Breathe for me
by Hell789abdv
Summary: AU Future-Fic. Ste hit bottom but he clawed his way back up. Is he ready to take the next step? Can he bring himself to try another relationship with his true love locked away? And when Brendan returns to his life after serving his time where does that leave him? Ste POV; Ste/OMC; Ste/Brendan
1. Chapter 1

Pairing(s): Ste/OMC; Ste/Brendan; mentions of past Ste/Doug; John-Paul/Doug

Set a year and a half after Brendan went to prison.

AU-Future fic. Everything happened as it did in the show. AU because it's set in the future and lord knows where canon is going to end up.

I got this idea in my head and it wouldn't let me go until I did something with it. It's a bit of a slow burner.

Rated M

Warning(s): Swearing; M/M sex; mentions of alcohol abuse; drug abuse; domestic abuse.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks or any characters. I do however own the OC's.

* * *

It took over a year to get his balance back, to get some perspective. To realise that Brendan was the love of his life, his soul mate but that he was out of reach. That his lover wasn't going to suddenly come back and make his life complete.

He acted out. He hurt a lot of people, not least himself but he had managed to claw his way out of a pit of despair.

He had sold the deli. Forced himself to part with it because he couldn't work there anymore. He loved it but at the same time it reminded him every day of what he had lost. A man who would let him get away with nicking 80 grand, thought that it was worth 80 grand just to see him happy. Would give him everything he wanted, everything he needed but had been forced to give it all up to protect his sister.

Ste was still bitter with Cheryl. He had told her to go the day Brendan was arrested because he had known even then, even with the shock flowing through his system that he wouldn't have been able to bare having her around him. Couldn't bare it, that she got everything. She accepted Brendan's sacrifice. She got the man of her dreams, a lover, a friend and an estate. And Ste got nothing except his heart shattered into thousands of pieces.

He was happy for her. Happy that she finally found herself a white knight but he couldn't forgive her. She had ruined his life just as much as Brendan had. Just as much as Walker, Kevin, Pauline and Terry.

He had sold his half of the deli to Doug. By rights he could have fought with Doug because the Deli was in Ste's name alone but he couldn't do it, couldn't find the fight, the will when it didn't really matter. They were still married and it just didn't feel right to take that from Doug after everything he had done to him, leaving him to go after Brendan after marrying him, screaming at him bitter hateful words when he had just wanted to be alone because he couldn't tolerate kindness. He wasn't that much of a bastard. Doug deserved something for putting up with him. Doug had managed to get a loan to cover his half and bought him out.

40 grand, it was actually worth more than that but he didn't want to fight anymore. He didn't care. 40 grand was enough. He wanted a fresh break.

He had spent enough time ignoring his responsibilities and being a scally. He dealt drugs for a bit mainly because it gave him access to the best stuff. But he'd been too high half the time to actually make the deals and his dealer had stopped trusting him. It was the best thing that had happened to him although at the time he had raged about it. Without dealing he couldn't maintain a habit without dipping into the 40 grand. He couldn't buy drugs with Brendan's money which he found ironic considering where the money had come from. He knew Brendan would go off it if he ever found out. He was going to do it just to spite him but he didn't. Something stopped him.

He fucked around for a while out of spite. He topped mostly but occasionally he needed something more and he'd go out find someone with Brendan's build and have them fuck him from behind. Couldn't bare anyone facing him.

There was nothing there. It left him feeling cold, guilty and dirty. He couldn't even get off most of the time and it was embarrassing. He had stopped though. There was no point.

On good days he could imagine Brendan's face when he told him that he had ruined him for other men. Imagined his glee, his laugh.

On bad days he punched walls, kicked anything within reach and raged against everything because it was all so unfair.

When he was horny he pulled out his personal wank bank from his memory and depending on his mood he had all range of memories of what Brendan used to do to him to get himself off. It made him ache. Made him wish for one last time which he could savour because he had let himself assume that there would always be time for that later.

The drugs were gone but he didn't stop drinking. He drank everything he could get his hands on until one night he had gone into price slice half… three quarters cut, trashed a display by accident as he struggled with his balance. The police had been called and he hadn't even bothered to put up a fight when they put him in the car.

The night he had spent in a cell after getting banged up for drunk and disorderly because Cindy didn't think he should get done for criminal damage refused to press charges, she had just wanted him out of the shop and thought that he'd only cause more trouble if she hadn't rang them, it gave him time to think.

Brendan was stuck in a cell, hated prison, but had taken it. Taken it because the sniper hadn't shot to kill. Taken it so his baby sister could live her life.

He had looked at the bleak walls, listened to the noises, remembered his time in juvie, remembered everything Brendan had ever wanted for him. Prison wasn't what Brendan wanted for him. It wasn't what Ste wanted for himself. He couldn't bare the idea that he wouldn't be able to see him kids again.

They always say that moments of clarity come only when you have reached rock bottom. Ste was at rock bottom, the only way to get what he wanted, what he needed from his life was to dust himself down.

He had spent the next two days cleaning his flat, binning the drugs and all the drink. He hadn't cared what had happened to it when he was just existing on getting over his hangover or looking for his next fix. Anything to dull the pain, anything to make it all go away.

He had gone to see Doug and apologised for everything he had put him through. Even ground out a apology to that smug tit John-Paul because he knew that he had put a strain on their relationship. He wanted Doug to be happy, if it was John-Paul that made him happy then he wasn't going to even try to understand it, just get out of their way.

He had then gone to Manchester for the weekend and seen Amy. They had talked, seriously talked like they had done years ago when he had been forced into counselling. She had recommended that he get another therapist if he was still struggling. He had wanted to scream that he didn't need one but he realised he did. He needed to talk through everything with someone who didn't know Brendan. Didn't know their history, who could be neutral in a way that no one else around him could be.

Laura Ellington. Dr Laura Ellington. It had taken him five different councillors before he found one that he could stand being in a room with.

All it had taken was a simple question.

"Who's that?" He had pointed to the picture on the wall behind her, anything to stop having to start a real conversation. It was clear that it was a few years old, her hair was a different colour.

"Sean." She replied without looking. There was only one picture on the wall. In fact he hadn't seen anything else personal.

"You're boyfriend?"

"He was… He died." She had replied with a sadness which touched his own. Brendan wasn't dead but the sense of loss felt the same to him. It felt worse for some reason.

"I'm sorry."

"He was stabbed protecting me. It was my fault. The knife was meant for me but Sean just had to jump in and save me."

"When?"

"Seven years ago. But these sessions are for you Ste. We're here to talk about you, not me."

It had loosened him up, she understood loss and because of that she could see straight through him.

She had listened, not judged. Listened to his whole sad, miserable life story without saying anything. She had just sat there while he poured his heart out. Gave him space to get it all out before they started working through it.

She had told him not to feel guilty about getting on and living his life which had started an argument. She had a temper on her too beneath all her calm.

"Like you have?" He had shot back in a fit of temper. "How long has Sean been dead? And there isn't anyone else you have on your wall, looks like you haven't moved on."

"I may not have found love again but I still manage to live. I've learnt to function which is what you want. I miss Sean everyday but it doesn't stop me living. That's what we're trying to achieve here Ste. You can miss Brendan, you can love him but you need to learn to function with your grief."

The next session she had apologised for being unprofessional and that she would understand if Ste wanted to work with someone else. He hadn't though. She was honest with him and that was enough.

He had started making the little steps that he needed to get back on his feet properly. He managed it eventually.

All the baby steps added up to a long conversation on what he wanted to do. He didn't have a job but he loved to cook so what was he going to do?

It was a conversation with Tony at the Dog one night that had made up his mind.

Tony had gone through a rough patch himself and was looking to get Ill Nosh properly back up and running but he was short of cash.

Ste didn't know what he was going to do but he knew he wanted to get back into cooking.

That had been it. Tony had offered to make Ste a partner in Ill Nosh if he invested.

There wasn't really anything for Ste to think about. He liked working with Tony. They got on well and Tony had known him for a long time. It worked incredibly well. Tony took care of a lot of the financial side but between them they were making Ill Nosh a success again.

Amy had agreed to start letting him have the kids again for a couple of days a month ago. She had banned him from looking after them until he been through counselling. He didn't blame her. He was still allowed to see them, all he had to do was call a few days ahead, then again on the morning of the visit so that Amy could check his state of mind. The first weekend he them back at the flat had been brilliant. It reminded him that he was still a good father despite everything.

"Are you done daydreaming? Those mains aren't going to cook themselves." Tony shocked him back into reality.

"Alright I'm doing them now." Ste replied out of habit. He should have apologised for being off in his own world but Tony just shook his head, smiling a little and took the starters out.

Lunch was always busy and in recent weeks it had become even busier. The good weather had meant that people were willing to sit outside, meaning there were more covers. By the time they had finished lunch it was prep-time for the dinner sitting.

"How's it going Ste?" Jamie Rivers asked leaning on the service area. He was a mechanic from the new garage at the back of the village. He had been coming in every day since Tom Cunningham had brought him in. Tom was working a couple of hours at the garage because he thought it was "better than a collecting glasses and cooler than a paper round".

Jamie was friendly with everyone. He was a really nice bloke. Fit too which Ste couldn't help but notice the first time he walked in only to feel crippling guilt. He was checking out other men while Brendan was locked up.

He'd called Laura as she had insisted he did when he hit a problem. She was worried about his history with drugs, drink and he had told her he often acted without thinking only to regret his actions later. She said that it was better to talk through the problem then decide what his reaction should be. His time in anger management helped a lot and he didn't call her every time but there we times when he knew that she would put him back on track.

"Did being with Brendan stop you looking?" She had asked.

"Yeah."

"Not for anything, nothing more than looking. Walking down the street and thinking to yourself he's a bit of alright. Did you never make comments to each other when you were out together? Did he stop looking?"

"Yeah." She pierced him with a look. "Alright no. He was always checking out other men but it was more an ego thing. He'd check them out, they'd fall under his spell then he'd drop all interest, just to prove he could have anyone he wanted."

"What happened if you showed someone a bit of interest?"

"He'd notice, look at them, cock his head, wrap his hand around my neck and pull me into a filthy kiss. I mean this was after he came out properly obviously before that he used to just give me a look that told me everything he wanted to do to me." He blushed when he realised what he said but Laura didn't look embarrassed.

"But you still looked." He nodded. "There's no harm in looking Ste. There is nothing wrong with looking you're a young man, you've got a sex drive." She looked like she wanted to say more but held back. He knew that it was going to be about betrayal though. She was going to say that he wasn't betraying Brendan by looking but had stopped herself because they both knew he wasn't ready to hear or deal with that. Not yet, not by a long shot.

"Earth to Ste." Jamie said smiling. He really was a good looking bloke especially when he smiled.

"Alright. You?" Ste replied stopping doing his prep.

"Busy. It's great actually, it's really picking up. Might have to take someone else on soon." He replied.

"Jamie you're coffee's up." Tony said as he brought the take-away coffee through. He was used to Jamie talking to Ste at the hatch and hadn't said anything to stop it.

"Thanks Tony." With coffee in hand he returned to the hatch. He was looking nervous and Ste's stomach dropped through the floor. He knew what was coming it had been coming for weeks. Jamie wasn't a big flirt but enough of one that Ste knew he was interested in him.

"I was wondering if you wanted to get a drink with me sometime."

"Why?" He asked realising that it had come out harsher than it should have.

"I haven't got many mates around here and we get on alright don't we? It'd just be nice to talk to you without interrupting your work. Think on it yeah. I've got to get back." He gave Ste and hopeful look then walked away.

He felt like he was dying. He couldn't breathe.

"Ste. Ste! Listen to me." Tony was panicking but at the same time calming. "Breathe. Calm down. You're having a anxiety attack. Just breathe. Listen to me. In… Out… In… Out…"

His heart was trying to get out of his chest. His lungs were burning and his eyes were watering.

"You're not dying. Stop struggling and listen." Tony insisted. "In… Out…" Someone came into his tunnelling vision. A paper bag was placed to his lips. "In… and out…"

Eventually his vision came back and his heart calmed down. He sat with his back to the counter. Knees drawn up with his arm wrapped around them.

"Want to tell me what that was all about?" Tony asked handing him a glass of water.

"Nothing." Ste replied.

"Must be something to cause a panic attack." Tony sat opposite him.

"Jamie asked me out." He replied quietly.

"That's all?" Tony realised what he said. Ste could see it. Tony realised it was big deal to Ste but hadn't realised why until he had made light of it. "Ste…"

"I need to call Laura." He needed to speak to her. She never made light of anything Ste felt. She always managed to calm him down. "Can I…?" He realised as he stood he hadn't finished all the work he needed to do.

"Go. Take a couple of hours. I will need you back for the evening rush though." He looked genuinely sorry about that. "Can't have you handling knives with your hands shaking like that anyway." He placed a hand on his forearm. "Will you be alright getting home?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Just…" Panic was rising again.

"Go on then."


	2. Chapter 2

Ste sat down at the fountain. He couldn't make it home. He had realised the second he had walked out the door into the open air. He felt sick to his stomach and it took everything to stop himself throwing up all over the pavement.

He managed to stop himself from vomiting, forcing the feeling down. Got his breath back and tried to calm himself down before he speed dialled Laura.

"Dr Ellington's office."

"Can I speak to Laura please its Ste Hay?" He was put on hold.

"She's just finishing off a meeting. She will call you back in 10 minutes Mr Hay. She said to tell you to stay where you are and not do anything until you've spoken to her." The woman said. "Did you hear me Mr Hay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, thanks." He put the phone down. He wiped his face with his hoodie. He was crying and he didn't even realise. He felt so pathetic. He knew why Laura had told him to stay where he was. She knew that he would do something that he would regret.

"Stop and think, realise that you are out of control, take a deep breath and take back control." She had told him and it had echoed his anger management counselling that it had stuck. He knew it worked so he used it.

It felt like a lifetime but eventually his phone rang.

"Ste, its Laura are you okay?" She sounded worried.

"I…" He heaved in a breath. "I had a panic attack... Jamie, that guy I was telling you about, the one I thought was fit but…"

"Ste, calm down. Take a deep breath and slow down ok. There's no rush."

"He asked me out and I just…"

"You panicked."

"Yeah… I can't… I…" He was crying, sobbing, broad daylight and he was having a meltdown.

"Ste. Where are you?" She asked. He told her. "Right, stay there. I'm coming to you alright. Just stay there and stay on the line." He could hear her clattering around her office. She wasn't speaking but she was there if he needed to talk.

He didn't know how long it took for her to arrive but as soon as she did she took the phone out of his hand and sat next to him. He didn't think. He just wrapped himself around her and sobbed.

"Ste! Is he alright?" He recognised Doug's voice.

"He's just upset." She replied evenly but her tone made it clear that she didn't want Doug to be involved. Ste silently thanked her. He was a mess. Doug didn't need to be involved. "I've got it, thanks."

"Here." She offered him a tissue. At the same time he wiped his face and nose on his hoodie.

"Or not." She laughed a little. "You ready to talk yet? Take your time."

"Jamie came in and we were just chatting like we usually do then he asked me out and it was like a tonne of bricks landed on my chest and I couldn't breathe." He started to feel that way again.

"Was it a shock?" She asked frowning. "He talks to you almost every day you've told me."

"I thought maybe but then…"

"Take your time."

"How can I?" He blurted out. "Brendan's… I can't…"

"No one said you had to." She stated firmly. "No one is saying that you have to do anything. He asked you out. It's a normal part of everyday life. It's your reaction that is my concern. Why did you feel so anxious? I'm sure you've been asked out before and said yes, said no, said no way mate."

They sit in silence. Laura is great for letting him think, giving him space to get his head in order.

"I wanted to say yes." He stated and the panic rose again.

"Hey, it's okay. Calm down."

"What sort of person does that make me? Brendan's in jail and I'm wanting to go out with another bloke."

"It makes you normal, Ste. You want to go out with someone you like and have a good time. There's nothing wrong with that." She said trying to reassure him. "You aren't forgetting Brendan. You aren't doing anything wrong."

"But…"

"Ste. You are not betraying him."

It was like a lightning bolt. He got up and moved. He had to move. He couldn't sit.

"Ste."

"You don't understand anything. How could you? Your boyfriend's dead. Do you ever think that maybe you weren't worth it? That he should have let you die?"

"All the time." She muttered but Ste heard her.

"Brendan's in prison for killing someone to protect me. He should have let me die… I wouldn't… I couldn't… He shouldn't…" He swung at the closest thing to him which happened to be tree. It hurt. He punched it again and again feeling the skin come off his fingers.

"Ste stop it." Laura was next to him but not touching him. "Just stop it ok."

"It's not okay!" He screamed into her face but she didn't back down like everyone else did. She looked him straight in the eye.

"I know that you're angry. I know that it's unfair and I know that you are hurting but don't think that you can scare me Ste." She was as calm as anyone he had ever met but there was a look in her eye which told him that she had faced down far worse than himself.

"I'm sorry." He found himself stating.

"Don't run." She said, it was like she had read his mind because he was just about to start. "You keep running and you'll never stop. You have to face this."

He was still thinking that he should run home, lock the doors and hide away forever but he knew then he'd never get better, he'd never get his life back. He'd lose his kids all over again.

"I don't know if I can."

"You are stronger than you will ever give yourself credit. You survived your childhood, you faced your demons, you changed, and you stood up and loved a man who had beaten you. You love Ste after everything you still love and that is incredible and more than anything it's brave. So I know that you are brave enough to do this. You can face this."

He shook his head.

"I can't."

"You can Ste. You can do this. Do you want to go home?" She asked carefully. She knew it was a touchy subject.

"No. It's… There's no one there." He couldn't go back there. He'd drive himself mad.

"Alright, let's get a coffee, have a sit down and talk about Jeremy Kyle." She said.

"Haven't you got other clients?"

"Nah you just saved me from a meeting about the importance of keeping a tidy and harmonious work place to aid client healing, believe me if you hadn't rang I would have slit my wrists."

"I don't think a councillors meant to say that." He frowned.

"We're human just like everyone and I have a complete intolerance for that bollocks." She smiled. "Although I've over stepped the line today. Professional standards would have a field day."

"Eh?"

"I'm meant to be a caring and helpful source of calm and healing, completely trustworthy… I'm not meant to stare people down. It's intimidating and it's counterproductive. I'm sorry about that."

"I might have hit you."

"You wouldn't." She was so sure. How could she be so sure? He knew he could have. "But I should be more careful."

"You're not on the clock though." She took his calls out of her own time. "Technically."

"Doesn't matter I'm still your counsellor there are lines. I always manage to blur them." She shook her head and smiled at him. "Come on. You're buying."

"Oh thanks and why's that then?"

"Because."

"Really mature." He snorted a laugh.

"I must look a state." He said as they entered the coffee shop rubbing at his face and trying to stop himself nagging at his sleeves because it gave away that he was nervous and she always picked up on it.

"You look fine." She stated. "Hot chocolate, three sugars."

"Really?" He crinkled his nose.

"Hoy, I can drink my hot chocolate how I want thanks." She waited as he ordered, gave him the money for her drink despite what she said, he knew she wasn't allowed to accept things from clients and she was strict with the rule. He didn't want to sit inside so he ordered them to go.

They went back out and she followed at he walked back to the fountain.

"I feel stupid." He said as they sat down. "I completely over reacted." He sighed. "It's a drink, not a marriage proposal." He shook his head. "I don't know… Everything was going so well."

"It still is." She said. "This is a bump. You've had them before and you'll have them again."

"That meant to make me feel better?"

"It's a fact."

He took a long drink from his cup.

"Can I ask you something? Personal like… You don't have to answer." She nodded. "When Sean died how did you cope?"

She snorted a laugh. "I'm not meant to tell you, it breeches about a dozen rules."

"Tell me, because right now I don't know if I'm doing alright or if I'm half a step into the loony bin and Brendan's not even dead."

"You're doing fine." She stated, then twitched as she always did when she was deciding whether she wanted to say anything or not. "Let's just say that I didn't cope with it for a long while and during that time I was an awful person. I wasn't very good to start with so I'll leave the rest to your imagination. But you are doing fine Ste."

The conversation turned to silly things about his work, cooking and crap TV.

"I better get back." He stated looking at his phone for the time. "I left Tony alone."

"Hope you have a good night." She smiled.

"Thanks Laura."

"Hey that's what I'm here for."

He crashed when he finally managed to get home. They'd done a record number of covers and it had been great to be that busy but with the extra drama in his day he was knackered. He barely managed to get out of his clothes before he fell on the covers. The warmth of the day had stayed in the room so he didn't even need to get under the covers.

He dreamt of a hard body over him. Kisses onto his neck, his chest. Of clawing fingers and desperate need. Of a rumbling voice saying his name and hitching wonderfully. It was all just a mesh of images, of feelings, of love.

He woke up painfully hard. He sighed to himself willing himself soft but it wasn't going to happen. He made his way to the bathroom and got himself off as quickly as he could.

His alarm was blaring when he returned.

He sat on the edge of his bed and sighed wondering when he was going to stop. Just stop tormenting himself.

He got dressed quickly. Not bothering with breakfast. He wasn't hungry.

He picked up his prisoner visitor request form, already filled in, sighed and wondered if maybe just maybe this time Brendan would accept.

He hadn't before but Ste still posted one every month.


	3. Chapter 3

Breakfast service passed in a flash and soon he found himself half way through lunch service in autopilot. Everything was going out on time and to standard but he couldn't find any joy in cooking.

"Hey." Doug smiled from the hatch.

"Alright?" Ste asked. Doug had something on his mind, he could tell. He looked excited which was enough to put a dampener on Ste. He wasn't going to like it. Doug was going to try and use enthusiasm to counter act his scepticism.

"I was wondering if since it's your night off if you would like to come for a curry with me and John-Paul."

He'd rather stick red hot pokers under his fingernails. Those two were so loved up it was sickening. It was like puppy love only worse because it was between two full grown adults.

"No you're alright. Thanks for the offer though." He could just tell that Doug wasn't going to let this go.

"Come on, we haven't been out in ages. It'd be nice to catch up." Doug was going to pull out all the stops.

"I can't."

"Hey Ste." Jamie smiled as he ordered his coffee from the side.

"Come on Ste, a meal it's not too much to ask."

"I can't. I've got plans." He was digging himself a hole.

"Oh yeah, sit all alone and play video games. Ste, it's a meal, a couple of beers that's it. Just please okay. Come with us."

"And play gooseberry all night. Thanks but no thanks." He dropped himself in it so easily it was embarrassing.

"So you don't have plans." Doug was like a dog with a bone.

"I thought we were going for that drink." Jamie piped up.

"Oh." Doug completely deflated, which quickly became excitement, he gave Ste a bright smile which was saying things that he didn't want to hear.

"We are." Ste replied. He'd have to now.

"Well that's great, it's really, really good to hear." He was being over the top.

"That all Doug cos I'm busy yeah." He wanted him out of the way before he embaressed him anymore.

"Right well I'm catch you tomorrow. We should have a chat." Doug stated giving Jamie a non too subtle look.

"Yeah whatever." Ste replied grumpily. "Thanks." He sighed at Jamie. "Saved me then."

"I'm holding you to it though." Jamie stated. "The Dog around 7?"

"Yeah alright." He was agreeing. Why was he agreeing?

"I better get your number in case something comes up, you know for either of us." Jamie stated handing Ste his phone to put his number in then called his own phone to save time.

"I'll see you later." Jamie smiled and walked out.

"Am I hearing things? Did you just agree to that drink?" Tony asked leaning against the door.

"Yeah, so what? Got me out of Doug hassling me and John-Paul looking down on me."

"Just after yesterday…"

"I over reacted." He felt under attack. "It's just a drink isn't it."

Tony gave him a smile which was full of pride before turning back to the counter to serve.

A pit formed in his stomach. Knotting and twisting his insides. It was growing with every moment that passed. By the end of preparing for Joe to take over the kitchen his hands were shaking so badly he could barely hold the knife

"Get a grip." He muttered to himself.

He managed to get away at four which was later than normal but he hadn't wanted to go home because it would give himself too much time to think.

"Have fun tonight won't you? You deserve it for the amount of effort you've been putting in around here." Tony said as he was about to leave.

"See you tomorrow." He said before Tony could say anything that might tip him over the edge.

He considered calling Laura for all of ten seconds before giving himself a mental slap. Laura was not someone he should be ringing every time he felt nervous, every time he felt a bit panicked. No Laura was there for emergencies when he really had to talk to someone. Amy kept saying he had to stand on his own two feet and he had been so he could cope with the knots in his stomach alone.

He picked out a blue polo shirt and a nice pair of jeans. He debated for about half an hour on trainers or shoes deciding on trainers and a dark hoodie, it was the Dog. He didn't need to dress up. There was no need to dress up. He was only going because Jamie gotten him out of the meal from hell. There was nothing else to it. Two men going to a bar, as friends, both just happening to be gay.

Jamie text him at half six to ask him if he was still okay to make it. He replied that he was.

He hadn't been into the Dog in a long while. He hadn't liked being in there when he was drinking his life away. Everyone knew him or knew of him. Maybe it was a bad idea. He didn't have a clue what Jamie knew of his past and every single person in the bar could stick their knives into Ste at any minuet.

"Not thinking of bolting already?" Jamie said as he walked up the steps. "What can I get you?"

"Just a bottle of beer will do thanks."

"Do you want to sit in there or sit out here? It's a nice night." Jamie asked.

Inside they'd all be watching his every move and he couldn't bare it. At least outside he could escape easily.

"Out here." Ste stated.

"Well grab a pew I'll get the drinks in."

It took a few minutes but Jamie returned with their drinks.

"Never thought you'd actually agree to this." Jamie said as he handed over Ste's bottle.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that I thought… Don't know." He smiled at his pint.

They chatted idly most of the night about their jobs. Their lives, well Jamie told him all about his brother and sister and how disappointed his father was in him for wanting to be a mechanic instead of following him into medicine.

"Couldn't think of anything worse. All those bloody exams. I always preferred to work with my hands and there's something about fixing up broken cars, making them run again, making them beautiful for someone else to enjoy. Dad thought it was a complete waste of time until he realised that I can do MOT's and full service certainly turned him around quick when he realised how much money he could save. What about your dad?"

"Dunno. He left me and my mum when I was tiny. Haven't seen him since."

"So you're not like one of those chef's with a long family history of Michelin stars and all that."

"I wish. Learnt everything I know from Tony and his brother Dom. Then once I had the basics it was easy."

"You've certainly got a flair for it."

"How would you know? I've never seen you eating in Ill Nosh."

"That's because you're always behind the stove. Frankie and Jack took me in one night after Tom had just started with me as a thank you and to make sure I had no horrible dark secrets. Didn't think I'd make it out alive a one point. Frankie's something else. But the food was incredible. You're seriously talented."

"Yeah well I just work hard at it don't I."

"Yeah it's like everything worthwhile it takes work."

An hour later it was last order's and Ste's round. It had turned cold outside so they had decided to finish up there drinks in the bar.

"Ste, love, didn't realise you were here with Jamie… Nice to see you getting back on with your life after all that happened."

"Yeah thanks Frankie." He wished he'd stayed outside and froze to death instead of facing Frankie and all her gossip.

"What was that about?" Jamie asked before taking a sip of his beer.

"I don't want to talk about it." He replied.

"Hey Ste what would Brendan say?" Darren Osborne. Of course it would be that fucking twat that couldn't keep his fat mouth shut. Couldn't just leave it. Say nothing and let Ste have a nice end to an enjoyable night.

"I'm going. Thanks for the drinks and all that but I've got an early start." He smiled then walked away because Osborne wasn't worth it. He wasn't worth it. Smacking him the face wouldn't be worth it. Really. But it would feel good. It wasn't worth it.

Jamie caught up with him just as he was about to get out the door.

"Can I see you again? You know like a date?"

"I don't know. No. I… I've had a really good night."

"Am I wasting my time here Ste?"

"I don't know alright." He walked away before he said something he regretted.


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you for taking the time to review.

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He woke up feeling like death warmed over. He never should have started the second bottle of whiskey. More to the point he shouldn't have finished it.

By the time he had thrown up what appeared to be nothing more than pure alcohol, brushed his teeth and contemplated going back to bed and dying quietly but it was Tony's morning off and he had to open up.

Time was that wouldn't have been motivation enough but Tony had been good to him and they were building something. It wasn't Tony's fault that he had downed himself in booze, there was no reason that he should suffer for Ste's actions.

He wrapped his hoodie around himself tightly and made his way into the village.

It was quiet, it was too early for most people. He turned the corner and his heart plummeted. Doug was dealing with a delivery there was no way he would miss Ste opening up.

He got the key into the door.

"Ste, hey." He winced. How was he going to make it through breakfast? The sizzling pans, cutlery clattering, more to the point the smell, his stomach rolled at the thought. He had done this to himself. He had only himself to blame so he was going to have to make it through the best he could.

"Morning." He even sounded hung-over.

"Good night I take it." Doug looked too smug for his own good.

"It were alright."

"Jamie's nice." Subtlety was not Doug's forte.

"Oh god." He wiped his face with his hoodie. "We are not having this conversation."

"Ste." Doug pleaded.

"No Doug. I don't want to hear it. I've got to set up I'll see you later." He opened the door and shut it again before Doug could speak again.

Leaning against the door he looked around at everything he had to do before opening and sighed. His stomach rolled again and he ran to the bathroom in time to retch. There was nothing left to throw up.

He leaned his head against the cool bowl. "What would Brendan say?" Darren's words echoed in his head. Nausea rose again out of nowhere. He dry retched until his abdominals strained.

"What would Brendan say?"

He clamped down on his thoughts, refusing to listen anymore. He needed to get up. He needed to set up and he needed to take at least one resolve before his head started banging. Experience told him that he was still a little drunk. He needed to get up.

He didn't know how he managed to get through the morning. Phoebe had helped a lot. She hadn't even bitched at him, just taken one look at him and got on with setting up the tables and serving the first few customers. He decided he should come in hung-over more often if it meant that she didn't say anything to him or give him any shit. It was a nice change.

He managed to cook barely but he had to do it so it was enough to stop him sliding down onto the floor and curling into a ball.

He downed the Resolve as quickly as he could, choking a little when he knew that his stomach wouldn't rebel. His head had already started banging by that time.

Lunch brought a bus load of tourists, the last thing he needed. But it was what the business needed. He rang Tony because there was no way he could cope with only Barney and himself with Pheobe having to go to school. Tony was in Chester and wouldn't be back for another hour and a half at least. Ste told him not to worry about it, it would be too late by the time he got back. They'd just have to do what they could.

"Jesus looks like you're trying to cook for the five thousand." Jamie stated shocking Ste as he lent on the hatch.

"Yeah, er Barney table 4." He handed over the plates. With Barney serving there was no one behind the counter.

"Look sorry but I'm really busy." He stated as he started cooking the mains for table 8. He checked the ticket realising that he'd mis-read and he had to restart it. He growled and banged his knife down on the board. He took a deep breath and counted to ten.

He turned back to the order and immersed himself in getting order out, head down and placing the plates on the hatch.

"Last one, table 1." Ste stated. He was buzzing. The adrenaline had kicked in when the pressure had been on and it had seen him through.

He looked up behind the counter to see Jamie making coffee. He stepped out of the kitchen and into the opening to the counter.

"Er what are you doing?" Jamie's answer would decide whether Ste really kicked off or not.

"Barney looked like he was going to pass out with the stress so I said I'd work the till while he served."

Ste found himself staring at Jamie speechless for a moment, he hadn't expected that answer. He had thought that it would be along the lines of "You looked like you couldn't cope so I decided to help you out" personally directed at Ste. He hadn't thought that Jamie had done it for Barney. Yeah it had helped him but he wasn't making it about Ste's inability to cope. Jamie handed the coffee to a young woman before taking the money, working the till with little effort and handing over the change. He turned back to the machine and started making another. While making a tea at the side.

"Didn't know you could work that."

"I worked in a coffee shop when I was in sixth form."

"Long time ago." He wished someone would slap him. But Jamie laughed.

"Yeah but you never lose the touch. Here you look like you could use that." He handed Ste the tea. "Sorry don't know how you like it."

Ste stepped in and put in his sugars and a dash of milk. It was sweeter than he would usually have it but he felt like he needed it.

"Thanks, you know for helping out especially after last night."

"Well I didn't do it for nothing." He held up his cup. "On the house right?"

"'Course."

"Throw in a sandwich since I missed lunch and we'll call it quits."

"Feel like I'm being robbed blind." He turned back to the kitchen. "Anything in particular?"

"That chicken thing with the sweet chili sauce and salad." Jamie replied following him and leaning against the hatch. Ste frowned at him. "Tom gets it for me on a Saturday."

"Oh right." He busied himself making the sandwich.

"Not making yourself anything?" Jamie asked in between sips of coffee.

"Not hungry. Working with food all day kind of ruins my appetite. That and I can nick bits here and there from the fridge." He placed the sandwich on the hatch.

"Any chance you'll keep me company while I eat?" Jamie asked looking hopeful. "You've been on your feet for ages, I'm sure even the boss gets a break."

"I'll just clear…" Now the adrenaline was wearing off he did feel tired. His feet were aching. "You know what, yeah I will." He followed Jamie into the far corner table, telling Barney that he was just taking 5 minutes.

"So last night…" Jamie started and Ste dropped his head to the table for a moment.

"What did Frankie tell you?" He groaned, before taking a deep breath to get himself ready to defend himself.

"Nothing. She tried but I just finished my pint and left."

He thought that Frankie would have told Jamie everything, all about the drugs, the drink, the abuse… Brendan. He could imagine her delight in ripping him apart, a total character assassination.

"I don't want to hear about you from Frankie Osbourne. I know what people like her are like… I want to hear about you from you, first hand. I don't like forming opinions on people based on rumour, it's cost me in the past." He took a bite of his sandwich. "This is really good."

Ste looked at him, the wind completely taken out of his sails.

"I assume that you thought that she had told me something and that I now didn't want anything to do with you. Along those lines?"

"Yeah… yeah I mean. I just thought…"

"Look Ste we're just getting to know each other. I'm sure we've both done things that we're not proud of but we all live and learn… I like you okay and I want to get to know you. Yeah I fancy you but that doesn't mean we can't just be friends." Jamie paused. "So would you like to go for another drink sometime?"

The pressure was lifted. Jamie wasn't asking for anything solid.

"Yeah alright."

"Good well I'll have to get back. Thanks for the sandwich."

"Thanks for helping out."

What would Brendan say?

Tony arrived and sat opposite him before he could react to his poisonous brain.

"Must have been some rush. Sorry I wasn't around to help."

"It was fine. We managed." Ste sighed and finished off his tea.

"Barney said that Jamie helped out. That was good of him. Did you pay him?" Ste shook his head and snorted a laugh. Tony, always worried about the money.

"A sandwich and a coffee. Nothing from the till." Ste assured him.

"Good well maybe we should take someone else on when either of us are off for the day."

"Can we afford it?" He hadn't looked at the books in a while. With Tony handling them he hadn't felt the need. He only saw them when they did their monthly review. It felt like they could. He knew how much business had increased and therefore how much more profit they would be making.

"The accounts are good and we can't rely on the kindness of… friends all the time."

"Fine by me and I think Barney will appreciate it." Ste agreed. Barney was a real trier they both agreed on that and on the fact that there were better waiting staff around but that he was worth holding on to.

"How many covers did you do?"

"No idea ask Barney. I better go and start tonight's prep." He pushed himself to his feet and headed back to the mess he had left the kitchen. He'd have to clear everything down. It took ages and by the time he had everything wiped down and ready to go again he was already behind. He wished he wasn't such a messy worker, he knew he was a lot better than he had been. Working in the confines of the deli kitchen had taught him to be tidier.

He was half way through the veg when Barney stepped up to the hatch.

"Boss we're fully booked on the first sitting and half full on the second. Do you want me to stop taking bookings?"

There was a rule that he and Tony had decided on. They would never fully book the second sitting because there were no guarantees that the first sitting would leave before the second arrived.

"Yeah. Tell Ruby and Ash no walk in's over two people. Thanks."

"It was really busy today." Barney stated. "Never thought that we'd get to the end of that coach party." He smiled.

"We did though." Ste replied.

"Yeah, we did." Barney was so full of pride that Ste shook his head. "I'm off boss. Just wanted to say how well you did today. I wouldn't have known where to start. See you tomorrow."

"See you."

Praise from Barney shouldn't have meant as much to him but it did. He had done well and someone had recognised it. Someone had seen that he was good at his job.

He was dying on his feet by half ten and he was still finishing mains. It was going to be a really long night.

"Ste." Doug. He knew better than to interrupt him during service.

"Really not a good time." He was getting tetchier and rattier as the night wore on. He knew he was but he couldn't stop himself.

"There never is with you."

"What do you want Doug? I've got loads to do so spit it out right."

"Sorr-y princess. I was just wondering when a good time would be to catch up."

"Well not right now."

"Obviously." Doug hesitated. "I just want to catch up. We've barely seen anything of each other the past few weeks."

"Yeah well we're both busy."

"John-Paul and I are going to a movie on Monday night if you want to come."

"I'm working." Even if he wasn't the mere mention of John-Paul was enough to put him off. Why Doug kept insisting on bringing him when they met up was mind-boggling. He knew they hated each other.

"It's like we're not even friends anymore Ste. I'm worried about you."

"Doug now is really not the time." He had to shut the conversation down. He had to concentrate. He didn't need Doug worrying about him, although part of him knew that he would regret losing him as a friend because whatever had gone wrong between them when they were together Doug was always there for him when he needed someone. And there weren't many people like that left in his life.

"You know what. Give me a ring when you want to talk." He winced at Doug's tone.

"Keep an eye on that bass." He waited until Joe nodded before he went into the store room and pulled out a can of Red Bull from his stash. He needed something to help him make it through the rest of the night.

He helped Joe clear down the kitchen and get the dishes back where they needed to go for the next day. By the time the last of the customers were out of the door and the girls had finished clearing up and he had put the takings in the safe it was past 1am.

He locked up and took lungful of the cool night air. He smiled to himself. He felt good. Tired, dead on his feet like a zombie but he felt good. It was a stark realisation. He felt happy.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you for reviewing and following this story. Like I wrote at chapter 1 it's going to be a slow burner… There's a long way to go and it certainly isn't going to be plain sailing.

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That night he dreamt of the balcony but Brendan didn't get up. The sniper had killed him out right and Ste had been standing over his bloody lifeless corpse. And as he sobbed onto his cold dead lover's chest, caking himself in blood, the corpse had grabbed his head and forced it up.

"Every day until I'm in my grave you always be in my head Steven."

He jolted awake, panting. Tears streaming down his face. He didn't know how long it took him to remember that Brendan wasn't dead. To stop himself gulping air in making him light headed. Brendan was still very much alive. The grief tore at him. It was like it had just happened and he couldn't go through that again. He felt his heart break anyway. "This is the way it's got to be Steven." He curled up on the covers and sobbed wrecking hacks as he struggled to breathe so bad he thought he was going to be sick.

He fell asleep again at some point because when he woke his chest hurt and his eyes were still damp. He needed something. He had to have something… he jumped up and made it to the kitchen in time to realise that he didn't have anything in the house. He had drank the last bottle of whiskey the other night and he hadn't had time to replace it.

He was half way through getting dressed to go to the shops when he stopped himself. Sat himself down and just stopped.

It was 7 in the morning. He was working at 11am. He could not get himself bladdered. He had to go to work. He had people relying on him.

He called Laura on her mobile knowing that she went to the gym at 5am so there was no danger of waking her up. He arranged to meet her in her office at quarter to 8.

He was waiting when she arrived.

"Morning Ste." She took a look at him. "Or not. Come on." She opened the front door into the waiting area then unlocked the door to her office on the right, switched the kettle on and told him to go and sit down while the water boiled.

He paced her office despite himself. He couldn't keep still.

She looked him over. Placed the mugs on the table and sat down behind her desk.

He told her about the dream. About feeling happy. About Jamie. He talked and talked all the while pacing.

"I just needed something if I hadn't been out of drink I would have just downed whatever I had." He rubbed at his face.

"Ste you know that drinking is not going to solve this." She stated. There was no accusation in her tone. She was just stating a fact.

"When am I going to stop feeling like this? When is he ever going to stop breaking my heart?"

"I can't give you a date and you know that. It takes time but you will get there." She was so sure.

"I feel so guilty all the time though."

"It's like survivors guilt. Brendan didn't die but you went through a trauma. You went through life altering events, you were planning a future. What happened tore your life apart and you feel guilty because you are re-building, getting your life back. Brendan is in prison."

"But he doesn't deserve to be there." He snapped. "It wasn't him that killed…"

"Ste! Be very careful with what you say next…"

"What do you mean?"

"I know that you can't tell me everything. I know when you skirt over details and I know how difficult it is for you to hold those secrets inside but think for a moment… Think whether it is worth telling me what you were about to say because once that secret is out it's out and the consequences have to be something you can live with."

"You wouldn't…" He had told her plenty of things that could have ended up with him in bother with the police and she hadn't said a word.

"No. I wouldn't but that doesn't mean you should tell me. Does what you have to say implicate you in any way?"

"No… Someone else."

"Does what you were going to say stop Brendan being in prison? We both know that he admitted to murder in his trial, that he wasn't innocent, so he won't get released… You have this secret and since I know roughly what it's about I'm going to say that Brendan knows too." Ste nodded. "Then think what Brendan asked you to do."

"He didn't ask me." He thought back. Brendan had never said that he shouldn't say anything but it was crystal clear what he had wanted.

"Do you want to go against his wishes?" She was good at reading between the lines.

"Why does he get to decide ay? Why did he have to…" He leant heavily on her desk head down.

"Did good come out of?" She was being very careful.

"What? Look at the state of me?"

"Brendan did what he did for a reason, you've told me enough about him that I can assume that he wouldn't do that lightly. Despite what that has meant for you, did something good come out of it?"

Cheryl got her happy ending. Brendan was able to give his sister her life.

"Yeah. I suppose…"

"Ste sit down." He didn't want to but she wasn't going to say anything until he did. "Tell me if I'm wrong… Brendan wasn't innocent of all the crimes he was tried for." He wasn't innocent. Ste knew Brendan wasn't innocent, he was more than aware of his flaws. In fact he could think of a couple of more dozen changes off the top of his head that could have added another ten years to his sentence. "He decided to pay for his crimes by serving his time."

"No. He wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. He pulled that gun on the police so they'd shoot him… He hates prison. He wanted to die."

"This is going to be hard to hear but you've got to find a way to live with what he has done and if something good came out of it then he thinks it is worth it. You told me that he had ended things with you." He remembered that session, he had been holding inside for so long, he couldn't admit it to himself but she had kept pressing about the hospital and he had finally cracked and told her everything. "He ended things so that you could have a life, so that you weren't tethered to him. Have you ever heard the saying 'if you love someone you have to let them go?'

"Don't." It was a plea.

The silence stretched out.

"I can't do this." He stated getting to his feet and headed for the door but she stepped in front of him.

"If you don't face this you'll never get past it and you'll never get your life back. Is that what Brendan would want?"

He pinned her to the door by her shoulders.

"I don't care what he wants! He never cared what I wanted! He never… I gave up everything for him. I gave him everything that I had left. He was all I had left right." He pushed her into the door before turning away. "It was meant to be forever! We were meant to live our lives together. I was meant to wake up every morning to him in my bed and he threw me away! Like I was nothing. Like I meant nothing. Empty promises is all I ever got off him. He promised me a life together then he destroyed it! He destroyed me!" He took a shuddering breath. "He destroyed me and called it love."

The silence stretched out.

"Write to him." Laura stated shocking him.

"What?!" That knocked him off kilter.

"Write to him and tell him how you feel."

"He doesn't read any letters they just get sent back." He'd sent plenty and received them all back not even opened.

"It doesn't matter. You're not going to send it. Write down everything you want to ask him. Put it in an envelope and leave it, come back to it when you're feeling calm, when you come back from a good day, when you remember the good things. And read it back and write your answers to the questions. Write what you think his answer would be but only do it when you can remember good things without bitterness."

"What good things? It was all a lie!"

"You don't believe that. You're angry and you have every right to be but I know that you don't believe that. You know that he loves you."

"What do you know?! Think you know how I feel? Think that you understand, you can't. You've never… You know what I'm done. I'm done with all of this."

"You walk out that door, go buy yourself and get hammered and you really won't have anything. You'll lose everything and this time people won't be so forgiving because you have a life now. You managed to get back on your feet. You've got a business that is growing. You've got friends who put up with your shit and you've got two kids who love you. You're not destroyed, not unless you let yourself be. And I know that you're too stubborn to let that be true. Terry couldn't destroy you. Your mother couldn't destroy you. Brendan hasn't destroyed you. Think of everything you have achieved, everything you have and ask yourself whether it's worth it. You're hurt. You're heartbroken but you aren't dead and you aren't about to give up however much you feel like it. You are too strong for that Ste." She stepped away from the door.

He bolted. He had to get away.

He was half way to the off-licence when Tony rang. He thought about chucking his phone, then took a breath and answered.

"Alright Ste just wondering if you could come in a bit early, there's a party booked in for tonight and I was hoping that you'd help me out with the prep so I don't have to do it all this afternoon and the stock is running low."

He completely forgotten. He had realised last night and he was going to go in early and start customising the stock base to make their stock recipe. They'd need to have another day and a half with the Stock pot on the stove by middle of next week because there was only two tubs left.

"Yeah. I'll be there in a bit."

He wondered in the general direction of the village but he wasn't in a hurry. As he approached Ill Nosh he realised what he was doing. He was going to work. He wasn't at the bottom of a bottle, he was going to work. He was living his life. His head might be a wreck, his heart might be shattered but he could do this. He was going to survive.


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks for the reviews, follows and favourites. Much appreciated.

* * *

Ste and Tony decided that it was best to get the stock pot out of the way while they were both there. So they split the work Ste would be in control of the stock pot and do the prep Tony needed until the lunch rush started then Ste would take over the tickets while Tony worked front of house and the deserts. It was meant to be the other way around but Ste couldn't be bothered with customers, he'd rather keep his head down. Tony was happy. He loved being in the kitchen but he enjoyed being front of house and if Ste said he didn't want to do front of house then Tony knew better than to force him.

"Hey Ste." Jamie was later than normal. Ste only noticed because he wasn't rushed off his feet when he arrived. He was almost ready to finish off the prep.

"Alright?" He looked stressed which wasn't like him. He always seemed so carefree.

"Yeah." He said before asking Barney for his usual.

"Looks it." Ste stated as he picked the bucket of de-frosted tiger prawns from under the tap to begin de-shelling them.

"Just not having a good day."

"I know that feeling." Ste muttered. He had to ring Laura and apologise but he couldn't bring himself to do it. A phone call after what he had done, what he had said. No he had to go to see her. He had been bang out of line. He'd put his hands on her. He had vowed to never do that to another person and yet he had. She hadn't deserved that. She had said things that he had needed to hear and she had only said it because she cared. Ste was in no doubt that she did because otherwise she wouldn't put up with him however he realised that there was every chance that she would cut him loose after what he had done.

"Yeah well I doubt that your ex just sold you home from under you... It's not like I even live there but it's not the point." He wrapped his hands around his head, then rubbed his neck then sighed.

Ste looked up sharply. That he had not been expecting. He had assumed that Jamie would be having trouble with a difficult car or something work related.

"Go sit down and I'll bring your coffee over." Ste stated. He had been a bastard this morning to Laura so it was time that he made up for it. Time to get his Karma straight for the day at least. Jamie needed to talk that much was clear and Ste was willing to listen to problems that weren't his own. "Go on. Tony I'm taking my break." He said without looking. He made himself a latte and took Jamie's cup off Barney.

Jamie was sitting with his back to the wall in the corner furthest from the till which just so happened to be the furthest from other customers as well.

"Here." Ste placed the cup down. "You want to tell me?" He made sure it was an open offer just as Laura did. It meant that he wasn't demanding anything.

"He's such a bastard." Jamie rubbed his hands through his short hair. "We were together for five years. Bought a house together." He laughed bitterly. "Won't come out to his parents but it didn't matter to me you know I thought since they were living in France they were out of the way, it wasn't a problem. Then they turn up, threaten to disown him. He'd lose his inheritance of five million unless he got married. I tried to say that we would get married but that wasn't what they meant. He had to deny he was gay, find a nice girl, get married and have kids. He was a banker. Stupid right. Banker and the mechanic straight out of a porn film but it worked you know. I thought that he'd chose me, he wasn't short of cash but it wasn't that he couldn't bare to go against his parents so he did it. Left me, got married and now he's sold the house."

"Didn't think people were still like that." It was horrifying but at the same time he remembered how his own mother had reacted. She didn't care though. She was vindictive. She looked for a weakness and used it to take him apart. She didn't care what happened to him, whether he was married to a man or a woman because she wished he had never been born.

"Yeah well they are. He's sending me my share but it's not about the money." He shook his head and sighed heavily.

"Would you take him back?" Ste was curious. He knew that despite everything if Brendan got out of prison tomorrow they would get back together. There might be a six to eight week set of bitching after they had fucked each other blind for two days but they'd get it sorted in the end. He frowned at himself. Why when he was so convinced this morning that Brendan didn't love him would he still take him back? That he'd give everything he had built up in a heartbeat to have him back. He mentally slapped himself. Brendan Brady only ever broke his promises and his heart. He was just glutton for punishment.

"Not if he crawled on his belly over red hot coals naked covered in oil."

Ste choked a laugh despite himself. He hadn't expected for Jamie to be so creative or descriptive.

"It's been two and a half years. I should thank him really. Or I should really thank his wife. She'll have wanted some new mansion."

"Does she know?" He couldn't imagine any woman being with a man when she knew he was gay.

"Yeah but she doesn't care. As long as she's got a bucket load of cash and holidays whenever she wants he could have two heads and a tiny-er dick."

Ste grinned.

"You are very pretty when you smile." Ste froze. "Sorry just an observation." Jamie looked around for a moment. "Thanks for listening and the coffee but I better get back." He sighed heavily.

"Are you busy tonight?" Ste found himself asking, Jamie was clearly in need of a friend. "I could do with a pint is all." Jamie looked like a deer caught in the headlights and Ste was about to rescind the offer.

"No I'm not busy."

"Dog at 7?" Ste asked.

"Yeah. See you there."

He wasn't going to hide away. Frankie could say what she liked. They all could. He was going to go out for a drink with Jamie. Fuck what Brendan would say.

* * *

He dragged his feet on the way to Laura's office. Date or no date he had to see her. It was past five but she was always there until around half 6. The outer door was open when he turned the handle.

He was hit with a wall of music, it was coming from Laura's office. She always blared music when she was doing paperwork so he had learnt. He assumed the other councillors she worked with had all gone home or didn't give a shit. He often wondered about her boss but she had said that he wasn't hands on and had handed over day to day running to her.

Her door was open and she was singing away. It was too rock for his taste but he did like the melody. He stood for a few minutes and worked out what he was going to say.

"Nice tune." He stated.

"Been standing there long enough to appreciate it." She replied tapping on the keyboard of her computer and the music ended. "Metallica, nothing else matters if you were wondering."

"Never heard of them." He shrugged. "I…"

"You've come to say you're sorry."

"Yeah. I never meant to shove you. I am really sorry."

"Sit down."

"This isn't where you're going to say that it was nice working with you but I can't do it anymore is it?" It had more than crossed his mind and walking to the office he had convinced himself she was going to. Better to be prepared. It never hurt as much in his experience if he knew it was coming. Better still if he could be the one to get there first.

"Sit down." He was in serious trouble, her tone gave it away if there was any doubt in his mind.

He did as he was told. He was fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie. If he didn't look at her maybe it would stop her.

"You know that I should end our time together." She stated firmly. "You know that you crossed the line this morning and you're sorry." She sighed. "I know that I confronted you with some incredibly hard to take facts and you reacted badly because I was pushing. Given your history of violence and anger problems I placed myself in that situation. I knew that you might react strongly, perhaps even violently, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that I wasn't backing you into a corner. I knew I was because I felt that I had to. I took a calculated risk."

"I really am sorry." Ste managed to get out before she hushed him.

"What did you do today?" She asked.

"Wh…"

"What did you do today?" She repeated.

"Er I went to work."

"Good, then it was worth it." She sighed. "Here's the thing Ste you know better than using violence to get out of a situation which makes you feel vulnerable. I pushed and you tried to protect yourself. To be honest I thought it would be worse however there is no room for violence in our relationship. You as a client must respect my right not to be physically harmed and I as your councillor must not physically harm you. But just so you know I have a right hook that can floor a 15 stone bouncer which I can bring out."

He laughed nervously.

"So?" He dared to look up.

"If you hadn't gone to work and instead found solace in alcohol or drugs then we'd have had to discuss it in different terms but either way I am here for as long as you need me."

The tension he had been carrying since he entered the office left him in a sigh.

"So we're ok?" He asked to clarify.

"We're ok." She nodded.

"Thank you Laura." He meant it from the bottom of his fragmented heart. He looked at the clock on her desk. "I better go. I've got a date."

"Ste. Word of advice, you'll be alright when you're alright, you can't rush this." Why did she have to drag him down? Be so sensible. He felt reckless and he wanted to be reckless. "Right, I've said it. Now go enjoy your night and I meant what I said any time you need to talk, I'm right here."

"Thanks. I'll see you later."

As soon as he was into the waiting area the music was cracked back up it was a different song. Deep, dark lyrics about self-harm.

_"I hurt myself today to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain the only thing that's real."_

He wasn't sure if she wasn't the one that was meant to be in counselling if that was what she listened to.

* * *

Lyrics from: "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails.


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you for the reviews, follows and favourites.

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read this story so far.

Fair warning this chapter is pretty dark. Actually very dark. Explicit M/M sex. Drug use. This story is rated M for a reason, the reason is a chapter like this.

* * *

"Ste." Darren said in surprise as he looked up.

"Pint please Darren."

"You know I didn't…"

"Pint Darren." Ste cut him off. "If you wouldn't mind."

The pub was actually quite busy and if hadn't been raining he would have gone and sat outside. He was trying his best not to notice people looking at him. He hoped it was because he was looking good. He'd put in a bit of effort and left his hoodie at home. Jeans and a white polo shirt. He'd been surprised by how much he had looked like the old him. The one before everything. His hair was a bit shorter but for a second he could look in the mirror and pretend he was that person again. Push all the shit down and just be a young bloke again without… well without half the shit he had been through.

"Hey." Doug appeared at his shoulder and that meant, he turned, yep John-Paul.

"Hey." He took a sip out of his pint and smiled through gritted teeth.

"You look…" He almost laughed as Doug checked him out.

"You can put your tongue back in." John-Paul stated smirking at Doug.

"You want to join us?" Doug asked.

"I'm waiting for someone." Ste replied.

"Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Hey." Jamie arrived behind them. He gestured to Jack for a drink.

"Why don't both of you join us?" Doug asked. "There aren't many table free."

"We're alright aren't we." Ste stated. He did not want to sit with Doug. He had that look in his eye, the one that meant he was going to have trouble keeping his mouth shut.

"Maybe later." John-Paul said then gestured to Doug to follow him away.

"I take it that you don't want to sit with them for a reason." Jamie asked.

"No… Just thought it'd be better just you and me." He knows he shouldn't be so defensive. It always gave him away.

"There's history there isn't there." Jamie looked towards Doug and John-Paul. Doug was watching them while John-Paul was talking. "So which one?" He wasn't waiting for Ste to answer he was trying to work it out. "Doug, I take it."

"We were married." Ste ground out.

"Married, wow."

"Didn't last long." That was an understatement. Should never have gotten married. He knew that before they got to the ceremony. "Not got round to a divorce yet just so you know."

"Alright." Jamie held his hands up in mock surrender. "You ended it." He said.

"How'd you know that? What's he said?" He couldn't help but be defensive. Technically Doug had officially but not because he had wanted to. He didn't want to be second best. He clamped down hard on who that brought to mind. Not tonight.

"Nothing. But you barely look in his direction and he's staring daggers at me."

"He's with John-Paul now. It was over ages ago." He shouldn't have done this. He shouldn't have thought that he could get away with a night in the pub without a problem. He hadn't expected it to be Doug though.

"Over the second you ran off to Dublin." He hadn't even realised Darren was there. Lurking. Listening to conversations that he had no right to.

"You know what Darren just shut up right. It's got nothing to do with you." It was spiralling out of control and he knew that he shouldn't rise to it but it was far easier to rise to it and give in than to ignore it.

"Sorr-y didn't realise it was still such a touchy subject."

"Were you really born this stupid?!" He stood up and pushed away from the bar. Silence descended. Everyone was looking at him but he only had eyes for Darren.

"Darren!" Jack called. "Leave the lad alone."

"Ste calm down." Doug. He couldn't just leave him alone to fight his own battles.

"What's it got to do with you really Doug?"

"Hey Ste back off." John-Paul fucking McQueen.

"Or what?" He was more than willing to smack John-Paul. He was asking for it, had been since forever.

"Ste stop it." Doug stepped in front of his boyfriend. Credit where credit was due he knew him. Knew who he was aiming for.

"Oh I haven't even started." He was going to tear into the pair of them. He had all the ammunition he needed. More than enough to ruin the pair of them.

"Come on." Jamie took his arm. "Let's get out of here."

He shook his arm lose.

"No."

"Ste I think you should take a walk, cool off." Jack stated stepping around the bar.

"Why does everyone think it's there place to tell me what to do? Eh? Think you know everything."

"Come on before you say something you regret." Jamie wasn't taking no for an answer and he pushed Ste out of the pub, fighting his resistance. He let go as soon as they were out of the door.

"Get off."

"Ste." Doug again. And he thought he was glutton for punishment.

"Fuck off Doug."

"I really don't think this is a good time…" Jamie stated blocking Ste from Doug.

"Oh and what's it to you? You've been around here what all of ten seconds and you think you know what's best for him."

"I know that he's wound up and you seem to want to make it worse. Go back inside to your boyfriend. I'm sure you can talk to Ste later when he's calmed down."

Doug looked like he was going to argue more for half a second before John-Paul appeared and took him back inside.

Ste leant against the railings trying to calm down. He achieved nothing from getting angry but it felt good to let it loose. It was always the same. Just when he thought he was getting somewhere he just couldn't stop himself from kicking off.

"That's some temper."

He doesn't reply because he knows if he does it'll be filled with bile. Jamie backs off and stands under the porch. It's absolutely pissing down. He lifts his head and feels the rain pound onto his face. He feels the anger wash off with every drop. Receded back into him. He leans back and laughs. He doesn't know why he's laughing but he is and it feels good. He looks over his shoulder at Jamie who shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

"You're some kind of crazy." He takes off his jacket and walks over. "You must be freezing." He wrapped it around Ste's shoulders and across his chest. The look on his face is amusement and affection. Like Jamie might actually care. They're too close all of a sudden. He can feel Jamie's body heat. Feel everywhere where they're close to touching. Suddenly it's too close and too much.

He wanted to feel cared for. He needed it. Craved it. He stepped forward and kissed him. It was a gentle kiss but he needed more and he went to deepen it but Jamie stepped back.

"Ste." He whispered. Jamie couldn't even look him in the eye.

"I better go." The rejection was bitter. Jamie didn't want him. How could he? He had just seen Ste lose it for no good reason. Who would want him? Damaged goods. Brendan Brady's history lingering on him. "Here." He ripped the jacket off his shoulders and shoved it at Jamie before turning and walking away as quickly as he could.

"Ste wait." He heard Jamie call but he increased his pace.

He knew where his dealer would be. It might have been a while but he knew that the bloke was still there. He had seen him when he walked home, had even exchanged a few pleasantries. There were no pleasantries this time. He just asked for what he wanted and gave him the money.

He sat at the bus stop and waited. He took the first tablet while he waited knew that by the time he got to the club he would be buzzing with confidence and ready for the night.

It was rougher than other gay bars in town but that was why he liked it so much. The music was thumping. His heart was at the same rhythm. He went straight to the bathroom and took a healthy line of cocaine, putting the rest in his pocket. He tried to make himself look presentable, no fuckable. He wanted to be fuckable. He need to be wanted even if it was just for his body. The gel had washed from his hair in the rain but it gave him a younger look. A proper twink, like he used to be. He walked out onto the balcony and surveyed the club below looking for the right guy. Tall, built. There were a few possibilities floating around. He walked down the stairs like he owned the place. Sweet and innocent never got him what he wanted.

The barman nodded to him holding up a bottle of vodka and a can of coke. Ste nodded. He didn't think he'd be remembered.

"Been a while." He said into Ste's ear as he put his drink down.

"Yeah." Ste replied. He palmed the other tablet into his drink.

He thought he had been with the barman before but he couldn't remember. He had been so high at the time it could have been anyone. Hell he couldn't even remember half the guys he had been with during that time.

He turned and looked around the room. There were more than a few eyes focused in on him, or at least his body. He took another drink.

"Someone is looking to get fucked." A deep voice stated into his ear and Ste turned to look at him. Tall, blonde, toned thick arms and defiantly packing from what Ste could see.

"What to help me out?" He looked up through his lashes as he always did, knowing the effect it had.

"Fucking love to come on." He pulled Ste across the floor and into the downstairs toilets.

There was nothing romantic about it. Not that there could be anything romantic about being fucked in a toilet. The bloke went to finger him but Ste pushed him back and turned around bending over leaning against the door.

"Sure you can take it?" The bloke asked into his ear.

"Give it your best shot." It was so easy. He knew how to play them. Challenge them and they always gave more of a pounding.

He tensed as the head pushed against his hole. He felt the lube answering the question of if the guy was a complete sadist, obviously not. Pity.

He forced himself to relax. The cocaine helped ease the pain but still he felt split in two when the guy entered him. It had been too long.

"Take a hit." The bloke shoved a little bottle of Poppers into his hands. He hated poppers but took a hit anyway to force his body to cooperate. The bloke waited a few moments to let it take effect and started pushing in again.

"Fucking tight." The bloke groaned in his ear. "Jesus."

"Jesus Steven…" The memory echoed in his head. "You're fucking arse…"

The bloke managed to get all the way in then paused. Not only not a sadist but bloody courteous. He pushed his hips back the pain shot up his spine. That was what he needed. He wanted to hurt. At least physical pain he could control.

The bloke was still being too careful. He started with long slides in and out but Ste clentched around him to force him to speed up.

"Fucking slut." As the bloke started pounding him. He pushed Ste into the door and his face smacked the hard surface. "That how you like it?" It was like ice down his spine. No, it was not how he liked it. He didn't like it face smacked into a door of a grubby toilet with condoms all over the floor and the sounds of other blokes groaning and moaning from nearby cubicles but it was what he could get.

He just wanted it done now. He pushed back, ignoring the pain and clenched hard the bloke lost all control, grunted and slumped onto Ste's back. "Fucking Christ." He muttered then started kissing Ste's neck. Ste shrugged him off and pulled his jeans up.

"Want me to blow you?" The bloke was still dazed. Jeans at his knees, cock covered in a lime green condom with a streak of blood on it.

"Nah. Got what I came for. Cheers." He unlocked the cubicle and barged past a couple of blokes with tongues stuck down each other's throats.

He practically ran out of the club only the writhing bodies and a shooting pain from his arse slowed his progress. What had he been thinking? He knew better. He'd been down this route before. He knew it didn't work. It never made him feel better.

He had missed the last bus. Idiot. He pulled the cocaine from his pocket, found an empty doorway to shelter from the rain. Turned away from prying eyes. Took the straw he had blagged from a rent boy in the toilet from his pocket and snorted the last of it. If only to relieve the pain in his arse.

His stride still hitched as he walked to the taxi rank. He berated himself all the way there for being so stupid, he couldn't even enjoy the buzz from the cocaine.

It wasn't hard to find a taxi. He was thankful that he had enough cash left on him to pay.

He pulled the flat key from his sock, banging his head on the door of the taxi. The cabbie laughed and wished him a happy come down. He practically fell out of the car but managed to remain on his feet. He struggled to get to the door. The keyhole would come into focus properly but he placed his head on the door and used two hands to get the key in and open the door.

* * *

Author's note: I'm going to be slower on updates as the long weekend if over and I'm back at work.


	8. Chapter 8

There was a noise. A really annoying noise… It was his phone.

He jumped with the realisation. He was on the floor of the living room. Why? Oh. He remembered why. His phone was still ringing.

"'Ello?"

"Ste where are you? You're meant to be opening up." Tony. He'd slept straight through his alarm.

"Shit. Sorry. I slept in." He was meant to be working split shift. Morning, miss lunch then get back for dinner.

"Ummm." Tony didn't believe him. He wondered what was giving him away. "I've opened up and I'll cover but you'll have to work my lunch shift."

"Yeah. Er thanks. I'll be in soon."

"You owe me a morning off."

"Yeah. Thanks. I'll be in soon." He cut the call off. He groaned and leant back against the wall. He felt like shit, worse than shit. He tried to push himself up but a blinding pain took his breath away. He breathed through it and used the sofa to help keep his balance. He managed to get to shuffle to the kitchen. He retrived a box of pain killers from the top cupboard, he popped three from the casing and tried to dry swallow them but he mouth was too dry and he had to get a cup of water.

He groaned to himself. He was such a wreck.

He managed to get to the bathroom. He undressed and started the shower. He needed a hot shower to relieve the pain but he needed a cold one to wake him up. He couldn't take the punishment and turned the dial up.

It hurt just stepping into the bath. He leant forward and let the spray hit his back. A flash of the previous night passed through his mind and suddenly he felt dirty, filthy. He grabbed the shower gel and scrubbed. Scubbed until he started to bleed. He look down at the blood. He still felt dirty. Why couldn't he just… He punched the wall. Tears burned in his eyes. He punched the wall again and he slipped smashing into the bottom of the tub.

He lay on the bottom of the tub with the water turning freezing cold.

"After today we get our happy ending." He remembered saying those words. Well it was some happy ending.

His phone started ringing again. He managed to get himself up and turn off the shower. The phone was silent by the time he got to it.

"1 missed call – Nosh." Tony again.

He needed longer. His right hand wouldn't co-operate without the pain being too much so he fiddled with his left until he could make the call.

"Hey Tony I'm sorry I'll be there in an hour." He put the phone down before anyone could speak.

He needed… He pressed the speed dial.

"Laura Ellington please it's Ste Hay." The receptionist put him straight through.

"Laura, I…" His breath hitched.

"Where are you?" She always knew when he was in trouble.

"The flat."

"10 minutes." She stated then put the phone down.

He had to get dressed. There was no way he could let Laura see him naked, she had already seen him at his most emotionally vulnerable he didn't want her to see him naked as well.

He pulled out some jogging bottoms and manoeuvred them on, it was hard with only one hand. He pulled a tee-shirt on just as there was a knock at the door.

"Come in." He called from the sofa.

She walked straight into the living room, took a look at him and cursed.

"Good night?" She was fuming, he could tell but professionalism was winning out.

He held up his hand and she walked forward. He hissed and tried to withdraw even though she was gentle with his hand. She managed to get him to open it out. She was very gentle as she examined his fingers but it hurt so bad that his eyes teared up.

"Bruised I think since you aren't writhing in agony when I move the joints but it'll need a x-ray. The bloods from a split knuckle." She was talking to herself more than to him. "First aid kit?"

"Top cupboard closet to the oven." He wiped his eyes with his forearm.

She opened the kit and put it on the coffee table. She went back to the kitchen and retrieved some water mixed with TCP he could smell it.

"This is going to sting." She stated before starting to clean the blood away. He hissed despite himself. She went to the fridge and pulled some ice out of the top draw wrapping it in a cloth and handed it over.

"You'll need a trip to an actual doctor." She stated when she had finished. She took the first aid and put it away. "Do you want to tell me?"

"I went on a bender."

"I can see that. Any reason why?"

He told her of Jamie's rejection. About Darren. About losing it. About going to the club. He left out about the bloke and the drugs.

"I just wanted to be wanted." He stated. His hand was numbing. He liked that feeling. It was better than anything else. He wished he could do that to every part of him. Just lie under ice and let it numb all his pain.

"Are you working today?"

"Yeah meant've opened up so I'm working through to make up for it."

"Tomorrow?"

"Might be opening depends when Tony wants to trade."

"As soon as you know give me a call. I want you to come into the office for a session."

"Isn't this a session?"

"No this is me patching you up. A session is when you've got time to talk and you're not on the come down."

"I'm not." He wondered how she knew about the drugs.

"Don't lie."

"Alright. I'll call when I know."

"If you get a chance go to A and E and get an x-ray. I'll be waiting for your call." She walked back out leaving him alone.

He looked around the flat. It was still so lonely. He thought that he would get used to it but it never happened. He was used to noise, grown up his entire life with noise whether it was his mothers drunk ranting or Terry's blaring anger. Then the kids and Amy. Justin and Dom. The kids. Amy. Brendan. It felt too big even though it was tiny.

He sighed and dragged himself to his feet. He had to get to work.

* * *

He was surprised when Tony didn't give him a dressing down, he just looked at him and said nothing. It was far worse.

Once he was in the kitchen he worked on autopilot. It switched himself off and just went through the motions. Until Tony came into the kitchen.

"Go home Ste." He stated. "Come back tomorrow, no point in being here if your hearts not in it."

He didn't even argue, just picked up his coat and headed out into the blustery wild and drizzle. He walked. He didn't have anywhere to go so he just walked and walked. He didn't register the pain anymore. He found himself in the playground. There weren't any kids about the weather was to bleak. He sat on the bench and let the world roll by.

"Thought that was you. What you doing out here?" Darren asked. He had Oscar in a pram with a plastic cover.

"Nothing." Ste replied defeated.

"You alright?" He didn't answer. "Look mate I know I've been giving you a hard time."

"Don't worry about it." It was his own fault. He deserved it.

"You shouldn't sit out here too long you'll get pneumonia." He shrugged. "Come on."

"I'm alright thanks." Darren shouldn't be offering him help not when he had hid kid to look after.

"Ste don't make things so difficult for yourself. Come on I'll take you home." He didn't want to go back there to silence and memories.

"You better go, don't want him catching cold." He nodded to the pram.

"Yeah well… Take care of yourself." Darren walked away.

He watched the rain fall. It was nice, the hum from the road, the sound of the rain.

He shifted his weight as his back protested. He shook his head. What was he doing?

He snorted to himself. He was self-destructing all over again. He couldn't blame anyone this time. There was no one to blame. He had fought so hard to get back on an even keel, to get himself back something, a life. And he was chucking it all over again. He didn't even know why. He had excuses but they didn't work anymore. He wasn't responsible for his past but he was responsible for his life. He had control now.

He was in control of his life and the decisions he made. He was responsible for his actions, no one else. No excuses. He had to get his head straight once and for all.


	9. Chapter 9

Thanks for the reviews and for sticking with this story.

* * *

Amy wasn't happy about upsetting the kids' routine but she had agreed. He had rang ahead of time, knowing better than to just turn up on the door step. And she had let him take them to the park for a few hours.

The weather was cool and there was a threat of rain in the clouds but that didn't dampen his spirits.

It was amazing what a few hours with his children could do. He felt lighter in their presence. Leah gave him more lip than usual but it was beautiful. She was beautiful and he helped make her that way. Lucas was so full of fun, running around. He was really into football and had demanded Ste have a kick about with him because he had been pushing Leah on the swing for ages. Playing football with his son in the park, he lived for it. Lived for them.

He got them back in time for their tea as Amy had insisted. While they were eating she led Ste into the kitchen.

"They seem to have enjoyed themselves." She said as she turned on the kettle.

"Yeah." He smiled looking back into the living room.

"How's Ill Nosh?"

"Busy. We're starting to get a lot of regulars. Tony's happy, he wants us to take on some more staff."

"And how are you?" She could see straight through him. "Come on Ste you and I both know you wouldn't get on a bus and come straight up here if there weren't a reason."

"I just wanted to see them." He stated. "I miss them."

"I know you do. It was just a bit sudden, given that you've got them in another week for the weekend." She poured the boiled water into the two waiting cups and stirred before handing him a cup. And wrapping her hands around her own.

"Can't I just miss them?" Years living apart and she could still get his tea just right.

"Course you can. Ste I know you miss them. They miss you too… Has something happened?"

"No." Too quick. She caught it. He knew better than to even try and shut her down. She was far too perceptive.

"Ste…"

"Look, I just wanted to see my kids."

"Doug says you've met someone." He closes his eyes.

"And what does Doug know? Why is he ringing you anyway?" More to the point.

"We chat. You are married and since I can't be there to keep an eye on you. Doug keeps me in the loop."

"Spies on me you mean." He put his cup down on the side. Why couldn't Doug just mind his own business?

"So what's he like?"

"Who?"

"This new bloke."

"There is no new bloke." He ground out. He was fighting a losing battle. It didn't matter what he said Amy would find out everything especially if Doug was feeding her information.

"Shame." She crinkled her nose. "I thought we told each other everything." Blackmail. Emotional blackmail.

"There might have been a bloke I had a passing interest in but he's not interested in me so there alright, now you know."

"That's not what Doug says."

"Yeah well Doug says a lot of things."

"What happened?" She sighed.

"I kissed him and he didn't want to know." There he'd said it.

"That all?"

"What do you want to know Amy? That I thought that maybe just for a second I could move on with my life then got rejected? That what you want to know." He spat at her, trying to keep his voice down.

"Wow."

"What?" He'd missed something.

"You were thinking about moving on. That's big. I mean it just such a relief. I thought…"

"You thought what?"

"I hoped you know but I didn't think…" A tear slipped from her eye. She stepped forward and pulled him into a hug. "I've been so worried." She said breath hitching. "I thought… When you were really bad I thought that I'd get a phone call one morning and I would have to tell the kids that you were dead."

"Amy." He sighed.

"I had it all planned out. I practiced it." She cried. "I never wanted _that man_ to be responsible for Leah and Lucas losing their dad." She pulled him tighter then let go, moving away wiping her face. "Sorry I just…" She forced a smile. "I'm just so relieved."

"That I got binned off." He had to make her leave the subject of Brendan otherwise she'd get worried again or worse start saying how he was better off without him and he didn't want to make her worry and he really didn't want an argument.

"No, course not." She was smiling though. He loved her smile. "So who is he?"

He shrugged. "Doesn't matter does it."

"Oh come on you can at least tell me about him. There must be something about him."

"He's a nice bloke. He comes into Ill Nosh for coffee."

"Details Steven." Steven. It cut straight through him.

"He's runs a garage." He shrugged. She rolled her eyes at him.

"Is he fit?"

"He's alright." He wished he could stop himself blushing, she always managed to make him.

"Oh he is. Course he is." She was practically gleeful.

"Oh shut up."

"So he's a mechanic. Must have to do a lot of lifting." She gave him a suggestive look.

"What is wrong with you?" He shook his head.

"Come on. Bet he's got big biceps."

"Amy. Stop it."

"I'm sorry but come on Ste. Is he tall? Must be you like them tall."

"Doug wasn't tall." Really, he had to come back with that. He needed shooting.

"He isn't that short."

"Alright fine he's tall."

"Tall, dark and handsome." She said wistfully then she realised who that described and winced. Ste closed his eyes and turned his head. "Sorry."

"No Amy I've got a type." He tried so hard to keep the conversation light. "He isn't though." He pushed forward. He did not want to talk to Amy about Brendan.

"Isn't what?"

"He's tall but he's got like sandy hair." He pushed on. "I'm sure Doug can send you a picture." He couldn't help but have the dig.

"Alright." She held her hands up in surrender. "Fine. I'll stop calling Doug."

"Good." At least he'd managed to get her to agree to that to his face. He doubted that she was going to stick to it.

He played a little more with the kids after their dinner and watched a bit of TV with Leah sat next to him. Before Tony sent him a text asking if he was ok to open in the morning. He replied he was. And with that he knew he had to go. He had to get the bus back down to Chester and he couldn't leave it any later.

"Still ok for me to have them the weekend after next?" He asked because he needed to know. He needed that certainty.

"I'll give you a call before we drive down. Simon's taking me to a spa for the night." She had a lusty glint in her eye.

"Alright, I don't want to know." Amy laughed. If the kids hadn't been there he was sure she would give him far more details just to watch him squirm.

"I'll see you soon." He kissed both of the kids and hugged them close. He turned so they would see the tears in his eyes. It hurt every single time he had to say goodbye.

"Bye Daddy." They echoed.

Amy followed him into the hallway pulling the door too. She hugged him. He kissed her on the cheek.

"I'm so proud of you Ste. You didn't let him ruin your life." Her words cut through his heart. She had never really understood his relationship with Brendan. What it gave him.

"See you soon." He said turning away from her and walking away down the hallway before she had the chance to see he was still hanging by a thread.


	10. Chapter 10

He got into work earlier than needed but he had to do something and making a start on the new specials for the following week was a good use of his time. He did his set, Tony would do his and they'd agree on what made it onto the board.

He loved creating new dishes or twisting old ones. Not too much though he didn't want to alienate the regulars but he liked the idea of broadening people's palates of daring them to try something different. Just as Tony had for him.

"Ste." He looked up. It was in-between breakfast and lunch and the only customers were the 'ladies what brunch' as Barney had dubbed them. Pity he could have done with a rush.

"Hi." He looked down and tried to concentrate on mixing the sauce to try and get the balance just right.

"Look I just wanted to apologise for the other night."

"No need." Ste replied shortly. There was no need whatsoever for Jamie to explain anything to him. He had been crystal clear. He fancied him but he didn't like what was under his skin.

"There is. Will you please just look at me?" He couldn't help that he put the spoon down a little harder than necessary. He didn't want to be reminded that Jamie had rejected him and all that had come after that. He just didn't need it. He was enjoying his work. He just wanted to do what he was good at.

"Look I just need to you to know it wasn't about you."

"Oh it's not you it's me. Classic."

"Alright." Jamie sighed harshly. "My head was a mess. I didn't want to…"

"It's fine." He cut him off. He didn't need a long list of reasons why Jamie no longer wanted to be friends or anything with him but was too much of a decent bloke to just cut him to the quick.

"No it's not Ste will you please just let me speak."

"Fine." He gestured for him to continue.

"Thank you." He paused.

"Well?" He just wanted Jamie to spit it out so he could get on with the rest of his day.

"Jesus you're impossible."

"Yeah I am." He knew. Plenty of people had told him.

"I didn't want to use you alright. My head was a mess and I was thinking about Luke and I didn't want to take you to bed just because…"

"It was a kiss! You think I'm a slut?" He was but that wasn't the point. "You think that after one kiss I would go back to your and shag you?" He would've but Jamie didn't want him.

The ladies 'what brunch' were silent and their gaze was honed in on them but Ste didn't care.

"No, that's not… Ste… This is coming out all wrong."

"Well why don't you go home, write a letter and send it to me when you work out just what you want to say eh."

"I didn't want to ruin this."

"Ruin what?" There was nothing to ruin.

"You know what I'll come back later when you're being more reasonable."

"Reasonable." He barked a false laugh. "Face it Jamie you saw me kick off and decided that you didn't want to deal with any of that."

"That's not it at all." Of course that was it. Jamie just couldn't admit it.

"You know what I'm glad you did saved us both a lot of time."

"Do you ever stop? Honestly do you ever stop and listen before you run your mouth? I didn't want to use you. I stopped myself."

"Oh and I'm meant to be grateful?"

"Yes actually. Because I like you and I didn't want to hurt you."

"By rejecting me."

"I didn't." He took a breath. "I didn't mean… I didn't think you'd take it that way. I tried to explain but you ran off."

"So this is my fault?"

"No. I'm not saying that."

"Sounds like it." Jamie turned away and he thought that he might leave but he turned back.

"Ste look I like you. I like you okay and I was all over the place. I'm sorry that I hurt you, I didn't mean to. Please. Just please give me a chance. And don't say anything right now because I don't want an angry reaction. I will come back later." He didn't give him a chance to reply he just walked out.

"Another satisfied customer." He sighed. He wondered how much she had heard. Properly most of it.

"Morning Laura." He really should have called her.

"You promised me a phone call."

"Yeah, sorry. I went to see my kids, I forgot."

"Don't lie Ste. I think we're past that."

"I went to see my kids." It was worth a try.

"That wasn't the lie. You didn't forget."

"Fine I didn't forget but look I'm not dead in a gutter."

"Ste." She sighed and shook her head. She raised her chin at Barney to bring him over. "Can you make me a strong black coffee and Ste a tea please."

"I'm working."

"Did I say you had to stop?"

"I can't work while you're standing there giving me the third degree."

"Alright fine then you will have to stop working then won't you."

"It's this harassment?" He had already given in, he was only arguing for the sake of it and Laura knew that.

"No this is me making sure of my clients welfare. Come on let's grab a table."

He sulked into a seat. Laura sat opposite. She didn't talk. She didn't start giving him a hard time. She just sat and drank her coffee. She was waiting for him to calm down. He sighed heavily.

"You're right I didn't forget." He gave in. "I just don't want to have to do a session in your office again." She frowned at him. "It's like a step back isn't it."

"And the other night wasn't? Come on Ste you told me yourself you went on a bender, I knew from looking at you that you'd been high. That was a step back."

"I know that." He stated firmly.

"Do you know why you did it?"

He shrugged. That would never been enough for her.

"I just did. And don't look at me like that." Pity, disappointment. He didn't need that.

"You know why you did it." She stated firmly.

"If that's what you think then fine."

"You know why you did it. You know why it doesn't solve anything and you know the consequences. I'm not here to give you a lecture, I'm not even here to tell you not to do it again because that's not my place. How you live your life is up to you."

Barney interrupted. There were orders and he had to get back to work.

"This is why we need a session. It doesn't have to be at the office but it has to be somewhere that you can really work this through." She downed the last of her coffee. "Whenever you're ready."

"Can we go to yours?" He didn't want to be in the office and he didn't want to be at home. "I just… Can we please? It's… I need somewhere new."

"If that's what you need then yes." He was surprised, he didn't think she would go for it. "How were the kids?" She asked as she picked up her bag.

"Good." He smiled. His kids were great.

"Good. Give me a ring when you're ready." He nodded as Barney flapped over to him.

Lunch service was manic but he managed to keep his head in the game and it went like clock work even if Barney had managed to mix up four tables.

"Have you got time to talk?" Jamie. Ste frowned. He hadn't expected him to come back. He shrugged.

"I was wondering if we could start again." Ste looked at him expectantly. "I didn't mean for you to think that I was rejecting you. That's the furthest from what I would want. Look like I said I like you and I didn't want to hurt you but as usual when I try not to do something it happens anyway. So… Is it outside the realms of possibility that you would ever agree to go out with me again? If you don't want to see me again I'd understand but I'd just like to know if you'd go for out with me again sometime."

He found himself speechless. He didn't know what he wanted, he wasn't sure about anything. He needed to get himself sorted out before he started anything else that could mess with his head. He frowned at himself. Laura was defiantly rubbing off on him. That was far too sensible but it was what he needed.

"I'm not saying no, but I just need some space. I've got a lot on."

"So don't call me I'll call you is basically what you're saying."

"Yeah but I will call you just not right now. I'll let you know though since I see you just about every day anyway."

"Good enough for me." Jamie smiled and he found himself smiling back.


	11. Chapter 11

Thank you for the reviews and follows. It is very much appreciated.

I admit I struggled with the chapter. I've re-written it 3 times and I'm still not 100% with it but if I don't post it then I'll keep tinkering with it, maybe even re-write it again and I won't be able to get on with where this is going.

* * *

Laura's flat was not what he was expecting although he wasn't sure what he had expected. It was homely. It was open plan but each space had a different colour scheme which made it feel like they were separate. The living room was lilac with a feature wall of black covered with flicks of paint to make it look like stars. The kitchen was white with a feature wall of lime covered by hand painted gold swirls. He caught a look at her bedroom it was white with the wall behind the bed a deep Navy blue. It was clean but there was clutter everywhere. Books on just about every surface. There were a lot of framed paintings which didn't seem to be of anything they were just colours with thick black lines separating each section. Her living room had a black L-shaped sofa. There were bean bags and foot rest dotted around. Her desk was in the living room. A simple metal frame with a glass top facing the starry wall with a laptop and several thick files piled up to the height of the desk next to it.

"You haven't got a TV." It had struck him as very odd.

"It's in the bedroom… Go on look I know you're dying to." She stated pottering about in the kitchen.

The TV was on the wall with a set of massive speakers either side of a glass fronted cabinet filled with DVD's on one side and CD's on the other. He didn't recognise half the albums and some of the DVD's were in foreign languages. He looked around at the room, there was a walk-in wardrobe to the side and a door to what he assumed was an en suite. There were more drawings on the wall, there was another desk under the window covered in bottles, paint brushes, various boxes of art materials and three A3 bound sketch pads and 8 or so A4 sketch pads lying in a pile on the floor. There was another open on the desk. He walked over. Laura was the artist. They were her paintings on the walls.

"Done snooping?" She asked holding out a steaming mug of sweet tea.

"I didn't know that you paint."

"Despite how much time we've spent together, you don't know very much about me. Which is how it's meant to be." He followed her into the living room.

"Should I lie down on the couch?" He joked feeling nervous for some reason.

"You can sit on my couch Ste." She said rolling her eyes. He sat down, placing his mug on a small wooden coaster on top of a pile of books to the side of the sofa.

"Where do you want to start?" He asked unsure. He had wanted somewhere different but now he was there he missed familiar surroundings.

"Stealing my lines." She smiled and he relaxed a little. She sat on one of the foot stools facing him.

He needed a pointer, so way of knowing what he was meant to be talking about. She always told him to just talk and see where that lead but this wasn't like then.

"How about we work out what triggered your 'step back'."

"I told you he rejected me." He didn't want to talk about it now he was faced with it. He wasn't on the come down, he wasn't bleeding, and he wasn't breaking into pieces so he didn't want to go back to feeling that way.

"So your reaction is to go and get high as a kite because some bloke rejects you. It wasn't about that."

"Really? Then why don't you enlighten me then."

"You're going through a rough patch."

"Rough patch? My life has been one long rough patch or did you forget?"

"Ste don't…" She sighed.

"Don't what? Come on you've got all the answers tell me."

"Don't get aggressive because you're feeling threatened. I'm not a threat to you. I'm not going to use what I know against you because I wouldn't. I would never do that."

"Oh because you're so much better than me is that it?"

"Ste."

"What?" He snapped.

"I don't think I'm better than you."

"You think you're so sorted."

"Will you just stop it? Seriously stop throwing shit at me because you're terrified of what I'm going to say."

"I'm not scared." He was. He was scared out of his mind.

She sat back and shook her head, sighing.

"You're scared that I'll say something and you'll realise its true and it'll hurt so you're trying to get in the first hit. You're trying to push me away, you're trying to make me get angry so you have an excuse to walk out that door and go on another bender. Because that's all your waiting for, one excuse to fall back into the pit because it's so much easier there than fighting for what you want but you and I both know that you won't be able to stay there because for one you don't want to be there, two you've been there and already got out because you hated it and three you couldn't bare to lose your children."

"Don't bring them into this." He felt calmer though.

"They're part of your life. And you're a good father. Now can we sort this out or are you going to go and see your dealer?"

"I don't have to listen to you. This is my life. You don't get to tell me what to do. You sit in that chair and give me the 'I know you' act but you don't know me. You don't know anything. You don't know what's like."

"My Dad was a drug dealer, a major one." He stared at her. She never told him about herself. She always kept the sessions about him.

"I grew up around thugs, violence and drugs. My mother died when I was 13, I sat at her bedside while I watched the life drain out of her. I fought to become my Dad's right hand because I wanted to be around him and if I wasn't part of that world there would always be that block between us. I became a thug. I had people hurt on my orders. I dealt drugs to anyone who had the money. I was a fucking bitch to everyone because I had to be. Show no weakness because that way no one could get to me." He found himself sitting down, captivated in horror.

"I met Sean in a club. He was there with his uni mates and I was there to knee cap the owner of the club for kicking out our dealers earlier in the night. I saw him and I thought, Jesus the things I could do to that. He bought me a drink while my guys put a man in hospital. Somehow we ended up seeing each other, it worked." She shrugged. "He proposed while we sat at a bus stop eating chips while it pissed down with rain. I wanted to be with him and the rest of it didn't matter so I cut ties with my Dad and everyone and I thought that I'd left it all behind because I knew I couldn't have both. But I should have known that it couldn't last." She shook her head and smiled sadly before taking a deep breath.

"The guy that I had put in hospital, he got brain damage. His son came after me. He was going to kill me but Sean stepped in. Got a knife in the gut for his trouble. See when you asked me if I wished it had been me, I do. I wish it because it's what I deserve. It was me that caused all that. It was my fault that the man I loved died." She looked down at her hands before looking him straight in the eye.

"I went on the biggest drug binge. I took anything and everything I could get my hands on. I ended up overdosing. I found myself on the floor of my flat covered in vomit with my heart beating so slowly I thought that it was going to give out and I have never been so scared in all my life. I lay there and I realised that that wasn't how I wanted to end my life. So when I didn't die, I cold turkey'd myself in my flat. I was a full blown addict and I only realised when I'm clawed the skin off my arms and legs because I needed something so badly but I didn't give in because I knew Sean wouldn't want me to. I picked myself up, decided I wanted to do something with my life. Joey, this lad that used to deal for my Dad went into rehab and he asked me to visit him. I went and I saw what the councillors did and I realised that that was what I wanted to do. I wanted to help people so it wouldn't be so hard for them. I thought I was good at it too, so good I thought that I could fix everyone I worked with." She rolled her eyes and shook her head again.

"Emily was a 15 year old prostitute she had been abused all her life until she had run onto the streets I worked with her and I thought we were getting there, thought that I had fixed her but I went in one day and she had hung herself. I had a relapse, a bad one and it was only when I woke up in hospital that I realised that I couldn't stay clean for Sean, for the memory of the man I loved who I got killed and I couldn't use Emily as an excuse for my relapse because the truth was that I chose to take those drugs. I went through counselling. And I learned that I could only stay clean for me and that I couldn't use Sean or Emily or my mum or my dad as an excuse because it was all on me, it was my choice." She paused and opened her arms out. A gesture which he read to say 'go on judge me'.

He thought about everything she said. About everything she had been though. He knew that she understood. He had known that when he had first met her and nothing she had done had ever suggested to him that she was judging him and now he understood why. She had been where he had been. She had put herself there just as he knew he had. She hadn't been able to cope just as he hadn't been able to cope so she had gone to drugs as a way out of the pain just as he had.

Brendan wasn't dead though. But she had always told him that it didn't matter because he was still separated from his lover. Death or a thousand miles, it should feel different but it didn't because it meant the same thing except for that he had hope. Hope that one day Brendan would get out and they'd get what they had had back. But he was terrified of being alone until then because he knew that it might not happen. That anything could happen to Brendan on the inside, anything could happen to him on the outside. They might not ever get a second chance, a third… He couldn't keep track of how many chances they had had. How many times something had gone wrong.

"You say you're in control of your life, that you make the choices and you do. How you deal with everything you have been through is up to you but you can't use it as an excuse every time things go wrong and you can't keep thinking that getting in the first hit is going to protect you because if you keep thinking that everything good in your life is going to turn to shit then it will because you'll make it turn to shit just to prove you were right."

He was sabotaging himself. He knew he was because he felt so guilty for living his life that he didn't want anything good to happen to him. He only let good things happen for other people. Tony, Amy the kids, but then he'd do anything for them, anything to make sure they were happy and healthy.

"You're in pain, you're scared and you're pushing everyone away because you don't think you can take another hit right now and that's fine Ste, but don't ever think that it won't get better because you've already proven to yourself that you can get your life back and you've shown me you want to keep what you have. You are strong Ste and you can do this. Don't use anyone as an excuse when you fall off the wagon because you were waiting for an excuse. You chose to fall off."

He looked down and bit his lip before looking back up. Knowing that she was right. He had chosen to use excuses instead of taking responsibility for his actions. It was so much easier to blame everyone else and use excuses.

"What got nothing to say?" She asked. He didn't blame her for expecting him to give her shit but he couldn't. She had confessed to him. Trusted him with a dark past. She had trusted him just like he had trusted her but now it felt cleaner somehow.

"I… I am scared. I'm scared that I'll feel like this forever, but I want to feel this way because if I don't then I have to admit that it's over. That as long as I feel this way I'm not forgetting him or forgetting what we had. If I stop feeling this way then it's over isn't it? I still love him. I miss him. I want him here with me. And if I start… If I start going out with someone I'll letting go of part of what we had because I'd had to. I'd have to loosen the grip. I went with other people in the past. I did it in the past to hurt him. I went with other people to prove a point, to show him that I didn't need him. I was so angry at him for not being who I needed him to be. For not being able to admit who he was for me. For punching me. For making me feel like nothing. But he was always there then. Even when we weren't together he was there looking out for me. Even when I was being a bastard to him. But then he changed and all that stuff, I let it go as much as I could because I had to so that we could be together and I wanted that more than I wanted to be angry with him… I don't want to let him go but he let me go. And I know that he was letting me go for the right reasons but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like he's sacrificing himself for me and I don't deserve that. I'm not worth that. He sacrificed his freedom for his sister but… He sacrificed his happiness for me. And I can't take that. I can't take it that he's in a cell, tortured by all that shit and I'm not there. I should be there with him. He should be here with me. I need him here with me so I can do this. I just… I fucking really need him and I can't have him and it's tearing me apart. I'd give up everything, everything to be with him again just once, just a few minutes, a few fucking seconds to just hold him, kiss him and tell him that I love him but he won't let me because he knows that if he lets me see him I won't be able to stop, that he won't be able to stop because this thing between us, it's more than either of us and…" He wiped his eyes on his sleeve. "But I can't live like this. I've tried. I can't keep being angry with him, I'm so tired of it but at least if I'm angry or acting out because of him. He's still part of my life. But all the stuff he said to me, all the stuff he did to me it just runs through my head making me doubt if he ever felt the way I do. I'm scared that with all that time on his hands he'll remember me the way I am, the stubborn brat who chucked everything because of my pride. That he'll stop loving me, that if he ever does get out he won't come and get me. He'll leave me where I am because he won't want me anymore. I'm scared that if he does come for me and he sees that I have a life that he'll think that I don't need him anymore. That I don't love him anymore and he'll leave without even talking to me, just leave me to my life and I can't… I can't... But I'm so fucking lonely." He thought he had the tears under control but he didn't. Laura wrapped her arms around him and he clung to her long after the tears had past.

* * *

He woke up on a sofa, face mashed into a cushion with a blanket covering him. He was confused for a moment then realised he was in Laura's flat. He pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time it was almost half nine.

There was a note on the coffee table.

_Ste, _

_Left you to sleep because you needed it. I've got a meeting in Chester. I left the spare set of keys so you can lock up because I know you have to go to work. You can give me them back later._

_Laura._

He had to get back to the flat and get changed for his shift. He walked back through the village. He looked at the deli, it had been his it wasn't anymore.

He walked in.

"Walk of shame?" John-Paul asked throwing him off balance.

"Er no. Doug can I have a word?"

"Sure." Making no effort to move from behind the counter.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've been a complete twat to be around. I don't want to lose you as a friend and I'm sorry that I've been pushing you away."

"A night in the bed of a good looking man does wonders." He was trying to build a bridge and John-Paul was trying to make him lose his temper.

"Oh just fuck off would you?"

"That didn't last long." He gritted his teeth because he didn't want to let John-Paul win.

"Look, I'm sorry alright. And for your information I spent the night at Laura's."

"Is everything ok?" Doug asked immediately.

"Yeah just needed to sort some stuff out. I better go."

"Any time you need to talk Ste I'm here."

"Thanks, I'll see you later."

He walked quickly home to get changed he rattled around the flat listening to the silence. He picked up a note pad from the side and started to write.

_Dear Brendan…_

He scribbled it out and tried again.

_Brendan_,

There was so much to say. So much he wanted to say. So many things that he should tell him. Even more that he shouldn't.

_You thought I'd be alright without you, that I could live without you. _

He knew where that was going. Guilt trip a man in prison? With only concrete for company. He shook his head and scrunched up the paper.

_I love you. Always have since… so long. Possibly not the first time we met because knocking me out wasn't the best introduction_.

That wasn't right. Remind him of the violence of their relationship.

_I don't know what you saw in me. A council estate rat, a chancer. Blackmailer. I guess it was that I was only blackmailing you for the sake of my kids. I suppose it was pity._

It was never pity. They had never been about pity. Never. They had been about acceptance. He had accepted Brendan and Brendan had accepted him. Acceptance that neither of them were exactly pin up's as examples of good men but they were trying their best. Trying to get through, trying to get through their pasts and become something better, someone better.

_You had me at our first kiss._

He had been scared out of his mind but he had wanted Brendan even if Brendan didn't want him. He wanted him so he had gone for it. He remembered the fear, the excitement. He remembered the rejection, the panic. He wonders what would have happened if he hadn't gone for it. He smiled somehow he didn't think it would matter. They would have found a way.

_I didn't always like you._

He had never hated him, come close but he hadn't. He'd been scared of him. But even when the beatings had been at their worst he had never hated him. Would have been so much easier if he had.

_I can't remember what it was like without you in my head._

Brendan wasn't in control of him. He had controlled his actions for a time but he had never really been in control of his feelings.

He remembered Dublin and how happy he had been. How they had finally made it. Finally gotten to where they wanted to be together on the bridge. For all their struggles they had gotten to a place where they could be together. He remember what it felt like when Brendan confessed he loved him and this time they were equals. There was no control, no fear. Just two men finally getting what they had wanted for so long.

He started again.

_Brendan,_

_I'll never find anyone who understands me the way you do._

_I'll never find anyone who I love as much as you. _

_But I can't live on hope. I can't live hoping that one day you'll walk through the day and we'll be able to pick up where we left off even if it's all I want. I have to let go of that hope and that doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore because that's just not true. I love you but I can't live my life alone. I'm not giving up on us, on you. I just can't be happy alone. I need someone in my life and that doesn't mean that I'll take anyone, not anymore. _

_And I'm not replacing you because no one could ever replace you. I have to stop being angry at you because I know you were doing what you had to for someone you love, that doesn't mean that I can forgive you for choosing her over me. But you would have taken a bullet for me, I suppose it was just her turn, you had to take the bullet for her. I wish things were different but I can't wish my life away. _

_I need to be a good Dad and the person I am right now isn't a good Dad. I do things that could end up hurting my kids and you know that I would do anything to stop that happening._

_I need to let go, but that doesn't mean I'm letting go. I… I know now that it's not the same. I realise that now._

_I'm living my life and you'll always be a part of my life, I'm not forgetting you. I'm not because I couldn't. I can't forget what we had, what we could have had but I can't keep waiting for it to happen because it's not going to is it. Not for a long time, if at all._

_I love you Brendan and as soon as you get out I want you to find me. I want you to come and see me because there is nothing that you could do, nothing that could happen that would ever make me not want you._

_I'm just doing what I have to do to get through this because if I let this hurt this way, if I keep feeling this way I'll never be the person that I want to be for my kids. I'll never be what I want to be._

_I'm sorry that I have to do this. I'm sorry I'm not stronger, that I can't live my life alone and be happy. But I can't do that, it's not who I am._

_This is my last letter to you, not that you read them anyway. I have sent my last visitors request, no that you let me visit._

_Please be safe and please don't let being in there change you. Remember you are a good man._

_I love you_

_Ste._

He placed it in an envelope and wrote the address he had memorised with the addition of _Please read this,_ _for me_ on the back. He posted it on the way to work.

* * *

Authors note: Right time to come clean. I had another few chapters planned out for this but I've realised that my pacing is off. The next chapter is going to get through what those would have covered but it's going to move the story on quite a bit... If you're sticking with this, thank you for staying with me, the payoff is coming. Seven years is good enough to serve for murder isn't it?


	12. Chapter 12

Thank you for your very kind reviews.

Author's note: I was going to rush this section of the story but I've decided against it. I've written it the quick way and I really didn't like it. It feels wrong and it feels lazy. So I'm going to take my time and hope you stick with me. My comments still stand, it'll just take longer to get where it's going. I'm sorry if this change of heart annoys anyone.

* * *

"I packed their water proofs and their wellies and some jumpers." Amy rattled on.

He looked pointedly at the clear blue sky. It was a beautiful warm day. He folded his arms and waited for her to stop.

"I put in a couple of DVD's but they've done their homework so you don't need to do any of that… Here's the number for the hotel, my mobile." He shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Simon's mobile. My Dad is working today and tomorrow but you can ring him and he'll drop everything."

"Amy." He stated waiting for her to look at him. "You are going to Bangor, it's less than five hours drive away you are not going to the moon. I've got your mobile number. Why you would think I'd need Simon's is beyond me." She hadn't been this bad last month when he had looked after them. "Will you just chill out and enjoy your weekend?"

"I just want to make sure they've got everything."

"They've got everything. You didn't make this fuss when you went to Africa." She hadn't made that much fuss the month before, he assumed it was because she was going to be somewhere other than home.

"I know it's just… I do trust you, it's just…"

"You don't trust me as much as you did then." He sighed. "It's fine Amy. Any problems I will call you but there won't be any. I will keep my phone switched on and you can ring me any time to check."

"I don't need to do that." She replied with fierceness. "I don't need to check up on you."

"Then go before you waste the rest of the weekend standing there listing things at me I'm sure Simon will be sat tapping his watch. Go. We're going to have fun aren't we?" The kids jumped up and down. "See, now go on."

He gave them some lunch and they played for a while. Leah sat with a sketch pad and Lucas playing on of his video games. But it felt wrong to be inside on such a nice day.

"Do you want to go for a kick about?" He asked aiming his question at Lucas who ran into his room and pulled his football out of his bag before sprinting back.

"I want to finish this." Leah stated glued to her sketch pad. "I've got to practice."

"You can do that in the park. There's lots of things you can draw in the park."

"But I won't have my pens."

"You could draw in one colour then colour them in later." He suggested. He knew that Leah wasn't being difficult. She loved to draw. "What do you need to practice for anyway? You know you're dead good."

"That's not what Marie says."

"And who's Marie?"

"Girl in my class. She's better than me. Mrs Grey always picks her painting out, not mine."

"Come on Leah I want to play football." Lucas demanded.

He did not want it to turn into a fight. They got along well but as they were getting older, they had started arguing more. Amy said it was natural, that she had Sarah had argued loads when they were little, he remembered them having a fair few slanging matches when they were older but he didn't like his kids fighting.

"Bring your pens and a sketch pad to the park and while me and Lucas have a game I'll ring a friend of mine who's a pretty good artist and I'll see if she'll show you some of her stuff later maybe she'll even help you."

"Will you ring her now?" Leah smiled. "Please Daddy." She always knew how to play him.

"Alright." There was no harm. "Laura?" He asked her to meet him in the park.

She was waiting for them when they arrived at the park. She pulled him to the side.

"You never said anything about your kids."

"And? You knew I had them for the weekend." He frowned.

"I don't do kids." She hissed. "I don't know how to deal with them."

"Look Leah just wants some help with her drawing and I thought that you'd be able to help her. She just wants to get better and I'm no good so I thought of you. You don't have to." He lay out the blanket so that they could work on the grass without getting dirty.

"Please." Leah asked. Ste snorted to himself at her pleading, puppy dog eyes. Both he and Amy had a lot to blame for look because that's where she had gotten it from.

"Laura this is Leah. Leah this is my friend Laura." He introduced them. "This is Lucas."

"Nice to meet you." Laura said. Ste bit his lip to stop from laughing. Laura really wasn't comfortable with kids.

"Leah show Laura what you're doing and she'll help you."

"Ok." She grabbed Laura's hand and dragged her to the blanket where she had lain her sketch pad and pens out ready.

He watched them settle down with Leah talking a mile a minute at Laura who looked completely out of her depth.

"Come on Dad." Lucas moaned.

He was knackered by the time he sat down on the grass with Lucas to have a breather. He lay back while he listened to Laura and Leah talk while Lucas picked grass and threw it at him because he hadn't been able to hack the pace.

"Alright Ste?" He looked up to find Doug, John-Paul with Matthew in his arms standing off to the side.

"Good. You?"

"Just out to enjoy the sunshine. I didn't realise that Leah and Lucas were down."

"Amy's away with her bloke."

"Laura how are you?" Doug asked. He was fairly sure that Doug resented Laura for being the one who he went to but he didn't care.

"Getting a lesson in how year 3 art works." She replied as she was drawing out shapes for Leah. "Family day out?"

"Yeah we're going for a late lunch. Enjoy the rest of your day." John-Paul stated and started walking, Doug paused for a moment then followed. He waved them off.

"Alright time for round 2. I get a two goal advantage since you're running rings 'round me." Lucas didn't even protest he just got up and rushed to where he had put the goal posts. He supposed that Lucas wouldn't care as long as he was kicking the ball about.

"Someone's got some skills." He whipped round. Jamie. He walked over. "And who is this?" He asked.

"Lucas my son." He couldn't remember ever mentioning the kids to Jamie. "And that Leah my daughter over there."

"Didn't realise you had kids. Must have started young."

"Yeah." He shrugged everyone said that. It was true too. "Not see you around the last few days."

"Yeah I've been down in London. I had to sign so paperwork for the house you know…" He trailed off. "How've you been?"

"Daddy play with me." Lucas pouted.

"Can I play?" Jamie startled him but he was looking at Lucas for permission.

Lucas would never refuse anyone offering to play with him as long as he or Amy agreed.

"Bit unfair. Two on one." He suggested.

"Leah'll play." Lucas stated and ran over to Leah who looked none too pleased but Laura took Lucas' hand and headed over.

"I volunteered." She explained. "Your daughter is so much like you it's scary."

"What loveable and cute?" He joked.

"No, stubborn." She smiled.

"Daddy's on my team." Lucas stated taking his hand.

They played for nearly an hour, Leah got bored sat alone and she joined Laura and Jamie's team. It was the most fun he had had in a while. Just playing with his kids in the sunshine.

"Dad can Laura come for tea?" Leah asked when he sat on his knees away from the game and tried to get his breath back.

"Well I'm sure Laura has things she needs to be doing but you can ask."

"Dad can Jamie come too?" He looked at Leah and she smiled sweetly. "He can keep Lucas busy."

He laughed.

"You can ask." He shook his head in disbelief as he knew the plan was that she could monopolise Laura's time better with Lucas distracted.

He watched as Leah asked Laura who immediately looked at him with an almost frightened look. Leah turned to Jamie and Lucas demanded that he agree.

Jamie walked over to him.

"I've been invited for tea."

"You don't have to say yes. Leah just wants you to play with Lucas so she can bleed Laura dry of art knowledge. If you've got plans there's no problem."

"I haven't. What we having?"

"I was going to make fish fingers beans and chips for the kids and grab myself a take away."

"I suppose a chef doesn't want to cook on his day off."

Laura walked over.

"My presence has been demanded for dinner." She stated.

"I was just saying to Jamie you don't have to. And don't be afraid to say no to an eight year old."

"I'm not." She was. She was out of her depth with Leah and he found it hilarious. She could stand up to him when he was in one and yet she was scared of kids.

"Indian, Chinese or Pizza?" He asked since he knew they were both coming. Hell hath no fury like Leah scorned.

"Pizza?" She asked looking to both Ste and Jamie.

"Fine with me as long as we can decide on toppings if not then we'll have to get three." Ste replied.

"Leah wants to see some of my sketch books so I'll just stop off at home before heading round. Half five alright?" Laura asked.

"Fine by me." He replied. "Thanks for doing this. She really just wants to be good at it."

"She is good, she just wants to be even better." Laura replied walking back over to the blanket and picking up her bag.

He checked his watch it was closing in on four.

"Up for another game." He asked Jamie before heading back to the 'pitch'.

* * *

He kept hold of Lucas' hand as they walked back to the flat together. Leah had made Jamie her new target and was running rings around him with all her questions.

"It's not much but its home." Ste said as he unlocked the door. "Get yourselves cleaned up while I start your tea." He watched them along the hall. "Coffee or tea?"

"Tea please." Jamie replied following him into the kitchen. "You're different when you're with them." He stated.

"Yeah. I am." He could never deny it.

"Your Leah has a mouth on her." Jamie stated but he was smiling. "She's a handful."

"She's like a proper mix of me and Amy." He shrugged. "I might not be her biological dad but she really is." He turned the kettle on and started the oven up to get it pre-heated.

"Lucas is yours though?"

"Yeah, but they both are. I was there when Leah was born, she's mine in all the ways that matter."

Jamie was quiet.

"Milk and two right?" Ste asked. He couldn't remember off the top of his head but he was fairly sure he was right.

"Yeah."

Leah came back in asked for some juice then took herself back over to the table opening up her sketch pad. Lucas ran in and sat hard on his bottom grabbing the controls for the video game.

"Dad." Lucas called.

And he dutifully gave Leah her juice before turning the TV on and going back through the setting so that Lucas could start the game where he had left it.

"Peace descends." He smiled as he took the fish fingers out and pulled out a pan.

"So you're not with their mother…" Jamie looked away and shook his head. Ste rolled his eyes.

"No."

"Was it because you're gay?"

"No me and Ames were over long before I came out. She lives in Manchester with her bloke. We're still good friends though. Hard with them being up there but Amy wanted to do a new course and I didn't want to stop her. She's happy and the kids are happy and if I don't get to see them as much as I would like its fine because that's all that matters."

"What about you?"

"Like I said as long as they're happy." He said. He had a feeling the conversation was going somewhere he didn't want it to. Like Jamie was going to start asking about his past.

"Did you get all the paperwork sorted then? For the house?"

"Yeah. Luke's solicitor had everything ready to sign. Jenna was there but he wasn't."

"Luke?"

"Yeah he was away on business. The bastard" He looked at Jamie sharply then to the kids who weren't listening thankfully. "Sorry, he didn't have the guts to turn up."

"Did you want him to?"

"Yeah, thought I could have given him a piece of my mind… It was better this way I suppose, I would have looked like the jealous ex and I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he can get to me." He shrugged.

"He does though."

"Course he does." Jamie sighed. "I gave that man years of my life and we planned a future together just for him to bottle it and marry some woman to make his parents happy."

Laura arrived just as Leah and Lucas were finishing their dinner. Which effectively ended all chances of him getting Leah to eat all her vegetables.

A few hours of Leah grilling Laura and a multiplayer game with Lucas as both Jamie and himself took turns to lose. He put the kids to bed, only after Laura had solemnly promised to return the next day with her watercolours for Leah. He read Lucas a story, then Leah read a few pages from her book to him.

Laura and Jamie went and picked up the pizza deciding delivery was too expensive. He'd had half a minute of panic of the idea of the two of them together talking about him. But he could trust Laura she wouldn't say anything.

By the time he returned to the living room Laura was in the process of picking out a DVD and Jamie was in the kitchen looking for plates.

He took a moment to appreciate the flat being full of life. It was refreshing after months of solitude broken only by the brief visits from his kids. It was nice having two adults there who could keep him company when his kids were in bed.

"I worry about you." Laura stated holding up a copy of the Human Centipede.

"I've never seen that." Jamie as he came through with the plates.

"I'm not watching that while I'm eating." Laura protested.

"I thought you had a strong stomach." He smirked.

"Strong, not Iron cast. Fast and Furious."

He looked at Jamie who shrugged. Laura didn't wait and put the disk in.

"You just want to ogle Paul Walker."

"Guilty." Laura replied settling on the floor.

He sat at the other side of the sofa to Jamie as they shared each other's pizza. Laura nicking the last piece of Ste's upon his agreement.

He found himself drifting off half way through the film. He was full of food, his house was full of life. He felt the knot he didn't know had been in his gut loosening off. He felt the most content he had in a very long time.

Laura shook him awake as the credits rolled.

"I've got to get off home. Give me a ring when you want me to turn up tomorrow." She said as she picked her bag and sketch books up. Offered a warm smile then walked out.

"I'll help you tidy up." Jamie offered.

The uneasy atmosphere returned with Laura's departure. As they moved around each other Jamie caught his arm and pulled him into a gentle kiss. He pushed him away.

"I said I need some space." He wasn't ready. He knew he wasn't.

"I just couldn't resist, sorry." Jamie had his eyes cast down. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not saying no, I'm saying not yet." He thought he had made himself clear.

"Why not yet?" Jamie stood back against the oven, giving him space.

"I don't need to explain myself."

"Is this something to do with Brendan?"

He stood stock still. Speechless. Hearing Brendan's name after such a good day, a day where he'd managed to enjoy himself without feeling guilty. It was like being drenched in freezing water. The guilt returned with a vengeance.

"Oh come on Ste. I'm not stupid. Darren mentions his name and you bolt. I take it that he's the one that hurt you so badly that everyone around you is worried about you when all I've seen is a strong, mature bloke with two great kids. Someone like you isn't sticking their tongue down my throat then bolting and thinking I'm reject them without someone messing them up."

"Get out." He found his voice but it wasn't strong.

"What did he do?" He could see that Jamie just wanted to understand but he didn't want to tell him. He wouldn't tell him. He had no right to even know Brendan's name. No right to think he knew anything.

"Get out." He pushed him a little to get him to move.

"Ste. I just…"

"Go." He pushed him harder.

"Alright I'm going…" He stopped just outside the door. "When you're ready to tell me, I'll be here. Don't let him ruin your life."

He slammed the door in his face. He took a few breathes, turning and leaning against the door. He let himself slide to the floor.

* * *

"It's like he thought he had the right to tell me what to do." He leaned back against the sink, trying to remain calm. His kids were in the next room. He would not rage despite how much he wanted to. "He doesn't even know me and he's telling me not to let Brendan ruin my life, just like Amy, Doug fucking everyone… He doesn't even fucking know me." He kicked the cupboard with his heel.

"He doesn't know me. Doesn't know what I've been through just to get here."

Laura stood and listened patiently, keeping half an eye on Leah who was currently colouring one of her rough sketches with water colours.

"How much sleep did you get?" She asked. It was a diversion tactic she used a lot, he knew what she was doing but he took the opportunity gratefully. Change the subject to calm him down. He needed to calm down. He didn't want Leah or Lucas to get upset, and he certainly didn't want to explain why he was upset.

"Not much." He didn't even try lying. He had looked in the mirror, he knew he looked knackered.

"You're right he doesn't know you. He doesn't know anything about you and Brendan and he certainly doesn't know what you've been through but that's not his fault Ste. Before you even start it's not yours either I understand why you don't want to tell him but look at it from his perspective. All he can see is that you've been hurt and he doesn't know how badly. He just sees that you're in pain and like all men he just wants to fix it."

"You think I overreacted." He gritted his teeth. Even she couldn't understand.

"Of course I bloody don't. I know exactly where you're coming from. You asked for space and he didn't give you enough. He pushed when you aren't ready. But he didn't know how much space you needed. He didn't have a clue and he got it wrong. He's not a bad bloke. You need to think about this though Ste because you aren't going to be able to hide forever. If you want a relationship with anyone you're going to have to let them in. I'm not saying you have to tell him anything but you need to tell him something before someone else does." Instinct kicked in and he gave her a wary look.

"Don't you look at me like that you know I won't say anything but this is a small village and there are plenty of gossips. Whether he listens to them or not you know as well as I do that he'll hear something if people keep seeing you together, even as friends. Don't you think it would be better coming from you?"


	13. Chapter 13

Thank you so much for reviewing and following this story.

A special thank you to "Guest" you know who you are. I am very grateful for your continued support.

Last chapter was a let up, this is dark. Very dark.

Disturbing themes.

This is the long way. Some of you may wish I'd gone the short way after reading this.

* * *

"Mum, Dad's friend Laura. She helped me with my art work. She gave me a full sketch book to practice mixing colours. Look she got me some water colours." She proudly showed them to Amy. "Why don't you say bye to your Dad and go and show Simon?" Amy suggested and Leah flew into his arms as he hunched down.

"Miss you Daddy." She kissed his cheek then ran out the door to join Lucas and Simon who were playing football.

"Miss you too." He sighed but she was already gone.

"Tell Laura thank you. She's certainly made an impression."

"Yeah well Leah didn't give her much of a choice. As soon as I mentioned Laura was a bit of an artist Leah pretty much demanded to meet her."

"You're still seeing her." She made it sound like Laura was his girlfriend.

"Yes."

"Must be good if you can still stand her."

"She is. She's helping."

"Seen any more of that bloke?"

"A bit but he lives in the village so bound to bump into each other." He shrugged.

"Amy." Simon called through the door.

"We better go, we're hoping to catch a film. Take care of yourself." She hugged him.

"You too." He kissed her on the cheek.

He waved them off. He closed the door and sighed. It was always so quiet when the kids weren't there. It was strange how just two days with them in the flat made him forget what it was like when they weren't there. It seemed colder. Damper. Empty.

He cleared the dishes and put them back in the right place thankful that he had to be in work in half an hour.

He picked up the post he had put to the side as Amy arrived.

He saw the letter and fear gripped his entire body. A letter from Strangeways.

He opened it to find his letter, his envelope, with his message on it. Unopened.

He sighed heavily. He really thought this time would be different. He rolled his eyes at his own stupidity of course Brendan wasn't going to read it just because he had asked him to on the envelope. He turned it over in his hand.

He waited. He didn't know what he was going to do but he had to have a reaction. What would he demand of himself? Destroy everything in sight? A drugs binge? Half a litre of Vodka and a bottle of Jack D?

He just felt numb.

Unshakably, completely numb.

He walked to work. He worked all day as he had to make up his weekend off. He didn't get upset when a customer sent their food back three times. He didn't complain when Joe had to leave early in the middle of a massively busy service. He didn't kick off when Barney dropped an entire order, he just re-made it without a word.

He waited.

He expected it to hit him when he got home but it didn't. He took a shower, got changed and went to bed. He slept.

He thought that it was best to distract himself. If he distracted himself then it wouldn't be so bad when it hit him. He cleaned, everything. Top to bottom the kitchen at work was spotless. He scrubbed the floor so hard his fingers bled but he just looked at them and continued on scrubbing, re-mopped the floor to clear the blood stains.

He worked longer hours. Tony grateful for his willingness to take morning and evening shifts.

He took up a gym membership as another distraction. He worked, he went to the gym at lunch, he worked, he cleaned until the early hours, he got up earlier, went to work earlier. He found himself wondering just how he was surviving on three hours sleep but shrugged it off. He was.

He waited.

"Replacing hard drugs and alcohol with obsessive cleaning and working ridiculously long hours." Laura had sighed when she had been in Ill Nosh for a coffee. He wondered how she knew but he looked down at his blistered and battered hands. "You can't hide from this forever."

He looked at her and shrugged.

"I'm not hiding."

He waited.

He caught his fingers in the Mandolin while splicing potatoes he didn't even notice until he saw the blood. He looked at his bleeding fingers as Barney ran around trying to find the first aid kit. It stung when the starch took hold. It was nice. Feeling something.

Lunch service got busier. He started working straight through. Preping for Tony when he wasn't running the tickets.

"You'll work yourself into the ground at this rate." Tony had commented but he had just shrugged and Tony had let it go pleased that it was going so well.

He started to worry a month later when Amy rang to say that she and Simon were taking the kids on a holiday for a few weeks and would he mind if they missed a visit. He had agreed. It seemed selfish to say no.

He cleaned and he waited.

Laura had caught up with him one morning, she had looked at him closely.

"Want to tell me?" She asked.

What was there to tell? He was living. He was living his life and he wasn't fucking it up.

He threw a glass against the flat wall one morning. He used to love destruction, hate the consequences but loved the act. Nothing.

He worried. He went to his dealer. He should hate himself, be disgusted that he was there again but he was worried and a hit usually did the trick.

Nothing. He felt the drugs in his system, felt their effects but he didn't feel anything. It was like it was happening to his body but it wasn't happening to him.

He went to a club. Physical contact had always made him feel something. Being in that club had always made him feel disgusted with himself knowing he was only there for one reason. He let a random fuck him. He felt the physical effects but he felt nothing. His dick didn't even stir when he let the bloke blow him. He had sighed as the bloke went on and on trying to get a reaction. He had pushed him off. Zipped himself up and walked out without looking back. He wondered if it was just that bloke so he looked for another. And another. Four fucks later and still nothing.

He went home, showered and walked straight into another 18 hour shift.

"Are you avoiding me?" Laura asked on morning, coffee in hand leaning on the counter to the side of the door. It was still early, he hadn't opened officially but she had walked in put her money next to the till and made herself a coffee.

"No. Just been busy." He sighed.

"Yeah I can see that from the bags under your eyes. I've given you space Ste. I've backed off because I thought you'd come to me when you were ready but now I'm asking. What happened?"

"Nothing. Like I said I've just been busy."

"I'm worried about you. You've lost weight and there wasn't much on you to start with. When was the last time you ate a meal?"

He frowned. He couldn't remember. He wasn't hungry so he had just been picking at work. Tasting as he had to but he couldn't actually remember eating a meal in… Weeks?

"You don't even know." She shook her head and sighed. "The cleaning, the long hours… Six weeks ago or so right. What happened?"

He shrugged.

"No, no you don't get to shrug at me about this because something happened. Something happened so what was it?"

"Nothing happened."

"Don't lie."

"I'm not lying."

He saw her bite her tongue. He grip on her coffee cup had her fingers turning white.

"I can't make you tell me. But something happened and when you're ready I'm still here. I'm here Ste and I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm fine, nothing happened."

"Denial really? After everything?"

"You'll be late for work." He looked pointedly at the clock.

"I'm here for you whenever you are ready to face whatever happened."

"Nothing happened."

"You don't go from a live wire with a temper to a zombie without something happening. I may look daft but I'm not stupid. Two months ago you wouldn't lie to me without getting angry about me catching it. So I know there's something." She took a deep breath. "Whenever you're ready." She waited a few minutes then sighed.

He waited.


	14. Chapter 14

Thank you for your continued support.

* * *

He was underwater. Drowning. Struggling. He couldn't breathe. He needed to breathe. He looked for the surface but he couldn't tell which way was up. The water was so murky. He couldn't breathe. His lungs were burning desperate for air. He opened his mouth and water rushed in.

He woke up panting. Panicking. He grasped the sheets trying to hold onto something. He could still feel the water in his mouth. He choked, gagged and ran to the bathroom. He threw up bile.

There was nothing in his stomach. He dry wretched and dry wretched as tears streaked down his cheeks. He gasped. It still felt like he was drowning. He dry wretched, choking. He couldn't catch his breath. His lungs burned. His vision tunnelled. He grasped. Held onto the toilet seat. He couldn't breathe. The realisation dawned. He was going to die. He couldn't breathe.

He came round on the floor. His chest screaming at him. His stomach muscles angry with him. He head throbbing. He looked across the floor as he embraced the simple act of breathing. He closed his eyes.

"Laura." He only had to say her name down the phone and she was on her way to the flat. He wasn't surprised his voice was wrecked. He sat on the sofa wrapped in his duvet. His chest still ached.

"Jesus Christ what happened?" She asked walking forward and checking him over. He looked a state he knew he did.

He picked up the letter and handed it to her.

"Can I?" She asked gesturing to the letter.

He nodded. There was no point in hiding it not when he needed her to help him deal with it.

He shivered as she read it. He looked at the far wall. He didn't want to see it. He didn't want to see her face as she read it.

"He sent it back?"

"Didn't read it just sent it back unopened." He confirmed.

"Oh Ste." She sighed. There was no pity in her tone which he was grateful for. He didn't want her feeling sorry for him.

"I just thought that was the end. That was my last act. That he'd read it and he'd know what I wanted but…" He shook his head. He felt… He felt exhausted. The realization. He could feel and god it hurt. It hurt like knocking the scab off a wound half healed only it was patching an artery. He felt like he was bleeding out. He tried to take a deep breath but his chest constricted and he found himself panicking.

"It's ok. Ste it's alright. Just calm down." She turned his face to her so he looked at her. "Just breathe Ste."

His breathing came back to him, gasping, he was sobbing. He hurt. Every part of him. Everything hurt.

He woke to find himself wrapped around Laura who was stroking his hair.

"I called Tony for you. I said you wouldn't be in today. It's already five." She said when she realised he was awake.

"I'm sick of this." He stated because he was. He was sick of it. Sick of hurting. "I'm sick of him doing this to me. I'm sick of letting him do this to me."

He sighed and closed his eyes. It was nice having her close, having someone to comfort him.

"How did not feeling anything work out for you?" She asked.

He snorted breath. She knew. Of course she had known. He shook his head. Why had he needed to keep it to himself?

"I know denial, I know depression and I know when someone is protecting themselves from something so bad that they think it's going to break them." She stated.

"It did." He sighed rubbing his face with his hands.

"No. It made a few cracks but it didn't break you."

He gave a bitter half laugh at the idea she didn't think he was broken. He had poured his heart out, thought that he was getting somewhere only to have it thrown back in his face.

"I'll heat you up some soup, you need to eat something and given that you haven't been eating properly I think we best start with something simple and bland."

He screwed his face up.

"I'm a chef you know. Seasoning is required."

"You're a chef who hasn't been eating properly." She replied and started going through his cupboards.

"Cupboard next to the sink." He sighed laying across the sofa.

He closed his eyes and just listened to the sound of her as she went about re-heating the can of soup. He felt exhausted. Drained. Like the plug had been pulled and all that was left was his wasting body racked with pain.

"Don't force yourself." She had stated. He sat himself up and gathered the bowl in his shaking hands needing both to keep it steady. She took it off his and walked back into the kitchen pouring the bowl into a cup and returning.

"Thanks." He tried to get his hands to stop shaking.

"It's exhaustion." She stated simply. "It'll fade when you're properly rested."

He sipped the soup and his stomach protested from his earlier rounds of vomiting. He ground his teeth.

"Don't force it." She repeated.

He ignored her and took a mouthful, he swallowed. His throat burned and he coughed which caused his stomach to rebel. He ran into the bathroom and threw up the soup. It took a few more dry wretches before he could get control of it. He put his head on his forearm across the toilet seat.

"Fucking hell." He muttered.

He turned to the doorway to see Laura leaning against the doorframe, arms folded across her chest.

"You say I told you so and I'll fucking slap you." He snapped and spat in the bowl before flushing.

"Never even cross my mind." She smiled.

"You're a terrible liar." He didn't have any energy to pick himself up but he found a hand offered which he took. She helped him get to his feet and back through into the living room. She sat next to him. He was grateful that the cup of soup was back in the kitchen.

"Why…?" He started but shook his head and sighed.

"The numbness?" She asked. He nodded.

"You had a shock, you thought that you had sorted everything out then bang. You didn't know how to deal with it so you shut down. You knew that it would be painful to go through the emotions that the return of your letter brought." He read rejection between the lines. Brendan had rejected his heart felt plea. "You didn't want to deal with it, you didn't want the pain so you shut down your emotions. You were trying to protect yourself."

"Couldn't even do that." He muttered bitterly.

"It's not about that. Those emotions can't stay locked down forever. You just can't do that. You can try, you can go insane trying or you can numb yourself when they return, turn to drugs or whatever to keep yourself numb but it all has to come out somewhere. You can bury them but they'll resurface sometime."

"I tried drugs to get me to feel again." He sighed. "I tried everything to get the feeling back."

"You weren't ready to process your feelings."

"Process." He shook his head. "Don't talk to me as a councillor, talk to me as my friend because we are aren't we?" She had stopped officially being his councillor after she had told him about Sean, saying that it wasn't a working relationship anymore. That she had shifted the balance of their relationship by telling him so much about herself. She said she was his friend if he wanted her and he did.

"Of course we're friends." She replied instantly. He needed the reassurance. He needed to know she was there. But she was right in front of him. She was there. He didn't know why he thought she wouldn't be. It was nice having someone reliable in his life. "You weren't ready to deal with it. You buried it deep because you knew how much it would hurt, you can't switch your feelings off and on because it suits you. However nice that would be."

He didn't even realise he had fallen asleep until he woke up. He still felt tired. He still ached.

"A few days, he's still sick… Yeah I know… He'll be fine with a bit of rest. I'll get him to ring you later. Bye Tony."

He startled awake when he caught up with who she was talking to.

"Don't worry I'm just lying to your business partner." Laura smiled. "As far as he's concerned you got hit with a stomach bug."

"I should go in." He tried to find the energy.

"No, you should go and have a shower while I make you some breakfast."

"Time is it?" He frowned, he couldn't get his bearings.

"Half ten." He couldn't get his brain to work. "I came over yesterday morning around nine, you slept till five in the afternoon, we had a chat and you feel asleep again soon after and now you're awake again and it's half ten. You're properly feeling pretty shit after such a long sleep." He did. "Yeah thought so. You'll get your sleep pattern back. You've just crashed after a sustained period of lack of sleep so you'll be all over for a while. Go on shower. I'm just going to buy some bread."

He let the water wash over him. His back was aching from sleeping on the sofa but then he could hardly expect Laura to carry him into his bedroom. Although she possibly could have if she wanted. He shook his head and got himself clean.

He looked in the mirror. What a mess. He was pale with heavy bags under his eyes. His ribs were more prominent, he wondered how he had missed the weight loss although he couldn't remember even looking at himself, even having time to look at himself while he had been… Numb.

He put on a set of track suit bottoms and a jumper since it was obvious he wasn't going anywhere.

She was back by the time he dragged himself to the kitchen.

"Dry toast?" He gave her a dirty look.

"Think you can handle a bacon sandwich."

"I'd try." His stomach didn't think so.

"Well keep that down and maybe for lunch."

"I'm not a kid." He grumbled.

"Thank fuck." She gave him a grin. He smiled a little in return.

He wondered when a slice of dry toast had become a challenge. He sighed and began to take small bites.

Even eating was tiring.

"You'll need to eat little and often to get used to proper meals again. And you'll need to drink lots of water."

He rolled his eyes at her.

"Don't even bother. You've run yourself into the ground, you're going to have to build yourself back up. I've got to pop into to work for an hour."

"Giving some other poor bastard a grilling?"

"Something like that. Do you want me to come straight back here or do you want some space?"

He didn't want to be alone in the flat. But she had already done too much. She had already stayed one night. He wasn't a baby. He could cope alone despite the fact he hated it. It wasn't the solitude it was being in a place with so many memories that could haunt him.

Indecision cost him.

"I'll be back around four." She said before walking out before he could even argue.

He sat at the table and let his head rest on his arms. Sighing he washed his plate and put it back. He cleaned a couple of the surfaces.

He turned back to the living room.

There it was, sat on the coffee table. His heart and soul laid bare on a piece of A4 paper. He sighed and rubbed his face.

What the fuck had he done to deserve this?

He'd paid his penance for Amy although he knew that he would be living that penance for the rest of his life.

He'd paid for his stupidity as a youngster going to young offenders.

He'd paid for his mother's drinking and Terry's temper in flesh, broken bones and heart ache and all the things that lead to.

He'd paid for marrying the wrong man in breaking promises to his kids.

He was paying for loving the right man now.

He walked over, wrapped himself up in the duvet and lay back down on the sofa facing the letter.

It wasn't a secret. Laura had read it. It was meant for Brendan but he hadn't even bothered to read it.

He stared at it wondering if he started long enough if it was just suddenly disappear from the table and reappear in Brendan's hands at least then he would know that he had read it. That he knew what he wanted, he what he had to do, he that he loved him, knew that he couldn't be this person anymore.

He couldn't control it. He couldn't control what Brendan read or didn't read. He couldn't make him let him visit and he couldn't make him love him as much as he loved Brendan.

He couldn't slide backwards because Brendan was punishing him for loving him. He couldn't keep getting his heart broken, not like this.

He couldn't destroy himself because he had been down that path and had never managed to finish the job.

He didn't even want to. He was done with it. He had made a life, was living a life and it was time that he accepted that what he had would have to be enough.

He needed it to end. He needed it to stop. It had to stop. He had to accept that Brendan wasn't going to help him with his guilt. He was going to have to deal with it.

He was guilty, he felt guilty but there was no way that he could live the rest of his life like this. He had wrote he was legging go and now he was going to have to without Brendan's permission. He was going to have to take control and deal with the consequences, if there were any. If Brendan ever walked back into his life.

He had to do it. No choice because he couldn't keep existing, he had to live.

He picked up the letter and walked through to his bedroom. He knew he had to do it. He pulled the box from the top of the wardrobe.

Brendan's box. Everything he had left of him in a box. He had to get rid of it.

He opened it. Every letter returned. Every visitor request rejected. His leather jacket. His aftershave. All the clothes the police hadn't taken. All the pictures of them together. He sat on the bed. The weight was too much. He needed to… He couldn't. He had to… He stared at the box.

He had to let go and it wasn't the same as letting go… It felt the same now, sat looking at the box. It felt like goodbye.


	15. Chapter 15

Thank you for you reviews and for reading and for sticking with me.

The chapter I was going to put here is written but it feels too stark a contrast to the last. I think it leaves too big of a gap.

So I wasn't going to put this in but I think it's needed… Let's see what you think.

(For reference I am editing chapters after I post because it seems like I only pick up the mistakes after I've already published.)

Again this story is rated M for a reason. M/M sex.

* * *

He stared at the box. He was so tired. So sick of it. Love, it had made him and it had broken him.

He had to get rid of it. Knew that it was the only thing he could do. He had to say goodbye if he wanted to live his life.

He didn't know why but he had to open it. Had to have one last look. Say a proper goodbye.

He reached in and pulled out the leather jacket. He loved Brendan in that Jacket. He always wore it with Jeans. Fucking hot. Even now in his mind eye he could see him clearly. His memory may not be clear on all things but Brendan was crystal clear. He could remember every line, every inch of him as though he was right in front of him.

He lifted the jacket to his nose and took a long inhale through his nose. It had faded, Brendan's smell. It smelt more like him than Brendan now. He blames himself for taking it out so often during the first few weeks when Brendan had been gone. He had needed something. Something to hold onto. Something that could offer even the tiniest bit of comfort.

He reached in and pulled out the bottle of aftershave taking the lid off.

He sighed heavily.

It wasn't the same. It was right but so wrong at the same time. It smelt like Brendan but it was missing Brendan's own scent. The musk, the whiskey. Him. Just him. His smell mixed with all those other things made his scent. Made the smell that he just couldn't get right.

He remembered the smell of him just after he had come back from a run. There was something so masculine. And Christ it turned him on. He had pounced on him more than once when he was still sweating, when he could feel his sweat rubbing off on his skin covering him until he smelt of him, never showered with Brendan just got dressed and carried it with him all day. That need to belong to him. To just need him. To be close to him, closer, as close as possible and it hadn't been enough. The need only grew.

Even when Brendan was wrapped around him, buried deep inside him, pounding him with his arm wrapped around his chest, talented fingers rolling over his nipples, pawing him. Like Brendan was trying to get as close as Ste wanted him. Kissing over his shoulder, sloppy and wet, tongues making more contact than their lips.

He ached for him. Still after all this time he ached for him like he had the first time, more so because then he hadn't known what it could be like and it only ever got better.

He kicked the box, it barely moved he didn't have the energy anymore. He pulled the jacket closer to him, folding him arms around it.

"You bastard." He muttered into the collar.

He wasn't angry at him anymore. No, he felt it rising. It was just deeper. Like it was under a layer of ice. He was on the surface and the anger was beneath the ice and he had to crack the ice to feel it. He had to search for it, now. It had never been like that before. It had always been within reach. Always right beside him. Snap and it was right there when he needed it but now it was just so far away.

He was tired. Drained and heart sick.

He should put the jacket back in the box. Seal it up. And chuck it in the bin. Say goodbye… Good riddance…

He sighed and lay back on the bed and pulled the jacket over himself.

He remembered vividly lying in the same bed one Tuesday morning head on Brendan's chest panting as fingers trailed up and down his spine as they both recovered.

He remembered he had already dropped the kids off at school and nursery. Brendan had been on the late shift at the club and was asleep when he left, he had been careful to slip out from under Brendan's grasp. He had woken to Brendan spooning him, hot breath on his neck, arm around his waist and the other on his thigh. He had wanted to stay like that but the kids needed to go to lessons. So he had very carefully extracted himself, laughing as Brendan muttered, kissed his neck and pulled him tighter but he had managed to get out.

When he had gotten back Brendan had been on his back still asleep. He had looked so beautiful, he snorted to himself and pulled the jacket tighter. Beautiful. Brendan. He was though. Fucking amazing. He could still see it. Duvet half on half off, on leg un-covered, most of his chest on display. And he had loved him so fucking much in that moment that he had forgotten to breath. Just stared, transfixed.

Then Brendan had stirred, opened his eyes, and yawned a little. And raised an eyebrow at him. Tossed the duvet to the side, unveiling himself.

"Morning glory Steven, do something about it?"

He had teased Brendan for a bit. He was always going to give in it was just a matter of who gave in first. It had been a game. He had slowly stripped out of his shirt. Brendan's eyes had been on him. He had loved that. Nothing made him feel more powerful. He had rubbed his hands over his chest and watched as Brendan followed his every move, then licked his lips. Brendan had taken his own dick in hand and started slowly moving his hand up and down. He had felt like he was on top of the world. He left his trousers on, just undoing his belt and his top button before crawling very slowly up the bed until he had been level with Brendan's dick. He had watched him, deliberately licked his lips while looking directly in Brendan's eyes. He had blown on the head getting ever closer. Brendan's hand had stopped moving, just gripped the base. He had opened his mouth a little, let his tongue pass his lips, and made a licking motion so close he almost touched.

"Steven…" He could hear the growl now, clear as a bell.

He had dropped his head a little lower, breathing hot air onto the shaft, made his way back up just as slowly until he had reached the head again. He looked deep into Brendan's eyes, opened his mouth as though he was going to put it in his mouth. He had been so careful not to touch. He had stuck his tongue out again, got close enough to taste but still hadn't touched. He had had Brendan transfixed. He had smiled to himself, but kept it inside. He had known he was going to win.

He had pulled back ever so slightly. Put on his best smile.

"Breakfast?" He had jumped off the bed and made it to the door before Brendan had caught him.

"You fucking tease." His breath had been hot against his ear. Brendan had pulled his trousers down and off before turning him, pushing him hard against the wall. Didn't even show any effort when he grabbed his thighs and lifted him up like he weighed nothing. He had gripped Brendan's hips with his legs and he turned them and lowered them to the mattress.

"Going to fucking get it now, boy. You ready?" Brendan had growled onto his lips.

He had always been ready. Always wanted it. Always took whatever he was offered and more. Always wanted him.

Will always want him.

Shouldn't even deny it. He shouldn't even try. He knew it. Under it all, under the grief, the pain, the fear and the desperation he knew whatever he did, Brendan would always been there. He knew he'd never be over him. Who was he even trying to kid? Himself? Again? He'd been there done that plenty.

Pretended. Lied. But Brendan was always there, on the inside. Would always be there.

The rest of his life. Brendan Brady had carved his name on his heart. It was there, scarred in the tissue. Property of Brendan Seamus Brady of North Dublin.

The rest of his life. He took a deep breath, the remaining smell of the jacket, the aftershave… He had to find a way to live with it.

Because he couldn't say goodbye. He could take the box, the jacket, everything, outside and burn it but it wouldn't be over. The scar was there.

He knew it, always had just hadn't wanted to accept it. But now he was ready, now he accepted it.

If that was all he had left of Brendan, all he'd ever have until the end of his life, a scar then he'd take it and he'd live with it because he had no choice. He wanted to live his life.

Brendan could get over him. Get realised from prison and never come and get him. But he'd never stop loving him, could never stop.

They could never see each other again, he could be in relationships with other people, live his life. Be happy. Enjoy himself. But he'd never be over him.

He wasn't betraying him. He knew now. Could accept it.

There was no point in waiting for him. No point in putting his life on hold because if it was meant to be it would be. If not they had what they had. It would never be enough but he was grateful for it.

It was a weight from his shoulders. A relief. Lying in bed wrapped in Brendan's leather jacket knowing that he couldn't betray him because no one else could own his heart.

"You bastard." He smiled.


	16. Chapter 16

Thank you for the reviews. It really helps with my confidence and helps me to keep writing.

I've edited this chapter so that it fits with what I decided to add in which is why it's taken a while for me to post it.

I've got this story in sections in my head and this is section 2 and it is also the major section I was going to skip over mainly because I'm not sure how this will go down with you and I'm a bit nervous about making this a section of its own but I decided the long way…

Slow burner… There is still, even after all that, a long way to go.

I really want to tell you where this is going but I don't want to spoil the journey. And well if I tell you then there's no need for you to keep reading.

* * *

He was free, he had freed himself. He could move on without fear of betraying Brendan. He could take comfort in another without eating himself alive with guilt because he knew without doubt that his heart was safe.

Another fear kicked in. Fear that no one would want him. Not his body, but him. He wasn't exactly a catch. He wasn't easy, knew that he was a difficult person. Knew his past wasn't easy for someone to take. He wondered how Doug had put up with him. Amy hadn't. Doug had actually married him. Had wanted to spend the rest of his life with him.

He wouldn't take anyone, but who could he get? What was he worth? Was he worth someone to make him happy after everything he had done?

Then there was the risk. The risk of getting hurt again. He still felt fragile. Fresh, cleared for guilt but he was still hurting and he wasn't sure he could take any more pain right now. He wasn't ready for another hit.

He was lonely but he was hurt and he didn't want to be hurt. He wanted someone in his life…

He could admit that he knew Dylan would be a bad choice the second he had seen him. And if he started knowing he would be a bad choice then it was only ever going to be one. He claimed that he didn't know what he had been thinking but he had known exactly what he had been doing. He couldn't get hurt when he knew at the start it wasn't going to work out.

He knew men like Dylan. Knew what they were like.

Dylan was beautiful. Absolutely stunning. Green eyes. Black hair. The spray tan seemed a bit much but he had shrugged it off. Body of a model. Confident bordering arrogant. He knew he looked good and it had been his confidence that Ste had latched on to. He was attracted to confident men.

They'd found each other on the dance floor of one of the nicer clubs he went to. They'd danced all night. Dylan had sucked him off in an alley while they waited for a taxi. They'd gone back to Dylan's and fucked.

Dylan had wanted him and he wanted to be wanted.

He had lost himself in the sensation. To know someone wanted him, just his body for the time begin but it was a start, something to work with.

He was back. He was enjoying sex again. It wasn't earth shattering but he had to lower his standards. He knew sex wasn't going to be like it was with Brendan and a part of him rejoiced in that. Another part of him was annoyed.

He liked being out with Dylan. The jealous looks he received. Dylan received a few too but he ignored them focusing instead on the man he was with.

He knew better, he just wasn't listening to himself. He wanted to prove to himself that he could move on without the risk of getting hurt. But he didn't admit what he was doing instead he just enjoyed being with someone again.

A month in and they were going on dates once a week.

A month and two days in and he had found Dylan taking it hard against his kitchen bench, as he walked in to ask if he'd left his phone the previous night, off a bloke three times his size with a beer belly and tattoos all over his torso.

"We weren't serious. We were just fucking about." Dylan had stuttered, the bloke still inside. "Why are you upset?"

He wondered the same thing on his way back to the flat and realised that actually he didn't give a fuck and had only mouthed off because… well it was instinct. Catching someone he was fucking, getting fucked by someone else… He actually didn't give a fuck. It didn't hurt just like he knew it wouldn't.

Mark less confident. Shy, quiet. Pretty though and kind. But he was clingy and didn't seem to realise that Ste wasn't interested in anything serious. Just a bit of fun with someone and that someone was Mark that time. He had been a nightmare to get rid of him and had been forced to be very nasty to get his message across. It worked though.

Tom, Tom had been a waster but good in bed. They had made it through two weeks before his lazy ways had made Ste realise he couldn't be bother with a bloke like that.

"A player, a nut job and a waster." Laura. She knew what he was doing, he knew what he was doing but that didn't make him stop.

"You've got to kiss a lot of frogs…" He tried to defend his choices.

She hadn't even replied.

Ben was his personal 'fuck you' to Laura. He could go out with someone decent. Good job, steady personality… He was so fucking boring that he had actually nodded off while they were fucking. That had never happened to him before but it had happened to Ben apparently.

Laura had cracked up despite herself when he told her.

Harry was a knob but fit. Gary was a pratt but loaded and Johnno well he had been fit and funny but a control freak.

"You're coming out with me tonight." He demanded. He wanted a night out and he had a feeling that Laura would be a laugh to go out with. He just wanted some company on a night out. And she would be a great excuse to get rid of unwanted attention, he didn't want attention. He just wanted a good night out.

"Excuse me."

"Well I need someone to sort the wheat from the chaff and you're good at reading people."

"I am not going to sit in a gay bar like some fucking fag hag to pick out toys for you to play with."

Toys. She defiantly knew and that was the closet she had come to calling him on it.

He pouted at her. He wanted a night out and he was confident he could persuade her. He just needed to find the right tactic.

"You are not five years old."

"Please."

"No."

"Please. I'll cook you dinner every night for free for a week."

"Bribery? Really? No."

"Please Laura or I'll just end up with another tosser."

He was only finding tosser's because that was what he was looking for.

"Guilt tripping me now. You haven't tried flattery."

He pouted at her again and gave his best puppy eyes at her.

She snorted a laugh and smiled. "Alright fine."

They stood at the bar. The music was pounding. Laura was actually very pretty when she put some effort in even he could admit that.

They downed a few shots. Danced for a while then returned to the bar.

Another few shots and they headed up the second level with bottles in hand. Upstairs gave the best view of the dance floor.

"Come on then." She stated.

He pointed out blokes that had caught his eye to see what she made of them.

"Taken. Married. Player. Out spending Daddy's cash."

"You don't know that." He protested.

"The wedge of cash in his back pocket. No one is stupid enough to keep that much money in their back pocket in a club not if it's their own. So it's not his. It could be mummy's cash but I'm guessing and a man that age, given the men he's checking out. They're all over 35. He's got Daddy issues. His Dad hasn't been around much and now he's looking for someone to fill that role. His Dad feels guilty for not being around so gives him cash in compensation but the fact that he's not bothered about getting robbed suggests that he would rather have his father in his life than the money."

"Bollocks." Although it was a good story. "You don't know that."

"No but go and speak to him. I bet I'm not far off." She replied confidently, gesturing for him to go and see the man in question. "It's just gut instinct and experience that tailors the guess. Go on."

"I'm not going to chat him up just to prove you wrong."

"You're just scared I'm right."

He huffed.

"What if it's his boyfriend's money and he doesn't care if he loses it because they had a fight and he's checking out other men to make him jealous?" He wondered.

"Because there's no anger in his flirtations. He's looking to entice and he's being picky. He wouldn't be picky if it was revenge on his mind."

"Suppose." He was half tempted to go and ask now. "Virgin." He pointed out a young man by the bar, eyes full of wide eyed wonder, checking out every bloke but looking away if they paid attention. He had been a little worried about voicing his assertions but Laura had made it clear there was no right or wrong answer.

"Experimenting."

"Player." He could pick them easily from their view point.

"In the closet and never coming out." He frowned at that. "Look at his body language. Those are his mates who have come in here to have a laugh, they're straight, he's trying to laugh at their jokes and fit with them but every now and again he looks at the podium dancer just a little too long to be faking interest."

"What about him?" He asked about a red haired bloke standing with his back to the wall looking around the dance floor.

"Control freak."

"Taken." That one was obvious since he was pointing to a bloke with his hands down the back of another's jeans.

"Likes women's underwear."

"How do you know that?" He asked.

"I can see his thong and I have one exactly the same."

"Errrr. I didn't need to know that. Drug dealer." He had seen the bloke working the club before.

"Commitment freak."

"Taken." He smiled. She rolled her eyes at him when he pointed out another couple.

"See I knew you were just as good as me at this." She knew he could read people. He had learnt many lessons over the years and his dealings with people. If she ever needed more confirmation he was looking for the wrong bloke and he knew he was then he had just given it.

"Complicated." She stated. He looked at who he was pointing at. Shit. Jamie. And he had seen them.

"Fuck."

"About sums it up." Laura agreed.

He squirmed at little under his skin as Jamie made his way up to them. He hadn't really talked to him apart from the casual 'hi and bye' and a bit about work in months.

"Didn't think I'd see you in a place like this." He said eyes fixed on Laura.

"Fag hag at heart always have been. There's just something about being in a club of beautifully toned men groping each other, which fires my desire to turn one of them." She stated dead pan.

He choked on his beer a little hiding it was a cough. He knew she was joking, he just hadn't expected her to say that.

"Okay." Jamie frowned at her.

"It's a complex I just can't help it. Besides it's like free porn. I mean look at that." She pointed to a couple who were just about having sex fully clothed in the middle of the dance floor. Tongue down each other's throats and hands in places they shouldn't be, at least not in public. "Jesus what I wouldn't give to be in the middle of that."

He turned around and tried to stop laughing.

"Er…" Jamie stammered and he couldn't contain it any longer he burst out laughing.

"You're joking." Jamie stated, sighing. "You had me."

"I wish sweetheart." She winked at Jamie and gave him a saucy look which just seemed to freak him out more.

"Behave you." He reprimanded but he couldn't keep the smile from his face.

"Sorry, just giddy." Laura stated. "Few too many you know how it is."

"Yeah." He still didn't look too sure.

An awkward silence followed. Jamie was looking at him and he was looking Laura to dig him out of a hole.

"We were just going to hit another club." He stated when it was clear that she wasn't going to bail him out.

"Anywhere good?" Jamie asked.

He really should have thought it through because now he had gone blank.

"Cobra." Laura saved him this time. He frowned. No one got into Cobra without being on the guest list. "You can come if you want."

"My name's not on the list." Of course it wasn't. Theirs weren't either. He wondered what she was playing at.

"Doesn't matter. I can get you in, if you want."

"Yeah ok this place was giving me a headache anyway."

They started walking towards the door.

"What the fuck?" He whispered harshly in her ear. "It's a week in advance to get on that list." He hadn't bothered trying it wasn't his type of place but enough people had told him.

She shrugged.

"You know we're going to get kicked to the curb by the bouncers." He continued as they retrieved their coats and waited on the step as Jamie got his.

Laura took his arm as she tottered slightly on her heels. Jamie took her arm at the other side.

"Good night so far?" Jamie asked.

"Yeah not bad. Good fun analysing cannon fodder." Laura replied.

"Cannon fodder?"

"Don't ask." He said.

It was still relatively early even though the bells were tolling for midnight as they walked.

"Let go of my arms, stay behind me and don't smile at the bouncer's right. Whatever gets said you don't hear." Laura was suddenly serious as they approached the corner before Cobra came into view.

He watched as he took a deep breath. Closed her eyes for a few seconds, slide sideways a little before he touched her arm to get her to straighten up. She had more than enough to drink but when she opened her eyes it was like she was sober. She stood up straighter and walked around the corner like she owned the town.

The bouncers were huge. Six foot tall and they looked six foot wide. Sun glasses on even in the dead of night. Ear pieces in. The queue was massive, in fact it went behind the building. It was a cold night and the breath of those waiting was steaming up from them.

He moved closer to Jamie as they approached and tried to keep himself calm. These were the kind of men who would take serious offence to any chancers.

"Good evening gentlemen." Laura stated cool as anything.

"Name." The one with the clip board stated.

"My name isn't on the list neither are my friends but if you would very kindly call Mr Arthur and tell him Miss Ellington is here I'm sure he will let us in."

The bouncer looked sceptical but turned away and did as he was told.

"Wait here please." He stated.

"Of course." Laura smiled and stood patiently. He followed suit. Jamie gave him a look but he shrugged.

A tall man in an expensive beautifully tailored suit came into view. He moved his blond hair out of his face. He took one look at them or more to the point Laura and his entire face lit up.

"Laura." He smiled and pulled her into a hug.

"Callum. Been too long."

"Defiantly. I had to come and check it was you. You know the boss." He smiled apologetically. "Come on. These three are fine."

He gave the bouncers a smile as he passed wondering how he had just managed to get into one of the most exclusive clubs around.

He followed Laura and this Callum bloke as they turned off the main stairs and through a door onto another set of stairs. Jamie looked as freaked out as him.

They emerged into a white room. Music pumping but at a more comfortable level. The dance floor to the side was filled with people all dressed immaculately. He looked at his own version of well-dressed and flinched. He was out of his league.

He looked around the room more closely. There were lines of cocaine on some of the tables. Men with women all over them drinking cocktails and taking hits.

He felt like he had fallen down the rabbit hole.

He followed through instinct.

"Christ." He heard Jamie mutter next to him.

"Anya." Callum addressed the bar maid. "Miss Ellington and her guests are to be extended every courtesy." The bar maid nodded. "Drinks are on the house for you." He stated. "I will clear a table for you."

"There's no need." Laura protested. "We're here for a few drinks and a bit of dancing."

"I must get back but I'd love to catch up later." Callum stated. "It's so good to see you again." He beamed at Laura then nodded to Ste and Jamie.

"What the fuck?" He whispered harshly in her ear once Callum was out of ear shot and Jamie was busy looking around in wonder.

"I told you about my Dad, well his name, my name open's doors if I want it to." She stated it as a fact. He realised that she wasn't ashamed of her name. She wasn't ashamed of her father or what he did, not in the way he thought she was.

"I thought you'd left that world behind?"

"I said I walked away because I couldn't have Sean and keep that world, it's not the same thing."

"So if you hadn't met Sean you'd still be in this world?" He had to ask.

"I can't answer that because I did meet Sean and I did walk away." She replied, ice cold. He knew she had a rod of steel running through her but he had never seen it so clearly. She didn't allow herself to think about if's and maybe's because that wasn't her life.

"And who's he?" He gestured towards Callum.

"Callum Taylor, I've known him a long time." He read it on her face.

"You and him?"

"Before Sean." She replied.

"This place is unreal." Jamie said breaking them up.

"What can I get you?" Anya smiled sweetly at them.

"Three house special cocktails please." Laura replied ordering for them and given the selection of drinks on offer he was grateful.

Their drinks arrived quickly.

"These are like rocket fuel." Laura cautioned.

It nearly blew his head off with his first sip. It was nice but he knew he couldn't drink more than one without being completely wasted.

"So I haven't seen you around much. I mean other than at work." Jamie said conversationally.

He could help but tense. The last time he had seen Jamie outside of work he had slammed his door in his face. The fact he was even speaking to him, had given up his night to join him and Laura was beyond him. He didn't want to know why though. He had been having a laugh now he was standing in the poshiest night club he had ever been in with a bloke he at least owed an apology to for not caring if his door smashed his face in.

"Been busy." He replied taking another sip of his drink.

"How's Johnno?" Jamie asked. There was something there than he didn't want to read.

"Don't know." He made sure that his tone said 'don't care'.

"I thought you two were going out." Again a flash of something.

"We were." He shrugged.

"And now you're not."

"No. Look I just want a nice night out. I don't want an argument and I don't want to dredge through anything so can we please not talk about anyone… Come on let's just dance." He dragged Laura with them to the dance floor.

The DJ was mixing like crazy and it was the best set he had heard in a long time. They danced all together until Callum made a reappearance and stole Laura to himself. His suit jacket had disappeared and they were dancing like lovers. She kept rolling her eyes and shaking her head at things Callum was saying in her ear but he could tell from the smile on her face that she was enjoying the attention.

He found Jamie closer. He moved closer. He could blame to drink, or the music or anything but he was just enjoying dancing with him. The songs were sexy and he found himself grinding to the beat.

"Not going to freak out if I kiss you this time?" Jamie breathed into his ear.

He shook his head and Jamie closed the gap. He was tentative at first, unsure then Ste deepened the kiss to reassure him that it was ok, he wasn't going to push him away or kick off. They separated at the same time and continued dancing, occasionally stealing kisses from each other.

"Alright Romeo and… Romeo time to go." Laura said breaking them up.

"It's only…"

"Closing time." She stated.

The club was nearly empty.

"Time is it?"

"Nearly 4." Laura replied.

"I've got to be in work at 6." Ste moaned and rested his head against Jamie's chest. Enjoying the feel of Jamie's arms around his waist. It was nice to be held again.

"Come on. We'll dose you with coffee and you'll be fine." Jamie said kissing the top of his head.

* * *

"You look better than I feel." Laura moaned dropping her head onto the counter.

"Yeah well you haven't been working since 6." He snapped at her. His head was pounding. He was sure he had been half cut until an hour before.

Tony brought her a coffee and placed it next to her.

"Big night out was it?"

"Too big for a school night." Laura groaned. "You said Leah had a project she wanted me to help her with that was this weekend wasn't it?"

"Can't hack the pace." Jamie stated leaning against the counter. Ste looked up and at the clock. Usual time.

"Fuck off." Laura replied not even bothering to lift her head.

"Wow." Jamie mouthed to him. Ste rolled his eyes.

"Amy is dropping them off tomorrow night so Saturday will be the best day." He said picking up the conversation.

"You're kids?" Jamie asked. Ste nodded.

"Leah said it was all about buildings but I'm sure she'll inform you." He stated. "You've got a digital camera." She nodded to confirm what they had talked about a week ago when Amy had mentioned about Leah's project.

"Time?" She lifted her head and took a mouthful of coffee.

"Around 9. I don't even know why you're so hung over you were as good as sober when we got out the taxi."

"I was still pissed then. I made the mistake of going to sleep. I had to beg my boss to take my group session this morning because walking into an AA meeting hung over really wasn't going to go down well."

"How'd he take it?" He hadn't thought about Laura's work although she hadn't mentioned.

"Alright. It's not like I make a habit out of it." Laura shrugged. "Right 9 Saturday." He nodded.

"See you later."

She raised her coffee at Tony on the way out.

"What time do you finish?" Jamie asked.

"I'm working through." He sighed. And he really didn't want to but there had been a last minute rush on table for the evening and he had to do the prep because otherwise evening service would be a nightmare.

"Break time?"

"I'm taking an hour at some point." He shrugged. He didn't want to talk to Jamie, he knew that the conversation would be awkward and he was too busy trying to make it through the day for any meaningful conversation, or any conversation really.

"When's you next night off?"

"Friday but my kids are coming so I'm not exactly free."

"Look…" He took a deep breath and Ste tensed, he was pretty sure he knew what was coming. "I like you okay, I really like you but you already know that… Last night…" He bit his lip. "Can we please talk about this?"

"Talk about what?" He looked around but no one was within earshot and no one was paying attention and Jamie was keeping his voice down. He really didn't want to have this conversation at work. However Jamie wasn't going anywhere he could tell and he was going to say his piece so it was easier to let him.

"Talk about the fact that last night you seemed into me too and I just want to know where I stand, that's it alright." He paused. He looked nervous but then he took a breath and it disappeared. "Where do I stand with you? Am I even your friend? Because you've barely talked to me since slamming the door in my face but last night… I'm not going to lie alright I enjoyed it. I liked you being close to me… I want to go out with you, go out on a proper date but I don't know where we are."

He closed his eyes for a second. He actually liked Jamie, he was good looking, he wasn't an idiot, or a waster, he was a decent hardworking man. Everything he could want but wasn't looking for right now. He wasn't looking for someone he actually liked, he was just looking for someone.

He was moving forward but the idea of being someone that he liked that was different… That could hurt in the future but it wouldn't cripple him, he knew he didn't have to fear that because his heart belonged to someone else…

Life is short. The saying ran through his head. Could he turn his back on someone he liked? Should he? If he didn't what if no one else came along? What if this was a chance for something good? What if no one else would ever want him again?

Jamie knew what he was like, had seen it, had been on the receiving end and was still asking him out. It wasn't just about his body.

"If you asked I would go on a date with you."

"So I'm asking."

He took a deep breath.

"Yes."


	17. Chapter 17

Thank you for your wonderful continued support.

* * *

Saturday passed in a flash, literally. Leah had taken pictures of everything in sight, even managed to fill a brand new memory card which he had bought so that she could keep them without any hassle of having to email them or copy them so she could work on them at school with the computer software which was apparently incredibly important. Laura had helped Leah with her project all day while he had spent a lot of time with Lucas playing video games and football as well as helping him with his spelling homework. It was nice to have some father-son time while Leah was busy.

On Sunday they had baked fairy cakes and eaten them in the park as part of a picnic. When the weather turned for the worse they finished the picnic on the flat living room floor. Leah had asked him to show her how to make chocolate brownies so she could take them home with Amy.

A lot of mess and chocolate covered faces later they had two trays. One which they ate for their dinner. He didn't care how unhealthy it was it was just nice to cook with his children. Although Lucas' was more interested in his video game because he had cooked in the morning, he had contributed by stirring the mix and that was only because he had wanted to lick the bowl clean.

Amy got stuck in traffic on the way to pick them up so he had time to sit down and watch a film with them. His kids on his sofa either side of him. He hadn't been that happy in months.

He worked his customary two days straight through to make up for his weekend off.

"So I was thinking." Jamie said leaning against the counter.

"Sounds dangerous." He replied.

"How would you feel about going for coffee after you finish? I handed Paul a Jaguar to tune up so I'm free if you have time?"

He knew this was coming. He could see it written all over Jamie's face that he was trying to be casual when really he was nervous because he wanted to talk about stuff and he knew that Ste didn't want to.

"This our date?"

"No." He sounded offended at the suggestion which pleased Ste because he knew that Jamie was going to make an effort for him and their date. "Just coffee." Just coffee. And a chat. It was hanging in the air left unsaid.

"I'll be finished at 4." May as well get it over with was all he could think.

He had planned to be finished at four. He had been almost ready to leave but Tony had decided that they should discuss the specials board for the following week so they could get the ordering sorted out.

"Hey." Jamie stated shocking Ste as he focused on trying to balance the board between meat and fish and vegetarian.

"Sorry I forgot to text." He said. "I'm just finishing up."

"Don't worry about it." Jamie shrugged it off. "I'll wait." He walked up to the counter and picked up a newspaper asking for a cup of tea, both in hand he went and sat down at the table by the door.

"How's it coming?" Tony sat down opposite him.

"We need another seafood dish. I was thinking we could do a muscles in white wine… I know the price is high but it is a specials board." Tony always worried about the price both to the business and to the customer. "Or we could do fish pie although it's a bit heavy for this time of year. We could tweak it a bit make it lighter… Lose some of the mash but then we've got to use more seafood and that pushes up the price again but if we use the lower price fish in higher volume then it should still work. There was a clam recipe I was going to work on but I don't know if I can get it perfected by next week."

"There all good ideas but we need a decision. Any of those would sell well. I'd go for fish pie because we can pre-prepare them and it would take the pressure off. We should work on it tomorrow... I take it Jamie's waiting for you."

"Yeah... Yeah. Can you pick up some Pollock, Haddock from the fish mongers? Are we going to put prawns in because they might over cook unless we put them on the top for presentation?"

"We'll worry about that tomorrow and I will pick up everything we need. Now go."

"See you tomorrow." He went to pick up the paper work but Tony stopped him.

"Go on. You should have been out of here half an hour ago."

He looked up at the clock, he hadn't realised he was that late. He quickly changed in the back room dumping his whites in the washing pile and pulling on his jean's and t-shirt.

"Sorry." He tried to get a few creases out of his t-shirt but it had been in a ball most of the day and it wasn't cooperating. Although Jamie had oil stained t-shirt and jeans on so he didn't feel too much of a scruff.

"It's fine. Too early for a beer?"

"I thought we were going for a coffee?"

"We can if you like I just thought we could go to the Dog and sit out in the sun."

"The Dog then." Now that Jamie had mentioned beer he wanted one.

It was a beautiful day. A touch too hot to be comfortable but he was enjoying feeling the heat soak into his skin.

"How's Paul getting on with the Jag?" He asked because if there was going to be a talk he wanted to put it off as long as he could.

"Good. He's a bit of a find really. I thought he'd lied on his CV but he didn't. He's been brilliant since he started wouldn't be surprised if he came in one day and said he was going to set up for himself."

When they got to the Dog he stayed outside while Jamie went for their drinks. He sat back in his seat letting his eyes close. Now he was sat outside in the warmth of the sun's gaze he just wanted to go to the park, lie on the grass and sunbath.

"Here you go." Jamie placed the beer in front of him.

He couldn't be bothered to hide all of a sudden. If Jamie wanted a conversation about what had happened then he should just make it happen then they could go their separate ways before they got any further.

"So?"

"So?" Jamie frowned at him.

"So you asked me for a beer?"

"Ah. This is a bit awkward." No shit was all he could think. "I asked you on a date…" Here it comes. "But then I realised that I didn't know what you'd want to do so I thought I'd just ask because I was going to take you for a meal but with you working with food all day I didn't know if you'd want to."

He caught himself before he could look too shocked. He thought this would be about… That wasn't what Jamie wanted to talk about. He wasn't sure to be relieved or annoyed.

"A meal's fine."

"I'm not into paying ridiculous money for a few bits on a plate so how about an Indian?" He didn't know why Jamie assumed that he would want flash food although it would have been nice to be spoilt. He didn't need to be though. It was possibly better not to be going to a pricey restaurant he knew he would have spent most of the night in work mode trying to work out how to incorporate the idea's into Ill Nosh's menu.

"Sounds good."

They talked about their respective weekends for a while. Ste and his kids. Jamie and a big refurbishment of an engine.

It was nice chatting away in the sunshine but he couldn't take it anymore. There was a layer of tension and it wouldn't go away until one of them brought it up so he decided it should be him.

"I'm sorry."

"What for?" Jamie frowned at him.

"For slamming the door in your face."

Jamie nodded, took a sip of his beer.

"I said things I didn't have any right to…" He paused and looked up. "He broke your heart didn't he?"

"Yeah…" Long and short of it. Always. Brendan always broke his heart and he still always loved him. He struggled to find the words. Struggled to think of how to tell Jamie about Brendan without it all getting twisted.

"It's alright you don't have to tell me." He sat back.

He read between the lines. He had to tell him something… Well he didn't have to but they had no future at all without him giving up something.

"He left me." It didn't break him saying it. And it was the truth. Not the whole truth but the truth anyway. He looked up at Jamie who nodded.

"I'm sorry." It didn't matter. Jamie saying he was sorry didn't mean anything because he didn't know what it meant. What it had done.

"Yeah well." He shrugged. "It was a while ago." It hurt like yesterday but a lot had happened between then and now. Too much in some ways.

"Takes time though." Jamie sighed. "To get yourself back." He knew Jamie was speaking from experience otherwise he might have kicked off.

"It did. But I've got my business and I've got my kids so I'm alright." He wasn't sure how big of a lie that was. Because he wasn't back, he wasn't who he was, knew that he would never truly be that person again but he wasn't slowly killing himself anymore so he could at least call that an even keel.

"So how are you fixed for our date? When are you free?" Jamie sounded keen, not too keen. Not desperate by any stretch of his imagination but still enthusiastic.

"Tomorrow night. We're really busy over the weekend so…" He didn't like having to apologise for his business being busy but he still found himself doing it.

"Tomorrow's good for me. I'll pick you up at your flat at 8."

"I'll be ready."

Jamie looked at his watch.

"I really need to go and lock up." He stood up leant across the table and gently kissed Ste.

He couldn't help but smile.

"Don't." Jamie smiled at him.

"What?" He frowned.

"Don't smile like that at me…" He leant in again for another kiss and Ste opened his mouth a little.

"Keep it PG guys." Doug called and walked over.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Jamie smiled. "Doug." He acknowledged then walked away.

"So you and Jamie?" Doug sat down opposite him. Ste took a deep enough swing from his bottle to finish it.

"Yeah." He shrugged.

"I thought it was off?"

"It was." He shrugged again.

"I pleased that you're trying again. Those losers you were with…" Doug shook his head.

He didn't need to defend his choices to Doug. Although he hadn't made many good ones in recent years and he knew that Doug was only worried about him. He cared he reminded himself.

"Did you want something?" He asked. He didn't want to talk to Doug about Jamie. He didn't want to talk to him about anything because he knew that it would only go in one direction and he really didn't want to go there.

"Just wanted to catch up. We haven't seen each other to talk in a while… You took a serious dip a while ago and I was really worried about you."

"Yeah, you were dead helpful." The sarcasm was out of his mouth before he could stop it.

"Don't start Ste. Because we both know if I'd tried to help you wouldn't have accepted it. In fact you would have started a fight about it."

He was wrong. When the numbness had taken hold he just wouldn't have talked at all.

"Anyway Laura was there." Doug added. "And you know you talk to her more than to your actual friends."

"She _is_ my friend."

"She's your councillor Ste. She's not your friend. You're just a job to her. She gets paid to listen to you. To put up with your shit. She doesn't actually care."

He knew Doug didn't like Laura. That he was jealous of her because she was closer to him than Doug was. But he felt the anger rise anyway because there was a fear that Doug was right and if Laura and he hadn't sorted all that out before then it might have done damage.

"She's not my councillor anymore as it happens but even if she was I'd rather have her listening to me than you telling me what to do. Because that's the fucking difference Doug. She listens to me. You try and put my life to rights. Hold me to your fucking standards well I'm sorry I can't be as perfect as you but that's just who I am isn't it. The scally who keeps fucking up but at least I know that. I know that I make mistakes but at least I learn from them."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You married me knowing that I was still in love with Brendan. Now you're shacked up with that McQueen who still isn't over Craig Dean."

"Don't you dare bring John-Paul into this. We're fine and you'd know that if you even bothered to ask which you never do. You're so self-involved. Everything has to be about you. And if it's not about you you couldn't care less. You're a fucking selfish prick and having met your mother I can see where you get it from. You might like to act the business man now but we both know that you'll never be happy until everything around you has turned to shit because then you can pull the usual woe is me routine and anyone you haven't driven away will come running, well not me. I'm done with you."

It hurt. Doug dragging up the past. Accusing him of things he knew were right. Washing his hands of him but he was angry and the best form of defence is attack.

"This might come as a shock Doug but I don't give a shit. I don't need you. You were a distraction. You were someone who could fill the space until Brendan and I could get our act together and you know it."

It was as spiteful as he could make it. Knew that it would hurt Doug but that was the point.

"Yeah and I was also the person who offered you a new life and if I hadn't given you that plane ticket you and Brendan never would have gotten back together so you can sit on your high horse but we both know if I hadn't let you go to Dublin, we would be together. And Brendan wouldn't be in jail. Where he belongs as it happens. He came back here for you and ended up in prison serving hard time. So really if you think about it it's your fault he's in there…" He saw the colour drain from Doug's face.

"I didn't mean that." He said quickly, all anger gone.

"Yeah you did. You did. And you know what Doug you're right. Thanks for reminding me. It is my fault. It's my fault he killed Danny and it's my fault that he's in prison."

"Ste." Doug pleaded.

"No Doug. You're right as always congratulations."

He didn't want to hear any more so he walked away as fast as he could. Doug had the decency not to follow him.

He walked into price slice and bought a litre bottle of vodka taking it home. He was so angry at Doug, but more so at himself. He needed to punish himself. He hit the wall with his fist catching the corner slightly.

The pain opened up the world around him. Shocked his mind out of the tunnel vision of anger.

He looked at the bottle sat there ready to be drunk and he thought about it. He had been through this all before. If he downed that bottle it wouldn't solve anything. It wouldn't make Doug's words any less true, it would actually make them valid. He wasn't his mother. He didn't need to spend his life at the bottom of a bottle however tempting oblivion was. He was better than his mother. He was better than the person he had been at his worst. He didn't even like that person. Couldn't stand him. His eyes trailed to a picture of Leah and Lucas and he forced himself to calm down.

He was partially responsible for what happened to Brendan but he wasn't entirely responsible. There were many other people, other factors which lead to where they were now.

Brendan had made mistakes. Had killed people. Ste hadn't made him do it although he had given his blessing to Walker's death but only because the bastard was never going to stop coming. Kill or be killed. And he would rather Brendan be in prison than dead. Even knowing what prison did to him.

Because he was a selfish prick who didn't want his lover dead and he could live with that.

He put the vodka in the cupboard and decided to go outside and sunbathe instead because he was stronger than giving in now, he didn't want to give in but that didn't rid him of the fear that he would if he stayed in the flat alone with his thoughts.


	18. Chapter 18

Thank you for your reviews and your support.

Sorry it's taken so long to update, life has gotten in the way the last few days.

* * *

Laura walked in on the back end of the argument. He had heard her knock and ignored it because he was enjoying the fight. He liked that he could push and Jamie didn't take it. He had a limit and Ste had found it. All it took was keeping going. Keep pushing. He had always been good at finding the chink and putting a sledgehammer through it.

"Will you please fucking talk to him?" Jamie stated then walked out the door slamming it shut.

It was a shame. He had been on a roll.

"What was that?" Laura asked turning around looking at the door then back to him.

"Nothing." He snapped. "Let's go." He grabbed his jacket.

Laura stood still, just staring.

"Well are you coming or not?"

She looked at him and he knew she was thinking about confronting him. He was ready for an argument. Would embrace it. Would love a good screaming match. He didn't care it would be with Laura who could cut him down to the real issue because he knew he could get at least three quarters of his anger out before she did.

"Where are we headed?" She wasn't going to play, he should have known. She knew he wanted a fight and she wasn't going to give him one.

"Loaded." He knew she would hate the idea. It was a rough gay bar. One of his old favourites.

"Fine." No fight. No argument. She was passive.

"Maybe I should go on my own I know how you hate being a fag hag." He didn't dare bring out the big guns against her because she had far too much ammunition to through back.

"I'm used to it. Besides I'm sure it'll be interesting." She shrugged

"It's a bar, you want to study human behaviour go watch Big Brother you won't even need to bother to move from your seat."

"I thought you wanted to go?" She cut him off.

"I'm going alone." He reached for the door handle but she stepped in front of him.

"You walk out that door and you'll do something you'll regret." She stated firmly.

He knew she was right. He knew he would do something stupid if he walked out of the flat because he knew he was in that kind of mood. He was in the mood to say 'fuck you world'. And he knew he would regret it but that didn't mean that he shouldn't do it anyway.

"Know that for a fact do you? Read the future as well as minds?" He sneered.

"No but you've got that look in your eyes that says you're going looking for trouble. So care to tell me what's put you in such a fabulously self-destructive mood?"

"You really think you know me don't you!" He knew he was in trouble because she did know him. He knew he wouldn't get away with hiding behind anger. That he would give it up but he wasn't ready to give up the fight just yet.

"Tell me I'm wrong then. Tell me you aren't going to walk out that door and get yourself fucked over. Tell me that you aren't going to be doing it as some 'fuck you' to Jamie. Tell me what this is all about." She stated arms wide.

"Get out of my way." He had to get out now or he'd lose.

"Fine." She stepped aside. "But you've come too far and worked too hard to chuck this over an argument with your boyfriend who you don't give a fuck about anyway."

He stopped in his tracks. He didn't think she'd say that.

"What gives you the fucking right? Ay?" He demanded. What gave her the right to know?

"Nothing and no one." She replied easily.

He knew he was done. He was caught. He knew that Jamie wouldn't hold as an excuse. Not that he needed them anymore. He knew his behaviour was on him and no one else. He was responsible. And she wasn't going to let him walk out without dragging him back down to Earth where his decision had consequences. Consequences he had already lived through. Consequences that he could go a life time without ever dealing with again.

"I do like Jamie." It was weak. He couldn't say that he cared about him. He did but he couldn't admit that. Not to himself and certainly not out loud.

"Wow. You like him. That's almost an admission of care from you these days."

"Don't fucking start."

"I already have." She snapped back.

"Well finish on your own because I'm out of here." He reached for the door again and she stepped in front of him again.

"If you don't stop running away you are never going to stop."

"Oh so stop running away and face this. Isn't that your usual speech? Well I've heard it."

"Yeah usually you listen and realise that you're tired of running away. That running away is more exhausting than facing the problem and that it'll steam roller you in the end anyway." She stepped aside.

He stared at her as he walked out. He was three steps down the path when he realised that he shouldn't have left his flat, she should have. He should have thrown her out.

He walked down towards the village, he could catch the next bus to town if he wanted to. Fired with anger he wanted to but as he walked it was harder and harder to keep the anger up. He didn't want company. He didn't want to go to a club. He just needed some space. Some time.

He never seemed to have any anymore. Not that he was any good on his own. He craved solitude after weeks surrounded by people wanting things from him.

Tony wanted his work, his talent. Jamie wanted him. Laura wanted answers. Doug wanted to play nice. John-Paul wanted to ruin him, humiliate him he wasn't even sure why anymore. Their childish feud was just that childish and if he was a better person he wouldn't let him get to him. But he wan't a better person.

Jamie wanted him.

That was the scariest of the lot. For the first few dates Jamie had been the perfect gentleman although a proper slut in the bedroom, he had respected his privacy, didn't push a subject he wan't comfortable with but recently he had been pushing to know more. More about his family. About his past. About him.

Small things like where he had gone to school. Where he had grown up. His family.

It wasn't unreasonable he knew that given that Jamie was just about an open book. Ste had asked him allsorts mostly because if Jamie was talking about himself then he didn't have to talk about himself.

He didn't want Jamie to know about him. He didn't want to tell him. He didn't want to ruin the picture Jamie seemed to have in his head about his past. How he had grown up in a stable home, with decent parents. Obviously not rich or well off but comfortable. He didn't want to tell him that he used to wake up every morning hoping that that was the day was the day Terry put him out of his misery. Or the day that Terry would end up under a bus or his mother. Anything so that he didn't have to put up with another beating or the slanging matches or holding his mum's hair back so she didn't vomit all over it. Knowing that if she did then he'd be the one to clean it up. It would have been easier for everyone if he'd just left her on the living room floor to choke on her own vomit. And he could end up in care. He'd heard the horror stories but that seemed like paradise compared to what he was living.

How was he ever meant to explain that to a man who had grown up in the suburbs with a Doctor for a father and a paralegal for a mother? Perfect little family. Growing up surrounded by love instead of bile and hate. Having a older brother and a younger sister to love and be loved by. To play with. To be surrounded by people that cared about him.

How the fuck was he ever going to explain his life to Jamie without Jamie pitying him? He didn't want pity. He'd had enough pity in his life. Poor little Ste. Except he had been such a shit and so fucked up because he knew that if Terry found out he had told anyone where the bruises came from he would make the next beating worse or take it out on Pauline which was worse because then she'd start on him as well. She'd take Terry's side even though Terry was not her blood. He was her blood. She should have taken his side but that wasn't how Pauline worked. He knew that now. He had learned that over many years, a huge amount of pain and a fair few tears.

Knowing that his mother didn't want him. Couldn't bring herself to love him.

He had wondered for a long time what had made him so bad that even his own mother couldn't love him then he had realised she was just a fucking bitch but that made it worse in some ways because he was her son and that meant whatever made her such a bitch was likely passed to him. Like Pauline had condemned him. He had wished for a time that he had died. That she had gotten rid of him because then at least he wouldn't have had to put up with her as a mother.

How was Jamie meant to even contemplate that? How would he hear that and not equate him to his mother? If the mother's a wrong 'un then the child has to be too. They talked about animals like that. He was from bad stock and he could fight it all he liked but it was the truth.

Brendan had understood. Fuck he didn't understand how well Brendan knew what it was like. How bad it was. He hadn't realised how bad Brendan had had it as a child but it had given them a level playing field of sorts. Not that he was equating being sexually abuse to what he had faced but the damage was the similar. The blackening of their souls had been the same.

Jamie was bright white to his dark grey. His soul wasn't black anymore but it wasn't white. It wasn't even light grey because the things he had done and the people he had hurt could never allow him a clear conscience.

His shoulder was joulsled bringing him back to reality. A gang of teenagers, kettled up by the look of them. He tried to move through. Angry with himself for being so out of it he hadn't even noticed the danger of drawing attention to himself.

"What have we got here boys?" The leader asked.

"Look mate sorry alright." He stated. He didn't want trouble. Well that was a lie, he did but he didn't want to get arrested for fighting. Although as they circled around him he realised he was in more than enough trouble.

"What if it's not alright?" The leader asked. "What if you've got to pay for your disrespect?"

He felt the first blow to his spine but the rest was a blur. He got in some punches and kicks of his own before he was on the floor. He curled in on himself. Years of practice paying off. As the kicks rained down on him he could help but be a little thankful for all those years of abuse at Terry's, Pauline's and even Brendan's hands. At least it had taught him to take a kicking.

"Hey!" A voice shouted and the kicks stopped replaced by the sound of the gang running.

He lay on the tarmac and waited until the adrenaline fell away to pain because that was what abuse had taught him. He wouldn't know how hurt he was until his heart slowed down.

"Hey are you alright?" If he had breath he would have given a smart arse reply as it was he was trying to get his breath back. "Shit Ste." He realised he recognised the voice. "Just stay still."

John-Paul McQueen just what he needed.

He had to move. He rolled a little to try and work out if he could. But his body was reluctant.

"Stay still." He felt hands on him and instinct kicked in and he rolled away from them. "You have to stay still. Please Ste just stay still." Please? John-Paul had never said please to him and meant it in his entire life. "Ste listen to me you need to stay still." There was panic in John-Paul's voice.

He moved again because he needed to know what was going on and then he felt it. There was something sticking out of his shoulder grating against bone.

"Ste you have to stay still… Ambulance please. My friend he's been stabbed."


	19. Chapter 19

Thank you for reading, and a big thank you to those who take the time to review and follow this story.

I'm not a medical expert. I don't claim to be. Any major flaws and feel free to correct me and I'll edit this chapter and make it right.

* * *

He shakily thanked John-Paul as he was loaded into the ambulance. And he actually meant it. John-Paul had been very good with him while they waited for the ambulance but once in the hands of the paramedics he had insisted that he didn't need company.

John-Paul hadn't needed much convincing. The police wanted to speak to him anyway. One of them said that an officer would come to the hospital and take a statement from him.

The paramedic, nice bloke, very efficient had talked to him all the way to hospital although he hadn't talked much. Just told him what he needed to know because every breath was like daggers in his chest. He knew he had broken ribs. Had had them often enough to know the feeling.

In the treatment room he watched as a dozen people descended on him poking and prodding his shoulder. He lost track of who was doing what. Which questions he was answering. It was all so busy and he was feeling weird.

"We're going to pull the knife out now." Someone said from behind him. He didn't know what they were doing. He couldn't feel anything. Then there was a pressure.

"Bleeding isn't too badly. We'll get this stitched up. It will scar but we'll see if we can keep the stitches as neat as possible to reduce the size."

He was injected with local anaesthetic. The wound was flushed out and he sat as still as he could as the Doctor stitched up his shoulder. It took a long time. Apparently the wound was a bit of a mess but eventually there was a dressing applied and he was allowed to sit back.

He had a set of x-rays which confirmed what he already knew. Two broken, three cracked ribs. And a break to his cheek bone which explained why it hurt when he gritted his teeth and why his face felt twice the size.

They injected some more pain killers and some antibiotics.

"Anyone you would like us to call?"

"Can you call Amy Barnes? The numbers in my phone." They had taken his jacket and cut off his t-shirt for the police he assumed. Not that he thought that they'd be able to find anything on his clothes except his blood.

The nurse pulled his phone out. It was undamaged which he was thankful for because he couldn't remember Amy's number off the top of his head, he tried to think of it but he got half way through and the numbers just confused. He was fairly sure Amy was listed as his next of kin anyway although maybe not. He couldn't remember if he had changed it.

It was all hazy. He closed his eyes for a while.

When he woke up he was in a room attached to monitors with Amy sat at his bedside reading a magazine. She didn't look worried which he took as a good thing. The Doctors hadn't been as concerned about him after the knife had been removed.

He tried to speak but his mouth was dry. But the noise of his attempt shocked her.

"Hey." She stated and brought a glass to his lips.

"You didn't have to come." He said. He hadn't expected her to. He had expected that the burse would tell her that he was in hospital and that she didn't need to worry about him but he hadn't made it clear to the nurse so he couldn't expect her to be able to read his mind.

"Of course I came. You got stabbed."

"Wasn't that bad." He replied sheepishly.

"Bad enough." She snapped. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I got hit by a bus." He tried to keep his reply light but he hissed as he took a deeper breath. The pain killers were wearing off. His chest was aching even when he wasn't breathing. His shoulder throbbed when he held his breath, his only choice was to breath normally and put up with his ribs protesting.

"I'll get the nurse." She left to room.

He looked around there was nothing to see, just plain walls, the foot of his bed. He wondered if he was still in A and E. He tried to look out the window but even the slightest twist left him breathless with he pain. He see anything anyway and it didn't matter. He closed his eyes. He was tired. Beaten. Sore.

"How is the pain Mr Hay?" The nurse asked as soon as she was through the door.

"Ribs are killing me." He had to be honest. There was no point in acting tough Amy would know and she would make him tell the truth.

"I'll get the doctor to sign off on some more pain relief." She said. "It's best you let him rest." She stated to Amy making it clear that she wanted Amy to leave.

"I'll be back in the morning." She stated before walking over to the bed and giving him a half hug and a kiss on the cheek.

It was half on his mind to ask her where she was staying but she was gone before he got the chance.

The doctor came and informed him that he needed to change the pain killer that he was on to a weaker one because he didn't want to over medicate him but that until they found the right dose he would likely find himself uncomfortable. And he insisted on a catheter because he wanted him as still as possible for the next few days so that he didn't do any more damage.

He wondered how much more damage he could do to himself walking to the toilet but when the nurse adjusted his pillows so he was even more upright he realised that the very idea of getting out of the bed was bad enough without having to think about walking anywhere.

He tried to fall back asleep but every time he found a comfortable position he would move ever so slightly and he would be uncomfortable again.

He lost track of how long he was awake but he fell asleep at some point because the nurse woke him asking him if he wanted breakfast and to tell him the police wanted a statement.

They spouted a load of crap saying that they wanted to catch the gang that had stabbed him and that they were known to the police for other offenses but he knew enough about the police and how they worked to know that unless he could ID every single one of the teenagers and their was DNA and fingerprints linking them to the scene. Even then there was every chance the judge would tap them on the wrists. Maybe it would offer them the chance to see the consequences of their actions, going to jail and having their freedom taken away but he didn't want to put anyone in jail. He'd been there and he knew that it would only make them worse because people only changed if they wanted to and it was harder to change than to stay the same. Even then there was always still that part that enjoyed the old life.

God he felt old.

He had given his statement anyway and the police said they would do all they could but he wasn't holding his breath.

"What did the police say?" Amy walked through the door at the same time she spoke.

"I wasn't exactly much help. It was dark I didn't see any of their faces."

"They could have killed you."

He was told by the nurse who emptied his catheter that he had bruised kidneys because she could see blood in the bag, which the Doctor confirmed.

"You've been very lucky Mr Hay it could have been so much worse." The doctor said. "Laceration and it would have been surgery."

He didn't feel particularly lucky lying on a hospital bed with shooting pains in his chest and shoulder every time he took a breath but given that he was alive, in one battered piece it was far better than being dead.

He was thankful for another dose of pain killers. His ribs were going to be a bitch for weeks. He knew they would so he was taking all the pain killers they would give him because once he was cut off it was going to be hell.

"What did you tell the kids?" He didn't want Amy to dwell on what might have been.

"Just that you're in here. Leah pretty much demanded that she come but I didn't think you'd want her to see you like this. But I promised you'd ring her."

There was a knock on the door and Laura opened the door. He gestured, then regretted gesturing for her to enter. She looked worried but then as she entered he saw her relax.

"How you doing?" She asked.

"Alright."

"Amy this is Laura. Laura, Amy." He wondered if he had died and gone to Hell. Amy and Laura in the same room the only saving grace was that he was there to mediate because he dreaded to think what they would talk about behind his back. Even knowing that they both cared. Laura could fill Amy in on everything, everything that Doug hadn't already feed him and Amy would get it out of her because they were similar in that way. If Amy wanted to know something she would find a way of finding out.

"Nice to finally meet you." Amy said then they shook hands.

"You should be a fortune teller." He stated.

"I never thought for a second you'd end up in here."

Amy gave him a look.

"Laura said I'd get into trouble." He would have shrugged but he had done that a few hours ago and nearly passed out.

"What's the damage?" Laura asked.

Amy filed her in on the injuries.

"I called Tony let him know that you wouldn't be in and that one of us would ring him later."

"He'll have to organise cover for my shifts." He leant back against the pillows behind him and closed his eyes. He needed to know when he was getting out and when he could get back to work because Tony couldn't do everything. Maybe they could shut for a few hours in the afternoon to meals and only serve deserts or things that Ash, Barney or Joe could handle then at least Tony would have a few hours off.

The door opened and Jamie rushed in.

"I just heard." He rushed to his side. He looked scared to touch him. He knew he wasn't looking great from what he could see but he hadn't seen his face yet. But he had at the very least a big back eye given the swelling. "Christ."

"Looks worse than it is." Although he didn't know how bad he looked, it just seemed like the thing to say to reassure him because the look on Jamie's face suggested that he had expected to find him half dead.

He looked around the room and realised the situation.

Amy. Laura and Jamie. In the same room with him at the same time.

Jamie who he hadn't told Amy about well other than a vague mention here and there.

"Amy this is Jamie." Laura stated to save him. "Jamie this is Amy Leah and Lucas' mum."

"Wish we could have met under better circumstances." Jamie offered his hand.

Amy was giving him a look and it made him wince a little. She could drop him right in it.

"So you're Jamie. Ste's told me so much about you." Amy smiled but it was calculating and Ste knew he was in trouble.

He saw Laura try and hid a smile.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" He asked her. It was damage limitation and removing Laura would be an excellent first step.

"Oh you know me flexi hours." She replied like butter wouldn't melt.

"Well then maybe you could help Tony out for a few hours and let him know that I'll ring him later. You know now that you've seen I'm alright." He gave her a glare.

"Of course I will. I'll be back in later let me know if you need anything." She had the good grace to bow out.

There was an awkward silence.

"Jamie would you mind getting me a coffee. I need to talk to Ste about the kids for a minute." Amy stated.

"Yeah no problem." Jamie looked unsure.

"White with a sugar please." She added.

She waited until the door was closed before she crossed her arms.

"So?"

"I've been seeing someone."

"Uh-huh and who is he?"

"He's the one that runs the garage."

"Oh." That stopped her in her tracks.

"Yeah so he's a nice bloke and I'm sorry I haven't introduced him to you but…" He didn't want to introduce him to Amy. That meant something. That meant that he was letting Jamie into his life. That meant that Amy could talk to Jamie. Talk. Tell. It was the same difference. And then he would be forced to tell Jamie things.

"You didn't want me giving him the third degree." She sighed.

If that was what she thought then it would do.

"We haven't been together than long and it's going alright so…" Alright was relative.

"Good. I'm pleased but you should have told me." She said flatly.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Has he met the kids?" Trick question. Leah would have mentioned him and Lucas might have as well.

"Yeah we've bumped into him a few times while we've been out. I haven't told them any more than he's a friend."

"Leah mentioned him."

Jamie came back handing Amy her cup.

"When do you need to be back?" He asked because there was no way Amy could stay. She couldn't leave the kids for long.

"This afternoon but I'll bring the kids down when you're out of here and ready to see them." She replied.

There was no way he wanted Leah or Lucas to see him until he was looking better. He didn't want his kids worrying about him.

"Or maybe you could come up to us? Have dinner? You and Jamie."

"We'll see." He replied at the same moment Jamie replied.

"I'd like that."

They shared a look.

"Right well I said I'd meet Nancy, John-Paul and Doug for a catch up. I'll call in before I head up home." She lent in and kissed him on the cheek. She smiled at Jamie as she left.

As soon as they were alone Jamie sat in the chair Amy had been sat in.

"God Ste." He picked up Ste's hand and kissed in. Then pressed his forehead to it. He looked overwhelmed. Jamie's breath was almost like sobs but he knew that there were no tears. He was just trying to calm himself down.

"I'm fine." He stated because he didn't want Jamie upset over him.

"You're not though are you? You got stabbed."

"Yeah but only with a Swiss Army knife." It hurt enough and was scary enough that he never wanted to find out what a getting stabbed by something longer felt like.

"You didn't tell Amy about us." Statement not a question. "I know she's going to ask questions about me, give me the spainish inquisition about every aspect of my life I'm expecting it because she's the mother of your kids and if I'm in your life then I'll be around them. It's natural for her to worry about a new guy especially after the others…"

"The others?"

"You know what I mean."

"No I don't."

"Ste you made no secret of the fact that you were dating. You went through blokes at a rate of knots."

"Hang on."

"Ste."

"No, you think I'm a slut?"

"No that's not what I'm saying it's just that you can't deny you've had a lot of boyfriends in a past couple of months."

"Yeah actually I can. They weren't my boyfriends they were…" Nothing. No ones. Men who had wanted him that he had wanted physically.

"Just sex?"

"Yeah actually. I never said anything about any of them to Amy. I never introduced any of them to my kids."

"So what am I then? If Amy hadn't been here would you have told her about me?" Jamie was getting a hard edge to his voice.

"Yeah eventually I would have had to."

"How long would that be then?"

"I don't know."

"Where are we here? Am I just another notch on the bed post? That you'll chuck as soon as you get bored because that isn't who I think you are but everything is telling me that is exactly what I am." He sat back on the chair. "I was so scared this morning when Tony told me that you were in here. That you'd been fucking stabbed. I was terrified of what I would find when I walked through that door because I care about you. Fuck it you know what… I love you. Right. I do. It might be too soon to be saying it but I love you and I think we could be good together and I've put up with being shut out and shut down but I've been hoping that you'd learn to trust me. That you'd learn that I'm not going to break your heart if I can help it. I know you've been hurt, I know that Brendan left you and I know how much that hurts but I thought that you… Where are we? Do you want to be with me?"

"Yes." He did. No hesitation no question because the alternative was being alone. He'd been put on the spot and the answer was easy.

"Then why did you throw a fit last night? It's only a wedding."

"It's only September." The wedding was in December.

"It's not going to be huge. My sister doesn't want a big wedding just a few friends and family. I thought that if I asked you now then you could talk to Amy and re-arrange things with the kids if you needed to and organise cover with Tony for that weekend. I know it's a while away but you're so busy I thought that if I left it you wouldn't be able to sort things out if you did want to go with me."

He hadn't thought about it like that. All he had heard was Jamie planning things, future things with him when he wasn't looking past their next date. That Jamie wanted him to meet his family.

"I'm sorry I kicked off."

"I know that you want to take things slowly but I honestly didn't think you'd get so upset or I never would have asked."

He was going to have to give Jamie something. Something that made him understand a little about why he had picked a fight about something that in the cold light of day seemed so innocent.

"I'm… I was… I am worried about how you're family will react to me."

"What on Earth for?"

"Well Luke was a banker. He was successful. He was everything that parents could want for their child. Where as me…"

"What are you talking about?"

"Where would you like to start? I'm not exactly a catch."

"Ste." Jamie sighed and shook his head.

"Come on I'm a ticking time bomb. Look at where we are."

"You didn't put yourself in here. You were attacked. None of what happened was your fault."

"Yeah but this is just another thing isn't it. If I'm not kicking off then I'm working."

"Ste I like that you're so passionate about things, that you get upset alright I don't like the picking fights and arguments but it's part of you and I don't want you to change. If I was faint hearted I would never have asked you out after everything. I wouldn't be sitting here now. I can't believe that you think I'm just going to walk away." He shook his head. "It makes sense now… I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"All I can think about you is how strong you are, how self-sufficient, how you stick to your convictions. I never really took the time to reassure you or anything that I couldn't see that I needed to show you, tell you that I want you in my life. Warts and all. Seriously."

"You don't know everything."

"Then why don't you tell me? What could be so bad that you would think that I wouldn't want you?"

Rip off the Elastoplast. Jamie was going to walk at some point it was better it was now than later when he was used to him being around. When he had made allowances for him being in his life.

"I used to beat Amy. Terrorise her. I was horrible to her. I did things to her that no one should ever do. I beat the mother of my children black and blue and I used to enjoy it."

Silence.

"See you asked. Now walk."

Silence.

"Walk Jamie you know you want to. Go."


	20. Chapter 20

Two new chapters in one day...

* * *

"But…" Jamie spluttered. "If you did that."

"I did."

"Why was she here? After that she shouldn't want to be within ten miles of you."

He shrugged and regretted it. He hissed.

"Explain it to me."

"It is what it is."

"No. You don't get to tell me that without explaining to me how someone who you say you hurt so badly would be here now kissing you on the cheek. Why would she still care about you? Father of her children on not she wouldn't be here. So explain it."

He didn't want to.

"Why are you still here?"

"Because it doesn't make any sense."

"Just be grateful that you're getting out now."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Go. Now."

"No. You don't get to push me away. You told me that to get me to walk out and it's obvious that there's more to it. So come on."

"That's just the tip of the ice burg so when I say go you better go."

Jamie looked at him then turned around, he took a deep breath and turned back around.

"Do you regret doing that to her?"

"Of course I do." He replied. "If I could take it all back I would." Ten times over. "Shows you what kind of person I am though doesn't it."

"No because that isn't who I know you as now and it must have been years ago because you've been married since. And you regret it."

"Why does that matter? I hit a woman. I hit the mother of my children."

Jamie pursed his lips.

"If you won't explain it then I'll just have to speak to Amy won't I?" He went to leave.

"No! Don't!" He cried and his chest exploded into a scream of pain. It was blinding.

"Help!" Jamie shouted. "Ste please." Jamie was next to him. "You have to calm down. Take it easy. Christ. Can I get some help?!"

He felt the nurses and doctors rush into the room rather than saw them.

"Mr Hay you need to calm down." The Doctor said in his ear as a mask was put on his face. "The pain killers will take effect just hold on."

It felt like an age. The oxygen made him feel high but it took nothing off the pain.

"We're going to sedate him."

* * *

He came to and realised it was night. He looked around the room. Laura's head was on his bed. She looked very uncomfortable.

"Hey."

He whipped his head to a shooting pain. He had missed that Jamie was in the room. He was standing in the corner looking out the window.

"Amy had to go straight back, she didn't make it back to see you before she left. She said you had to ring her as soon as you could." He didn't sound right.

"Did you…?" Did Jamie speak to Amy?

"No. I didn't get chance. One of your broken ribs punctured your lung, they re-inflate it while you were out. You turned blue and everything. I thought you were going to die."

"And?"

"And well that would have…"

"Finally." Laura stirred. "I swear the doctors gave you enough sedative to knock out a Rhino and you're only skinny." She stretched.

"Why are you still here?" He asked Jamie.

"You owe me an explanation."

"What did I miss?" Laura asked eyes wide.

"I don't owe you anything." His voice wasn't holding up.

"What the hell is going on?" She asked looking between them.

"Ste was about to tell me how Amy can stand to be in the same room as him after he beat her."

"No I wasn't." He was too tied for this but he wouldn't back down.

"So you finally told him something then." Laura sighed.

"You knew?!" Jamie exclaimed. "Oh this is perfect."

"I know because Ste told me."

"Funny isn't it. You told me to push me away yet you told her and she's at your bedside just like Amy was. You expect me to walk and they haven't."

"Oh shit." Laura murmured. "What are you playing at?"

"I'm not playing at anything." He replied.

"Tell him." Laura stated. "If you want to see if you can push him out the door then you may as well come clean."

"I don't want his pity."

"Pity?" Jamie walked to his bedside. "How would I pity you for beating up Amy?"

"Tell him." Laura insisted.

"How's he ever going to understand?" There was no way.

"You don't know he won't until you tell him."

"Tell me what?" Jamie demanded.

He looked at Laura who gave him a pleasing look. He knew she wouldn't tell Jamie anything so he had to do it himself.

"I was abused while I was going up. So that perfect family you thought I had well that wasn't how it was. That's where my temper comes from. Comes from them. Pauline and Terry. Especially Terry. When I got together with Amy she found out about it. I turned on her. She walked away eventually but helped me through anger management. Because that's the kind of person she is. She learnt to trust me again, it took years so there you go."

"There's more isn't there?" Jamie asked.

"You wanted an explanation you've got one now walk."

"I'm not going anywhere." Jamie stated firmly and sat on the chair on the opposite side of the bed to Laura.

* * *

He didn't. Jamie stuck with him and in the following weeks helped him recover. He managed to work after a few weeks, careful of what he was lifting and how many hours he put in.

He opened up a little more about his life to Jamie. They even managed to get through a meal with Amy, Simon and the kids without incident although Amy had pulled Jamie aside in the kitchen while he played with the kids. He wasn't sure what had been said. Jamie had only said that Amy had told him that if he dared to hurt Ste that his life wouldn't be worth living or words to that effect.

She hadn't mentioned Brendan and he was more than a little thankful for that because that was one thing that he would never tell Jamie all about. He knew enough.

"What if they hate me?" He asked in the car on the way to the registry office.

"They won't."

"Yeah but what if they do?"

"I'm a big boy and I can have whoever I want and I want you. Mum and Dad only want me to be happy and you make me happy so they'll like you. Gillian is too busy getting married to give a toss who I bring and John well he'll properly warn you not to mess me around but you have nothing to worry about. They'll like you." Jamie was so sure. "Look you've got a successful restaurant, you've got two gorgeous children and you're beautiful what could they possibly not like?"

He sat back in the seat still not convinced.

"Mum, Dad this is Ste." Jamie introduced him.

"So glad to finally meet you James has told us so much about you." His mother smiled and hugged him. Which was a shock and he half returned the hug. He wasn't used to physical affection, at least from people who weren't in his bed.

"James?" He mouthed to Jamie. Who shrugged in reply.

"He tells me you're a chef well the amount of trouble we've had with caterers for this wedding it could have saved so many problems if you'd have done the food."

"Mum. Ste is here as my guest." Jamie protested.

"Yes, yes dear but you haven't been here you don't know the stress' I've been put through. You know how fussy Gillian is."

"She's not fussy." Jamie stated.

"Particular." His Dad said and it became clear the dynamics of their relationship. Jamie's mother, Karen was a very fussy woman who wanted everything to be perfect. Her husband George was so laid back he was horizontal so he pacified any argument before it could start. Gillian was the baby and her mother doted on her. Jamie was the middle child swinging between everyone. And John he assumed was the typical older brother protective of his siblings but prepared to shoot them down.

The wedding was small, quiet and simple. Gillian looked lovely. Her new husband looked scared out of his mind and he wasn't Ste's cup of tea. Too loud and larger than life for his taste but they looked good together.

John was cool and aloof until the reception where another hundred or so people joined them, then he was laughing and joking. Until he pulled Ste aside in the toilet.

"So you're Jamie's new boyfriend."

"Yeah."

"Right then Ste it is my job as his brother to tell you straight that Jamie is a good man and he's been through a lot with Luke." It was a test to check that Ste knew about Luke. "So don't break his heart alright or we'll have a problem."

That was the worst of it the rest of the weekend had been good fun. George and Karen had them over to their house for tea before they left.

"Told you they'd like you." Jamie had been so smug on the way home.

* * *

He wasn't in love with Jamie. He knew that. But he liked being around him. Liked his company. Liked being in a relationship. Liked sharing his life with him. Enjoyed the sex with someone who cared about him. He didn't love him though, he couldn't. He couldn't go through heart break again so he made sure that he wasn't in love with him.

"I love Jamie." He claimed and Laura had looked at him.

"Try that again with more feeling and I might begin to believe you."

"He's good for me even you can see that."

"I'm not denying that he's good for you, that's he's a good bloke but don't do this to him Ste. Don't string him along because he really does love you and he doesn't deserve half a relationship with you. Give him everything or you'll lose him. You're a brave man Ste, be brave again. Love him."

"What if?" He still thought about Brendan. Thought about the life they could have had together. The dream had long since past but the hope, the hope that he had forced himself to loosen his grip on remained no matter what he did.

"What if's and maybe's are part of life. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that he's not going to break your heart but I guarantee that you are breaking his right now by holding back and you'll never know how good you'll be together until you let yourself."

He dared himself one morning to love Jamie. It seemed childish but he had needed to see what it would be like. He watched as Jamie walked over to the sink in his jogging bottoms with no top on. He gave him an odd look then stepped closer wrapping his arms around him.

"You look amazing this morning." Jamie whispered in his ear then kissed his neck.

He remember what love felt like. It wasn't painful, it didn't drag his insides out… No heart break did that. Lack of love did that.

Love was beautiful and fun. It wasn't without it's pit falls. Caring, loving someone meant trying to look after them trying to make them happy. Arguments arose but were overcome with love because love held them together.

He sat one morning watching Jamie play with Leah and Lucas, he sat on his lumpy sofa and smiled to himself, and he embraced happiness.

* * *

"Post." Jamie called placing it on the counter before grabbing a kiss on the way out of the door. "Dog at 2 you promised me lunch." He called on the way out of the door.

He had promised lunch because he had worked their anniversary. Five years. Five years they had been together he had to pinch himself because he remembered where he had been when they had met.

He looked through the letters and bills.

A post card from Leah on her school skiing trip in France.

There was an invitation, envelope pink rimmed with gold flowers. He frowned and opened it. Inside there was a white card with a pink bow tied around it.

"Steven Hay and guest,

You are invited to the christening of

Katherine Mary Stephanie Tenbury-Newent

At St John's church, Ireland

RSVP Cheryl Tenbury-Newent"

Underneath a scrawled handwritten note.

"Please come Ste it'd be great to see you."

His lungs burned at him to remind him to breath, he took a deep breath and leaned against the counter top.

* * *

Author's note: Thus concludes section 2, I admit it's a bit of a quick job but I wanted to get through this section so I could write the next section and I think everything that I needed to get in is in. I got hit with a touch of writer's block on chapter 19 so I thought I better get on to the next bit.

There is something wrong with me I swear, I really struggle to write Ste happy at all but especially with someone other than Brendan. Section 3 next up... Oh dear back to the angst.


	21. Chapter 21

Thank you for reviewing.

This is going to be hard to read for many of you… Sorry. Very sorry.

Warning for violence.

Back to Rated M after a few less than M chapters.

* * *

He looked at the invitation again. Cheryl. Cheryl Tenbury-Newent. Cheryl Brady. Married. Living her dream with the man she wanted and now with a child. While Brendan was rotting in prison. Not that he was much better. Brendan in prison and he was on the outside living his life with another man.

The guilt swelled in him. Filled him to bursting.

Five years he had been with Jamie. Five years he had thought about Brendan but it wasn't the same. He had been living in a bubble, putting Brendan to the side because he had to, because he needed to.

And Jamie had been good to him. Was good to him. Good for him. He loved the kids and they loved him. Amy liked him. Laura liked him. Doug and John-Paul, not that he cared what they thought. Everyone liked him.

He loved him. Not whole heartedly. Not with a deep need or want but quietly. He could live his life without him but given the choice he wouldn't.

How could he be so selfish? How could he do this?

He hated Cheryl for getting what she wanted. For allowing Brendan's sacrifice.

He took a breath through his nose and banged his head on the counter top.

"Hypocrite." He chastised himself. "Fucking hypocrite." He slammed his hand into the surface.

He picked up the invitation. He gave serious consideration to burning it but that wouldn't make a difference. He had seen it. He'd read it.

Cheryl fucking Brady or whatever she wanted to call herself, she'd ruined his life. Shot her father who deserved to die but the cost was more than he'd been willing to pay.

He slide to the floor.

He didn't know how long he sat staring at the invitation. His phone started ringing in his pocket shocking him back into reality.

"Hello?"

"Ste where are you?" Jamie asked.

"Sorry something came up."

"You promised you'd be here." Jamie didn't sound annoyed. There were plenty of times that he had stood him up because work had gotten in the way so his natural assumption would be that Tony had rang him on his day off and he'd been called in.

"Yeah, yeah sorry can I get dinner instead?" There was no way in hell he was in any shape to see anyone let alone sit in public with his boyfriend. He didn't even think he'd be able to hold a conversation.

"Indian and you're paying." Jamie stated.

"Fine. See you later."

He didn't know what to do. He felt out of control. Like the world was spinning and he was in the middle of a hurricane, calm but surrounded by chaos. His chaos. His emotions whirling around inching closer ready to take him. He needed to talk it through before he got caught up.

"Ste." She sounded groggy. "It's like ridiculous o'clock."

He frowned and checked his phone.

"It's nearly two in the afternoon."

"Oh. Okay. What can I do for you?" She asked still sounding out of it.

"Can I come round to yours I need to talk to you about something?"

"Sounds ominous."

"You have no idea." He sighed.

"Ok. I should be decent by the time you get here." She didn't sound too sure but he hung up anyway.

The walk would do him good. Fresh air. Nice day. It would calm him down so by the time he was at Laura's he wasn't such a mess and he could talk through things logically. Who was he kidding? He was near melt down. Knew the signs. It was the shocking calm that had him worried. He felt something deep inside welling up threatening to burst and he knew without doubt that it would be bad when it did.

He bumped into Callum on the way up the stairs. Callum on his way out. He was in no mood to chat and Callum looked in a rush so they only exchanged nods and tight smiles.

He knocked on Laura's door as soon as she opened it he pushed the invitation into her hand.

"Cheryl Tenbury-Newent as in Cheryl Brendan's sister." She asked for confirmation frowning a little.

"Lovely invitation to her daughter's christening." He stated sarcastically.

"Let's have it then." Laura moved into her kitchen and poured water into two waiting cups. She raised one to him but he shook his head. It was better that there was nothing in his hands. Nothing at all especially not something hot.

"She gets the dream right this child is really just the icing on the cake and Brendan is locked in a cell for what she did."

"Whoa, stop right there."

He had never told her. She had insisted that he didn't tell her and now he'd broken the rule.

"I'm going to pretend you never said that. Go on." It was out there now and she was going to ignore it.

"And I'm shacked up with Jamie. Brendan's in there rotting and I'm…"

"And you're what?"

"I was happy." He spat. "What kind of person does that make me? He's in there and I'm out here and I…"

"You moved on like you had to." Laura stated. "You had to move on because if you didn't you were going to self-destruct."

"But…" He took a breath and bit his lip. "I… How can I hate Cheryl for the life she has when I'm worse than her because I… Just…"

"Ste breath. Breath and think." She stated firmly.

He couldn't. It was like a big wave crashing down on him. The guilt. The self-hatred.

"I need…" He needed but he didn't know what. Something.

"You need to sit down." She said.

"I need a drink." He replied because he did. He needed something and alcohol was a good starting point since he didn't know. Then at least he could cross it off the list if it didn't work.

"What does this change?" She point the invitation down in front of him. "It changes nothing."

"It changes everything." He snapped.

"Only if you let it."

"Maybe I want it to." He replied. "Maybe I want…"

"No. Ste. No. It changes nothing. It only confirms what you already knew. You knew that Cheryl was living her life. You know you're living yours and you know that Brendan is in prison."

But to see it in black and white, or pink and gold. To see it. To know without doubt that Cheryl was happy.

To know that she had done as Brendan had told her.

That he had done what Brendan told him to do.

"Fuck him." He muttered. "I'm not his puppet." He turned and headed towards the door she stepped in front of him.

"Don't do it."

It was like an explosion. Someone else wanting to control him. Wanting to make him do what he was told like he was a child. Like he was too stupid to make his own choices. Like he didn't know his own mind or what he wanted.

"You don't control me!" He raged in her face.

"No. I don't. But I'm just saying that doing what you're thinking about doing is only going to end in tears." She tried to pacify him. She was scared of him and somewhere he registered that it was the first time she had ever been scared of him.

And god help him it made him feel powerful. To know that Laura, the one who thought she knew everything. Thought she knew him better than anyone. Better than himself was scared of him.

"You can't read my mind! You don't know what I'm thinking! Stop thinking you do! You don't control me!" He swung before he thought and he felt his fist connect, heard the crunch, saw it. His fist connecting with Laura's cheek, her falling. But he was too far gone. The rage. The hate. The fury. He kicked her. Felt it, saw it and… It felt good. It felt right to take his feelings out on someone who was trying to rule his life.

He kicked her again and again and it was like a release. Like he was in control. Finally. In control.

"Ste…" She cried. "Stop." She coughed.

The blood. It was so red. So red. Dripping from her lips onto the cream carpet.

He stayed still, watched with sick fascination as drop after drop hit the floor.

It was like the walls closed in on him. He realised exactly what he had done. He backed off. Backed off and kept backing off until he collided with the wall.

"Don't run." She coughed. More blood.

He looked at her. All she had ever done was try and help him. She had listened to him when no one would. Understood what no one else seemed to. She had helped him rebuild his life and he had beaten her bloody.

"I'm sorry." He uttered. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth.

"Don't run." She was struggling to pick herself up. Struggling to even sit up.

"I'm sorry." He felt bile rise in his throat. But he couldn't move. He couldn't swallow. He couldn't do anything but utter apologies like a prayer and stare at what he had done. Before he could stop himself he threw up. Choking. Heaving. It was like his soul was trying to escape. He couldn't stop. His muscles just kept on trying to squeeze more and more of himself out of his mouth.

He gagged and choked. Hyperventilating. He was shaking. Couldn't stop shaking and vomiting bile. Couldn't stop choking.

"Hey." He felt her hands on him. "Hey." He felt her sit down next to him.

"I'm sorry." He spluttered.

"Shhhhhh." She wrapped her arm around him and into a soft hug. "Shhhhhhh." She soothed bringing his head onto her shoulder and stroking his hair. "Shhhhhhh."

"I'm sorry." He sobbed onto her shoulder wrapping his arms around her and pulling her tight. "I'm so sorry." He gagged again but he managed to get a small grip on himself.

"Shhhhhh." She breathed into his hair.

He sat, sobbed into her neck, held her close because this was it. There was no way it wasn't. There was no way she would forgive him for this. Even understanding. Even knowing his past. Knowing it all there was no way.

"I better go." He tried to pull away but she held him firm.

"Stop running away." She snapped.

"I…"

"No. You listen to me. Stop fucking running." She stated. "This is where running leads."

"I…"

"Stop thinking. Help me up." He was frozen. "Help me up I'm not sitting in a puddle of sick for the rest of the day... Look at the state of this place." He still couldn't move. "Now Ste."

He stood up. His legs shaking beneath him barely holding his weight. But he stood and offered her a hand.

She nearly bent double when she rose up, she clung to him.

"Sofa." She gritted out.

He helped her walk across the floor and sit on the sofa. She groaned and winced as she sat.

She closed her eyes and he thought about running again. So much easier but she demanded he stay and it was at least what he owed her.

"Now clean the vomit and the blood out of the carpet before it stains." She instructed. "Move it Ste. I do not want to buy a new carpet."

He did as he was told. He gathered everything he needed and set about clearing up. He didn't think he just did.

It took ages but eventually it was all gone. It was clean. If only he could do that with his life.

"Grab the bottle of Vodka out of the cupboard." She stated.

He frowned at her.

"Vodka is great for busted ribs." She said. There was no joke. Nothing. Just cold hard fact.

"Now sit down."

"I should…"

"Now!"

She had never shouted at him like that before. Never been as cold with him. It was the end.

"Stop fucking thinking I can hear the gears from here." She knocked back two big mouthful's of vodka.

"I'm sorry." He had to apologuise. Had to make sure she understood that he was deeply, deeply sorry.

"You've already said you are." She took another swig.

He sat knowing that he couldn't leave. Knowing that he couldn't make it up to her. Knowing that he had ruined everything.

"You've got a good right hook." She stated shocking him so much he jumped. She passed him the vodka. He took a mouthful despite himself and it made him cough.

"I didn't mean to…"

"I know. I know… Ste you don't have to explain. I know." She said firmly.

"I just…"

"Drink." She offered him the bottle again.

The bottle was passed between them until it was empty.

"You dare do that again and you'll be picking you're teeth up out of the gutter."

"I…" He spluttered.

"It's not okay. It's not fine. It's not alright that you did that…" She sighed heavily.

"I forgive you." He let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding.

"But let me make this perfectly clear I won't forget it." She paused. "Now there's a bottle of Sambuca in the cupboard and I'm in the mood to get hammered so if you wouldn't mind retrieving that, some shot glasses and a couple of cans of larger. I think we'll need them."


	22. Chapter 22

Thanks for your continued support.

* * *

He retrieved Laura some clean clothes to change into, turning his back while she changed. By the time he turned around she was lying on the cushions propped up.

He sat the bottle of Sambuca down on the coffee table along with the shot glasses he had to go back for the larger which was in the fridge.

They drank for a while, exchanging shots. He placed to glass in her hand every time because he couldn't bare to watch her wince.

He kept with the Sambuca but half way through she dropped out and started just drinking her larger.

"I'm always going to be like this." He stated. He didn't care that he was half, well three quarters, cut. "Always. It's me isn't it? This." He gestured to her cheek which was starting to bruise. "Always." He sighed and downed another shot. "You can't even say different."

"You've changed." She replied sipping her larger.

"Yeah." He spat. "I've really changed haven't I?" He snorted.

"You caught me off guard." She stated. "You know a few years ago I would have been ready for it but you blind-sided me."

"Ah you forgot what I'm like. What's in here." He tapped at his head. "What's under everything. Strip it away and I'm still a bastard."

"You are whatever you want to be." She stated.

He laughed bitterly.

"Nope. I'm the bastard child, who deserved what he got. Deserves nothing, should get nothing. Fuck's everyone's life up."

"Is this a personal self-pity party or can anyone join in?" She asked rolling her eyes.

"Don't fucking joke." He slammed his shot glass down.

"Oh fuck you Ste Hay. Nobody's perfect."

"Yeah but most people don't kick the shit out of people that care about them. That are trying to help." He snapped.

"We've all got our flaws." She sighed.

"You're pissed." No way if she were sober she would be saying that.

"Yep and I'm also a drug addict." She stated. "Forget about that did you? Forget that I'm not exactly the model of human behaviour despite my job. Practice what you preach and all that. I'm a hypocrite. I go and sit in a room full of people and tell them how to make their lives better. How drugs and alcohol aren't the solution when most days I still think they are. We are all flawed and we are all just trying to make it through the best we can. Make the best choices we can when there is a choice. Deal with life and everything it throws at us if we can."

"Big if."

"Defiantly." She sighed. "You do an excellent job keeping yourself in check most of the time but sometimes… Instinct kicks in. Fight or flight. You tried to walk and I stopped you forced you to fight and granted I thought it would just be a slanging match and I didn't think you'd hit me but..."

"There's never an excuse for hitting someone. I know that." He knew that. He had learnt that. He had learnt his lesson and yet he was still back here where he had promised himself he wouldn't. Never again.

"Ste stop being so hard on yourself all the time. Fine you hit me but you stopped. There are people I know who would have just kept going. You lashed out but you regained control. That is something."

His phone started ringing. He had no idea what time it was. How long they had been sat drinking.

"I wouldn't answer that if I was you. Not in this state."

He checked the ID. Jamie. He sighed. Nope. Not answering that call. Not now. He let it ring off.

"Jamie probably wondering where his dinner is." He sighed and switched his phone off.

"Or wondering where you are."

"I should go." He didn't move.

"I think you should sit there and drink some more and get this Cheryl thing under control before you go home to an upset boyfriend." Wise words. He didn't think he'd cope with Jamie's questions however valid.

"He'll be more upset if I don't go home." He replied.

"Send him a text. Tell him that you've got some stuff to sort out." She stated. "Then he won't worry as much and won't be as pissed off tomorrow morning."

He pretended to send a text from her position she couldn't see that the phone was off. He didn't want Jamie to worry but he wanted him to be angry with him. He didn't think too much about his reasons.

"So." She pointed at the invitation sat on the table. "I take it you're not going."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"Maybe." She cocked her head to the side. "Possibly."

"Why would I want to go and see her sat in her castle?" See her perfect life.

"Might help you to go and see her. Might be good to talk to her."

"After…"

"Yes Ste after what happened. I know you're still angry at her but maybe she needs to see you. Maybe she needs some closure because I'm sure this hasn't been easy for her knowing what she did. She killed a man, her father and her brother took the blame for her. Think about everything you've been through, and I mean everything and think for a moment you lost the love of your life to concrete walls but she lost her big brother."

"I'm not feeling sorry for her. She got what she wanted." He snapped.

"Don't you think that she'd change it if she could?"

"She could have."

"You didn't want her in prison either." She stated. "You could have put her behind bars and you didn't. Be angry at her for being part of why you lost Brendan but you don't blame her entirely because I know how hard you struggled with knowing who Brendan is, what he'd done."

"I knew." Some not all of them but he knew about Danny and that was the first so he had known from the beginning. And he knew about Walker. Wasn't naïve enough to think that was all of it.

"I know you did. Brendan chose to take the blame. You respected his wishes however much it hurt and you allowed Cheryl her life. It can't have been easy for her is all I'm saying because I saw some of how hard it was for you."

"You think I should go." He read between the lines.

"Do what you want but I think it would be good for you to talk to her."

"What if?" What if he goes sees her and her perfect life and loses his shit completely? "It's a Christening."

"So go early and talk to her before it and if it doesn't go well then you can leave."

"I can't just go to Ireland." He had a business to run. He had the kids to think about. "I've got too much to do here."

"It's not for another two months. You can organise cover for your shifts and you don't have to go for long. Do you want to?"

"I can't."

"That wasn't what I asked. Do you want to go?"

"What if it makes everything worse?" What if it made him worse? What if it…

"What if it makes things better?" She countered.

"What am I meant to tell Jamie? I can't just take off." He could actually now he thought about it. Jamie would be upset but he wouldn't stop him going.

"Take him."

"Now I know you're hammered." He replied because sober she would never have said that.

"Just think about it. You don't have to go. You don't have to take Jamie. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. But don't sit there and make excuses because we both know that if you wanted to see Cheryl you'd go and fuck the consequences." She downed the last of her can and placed on the floor next to the growing pile. "Right well I think there's another bottle of Vodka and since I'm not quite as drunk as I want to be, you are going to get it."

"Get it yourself."

"Injured." She smiled.

Guilt ripped through him again. She was hurt because he had hurt her.

"Oh no don't do that." She sighed. "Just go and get the bottle because I really am too drunk to be sensible."

"Drinking is just another way of running away."

She snorted and shook her head.

"Now is not the time to be kicking this shit up again."

He woke up on Laura's floor surrounded by empty cans. Empty bottles of spirits sat on the table along with shot glasses.

He looked up. Laura was lying still propped up on her sofa.

Her eyes was red and puffy, there was already a purple tinge to the skin.

His brain kicked in. He had to get up and move before he stared too long.

"I think something died in my mouth." Laura groaned and shifted on the sofa as Ste placed a cup down to the side.

He put down a sheet of ibuprofen.

"Time is it?" She asked wincing as she shifted and holding her ribs. She lifted her t-shirt a little to have a look. Her side was bruised. He felt sick looking at it. He felt sick looking at her black eye. He could barely look at her at all.

"Nearly six."

She picked up her cup, wincing and hissing took a mouthful and sighed before popping three pain killers out of the sheet.

"You're only meant to take two." He chastised.

"This is a three pain killer hangover." She replied swallowing them with another mouthful of coffee. "God. I need to ring my boss. Pass my phone, it's on the…"

He handed it to her having picked it up off the kitchen counter.

"Morning Harry, yeah I had a bit of an accident last night… I'm alright but I'll need a couple of days off. If you could get Jane to re-arrange my appointments, tell her I'll call Sammy direct and let him know… Yeah I will. I'll keep you in the loop. Thanks, bye." She was lying for him just like Amy used to.

"Take that look off your face. I'm hung over to fuck I'm not going to sit in an office all day. I'm in no fit shape."

"I'm sorry." He had to say it again.

"Can it. I don't want to hear it and if you're just going to beat yourself up about this then I'm going to have to get up and smack you over the head. It's done. It's over. The bruises will fade. It's not the first time I've had a kicking."

It was too fresh in his memory. He felt it. What it felt like to kick her. He ran to the toilet and threw up.

He walked back into the living room.

"The state of you. Jesus Christ. You working today?"

"Split shift. Morning and evening."

"Good luck with that cos you look like shit."

"You look worse." He kept his eyes firmly on the carpet. To where the blood had been.

"Really? You say the sweetest things." She replied.

"Why are you joking and laughing about this? I could have…" Killed you. It was on the tip of his tongue but the reality of that was too much. He couldn't say it.

"But you didn't. Yeah my ribs hurt and my face is sore but I'm fine."

"Stop trying to stop me feel better I don't deserve it."

"So you want me to come down on you like a tonne of bricks then? Because that way you'll feel less guilty? It won't work it'll just make it worse." She licked her lips. "I can't say anything that will make what you're doing to yourself right now any worse so what is the point? You apologised, I accepted that apology. I've drawn a line under it and you would be better stopping the guilt trip on yourself and concentrating on getting through today."

"I…"

"Bring me lunch if you want. You know that chicken noddle soup you make, well I want that. You better go or you'll be late."

"I'll bring it around one." He knew he wouldn't get any more out of her. She wouldn't listen to his apology. She wanted him to go to work and she wanted lunch all things considered, that wasn't too much or even anything to ask of him.

He walked down into the village. Grateful that he had his keys on him, that he had attached them to the flat ones because of the number of times he had needed to be at work when he wasn't supposed to. Between then Tony and himself had needed to swap shifts more than once a month and usually without notice.

He took in the cool breeze.

He wished he had had time for a shower. Even dropping home because he could smell vomit lingering on him although he didn't know if it was his clothes or because he had thrown up again not so long ago.

He opened up, thankful it was still early and he had time for a quick wash in the toilets and that he could change into his whites.

He made himself a coffee as strong as possible. His head was banging and he half considered not taking the pain killers he had in his pocket but then the idea of working all morning with a bad head wasn't one he wanted to consider even if he deserved worse.

"You're alive then." He hadn't heard Jamie enter.

"Looks like it." He mumbled.

"Too much to ask for a phone call, a text anything to say you were alright, that you couldn't make it home. No I suppose that was too easy." Jamie had every right to be pissed off at him, he embraced it. He needed someone to be angry with him. "Where were you?"

"Out." He knew how to force an argument.

"Anywhere nice?"

"It was alright." He shrugged.

"Oh it's like that is it? Okay I'll tell you what I'm going to work and I'll see you later." He turns and walks away.

He wonders why he thinks that Jamie will fight with him because that isn't them. It isn't Jamie's style. He'll back himself. Gets his point across. Gets upset. Gets angry but he doesn't fight. He just walks away and comes back later.

Jamie is like a wall and Ste gets tired before the wall crumbles. Fighting against a wall is completely pointless and utterly unsatisfying and he knows that is the point. That Jamie knows that if he argues back it will escalate instead he holds firm once Ste starts or he walks away before he can start. He had learnt that early on and it works so well that he has started walking earlier and earlier.

One day he walked in took one look at him and walked straight back out of the door because he had been able to see that he was going to kick off. He always came back but he gave him space to burn his anger out before he returned.

He makes it through his shift without serious incident although he had snapped at a few people but that's par for the course.

He puts special effort into making sure that Laura's soup is just right and he pours it into a container as Tony takes over the kitchen.

"Get a few hours' sleep you look tired." Tony stated as he was on his way out.

He takes his time walking to her flat because he said he'd drop it off at one and it's barely eleven but if he goes too slowly it won't be warm when he gets there.

He trudges up the stairs and reaches the door.

"… All he wants is dinner." He recognises Callum's voice.

"No all he wants is me to agree to dinner because then he knows that I'll cave when he asks me to work on the Shane deal because Rory fucked it up. Again." Laura sounded tired.

"You know the score. You keep tabs. Shane will only agree to the change in terms if you broker it like you did before."

He knew he wasn't meant to be hearing any of this but he stood and listened anyway.

"That was years ago."

"If Shabne goes to Drake then that's it your Dad is done. The Shenko deal is critical to his supply. If your Dad goes down you know it won't be pretty. Carson and White will both go after him."

"Don't fucking guilt trip me. Dad's business is not my problem."

"His life is though and you've sorted things before. I know you have because Joey told me you bailed Rory out with the Bulargian's last year."

It explained why she had dropped off the radar for a good two weeks in the middle of the kids summer holidays but between work, Jamie and the kids he had barely noticed until he went looking and found her at work. He had put it down to busy lives. Now though it seemed like he hadn't been paying enough attention.

"That was different."

"How?"

"Because if I didn't sort that out then…"

"Robert would have been ruined. Your Dad might be killed this time and you can stop it."

"Callum…"

"Come on Laura it'll be just like old times."

"I'm not that person anymore."

"You are you know you are. You can still rip through the bullshit and get the deal done just like always."

There is a silence and he decides that now is the time he should knock.

"Come in." Laura called.

"Oh you've got a fucking nerve." Callum is on him before he get through the door.

"Hoy. Pack it in." Laura states firmly. "Callum stop it. Now unless there is something else Ste has cooked me lunch."

"Least he can do." Callum spat but backed off him.

"I'm sure you're late for a meeting with your boss." She stated.

"Think about it." Callum said then left shutting the door harder than was nesscessary.

"You're timing could not be better." She sighed. She was still sitting on the sofa but she was sitting more upright.

"That sounded heavy." He stated because he didn't know what else to say without dropping himself in it.

"Callum… My Dad wants a favour and he's gone through Callum thinking that I'm more likely to agree if he does."

"I thought you walked away." He stated. Because she has always maintain that when Sean died she cut all ties. That she had walked away from that life and never gone back.

"I did doesn't mean I don't get dragged back in every so often."

"You never tell me." He told her everything and now he knew it didn't go both ways.

"It's not exactly a pleasant world my Dad deals in."

He knew that. He knew about her father.

"I don't need protecting."

She sighed heavily and closed her eyes.

"You want to know why I didn't tell you?"

He waited. He needed to know.

"Because I let myself get dragged back in. That I'm not strong enough to not do it. That I find myself involved back in a life that cost me everything because I can't let things just happen. My Dad is having problems and he's asked to see me because he knows that when push comes to shove I will give in and help him out despite everything in me wanting to tell him to go stick it."

"Callum's dragging you back in." He stated because he knew he was. Callum was a link to Laura's father, a link to that world. But he knew even removing him from the equation it wouldn't be enough but it could be a start.

"He's making it easier to get dragged back in." She agreed.

"Why keep seeing him if you know that?" She was the sensible one. She was the one who could read situations like the one she was in and tell the person involved that it wasn't healthy. It just seemed that it didn't work when she was the one in the situation.

"Because he has a great cock."

He spluttered then snorted.

"What?"

"I know. Swallow aren't I." She grinned then her smile faded. She shifted in her seat.

"He's like a taste of the danger without the risk. You know it's just friends with benefits."

She had told him plenty of times when he had angled that surely after five years they were more than that but time and time again she told him that they were using each other.

"Are you going to help your Dad?"

"It's family." She shrugged. "I'll keep to the sides and keep my head down."

"What would Sean think?" He felt like a twat. He had beaten her black and blue and now he was dragging up her dead fiancé.

"He'd think I'm an idiot. That I know better. That it's dangerous. That I'm on a slippery slope and that I know better. But he's not here and I know the risks." She gestured to the soup. "Is that still warm?"

"I don't think you should do it." He wondered if that meant anything to her.

"Yeah well I don't think I should either."

The soup was too cold for his taste but Laura didn't seem to mind. Flatly refusing any idea's he had of heating it up. She struggled to get through her bowl, handing him nearly all of what he had given her back.

It was his fault.

"Have you seen Jamie?" She asked shifting and wincing.

He nodded because watching her had brought a lump to his throat and stuck his tongue to the roof of his mouth.

"Thought anymore about that?" She pointed to the invitation.

He shook his head. He hadn't let himself.

"If you want you can crash for a few hours in my bed. You look knackered."

She looked worse.

"I should go home." To his own bed. Away from her and what he had done.

"Mine's closer to work than home. Go on. I've got some work to write up. I'll wake you in good time."

"You shouldn't be nice to me." He stated firmly. "You shouldn't just let this slide. Look at the state of you…"

He needed her punishment even though she had made it clear that she wasn't going to. That he was dishing out the only punishment. Maybe he should go and see Callum alone because he knows that he wouldn't even blink before knocking him into next week. That would be fitting.

"Ste. You're tired." She said firmly with a softness present though.

Getting Callum to beat him up could make things worse though. Laura would be angry with him. She would be annoyed with Callum too though and maybe that would be enough to break her out of whatever he was pressing her to do. Maybe he could kill two birds with one stone. Get his needed punishment and get Laura away from Callum. Maybe it would make things better.

She went to say something but he cut her off.

"Don't say that this will look better when I'm not because it won't."

"Possibly not but you need some sleep." She stated firmly and he did as he was told because he didn't want to argue with her. Not now.

He lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling.

He could go and see Callum after work. He would be at Cobra because he was nearly always there. Laura wouldn't know anything until he got back and then it would be done and she wouldn't be able to stop it.

He needed to be punished and he would be.

He pulled the covers over himself and closed his eyes.


	23. Chapter 23

Thank you for your reviews and for continuing to read this.

Author's note: A few tangents, well sub plots have come to mind and I may pursue them... This could end up scary long.

Anyway...

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A knock on the door woke him. He heard Laura shuffling to the door. Caught a glimpse as she opened it.

"Is he here?" Jamie. He recognised his voice.

"Yeah he's asleep." She sighed.

"What happened to you?"

"Do you want a coffee?" She didn't answer the question which was better than her lying for him.

"I'll make it. Go and sit down." He heard the kettle boiling. "Was he here last night as well?"

"Yeah."

"So when did that happen? Is that why his phone was switched off? Come on Laura don't block me out as well."

"I'm not."

"Well he is and when he is you always know the reason why."

"It's not my place to tell you."

"No, no that's right it's you and Ste. That's where the trust is. You know what's going on all the time whereas me. I'm just his boyfriend. You know when he has a problem or something is worrying him it's you he goes to not me. I should be the one he trusts with everything but even now he doesn't. Why is that?"

"I think you need to talk to Ste."

"I'm asking you… Why does he come to you and not me? What do you know that I don't? Because that's what this is all about. You know something that I don't."

He needed to get up and stop this. Jamie was taking it out on Laura when she had enough on her plate.

"You need to talk to Ste."

"Don't act all professional now Dr Ellington it's far too late for that."

"That's not professionalism that's friendship."

"Did you ring him? Ask him to come because Callum hit you or something?"

"What? No. Callum didn't hit me."

"Then who did?"

"I did." His voice was strained but he wasn't going to let Laura lie because she was going to have to.

"You?!" Jamie rubbed his face with his hands. "What am I missing here? You don't just hit someone for no reason and it must have been a good one to turn on her." There was slight distain in his tone for Laura.

"And don't bother trying to block me out because this is it Ste, make or break you either tell me everything or…"

"Or what?"

"Ste." Laura warned.

"I can deal with the fact you don't love me…"

"I do."

"No Ste you don't. I know that, I know you and I know how you love, it isn't how you love me and I can deal that because I love you anyway. It's enough. This is different though because I share my life with you but you're always holding back. There's nowhere for us to go if you don't let me in."

This is what Laura had warned him about. What he had known would happen. Jamie had taken five years to snap, longer than most and now he was faced with either telling him everything or him walking out of his life.

He wasn't sure which would be worse although right now telling him everything was looking as impossible as it always did. Something would do. Enough to keep him would do.

"Why did you hit Laura?" Jamie was looking for an answer.

"I lost control."

"Why?"

"You know my past."

"Yeah I do and I know you haven't hit anyone in years so why?"

"I…"

"Shut up Laura I'm talking to Ste. Why?"

He didn't know how to start.

"What happened yesterday? You went from wanting to meet in the Dog to not answering my calls so what happened between me leaving for work and you missing out lunch date?"

He still couldn't find the words so he walked to the table and picked up the invitation and handed it to Jamie.

"Who is Cheryl Tenbury-Newent?"

He's not ready. Five years of knowing each other and he's still not ready but if Jamie walks out that door he knows that he won't be back because Jamie isn't that person. He doesn't throw ultimatums around.

He likes the life he has and Jamie is right he doesn't love him the way he deserves but they are good together and the kids love him and Amy is so happy that he's with a decent bloke.

If Jamie walks he will be alone again. He doesn't think that's the end of the world anymore, knows he won't destroy himself if that happened because he isn't that person anymore. He's stronger. Jamie made him stronger, balanced him out and made him happy again. A task that many people would have run from. Most people would have given up on him as a lost cause. Wouldn't have bothered with him. Wouldn't put up with his shit. He didn't deserve him and Jamie didn't deserve to be kept in the dark.

If he was going to stay then he had to stay knowing at least part of it.

"Brendan's sister."

"Finally going to tell me?"

He licks his lips willing himself to find the right words but they've never been his friend. They always got mixed up. Never came out the way he wanted them to when he really needed them to. Except once. Once they had. Stood in that hospital room, pouring his heart out, they had come out right but the answer had still been wrong. His words still hadn't been enough.

"Brendan…" He sighed and turns around because he can't do this. He can't.

"Please Ste." Jamie isn't begging but he's pleading.

"Brendan…" He sighs and shakes his head at himself. "Brendan is in prison."

"Wh…" Jamie starts but shuts up and he needs him to.

"Brendan didn't leave me because he wanted to, I was dragged away by the police before they took him."

He wiped at his face he could still see it in his head. Still hear Brendan shouting at him. Still feel it. It ripped through him and he ran for the toilet. He gagged but nothing came up this time. He calmed himself down and walked back into the room a defeated man.

He leans against the wall and slides down, pulling his knee's up. He feels too vulnerable, too tired to stand there and take anything more, not when he can see Laura's face and what his anger does.

"Why don't you go and see him? It's prison not another country." Jamie asked and it a show of just how far he had kept him out.

"He cut all ties. I haven't seen him, haven't heard anything from him in over seven years." Seven years, a life time.

"And this is the secret that you keep for him?" Jamie turned to Laura who gave nothing away. "This is why you lost control because you were reminded of Brendan?" He sounded disgusted with him.

"No." That wasn't it, well it was but it wasn't.

"Tell me what happened then."

"It's complicated." He said and he felt like that nowhere near covered anything.

"When isn't it?"

He closed his eyes.

"Brendan told me to live my life, told Cheryl to as well. Just… I was doing as he told me and I… I lost it."

"That's no excuse."

He knew that. He knows that but he's not going to confront Jamie on that right now because he has a point.

"You don't know everything Jamie." Laura stated and winced because they both knew she had dropped him in it.

"No that much is very clear thanks for rubbing it in."

"Brendan hurt me." He had to get Jamie off Laura's case.

"I know that. It's written all over your face whenever his name is mentioned."

Jamie doesn't get it and he is going to have to make him.

"No… He _hurt_ me."

"He hit you?!"

He nodded and swallowed.

"He used to try and control me but this was years ago, years before we even got together properly." He had to make sure that Jamie didn't see him as a victim, even though he had been. Not third time round. They were equal when he walked into that hospital room. Even, square. That wasn't how they left.

"Jesus Ste." Jamie sat down and covered his face with his hands.

Laura gestured that she was going out. She showed him his keys before squeezing his shoulder and leaving.

"I'm sorry." All he seemed to do was apologise. "Jamie I'm sorry." He got to his feet and moved closer.

Jamie pulled him in and down wrapping his arms around him.

It was awkward. He wasn't quite on his knees but he wasn't standing. Jamie dropped his head into the gap between his neck and his collar bone kissing him lightly.

"You don't need to be sorry." He whispered. He sat back and Ste moved with him ending up on his lap.

"I should have told you sooner." Never would have been preferable but now he had there was a weight lifted, an easing of the tension between them even though he hadn't told him everything. Had left out the worst of it because that was his. His to hold onto and his to keep.

"You told me." Jamie kissed him again. "I sorry you went through that."

It shouldn't have meant much but it did. It was coming from a man who loved him. Jamie didn't know everything but he still loved him.

They sat holding each other close.

"What happened with Laura?" Jamie asked into his hair.

Peace deserted him and guilt descended.

"She's forgiven you." It was a statement.

"Yeah… Just forgave me." It was not so easy to forgive himself.

Jamie frowned, took a deep breath and Ste could see him trying to understand but he couldn't. He couldn't understand because he hadn't had their lives. Hadn't been on the receiving end, hadn't dished it out. Didn't hate himself the way they did for all the things they had done wrong. That he and Laura understood each other because they had both hurt others as much as they had hurt themselves.

Jamie could never understand the darkness and Ste never wanted him to.

They settled back down keeping each other close.

Jamie wasn't moving. Wasn't leaving. A part of him gnawed away. Jamie should be leaving, because he didn't deserve anyone as understanding, someone who tried with him. He deserved to be alone for his crimes but Jamie pulled him tighter and he ignored the hate filled voice because he knew that Jamie leaving wouldn't be the soul destroying punishment. It would hurt Jamie more than it would hurt him and Jamie didn't deserve that.

"Were you close to Cheryl?"

The question shocked him even though it was said at barely more than a whisper.

"She was my best friend for a while. I worked for her at the club." Before…

There's a shift and he's relieved.

Jamie gives him a look, a glint in his eyes.

"You were a barman?" Jamie gave him a smile. "Bet you got a lot of tips. Gorgeous thing like you." He nudged him and smiled brightly.

"Did alright." He shrugged.

"I bet." Jamie kissed him gently. "Come home tonight."

"I'll be late." He wouldn't be finished to gone one.

"Come straight home. I'll get Paul to open up tomorrow. I think we could do with a bit of time together. Talk though all this."

He didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"Talk? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?"

"Ste Hay you are a sexy little minx but you can't distract me with promises of orgasms."

"Really?" He wriggled a little and Jamie sighed and shook his head.

He could see the change. Jamie became serious.

"I… If you wanted to tell me about you and Brendan then I'd listen." He didn't mean to pull away but he didn't want to talk about Brendan with Jamie. He had been forced enough for one day. "Or we could just sit and watch a film. Just a bit of quiet time together."

He nodded.

He didn't deserve Jamie. Didn't deserve his love. Shouldn't be soothed by him when he had so much he needed to be punished for but he felt shaky. Felt sore. Raw. He wasn't ready for his punishment, not yet.


	24. Chapter 24

Thanks for your very kind reviews.

As a reward… (That is questionable given the contents of this chapter) Two chapters in one day again.

Right, I split this chapter because I reckon it ends on a bit of a cliff-hanger and well even though I hate doing it, I do like a good cliff-hanger.

Warnings: Erm where to start? Swearing. Disturbing themes. Drugs. Psychological torture.

It's pretty heavy.

* * *

He found himself doing Laura's shopping one afternoon when he decided he was ready.

She had gone back to work and was walking around as normal, as if she didn't have a massive black eye. She wasn't fazed by the looks she received. She didn't seem to care. But she was struggling with her ribs, struggling to lift things, to sit all day. She had let it slip that she had cancelled a few of her appointments. He had insisted that he get her shopping because he didn't want her carrying bags back to her flat in the state she was in, the state he had put her in.

He had been a coward. He had gone back to the flat to Jamie instead of going to see Callum. He had put off and put off doing what he needed to do to make things right in his own head because… Because he was a coward and he was scared of taking a beating like he had handed out.

Well he was done with hiding. He was ready.

It took a few days between his shifts and Jamie's insistence that they spend a bit more time together but finally he got the chance to go to Cobra and see Callum. He thought about getting his name added to the guest list but Callum would be in the VIP section and he didn't have the grand to spend on getting in. Instead he walked up to the bouncers and asked to see Mr Taylor, that he wasn't expecting him but that if they told him who it was that Mr Taylor would see him.

"I thought I was going to have to come looking for you." Callum stated.

He had lead him up the stairs but instead of turning left they kept going. He had to assume they were in the general club as they walked out of the stairs and onto a level with thumping music and an impressive lighting display.

Callum kept to the side and he followed him around and under the DJ booth, through a door and into a corridor. The music throbbed through the floor but as soon as the door was shut it was just the vibrations of the bass making the noise.

He followed along the corridor then entered the room as Callum kept the door open for him. He stepped inside.

It was an office. Grey walls. There was a frame on the wall and he recognised Laura's style in the piece. Massive glass topped desk with paperwork piled on it. A couple of filing cabinets.

The door clicked shut and Callum walked around him and across the room to his desk.

"Not important enough for an office upstairs?" He asked. He wanted to get under Callum's skin. Wanted him to hate him.

"You don't know anything about me." Callum stated leaning back against the desk. "You don't know who I am, you know nothing about me." He smirked and Ste felt a pit form in his stomach. He has got this wrong. He recognised that stance. That look. He was in the lion's den, had walked in without realising. "What do you know? What has Laura told you?"

"A bit." Not enough obviously.

"Did she tell you that I have a special method of body disposal? I don't suppose that ever came up." He'd come here to get a kicking from his friend's boyfriend or friend with benefits or whatever. He'd never considered that Callum was more than that. Never thought that it could go this way.

"You see Laura, she know things about me that would make you piss your pants."

"Then you don't know me or what I've done." Blag it. He had to blag it. He didn't want Callum to see that he knew he was in trouble. But he didn't think that Callum would even care given the look on his face.

"I know you gave Laura a pasting." He pursed his lips and shook his head at him. "Hitting women your style is it? Don't take on men. Maybe it's because you're gay. Maybe you hate women that much... I don't care why just to make myself clear. I just care that you laid hands, well your boot on her and you know that I have to make you pay for that."

That's what he had wanted walking but now he's not sure he can handle what Callum could throw at him.

"Time was she would have sorted you out but she doesn't seem inclined but I am." He smiled, it was cold and calculated. "You came to me. I have to applaud your bravery, it's a fine line. A fine line between bravery and stupidity. You crossed it. Coming here you crossed that line." He leaned over his desk and pulled out a draw. He found himself backing off. "I don't like guns don't worry." He hadn't even considered that possibility. He wanted a beating, he didn't want to be killed. "Knives are so much quieter." Callum lifted a vicious looking clever up. He holds it up, watching it closely as he moves it in the office light.

"Laura tells me you have children. That you." He spat. "Have brought life into this world… That shouldn't be allowed."

He found the door handle to his back. He was going to have to run. He turned the handle but it didn't budge.

"Scared now are we?" Callum was so calm. It was the calmness that was getting to him. Calm and confident. Completely sure what he was doing. Like he had a plan. Like he knew exactly what he was going to do to him. "You should be." Callum nodded. "Strip."

"You what?"

"Take off your clothes."

His head spun in confusion.

"I'm not going to cut you up while you're still dressed I can't see the lines."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It was all he could think.

"Now." Callum stated firmly moving the knife again. Menace. It was pouring out of him with every movement.

He jolted into action. His hands were shaking so badly he could get a grip on his t-shirt. Couldn't grip anything but he forced his shirt over his head. He looked up to see Callum miming knife strikes with the blade.

He was fucked. Totally and utterly completely fucked. He had bitten off far more than he could chew, could even hope to swallow.

"You know I don't usually get personally involved in this anymore. It's a shame because seeing you now like this… It brings back fond memories."

He couldn't undo his belt and he had to because he didn't know what Callum would do if he didn't hurry up. Callum had that air. That intimidation, calculation, complete ability to terrorise without raising his voice never mind his fist.

Finally his hands did as they were told and he dropped his jeans and his boxers. He wasn't going to make the mistake of not following Callum's exact orders.

He felt more vulnerable than he had in his entire life. He was at this man's mercy, naked, shaking. It was taking everything he had to keep control of his bladder.

He was so far under that he couldn't even guess at how far he'd have to go to get back, if there was even a way back.

"Very nice." Callum stated. He was looking over his body.

"You're… Straight." He spluttered.

Callum shook his head and gave him a sad smile, a pitying smile.

"I'm have an artistic eye. I appreciate beauty in many forms, all forms. And you are beautiful. Ugly on the inside. But the skin, your skin is beautiful." He moved closer, the knife held out.

He flinched when the metal touched his skin.

"Hey, hey don't cry." Callum said gently.

He didn't even realise he was but now he could feel the tears. Feel the heaves of his chest. He was breathing so heavily almost panicking. He hadn't even noticed he was on the verge until he did.

"You deserve so much more than this but I can't inflict those horrors on you. I am limited by human weakness. The human body can only take so much pain before it gives out." He turned abruptly around and headed back to a filing cabinet and reached into the third draw down. He pulled out a bottle of clear liquid.

"I don't want you to miss any of this so…" Callum poured out some of the bottle into a tumbler. He walked back over to him, glass in hand. "Drink."

"What…"

"You don't need to know. But it will keep you awake, slow your heart so you don't bleed out too quickly. Make sure you don't miss a thing." He was smiling. The bastard was smiling.

What the fuck had he done? Why the fuck had he come here?

Punishment. He wanted punishment and he was going to get it, worse than anything he had imagined. He hadn't expected this. Hadn't wanted this. He bite his tongue so hard it bleed into his mouth. He had made mistakes in his life and this one was going to top the lot.

"Drink." Callum pushed the cup into his hand but it was shaking so badly he was in danger of dropping it. He should drop it. But there's a bottle of the stuff sitting on the desk and it's only going to make Callum angry. But fuck him. He was off his fucking rocker and he was going to kill him so fuck him.

He threw the tumbler at Callum. It splashed all over his shirt and jacket.

Callum shook his head walked back to his desk and poured more into the glass. He kept the knife up this time when he approached. He used the back to press into his neck.

"You're only prolonging the inevitable. Take your medicine." Callum stated and pressed the blunt edge into his throat. "Drink." The pressure was released and he drank because he didn't have a choice. He thought about spitting it out but the cleaver was gleaming.

"You'll start to feel it quickly. Your panic will get it into your blood stream quicker." Callum stated nodding. "Your heart will start to slow down, you'll start to feel woozy." He was smiling.

"You're sick." He managed to say because if he's going to be cut up into… He doesn't finish that thought.

"But I don't beat women into a pulp so which of us is worse really?"

That was non-starter. He didn't have a fucking cleaver in his hand.

"You."

"Now, now Ste." Callum mocked a hurt look then licked his lips. "You want this. You want me to do this." Callum's breath is in his ear. "You're the sick one. The one that came here of his own free will. You wanted this."

His head is swimming. He doesn't know what was in the drink but it's strong. Stronger than anything he's ever taken and it's taking over everything. His body, his mind, everything is drifting. He can't get a grip. Can't think. Can't move. Can't do anything and Callum is right there. His face close. His breath against his cheek, or at least he thinks it is because everything is messed up. He's messed up. And he's messed up for the last time.

He reaches for a memory of his kids, but comes up with nothing but a faint image that he can't grasp. He tries for anything. To remember anything. To remember his own name.

"You wanted punishment for your sins, well I'm your deliverance." Callum stated and it rings around his brain but he can't process it, what it means.

He closes his eyes as the room spins, makes him dizzy, dizzier. He feels weaker and weaker like there's nothing holding him up, but there must be... He hits the floor without feeling it, he's just there.

Callum isn't on him anymore. He's away from him, he's pulling out plastic sheets. Why... His idled brain can't put it together.

Clarity hits him like a freight train just before he falls into the blackness that has been threatening to overtake him.


	25. Chapter 25

He wakes up with a pounding headache. He tries to open his eyes but even behind his eyelids the world is too bright. He's lying down. He's lying down on a bed. He frowns and an ice pick of pain erupts in his forehead. It's soft. Everything is soft. He lets himself drift off.

He wakes to voices. Loud voices. He still can't bring himself to open his eyes. So he lies in the wonderful softness and listens to the noise that may well split his head wide open.

"… I scared him a bit." He knows that voice.

Everything comes back and knocks him sideways.

"I don't know why you're even upset. He came to me. You've seen him there's not a scratch on him."

"That's not the point you fucking twat!" Laura.

He's in Laura's bed. He can smell it now. He's at Laura's flat.

Laura who was arguing with Callum. Callum who had...

"I told you I wouldn't hurt him and I didn't. I don't know why you're getting so upset you've done far worse."

"Like when?"

"Claire Scott."

"That wasn't like this."

"Don't play the saint here because we both know that's not who you are."

"You didn't need to fucking drug him."

"It was that or I knocked him out and you didn't want him hurt."

"I didn't want you to do anything at all!"

He begins to realise what happened. Callum was never going to kill him, never going to chop him up. He had just wanted to scare him as his revenge for what he had done to Laura.

It was his punishment.

His stomach rolled, he tried to breathe through it.

"He came to me."

"Like that makes a difference."

"I don't understand why you're mad. He's here. He's safe. He's fine."

Safe. He is safe. He is safe and alive and he has a head that feels like it's going to explode all over the room. But he's not dead. And he's not having body parts removed with that cleaver.

Relief washes over him, then stops.

Fucking hell. Events slot into place in his mind.

Callum was just pretending… Well he wanted to personally give him an Oscar after knocking him over with a car. The bastard. It had been an act but he knew that it wasn't a hard part for Callum to play. That he wasn't pure as the driven snow, far from it.

"Your definition of fine needs some fucking work."

"You know it might not have been this way. I could have…"

Exactly that. He could have followed through. He had been at Callum's mercy. He could have done anything to him and no one would have ever found his body.

"Do not start down that fucking road… You fucking terrorised him."

"I didn't have to tell you."

"Oh because I wouldn't have found out. You only told me because you didn't know if he would or not so you played it safe. Well congratu-fucking-lations well done. I'm so happy that you decided not to lie to me."

"I don't need to justify myself to you."

"No as a rule you don't but did you think I'd be happy about this?"

"No. But I did what needed to be done. He hit you. Kicked you. Made you bleed and in our world…"

"Our world? It's not our world it's your world."

"Will you stop with this fucking bollocks? You are just as much a part of it as me. It's in your blood… Alright fine I possibly shouldn't have gone as far as the plastic sheets."

Plastic sheets to stop blood stains. To keep his office clean. Who the hell kept them in their office on the off chance? He didn't. They were there because they were needed. God… He wonders how many… Then stops because he doesn't want to think about it.

"You didn't? Oh God you did. Callum fucking Christ. You can't do that shit to people."

"I am sorry that you think I crossed the line with him but he wanted to be punished for what he did and I didn't see the harm in giving him a fright. Ok I might have gone a little far but I was never going to hurt him."

"He didn't know that."

He had been scared out of his fucking mind. Thought he was going to die.

"That would be the point. Can't scare someone if they know it's a bluff."

"Get out."

"Laura."

"No get out. I can't deal with this shit right now. Get out."

He heard the door shut, even though it was a click it went straight through him.

He can hear her pacing. She's muttering but he can't hear what's she's saying.

Callum's gone. The argument is over and he's tired. So tired. Too tired.

"Hey." Laura. She's nudging him gently. "Ste?"

His head isn't as bad. Down to a dull ache. He generates a bit of saliva and swallows.

"You need a new fuck buddy because that one is off his trolley." His voice is wrecked. He shifts and rolls onto his back. Pushing himself up until he's sat against the headboard. His head throbs and so do his muscles.

Laura hands him a cup of sweet tea. He's still shaky but he manages to drink a sip before she takes it back because they both know he can't put it down for himself.

"I'm sorry." She keeping her voice down. "Christ I'm sorry he did that."

"I thought he was going to…"

"Yeah." She sighs softly. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry? He did it not you."

"I know but I just feel responsible for what he did." He feels her weight shift on the bed.

"It was my fa…"

"No it wasn't. Ste it really, really wasn't your fault at all. He… He doesn't think. He's… God he's so wrapped up in that world."

He knows that world. He's been to it but he didn't realise how much he actually did know until he was faced with it again.

"It's ok."

"I should hang him by the balls for this." Her voice raises and he winces.

"I'll help."

"Thought you might want to." She smiled. "How are you feeling?"

"Head hurts a bit... Alright I suppose. Better than being dead. Do you know what he gave me?"

"No, not exactly but at a guess GHB or Ketamine maybe a combination. I didn't ask. I ring him and find out if you want?"

He didn't care what it had been. He never wanted to take it again.

"How did I end up here?" Here, dressed, in her bed.

"He turned up with one of his blokes, put you in bed and told me what he did."

"You were arguing."

"Yeah we had a bit of a set to." She shrugged like it was nothing… Because she trusts Callum. She knows him, knows what he is capable of and isn't scared or at least doesn't show it or act it. Maybe she sometimes gets that twitch that he used to get with Brendan or maybe she knows she can handle him and knows

"Why did you go to see him Ste?" He can tell that she's angry with him but she's trying to hide it. If he didn't know as he does he wouldn't have picked up on it.

"You've been so fucking nice to me and I couldn't… I can't bare it. I needed to make it right."

"By going to see a man who you know is a… criminal." That wasn't what she was going to say. He isn't sure what she was going to call Callum but it certainly wasn't a criminal.

"I didn't think he would be… I thought that I'd go and see him and he'd hit me. Tit for tat. I never thought that it could go that way." He was shaking again. He can still see the look on Callum's face. That was the face of a murderer. Of someone who could have chopped him into little pieces, could've tortured him while killing him. But didn't.

"You thought you had control. That you knew what was going to happen."

He did. He thought he knew exactly how it would play out.

He knew that Callum was a criminal. That he was the right hand man of a drug dealer. Knew what that meant. Knew that world and what people did to each other in it and yet he had been stupid enough to think that he had control. That he knew what Callum was capable of because Laura was sleeping with him and he didn't think… She had told him about her past and maybe he hadn't really believed her, hadn't really taken it in.

"_There is a fine line between bravery and stupidity. You crossed it."_ Callum's voice rings around his head…

"Yeah."

"Your desire to pay for what you did completely outweighed any thought you had about the potential situation you could find yourself in."

"Don't do that." He didn't want her analysing him.

"Ste you got yourself into a really dangerous situation. If you hadn't gone to Callum what would you have done? Got beaten up by some random? Gone looking for a beating?"

No. He wasn't stupid.

"I went to Callum because I thought I would be safe with him." Safe was relative. But he knew that Callum wouldn't want to upset Laura so he wouldn't kill him, that he'd show restraint. And yeah he hadn't realised that at the time but now looking back he was right.

"I was, wasn't I?" He stated because he was still alive and Callum hadn't killed him.

Laura took a very deep breath and sighed, shaking her head.

"I was right." He pushes because he was and he wants her to see that.

"You could have been so fucking wrong."

"But I wasn't." He's right and she knows his is.

"Just be pleased that you were. Be pleased that he's scared of what I'd do to him if he had hurt you."

"Arrr would you have killed him?" He jokes, though thinking about it maybe it's the wrong thing to say.

"There are worse things you can do to a man than kill them." She replied, ice cold.

He's tempted to ask what she would have done but he's not sure he's going to like the answer.

"Have you got my phone?" He asked. He needed a change of subject.

"Yeah." She reaches onto the floor next to the bed and hands it to him.

He flicks the screen to life and frowns. Nothing. No missed calls. No texts. Nothing.

There was no reason for Tony to ring him because he had arranged to have the day off ahead of time because he had thought he'd be nursing some wounds and hadn't wanted to mess anyone around. Booking days off to recover from a beating ahead of time. He almost laughed at how ridiculous he was. How much he had had planned.

Nothing from Jamie though.

The screen said it was past ten in the morning and he hadn't been home.

"Did you ring Jamie?" He asked because maybe Laura had rang and let him know that he was at her's and wouldn't be home.

"Shit sorry I was a bit busy tearing strips out of Callum and worrying that he'd OD'd you. You in trouble?"

He didn't know. Jamie usually rang or text if he wasn't home when he said he would be. But then it hadn't been too long since he had turned his phone off and stayed at Laura's so maybe Jamie just assumed that's where he was.

"I should get home." He feels a dread in his stomach because Jamie always rang.

Why wouldn't he ring?

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and his head spun violently.

"Easy. It'll take a while for that shit to wear off." Laura warned. "Take it slow."

He tries to stand but ends up sitting back on the bed. His legs feel like jelly.

"Maybe you should get some more sleep."

"I need to get home." He replied annoyed with his body for being so weak.

"Ok." She offers her hand and he uses it to stand then the balance himself. "Slowly." She stated as he starts walking. The more he's vertical to better he feels. By the time he reaches the front door he feels good enough to walk home.

"I'll see you later." He doesn't want Laura there when he gets home. He doesn't know what he's going to find. Jamie always rang. Maybe… There were so many possibilities.

By the time he reached the bottom of the stairs he was ready for a breather so he pulled his ohone from his pocket and pulled up Jamie's number.

"This is Jamie leave a message, I'll get back to you." His phone was off.

He rang his work number.

"Hollyoaks garage, Paul speaking."

"Paul it's Ste is Jamie there?"

"No. He rang me this morning told me he'd put the key's through my door and said he might not be in the rest of the week. What's going on Ste?"

What sort of boyfriend didn't know that his boyfriend had taken the rest of the week off? He was going to look like a twat if he didn't lie.

"It's personal. I just thought he might have popped in."

"Not here mate."

"Thanks bye."

He had to get home.

He was out of breath by the time he got to the flat. He opened the door.

"Jamie?" He called.

Nothing. Silence.

Maybe he was at his flat? He had rented a room out maybe Mark had needed Jamie for some reason.

He rang that number.

"Hello?"

"Mark it's Ste is Jamie there?"

"Here? Jamie?" Mark laughs. "Mate I don't think I've seen him in two months, didn't even know he still classes this as his home."

"Oh… I… I just thought he might be there."

"Nope."

"Alright thanks."

Where the fuck is he?

He tries his mobile again. It still goes straight to voice mail.

He walks into his bedroom wondering if he's going to find his clothes gone. They're not. Everything is still there.

He sends a text message asking Jamie to call him as soon as he get it and it hits him. This is what Jamie felt like when he didn't come home. When he didn't know where he was.

The panic in his gut that maybe he's not alright. Maybe there's something wrong. Maybe he's been hit by a bus. Or had an accident. Or is in hospital. Or maybe… He can't keep running through the possibilities it'll drive him mad.

He'll have to wait. But he's already restless, knows that he won't be able to settle until he knows Jamie's alright. He craves a distraction but he's too weak and washed out to do much of anything. Certainly nothing useful.

He sits himself on the sofa, switches on the TV, puts his mobile on the side of the chair and waits.


	26. Chapter 26

Thank you for your reviews they mean so much to me. Thank you to everyone following this story and those that have added it as a favourite.

* * *

He must have drifted off because it's dark when he wakes up. There's an awful crick in his neck. He should have bought that new sofa instead of putting it off again. He's barely there anyway so what was the point? Jamie had offered to pay for it but it was his home and if he wanted a new sofa he would buy it for himself.

He checks his phone. It's past eleven and still nothing from Jamie.

There's no point in ringing him again. He's left his messages. It's up to Jamie to ring him.

His stomach rumbles reminding him he hasn't eaten in over a day.

He wishes that he bothered to shop properly instead of living on take-aways and whatever he eats at Ill Nosh because there is very little in the fridge. Jamie puts whatever he wants in but it's all pretty much ready meals. He finds for cheese in the side draw and a couple slices of bread left from a loaf that was very nearly ready to be chucked.

Cheese on toast? He looks in the cupboard where he tries to keep at least some carrots and potatoes. There's some onion… He checks the can cupboard and finds some beans and sausages.

Beans and Sausage's on toast since he's not sure how his stomach will react to something strong like cheese and onion.

It doesn't take long until he's got it on a plate. He eats about half then he feels full so he puts the rest in the bin and washes up.

It's gone half eleven so he decides to go to bed. He's got the lunch shift tomorrow although he wants to go in a bit early and do some prep.

He checks his phone again before placing it on the bedside table and getting undressed.

His phone is ringing. It's still dark outside.

"'ello." He coughs to clear his throat.

"Ste." Jamie and he sounds terrible.

He's awake in an instant. He can hear traffic.

"Jamie are you okay?"

There's a long pause. He can hear Jamie trying to get his breathing together.

"No… Not really." He sounds like he's going to break down any second.

"What happened?" He has to be gentle but he needs to know what's going on.

"A car accident… Mum's dead. She's dead Ste." He does breakdown and Ste feels a lump in his throat.

"Where are you?" How the fuck he's going to get there isn't his first concern.

"Liverpool Royal… She was fine. Talking. She was even joking… There was… She was bleeding into her brain… They tried but she died."

He doesn't know what to say. He thinks he should be saying he's sorry but he knows that it doesn't help.

"Dad's in intensive care." Jamie sounds a bit more together. "They had to take his leg… They couldn't save it… They don't know if he'll even wake up. God Ste… It's just such a mess."

He needs to channel Amy because she was always the one of them who was good in a crisis. Maybe he's learning but he's not up to her standards.

"Hey, hey. I'll be there as soon as I can." How he hasn't got a clue but he will get there. "Jamie." He pauses to make sure Jamie's listening. "I'm sorry about your Mum. I will be there soon okay?"

"Yeah…" He sounds empty as he hangs up.

How the fuck is he going to get to Liverpool? It's three in the morning.

Laura doesn't have a car she only ever get a hire car when she needs one. It's too early to ring Doug not that he would…

"Laura does Callum have a car?"

"Ste it's three in the morning." She groaned.

"Does he have a car?"

He hears movement and Callum's voice. That was a quick turnaround. He didn't think Laura would be such a soft touch when she had been upset about what he had done.

"What do you need it for?" She asked.

"I need to get to Liverpool Hospital. Jamie's parents…" He stops. "I need to get there."

He hears a muffled conversation.

"He'll lend it to me." There's another conversation that he can't hear. "He'll drive you there. Do you want picking up or are you coming here?"

"Can he pick me up?"

"Yeah he'll be there in five. Ring me if you need anything."

He waits outside the flat hopping from foot to foot.

Callum rolls up in a Aston Martin DB9. He admires the beauty of the car for all of a second before he gets into the passenger seat.

Callum get them out onto the Motorway in double quick time.

"Didn't think you'd be so quick to get into a car with me alone?" He looks less intimidating in Jeans and t-shirt than he does in his tailored suits. It resonates with him. Reminds him of someone else. He shuts that down immediately because Jamie is the one who needs him right now and he's not going to be half missing because he's distracted by Brendan.

"Some things are more important." He knows that Callum isn't going to hurt him for sure now. He's not ashamed he saw him naked, scared because he knows that anyone would be. He didn't embarrass himself too badly anyway.

"How did you talk Laura round?" He wonders because that could prove useful information to have.

"I went round to hers and told her not to throw away what we have and she took me back into her bed."

He looks at him sceptically because he knows fine well that Laura would have told him to fuck off.

Callum looks like he's going to hold out on him.

"I begged." He shakes his head. "I got down on my knees and begged her… Literally."

"Really?" He can't imagine a man like Callum begging anyone for anything.

"That and I had a bunch of black roses and a bottle of that perfume she likes so much which I didn't realise cost a fortune, not that the money matters."

"You must care a lot about her to do that."

"I love her." Callum's honesty is shocking. "Always have. It wasn't love at first sight more like love at first argument. There's nothing like arguing with her."

He frowns at that.

"She's like death of a thousand cuts then she really goes in for the kill, cuts your legs out from under you, and stabs you in the heart. It's amazing." He glances at him. "The way her mind works." He blow out a breath and shakes his head.

"If you love her why are you trying to get her back involved with her Dad?"

"I'm not as it happens. Roberts involved in stuff I don't want her near but that's not my decision it's hers. I don't tell her someone else will. You don't just walk away clean from your past, especially not when your families involved."

He knew. Laura had made it clear that it was a deep pit and she could sit on the ledge and look down, look off away from the ledge but she couldn't clear the danger completely.

"Just so we're clear if she gets hurt I'll come after you." He said it and he meant it. He doesn't care if Callum's a murderer or not he'd find a way.

Callum seemed to look at him for a long while then nodded.

"You raise your fist to her again and I'll finish what I started."

"Fine by me." He'd been warned as if he even needed to be.

Callum drops him at the entrance and tells him to ring Laura if he needs another lift.

He hates hospitals. Really hates them. Except for holding Lucas for the first time and when the doctors confirmed that Leah was fine despite being born on the kitchen floor. That's it. Every other visit had been horrible and he's got a long memory of all the times he's been in as a patient.

He tries to ring Jamie but his phone is off.

He walks up to the front desk and the woman points him towards intensive care.

He's not sure what to expect when he walks onto the unit but he just wants to find Jamie. He sees John and Gillian first. Gillian is barely holding herself together, tears are rolling down her cheeks. She offers a small smile and hugs him, he holds her gently ignoring the part of him which freaks out because he really doesn't know Jamie's family well enough to be hugging them. He has missed just about every family gathering because of work or the kids or an excuse except Boxing day each year they've been together.

"I'm sorry." He says and John nods to him.

"Jamie's crashed out in the relative's room." John said and pointed him in the direction. "Luke's with him." He's warning him. The ex is here.

He nods and walks along the corridor.

It's the smell that really gets to him. It's too much disinfectant. That and the overly warm air. He's only got a light jacket on and he's sweating.

He opens the door carefully. He looks inside and closes his eyes.

Jamie's laying on Luke's lap, body curled up on the sofa while Luke strokes his hair.

He grits his teeth. Now is not the time, Steven. He thinks and opens his eyes again.

"He's asleep." Luke whispers.

"I'm Ste." He keeps his voice down.

"Nice to meet you." Luke's eyes return to Jamie's sleeping form.

He forces a smile. If he grits his teeth any harder they're going to shatter. It's on the tip of his tongue to ask where his wife is but that would be so far out of line he can't do it especially when Jamie's got enough on his plate. He really doesn't need Ste kicking off at his ex, especially when it seems that his ex is offering so much comfort.

He needs to take a walk but he needs to tell Jamie he's there. Can't wake him though.

"Wouldn't mind getting me a coffee would you mate?" If he didn't hate Luke from what he had heard about, never mind the position he's currently in, then in those words it takes him all the way.

"Course not." Good boy, Steven. "Milk? Sugar?"

"Black and two sweeteners please. Square it later? Don't want to wake him."

"Yeah no problem." He deserves a fucking medal. He backs out of the room and closes the door gently. The urge to kick it is strong but if he does then he might wake Jamie and he'd give himself away to Luke.

He manages to get down the corridor past John and Gillian who ask for tea since he'll look like a proper wanker if he doesn't offer. John offers to give him a hand.

"I thought you would have come in with Jamie as soon as we heard." Fuck. How's he going to get out of this? He doesn't know why Jamie didn't tell him. Phone him. Even text him.

"Bad signal." He's a class A, grade A idiot. It's been decided. He really is a complete fucking twat.

"Please don't lie to me Ste, not now. He only called you after Mum died. That's why you've only just got here."

He licks his lips, thinks about lying and decides against it, nodding instead.

"How did Luke know?"

"Gillian rang him. Luke was very close to our parents. I told her not to but Gillian…" He sighs and shakes his head. "She didn't think."

"Understandable." He shrugged.

He grateful that he had picked up his wallet on the way out of the door. He pays for the coffees and teas. Thinks about putting sugar instead of sweetener in Luke's coffee but decides against it. He's better than that. He should just… He snorts to himself. Violence in a hospital. He's… No he's not better than that but he's older and wiser.

"Are you and Jamie alright?" John asked and he was serious.

"I don't know." He sighed and banged his head off the machine.

"Rough patch?"

"Could say that." He doesn't even know. They were fine and now they apparently weren't and he didn't know when that happened.

"Don't let Luke get to you alright. You and Jamie have five years together, everyone has their ups and downs." John squeezes his shoulder and picks up two cups. "Besides I like you more than I ever liked Luke anyway." He smiles.

Christ, he is a big brother. Here he is in a hospital with his mother dead and his father in intensive care and he's giving pep talks to his younger brother's boyfriend.

Gillian's husband was there when they got back. Arms wrapped around her as she sobbed into his chest. He offered a brief smile.

John gave him an encouraging smile as he headed down to give Luke his coffee.

Jamie was awake he was murmuring something to Luke when he entered.

"Hey." He gave Luke his coffee and sat down next to Jamie.

"You didn't have to come. I know you're busy." Jamie said. There was no malice in his tone, just tiredness.

Did Jamie really think he wouldn't come?

He was about to reply: never too busy for you but Jesus wasn't that the biggest lie he'd ever tell.

"I want to be here with you."

"How did you get here so quick? The buses aren't running."

"You don't drive then." Luke's voice is grating on him.

"I do but I assumed you had the car so I asked Callum for a lift."

"Who's Callum?" He can tell from this moment on that he's going to have to bite the inside of his mouth and sit on his hands to prevent himself from smacking the bastard.

"He's my friend's boyfriend." Fuck buddy isn't a term to be used in front of a man like Luke who infer all sorts of things.

"Laura come too?" There's an edge to Jamie's tone.

"No she's got an AA meeting early. Well now really." It was Thursday so she did have an AA meeting, when he didn't have a clue but it was right as far as he could remember.

"Bit of a boozer is she?" Luke's a bastard. A complete and utter tosser. What the fuck did Jamie ever see in him except his fat wallet and… He has to admit he's fit. A complete arsehole but very attractive.

"No she's the councillor as it happens." He needs a round of applause for getting that out without bite.

"Luke can you give us a bit of space please." It's not a question it's a request. Luke gives Jamie a hug which lasts a bit too long, gives him a soft smile.

"I'll be right outside if you need me."

Jamie watches Luke leave then wraps his arms around his shoulders and pulls him into a tight hug.

"Ignore him he's being a prick." Jamie whispers in his ear.

"Sorry." Because he thought he'd been doing well but Jamie did know him pretty well. Could identify his moods from ten yards so it's not surprising that he knows that there is nothing Ste would like more than to smack him. Maybe he should ask Callum to give Luke the treatment but follow through.

"I'm so pleased you came. I'm sorry I didn't ring you. I just heard they'd been in an accident and took off. Paul's opening the garage for me."

Didn't have time for a phone call but he'd had time to drive into the outskirts of Chester and drop off is keys. Now he knew there was trouble.

"Yeah he said when I rang him."

Jamie tells him about how his parents had been driving back from a day at the coast and were hit head on by another car as they came around a bend. Apparently the car had been over taking on a blind bend. His Dad hadn't had time to do anything but swurve a bit. The car hit just to the left hand side of centre. The front end of the car was caved in. They had been trapped for an hour. Been cut out by fire crews. The pedals had gone into his Dad's legs. The damage had been too severe to save the right leg. It had been amputated below his knee. The left was saved, for the time being although the doctor's weren't hopeful of saving it in the long run. He was in a coma, had internal bleeding that they had been able to stem but not stop. The outlook was poor.

"We've got to wait and see." Jamie sighed heavily. "We've been told to be prepared for the worst."

He doesn't know what to say. Knows that false hope and it'll be alright are lies at this stage. So he hugs Jamie tighter and holds him as he descends into another bought of tears.

Jamie calms down.

"Can you… Will you…?" He sounds so vulnerable, not like Jamie at all but he knows what he's asking.

He swings his legs onto the cushions and shuffles down a bit until Jamie can lie on his chest, body between his legs. He wraps his arms around him.

When Jamie falls asleep he rings Tony and tells him quietly that he won't be in but he finds that Laura is helping him out front of house for the rest of the day and she can do tomorrow if needed. So at least he doesn't have to guilt trip himself over leaving Tony short staffed.

John knocks quietly and enters. One look at his tear stained his face and he knows that Jamie's Dad is dead as well.

"Jamie." He shakes him gently, it doesn't take him much to stir.

John steps in purposely shutting the door on Luke who must have been hovering.

"Jamie..." John starts but Jamie knows. Knew like Ste knew.

"Oh God no." Jamie breaks into choking sobs and all he can do is hold onto him as John strokes Jamie's back.

* * *

Author's note: I'm away with work for a week and I'm not sure I'm going to have much or any time to write. Worst comes to the worst the next update won't be until after the Bank Holiday. I had plans of where this would be knowing I would be away but I'm nowhere near. So here is a tease of where I was planning on being. And when this story gets there you'll realise how far off I am from my plans.

_He stared, frozen to the spot. The room seemed to disappear. The noise of all the people's inane chatter slide away to nothing. He wished he could tear his eyes away but he couldn't. No way. Even if it was shredding his insides and tearing his heart into a thousand pieces. He was staring at his worst nightmare and can't look away for fear it wasn't real._


	27. Chapter 27

Thank you for your reviews and for following and for favouriting but mainly for sticking with me.

The worst did come to the worst and I didn't have anytime to write while I was away.

It did give me a bit of time to think about this story and how I wanted to get to where I'm going. I had a decision to make and I've been putting it off. There are two clear paths I could take with this plot within the story and I chose this one because I think it will make what happens later work better.

Feel free to tell me I'm wrong.

* * *

John stays behind to do all the paperwork. He makes it clear he wants the funerals as soon as possible. Karen and George have their funeral's all planned out and the finances in place. They want to be cremated and their ashes released from Catbell's in the Lakes.

He waits behind the wheel while Jamie hugs and kisses Luke on the cheek before he slumps into the passenger side, too shaky to drive.

He's careful driving home making sure to stick to the speed limit and being cautious because Jamie doesn't need any more shocks.

He lets Jamie out at the flat and drives the car to the garage. It's barely three. Twelve hours give or take. He tells Paul what happened and he assures him that there's no need for Jamie to rush back. He drops by Ill Nosh and tells Tony how tells him to just let him know when he'll be back. Laura gives him a hug and whispers in his ear that she's always on the end of the phone if he needs her. He gives her a curious look, he's not the one who just lost both his parents.

Jamie's on the sofa when he gets back. Throw wrapped around himself. He looks so small.

He doesn't know what to do for the best so he offers to make some coffee which Jamie shakes his head at, food which again is met with a shake of his head. He huffs slightly to himself in the kitchen. He hasn't had much practice in looking after someone in pain in a long time. He searches his brain for what he would want if his parents died but it's no use because Jamie actually loved his parents and he wouldn't want to grab a bottle of champagne and dance on their graves. Not that he would he just likes the idea. He knows that when it does happen he's going to go to Pauline's grave once so that he can see and have it confirmed that the bitch really is dead and buried.

He decides that he should run Jamie a bath.

Jamie resists for all of ten seconds then lets Ste lead him into the bathroom. Jamie stands looking completely lost. He steps forwards gently touches his cheek and kisses him lightly. He starts helping Jamie undress. There's nothing sexual about it, but he's as gentle as possible. Fearing that Jamie could break if he's too rough. He touches his skin lightly little contacts that he hopes are offering comfort and when he's naked he hugs him and kisses his neck. Then leads him to the bath and holds his hand as he gets in. Jamie sits there, shaking.

As soon as the water starts to cool he helps Jamie get out, grabs a towel and dries him off. Tears run down Jamie's cheek and he wipes them away.

"Lets get you into bed." He stated and Jamie nearly falls as he wraps his arms around him too tightly. He's gulping air in. And he knows that he's trying to be strong but there's no need. Jamie doesn't need to be strong. He manoeuvres them into the bedroom and gets Jamie under the covers before stripping off and joining him. As soon as he sits on the bed Jamie pulls him to him and puts his head on his chest, crying, sobbing into his chest. Jamie digs his nails into his waist a little too hard but he doesn't resist or pull away because Jamie needs this.

He strokes Jamie's hair and kisses the top of his head but Jamie's lost in grief.

Eventually he settles down and just lies with his eyes closed. He knows that he's not asleep because he's tracing little patterns on the skin of his hip.

He hears his stomach rumble a little and Jamie smiles a little.

"Will you make me an omelette?" Jamie asked, his voice is wrecked.

"Course." He replies because that's the he does know how to do.

Jamie follows him to the kitchen and watches as he cooks.

"You're never more beautiful than when you're cooking you know that?" Jamie states a little sadly and he it's so quiet that he doesn't quiet register what he said but when he does he has to lighten the mood.

"Not even when I'm under you?"

Jamie smirks a little.

"Runs close when you're on top."

They eat, Jamie leaning against the cupboard, plate in hand. Ste with his plate on the counter.

They move around each other in silence. Ste cleaning the dishes, Jamie switching between watching him and fiddling with random things.

Once the dishes are draining Jamie gripped his hand and lead him back to the bedroom. He wraps the covers around them and pulls him onto his chest.

There's a tension that wasn't there before and he doesn't know if he wants to approach it. He doesn't know if he's meant to start or if Jamie is but there's something now where there wasn't before they got up.

The next day Jamie drives down to his parents' house to meet with John and Gillian. He insists that Ste stay and go to work which he tries not to think about too much because he has the feeling that Jamie wanted him to come but decided against it. He wants to ask but he doesn't know if he really wants to because he has a feeling he's not going to like the answer.

He doesn't go into work because he doesn't have to be there. He cleans the flat up. It doesn't take much. He's hardly ever in and Jamie doesn't make a mess.

Half an hour later he's bored. He doesn't know what to do with himself. It was usually heaven to have the day off because it was so rare but he realises that the days he takes completely off are when the kids are down. Days when he's only got one service he spends half his time prepping for Tony and the rest crashed out watching crap TV.

He rings Laura she's out of the office and off her mobile which means she's in session somewhere. He decides to go on a walk to the village but then Tony will want to know why if he's not with Jamie is he not in work. He knows he's not all there today and if he goes into work he'll be distracted. Some problems disappear when he's working and all he can concentrate others he can't concentrate on anything but the problem and autopilots the food.

He lies on the sofa and decides that crap TV is the way to pass the time.

As soon as Jamie walks in the door Ste can tell he's drunk. Stinking drunk.

"I picked out the flowers." He said as he slumped down next to him.

"Come on." He takes him through to the bedroom and helps him undress and puts him to bed.

He walks through to the living room slumps on the sofa and wonders just what the fuck he is going to do. He's crap at this.

He lies down and watches a bit of TV but falls asleep half way through an episode of some reality TV show. It's past midnight by the time he wakes up. He wonders what wakes him then he sees Jamie looking at him from the kitchen with a glass of water in hand.

"Not coming to bed?" There's still a slur to his speech.

"Yeah, just feel asleep."

"Thought you might be avoiding me?"

"No. Why'd you think that?"

Jamie snorts and shakes his head.

"Come on why?" He needs to rein himself in but he's been worried and he's not sure. His defences are up.

"No reason." There is a reason. "I'm tired." He walks back to the bedroom. "Funeral's Friday." He adds then shuts the bedroom door.

He sits and stares along the corridor.

Jamie's just lost his parents he reminds himself. He's going to be off. He knows he's not going to be able to stop himself if he goes into the bedroom. He knows that he's going to end up saying something he shouldn't and Jamie doesn't need that.

He wakes up on the sofa. There's a message on his phone.

Gone to see Luke. Later.

Time marked 0530.

He sighs and rubs his face.

He knows now they should have had it out last night.

He not sure how he should feel about Jamie going to see Luke, he might hate him but Jamie loved him, they had history. Luke knew Karen and George far better than he can ever claim. He supposes he should be jealous but he isn't. It had been his own guilt in the hospital that had made him angry. His guilt that Jamie hadn't rang him straight away because he didn't seem to think that Ste would drop everything to be with him when he needed him.

He gets himself ready for work and heads round to Ill Nosh to open up.

Tony had left a note the previous evening to let him know that he needs to make some more of the spicy vignette for the duck salad and that he needs to do another bottle of 'basiled' olive oil. And that he didn't have time to clean the hob completely down so could he before breakfast.

He hates cleaning the hob. The top metal plates especially but it needs doing. It's a rush to get two completely cleaned down before he has to start to make the early orders. He manages to get the others done eventually.

Lunch service is quiet for a change which he is thankful for but at the same time it's not good of business although given how much profit they've been making one quiet one isn't going to hurt.

Jamie's home when he gets back, lying on the sofa.

"How was Luke?" He feels proud that he didn't even grate the name out.

"Jenna wants a baby." Jamie replied.

"Wow." He doesn't know what else to say.

"Yeah." Jamie shakes his head. "Turned around and said that he didn't want a baby when they both know it's a sham. He doesn't want to bring a kid into it."

He shrugs. He doesn't know Luke other than thinking he's a proper twat but he knows that a false move now, saying the wrong thing now will bring Jamie down on him like tonne of brinks, he's not sure that saying nothing is going to get him out of it.

"What do you think?" Jamie challenges directly and it doesn't matter what he says he's going to get it because the tone says it all.

"I think kids need love."

"And you don't think Luke will love a baby?"

"No. I… I just think that kids are better when they've got love whether their parents love each other or not."

"So having parents that don't love each other is fine."

"Yeah."

"So having parents that do love each other doesn't matter?"

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"I want your honest opinion on Luke and Jenna."

"I don't know them." His opinion on Luke isn't enough to decide whether he'd be a good father or not because if he looked at himself he'd say he was the worst parenting material and yet he was a good father.

"Too much to ask for a straight answer?" He knows that Jamie is angry but he's not sure what about. His parents. Luke. Him. Everything.

"I don't know them." He's not giving Jamie an excuse to start an argument. He doesn't want to be the one to start it. Although maybe he should.

"Thought so." Jamie sneers. Here we go. He gears himself for the argument.

But Jamie just gets up off the sofa and walks out the door without another word and he doesn't know what to do because if he goes after him it'll be an almighty fight and if he doesn't… Jamie will cool off and come back later like he always does.

He sit at the kitchen table and waits for Jamie to return.

Tony rings an hour and a half in saying that Joe's ill and he's short in the kitchen for a full restaurant. There's no choice he has to go in. He sends a text to Jamie to let him know where he'll be then locks up the flat.

The service goes without a hitch although he finishes much later than he anticipated. He enters the flat, the lights are off but as he enters he sees a figure sitting at the kitchen table illuminated by the moon light. There a bottle of whiskey, he can smell it. Jamie has never been a whiskey drinker.

His heart quickens.

"Expecting someone else." Jamie slurs. "Or just wishing I was someone else?" He raises the glass to his lips.

"I went looking for a tie and I found this."

Ice runs through his veins. His throat constricts. Brendan's jacket. It slung around the top of the chair.

"It's his isn't it?" It's more a statement than a question. "Because these are all addressed to him." He shoved forward a pile of returned letters. "You've kept them." He downs the whiskey in the glass and pours another. "You know why I've never asked you to marry me?"

He can't find any words. He can't move. He is standing on the edge of a cliff and he knows his life is about to slip from under him and he doesn't think there is anything he could say or do that can change the outcome.

"Because I would have, you do know that right? I would have got down on one knee in front of everyone, the entire village, the entire world and asked you to make me the happiest man alive but I didn't because I knew…" He sighed and shook his head. "I knew deep down…" He let out a bitter laugh. "You're in love with someone else."

He opens his mouth to deny it.

"Don't bother Ste because we both know that you love Brendan even now, what is it? Seven years? Eight? You're in love with him and that's why you can't love me."

"I do love you." He does. He loves Jamie but not in the same way… Not the same kind of love.

"I know. But I want all of you and you can never give me that."

He can't, he knows he can't.

"I'm not angry with you. I'm bitter… I'm stupid." Jamie waves his hand when he goes to speak. "I thought that I could… I thought that I could, fix is the wrong word but make you get over the hurt because I couldn't bare to see you hurting. I thought that you would let go of him and you'd give me everything and we could live our lives together… I…" He sighs. "I waited. I've waited so long but I can't wait any longer not now. Not after Mum and Dad. I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for something I don't think you'll ever give me, be able to give me."

"I can." He can't and he knows it. Jamie knows it. The denial isn't real.

"Ste stop it. I know you far too well."

Silence stretches out between them. Then Jamie nods and gets to his feet, staggers slightly and walks up to him, wraps his arms around him and rests his chin on his shoulder.

"Will you come to the funeral?" He asks.

"Course." Because he's not as big of a bastard as he feels right now.

"I need you there for that." Jamie kisses his neck. "Will you do something else for me?"

He nods.

"Don't do this to anyone else because it's not fair."

He nods.

"I won't."


	28. Chapter 28

Thank you for your reviews and follows.

* * *

He couldn't sleep. He tried and tried but the bed is empty and too big.

He gives up at half two and heads into the living room picking up Brendan's jacket and laying on the sofa with it wrapped around his shoulders and pick up the bottle of whiskey.

He wondered idly just what loving Brendan had cost him.

Jamie wanted to marry him. Had wanted to marry him but he had walked in the end.

He couldn't blame him.

It was unfair. He had been unfair to Jamie.

He takes a gulp of whiskey, it burns all the way down his throat.

Complete and utter defeat. It was weighing him down. He knows that he wouldn't have said yes to Jamie. Wouldn't have been able to and a part of him is glad that Jamie didn't propose because he has an inkling that he would have said yes in front of people to save Jamie's feelings but no if they had been alone.

Would he have said no?

His love of Brendan had cost him a very good man who had put up with more than enough shit to have walked away years ago but in the end he had walked because he couldn't love Jamie the way he deserved.

He'd been a selfish prick and he's let himself believe that he could get away with it. That he could let a man love him without giving everything in return. He couldn't give everything back because he couldn't give up Brendan. He knew that. He accepted that but he had glimpsed the idea that he could get away with it.

He felt a little justified, Jamie had walked eventually and he hadn't given him everything so now he wasn't heartbroken.

It hurt. But it was barely a scratch.

* * *

Laura shook her head at him, then took a sip of her coffee, then shook her head some more.

They were sat outside in the park nursing coffee's they had started off walking but the picnic table had beckoned.

"Say it." He demanded because he knew she was dying to say it. It was written across her entire face.

"What?"

"Don't play innocent. Say it." He needed to hear it.

She shrugged.

"I did warn you." She conceded.

"You mean I fucking told you so." He tapped the wooden table and picked at it a bit.

"Will it make you feel better if I say it?" She asked.

He shook his head. He wouldn't make him feel any better.

"Didn't think so."

"What am I meant to do about the funeral?" He asked sighing.

"You said you'd go."

"I'm going." Christ, of course he was. He owed Jamie that and a whole lot more. "I meant his family, fuck, he's just lost his parents and we've just split up."

"Could be a touch awkward."

"A touch? Try massively. John'll properly kill me." He had promised he wouldn't hurt Jamie and he had. He hadn't meant to but he had and he was always going to.

"To be fair Jamie dumped you."

"Thanks." He replied sarcastically. It was true though. He hadn't ended it. Although he never should have let himself start it.

"I only meant that Jamie still asked you to be with him, socially awkward or not you know you're going and you are going to put up with whatever shit comes your way because you want to be there for him."

"You couldn't…"

"No." She cuts him off.

"You didn't even know what I was going to ask."

"You were going to ask if I could come."

"I wasn't." He was because having her there would make it… Actually it would make it worse. Jamie knew that Laura knew more than he did about Brendan and she knew more about Ste than he ever had. It would be like rubbing salt into the wound.

"I was going to ask if you…" He needed a get out. A quick one. "Would come to Ireland with me?"

He was a complete idiot.

A quick get out of a tight situation and that is what he comes up with. His brain hates him, he's sure because asking her if she wanted to come round for dinner was such a better idea and it was a simple solution but no he had to ask that and put himself in a worse situation.

Laura was staring at him with shock clear across her features.

"You're going to see Cheryl?"

"I think I need some time away."

Actually he did thinking about it. He needed a change of scenery.

Laura frowned at him.

"Ste Hay that is possibly the healthiest thing you've ever suggested."

"Of thanks make me out as some kind of self-destructive nutter."

They share a knowing smile.

"Will you though?" He asked because if he goes to see Cheryl he wanted her there. He didn't want to… He was more likely to keep his mouth in check if Laura was there to make sure it stayed in check. "You can bring Callum."

"Callum?"

"I'll know Cheryl and Nate, you'll only know me." Not that he thought that would bother he considering she regularly spent two hours in a room talking to people she didn't know. "You don't have to just think it might be nice."

"You've forgiven him then?"

"Forgiven him for what? Scaring the shit out of me when I deserved far worse. There's nothing to forgive and yeah I saw a side of him that I'd rather not see again but he was looking out for you."

"I don't need him looking out for me." She stated firmly. "I can fight my own battles I don't need him deciding which ones I need to fight as well."

"He told me he loves you." It's not a secret and he knows she isn't that naïve or blind.

"I know."

"Why didn't it work out before?" They were together or not together but together before she fell for Sean and now they were back not together but not admitting it.

"Honestly?" She sighs. "I was the untouchable ice queen reigning over everything in front of me. Callum worked for Dad. I was working my way up to the top. A relationship to me then was a distraction. Something that could be used against me. I wanted him but it was too much… Both of us working for Dad. Callum technically working for me. It got messy and it got complicated especially because Callum wanted to move higher in the ranks. I guess I didn't want him to get to the top because he was sleeping with the bosses daughter. It's that world. It wraps things, twists them. The paranoia isn't really paranoia because someone really is out to get you…" She sighed. "We were never going to work and at the time I didn't want us to work either because if we did that would have been… I didn't want us to work is the be all and end all. I decided that it was a bad idea and Callum accepted that."

"He didn't." He can tell because Callum isn't the type. He admitted that he had loved her from almost the first moment they had met.

"No. He didn't have a choice in it." She stated. "I met Sean while we were still sort of together. I dumped him to be with Sean and there was nothing he could do."

He doesn't think that's true. He knows enough about Callum and his methods to be fairly sure that he could have done something about Sean and the only thing that had stopped him was Laura.

"Are you ever going to admit that you're together?" He had to ask because it was frankly annoying him that everytime he even came close to suggesting that there was more there than just sex Laura got defensive.

"Define together."

"You're impossible." He sighed, shaking his head. He was fairly sure that they were together in everything apart from accepting they were. Or Laura accepting they were.

"Only on my good days." She smiled.

He swirls his coffee around the bottom of his cup.

"If I RSVP Cheryl…" He takes a deep breath. "I'll ask if I can bring Callum as well."

"Do you really want him there for this?"

"Do you?" He asks because he doesn't care if Callum comes with them or not.

She shrugs.

"Ask if Cheryl says it's ok then I'll think about asking him. Okay? Right I've got to go. Lunch with the old man." She stated. She wasn't happy about it he could see it in the way she wasn't getting straight up. She was hesitating.

"I thought you weren't getting involved." He thought she had decided not to help him, but then she had never actually said she wouldn't.

"It's only a meeting to agree terms, review the new Shenko deal and find a way to get Shane back on side. Shane's in Manchester tonight so I'll go up and meet him do the prelims." She smiled reassuringly but he could see she was worried about it. That this meeting with her father was something she had to do but she didn't want to.

"Callum going with you?"

"Nothing to do with him." She replied immediately. "I'll see you later."

He watched her walking away and sighed. He didn't like the idea that she was back in dealing with drug dealers and gangsters but she knew what she was doing and he couldn't do anything.

He went back into work and started his prep for the evening service as well as doing a little front of house.

It didn't give him time to think until he was cleaning up. He had pretty much agreed to go and see Cheryl.

He took a deep breath and let it out.

It had been eight years maybe it was time to go and see her, time to square things as much as possible with her. Maybe it was time to stop being so bitter because it was done and she couldn't change it and he couldn't change it. It was done. Set in stone.

He locked up and wondered through the villiage in no rush to get home. There was no one to rush home to… He shook his head. Jamie wouldn't be there.0

It was so easy for him to accept. He would miss him but he was so busy with the rest of his life that he has to wonder what was there between them really. He had a business to run and that had always ruled over his time. Jamie had been someone to come home to, someone to pass time with. He hadn't even realised. It was no wonder. To Jamie he was someone who he wanted to go home to, someone he wanted to share his life with. To him Jamie had been a very nice, very good convince. A person to share a bed with. To have a laugh with. Jamie wasn't vital to his life.

Jamie should have walked years ago and hadn't. Jamie had loved him enough to put up with him.

He reached the flat and opened the door. It was cold again in there. No life beside his own and he was hit with a pang of loneliness but it wasn't so bad, he realised.

He had to be up early tomorrow, well in a few hours to open up. He had a split day. The kids were coming down next weekend although he didn't know if he'd get more than a grunt out of Lucas or be able to get Leah to remove herself from her phone long enough to have a full conversation still it was something to look forward to.

His life was full even without Jamie and that was the worst thing about it. He hadn't needed Jamie and yet he had robbed him of five years of his life stringing him along.

He couldn't change that.

He had the funeral on Friday and Tony had let him have the day off.

He'd wait to tell Amy until Saturday. She'd be upset she really liked Jamie but half of him thought that she knew his heart wasn't completely with Jamie. She knew him too well.

He opened the cupboard next to the oven and pulled out the invitation. Cheryl's phone number was on the reverse.

If he rang now then she would be asleep and he could leave a message instead of getting into an awkward conversation on the phone.

He picked up the phone and dialled before he bottled it.

Like he thought it went through to voice mail.

"Hi Cheryl it's Ste… Ste Hay. Just to let you know I would like to come to the christening and I was wondering if it would be too much to ask if I brought two guests instead of just one. Give me a ring and let me know. Right. Bye."

He ended the call and looked at his phone. He didn't want to think about what he had just done so he went straight to the drink cupboard and pulled out a bottle of vodka.

He thought about it for a moment then put it back. There was no point. Nothing was going to stop the thoughts running through his head.

But he'd made the call and he couldn't take it back.


	29. Chapter 29

Thanks for your reviews, nice to know you're still enjoying this even if it's taking an age.

Author's Notes: The summery of this story is now not quite right. And it will be pretty much, well it will be, wrong by the time I get to the end so I might change it then.

This and the next and maybe the next chapter (I'll see how much I can get through) will wrap up section 3, then it'll be on to section 4 which will be full of angst and be pretty dark (and it's hasn't exactly been sunshine and roses so far) then 5 which is as far as I've plotted but I have idea's which would extend 5 and could lead to a section 6 as long as you're still enjoying it.

When I said slow burner at the start I think you might be getting the drift of just how far this has to go.

I do have an idea for another long story and I have the plot drafted but I don't want to start it until I've finished this.

Back to M.

Warnings: Swearing, graphic M/M sexual situation

* * *

He yawned. He hadn't been able to get much sleep. He worried about Cheryl's reply. He worried about what she'd say and resolved to let her call go straight to voice mail. He wasn't ready to talk to her, he would have to but not yet he still had another month to get his head straight and work out exactly how he was going to get through seeing her again.

He collided with Callum on his way out of the door.

"Is she here?"

"No." He had a sinking feeling. Callum looked together but he sounded worried.

"She didn't come back to her's last night."

"Isn't she staying in Manchester?" He couldn't imagine her meeting with Shane finishing early.

"She said she was coming back."

He sighed and pulled out his phone. Maybe she was playing a game with Callum after their talk yesterday. Proving that she didn't need him, that they weren't together or whatever. God he hoped so.

Her phone was off.

"I already tried that." Callum stated. "You call me if she gets in touch." He shoved a business card into his hand and walked back to his car.

He bit his tongue. He didn't know what to do. Didn't think there was anything he could do.

He walked to work because Laura could handle herself and the chances were that her phone had run out of battery and Shane had kept her talking. The way she had been talking it had been about preliminary terms. So he guessed that there would be a lot to go through even though he didn't actually know what the terms were about. He could guess but he didn't know enough to be clear. She didn't want him to know and although he wanted to he wasn't sure it was a good idea.

He opened up and got Ill Nosh ready for the morning service.

It was quiet and his phone was ringing from the far side of the chopping boards.

Cheryl.

He watched it flash, watched it move from the vibrations. He waited for it to ring off.

He left out a harsh breath when it finally did.

One new voice mail the screen read.

He thought about listening then decided against it. Not now. Not yet. He could wait a while. Wait until he could listen because he knew he couldn't yet.

He handed over to Tony but Jenny their afternoon waitress rang in to say she couldn't make it. Her kid was ill and she was very sorry. He wasn't really cut out for waiting tables so he and Tony switched and he ran the covers while Tony enjoyed the attention of some very cheeky regular OAP's. Apparently he was too young for them but Tony, oh Tony he was perfect. A gentleman. He was sure that all the women had at some point each of them had offered to set him up with their daughters, even their son in one case which had had him cracking up.

His phone rang again somewhere in the middle of an eight plate en tray and he had been forced to ignore it.

He forgot about it until he had half a chance of a coffee at three. He stepped out of the kitchen and sat in the far corner. He unlocked the keypad.

Cheryl.

Two voice mails. He had really opened a can of worms this time.

And a message from Jamie to say that he would pick him up in the morning at ten for the funeral.

He was prepping for evening service when Callum marched in and stood at the kitchen door.

"She's not back."

"She'll be busy."

Callum slammed his fist into the kitchen door frame.

"She's not back." He stated again.

"You've said it yourself she can handle herself." Although he was worried now. Game or not. "Did she go to work?"

"I rang she missed a Narcotics Anonymous meeting at twelve and she missed three appointments this afternoon. She doesn't fuck with her clients." Callum stated.

He bit his bottom lip. She wouldn't miss appointments without arranging cover or rearranging. She took her job very seriously.

He shook his head.

"I can't do anything. I don't even know where she went." She hadn't told him any more than Manchester.

"She didn't tell me either." Callum slammed his palm onto the worktop. He wiped at his forhead. "Fuck." He slammed the work top again.

"Does her Dad know she's… missing?" Was she even missing? Maybe the meeting over ran maybe there was more to settle.

"I can't ring Robert." Callum growled.

"Why not? You're worried and he'll know where the meeting was."

"I… It's complicated alright."

"No it's not alright. You say you love her well ring him and find out where she is." He demanded.

"I fucking can't." Callum roared.

He was glad that there was no one in. He brushed past Callum and locked the door. He didn't want anyone interrupting.

"Explain it to me then. Why can't you ring her Dad and ask where she is? What's complicated about that?"

"You don't understand."

"No I don't so fucking tell me."

Callum stretched his neck back and rubbed his face.

"And don't skim over it because you used to work for him."

"She doesn't know what happened."

"Does that even matter right now?"

"We went after him." Callum stated as though that was enough. "Me, Joe and Sam. We went after him, tried to muscle him out, tried to take him out."

"You…" Oh fuck.

"We tried to have him taken out. So when I say I can't fucking ring him and ask where Laura is I mean I can't."

"But he was the one trying to get her back through you."

"That doesn't mean shit. He needed Laura back more than his grudge meant. Mr Arthur sees that he doesn't come directly for me and he needs Mr Arthur on his side. If I ring him… I owe him and I don't think I can pay the price."

"Get your boss to ring him."

"And let everyone know that we're together. Jesus do you even know? Laura would be back with a target on her back. I can't get out if I end up owing Robert anything. He won't let me. Fuck no one will. I'll be completely fucked."

"What can I do?" Nothing. Jack shit because he wasn't getting involved. He had kids. He couldn't get mixed up in something so massive. He couldn't see it ending well and he did not want to be on the radar of any of these people. Now he knew why Laura kept him out and he was grateful. He didn't want to be involved.

Callum punched a wall.

"Alright calm down." He exclaimed.

"Nothing. And you know that." Callum confirmed. "She'd never forgive me for dragging you in."

He thought for a moment.

"She said she had mates. Mates that would do anything for her because she would do anything for them. I take it you know some of them." He hoped he did.

"They cut ties with me." Callum growled. "They're loyal to her and Robert."

"But you do know them." He pushed.

Callum shook his head.

"They won't answer my calls and they don't know you."

Call the police. It was on the tip of his tongue. But what use would that be? It could make it worse. So much worse and he knew people like Shane would have protection, would be wise to the police. Brendan always was.

"Who's Rory?" He asked because he had heard the name and knew he was something to do with Robert.

"He took over from Laura as Robert's right hand. He's a waste of fucking space and I wouldn't go to him if my life depended on it."

"What if her life depends on it?" He asked.

"No."

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because."

"Why?!" He shouted because that seemed to be the only way to get through to him.

"Because she wouldn't." Callum replied quietly.

"Oh so you're playing by her rules now?!" Now. Now. He was playing by her rules. Accepting the way Laura did things instead of doing things his way, dragging her back in.

"No…" He grabbed a chair and threw it. It bounced safely enough but that wasn't the point.

"Stop it! Callum calm the fuck down!"

"She could be dead."

"Or she could be shopping." She couldn't be dead. He… No she couldn't be dead.

"Don't be so fucking naïve. You don't know Shane."

"No I don't so tell me about him then." He didn't want to know but he wanted to know just how much trouble Laura was in.

"He's… He's a fucking psycho. He cut a man's hand off with bolt cutters because he dared dip his profits. He broke every bone in a man's legs for dealing on his turf. He took a chainsaw to his wife when she looked at another bloke."

He stared at Callum. He had to be joking but he wasn't.

"Fuck."

"Yeah, fuck. So you can see why I'd be a_ little_ concerned."

"She's dealt with him before." He was clinging to something because otherwise he knew that there wasn't anything he could do.

"That was years ago when she wasn't a soft touch."

"Laura soft?" Laura wasn't soft. She had a core of steel.

"She's not what she was."

"You seem to remind her on a daily basis of what she was." He shot back.

"Because I get tired of her playing the moral high ground. Thinking she's better than me when she was far worse and seems to forget that."

"She hasn't forgotten."

"I know." He conceded. "I just…" He closed his eyes. "I can't do anything. I just need to know she's alright. I need to go." He walked to the door and Ste knew better than to try and stop him so unlocked the door.

He watched him march down the street and around the corner.

He leant back against the door. Laura would be alright she had to be.

He went back to his prep because he didn't know what else he could do. There was nothing he could do.

He couldn't concentrate. He had to force himself to while he was chopping because otherwise he was going to lose a finger. He'd already nicked himself.

Harry their new sous chef had to run service for him and to be honest he impressed. He was young and straight out of catering college but Tony had spotted his talent and insisted that they gave him the job.

He mucked in with the clearing up and cleaned down but his heart wasn't in it never mind his head which seemed to be a million miles away.

He decided to listen to his voice mails from Cheryl since it couldn't make his life any worse.

"Hi Ste love it's great to hear from you… You can bring whoever you like. It would be just so good to see you again. I… I've really missed you sweetheart." A pregnant pause. "I've wanted to get in touch for ages but I didn't know how… if you wanted to even speak to me… I…" The message cut off.

"I ran out of time, me rambling on. Me and Nate, we're putting people up here so you don't need to book a hotel or anything. Give me a call back." She sounded more put together in this one.

Hearing her voice. He smiled and shook his head. Same Cheryl.

Bitterness washed over him. She was the same and he had changed. He wasn't who she remembered but she… She got everything and sounded happier than ever.

He had a relationship he had ruined because he couldn't let go of her brother, a best friend who was missing in the hands of a psychopath and the love of his life banged up.

He walked back through the village to his flat and slammed the door.

He threw his coat on the sofa and gritted his teeth. He could feel the anger under his skin desperately trying to find a way out.

He forced himself to take deep breaths and counted backwards from ten.

It didn't help.

His phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket.

Unknown.

He was in half a mind to let it ring off.

"What?" He snapped.

"Someone's having a good night." Laura.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"Got into a bit of trouble." Her teeth were chattering.

"Where are you? Callum's going mad."

"I don't know." Her breathing hitched.

"Are you alright?" She didn't sound alright.

"Erm…"

"Laura are you alright?"

Her heard her breathing hitch.

"Where are you?"

He heard her take a deep breath.

"I'm waiting for a lift. I'm not going to be back for a few days. Don't worry." She hung up.

He shook his head. He pulled Callum's card out and sent him a text to tell him she had been in touch.

At least she had sounded more together by the end of the call.

He pulled his suit out of the wardrobe. He'd have to iron a shirt in the morning. The only black tie in the flat was Brendan's… He picked it up and let it slide between his fingers.

He remembered doing almost the same thing but it had been around Brendan's neck. Brendan had wrapped his arms around him as soon as they had gotten through the door. They were flush against each other. There was tension, there had been all night sitting the restaurant but no desperate need flowing between them. Not yet. Chest to chest and he had leaned back a little. Looking at him. And he had started unknotting the tie.

"Steven…" Brendan had breathed.

He had looked him dead in the eye and flicked the tie loose sliding it off from around Brendan's neck.

"Steven." Brendan had warned.

"What?" He had given his best innocent look and a gentle smile as he had started to unbutton Brendan's shirt, very carefully, very slowly. Button by button. He watched him fingers then looked back up to check that it was working. Brendan was watching him, focused on his every movement. He licked his lip a little and Brendan had growled low in his throat. He felt the vibration through his fingers. He reached the bottom of the shirt and Brendan had started walking him backwards until he hit the wall.

He ran his finger down Brendan's chest from neck to abdomen between the open shirt.

Brendan lent in for a kiss but he dipped and kissed Brendan's neck instead. Planting firm open mouthed kisses up his neck and onto his jaw enjoying the texture of stubble. He reached down and started unbuckling Brendan's belt but Brendan had caught his hands and pushed them to the wall by his hips.

Brendan had unbuttoned his shirt quickly. He had been surprised a few buttons hadn't just gone flying. Once it was open he roughly pulled it from his shoulders and throw it in the general direction of anywhere away from him.

Then Brendan had dropped to his knee's in front of him, roughly undoing his belt, unzipping him and pulling his boxers down to his ankles.

"All fucking night." Brendan muttered before taking his cock to the root. His head had hit the wall so hard he had thought that he's given himself a concussion. Brendan had sucked and licked and deep throated him hard.

Brendan pulled back, mouth still close enough that Ste could feel his breath cooling the saliva on his cock. He had looked him in the eye.

He knew this game, knew it well. Brendan wouldn't give him what he wanted until he begged for it but he wasn't going to give in. So he reached for Brendan's head only to have his wrists pinned back to the wall but he pushed back trying to free them but knowing it was pointless.

"Ask me nicely." Brendan had stated. "You want it, so ask for it."

"Bren." He had breathed, refused to beg.

"Yes Steven?" His voice had been low and sultry, warm with amusment.

"Can you let go of my wrists?" He knew how to win this all he had needed was his hands free.

"No."

"Let go of my wrists I want to show you something." He had held back a smile.

"Not if you don't ask nicely."

"But I just want to show you something. I'm sure you'll like it."

"No." Fuck. Brendan had known what he was going to do. Course he had. He'd done it before.

Brendan lick the tip of his dick and he had jumped.

"Ask for it and I'll give it to you." He licked the head again. "You want it."

Looking down at him, seeing Brendan Brady on his knee's waiting to swallow him down, offering to let him fuck his mouth. All he had to do was beg.

"Please." Forget about being stubborn. Brendan's mouth on him was worth it.

"Please what?"

He growled and tapped he head back against the wall.

Brendan kissed just below his belly button. A filthy kiss which was more tongue than lips. Then swirled his tongue the way he would on head of his cock.

"Please." His voice had raised a little with desperation. "Please, Bren." He shifted his hips forward.

"So pretty when you beg Steven." Brendan had growled and swallowed him to the root groaning around his cock sending vibrations up his spine.

He snorted, shook his head and sighed. What chance had Jamie ever had if a tie could trigger such vivid memories?

He slung the tie over the end of the bed and undressed ignoring his hard dick.

Tomorrow Jamie would need him and tomorrow he would have to be there for him for the last time.

He wasn't going to wank over Brendan a few hours before he had to stand next to his grieving ex and hold him together. Not when it had been his love of Brendan which had made Jamie his ex.


	30. Chapter 30

Thank you for your reviews and for reading.

Bit of a getting my ducks in a row chapter...

* * *

It was raining hard. The wind was whipping up and it made him run to Jamie's car so he's didn't get drenched.

He dropped into the passenger side.

"Hey." He greeted Jamie.

"I want to thank you for this now." Jamie said solemnly. "With everything… Thank you."

"Its fine honest."

Jamie closed his eyes and he realised he shouldn't have said that. That he should at least pretend that he had a bruised heart even if he didn't so that Jamie didn't feel like he hadn't cared at all because that just wasn't true. He cared.

The silence between them was only filled by the radio which he was grateful for.

It was a fair drive down to the crematorium. There would be no church service. Neither George nor Karen were religious and it was stated in the plans firmly.

There would be a lot of people at the crematorium because Jamie's parents had a lot of friends and a lot of relatives.

He would grin and bare it because that was what today was all about for him. He would stand at Jamie's side and support him. He would not kick off and there would be no arguments.

He had stood in front of the mirror and made a deal with himself to get through the day, to make it as easy as possible for Jamie.

The service was short with John getting up and giving a speech which was heartfelt and had Jamie in tears. Jamie had taken his hand and squeezed so hard that he thought his fingers would drop off but he ignored his white fingers and brought Jamie closer.

Jamie wrapped himself around him as the coffin's descended and his entire body shook. He stroked his hair and tried to comfort him.

The next set of mourners were due in and they had to move out but Jamie wasn't budging. He looked to John who was helping Michael comfort Gillian. He gave him a nod to suggest he would help once Gillian was sorted.

"Jamie." He tried to get a look at his eyes, tried to find a way to him but Jamie had denied him that right. They weren't together anymore and that meant he couldn't demand anything of him.

"James." John stood next to Ste's thigh and stroked his brothers back. "Come on. We have to say thank you to everyone and there's the wake."

Jamie responded to John and slowly unwrapped himself. He looked Ste dead in the eye and surged forward into a kiss.

He was so shocked he kissed back on instinct.

"Alright let's go." John stated firmly and helped Jamie to his feet.

He sat still and rubbed his face. He stood and turned to see Luke at the far end of the room watching John and Jamie but he had half an eye on him. When Jamie and John reached him he wrapped his arm around Jamie and helped him out while John turned and looked at him.

This had the potential to get very messy.

He wanted to go home. He didn't want to stay. No, he had to stay because Jamie wanted him there. Needed him there so he would stay and he would put up and keep his mouth shut. His nails cut into the palms of his hands as he made his resolve.

He took a deep calming breath and walked out past the next set of mourners who were filtering in.

He stood outside to the side. Relived that everyone seemed to be ignoring him.

"You've broken his heart."

He gritted his teeth.

"Who'd have thought someone like you could do that?"

Not today Steven.

"I mean look at you. What could he see in you? What could anyone? What are you even doing here?"

Do not rise to it.

"Nothing to say?"

"How's your wife?" He couldn't help himself.

"Wha…"

"Let's get something clear. You don't know me. I may have broken his heart but you've done the same so don't stand there and give me shit right. You ran off and married a woman to please your parents that's so pathetic it's more than laughable. So why don't you run off and hid behind your mother's skirt since that's clearly were your balls are."

Luke's mouth opened and shut it.

"I'm here to help Jamie get through today which is the only reason I haven't flattened you right."

He walked away further to the side but within Jamie's view whose eyes kept searching him out.

More and more people started to move to their cars until there were only a few who he assumed were close family. He walked closer and Jamie came to him and wrapped his arms around him. He took a moment then released him but kept hold of his hand until they got to the car where Jamie leaned against the drivers side door and pulled out a packet of cigarette's and a lighter.

"Want one?" Jamie offered him the packet.

He shook his head. Jamie rarely smoked, usually it was when he was offered while they were out on the lash.

"Dad would've killed me for this." He gestures. "He made Mum quit when they started going out but she told me that she had kept going at least when she was at work because even though Dad could smell it all the people she worked with did. I'm sure he knew. She quit when she found out she was pregnant then started again then stopped."

Jamie's rambling but he's listening.

"You should have heard them fight. Mum… Fuck me she was stubborn and Dad Christ Dad he used to give as good as he got but then after a while they stopped and Dad started backing down more and more until he seemed to forget that he used to stand up to her. Anything for an easier life."

Jamie exhaled harshly.

"I saw you give Luke both barrels." Jamie smiled a little.

That wasn't even one barrel never mind both but he sighed he had hoped that Jamie hadn't seen.

"Sorry." He muttered.

Jamie snorted a laugh.

"He looked like you'd pissed in his pint."

"See you can't take me anywhere." He jokes.

Jamie looks at him, looks like he's about something then changed his mind.

"We better get to the pub."

He felt like a complete snob as he looked over the buffet and decided he'd rather not eat any of it. Not because it wasn't edible but because it didn't look cared for properly and if that was how it was being served he didn't want to think about how it had been prepared.

He managed to keep out of the major family circle by skirting the edges.

John cornered him about an hour in.

"He told me that you've split." He stated and nodded. "I really thought you two would work out."

He should say 'so did I' but he knew better than to lie to John.

"He'll find someone that deserves him." He settled for. Because he didn't deserve Jamie.

John pursed his lips and little and nodded before returning to a group of people.

It was getting late and he was getting tired of avoiding everyone. He sat outside on a sheltered picnic table and watched the clouds speeding in front of the mood.

"Hey you ready?" Jamie sat down next to him.

"Whenever you are." He shrugged. It wasn't his call.

"Thank you." Jamie stated.

"You shouldn't thank me." He replied because he couldn't help himself. "I'm sorry Jamie."

"Don't apologise for something you can't change." Jamie stated and pulled him into a half hug, kissing his temple. "You're amazing and brilliant. Feisty as fuck." He felt the smile against he temple. "I'm just sorry you don't love me like you love him."

He shrugged.

"I tried." Liar.

"Come on let's go. You'll have an early start."

He didn't but he just wanted to be back at home so he didn't correct Jamie.

* * *

He was about to ring Amy when she rang him. He frowned at his phone and answered.

He told her about Jamie ending things.

"I'm sorry Ste."

"It's alright."

"About next weekend Leah was wondering if she could come down another time she's got this party and she really wants to go. I said I'd run it past you."

Leah, already partying. He shook his head.

"I get it Ames. She wants to spend time with her mates and not me." He understood although he really wanted to see her.

"It's not like that but you know what teenagers are like." Yeah he did. Made some of his worst mistakes when he was a teenager.

"Lucas' mate Jay has invited him to the football but he'll come down later on."

"Ames it's fine." It wasn't but if his kids wanted to be with their mates they weren't going to enjoy being with him and however much he wanted to see them he wasn't going to deny them what they really wanted.

"Look I'm thinking about going to Ireland in a few weeks I'd like to see them before I go. Whether that's me coming up or whatever I just want to see them before I go."

"Ireland?" There was alarm in her tone.

"Cheryl's daughters christening."

"Ste…"

"I just need some time away after Jamie and it seems like the right time you know." He wasn't sure if he was convincing her because he wasn't really convincing himself.

"Ste…" She more than a little concerned.

"Laura's going and maybe Callum so I'm not going alone." He didn't know if they were or even where the hell Laura was never mind knowing whether they were coming.

"Good. It'll be good for you to see Cheryl."

He hoped so.

She rambles on about her job for a bit and he replies with a bit about Ill Nosh.

The fact is his kids aren't coming to see him because their life is in Manchester and he's going to have to start making to get up there for visits rather than them coming to him which is fine but it feels like this is the beginning of plenty of visits that get cancelled because something came up or they want to stay at their mates. They're growing up and this is part of it… and he understands.

He closes his eyes and leans back in his seat. He's got another half an hour before he actually has to get back to the kitchen.

He pulls up a few flights and ferry's to compare prices. He wonders if Cheryl will be arranging to pick up people from the airport or ferry terminal. He looks up car rental because he doesn't like the idea of being tied to someone else. He wants to be able to leave when he wants, escape when he needs to.

First off he needs to talk to Laura and find out just what happened to her in Manchester. He hasn't seen or heard anything of Callum and she hasn't rang him.

"Hey Ste." Harry calls from the kitchen.

He shuts his phone off and walks over.

"How's it coming?" He set Harry the challenge of making something that could go on the lunch specials.

Harry looks a little embarrassed.

"Can I rescue this?"

He looks into the pan and the split source and shakes his head.

"Bin it and do it again. You might want to consider a lighter source it's going on the lunch board, it might be a little rich. Think about pesto."

He knew Harry was just trying to impress but one thing he had learnt was sometimes it was about remembering what people would want in the middle of the day. Light and fresh. Not many people wanted to be weighed down with a heavy meal in the middle of a working day.

Tony walked in looking excited and Ste mentally prepared himself. Tony beckoned him over.

"I've just seen this." He handed a file to him. He looked at the cover.

"What do you think?" Tony asked. "Great location. It would be perfect."

Tony had suggested a few times that they look to open a bistro in Chester so they could tap into a larger market.

He wasn't sure it was worth the hassle and it wasn't as though either of them had ever backed off enough to bring in another chef to run services at Ill Nosh even though they had the money. He didn't want to give up his hours he wanted to be busy especially now. Maybe Tony was ready for a new challenge. Ill Nosh was turning a big profit and he had flats that he had taken over. Maybe the business man inside him was looking to start something from scratch all over again.

"I dunno."

"I've done the finances and we've got more than enough to do this."

He bit his lip.

"It's not that I don't want to expand…"

"But."

But he's got about million things that need sorting out before he can get his head clear enough to get it around a new set up.

"I'm not sure right now. It's not no, it's I've just split from Jamie."

"Oh Ste I didn't realise I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'm just not sure I'm in the right place to be thinking about anything else new."

"This is a great opportunity. There's a bar next door we could even buy that and knock the two into one. It could be a great money maker." Tony wasn't going to let it go. "Do you even know how much money we've got?"

No actually. He never thought about it. As long as he had enough to pay rent and get the kids anything they wanted, anything they asked for he wasn't really bothered. He knew they weren't struggling by any means but Tony did the books.

He shrugged.

"Look." Tony laid down the books in front of him.

"Really?" £759, 567 in the business books.

"Yeah really, and I took out 50 grand from my share to buy the flats. We can buy the bistro and the bar and you'll still have 60 grand left."

"What about the loans?"

"They were paid off. Ste we can do this and even if it doesn't work out which it will we'll still have Ill Nosh to fall back on and you'll a buffer."

Tony wouldn't. But he had the flats as a second revenue.

"I've got a viewing tomorrow will you come and just have a look?"

No harm in looking.

"Yeah fine."

"Three, Harry and Lisa can cover for a few hours."

"Okay."


	31. Chapter 31

Thank you for your support.

This chapter covers a lot.

* * *

The potential bistro was a state. It needed a tonne of work, an empty shell. The previous owners had gone bust and the repossession men hadn't been kind to the removal of the oven's and furniture.

"Why didn't it work out?" He asked as he wondered around trying to work out where things could go and the layout. Just for fun.

"They borrowed heavily to start the business. Apparently their food wasn't very good and then they failed a hygiene assessment." Tony replied.

"Not a very good reputation to start out with." He muttered looking up at the ceilings. The décor was horrible but there were some nice light fittings.

"But this will be us and we'll change the name and put our own stamp on it." Tony replied.

He wondered into the kitchen and looked around again. It was a good size, a really good size. The kind of size of kitchen that he's always wanted, although maybe it's not that big.

"What's upstairs?" He asked.

"Directly above is a storage area and above that is a flat."

"Are we buying the entire building?"

"The flat comes with it." Tony nodded.

"Let's have a look." He had an idea.

The stair case had seen better days and it was accessed through the kitchen.

The storage area was a good size, empty though. The flat was a dump. They walked back down to the bottom level.

"What do you think?" Tony asked.

"If we buy it…" He hesitates.

"Tell me." Tony stated smiling.

"How much do we have to do some remodelling and get the fixtures?"

"Plenty."

"If, if we did this I think that we should have the tables over two levels. Keep the kitchen down stairs. Build a spiral stair case up from downstairs for the customers... Keep everything clean and simple. Dark tables. Bright lighting during the day, more moody at night. Simple menu, quick, tasty but affordable you know get people coming back. Not sure if having the bar next door will be a problem. I wouldn't want to make the two into one although we could run a separate lunch menu in the bar with access through to this kitchen. It would mean a bigger team. A head chef running this side and a couple of sous', plus a sous to run the bar meals during the day. It'd need a pretty big staff." Which meant more wages.

"We'd just have to get the right staff." Tony replied quietly.

"We'd need to make sure noise from the bar didn't impact on the mood in here."

"I was thinking Tapas next door." Tony stated.

He thought about it. He quite liked that idea.

"Great wines and good food in the bar really push it up market while keeping this more affordable so we tap both sets of customers. There isn't much competition around here for what we've thought. There's an Italian a couple of streets across. There's good foot through because it's near the high street and there's a really good pub at the end of the street which has people leaving past here to go on to the clubs. But there isn't trouble around here because the clubs are far enough away."

"Who'd run it?" He asked because he wasn't sure he wanted to run it, he wasn't sure he wanted to move to Chester because that was the most sensible idea.

"Both of us. We can bring in another chef and split out time between here and Ill Nosh."

"The tapas bar?" He asked.

"We'd run that separately and bring in someone if a strong knowledge of running a bar and working with food."

"This would be three businesses." It was a lot to get his head around.

"It's a great opportunity." Tony stated.

He knew that Tony really wanted it but he wasn't sure. He could see it. Could imagine what it would look like.

"In or out?" Tony asked.

He looked around.

"We have to move fast to get these at the right price."

He didn't need Tony pressuring him.

"Can you give me a few minutes alone?"

"Sure." Tony walked into the kitchen.

He looked around again and debated with himself. There was no real risk as long as they handled everything properly. Tony had the experience. They both had the talent. They had the money. He could see it, Tony wanted it.

"Okay." He called.

Tony walked back in.

"Put everything together and get some quotes on the remodelling work, the outfitting of the kitchen and the furniture plus possible staffing costs. A plan of how we'd split out time. I'd like to spend the majority of my time in Ill Nosh but I'd like to work here a bit and in the bar a bit. But I'm in if we can afford it."

"We can but I'll get everything together and we'll go through it before we put the bids in."

"Right well I've got to get back. I'll let you talk to the estate agent."

"Ste do a few sketches of what you want and we'll go through them together and agree the lay outs so I can get what we want."

He caught a bus back to the village. It was better that Tony talked things through with the estate agent anyway.

He thinks about the layout and how he wants things. The kitchen. He knows exactly how he wants the kitchen but if he's not going to be working there too much then it has to be a collaboration between both of them.

He gets back to Ill Nosh in time to help Harry finish the prep for the evening service.

"Hey." Laura.

"And where have you been?" He asks before turning to face her.

He stands completely still. Her face. There's a massive black eye and a set of stitches that run from her hairline down the side of her left temple. An angry split lip and bruising on her neck. Hand prints on her neck.

"What happened?" He asks once he's regained the ability to speak.

"Any chance of a coffee?" She asked looking uncomfortable.

"Go and sit down I'll bring it over." He replies and shakes his head before making her order and a one for himself.

She's shifting in her seat and there a wariness in her body language which is completely unlike her.

He sits opposite and waits because he has a feeling that she's preparing to tell him about what happened but she hadn't worked out her edit yet.

"Shane do that?" He asked because he isn't a patient person. He couldn't wait her out and he'd rather know than receive the edit.

She nods.

"He didn't like my terms." She stated, there's a deadness to her voice. A tired anger beneath the surface buried deep.

"What happened?"

She snorts, then shakes her head.

"Turns out I didn't like his either."

He has a sinking feeling.

She smiles with a darkness.

"You know how I keep banging on about not being able to change the past but being able to change the person that it makes you? That you aren't a prisoner of your past. That you can change and stick to change. Well, turns out I reverted to type."

"What does that mean?"

He sees her shut down. She was going to tell him but she's decided against it. She shrugs.

"I just wanted to let you know I'm back."

Something happened. Something bad.

"Laura you can tell me." He wants her to know that there is nothing so bad that she can't. He's told her plenty that would have most people running for the hills.

"Please tell me." She needed to talk he could see it but the wariness hadn't left her. She was nervous and uncomfortable she was looking around too often. Far more often than she usually did. She kept checking the entrance.

"I will tell you but not here."

"Laura…"

"Not here." She stated firmly. "Come round to mine after work and I'll tell you alright."

"I'll be late."

"I won't be sleeping."

He watches her go. She's barely touched her coffee. She checks over her shoulder, checks left and subtly right before leaving.

He concentrates on getting service done and curses when he realises that he has to be there to the bitter end because he can't leave Harry to close up he's too new and Jenny had already left so her babysitter wouldn't charge her an extra twenty quid for being after midnight, it was agreed before she was employed and it had never been a problem. It wasn't a problem, he just wanted to get to Laura's earlier.

True to her word Laura's awake when he knocks. He hears the locks turning and that's strange because she had never locked the door before when she knew he was coming.

He closes his eyes before opening them. The chain is on.

Fucking hell, she never puts the chain on. He wonders if someone's coming after her. But then she wouldn't have come back at all.

She undoes the chain and opens the door again.

"Sorry." She mutters and lets him walk in. She stays at the door and locks it and puts the chain back on.

There's a bottle of Vodka and a packet of coke on the table next to the sofa. A line already cut and ready to take.

"Relapse." She states as though it's nothing and moves around him and slumps to the sofa.

"What the fuck?" It's all he can think to ask because seriously what the fuck?

He sees it now. She's trembling and her eyes are too bright. There's a film of sweat on her skin and her pupils are blown.

"Hello, I'm a drug addict." She sneers a little.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out.

"You said you'd tell me. Well I'm here and I'm listening."

She doesn't say anything just downs a very healthy half tumbler of Vodka. She looks up at him and gestures to offer him the bottle. He shakes his head.

"Shane… He decided that he wanted a better deal, he said that my Dad was ripping him off and he needed something to repay that before he even considered a new deal."

"And what was that?"

"Doesn't matter really." It looks like it mattered.

"Come clean. From the start what happened?"

She sighed.

"I went to see Dad, he and Rory told me that Rory had upset Shane and he didn't want to deal with him any longer and the only person Shane was willing to deal with was me. All fair game really. Dad was alright with it although he wasn't too keen on me fronting the prelims given how long I've been away but he outlined what he wanted, what he was willing to offer and what was acceptable. I mean it was a prelim for the prelim. I went up to see Shane at his club as agreed… It just went wrong."

"Wrong how?"

"We ended up in his office, he… He…" She closed her eyes. "He was nice for a while. I mean not nice but tolerable. I mean I know the twat I know what he's like… He said I had to do something… He…" She rubbed at her forehead. "He… Look anyway it didn't go to plan."

"No, no, no what did he want?"

She took another mouthful of vodka.

"He…" She closed her eyes. "He tried to… He tried to rape me alright."

"Jesus fuck."

"And he overpowered me and there was a struggle which is how I got this." She gestured to her face. "I managed to get him off me, I hit him with a bottle, a decanter I think. Crystal must have cost a bomb. He was dazed but still awake anyway I kicked him to knock him out. Then he's goons came in at the noise. There was this letter opener on his desk so I grabbed it and Shane and threatened to kill him if they didn't let me leave… They did, so I ran. Then I rang Dad and he lost it completely and sent Ethan, Toby and Jason to sort it out. And sort it out for good… I didn't know until I got to Dad's that Shane had been killed, I don't know how but he's dead. Then there was all the fall out to sort out. I mean killing Shane is a big thing… Obviously killing someone is a big thing. Dad had to make sure that everyone knew it wasn't me and made Shane's guys confirm it to White, Carrick and Arthur so there wouldn't be come back on me. It's sorted now." She finished.

It was no wonder she was so jumpy.

"He didn't though? He didn't rape you?"

"Got close." She was shaking. "Christ I've never been that helpless." She took a gulp of Vodka straight from the bottle.

"Does Callum know?"

"No. And you aren't going to tell him."

"Laura…"

"No, I'm not having him thinking…"

"What that you're not invincible?"

"I don't want him to know. Shane's dead. There's no point in him knowing."

"And you don't think he won't notice you're all over the place. That you're back on the drugs."

"This is a one night thing."

"It doesn't look it."

"Think what you like."

"You've said it yourself you're a drug addict it's not like you can just have one night back on it."

"You think I'm that weak? Do you?" She was angry but he didn't think it was directed at him, it was more like she was angry with herself.

"No actually you're one of the strongest people I know but this," he picked up the bag of coke, "is only going to make things worse. You taught me that. You taught me that drugs and booze and running away aren't a way of solving anything."

"Well maybe I'm full of shit." She stated.

"You're not." He knew she wasn't. She had saved him from himself so many times. "You're right and I just don't want to see you falling off the wagon because some drug dealing bastard hurt you."

"He didn't hurt me." She denied.

"There's two kinds of hurt aren't there. The hurt you can see because it's on your skin and the hurt that's inside that no one can see unless you let them." Christ he knew that all too well. "Can I flush this?"

"That's nearly two hundred quids worth." She stated.

"That's not the point."

"Go on."

He sighed relieved that she had agreed.

He flushed the drugs and returned to find her finishing the bottle of Vodka.

"I can see my hang over from here. It's going to be horrible." She groaned and shifted a little.

"Have you seen Callum yet or talked to him?"

"No. Like I'm going to ask him over when I'm in this state. Fuck that."

He licked at his lips.

"How were the funerals?" She changed the subject immediately.

He tells her and manages to get a laugh when he tells her what he said to Luke.

"I rang Cheryl and she's fine with you and Callum coming. I looked up some flights and car rental."

"We should get the ferry and take Callum's car." She replied slurring a little.

"I thought you didn't know whether you were going to ask him." He frowned. But there was a relief that she was talking about him that she wasn't going to cut him out completely.

"I said his car I didn't say anything about him." She was slumping down in the sofa.

"Come on bed time."

"I'm not…"

"How old are you?" He smiles. "You're knackered and you're drunk." Not to mention high.

"Will you…." She shuts down.

"What? What do you need?"

She's battling against her stubbornness.

"Will you stay here tonight? I just…" He can see the effort she has to put in to ask.

"Course." He cuts her off to save her the explanation.

"Thanks." She murmurs and walks towards her bedroom very unsteadily. He goes to the airing cupboard and pulls out a blanket.

He lies out on the sofa and sighs.

"Tony's really excited." He states between a mouthfuls of toast.

"It sounds like you're already sold on it." Her voice in quiet. She sounds rough as anything.

"Well I want to see the figures but I think it'll be good." He's getting more and more behind the idea. He is sold actually and he's pretty sure that if the figures come back and they can't afford the bistro he'll be gutted.

"Would you do some sketches? I'll do the rough work but you'll be able to make it look more professional." And Tony will like that.

Her phone starts ringing. He'd charged it and turned it on as soon as he had woken up. She needed to be back into her life and she couldn't avoid everything or she could possibly get dragged completely down.

She winces heavily at her ring tone but makes no more to retrieve it from the kitchen so he goes.

"It's Callum."

"Decline it." She replied.

He's about to answer it but he looks at her and realises that now is not the right time to push her into talking to him even if he knows that's what's best.

"You're voice mail is full, and there's like twenty texts from him on here."

"I'll ring him later. Come on let's get some sketches done. Draw the layout out for me."

He talks as he draws explaining how the shell is put together and adds in what he wants to do. She mentions that it would be good for her to go and see first-hand and maybe they could go and work there on the plans, then work with Tony.

He talks about the colour scheme and the lighting and the furniture. And the more he's talking and the more he sees the plans on paper the more excited he's getting about it.

"I haven't gone in the bar yet but we'd need to do the same things again. But I want it separate so it'll have to be different so that they look very different and have a different feel."

"You should ask Callum he used to go to Spain and Italy all the time and he's forgotten more about wine than I'll ever know. To me it's one mouthful then it all tastes the same but he'd got a good collection."

"You think he'd help me out with this?" He frowned because he didn't think that he would.

"He will because I'll make him." She sounds like herself and it's a relief.

"So you will talk to him?"

"Eventually, I'll just get myself straightened out then I'll call him…" She sighs. "He's not going to take all this well."

He's not taking what happened to her well and he can't imagine Callum just accepting what happened without wanting to do something about it.

He has to go to work, he collects the sketches and tells her to call him if she wants, anytime because she may sound back to normal but she's still carrying an air of vulnerability that he's never found in her before.

Tony's buzzing with excitement when he gets into Ill Nosh. He's clearly delighted with everything around him. Joe is giving him odd looks like Tony's super good mood is freaking him out.

Tony sees him and makes a beeline for him.

"The estate agent thinks we can get twenty grand off the price, the owners are desperate to sell even though it's only been on the market a couple of weeks."

"I'll go get changed." He states. "These are some sketches." He hands the pile of papers into Tony's hand who immediately sits at an empty table and starts going through them.

He smiles reassuringly at Joe and dodges around Jenny to get himself a coffee.

"These are great." Tony smiles. "I like that." He points at the staircase. "These are really, really good."

"Laura's handy work." He replies.

"There's a restaurant that just closed in Liverpool their selling off all their kitchen equipment and Julian Fisher who did the repossession says that most of the stuff is still with him and he would be willing to do us a deal just to get rid of it."

Tony walks into the kitchen and grabs a file before returning and putting it down.

"I went through the figures last night and I rang the bank this morning about getting a loan, not a big one but I'd rather get a loan than sink all of our cash into it." Tony explains and runs through everything with him. His mind swirls a little when it gets to the outlay.

"Basically all we need are the building quotes I've already started ringing around but we need to really decide on what we want before we'll get accurate quotes. But we can put the offers to buy."

He's not going to argue.

"Fine let's buy them." He agrees.

* * *

It takes a few days to get the deal agreed but except for the long list of paperwork that needs to be completed they are the proud new owners of a husk and the bar next door. They celebrate with a bottle of champagne.

Between all the work Tony and himself have to put into the new business', his continued support of Laura and working with her to get all the designs ironed out, he barely has time to think about going to Ireland. Which he's pretty sure is a good thing. The only thing he does do is book and pay for the ferry.

He manages to avoid Cheryl again by leaving a voice mail of his plans. He misses her return call by accident confirming that Callum, Laura and himself will be staying on the estate and the day of arrival will a day before the Christening so they'll be able to have an evening meal together and catch up.

Callum comes in one day and he knows from the rage written across his face that Laura had finally relented and let him see her. She had called him a few times but she still refused to see him but today she had obviously completely given in.

"She says you were looking for some Tapas advice." He's agitated as he sits down.

Ste outlines his and Tony's plans for the bar.

"We're still looking for someone to run it but if you could point us in the general direction of what wines we should be considering it would be a real help. We're going upmarket but not too exclusive."

He hands Callum Tony's file with everything in it before dashing back to the kitchen to save Harry from himself.

He comes back to find Callum going through the finances, with the sketches to the side of him.

"What would you say if I offered to manage the bar?" Callum asked.

He looks at him and he can't help but feel he's looking at him like he's grown two heads.

"Why?"

"I've told you I want out and with what happened to Laura I think now's the time." He states. "I've got experience, I've got plenty of knowledge of wines and good food."

"You wouldn't mind working under me?"

Callum winks at him and smiles.

"Since you put it so nicely." He smiles suggestively then shakes his head. "I'm serious about getting out and I haven't got all the money to start something myself yet. I wouldn't mind as long as I get a say. I'll invest if that makes it easier."

"I'm fine with it but you'll have to talk to Tony." It would save the headache that they're already suffering trying to find the right person.

"How is she?" He asks.

"Fine apparently." He doesn't look convinced. "Shane just shook her up. Could have been so much worse." He sighed. "I wish Robert hadn't sorted it because I would have taken great pleasure in killing that bastard."

"Did she ask you about Ireland?"

He nods.

"I think it'll be good for her to get out of here for a few days and the further I am away from Robert and Mr Arthur the better."

"And we're okay to take your car?"

"Well you're not driving it and she's a bloody manic with a bit of horsepower at her disposal."

Harry calls for him.

"Tony will be in later but if you want call in and see him and talk it through." He gives him directions to Tony's house and gives Tony a call to let him know that Callum is coming over.

"Let me know how it goes." He said just as he rushes back to the kitchen.

He watches Callum leave and wonders just why he agreed to let a murdering, drug dealing, and frankly slightly mental bloke potentially manage one of his businesses because he wanted a change of lifestyle.

He doesn't have to think too hard to work out why. The reason, the name is scarred across his heart.

* * *

Next up: Ireland here we come. Section 4. Hope you're ready.


	32. Chapter 32

Second chapter of today mainly because I've been dying to write the end of this chapter since I first came up with this idea, I really excited to be finally getting to here and to be able to write the chapters after this.

I do admit to being anxious about it though because I'm not sure how it's going to go down with you readers, followers and reviewers. I'm sure you'll let me know.

Just realised that I have a pairing that isn't mentioned before because, well it wasn't relevant and it's not Cheryl/Nate, although that's another one I missed out.

8 nearly 9 years covered, 31 chapters written…

Welcome to the start of Section 4.

* * *

"We need a name." He's sitting in the front seat since Laura stated firmly that she wasn't going to be sitting in the front while 'you two talk businesses'.

"I bet Tony's going for Ill Nosh 2." Just because she's sitting in the back doesn't mean she's not beyond putting her two pence in.

"Funny you should say that." Because Tony had been banging on all week about it.

"No." Callum stated.

"Don't worry it's only the bistro. We haven't even started on the bar yet but I've got you to stop it being too horrible." Tony had agreed to Callum as manager and part owner. He had invested twenty grand and been signed on the deeds via a solicitor.

"Salt." Laura suggests.

"What?"

"Sallt. Double L."

He shakes his head in confusion.

"Ste, Amy, Leah, Lucas, Tony." She clarifies.

"I'll add it to the list." He likes it. Really likes it.

Although the mention of Leah and Lucas stabs at him a little, he had only managed to get up to Manchester for two hours in the lead up. Two hours with him kids in two months. It wasn't enough time. But he was filled in on Leah impressive school work and mock exam results and Lucas' team managing to get into the quarter finals. He promises to come to the semi-final and final and he means it. He will be there.

"Got something up your sleeve for the bar?" Callum asks.

"Nothing comes to mind." She replied.

There's still a tension between them that hasn't settled down to normal levels.

"Did you see the new drawings it's going to look proper classy?"

"Well we may as well make use of a talented artist." Callum's trying to get Laura back on side with compliments but he knows that's not going to cut.

"Well I've got a plenty of time on my hands."

"Oh how's that?" He asked.

"I walked."

"What?" Callum asks at the same time he does.

"My boss wouldn't give me the time off because I've been awol for the past couple of weeks pretty much so I walked. Doesn't matter I'll set up on my own when we get back." Easy as that. No fear of failure, simply that's what she's going to do.

"Can you do that?" He asked. He didn't know how it would work for her since all her clients were tied to the practice.

"I freelance already I'd just have to buy somewhere to set up an office. I talked to a girl I used to work with who's working in a detox clinic, they're looking for someone to deal with some of their more hard-core cases and she thinks I'll do well. Healthy salary and I have a couple of privet clients that will come with me and I get asked to do lectures in Manchester and Liverpool all the time I just didn't have the time. It'll be more travelling but I think it'll work well."

It pretty quick to load onto the ferry and Callum insists that he's staying with the car and they have to eat their breakfast out of the car because he doesn't want food in his car. Laura rolls her eyes at him and takes Ste's offered elbow.

They walk up and out onto the top deck, grabbing a couple of coffee's and pastries before sitting in the wonderful sunshine and eating while watching Ireland get ever closer.

"How are you doing?" Laura asked leaning back against the seat.

"Haven't had much time to think in the past few weeks. Now we're nearly there it's like my stomach's doing flips every time I think about seeing her again." He sighs and gives up on even pretending he's going to eat. "It's been eight years…"

There isn't much else he can say. Eight years.

They walk to the stern and look back to England then return to the bow and Ireland is really coming up on them.

Callum's standing outside the car on the phone as they hit the car deck. He told him that he was nearly out he just had to do a bit of gigging about for Mr Arthur and he would be free and clear or as free and clear as anyone ever got leaving that world. He was fairly certain that Laura had been working on her father without Callum knowing making it easier for him to get out.

"You do know that Callum tried to take out your Dad." He fairly certain that she does.

"Course wouldn't be Callum if he hadn't." She shrugs in reply. "Dad tried that one on me a decade ago to get me to come back."

"He thinks you don't know."

"Let him." She shrugs smiling. "Be funnier when he comes clean. You know begs for forgiveness."

"You're cruel." He snorts.

Callum gives them a calculating look then returns his attention to his phone call as they drop into their seats.

Thank god for sat nav is all he can say as they pull up the gates. It took an age to get to the estate even with Callum surpassing the speed limit at every opportunity.

Callum presses the intercom.

"Hello, this is Callum Taylor I'm here with Ste Hay and Laura Ellington to see Cheryl and Nate."

There's an excited squeal at the other end. Cheryl but she's not the one on the end of the intercom.

"Come straight up to the house." Nate. He'd forgotten his voice.

The gates swing open.

They drive up a long gravel road. The sun is setting.

"Fuck me that's impressive." Callum states as the mansion, more like castle comes into view.

"Queen of her castle." He mutters and Laura catches his shoulder.

He knows that he has to let his bitterness go.

There are a few cars around and the castle is lit up. Cheryl is standing out front on the steps, Nate next to her with a bundle in his arms.

"Ready?" Laura asks as Callum pulls to a halt.

He takes a deep breath and gets out.

"Ste love." Cheryl rushes forward and pulls him into a huge hug. She pushes him back slightly. "You look great." There are tears in her eyes as she pulls him back in. "I've missed you so much."

And here in Cheryl's warm embrace he realises that he's missed her too. He tightens his grip on her. Tears for in his eyes but he refuses to let them fall.

He doesn't know how long the stand there hugging but it's a long time and he does have to wipe his eyes when he lets her go and shakes hands with Nate.

"Cheryl, Nate this is Laura and Callum." He introduces them.

They exchange greetings.

Cheryl stares at him.

"I can't believe you're here." She smiles brilliantly and hugs him again.

"Come in leave you luggage, Yates will get it for you." Nate states and a man in a very neat uniform walks forward to the car. Callum watches him get the bags out of the back.

"You can park it to the side." Nate says pointing to the side since he seems to realise that no one else is going to be driving Callum's car anywhere.

"We're having a bit of a party, come in a join us. There's food and anything you could want to drink. We've got a few people staying." Nate adds.

He takes a deep breath. He wasn't prepared for other people.

"Come on." Cheryl grabs his arm and pulls him inside before he had resist or even protest and he's brought into a massive entrance hall. There are suits of armour and he feels like a castle never mind looks it.

"Cheryl show them their rooms and let them freshen up before they meet company." Nate states.

They follow her up the split staircase and to the left, along a massive corridor with doors every so often, turn right along another corridor with windows all along the outside so they can look out onto the barely lit estate.

"We didn't know what rooms you'd need."

"Single and a double." He replied looking around at the gorgeous paintings. He turns back to Cheryl who frowning but then smiles brightly and he wonders what he's said.

"That's what we put aside, both are double." She points to the two doors. "I better get back downstairs and let you get sorted out. It's a bit formal with some of Nate's family here but a shirt and jeans will be fine." She states and rushes off.

He turns and watches her go and realises that Callum is right behind him and Laura's looking out the window.

She must think that he and Callum… Shit. That's awkward but same old Cheryl jumping to conclusions without clarifying.

He chooses the room furthest away and they agree to meet in the corridor before heading down together.

Yates and a young man bring their luggage just as they go to enter and it saves a lot of hassle. He opens the door and… Christ. It's huge. His entire flat could fit in the room. There's a massive emperor sized four poster with white deep red covers and black and red cushions. The balcony catches his eye and he opens the door out onto it and steps outside. He can see the view from the front and the side of the house. Just beautiful in the fading light the view across the fields and woodland, a bit of scrub. A beautifully maintained garden to the side.

"Wow." He mutters to himself.

"Thanks." He says to the young man who was sneaking away out of the room. He walks back inside and closes the door to the balcony. There's an en suite.

He looks around and shakes his head at the luxury around him.

He opens his bag and pulls out a light blue shirt with darker blue detailing, luckily it hadn't been too badly creased when they had travelled and a pair of dark jeans. He brought his dress shoes and they're his only choice since his trainers aren't going to cut it. He has a quick wash and gets changed before fixing his hair. It's a little long. He hadn't had time to get it cut so he doesn't bother gelling it just flattens it a little.

Callum's in the corridor in a very nice tailored pin stripped suit, white shirt with no tie.

"She's taking an age." He moans a bit.

He knows that she taking her time to cover the tiny scare the cut Shane gave her left.

Five minutes later she walks out and he swears that Callum's jaw drops.

"Will I do?" She asks knowingly.

He snorts and nudges Callum who nods.

"Yeah." He clears his throat. "Not bad."

He laughs at them a little as they start back down the corridors.

"I don't know any of Nate's family." He states and they hit the staircase.

"Don't worry we'll not leave you high and dry." Callum states and puts a hand on his shoulder.

He frowns at him. Callum's never been so nice to him but then Laura's never looked like that when they're all together and he puts it down to that and that he's about to help him get out of a life he no longer wants.

Yates is waiting for them at the bottom and shows them into a massive hall where there are people everywhere talking in little groups.

Cheryl is over the far side with Nate. Their daughter must have been taken to bed because he can't see him anywhere.

He hears Declan before he sees him.

"Ste." He calls and appears from behind him. "Alright?" He's huge, most have grown a foot and certainly filled out.

"Yeah. How are you?" He asks numb. He didn't even think. Of course Declan is here. It's his nieces christening.

"Great. This is Amber." He introduces a tall leggy blonde beautiful girl to him. "My wife."

He recovers in time to stop himself looking like an idiot.

"Certainly punching above your weight." He states and Declan looks at Amber.

"I know." He replies.

"Have you seen…?" Declan is cut off by Cheryl's arrival.

"What can I get you to drink?" She asks looking around a little.

She acting strangely or at least strange compared to how she was. Maybe she's changed.

"Anything I'm not fussed." He replied. "Callum? Laura?"

"Wine will be fine." Callum replies. His arms around Laura's waist and he catches Cheryl looking and she looks panicked for a moment before leading them to the drinks table.

He looks over the collection of bottles, he doesn't know what half the stuff is so he settles on a bottle of beer. Callum looks over the wine with a cultured eye.

"That's two hundred a bottle." He mutters as he pours himself and Laura a glass. "What's my budget again?" He looks at Ste who rolls his eyes because there is no way they are serving a two hundred quid bottle of wine never mind stocking it in the bar.

He turns back to the room to see who else is there.

He stared, frozen to the spot. The room seemed to disappear. The noise of all the people's inane chatter slide away to nothing. He wished he could tear his eyes away but he couldn't. No way. Even if it was shredding his insides and tearing his heart into a thousand pieces. He was staring at his worst nightmare and can't look away for fear it wasn't real.

There at the far side of the room was Brendan Seamus Brady of North Dublin with his tongue down the throat of a young blond man.

* * *

The pairing I missed was Brendan/OMC.


	33. Chapter 33

Wow… Quite a reaction…

Thank you for your reviews. It means a lot to me that you take the time to read this never mind reviewing. So thank you so much.

"Guest" you know who you are (since I can't PM you) – I really thought I'd fucked this completely up when I read your first review because you've been so so supportive of this. How to give a clue without giving too much away… If you hate Brendan forever I've got this completely wrong.

I admit I did have half a freak out… Alright, hands up, a big freak out and I did consider altering the plot to another version, I even wrote half this chapter in that version before getting a grip.

This is when I hate the restriction I put on myself by writing from Ste's POV because there are so very many conversations I want to happen to between characters but he has to be there to witness them to remain true to the POV. I chose to do it so I'll just have to put up with it.

Anyway, possibly shorter than some would wish, possibly not covering as much as I should but I'm posting.

* * *

He couldn't move. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't do anything but stare.

"Ste what?" Laura asked and she touched his arm. She looks where he's looking.

"Is that? Oh shit."

He's going to pass out. He's going to be sick. He doesn't know what the fuck he's going to do but Christ his chest is burning at him. Tears are in his eyes already.

Brendan stopped kissing the man, they break apart and he looks in his direction, does a clear double take. Then he's staring back.

There's no one else there, not in his mind. Just Brendan.

Brendan who's not in prison. Who looks… Jesus fuck looks incredible. Broad shoulders. Lean body. Suit immaculately tailored. Suit unbuttoned revealing his chest hair. Brendan who's as beautiful, as gorgeous as ever. Who's not in prison. Who is in the same room.

Who's got his arm around a skinny young man.

He can't look away. He wants to but if he looks away Brendan might not be there when he looks back.

He thought he knew heartbreak thought he knew what it was but he had never felt his heart shatter before.

Brendan was out, had served his time and he hadn't come for him.

Hadn't… Hadn't even asked. He hadn't come for him. After all those promises after all the… After everything.

Brendan was with someone else.

"Ste."

His vision is going at the edges.

"Come with me." Laura's leading him away but his eyes aren't leaving Brendan's until he's out of the room, Laura leads him outside and he's falling to his knee's on the gravel.

"Breath Ste." Laura states firmly. "Breath."

It's heaving. Choking and god it hurts. He's shaking and he can't… He can't… He wouldn't have…

He's having an anxiety attack and he doesn't care because his world has just fallen out from under him.

Tears stream down his face but he doesn't wipe them away, just lets them fall.

"Ste." Laura's there trying to make it through to him but…

Brendan didn't come for him.

Brendan… After everything he'd been through… Everything he'd put himself through tying himself in knots with guilt.

He can't…

"Ste love?" Cheryl.

"Not now." Laura states and puts herself between her and him.

"Steven." Brendan. The voice of the man who has haunted his dreams. Scarred his heart. Who he loves more than anything. Who he'd do anything for. Who'd…

He can't handle this, he scrambles to his feet and he's running. He doesn't know where he's going, doesn't care. Couldn't give a shit as long as it's away.

He runs and runs.

He can hear the thump of his heart in his ears almost matching the pounding of his feet of the ground.

He's running and all he can think about it running…

He's legs give out suddenly and he crashes into the long grass. He lies there and sobs into the ground.

He feels like he's dying. Like his soul's breaking and nothing can save him.

He thought he knew pain, he knew nothing.

His chest is heaving and bile rises up his throat and he forces himself to his knee's to throw up.

He tries to catch his breath, tries anything but he can't… he leans back and screams.

He's choking, dry sobbing, body heaving. His eyes are streaming.

Brendan didn't come for him.

He dry heaves and dry heaves but there's nothing inside him. There's nothing left. There's nothing.

He gets to his feet because even being, he doesn't know how far from this whole thing isn't enough. He… He didn't come… He chokes. He didn't come… He gave up on them… He gave up on him… Didn't want him… Didn't need him…

He walks and walks and his muscles burn, his chest aches and it doesn't matter because Brendan didn't come for him.

Brendan didn't love him.

He collapses to the grass again and curls in on himself.

It's raining. He can feel it. And it's burning his over sensitive skin. Each heavy drop like a dagger.

He sits up and lets it hurt. Let's the rain soak him through…

He's sitting in the middle of an expanse of grassland without a single defining feature anywhere to be seen.

Brendan didn't love him. Never had. Not as much as he had loved Brendan. Never as much and he'd been such a fool to believe he did.

To think that he could mean that much to someone like Brendan.

That a scally like him could ever be more than a passing fancy of a man like Brendan Brady.

He shook his head.

He'd been an idiot.

He'd broken himself into pieces time and time again for Brendan and Brendan didn't love him. Didn't want him. Didn't need him. And didn't even care enough to tell him.

He had someone else. Someone younger. Prettier. A new model to entertain him.

"You fucking idiot." He spat at himself and punched the ground as hard as he could but it wasn't hard enough. It didn't hurt enough.

He wrapped his arms around himself and sobbed.

Heart in tiny splintered pieces, soul empty, guts feeling like they were spilling out in front of him and his head throbbing.

God he still wanted him. The realisation strikes him like a sledge hammer. All of this and he still wants, needs and loves Brendan.

He hacked a laugh. He couldn't stop. He laughed and laughed and laughed at nothing, at the deep burning. He laughed until he dry heaved from it.

"Ste!" He shook his head. It was light. Drizzling with rain. There was a mist all-round the hilltops.

"Ste!" The voice was tiny, so distant.

He can't bring himself to care.

"Ste!" It was louder and getting louder.

He didn't acknowledge it.

"Ste, hey." Laura. She was at his side.

"Christ." She wrapped a something around him.

"You stay there." She was talking to someone.

"Steven."

It was a physical pain across his chest. Deep earth shattering agony.

"Ste." Laura was gently wrapping him up. He collapsed forward onto her. She fusses with him a bit. Touching his face and warmth of her finger burns on his skin.

"You'll have to carry him." She states.

"No." He struggled away from her.

"Steven." There's no warmth when he says his name.

"What?!" He screamed. He stumbled as he got to his feet and fell backwards onto his arse in the wet grass.

There he was Brendan Brady. Untouchable. Unbreakable. A free man. So beautiful just looking at him hurt.

"Ste." Laura tried to reach him again.

"Steven." There's force but no care.

"What Brendan? Eight fucking years I've waited. When did you get out?!" His voice is wrecked but he has the strength for this.

"A year ago." He doesn't even sound sorry. He's not sorry. Why would he be? He doesn't know what he's done.

A year… It knocks the wind out of him for a moment.

"And you didn't think that maybe you should fucking tell me? You know stop me ripping myself apart at the thought of you in prison. Didn't even care enough for that?"

"It wasn't like that Steven." He's so cold, so calm in the face of his anger. His pain.

"Oh it wasn't like that well I am fucking glad. So please fucking tell me what was it like?! You just stroll out the prison gates and think brilliant fresh start, forget all about me."

He could kill him. He wants to kill him.

His visions going, he's shaking so much he can't control it.

"He's properly got hypothermia now is not the time for a fucking slanging match. Now pick him up and we'll get him back to Cherly's and we'll sort his health because fuck knows what you've done to his head." Laura states.

And Brendan's lifting him up and he's so warm. His chest is so firm, he presses closer but Brendan's moving away. He puts a hand on Brendan's chest anyway. His heart beat is strong. Right there and…

He wakes up in the huge four poster. He turns his head. His visions is blured. There's a figure in a suit sitting next to the bed. For a moment he wants to believe but he blinks and it clears. He knew it wasn't him.

"Hey." Callum offers him some water which he chokes slightly on.

"Easy."

Callum leans over his legs and taps Laura.

"Sleeping beauty woke up." He states.

"Fuck you." His voice is wrecked.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

Wrung out. Sore. Striped to the bone. Frayed to the edges of sanity.

"Alright." He replied.

"Hungry?" Callum asks and it's clear that he's looking for a get out.

"Not really." He doesn't think his stomach could handle anything.

"Some toast if you don't mind. Tea if it's still going."

Callum gets up and leaves the room.

"Everyone's at the Christening. I said we'd look after you. Didn't think it would be fair to stop Katherine's big day." She's being gentle because she knows he's not alright.

"I…" The tears are coming back. He bite his lip and shakes his throbbing head.

"Hey, hey. Shhhhhhh." She hugs him and soothes as much as she can but they both know it's for nothing.

There is no soothing this hurt.

He calms himself down as much as possible and he hopes that he isn't looking as wrecked as he feels when Callum enters with a tray which he puts by the side.

"I'm going to get a shower." Callum excuses himself. Well aware that Ste doesn't want him to see him like this.

Laura gets off the bed and makes herself a tea from the pot and the selection of condiments.

"Earl Grey. Christ they live in a castle of course it's Earl Grey." She puts the cup back down. "No PG tips or Tetley's here."

He can't even smile.

He needs to get up and move. He can't sit still because if he's sitting he's thinking and he can't keep thinking.

He grabs a pair of jeans out of his open bag and slides them on holding onto the bed for support otherwise he's going to fall flat on his face. He moves out to the balcony, opens the doors and steps out.

Laura follows bringing the throw from the bed and wrapping it around him.

"I can't believe… A year Laura." He mutters in defeat and leans his head back against the stone.

They sit together doing nothing just sitting. He wraps the throw tighter and closes his eyes.

He hears it. Shouting getting louder.

"…You should have fucking told me he didn't know." Cheryl.

"I didn't know you'd invited him." Brendan.

They're getting closer.

"You told me that he didn't want anything to do with you."

His heart twists.

"I lied." His still cold. Even arguing with Cheryl he's cold.

"Really. What a surprise you lied!"

"He…"

"What? Come on Bren the state of him last night he looked like he'd seen a ghost. Jesus. You couldn't have done more damage if you hit him again."

There's a pause. He can hear feet on the gravel.

"Don't you walk away from me!" Cheryl shouts.

But he can tell he has because he hears the door shut, followed by angry heels clicking on the step and the door opening then slamming shut.

He leans into Laura and she wraps a hand around his neck, palm on his cheek.

"What do you want to do?" She asks.

He shrugs. He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything anymore.

There's a knock on the door.

"Ste love?"

He looks at Laura and hopes she understands what he's trying to say. He can't deal with anything right now. Silence is what he needs even if it's causing an itching in his bones.

She nods and gets up.

"Ste?"

Laura closes the door to the balcony and heads back inside.

"Is he alright?" He can still hear.

"Now really isn't a good time." Laura replies being diplomatic but there's an edge and if Cheryl, of course Cheryl isn't going to know.

"I just need to explain…" Cheryl's not going to take no for an answer.

"Not now." There it is the sharpness.

"I didn't know…" He sticks his fingers in his ears. He doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to hear her explanation. He feels like a kid again, sticking his fingers in his ears to stop himself hearing what was happening downstairs but never quite managing to block the shouting, always finding himself straining to hear even though he wished he couldn't. This time though with a door between him and the noise, he can't hear anything except his own heartbeat, his breathing and the slight rustling his fingers are making in his ear channel.

A movement catches his eye and he looks down to the gravel below.

Brendan's there and he's pacing. Rubbing his face and grabbing at his hair. He turns towards the house then back again. He's debating something. He's talking to someone.

He takes his fingers out of his ears.

"… It was a long time ago Dean."

"The way you looked at him…"

He leans forward a little and sure enough the skinny blonde kid, well man is there standing his ground.

"It was a shock seeing him." Brendan shrugs as though it's nothing.

"Brendan…"

"He's someone I was with years ago I didn't expect him to show up here alright?"

There's a pause.

"He's Steven isn't he?"

"Yeah." At least he's not denying his existence.

"Dad." Declan comes into view. "They're about to do the toasts."

"I'll be there in a second." Brendan replies and Declan goes back inside. "Okay?" He looks to the young man, Dean apparently.

"Fine." Dean huffs and walks across the gravel with Brendan following a step behind. He stops. He starts to turn then stops again. Shakes his hands out and looks up to the sky before continuing inside.


	34. Chapter 34

Thank you for your reviews.

* * *

"Coming back in?" Laura asks standing looking out across the estate.

"Cheryl gone?" He asks.

"Yeah, I don't think she likes me." She shrugs.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He tries to push up but his legs aren't cooperating. He'd sat still too long.

She offers her hand and he takes it and pushes up as she pulls. He wraps his arms around her and hugs her.

"I want to go home." He states. He isn't sure but it feels right coming out of his mouth.

He wants to go back to Hollyoaks and forget he ever came here. Forget that Brendan's out of prison and forget everything he ever thought about love.

"Ste…" She starts.

"I don't care." He snaps. "I just want to go home."

She looks at him for a moment then nods.

"Alright. I'll get Callum to get the car packed."

She helps him to the bed then walks out of the room, closing the door behind her.

He sits and he knows that he should start packing but he can't bring himself to find the energy.

He stares at the burgundy carpet and traces the pattern of cream and blue that runs through it.

He clenches his jaw. Purses his lips and shakes his head.

"How did you think this would end Steven?"

Like a fucking fairy-tale because he had fucking earned it.

He had poured his guts out. Taken every hit going. Fought the battle line and given his soul, his heart, his kids, fucking everything to that man and he…

He's broken himself into so many pieces he doesn't think he'll ever find them all again.

He's not going home.

Fuck him. Fuck Cheryl. He's not scurrying away.

"Ready?" Laura asks as she walks through the door.

"No." He states. "Isn't there some party going on?" He smiles and he knows it's angry.

"Ste…" She seen it and she's warning him.

"Yes?" He's going to fucking rip Cheryl's perfect little world apart because fuck her for getting out of this without a scratch. His heart has been ripped out and it's beating on floor downstairs.

He can see Laura debating what to say because she's been here before. She's faced this anger and last time, last time he nailed her with it.

"You might want to get changed." She states because she knows he's going downstairs with or without her. And there is nothing she can say or do short of tying him to the bed that's going to stop him.

He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. No. That won't do. He has to look good. He has to pick himself up and look amazing because fuck you Brendan Brady and your boy toy. Fuck you Cheryl Tenbury-whatever and your castle.

He takes his time to get himself clean, his hands are filthy, there's mud all over him and he hadn't even realised. He scrubs himself, washing his hair. He scrubs until he feels clean. His skin is blotchy where he pressed too hard. No. He has to look flawless.

The mirror is steamed up, he wipes he hand across it. His eyes are puffy and raw. No. They don't get to see anymore. They don't get to see his hurt. They don't get the satisfaction of knowing how much pain they've caused. He isn't breaking this time because there's nothing left to break. He has anger as a crutch and it's going to see him through this.

He makes a cold compress from toilet roll, just as Amy used to do and wraps a dressing gown around himself that he finds behind the door. He walks over to the bed and lies on the crumpled covers placing the compress over his eyes.

The anger is burning in him now. He can feel it. It makes his fingers twitch and his muscles ache for release. But he holds it down, forces it to cold hard fury because that's what he needs. Too hot and he won't be able to control it, cold, the colder the better and he'll have everything he needs.

The compress becomes warm from his body heat and he checks in the mirror, he's looking better but not good enough so he prepares another one and returns to the bed.

He doesn't let himself think about what he's going to do because if he does he has half a fear that his anger won't be there when he needs it. Who is he trying to kid? He's got more than enough anger for this. He knows because the pit it comes from is deeper than ever before after last night. He has so much more fuel for the fire.

He digs in his bag and finds the dark jeans that used to be part of his clubbing outfit. They're classy enough to pass for the party but that's not the point. He finds his white shirt. He pulls out his suit jacket then stops and puts it back down. Why the hell should he stick to the dress code?

He checks the mirror again, rolls the sleeves up on his shirt. Leaves one more button than he would usually undone.

"Ste you ready?" She asks carefully.

Maybe she's wondering if she's changed his mind, maybe she's hoping he has.

He steps out into the room.

He sees her purse her lips.

"Bit of friendly advice?" She ask then pushes on before he can reply. "Tone down the look what your missing look otherwise he's going to know he's gotten to you." Bit late after his exploits last night he thinks.

She walks across to his bag and rummages around a bit. "Roll down your sleeves, put your jacket on and a tie, not this tie."

He frowns at her. He's only brought one tie.

"Two seconds." She leaves the room and returns a couple of minuets later of a simple various shades of grey tie. Obviously Callum's because for one it's silk and two who else would she have robbed it off?

"Button your shirt and put that on."

He does as he's told.

She drops a set of dress shoes at his feet, his must still be drying or their ruined either way he's grateful because he doesn't want to wear his trainers for this. They aren't going to look down their noses at him today.

"Go look." She smiles tightly.

He looks in the bathroom mirror. He looks good. He looks calm. He looks the opposite of what he's feeling. Yeah. That's how he wants to enter, it's not how he's going to leave.

"Callum's already down there casing Nate's wine collection." She states. "Told him he should do it now."

He nods. Takes a deep breath, lets the anger to the surface then pushes it back down again. Checking his control.

He smiles. And she shakes her head, she doesn't think this is going to end well and god she has no idea how right she is.

She stays next to him as they walks down the corridor. When they get to the top of the stairs he pauses and she takes his hand gives it a tight squeeze before releasing it. He nods to her and they walks down.

"Good afternoon Mr Hay." He frowns at Yates. He didn't even realise that the bloke knew his name.

"Hi." He replies.

"Drinks are being served in the main hall." Yates states and gestures to the room they were in last night. The door is open and he can hear the noise from the people, laughing, chatting happily. It makes him grit his teeth.

Laura looks at him and nods before walking away seeming to realise he needs a moment to get himself prepared.

"Ste love?" Cheryl's behind him.

"Cheryl." He doesn't turn, he can't because if he does then everything he's ready to say will come out wrong. He needed to prepare, now she'd even robbed him of that.

"I didn't know love honestly I didn't. I never would have…"

"What?" He impresses himself with the control of his voice.

"I never would have let you come here not knowing. I didn't say anything on the phone because I thought you already knew and it's not the kind of thing you leave on a message is it? By the way Brendan's coming."

He'd glad she can't see his face because he knows the curl of his lip isn't pleasant.

"But you invited me anyway." He nods to himself. She really was that clueless.

"Bren told me you didn't want to see him, you didn't want anything to do with him and sweetheart I know it's been a long time and you've moved on so I thought that you would speak to me."

Hang on… What?

"Oh really? I've moved on." There's spit in his tone.

"Doug said…"

Doug. He balls his fists.

"That you'd had a rough time but that you'd settled down with this nice bloke, Jamie? Is that right?"

He smiles to himself in disbelief and shakes his head and whips round.

"Yeah my life is all peaches and cream Cheryl." He sneers at her and her mouth drops.

"Ste." She states and there's sympathy. Sympathy from her. Christ that's the last thing he wants from her.

"Maybe next time you speak to Doug you can ask him how my life is any of his fucking business for a start. Then maybe you can explain to me why you went running to him to find out about _my_ life." Cold fury is holding out. He's still in control although at the rate she's going it's not going to hold out for long.

"I… I didn't mean to upset you."

"Oh well thanks. Bang up job on that front eh. You know what Cheryl you've got no idea what I've been through these last eight years, not a fucking clue and you stand there thinking you know." He shakes his head. "You know nothing." He keeps his voice down. "But that's the story of your life isn't it? Your Dad was raping your brother and all the while you were Daddy's little girl, couldn't see what was happening right under your nose." He knows that he's being out of line but how dare she think she knows what his life has been like. "Don't stand there and think because Doug told you I was alright that I was because he doesn't know. You ruined my life Cheryl. You killed your Dad, you pulled the trigger and you let Brendan take the blame and you didn't say a word. You didn't even have the guts to admit it was you that rid the world of that bastard. You took a life, a life you should have been proud of taking because I would have fucking killed him if I had had the chance but you took it away. You took my chance… You ruined my life Cheryl. My future and my happiness."

"I…" The tears are steaming down her face.

"You ran away to Ireland. You married the man of your dreams. Got a castle. Made a family. You ran away and you didn't think for a second about what might happen to me."

"You said…" She can barely get the words out.

"Oh I said. What did you expect me to say? Did you think I was going to turn around and tell you to walk into that police station? No. I didn't because I thought that your conscience would kick in and you'd walk in there on your own and you know what I wish I hadn't given you the choice. You should have rotted in there beside him because both of you deserve it."

"I think that's about enough." Nate.

"It really isn't." He's got plenty more to say to her.

"You're a guest in our home."

"I am and you know what I'm glad I'm just a guest because that means I can leave. But I have something to say to Brendan."

"I really don't think that's a good idea." Possibly not but he's doing it anyway.

"You don't let me and I'll let all those people in there know exactly what your wife is like and tell them the truth."

"It wouldn't matter." Nate sounds sure.

"Really? I think it would. Do you think that she'd hold up? Think she'd be able to convince them I'm a liar?" He looks at Cheryl tear stained face, at the hitch in her breathing. "Because I know she wouldn't."

"Ste." Nate looks as rattled as he hoped he would.

"You married a murderer, you had kids with her knowing. What kind of person does that make you eh? All lar de dar in your castle, in your own little world. You stand in my way and I'll tear it down."

There a pregnant pause.

"Jesus Ste. What happened to you?" Cheryl chokes out.

"Like you even have to ask." He spat. "Now are you going to let me go in there or am I doing it anyway?" He looks at them.

"I'll get Brendan." Nate suggests obviously worried about him causing a scene.

"No. I need a drink first." He states because he's in control here. He holds all the cards.

He walks into the hall. He can clearly hear Cheryl's heels as she runs to Nate and hear her crying while he tries to calm her down.

He surveys the room.

"Drink?" Laura offers him a glass. He's about to push past her but she presses his arm. "Take a deep fucking breath and calm down."

He shrugs out of her grasp and looks around the room. Where is he? He searches the faces but Brendan's not there. He's not in the room.

Brendan's not there.

The frustration brings tears to his eyes. He's so angry. In so much pain and Brendan couldn't even have the decency to be there to feel his wrath.

He feels like he's coming apart at the seams. He needs to get his anger out. Needs to throw it all at the man that deserves it. But he's not there. He tries to calm himself down but his control is slipping.

Laura takes his arm and he lets himself be lead outside into the garden and away from the group near the doors. She leads him away, around the corner and down gravel paths until there on a set of raised decking surrounded by trees.

He lets himself slump to a wooden deck chair, Laura pulls another closer and sits opposite.

"Here." She pushes a bottle of Vodka into his hand.

He unscrews the lid and takes a deep gulp, choking as the burn hits him and it's enough to pull him back.

He takes another mouthful.

"What the fuck am I going to do?" He asks. And he's not sure who he's asking. He's not even sure what he's asking.

"What do you want to do?" She asks.

"Hit him so hard he doesn't wake up." He states the sighs. "I don't know." The anger's retreated from the surface to be replaced by exhaustion. He's tired. Worn down. In bits.

He takes another drink.

"Callum will be wondering where you are." He states. She shrugs but he nods, he wants some time alone. Time to think, time to breath without anyone there. He needs to think but he doesn't really want to.

He's too... Everything it too much. Too much pain, too much heartbreak, too much anger, too much frustration, just too much for him.

He leans back on the chair, closes his eyes and lazily takes another drink before letting the bottle rest on the decking.

He wishes it was warmer so he could feel the sun's rays on his back. So there would be something to focus on instead of the swirl of thoughts around his head.

He clamps down hard on them. He's had enough.

So he focuses of the rustle of the leaves, the cool air, the threat of rain that he can almost taste. He focuses on just existing for a while.

A cool blast of wind makes up his mind and he wonders back up the garden and he wishes he knew all the entrances because he doesn't really want to use the front but there's nothing for it. There are a few people getting into their cars and leaving, smiling and waving at each other. He manages to get through without them paying him any attention.

He thinks for half a second he's going to be able to get to his room without anyone confronting him but as walks up the left staircase and he closes his eyes against it. Wishes he could fade into the walls because his anger isn't within reach below the exhaustion.

"Ste." Cheryl. She's sitting at the top of the staircase, mascara running down her face. Face a mass of smudged make up.

He goes to step around her.

"I haven't got the perfect life I…"

He feels the anger bubble but fail to ignite his tired limbs.

"I don't want to hear it." He states bitterly and she doesn't make any move or say anything else as he brushes past her.

He wonders along the corridor and pauses to look out over the countryside. Tries to work out just where he ended up, but he can't even remember which direction he went in. It was all just a mass. Just a mess.

He takes a deep breath and let's his shoulders slump a bit.

"Steven."


	35. Chapter 35

Thank you for your reviews and support.

More than a bit anxious about this chapter (I've got serious butterflies as I'm writing this, I always put the author's notes in last just before I post), I've edited it a lot, I'm still not completely happy but if I don't post it I'll just keep fiddling and this entire story will end up stuck.

So here goes...

* * *

He looks over his shoulder at the young skinny man although on closer inspection he doesn't look all that much younger than himself. Dirty blond hair which is a little too long to be short. Brown eyes.

He sighs and looks away.

"That's right isn't it? You're the famous Steven? I was beginning to hope that you were dead and buried but here you are." Dean sneers at him.

He frowns. What the hell?

"Whatever." He pushes away from the wall, he intends to get back to his room but Dean in standing in his way.

"Not whatever." Dean snaps at him. "Brendan's mine." There's possession in his tone and aggression in his stance.

He can't help but laugh a little at him.

"You're welcome to him."

"No, no, you see I don't need you permission. He's mine. So get your shit and get out."

It brings a smile to his face. This kid for want of a better word telling him what to do. Dean wants to push him down and kick him out the door well he's not going anywhere and he's not in the mood to let some little toy boy think that he can tell him what to do.

He may not know Dean but he knows his type. Knows what insecurity can do and Dean wouldn't be standing there giving it the 'big I am' without being anxious. If he thought that Brendan was all his then he wouldn't feel the need to confront him.

"Who are you? Just the latest notch on the bed post. You want to have a serious look at yourself mate because Brendan doesn't belong to anyone, won't let himself."

"Is that what you tell yourself to get to sleep at night? That he won't give himself completely to anyone? Because he has Steven…"

"It's Ste. And I don't give a shit what or who he does."

"Good. I thought we were going to have a problem but obviously not." Dean still angry. He walks up close to him. "You were never good enough for a man like that. Like you," Dean looks him up and down, "could ever keep a man like my Brendan happy."

"I would ask _your_ Brendan about that because… Well you can see it can't you?"

"See what?" Dean asks.

"Well look at you and look at me, not much physical difference is there. Do you ever wonder when he's fucking you whether he's thinking about me now that you've seen me? Or do you know that he is?"

Dean lashes out and cracks him in the jaw. He laughs at him.

"Thought you might." He says then licks the tiny bit of blood off his lip. It's not split he just caught the inside with his teeth. "Careful Dean you'll even have me thinking that you're just my replacement. That I could just walk up to Brendan and he'd cave to all my filthiest desires because he's been dying to have the real thing. It's been eight years, nearly nine that's a long time for a man like Brendan not to have what he really wants. You may stave off the hunger for a while but you and I both know that he's starving for the real thing."

Dean pales.

"So why don't you go and find Brendan and enjoy it while it lasts because I could get him back any time I want. All I'd have to do is let him back in and he'd have his dick in me quicker than," He clicks his fingers. "All I have to do is let him."

Dean considers him for a moment. He's staring defeat in the face but Ste sees it. The moment he finds something.

"He waited for me… Met me at the prison gates when I got out. He bought me a home… He didn't go to you. He wants me not you or he would have gone and got you. Time to face it Ste_ven_ you may think that you could get him back but the truth is he doesn't want you."

"Believe that if you want." He spits and he knows Dean can see the crack in his amour. The hurt. He's trying not to show it but it's there.

Dean smirks at him and wonders back down the corridor.

He shakes his head waiting until Dean's out of sight and collapses against the stone. Fucking hell he's never blagged so hard in all his life and Christ that's saying something. The number of times he has bullshited his way out of tight spots, that, facing down the toy boy is the hardest he's ever had to work to keep it together, keep lying, keep the pressure on and his exhaustion got to him in the end. Not wanting to keep the façade up, not having the energy got to him and he had cracked but he still managed to fuck with Dean a bit and that makes him feel better until he starts walking down the corridor thinking about what he said, the way he said it.

Kevin did the same thing to him. Plagued him with insecurities until he didn't know which way was up and doubted Brendan. He's not that person. He's not and he doesn't want to be.

He blames it on his ruined heart and physical exhaustion but the truth is he doesn't like this side of him and he knows it's there. He can be a proper shit when the mood takes him and Dean possibly didn't deserve what he got.

But he was the one that started it so it's his fault that he forced him.

It's not an excuse.

A day and a half in the general vicinity of the Brady's and he's not a person he likes. Not that he loved himself to begin with. What they've done to him… What he's done to himself… He sighs and shakes his head.

He walks past Laura and Callum's door and he can hear someone. A man. He moves closer. Two men. He presses his ear to the door.

"…doesn't know?"

That's Brendan. What the fuck is Brendan doing in Callum and Laura's room?

"What do you take me for?" Callum.

His hand is turning the handle without him realising until he's inside the room confronted by Brendan leaning against the wood panels of the wall and Callum sitting on the bed. Both with tumblers of whiskey.

"Well isn't this cozy?" He states. Anger right back where he needs it.

"Steven." There's surprise in Brendan's voice and it's the first time he's heard any emotion when he says his name since… It's been a long time.

"Hi Brendan, long time no see." He sneers. "Been too busy I take it?"

"Ste." Callum looks shocked to see him, but his surprise is quickly covered.

"I really don't think you should be speaking to me right now do you?" He snaps at Callum.

Callum looks at him, considers him for a moment and must read something that tells him that he is not to be fucked with.

"I'll just…" He gestures for the door.

"I think you should." He'll deal with Callum later.

Callum walks out the door leaving them alone. The first time they've been alone since the hospital...

He stares at Brendan and Brendan stares right back. The tension is thick. Silence deafening.

Brendan sniffs and licks his lips.

"Chez didn't deserve that." Brendan states. His eyes are cold. Everything about him is cold and in control and that's not on. Not after what he's done. He needs to see something because otherwise that really will be it and he won't be accountable for his actions never mind his words.

"Oh she come running did she? Well isn't that refreshing? Eight years and it's the same story. You defending her."

"Steven." There's a warning edge.

"What?" He snaps.

Brendan flicks his fingers and he can see him gritting his teeth.

"This…" He gestures his fingers around. "This was never meant to happen."

"I wasn't meant to find out you were out you mean." He can't keep the anger from his voice and he's glad because this time it covers the hurt.

"Yeah." He looks uncomfortable and that's not nearly good enough.

"You fucking twat!" He shouts and he forces himself to rein in his temper as quick as it let loose. "You utter complete bastard." He lashes out at the closet thing and it happens to be a lamp it goes flying into the corner in the far side of the room. "You have no idea."

"Steven…"

"Oh don't fucking Steven me you prick."

"I know you're angry."

"Really and what makes you think that?"

"Steven." He states firmly.

He stares at him. Him and his collected composure, his coldness. He shifts in his chair a little. Brendan Brady is never still even when he's trying to be. There's always something. Always some movement.

"I fucking…" He's about to pour it out but stops himself because Brendan doesn't deserve to know. Doesn't get the satisfaction to know what he caused. He scrubs at his jaw it aches a bit where Dean hit him.

"Why?" He asks. It's breathless and it's quiet because he's not sure he wants to open this can of worms.

Brendan looks blankly at him.

"Why?" He asks he stares at Brendan wanting him to get a fucking clue because he should fucking know the answer.

"Why what?" Brendan frowns.

Why didn't he let him visit? Why didn't he read his letters? Why did you sacrifice himself for his selfish bitch of a sister? Why did he take the blame? Why did he confess to all those murders? Why did he start this? Why didn't he come back? Why did he leave him? Why did he let him fall in love with him? Why did this have to happen? Why hurt him like this?

He shuts himself down, wraps his fury around himself and swallows it. He's not begging for answers. Brendan should be giving them freely because he realises that he deserves them. He shouldn't have to be even asking for them.

"Doesn't matter."

He turns to leave. But Brendan's out of his chair and grabbing his arm and turning him round to face him before he has chance to touch the handle.

They're close. Brendan's right in front of him. He can smell him. Same musk. Same intoxicating scent that takes him from zero to a hundred in less than a second, can't believe his body is betraying him.

"Get off me." He states and it's weaker than it should be, weaker than he wants to be.

"Sorry." He actually sounds it and he backs off. "Don't leave. I…" He closes his eyes.

"So now you don't want me to leave?" He barks a laugh. "Well I didn't want you to leave but you did it anyway so I guess this makes us even." They're a very, very long way from even. He gets a hand on the handle and turns it before he feels Brendan against his back his arm across his shoulder and holding the door shut.

"Please." Brendan states.

"You lost all right to ask anything of me the second you shut me out." He turns his head.

"Please Steven." He whispers. His lips are almost touching his ear. He's trying to make him back down, trying to get through, but he's not allowed. Not now.

"Let go of the door." He grinds out.

"I couldn't let Cheryl go down for that." He states quickly. "It would've killed her."

"Shame." He snaps.

"You don't mean that." He's too close, never thought he'd find the day when Brendan is too close to him but today's that day.

"Don't I?" He sneers. "Going to tell me it was all for the best? Going to say how she deserved a life? Well you can save it."

"This isn't you." Brendan states. There's disbelief in his voice and written all over his face along with a touch of disappointment and it's not fair.

It's not fair that Brendan is disappointed in him, not after what he's done.

"This is what's left." He pushes back and catches Brendan unaware so that he stumbles back far enough that he can open the door. "This is what you've done to me." He says as a parting shot and he walks out shutting the door behind him.

He's needs another door between them and he rushes to his room. Brendan comes out of Laura and Callum's room and they catch each other's eye just as he slams the door blocking the corridor and Brendan from sight. He turns the key, locking the world out.

"Steven." Brendan shouts banging on the door he's sitting with his back against, he can feel the force for the hits. "Just… Let me in alright. Let me…" He hears the sigh. "Steven." He hits the door more weakly. "Steven."

It's Deja-vu. Nearly nine years ago and it was almost the same.

The banging stops and he sighs and lets his head fall back against the wood.

He can't find the energy to move even though his arse is numb from the amount of time he's been sitting. His back aches. His head is throbbing from a headache that he doesn't know how long he's had. It seems like it's been there since he stepped off the ferry.

He pulls his tie off, at least he can do something.

"I didn't have a choice Steven." He can hear Brendan through the door and his stomach tenses. He thought he had gone.

"I… Seamus was dead and I couldn't let Cheryl be punished for something I should have done." He hears the knock of something against the door. "I needed to be punished for what I had done. For the people I had killed. It was like this never ending pressure. I wanted to be someone better, be… better but I couldn't with that weight dragging me down."

He doesn't want to hear this and he crawls away from the door, gets himself enough space and pushes himself to his weary, aching limbs.

"Haven't you done enough damage?" He can hear Laura.

"This is between me and him." Brendan has ice in his tone.

"Well if he's locked the door on you don't you think that he doesn't want to hear what you've got to say?"

"I need him to."

"Well this isn't about what you need. It's about Ste or didn't I make that clear?"

"I don't answer to you Dr Ellington."

He frowns. And it hits him. Brendan was there with Laura when he was found. They had been looking for him together. God knows how much time they spent together. Long enough for Brendan to know her title at the very least.

It's panic gripping him. What if she had said something? What if she had…? What had they talked about? They only had one thing in common.

"No you don't. But I think that you should give him some space." Laura replies.

"I don't think he needs space."

Anger rises. What right did Brendan have to decide what he needs?

"Well the locked door is lovely symbolism isn't it? You know you on one side Ste on the other. Him locking you out, makes a change from the other way around."

"You better watch your tone."

"Or what? Come on Brendan we both know our reputations."

Jesus Christ. Laura knows Brendan, Brendan knows Laura… What? How? When? The questions fly at him so fast, the realisation is so strong it knocks him to the floor and he makes a thump.

"Ste?"

"Steven?" Their voices in unison.

Laura and Brendan. Brendan and Callum. Laura and Callum. Fucking hell...

He's linking the dots. Straining for the connections. How long?

He's at the door and unlocking it so fast and opening it so quickly that Brendan who was leaning against almost falls.

"How long?" He demands because he has to know.

"What?" Laura looks completely confused.

"How long have you known each other?" Panic is rising but he puts a lid on it because he has to know. He needs to know.

Laura goes wide eyed. Brendan is staring at him again.

"We don't." Laura scrambles for the words.

"Well it sounds like you do."

"It's…" Laura shakes her head. "We know _of_ each other it's not the same."

What does that matter? How is that different?

"So how long have you known _of_ each other then?"

"Since before. Dad used to do deals with Danny Huston, Brendan used to work for Danny." She back together. She's no longer struggling and he recognises a little hope that she hasn't sold him down the river. But that's not enough, that hope. He knows too well what hope can do and he's sick of it.

"I fucking know he did." He snaps.

"Our paths crossed." Laura states.

"And you didn't think to tell me you knew him?!"

"Ste. I didn't deal with Brendan. He was there when I was with Dad and he was doing deals with Huston."

"But you didn't say anything about that?"

"We barely exchanged words."

"You know each other _reputations_."

"It's a small world, people talk." She's not being flippant but it's not enough.

"You need to do better than that." He needs her to tell him that she hasn't betrayed him.

"You know what I was, what I did before. You know what I did to people and the kind of people I dealt with. You know my Dad's a big fish. I never had anything to do with him. Ask him."

"Oh Laura don't be like that." Brendan feigns hurt.

"Fuck you Brady." Laura spits.

He doesn't need Brendan there for this but he doesn't look like he's going anywhere and his foots in the door now like he knows that Ste wants to shut him out for this. He isn't done with him by a long way anyway but he needs to know if Laura has been holding out on him all this time he needs to fucking know because he needs her not to let him down like everyone else.

He crosses his arms and waits.

"I swear to you that I only know Brendan's name from the time he was running a bar for Huston. I know his reputation from then and from what you've told me."

"That right?" He turns to Brendan who seems to realise that this is serious and if he fucks with him in any way over this it's not going to be worth his life.

Brendan nods simply.

"So how does he know Callum?"

She looks thrown and it's a fucking huge relief.

"He doesn't." She frowns.

"How do you know Callum?" He turns on Brendan.

"I'll tell you if…"

"No, you don't get to bargain in this you fucking tell me or you don't."

"He works for Anthony Arthur. I used to deal with him." Brendan replies. "Callum was the go between."

"Sound right?" He asks Laura.

"I don't know anything about that. I was out a long time before Callum started working for Mr Arthur." She telling the truth. He knows her well enough to tell.

"Why are you and him so matey?" He asks Brendan.

"Old contacts." He shrugs. "I was waiting for you and he came upstairs and offered me a drink."

"Liar."

"I'm not…"

"Don't even fucking try it. I know you Brendan and I know when you're lying so come on. You were talking about someone not knowing something when I walked into that room."

"He offered me a drink Steven. I wasn't going to say no. What we were talking about it nothing to do with…"

"You don't change do you?" He shouts. "It's the same fucking thing Brendan. Always blocking me out... Always hiding the truth from me." He shakes his head and turns around rubbing his face and trying to keep a grip.

"We were talking about a deal from years ago." Brendan relents.

"Good, now get out."

"Steven."

"Fuck off Brendan. Go and see your fucking toy boy."

"Not until…"

"No. I don't want to hear it."

"Steven."

He looks at him and Brendan sets his jaw. Sets his jaw at him. After everything.

"I'll talk to you when you've calmed down." Brendan says then goes to leave the room.

"Well don't hold your breath… Actually do."

Brendan looks over his shoulder at him, but doesn't say anything before leaving.


	36. Chapter 36

Thank you for your reviews, for following, favouriting and for continuing to read this.

* * *

With Brendan gone, he feels his energy leave too.

He looks at Laura and she looks back.

"You should have told me." He stated.

"You're right I should have." She nods and she looks genuinely sorry.

"Swear to me that there isn't more."

"I swear to you that's it." She states and she's so firm, so sure that he knows that it's the truth.

He drops to the bed and wipes his face. Closes his eyes. He let's himself fall to the mattress. He bounces a little. He could crawl under the covers and sleep for a week but not here. He's had enough of Cheryl's castle. Enough of Cheryl. More than enough of Brendan.

"Car loaded?" He asks sitting up. Last thing he wants to do is sit in a car with fucking Callum but it's a lesser evil than spending one more second in this place.

"Yeah." Laura replies frowning. She looks confused.

"Good. Give me a ten minutes to pack, get that twat of a boyfriend." She doesn't even argue the term. "And let's get the fuck out of here."

"Whatever you want." She says as she heads out the door.

He throws his clothes into the bag, there's a pair of soft jeans, his favourite pair peeking out so he drops his dress trousers and slides into his jeans. He unbuttons his shirt he digs in his bag for a t-shirt.

There's a prickle at the back of his neck. He can feel eyes on him. He whips around.

"Didn't think I'd just leave did you? Really Steven?" Brendan leaning against the doorframe.

"That's what you do isn't it?" He's lacking snap. It comes out tired, worn and that's not good enough. That's too close to getting past the wall of anger. Closer to his shredded heart and Brendan's not allowed to see that. Not allowed to pierce the veil he's surrounded himself in.

"Ready to hear what I have to say?"

"I don't care." He snaps. That's it. That's what he needs. He needs Brendan to push it because the more he does the more he strengthens his anger.

Brendan turns and shuts the door. Then turns back to him. It's all calm and controlled and that's not fucking fair because he's clinging on by his finger nails relying in anger to see him through and Brendan is in control. He grits his teeth, and clenches his fists.

"I don't believe that."

"Where do you get off eh?!"

"You wouldn't be this angry if you didn't care." Brendan states.

He's stuck between a rock and a hard place. He admits that he still cares, of course he fucking cares, and it's admitting Brendan's right. He denies it and he's denying everything he's put himself through because he cares.

"You do still care." Brendan is looking at him, checking him out. He looks down at his open shirt and wraps it around himself.

"So what if I do? Doesn't mean anything does it? I mean if I meant anything to you at all then you wouldn't have fucking left me."

"I didn't leave you."

"So what do you call the last eight years? I take it you didn't just become invisible. I mean I obviously just couldn't see you."

"Steven."

He hates it. He used to love it but now it's sticking nails into the last shreds of his soul.

"Will you fucking stop calling me that? It's fucking Ste now especially to you, you fucking bastard."

"Listen to me."

"Why the fuck should I? Because you ask me to? And who are you to me now? You fucking left me. You fucking kicked me out of your life so you don't have the right to walk back into mine. You've lost all right. You decided this."

"I didn't have a choice."

"Oh someone held a gun to your head then? Add that one to the list of excuses shall I?"

"St…" Brendan whips around and faces the window, he takes a deep breath.

"You fucking made me think that we had a chance. That we could be…" He shakes his head. "You chucked me away. You kicked me to the curb like I was nothing."

"That's…"

"No shut up! You don't get to explain. You don't get to fucking justify it. You fucking destroyed me!" He screams.

The silence if deafening.

"Did you even think about me at all? Do you even consider me when you were deciding all this?"

"Course I did."

He shakes his head. It's so much worse. Knowing that Brendan thought about him and still decided to leave him.

"You…" He can't even get the words out. He shakes his head and bites his lip. "You…" He looks up, looks away.

"Steven." Brendan's hands are on his shoulders.

It snaps him back and he lashes out, has to get Brendan off him. He knocks Brendan hands away and moves back. Moves away because even being in the same room as him is too much. Breathing the same air is too much.

"You don't get to touch me."

Brendan holds his hands up in surrender. He should fucking surrender.

"Steven, please."

"Please what?"

"Will you just listen?"

"No. I won't. I don't have to. You've destroyed my life Brendan. You ruined me. You don't just get to explain."

"It was an impossible choice…"

"Fucking shut up."

"No. No. You've said your piece."

"I haven't even fucking started."

Brendan roars in frustration. It's such a shocking noise. Such a blast from the past that it knocks him sideways.

"I'm trying to make you see… I never wanted to leave you."

"Well you did." He snaps back into it.

"I was trying to make it right."

"Make what right?" He can't help himself. He should be kicking him out the door but instead he's asking questions.

"Everything. I was trying to make everything right."

"Well nice job." He gives him a sarcastic crap. "I have to admit I really appreciate all your effort."

"Steven stop."

"No. Come on explain to me how you've made anything right? Because it's got to be good hasn't it? I mean you've made my life so much better."

"I was trying to." Brendan runs his hands through his hair. "I hit you."

"Like you've never done that before."

"That's the point. I hit you, again. You didn't deserve it. Never deserved it. How could I…"

"Oh no. You do not get to fucking blame me!"

"I'm not blaming you."

"If the next words out of your mouth are 'how could I stay when I did that' I swear on my kids lives I will fucking murder you because I've forgiven you. I always fucking forgive you and you know that."

"You shouldn't."

He smacks his hand against the post of the bed. He shakes his head in denial. Not this, any reason under the sun but this because then it's his fault and he wasn't the one who killed Seamus and he wasn't the one who killed Danny and he wasn't the one who cut him out, tried to erase him from his life…

"Get out."

"I need…"

"I don't care what you need! You didn't care about what I needed! You didn't care about me."

"I love you."

"Words Brendan. Just fucking words that you say to get me to listen well I'm not that naïve anymore. That isn't a fucking get out clause. You don't get to say that because you think it'll shut me up and let you say your piece because I don't give a shit Brendan…" He's so calm it's scary. "I love you beyond doubt, beyond reason. I love you more than anything in this world except my kids and you didn't care enough about me to even let me visit you, to read any of my letters, you didn't care what happened to me."

"I was giving you your life back."

"What life?! What life did I have without you?!"

The silence is back. The air in the room is like thick syrup and like every twitch of his muscles is meeting resistance.

"I…" Brendan starts, looks up then away.

"You didn't think about it did you? You didn't think what losing you would do to me. Well take a good look." He gestures his arms out. "This is what you did to me. This is what loving you did to me."

Brendan can't see what he's looking at. He can't see the cuts, the tears, the shred of his insides. The pieces of his heart, he can't see the damage because it's all inside.

"You destroyed me." It's barely above a whisper, but it's firmer than granite.

Brendan closes his eyes, screws up his face a little then rubs at his temple.

"You're still alive." He states like that's enough.

"So? So what? So you wanted me to top myself…"

"No!" Brendan cuts him off but he's not having that.

"Would that have proved my love? If I'd finally taken enough drugs to finish me off? That what you wanted?"

"No, Steven, never."

"Well I didn't did I? Does that mean I didn't love you? Because I didn't kill myself without you there. Thanks. Really Brendan. Thank you because I know now what I needed to do."

"I…"

"Well I'm not that pathetic. I'm not that weak. I needed you but I'm not so hopeless, not so helpless without you that I can't survive. I lived twenty years through everything Terry and me Mam could throw at me, I lived through everything you did to me. And yeah you broke me, you ripped my insides out but I'm better than topping myself to prove my love to someone who didn't love me enough to stay." He takes a deep breath. "You had me forever all you had to do was stay."

"I wanted to. God you don't know how much…"

"No I don't because you never fucking told me. You cut me off, cut me out. You dropped me. Cut all the strings, all ties and fucking left me to it."

"It wasn't fucking like that." Brendan's losing his control because he hates not being able to control things. Hates not being able to force him to do what he wants well fuck him because he has no control over him anymore. He can't make him do anything anymore. And it firms his position.

"Really? Because from where I'm standing that's exactly what it was like."

"It was out of control. Sea… He was dead. The police were right outside the fucking door. Cheryl was in fucking bits, she's not like us."

"Us?! I'm nothing like you."

"Listen to me."

"No. I don't have to. I don't have to listen to you trying to justify what you did. Why you did it. The bottom line is that you chose to leave me."

"I'd take a bullet for either of you. I had to take that one for Cheryl. I would have done the same for you. I would do anything for you."

"Except stay."

"Ahhh! Steven you know I couldn't. I had to get sent down." The rage is there but it doesn't scare him because really what else could Brendan do to him that he hasn't already done. There's nothing because killing him, well that'd be a mercy kill. That would put him out of his misery and he's not convinced he wouldn't kill Brendan first anyway.

"That's not what this is about."

Brendan stops, looks at him, confusion written across his face. He really can't see it.

He shakes his head, a sick smile comes to him. Brendan really can't see.

He walks closer.

"You cut me out of your life. You decided that. You didn't give me any say in anything. I poured my fucking heart out to you and you still cut me out. You left me. So say what you like."

"I…"

"Come on. Come on Brendan, tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you didn't do that."

He can't because that's what he did.

"I couldn't do it to you. I couldn't…" Brendan is quieter.

"You couldn't what?" He demands.

"I couldn't let you live your life like that."

It takes half a second for his brain to catch up with his ears. To process what he's hearing because he doesn't remember ever handing his life over to Brendan.

"Since when do you get to decide?! It's my life! Mine! I get to decide how I live it!"

"I didn't want you to..."

"It's not your fucking right to decide that for me!"

"I couldn't let you see me in there."

"You selfish prick. Here was me thinking that Cheryl was the selfish one but that, right there, makes it clear. You selfish bastard. You don't do that to someone you claim to love Brendan. You put their feelings, their needs alongside yours. So you didn't want to see me does that mean that you couldn't let me. Doesn't mean that you couldn't write to me. Doesn't mean that you had to send all my letters back, un-fucking-opened no less. Doesn't mean that you had to make yourself a black hole in my life where I didn't know what the fuck was going on… I tortured myself thinking about you in there because I know what prison is like, I know what it does to people, what it did to me and what it does to you so let's stop pretending that you did it for me. You did it for you."

Brendan cocks his head slightly then nods.

"You're right."

"I know I'm fucking right." And he wishes he wasn't. He wishes that Brendan was a better person. But what would it matter? He'd fallen for him despite that.

"But…"

"No but's. You did it for you."

"I couldn't let you…"

"You don't get it do you?" He tries to cut him off, shut him down.

"I couldn't let you waste your life on me!" Brendan shouts. "I love you too much to do that."

"That what you're calling it? Because that's not love Brendan that's control. That's you controlling taking control of my life! You can't even see that can you? You don't even know the difference."

There's a pause and Brendan opens his arms out.

"I am what my father made me." He bows a little. Like that says it all. Like finding behind Seamus will ever be enough.

"Fuck that! Don't even fucking try it. What Seamus did was sick and twisted and I'm sorry that it happened but you had the chance to break his hold, break free and you can't keep using what he did as an excuse."

Brendan furrows his brow at him.

"You don't understand." Brendan states firmly, putting a wall between them and he can see it and that's not fucking fair because that's not his fault.

"Because it never happened to me?" He nods momently stuck, digs inside himself for the words. "I may not have been sexually abused Brendan but don't you think I know a bit about abuse. That I'm not so stupid as…"

"You're not stupid." Compliments really? Brendan's resorting to that tactic.

"I know I'm not." A bit academically challenged but he's world wise, much more now than before, but even then he hadn't exactly been innocent of the way the world works or the sick things people can do to each other. "People go through shit all the time and they work through it, put it behind them and move on and it's hard, it's fucking terrifying but it's possible if you want to. If you want to break free. He's dead. He's not even in the world anymore. He was dead when you decided to leave me, he was gone, so really Brendan you want to use that?"

Brendan looks completely shot, at a loss and it hurts to see him like that. To see him hurt, to hurt him but he was the one who brought it up. He was the one who tried to use Seamus as an excuse. And there's no denying that Seamus shaped a lot of Brendan but Brendan isn't Seamus. He's a good man under everything, a good man still capable of destruction.

"I would have stood by you, I did stand by you. I would have been there for you. You decided that I couldn't so don't ever think that this is about that."

"I don't want your pity."

"It's not fucking pity. It's understanding something you seem incapable of. You can't see my side of this at all can you? You can't imagine what I went through."

Brendan is silent and he knows he can't so he needs to give him a little taste, just a little of what happened.

"You don't know that Amy had a speech prepared for the kids for when, not if, when I got myself killed." Course he doesn't.

Brendan is shaking his head like he doesn't want to hear it, well tough.

"She was waiting for a phone call, now I know that I should have died, then you'd believe that you, my love of you was that deeply embedded in my soul that I was killing myself. Well I'm sorry but I'm not that person. I couldn't let my kids grow up without a dad because I'd been unlucky enough to meet you. That I decided _for myself_ that I couldn't do that to them."

"I… Steven…"

"Now I'm going home. I'm going back to my business that I built up to make sure my kids want for nothing. I'm going back to friends that have stuck by me, to a life I built out of what I had left. And believe me I won't be looking back."

"You can't go…"

"I can Brendan. I can do what I like because it's my life. So I hope you're very happy with your toy boy and your bitch of a sister and I hope that I never have to see you ever again."

"You love me." Brendan states weakly.

"I do but you didn't even tell me you were out so I know exactly how much you care about me. So goodbye Brendan. Have a nice life."

He zips up his bag, picks it up and heads for the door.


	37. Chapter 37

Thanks for all your reviews. They really do encourage me to keep going and not be lazy, I really needed it with this chapter...

I've got so much to write about this chapter and why it's been so f***ing difficult to write (along with why I hate it) but I'm not going to bore you. Basically I need a thread from this chapter for later, so I kind of had to write it instead of wanting to. I'm blaming my own plot. Not sure slamming my own plot is a great way to start this chapter or encourage you to read it or to stay with me but I couldn't post it without letting you know.

Anyway, tantrum over. Sorry.

* * *

He manages to get half way down the corridor before Brendan's turning him around pushing him into the stone so hard he drops his bag.

Then Brendan's mouth is on his, tongue invading. He opens his mouth kisses him back harder. Brendan groans and he pushes himself closer. They're chest to chest, groin to groin and there's Brendan's hand on the back of his thigh lifting his leg, encouraging him to wrap it around his hip. He goes with him. Moves with him. It's hot and frantic, lips sliding, tongues fighting, teeth catching lips, his chest burns with the lack of oxygen. Brendan grinds into him and he can't help the groan that escapes into Brendan's mouth because he's right there. All power. All…

Brendan grinds hard into him, starting to rock, starting an intense rhythm and it's a little too hard, a little too intense and more that little desperate. Brendan's hands are in his hair pulling back making his neck strain, then he's mouths there, stubble burning as he attacks his jaw.

"You can't leave me." Brendan's breathless, finger's digging into his waist and back.

It's like a tonne weight on his shoulders. He thought he'd been crystal clear about Brendan not being able to control him and he's not going it over again. There's only one thing for it.

He embraces Brendan's mouth on him, his firm body against his, he runs his hands down his chest, across his jaw, places a hand on the back of Brendan's head pulls him up plants his lips against his slows the kiss makes it more intense then breaks it off. Brendan's staring at him, pupils blown. Everything he wants right there in front of him.

He pushes his leg down to the floor. Pulls his shirt back onto his shoulders where it's managed to slip.

"That was goodbye." He states. It feels like a lead weight.

"No." Brendan replies shaking his head, grip on his back intensifying.

"Yeah, yeah it was. What was it you said to me that time? Oh yeah it _has_ to be."

"Don't use my own words against me in this. Please." His head is on his shoulder, then it's over his shoulder as he pulls him into a hug. "I need you."

It's like Brendan has a hand on his heart and is squeezing it because there was a time when that would have been the only thing he needed to hear.

"Not enough to come and get me though."

Brendan grips him tighter, pressing his lips into his neck like if he keeps holding on it will be enough to keep him there.

"I wanted to. Every day I wanted to." It's not enough to even scratch the surface.

He nods to himself, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, gathers himself together and kisses Brendan on the cheek.

"We could have been great." It's like all of Brendan's strings have been cut and the sagging of his body is enough that he can duck under his arm and pick up his bag.

He looks up. Oh this could get very, very ugly.

Dean's standing there, staring at them. Mouth opening and shutting like a goldfish.

He's got opportunity. The distraction. He goes to move past Dean.

"Brendan?" Dean's voice is barely there.

"Dean." Brendan back alert.

He wonders just how Brendan is going to play this so much so he takes he eyes off them. He feels someone hand on him half a second before his head is smacking off the stone wall. He ducks on instinct and feels the whoosh of air over his back and a slap of flesh against stone and the tell-tale snap of bone.

He dodges left and away from the wall and see's the bit of blond hair just before he catches a knee to the side and into his ribs. It winds him and he's waiting for the next blow but it doesn't come.

"Calm the fuck down." Brendan's shouting.

"You and him." Dean's thrashing in Brendan's arms. "Always fucking Steven isn't it? Get off me." Brendan lets him go, makes sure he puts himself between Ste and Dean. "You promised me! You promised me!"

"Dean." Brendan states. He knows that tone. It's the calm down tone, the 'I'm harder and bigger than you so just think about what you do next because I'm not above using my advantages'. Strange how it always used to make his anger worse but he's seen it work on plenty of others.

It doesn't work on Dean either apparently. Although given the position he just caught them in he's not sure anything would work on him either.

"You promised that it was me! That I was the one that you wanted!" Tears are running down Dean's cheeks. "That I took the nightmares away. That I fixed you!"

"You do." Brendan says and the tone has shifted. It's warm and calming like he's talking to a wounded animal that's threatening to take his arm off.

"That was it. That was our goodbye." Brendan states. "I… I just needed to say goodbye and Steven he…" He better watch the next words out of his mouth. "He just threw himself at me. He's sorry aren't you Steven? Course he is. He just gets over emotional. I made it clear to him that I only want you and he couldn't handle it."

He smiles sadly to himself and shakes his head. Really? Really Brendan Brady, only fucking you.

Two minutes ago saying that he needed him, now blaming him to keep another man.

He picks himself off the floor and he dusts himself down. Fuck this.

He buttons his shirt in the middle and picks up his bag.

"Steven wait." Brendan shouts.

"See always fucking Steven!" Dean screams.

That boy is not stable. Brendan's picked himself up a complete nutter on the inside. Well he's sure he's had a lot on the inside. After all Brendan always says he's not a monk. He snorts to himself as he walks down the stairs. He can hear the shouting up stairs but he's not listening.

Yates gives him a disapproving look although since he can feel blood running down the side of his face it's not all that surprising.

"Seeya." He smiles and walks out onto the floodlit gravel, into the cold night air which hits him hard that he feels weakness run through every inch of his body.

"Where the hell have you been?" Laura asks. "Been waiting like an hour." She leaning against the boot of Callum's car. Callum out of sight in the car. "What happened?" She asks walking towards him and as soon as she's within reach she touches his jaw and looks at the side of his face.

"Run in with a wall." He says and Christ he's tired.

"Who?" She asks concerned.

"Brendan's boy toy."

"I know you're skinny but I thought you could fight." She says as she's checking the wound.

He knocks her hand away. He uses he shirt tails to wipe at the blood. Laura grimaces.

"What?"

"Bitch to get blood stains out of that."

Like he cares.

"Ste?" Laura asks and there's concern there again.

"Yeah?" She must have asked a question but he's not been following.

"I asked if you're ready."

"Yeah."

The boots open. He didn't see her open it but he had to have because he's standing right in front of it.

"Laura."

"Ste."

"I feel weird."

"Weird how?"

"Weak, I'm zoning out."

"How hard did you hit your head?" Her fingers are on his jaw and she's looking into his eyes.

"Not hard."

She lets go gently and frowns.

"When was the last time you ate?"

He can't remember. It seems so insignificant given what just happened.

"You spent last night on a hillside in the pouring rain and you haven't eaten." She shakes her head at him. She opens the back driver side door.

"Where's the cornflake squares?" She asks.

"Where you left them." Callum's tone is icy and he wonders if they've had an argument.

"Oh do try to be helpful." She sneers. Defiantly had an argument. She shuts the back door but not hard so it wasn't that bad. Or maybe it was.

She pulls the tub out of the car as well as a bottle.

"Come on." She leads him to a small bench to the side of the car. "Here." She places bottle of lucozade in his hand. "Drink that. Eat this. We're not going anywhere until you have." She walks back to the boot and pulls out a blanket. She brings it back and wraps it around him.

"You could just ask Callum to put the heaters on." He mutters.

"I'd rather not ask him for anything at the moment."

"Bad?" He asks because it's distracting. It takes his mind off everything.

She shrugs and makes an indecisive face.

He sits and eats although he barely has the energy and he has to give up after one, he's slumping more and more, struggling to hold his body upright.

"Ste!" Cheryl shouts and runs towards them with her ridiculously high heels, she stumbles more than once in the gravel. She stops short.

"What happened?" She asks moving forward but he holds his arm out to block her. "You can't just leave."

He's sick of people telling him what he can and can't do but he's too tired and too off balance to start another argument because he doesn't think he has the energy to see it through.

"I think I'm done here." He wants to sleep for a week. Sleep then deal with walking away because he's not thinking about it. He won't let himself.

"You don't know what it's been like…"

"No I don't but…" He sighs. "I honestly don't care Cheryl."

"You don't want…"

"A life story? A catch up?" He sighs rubbing his head. There's a throbbing there. A dull ache that is only getting worse.

"I want to explain what happened."

"You felt guilty and you wanted me to make you feel better? I got that."

"I wanted to say sorry."

"Yeah, it's not going to cut it. Enjoy your life. Oh congratulations on your baby."

She looks stumped, he can see her anger building and he doesn't want or need to hear any more so he picks himself up and walks to the car, opening the door to the back. He drops into the seat and shuts the door.

"Alright?" Callum asks.

"Don't." He doesn't want anyone asking him anything, wanting anything from him, he lies across the back seat then curls up with the blanket around him and closes his eyes.

He wakes in daylight. The car's not moving but the engine is running. His head is heavy and his chest hurts. He hasn't even got the energy to lift his head and ask where they are.

"If he's dead you can get rid of the body." Callum's saying lightly. "Are you still above digging graves?"

He recognises that they're fooling around. And he gives half a thought to what he missed because they weren't anywhere near joking with each other when he went to sleep.

"He's not dead, he's sleeping you tit." Laura replies and he can hear the smile.

"It's been ten hours."

"He's tired. He went through a lot." There's concern there. "When we finally board we'll wake him up and get him to try and eat something." He hears shuffling and feels a brush of fingers against his forehead. "He's getting warm, hope he hasn't caught anything."

Now she mentions it he does feel hot. Too hot. Sticky. He tries to move the blanket but it's stuck under him and he ends up hitting the back of Callum's seat as he tries to extract it.

"Finally woke the dead." Callum states and he sees Laura tap him on the arm.

"Water?" She offers him a bottle.

He's really thirsty. He needs to sit up to drink but he can't get his limbs to cooperate. They're too heavy. He closes his eyes and hears the door opening. Laura helps him sit up.

"You don't look so good." She says and undoes the lid before handing to him. It takes everything to lift up the bottle and take a sip.

"Uh." He feels horrible. His heads pounding.

Laura sits beside him as Callum is directed where to park on the Ferry.

He still doesn't feel very good by the time their half way across the Irish Sea and Laura sends Callum to get some Ibuprofen for his headache.

"I can see a doctor in your future." She states as she hands the pills over.

"I see a doctor in front of me."

"If you can make cracks like that you'll live." She smiles softly.

It's raining by the time they get off the Ferry in Holyhead, it's torrential by the time they make it back to Hollyoaks.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" She asks. "You still don't look very good."

"Nah you're alright I'm starting to feel better." He realised what happened when he's gone to the toilet on the ferry. He was dehydrated, exhausted and dehydrated. He hadn't had anything to drink except vodka the previous day and with everything else, which he's not thinking about, he'd worn himself out. He wasn't going to tell Laura that it was his own fault.

She insisted on carrying his bag as they ran for the door still managing to get soaked. She hugged him tight and kissed him on the cheek.

"What's that for?"

"Not getting setting fire to Cheryl's castle." She shrugs then shifts. "For getting through mostly. I know it wasn't easy. Ring me if you want me." She states and dashes back off dodging puddles.

He waves them off then shuts the door. He turns and he leans back against the door.

He's home. Back in England. Back in his flat.

He's home and he finds himself laughing at how much a few days can change everything.

It starts to sound desperate to his own ears and he feels the wetness down his cheeks. He wipes it away. And tries to take a breath and he struggles, manages but the weight of everything comes crashing down on him and he tries to hold back the wave that is threatening to break all over him. He chokes a little and tries to get control of himself.

He not going to break again. Won't give them the satisfaction even though they can't see him. He won't. He refuses and clamps down with iron will on any thought of him or her or that place.

But the dam that's holding back it all is breaking, cracking and creaking under the strain. A decade of pain mixing with the previous misery of his life, it's all there and it's all over him and inside him and it's crushing him.

He fights it.

He pulls his phone out of his pocket and tries to dial Tony, tries to get that distraction, but he can't see the phone for the tears, he's trying to make sure he's throwing himself into his new life. The life he chose, the life he chooses without him…

All that pain, the screaming, the shouting, the shred of his soul, the shattering of his heart.

He had walked away from a man he'd do everything for, who he loves with every fibre of his being.

He had walked away… And he doesn't regret it.

The dam breaks and it's washing him away in the rush of pain.

* * *

Ref AN Chapter 27 (wow that's a long while ago) - I said there were two clear paths that I could have taken, well since I've made it to the other side of the Ireland bit I may as well say that the other path was to have Ste and Jamie still together in Ireland but I thought it weakened everything I wanted to do with Ireland mainly because I didn't want to do the easy thing which would be have Jamie there for Ste to go to after his confrontation with Brendan. And I didn't want to have to write Brendan saying all the clichés of how Ste had someone and all that. I feel that would have taken a lot of the power out of their confrontation. So I made that choice, sorry if anyone prefers the other path.


	38. Chapter 38

Thank you for all your reviews. Very kind.

Come so far, over 100,000 words (which shocked me when I realised because I've never written anything this long), and there is still so so far to go...

Section wise I've decided Ireland was a section of it's own so this is now section 5 and as a warning it's going to be almost a story of it's own, it's going to be that bloody long.

* * *

He spent most of the first day in bed, essentially feeling sorry for himself and he got a bit sick of himself, sick of his own company, when Laura came around to check on him later in the evening he had told her what happened, all of it. She's been her usual self, listening and letting him tell her in his own time, at his own pace and hadn't said anything except that she was proud of him.

The next day he had rang Tony and asked if he could come back in two days earlier than planned which worked out well as Tony wanted to be at the Bistro with structural engineer and architect to talk through all the changes and make sure that there were no major problems with what they wanted to do.

He relished being back at work, changing his specials almost every day and creating new recipes with Harry. Harry had asked for a few lessons to help him get his sauces balanced since he always seemed to be too heavy, too sweet or too sour, he seasoning was always right though. He could see that he was desperate to get it right and he was trying too hard but Harry explained that he college course hadn't required as many variation in sauces as the menu of Ill Nosh did so he had stuck to what he knew he could do well and now he was struggling a bit. A couple of sessions and he had improved no end which wasn't a surprise given his talent.

He had a meeting with Tony and Callum about the tapas bar and what they were going to do. It was decided to leave the interior as it was but decorate and get it up and running first because the bistro was going to take so much more work to get the way they wanted.

He was dragged along to a wine tasting by Callum who insisted that he needed to know more about wine a spent the entire evening bored out of his mind and started drinking what he was offered instead of just tasting it, although it hadn't been a complete waste of time, he had found an extremely nice white to make mushroom risotto with but given the price he had used it for one of his one night only specials.

They decided that it was too expensive to hire decorators for the tapas bar so agreed a colour scheme and he volunteered himself to do the majority of the painting. He wanted to be busy. He wanted to be pushing forward. He had a future, he couldn't dwell on the past, not now it had been resolved.

He knew now, the cloud of uncertainty had gone. He knew what had happened to Brendan, knew he was outside, knew that he hadn't come for him as soon as he was out and he knew that Brendan had moved on. And he knew it was over for them. Finally over. Not the way he wanted it to end but at least he knew.

"I honestly can't believe you did that!" Laura exclaimed while ducking from around load of paint he launches at her.

"You started it."

"I didn't mean to, I bloody apologised." She replies trying to wipe the paint on her face off but is only successful in smearing it and making it worse. "Thanks now I'm have to get a shower before we go."

"You and me both." He looks at his stained t-shirt although most of the paint seems to be on his hands and on his forearms. "You sure you don't mind?"

"I didn't mind yesterday, I don't mind today. In fact I'm looking forward to it. I've always wanted to see Lucas play in a match anyway it's a nice distraction."

"How is the office hunt going?" He asks because she seems to have seen about twenty and hated every single one of them.

"Crap. I don't even know if I should bother getting one. Karl's asked for me to up my hours at the clinic and I've got lecture offers all over the shop." She shrugs and returns to the wall they insisted they were going to finish before they made their way to Manchester.

"What about the clients who came with you from the other place?" He asked because almost all of her clients had wanted to keep her.

"I know." She sighs. "I'm just going to have to make up my mind where I want to be. If I set up in Hollyoaks I'm direct competition but it's close to home. If I start out in Chester then I have to travel but the majority of my clients are in Chester area anyway so… I need an office really." She rolled her eyes. "I'll find somewhere."

He checks his watch and attacks the wall with new vigour because he had promised he would be early and he wants to be earlier than early so he can spend a bit of time with Leah because he knows from the various phone calls he's had in the previous week that Lucas is going to be no conversation because of nerves.

Amy had told him that there were going to be three scouts there, two of which had been watching Lucas' team in the previous match and Lucas was stressing about everything. Apparently he was being a nightmare because he was so nervous 'just like his Dad' Amy had insisted.

He hadn't told Amy about Ireland, he had lied and said he had had an alright time. He hadn't lied about the castle or how impressive the set up was but when it came to details he had changed the subject to Leah's latest Art project.

"Come on then." He checked to make sure that they had evenly covered the wall and Laura's filling in was up to scratch.

He checked to make sure everything was off, the window were shut, the alarm was on and the door was locked before daring to have a look inside the bombsight next door. If it was a shell before it was worse now that there were exposed brick work and wires hanging everywhere.

"Did Callum talk to you about Greg?" She asked as she pulled out and started driving her rental BMW back to Hollyoaks so they could get showered and changed.

"I'm still not sure." He had to be honest. Greg Thompson was a contact of Callum's from Cobra and he had agreed to meet with them to discuss the apparently excellent wines that he could get them. For him it was that Thompson was a contact of Callum's which was the problem because Callum wanted out and had done everything in his power to get out even though he was still working at Cobra until the bar was ready to keep himself ticking over. He didn't want Callum bringing in people that he knew from that world. Although he was realistic enough to realise that all of Callum's friends and contacts would be from that world until he was able to find others. "But Tony knows of him so we may as well see what he can offer."

Laura's phone rang and she frowned before putting clicking the parrot and motioning to him to keep quiet.

"Dad." Her tone was devoid of warmth.

"Laura." He frowned he didn't expect her Dad's voice to be like that although he hadn't really thought about it much. Deep with a roughness.

"You rang?"

"I did. How are you?"

"The point Dad if you don't mind." He felt slightly uncomfortable. The hostility between them, Laura's aggression was very different to what he expected from her.

"Shane's replacement has secured his place."

"And?"

"And I want you to come to the party which he is hosting as an introduction to everyone. Given your involvement in Shane's demise it would be… beneficial if you could make it."

"For who?"

"Both of us, remember it was your own fault that happened. No daughter of mine should bring that amount of trouble to my door."

"I am so very sorry." Her reply was draped in sarcasm.

"Don't you take that tone with me."

"Dad I am not going to what essentially a dick swinging competition."

"Laura you will come and you will bring that Taylor." There was real disgust in his tone. It seemed there was still a lot of hostility which was unsurprising. "Everyone will be there and if you're not there it will have to be explained."

"Well you should start with the excuses starting with I'm out and I don't want to be back in."

"Laura I've told…"

"Bye Dad." She pressed the button.

He looked at her in surprise. Her father, he knew was not a man to be putting the phone down on although as his daughter he was sure that made her exempt. He hoped that made him exempt.

She shook her head.

"He only wants me there because he had to bust his balls to set the whole Shane thing straight so his boys didn't get topped. Not me. His boys. Especially Rory." She sighed. "And he wants to show off in front of this replacement who must have moved pretty damn fast to take over."

She pulled up to his flat and promised to be back within half an hour.

He rushed inside and took a quick but very thorough shower, scrubbing his hands until they were paint free. He got changed and made himself a sandwich and a cup of tea before Laura was back and he went to meet her.

He dropped into the passenger seat.

"There been a crash on the M6 so the traffic might be bad." She stated as she pulled away.

He leaned his head back against the head rest and closed his eyes.

"Nightmares getting any better?" She asked as she pulled off the slip road onto the motorway.

"Not really." He sighed. Every night since the night after he had returned from Ireland he had been plagued with nightmares. Various circumstances but all ending in either himself or Brendan dying and it was really starting to piss him off. It was like his mind rebelled when he slept, like it wanted to cause him more pain since he was being resolute in moving on when he was awake.

"They'll settle down." She reassured him. "You've made a massive decision so it's natural for you mind to be rebelling for a bit on the change."

He snorted a bit and looked across at her.

"You practicing for getting locked in the white room with your new weirdo's?"

"Clients. I've told you before they are clients." She smiled.

"Well since I used to be one I know how bad your clients are."

"Considering one of my former clients ate the tips of his fingers and toes off because his guardian angel told him to…"

"What?" He pulls a face.

"Oh that's not even the worst bit." There's a gleam in her eyes and he knows from that alone there's something more gruesome to the tale.

"Do I want to know?"

"Nah. You've got your own nightmares you don't want to know the rest. Although you watch some horrendously gory films so it might not affect you." She leaves it open, his choice.

He wonders if this is a lingering effect. Being so hyperaware of control, his control and the control of other on his life. It has to be because it's almost every conversation he has with anyone that has him thinking about whether they're trying to control him or not.

"I don't think I want to know… But go on then."

"He lifted off his toe and finger nails with pliers," his fingers and toes twitch and he flexes them "put them in a music box and handed them to the doctor saying that they were treasures and a new land would grow from them."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It was pretty sad in the end because we worked really hard with him, therapy, meds and he stopped hearing voices but then he missed them so much he came off his meds and the guardian angel told him he could fly. He jumped off a motorway bridge, killed himself and a scared the shit out of a business man whose car he landed on."

"Wow."

"Yeah." She shook her head. "Anyway that was years ago. Bet you watch every motorway bridge from here to Manchester."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because that's what happens. You get told something and your mind gets stuck on it and it's not until it keeps not happening that your brain files it as an unlikely occurrence again."

He found himself checking the next bridge despite himself and he laughed at himself.

They made good progress until the traffic really built up and although they were moving they weren't making good time. It slowed right down and he started to check the clock on the dash, they still had loads of time but the longer they were travelling at 20mph the more worried he got. He needed to be there. He had to be there.

"We'll be early." Laura reassured him.

"There's something I need to tell you."

"What's that?"

"Amy doesn't know about Brendan." He stated. "And I don't want you to tell her."

"So what's the party line?" She asked and he frowned at her. "What story did you give her?"

"We went, we had an alright time. Cheryl and I got a lot sorted out but it wasn't exactly plain sailing." She looked at him. "She wouldn't believe it if I said that it was all sorted and me and Cheryl were friends again. So if she asks…"

"Ok."

"Really?" He frowned. He expected her to want him to tell Amy everything.

"You've always told me that she hated Brendan and I don't think you really need to be dragging it up again but I think that she'd like to know and I think she'd be very proud of you for holding your ground and putting him straight."

"I just don't want the 'I told you so' or her slagging Brendan off because I really don't need to hear it."

"Fine by me."

They were early enough that he was able to talk to Lucas as he sat trembling in the back seat of Amy's car outside the sport centre, tell him how proud he was and that it didn't matter if they won or lost as long as he put his all in. That if he put everything in win, lose or draw, he could walk away knowing he couldn't do anymore.

He could barely watch the match by the end, tears filled his eyes and he had to brush them away. Lucas was playing so well. The pride he felt was unmatchable. To see his son playing a game he loved with so much commitment and passion, running and tackling and putting everything out there was one of the best hour and a half's of his life.

When Lucas' team won by a solitary scrambled scruffy goal he had hugged Amy so hard he was sure she couldn't breathe.

Lucas was delighted and his smile was dazzling.

"You'll be at the final won't you Dad?" He'd asked.

"Wouldn't miss it for anything." He'd kissed him on the head and received a push of embarrassment but he knew that Lucas was happy.

They went out for a celebratory meal. Amy, Leah and Laura talking art, politics and almost everything in between. Simon and himself been given a full match report from Lucas and a critique of his own performance as well as a beaming smile when he said one of the scouts had spoken to him.

"Good day." Laura stated as they were on the way back.

"Yeah, not bad." He smiled.

"It's going to take a week to get that smile off your face isn't it?" She laughed.

He knew he was grinning like an idiot but he was just so proud of Lucas, of both his kids.

He'd take every day like this as it came because he knew there was always something just around the corner to knock him flat on his arse again.


	39. Chapter 39

Two chapters tonight...

* * *

"This is going to take an age." Laura muttered as she prepared the paint.

"It's your fault."

"I know it is." She replied.

Callum had insisted that the ceiling of the bar was painted black with the same star effect that Laura had in her living room. They had spent a good deal of the morning covering every surface they possibly could.

"He should have told us sooner." She grumbled. "Good job we've still got another coat to put on the walls cos it doesn't matter how careful we are it's going to get on the walls." They had finished the third coat of black two days before, now apparently it was time 'for the fun bit' as she had said. Although her warning that it could need completely re-doing because it was art not science hadn't been reassuring.

"Leah do you want to start with the navy or purple?"

"Purple." Leah replied and put down her phone for the first time since she had arrived at the flat a few hours ago. Lucas was playing a seven a side match so he hadn't been able to come but Ste was sure that he wouldn't have wanted to paint. Leah on the other hand had jumped at the chance to come down and help Laura when he had explained what they were going to do.

Laura handed her a face mask and some goggles as well as a baseball cap.

"Find the range because each colour will come out at different intensities'." Laura stated as she sprayed some paint from her can onto a piece of new paper which she picked up and took with her to the step ladders.

They stopped for lunch after a couple of hours to find that they had barely covered a quarter of what needed to be done as a base layer.

"We still haven't got a name." He moaned because although the bistro had been confirmed as SALLT they hadn't been able to agree on.

"Ceilo notturo." Leah stated looking up from her phone.

"What?"

"Night sky in Italian." She said although it was the most obvious thing in the world. She pressed something else into her phone.

"Notte stellata, which is starry night, come on Dad we're spending ages painting the ceiling we may as well make there be a reason other than Callum just likes it."

"I like Notte stellate." He fumbled over the words.

"Stellato which is starry and it's catchier." Leah shrugged. "Easier to say as well."

"I'll run it past the arse who decided that we needed to do all this but couldn't be bothered to help." Laura stated and pulled out her phone texting away.

"I'll run it past Tony."

By the end of the day they had a name, the ceiling was a beautiful mix of colours which looked better than the one of Laura's wall and they were completely covered in paint.

He made it to Lucas' final by the skin of his teeth but the smile and the relaxation of Lucas' shoulders when he waved at him made all the stress worth it. He'd been stuck at work while Tony was talking to the builders. He watched stood next to Amy and Simon as Lucas' team blew the opposition away. 7-0 apparently it was unheard of. Lucas scored two himself the rest of the goals were shared around.

There was no meal this time because the team including the coach, assistant coach had arranged a night out together to celebrate as a team but he had stayed the night and they'd gone out on the Sunday all together.

It took nearly two months to get the bistro open by the time opening night came he was so stressed and run down from all the hassle of getting everything in place and putting shifts in Ill Nosh that it had almost been an anti-climax when they had a nearly full house. He had been so sure no one would show up, that the entire place was going to fall down or burn down, he had so many scenario's that when it ran like clockwork he thought it was a dream.

He walked into Stellarto to check in with Callum and found himself in the middle of an argument so intense that he considered walking back out again.

"If you want out you're going to wrong way about it."

"Robert…"

"No, don't even fucking bother."

"You Dad insisted."

"Grow a back bone and tell him to get stuffed."

"You can do that. I fucking can't. I still owe him."

"I squared it."

"You can't square everything. You can't square the fact I'm sleeping with his daughter."

"Like he gives a fuck."

"He just wanted a neutral venue and he's paying big money."

"Oh I bet he is."

"Which means it's a business decision. It's nothing to do with you."

"Oh thanks."

"Laura." He places he hands on her shoulders. "You don't have to be here."

"What's all this?" He asked since it seemed to be something he needed to know about.

"Ste…" Callum looks startled then covers it and takes his hands off Laura.

"Go on tell him." Laura folds her arms.

"Robert, Laura's Dad wants to host an evening to welcome Ronnie Barnett and his family. They've been doing the rounds. It's basically every one is hosting evenings for them to ease business relations since every one is trying to get them on side. It's a small drinks event."

"With half the drug dealers in the North West." Laura spat.

"Callum." He did not want his business involved with that world.

"He's paying thirty grand and providing all the wine list." Callum replied. "If nothing else it's great money. When else are we going to get an opportunity like this. Tony already agreed."

"You went to Tony and you didn't tell me?" He exclaimed. "Always with the games isn't it? You knew I wouldn't touch it but you knew that Tony would because of the money."

"I asked Tony because you were busy I was going to ask you just before Laura came in. It's done. It's agreed."

"You bastard." He spits.

"I just made you thirty grand plus what we get from the wine that's left because Robert's ordering cases of stuff and they'll never get through it all."

"That's not the point."

"This is business." Callum states. "Forget who you're taking the money from."

"It's not who it's where the money's coming from."

"Her Dad's money is clean. It's secure and it's in our bank account. There is no changing this."

"One phone call." Laura states. "Ste one phone call and I'll get Dad to change venue."

"He won't. You didn't show up at their big party so he's expecting you to be here and when I say expects he is demanding it."

"He knows how well that works." She replied. "Seriously Ste one phone call."

Could he really afford to turn Robert's money down on principle? They had bank loans to pay off, wages to pay even though they had the money for those. This injection… It would give them more than breathing room for months. Tony would blow his top if he sabotaged this.

"No trouble?" He asked.

"It's a drinks party, I swear they will just be talking business all night and drinking." Callum stated.

"Fine. I'm not turning down thirty grand but don't go to Tony because you know I'm going to argue. I'm a majority partner I deserve to know what's going on."

"Understood."

He knew he was going to have to watch him. Callum wasn't an idiot and he had known that but he didn't think that he'd blatantly go behind his back to get what he wanted but now he knew he would.

"When is it?"

"Next Saturday."

He made sure to switch shifts to work in Chester the night of the drinks party because there was no way he would be able to work at Ill Nosh. He needed to be there, right next door. He didn't know what he would do if anything did happen but he'd rather be a few seconds away than not.

Laura was away most of the week leading up to the party which given the mood she was in when he had last seen her was a relief. She was massively pissed off with Callum and she had told him that she had reamed him out more than once and that she was barely talking to him.

"You'll have to go in there at some point, you can't be hiding in here all night." He said to her as she sat on the counter with her heels clicking against one of the fridges. "Jay will you do two soup for 15 please." He called at the commie. "Lynsey another prawn and three more chicken for 4." He checked the ticket that Sam had just handed him and growled to himself. They were flat out. "You're distracting me now go on and play nice." He said to her as he tried to find the pan he was after. "Tommy I need you to be quicker on the pans." He called at the kitchen porter.

"I suppose I could just get drunk, come and save me any time you like." Laura states but she's pushing herself off the counter and heading to the back door through to the bar before he can snap at her about anything, everything because even though he loves this kitchen he's still not used to running it and it's difficult to get used to all the space not to mention the new staff, more staff. It should be less stressful.

He manages to get through service although he feels like he's run a marathon. It's a buzz to get through but at the same time he's knackered. He gets changed and decides that it's worth going to see if Laura does really want saving or whether she's hammered so wonders through.

It's a privet event but he's an owner so what are they really going to say. He looks out of place but the nothing short of tails would be out of place. He stays to the side of the bar where most of the waiting staff are working.

He asked how it's going and receives a few smiles and bit of chat but they're very conscience he's the boss so they don't want to tell him how bad it actually is to be surrounded by pompous, self-important twats with more money than sense when he's paying them minimum wage.

It's busy and quite noisy. There are quite a few very loud laughs around. He looks for Laura or Callum but he can't seem to see them. He catches a glimpse of them in the far corner in deep discussion, it looks heated. He's half tempted to go home and catch up with them tomorrow but then Laura turns and sees him. Her face goes pale. What? He mouths at her. She looks to Callum says something then she's heading for him, she looks rushed even though he can tell she's trying not to.

"Hello again Steven."

He whips around and there standing in front of him is Dean. Little skinny, nut job Dean. Brendan's Dean.

Dean who he left in Ireland having a shouting match with Brendan.

He immediately looks around and sure enough near the door he can see Brendan's back. Doesn't even need to see his face because he knows it's him.

What the fucking hell?

"Dean. You remember Ste." Laura finally gets there and her words are pacifying like she'd trying to stop a bomb going off.

"Yes I certainly do." Dean says and there's a confidence there that wasn't there in Ireland.

"Laura, who is this young man?" A tall man with grey hair, who reeks of too much money and is clearly pissed asks as he steps into the conversation.

"Mr Barnett this is Ste Hay he is part owner of the bistro and this bar. Ste this is Mr Barnett."

He hears but he can't respond because what the fucking hell is Brendan doing here? Why isn't he in Ireland?

Laura elbows him in the ribs.

"Hi, nice to meet you." He offers his hand which Barnett shakes firmly.

"I see you've met my youngest." He slaps a hand on Dean's shoulder.

"Yeah."

"We've already met." Dean stated and there's something he really doesn't like about the way he's looking at him. Like he's something he stepped in. And he would kick off but he can't find a way past the shock.

"He was just raving about the meal he and his boyfriend Brendan had next door." Dean's boyfriend Brendan and doesn't that just rip the newly former scab off.

"Who is your chef?"

"I am actually." He replies and Laura is literally holding an elbow into his ribs to get him to respond.

"You must be very talented, Dean you must come and say hello to Anthony he's been waiting all night since you decided to join us late. Nice meeting you Mr Hay."

Laura elbows him again.

"And you."


	40. Chapter 40

Thank you for taking the time to review.

This was ready to post very late last night but I had a crisis of confidence and decided to wait on it until I had time to think about it and decide if I wanted to post it as it is or if I wanted to re-write it all. I had a long debate with myself about it, especially what it would mean for the overall plot if I changed... Anyway in the end I decided to stick with what I had just edit it in a few places.

This section of the story is the main reason I have been so strict with myself on keeping this Ste centric / Ste POV all the way through. If I chop and change, include a Brendan POV chapter which would be the easiest way of getting his side of this (although to be honest it'd likely be an entire story never mind a chapter) and I have thought a lot about it, I could write it but… I'm not sure how to put this… If you know what Brendan's thinking then you know more than Ste. So you'd be ahead of him and I think the story would get very frustrating because you'd already know what Ste has to learn / be told.

So I'm taking the risk of you getting sick of disliking Brendan because you don't get to hear his side, yet, it will happen. I'm going to stick in one perspective because I think it will pay off.

So please stick with this, I know that its tough reading, I know it's taking forever but the answers are coming... just not quite yet.

* * *

Laura closed the door on the bar and he followed her into the office because she wasn't going to talk to him in the open. He wanted to know what the hell was going on but he didn't want an audience, especially not his staff.

He closed the door.

"What the fuck?" He asked shaking his head. He rubbed at his jaw. "What the fuck?" He exclaimed.

The shock was wearing off but he still couldn't believe it. Brendan in his bar, eating in his restaurant, being less than ten meters away from him and he hadn't even known.

"I know. Alright I know. I didn't know anything about it until they walked in." Laura replies and she looks about as worried as he's ever seen her. "Ste I swear I didn't know alright. Callum knew and he didn't tell me."

"What the fuck is going on?" He ground out.

"Dean is Ronnie Barnet's son."

"Caught that." He snapped.

"He is the youngest of three brothers…"

"I don't give a fuck about that what the hell is he doing here?"

"Well his Dad has taken over Shane's position, so his family are now a power and Dean… Ste I'm serious you don't want to be anywhere near him."

"Like I want to be." He didn't want to see him ever again never mind be in the same room. He didn't want him in his bar.

"Ste, he's a complete bastard and he turns on people for less than being his boyfriends ex." She is dead serious in fact he can't remember the last time she was so serious about something. "He's a proper shit."

"I get that." He doesn't care about that. He wants to know why he and Brendan are in his bar in Chester.

"No you don't. He's got a big reputation for having a hair trigger and he's violent. He got sent down for GBH and from what I'm hearing the only reason he hasn't been sent down for murder is because Ronnie protects him. He's reckless as fuck. Sadistic too." Laura stated.

What was Brendan doing with Dean? Why had he chosen Dean over him when he was such a bastard? Was that what Brendan really wanted from a boyfriend? Was that why he had chosen Dean?

What did it matter? He scolded himself. Brendan had chosen who he wanted. Moved on to Dean. Had decided that Dean was who he wanted, at least until he had a better offer because that was Brendan all over. Wanted what he had in front of him until he found someone else he couldn't have. It was all about the challenge. It was all a game.

"I just want to know what he's doing here? I thought he lived in Ireland." He had assumed that he did. He assumed that Brendan had gone home, started afresh there with his twinky nut job of a new toy.

"Before I tell you please, right please stay here." She's pleading and he knows without doubt that he's going to hate what she has to say.

"Where does he live?" He demands. "Laura. Where do he and Brendan live?"

"In Chester."

He rocks forward. He hadn't expected that.

"How long?" Because he has to know even though he doesn't want to.

"What?"

"How long have they lived here?"

"I'm not sure, a year? Eighteen months at least. Callum said that Dean got time and when he came out Ronnie set him up as an enforcer of sorts around here."

A year, Brendan had been living a few miles away from him for a year and he hadn't even come to say he was out… He thought about it. The anger was there. Anger that he didn't know but he hadn't thought about it. He hadn't thought about where Brendan lived. It didn't actually matter really. What did it change? He sighed and let the anger go. It wouldn't help.

This was just another nail in the already secured coffin lid. Not that he needed much more confirmation.

"Alright?" She asked concerned.

"Why wouldn't I be?" He asked sharply. He refused to let this knock him. "What does it matter?"

She looked like she wanted to say something but she held her tongue.

"What? You look like I'm a bomb ready to go off. So what? I mean I thought they lived in Ireland, but what does distance matter? He was here and I didn't know. He could have been in China and he still didn't come for me. I know that he doesn't want me, he wants Dean." He shrugged. "Nothing I can do about that is there?"

Nothing. He had accepted that. He couldn't make Brendan want him, couldn't make him need him. Couldn't make him chose him. Couldn't turn back time. Couldn't make him do anything differently. No. Brendan had made his choice and he wasn't it. And he had made his choice in Ireland.

"No. He doesn't get to keep doing this to me. I won't let him. I walked away and I don't regret it. He and his boy toy can do what they like. Live where they like. It doesn't change anything." He scrubbed his face. "Right I'm going home, it's been a long night."

"Ste."

"Leave it alright. Just go back in and keep your Dad happy." He stated. "Tell Callum… Actually it'll wait, I'll tell him myself. I'm see you tomorrow."

He picked up his jacket and his bag and headed into the cool night air. He looked up and took a deep breath then blew it out. He walked the long way to the bus stop. He wasn't going to walk past the bar and risk it. He would look in and his eyes would be drawn to him. He knew he would look because he wouldn't be able to help himself. He sat and played with him phone while he waited.

He rubbed at his face and sighed. He leant back against the bus shelter.

He laughed a little. Brendan Brady. He shook his head. He couldn't help but love him but that love was different now. It was tainted. Coloured by disappointment after disappointment and hurt. He wasn't going to pretend that he didn't love him, he had fooled himself before and learnt the lesson. It didn't work. It always came back to the surface so why even bother putting himself through that.

He tapped the back of his head against the plastic.

He wished that he had never seen Brendan again. Couldn't believe that he actually did because for the longest time that was his greatest torment. The hope that one day Brendan would come knocking and they would fall into each other all over again and that it would be even better than before.

He was a fool. An idiot.

He had wasted so much of his life on hope when he should have known from his own track record that nothing ever worked out like that for him. He should have known. Should have realised but then he can't think that he could have ever given up.

The dream, was just that. The reality, well he should have expected it.

He can't change the past, can't change what happened or what he did, what he wasted, the life he could have had if he'd let Jamie in, if he'd loved him properly instead of holding his heart back for Brendan when he should have known that it would only be shattered because that was all Brendan ever did. He always broke his heart. He always let Brendan break his heart because he had always thought that Brendan would be worth it. That they would be worth it.

The bus was just about empty as it always was at that time of night. The last bus back to Hollyoaks. He nodded to the driver who smiled at him as he took his money.

He sat in the middle of the bus and looked out the window at nothing then he caught his own reflection.

His face. The lines that had started to appear. It was like the torment, the misery of his life was looking back at him. He closed his eyes. He didn't want to look anymore.

When he got back to the flat he made himself a quick bowl of pasta since he hadn't had chance to eat anything while he'd been working, he wasn't hungry though and he took a mouthful then put the rest in the bin.

He stripped off and had the hottest shower he could stand before towelling himself dry and sitting on his bed.

His mind kept running through everything that had happened. Everything with Brendan, everything without him, everything because of him… He was so tired of thinking about it. So tired of knowing. So tired of not.

It didn't matter. It changed nothing.

He had had everything he had wanted in front of him in that corridor in Cheryl's house and he had walked away knowing that it was the right thing. It was what he had to do because he couldn't do it anymore. Couldn't be that person. Couldn't put himself through another round.

He was worth more.

He was worth more than having his heart shattered, worth more than lies and broken promises.

For the first time in his life he knew he was worth more.

That he deserved more.

He had two fabulous, brilliant children. A daughter who was excelling at school, a son who was holding his own and doing extremely well on the football pitch.

He had a well-established restaurant, a budding bistro and a Tapas bar.

He was a talented and successful chef who could teach others and help them become better.

He had friends he could rely on.

He had a twat of a junior business partner who he was going to have to sort out. But he knew that he could sort it out with Callum because he was strong enough to do that.

He had no personal life because he was always so busy, made himself so busy but if being with Jamie had taught him anything it was that he didn't need someone. He liked having someone to come home to but he didn't need someone to be there.

For the first time in his life he wasn't with anyone and it wasn't killing him… He wasn't lonely in his own company, it didn't frighten him to be alone.

For the first time in his life he was happy with who he was. Proud even.

He had been through so much, been in so much pain he hadn't thought he'd make it through but he had. He had made it through and it had taught him a lot.

He had made mistakes, more than a few, but he had learnt his lessons.

He knew who he was and there was no one who could change that. He was strong now. He was older, wiser and he knew exactly who he was and what he wanted from life.

He was a man in love with a man that didn't want him but that was ok because he knew that and he could deal with that because now he knew. As long as he knew where he stood, he could deal with it. Had no choice but to deal with it.

He wasn't going to let anything, anyone including himself take him back to the depths of despair he had known because he didn't deserve it.

He was worth more.

He pulled the quilt over himself and set his alarm. He had the morning shift at Ill Nosh.

He had a future, and for the first time in a long time that future had nothing to do with Brendan Brady.


	41. Chapter 41

Thank you for taking the time to review.

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He worked all morning, slaved would be a more accurate term in Ill Nosh until he had been able to hand off to the new chef, Marc, who had just started the week before. He was good, good enough that he didn't have to worry about him but it becoming increasingly clear that Tony's priorities were lying more and more with SALLT which was fine because he had been the one who had asked to stay based mainly at Ill Nosh but he hadn't thought that he'd be pretty much left to it.

Tony was meant to be working just as many shifts as he was but SALLT wasn't open for breakfast so it was never going to balance out properly. It was his own fault he should have been fully on the rota and the three of them should have been split fair although Marc had a young family so he wasn't as prepared to put in all hours, he was committed but he was balancing his life out and work had to fit in with his family because in his previous job he had put work ahead of his family and his wife had nearly left him.

He was sympathetic with that. He understood that Marc had taken a pay cut so that he didn't have to work the same hours, that he was going to a smaller restaurant to lose the stress he had had while dealing with nearly 200 covers a service and that it wasn't Marc's business, he was only there to make a wage and he wanted them to be successful but he wasn't as invested as Tony and Ste.

He had talked to Tony and he had agreed that it wasn't balanced but he couldn't work out a sensible way of sorting it out until Harry had asked for more responsibility. It was decided that Harry could do the morning service once he was confident which meant that even though Ste wasn't technically working because he wasn't running service he was still there.

He made use of the time doing the ordering that had somehow been handed off on him since Tony said that since he was there most of the time he knew what the market was and what the specials should be and that was logical but it meant more paperwork than he wanted to be doing.

He wanted to be cooking and instead he had spent half the morning in the far corner talking to the local butcher who acted as their meat supplier about what cuts were the lowest price this month and which meats were rising in price, which seemed to be all of them and which were going down which seemed to be none of them. He had managed to get a good deal out of him in the end but it had been torture going through all the figures and talking through the order which the butcher seemed to think was an important part of the meeting instead of looking at the order and agreeing the price. Normally he would have loved talking through the menu and why he was using this cut and not that cut in great detail but no today.

He had also spent most of that time keeping a close eye on Harry.

Now all he wanted to do was get to Stellarto and have a few words with Callum about just what he was playing at.

When he arrived he found Callum in a meeting with Greg Thompson.

"Ste so nice to see you again." Greg stated as he shook his head and held it a little too long. He knew Greg fancied him. He'd expressed a subtle, well not subtle interest last time they had a meeting but he hadn't really been with it and he certainly hadn't been looking too deeply.

He was alright really. Attractive enough but he was arrogant. He wasn't just confident, it really was arrogance and that had put him straight off. It was like everyone in the world was after him and he could get who he wanted when he wanted.

He snorted a little, it reminded him of someone. Although that someone had all his insecurities below the force field of arrogance and it was the underneath that he had fallen for not the show he put on.

"I wasn't expecting you." Callum said.

Well he should have been, and it was on the tip of his tongue to say but this was business and Greg was giving them some good deals so he didn't want to appear unprofessional.

"Yeah, I just thought we could have a bit of a chat, I should have called ahead but I had to talk to Tony so I thought two birds one stone and all that." He lied, well stretched the truth.

"Well we're almost done here." Callum replied. "If you don't mind Tony was looking for a new house white if you wouldn't mind having a chat with him while you're here."

"Always looking to promote a good house white." He smiled a little too much and Callum took him through into the bistro.

Ste stood and looked around trying to keep himself on task because he knew Callum was taking his sweet time so that he would lose his train of thought.

Callum walked back in.

"Before…" He started.

"Why didn't you tell me that Brendan would be here?" He demanded. "You went behind my back to get that little gangster get together here. You said you understood not to go behind my back."

"I wasn't." Callum shrugged. "I assumed you knew that Dean was Mr Barnet's son and that Brendan would be accompanying him since he had to be here anyway. It's not my fault you didn't know." This is the Callum he met in the office when he'd drugged him. This was the bastard side of Callum that he couldn't understand Laura putting up with.

"You didn't tell me." He insisted because that was the bottom line. Callum was trying to make out that he hadn't kept anything from him, that it was his fault for not asking, or for not knowing. He wasn't going to apologise.

"Why does that matter?" Callum asked as he wondered around the bar and mixed himself a drink.

"Because I let you into my business." He let him in. He had given him a chance, a real shot at walking away from all the drug dealing and all the other things that Callum did for Mr Arthur.

"No Ste I think you'll find I bought in. I invested. I don't owe you anything." He took a sip of his drink and leant forward on the bar. "This is business Ste. Personal feelings are left at the door."

"Along with common courtesy obviously." It wasn't too much to ask for a head's up. A quiet word just warning him that Brendan and Dean would be here. Not that it mattered, he reminded himself.

"Like I said I thought you knew. I though Laura did too. She really is a little too out of touch for her own good."

"What's that meant to mean?"

"Nice to see I'm not the only one you're angry at." He'd recognise Brendan's voice anywhere.

He spun on his heel.

"What are you doing here?" He wished he wasn't in the middle of an argument because that meant that he couldn't stop himself making the words come out with snap instead of calm and cool like he wanted to. He wanted Brendan to know that he wasn't going to get a rise out of him because he was getting on without him because he deserved better. But his heckles were up and he hadn't been able to stop himself.

"I came to see Callum." Brendan states.

"Right well you can wait in line because I'm not done." He snapped.

Brendan smiled a little and shook his head. Which made him want to smack him and ask him just what was so funny?

"We're done." Callum stated.

He wasn't going to let Callum dismiss him like that.

"We're done when I say we're done."

"Sorry." Greg walked in. "Forgot my case." He picked up his belongings. "Callum I will ring you when I have the Churchaven Pionotage 07."

"I'd appreciate that." Callum shook Greg's hand.

"Ste, anytime you want to brush up on your white's give me a call." He handed Ste a business card. He offered his hand and shook it, again Greg held on a little too long. "Anytime."

He caught Brendan's change in stance out the corner of his eye and he frowned a little.

"I might hold you to that." He replied just to see what Brendan did, curiosity, just for the sake of it and Brendan shifted again.

Anger rose with a vengeance. He couldn't help it. Brendan being in the same room as him opened the wounds that he was desperately trying to heal. It was still too raw. He knew where he stood, Brendan didn't want him, but knowing that and dealing with that wasn't the same as being around him with him acting all… No he wasn't… No. Just no. He quashed the thought. That. That would be far too much to deal with.

He gave Greg a tight smile as he left and Brendan glared at Greg until the door was shut and he was down the street.

He fucking was… No. Brendan couldn't be je… No. He wouldn't let himself think it even though it was there clawing at him.

"What the fuck was that?" He demanded turning on Brendan.

"Oh great." Callum sighed but he didn't turn and give him a mouthful.

"He's no good Steven."

He clamped down the urge to hit him. He had no right.

"So? And what has that got to do with you? My life Brendan or have you forgotten already?"

"I can't even offer an opinion on a man I know?"

"Not to me."

"Steven I think you…"

"I mustn't have made myself clear in Ireland I don't care what you think, I don't want to hear it. Now excuse us." He turned back on Callum.

"Steven."

"Ste you can bitch at me later as it is I have to speak to Brendan. It's business."

"Business?" What business did Callum have with Brendan? They were meant to be old contacts from years ago. They had lied. Brendan had lied to him although he had known that at the time. They weren't just old contacts and they hadn't been discussing an old deal. There was far more to it than that.

"Cobra business." Callum clarified.

What did Brendan have to do with Cobra? What was Brendan actually doing for work? He frowned. He didn't like the idea of Brendan having anything to do with Cobra because that meant that he and Callum were too close. It would mean that Callum knew a huge amount more than he'd let on to him.

This wasn't just business, this was personal as well and if Callum was holding information back from him he needed to know why but he knew he wouldn't get a straight answer from Callum in this mood.

"I need to finish my handover to Brendan otherwise I'll have to continue on Mr Arthur's orders and he might want something from me." It was a threat that Callum wouldn't get out and the bar would get dragged in.

Brendan was working for Mr Arthur, Brendan was going to be taking over from Callum. Back involved in nightclubs and given what he knew about Cobra, he was back involved with drugs. Some things didn't change.

He found himself disappointed. Then vilified. Brendan had promised to change his life and yet here he was back involved with gangsters, violence and with a drug dealer's son on his arm. He was never going to change. He had been an even bigger idiot than he thought he had been all those years ago. An idiot for thinking that Brendan would ever change. That he would change for him, that he would be enough.

He took a deep breath and calmed himself. But he couldn't suppress a little spike of worry because he knew what that world had done to him. He clamped down hard. Brendan's life was nothing to do with him anymore.

He couldn't and wouldn't be a hypocrite in this.

"Right fine. I'll see you later." He turned to leave but Brendan stood in his way.

"Steven…" Brendan started.

"I think we're done." He stated and walked around him.

By the time he got back to Ill Nosh he was late for his shift and Marc had left leaving Harry in charge, it was quiet enough that he didn't have to worry about him and left him to continue on with the remaining tickets.

He rang Laura but her phone went straight to voice mail.

He got distracted by Jenny who had messed up and double booked two tables. It had taken ages to work out just how they were going to manage, if they even could manage to fit everyone in but once they had decided that they wouldn't take any walk-in customers around that time then it was sorted although he didn't like the idea that he was going to have to turn people away.

"You rang?" Laura asked as she walked in looking harassed with five deep files in her arms.

"Got time to talk about something?" he asked although it was more a statement.

He got Jenny to get him a tea and Laura a coffee and they sat in their usual spot in the back corner.

"Honestly I swear estate agents look at me and think I'm a fucking idiot or something. Look at this…" She opened a file. "It's a pile of shit that needs an industrial cleaner, structural work and a re-plaster and this knobby little wanker turns around and say that it just needs some paint then it'll be ready to go. At this rate I'll be taking that god awful office on the business park and you know how much I hated that…" She's rattling on.

"Laura." He snaps.

"What?"

"I need to ask you something." He stated. "I need to know why Brendan is taking over running Cobra."

"Brendan?" She frowns. Then does the squinty thing with her eyes when she doesn't quite believe what she's hearing. "Callum said he was handing off but he never said who to. He's… Oh that sack of shit." She exclaimed and shook her head. "He'll fucking regret this."

"Wha…"

"He's playing fucking information games… It's my fault. I should have fucking known. He told me last night that Brendan was in with the Barnet's I mean it's obvious he's banging Dean…" He exhales sharply. He doesn't want to think about Brendan banging anyone, not that it was anything to do with him. "Sorry but he's sleeping with Barnet's son so he's in with them I didn't realise he still had a connection to Mr Arthur although it does make sense I suppose. Mr Arthur and Huston were pretty close… I'll ask Kate." She pulled out her phone. "Might take a bit." She warned.

He left her to it while he went to do his prep but he couldn't concentrate. He wanted to know what Callum was playing at, that was his justification and he was sticking to it. He wasn't looking to know more about Brendan's life and just what he'd been doing living a few miles away. Brendan didn't want him. He reminded himself. He wasn't going to even bother trying to deny he cared to himself but Brendan had shut him out. He was the one who decided everything so he was going to concentrate on Callum and keeping his business out of whatever shit he was still involved in because he hadn't even denied still being involved.

Laura waved at him when she put the phone down.

"Kate says…"

"Who is Kate?" He asked because he wants to get this straight in his head.

"Kate is Mr Arthur's long suffering mistress, she's the one on his arm when he's out and about. His wife doesn't give a shit anymore, she playing the good wife and staying behind closed doors, figures it's safer that way. Anyway Kate says that Brendan started working at Cobra for Mr Arthur around eight months ago. That he'd been working under Callum but now that Callum's leaving Mr Arthur immediately gave Brendan the job. Explains a few things… Callum suddenly deciding he wants out." She stated tapping the table and shaking her head. "That bastard has been saying that he wants out and all the while he's been forced out. He fucking jumped before he was pushed."

"Callum said he wanted out for you."

"For me? Please Ste. That man doesn't do anything if it's not for himself." She sighed. "Teaches me not to take my eye off the ball. I should know this stuff."

"You're out." He stated because he knew the reason Laura hadn't known was because she was being so strict with keeping herself out of that world especially after Shane.

"There's out and there's letting him play me because I'm out." She took a sip of her coffee and smiled.

"What are you going to do?" He sighed, he knew that smile.

"Play the hard done to girlfriend." She replied.

"Girlfriend you admitting it now?"

"No Ste. Me and Callum are friends with benefits but I can play this how he wants until I know enough to nail him."

"Don't you ever get sick of the games?" He knew he was. He was tired of people playing him.

"Life is a game Ste. Please tell me that you aren't on a downward." She looked at him closely. Like she could determine his thoughts.

"Stop it."

"Ste I know knowing that Brendan's being around is hard. I know that it hurts and I know you're angry."

"I'm not. Not anymore."

"You are."

"Don't tell me how I feel!" He exclaimed.

She didn't bat an eyelid at his outburst. Like she had been expecting it.

"You're angry." She stated. "But don't let that anger eat at you."

"I know he doesn't want me."

"But?"

"But today when Greg was flirting with me he…" He wasn't sure. "It was like he was jealous and it threw me. He doesn't have the right to be jealous when he… He got out right, no, first off he chose to get sent down, then he chose to cut me out then he chose to not tell me and shacked up with that twat of a twink and now he warns me off Greg." He smacked his hand into the table.

"Old habits?" She shrugged.

"I'm an old habit, cheers."

"No I mean that he hasn't been around you," she had the good grace to wince "and now you're around, maybe he hasn't quite figured out how to deal with that. Maybe he just fell into old behaviour without even thinking. You two from what you've told me were intense, maybe it's kicking up dust for him too."

"He chose Dean he does not get to have any say in my life."

"No but he is." She stated. "You're letting him… You say that Greg was flirting with you and Brendan was there, were you flirting with Greg?"

"No! Maybe. Yeah alright. I just wanted to see what happened."

"You wanted to test him. See a reaction." She closed her eyes and lick her lip. "You're letting Brendan influence you. But more than anything you wanted to see if there was still something there."

He shook his head. No.

"You're looking to see if he still cares."

"He doesn't give a shit about me!" He slammed his hand on the table and stood up the chair crashed to the floor.

"If you really believed that then you wouldn't have bothered testing him because you would have known that you wouldn't get a reaction. If he didn't give a shit he wouldn't have bothered saying anything."

"I…" She cut him off with force.

"Ste you don't get to ride rough shot. You don't get to decide how Brendan feels. You get so fucking angry with anyone telling you how you feel. He treated you badly and you have a right to be angry, more than angry with him because he's been a bastard but you don't get to just sweep away what you did have because it suits you. You don't get to decide that Brendan never loved you because it easier."

"Fuck you."

"Really that's your come back?"

"You don't do what he did to me if you care."

Laura pursed her lips.

"Ste…" She sighed. "You're going to have to deal with this. You don't get to brush it away because it hurts. I said it before I'm proud that you walked away and I know how hard that must have been but it's not over if you don't let it be. It's not going to work if every time Brendan is around you lose it because he will be around. If Callum is handing off there will be more than one meeting."

"I just won't work at…"

"No. That's not dealing with it. That's avoiding it. You have to get this sorted so you can walk into a room see Brendan and it doesn't throw you."

"Do you think I want it to be like this? I know he doesn't want me and I know my life is worth more than ripping myself to shreds over him but just seeing him… I just want to move forward."

"Then deal with this."

"I…"

"He betrayed you Ste and that's why you're so angry, that's why you struggle to keep it together. He betrayed you and he hasn't apologised for it."

"He did. He was sorry I showed up because I was never meant to know he was out. He said that him-fucking-self. He was going to leave me torturing myself and he could live with that. He did live with that. He knew what he was doing to me and he shacked up with Dean."

"How did he know?" She asked. "I mean he never read a letter you sent him."

"What does that matter?"

"Maybe he didn't know until you told him what your life had been like. Maybe he thought you had moved on too."

He… No.

"He knew."

"He's clairvoyant? Come on Ste he had no idea what had happened to you."

"Didn't bother to come and find out though."

"No he didn't." She struggling and he going to keep going until she see it. See that Brendan didn't love him like he loved Brendan.

"So he didn't even care enough to do that did he? So how could he have loved me? Got you there don't I?"

"You're going to hate me." She sighs. "But if this is still causing you this much grief then there's no way around it, you're going to have to ask him."

"What?!"

"If you can't get past this you are going to have to ask him why he did what he did."

"Because he's an uncaring, unfeeling bastard."

She gave him a considered look.

"Does that describe the man you love? Is that who you fell in love with?" She asked.

"Obviously, I just didn't see through his good boyfriend act."

"Are you two done?" Jenny asked.

He had been so caught up he forgot where he was. Shit. There was an audience. Not much of one since they seemed to have managed to clear everyone but the staff.

"Sorry." He muttered.

"I better go. Look Ste I know I haven't been around much, with all this office hunting and the clinic. I know that when I have been my head hasn't always been screwed on but anytime you want to talk just ring me."

He nodded.

He shook himself and took a deep breath, slowly letting it out before he turned and went back to the kitchen.

It was fine, he was fine when Brendan wasn't around so he just had to keep away from him.


	42. Chapter 42

I'm away for a couple of days so even though this isn't everything I had panned for this chapter, it's at an alright point to cut off and the next chapter will start where this leaves off.

Kind of feel I'm back on form with this, I'm not that happy with 40, I think I should have gone with the rewrite. But I think I'm back better with 41 and this. So sorry for the dip.

(Oh, "Guest" there is a reason Ste still uses the bus, it involves a bus stop but that's a while away.)

* * *

"Ste can we switch shifts tonight?" Tony asked. "I wouldn't ask but with all these problems at the flats." A water pipe had burst the previous day and Tony had spent most of yesterday trying to sort it out with residents, a plumber and a company who hired dehumidifiers, now he was trying to sort out new carpets and all sorts.

"Yeah." He replied.

"I was beginning to think you were avoiding the place you've been switching with Marc. That you didn't like the new kitchen." That was an exaggeration he had swapped two lunch shifts, he'd worked the last evening shift that he was meant to.

"Nah I've just been dead busy here haven't I so… But yeah it's no bother."

"Well you may as well get off now since I know I'm putting you out."

He wondered into the back and got changed. He didn't want to work at SALLT but he was going to have to. He decided that he disliked having so many staff to manage and so many more covers to do but he knew he was just avoiding it just in case Brendan was there meeting Callum and he knew that wasn't what he wanted, he wanted to be able to go and work at SALLT, go next door and check on Stellarto and yet he hadn't quite managed it. He knew that he wasn't ready to see Brendan again. He didn't have his control yet because everytime he thought about seeing him anger rose. No if he couldn't be civil then what was the point? It just upset everyone and if he happened to be in the bar and he let lose it could hurt the business. He knew that he couldn't blank Brendan or rather that Brendan wouldn't allow him to blank him because that wasn't Brendan's style. He knew that Ste was angry therefore the chances were he'd seek him out and torment him so more possibly with talks of his sex life and how Dean liked to be fisted.

God his brain could be poisonous.

He checked his watch and realised that he was going to miss the bus if he didn't get his arse into gear.

Working at SALLT was always so different to working at Ill Nosh and now with a good week from the place he realised how much he had missed the new kitchen. How much he liked the design and lay out and yeah he had to deal with running more covers and he had to give orders to more commie's which meant that he had to be far more organised, it also meant that he didn't have to do the prep because one of the commie's did it for him.

He sat at his favourite table near the access through to the bar just back from the spiral staircase. It was like it shielded him. He had a view of the street and could see everyone walking back and forward but they couldn't see him without really looking.

"Mr… Ste." Sam approached, she was a lovely girl and very formal which made her perfect for front of house but it also meant she struggled sometimes to call him Ste instead of Mr Hay. He didn't like being called that it reminded him of Terry, it reminded him of getting bollocked at school. "I was wondering if I could talk to you."

"Course sit down." He pushed the seat opposite out with his foot.

"The things is I've been trying to talk to Mr Hutchinson for a couple of days but he's been so busy that I didn't want to bother him. The thing is that I found out that I'm pregnant."

"Congratulations." Her face fell.

"I'm... I…"

"It's a shock I take it?"

She sighed.

"I… It's not planned. I was going to… Doesn't matter now does it? I just thought you should know you know line up someone to replace me."

"You handing in your notice?" He asked alarmed.

"I… Yes. I love working here but I don't want to cause you any problems."

"Sam do you want to stay?"

She looked undecided.

"Because if you want to stay we can work out cover, we can reduce your work load, I don't want you to leave especially if it's just because you're pregnant."

"I don't know what to do?" She burst into tears, then took a shuddering breath and he watched her put herself back together again. "Sorry, sorry Mr Hay I…"

"Come here." He got up and walked around to her and wrapped his arms around her. She fell apart against him, crying. It lasted a few minutes before she was tensing and pulling away.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to."

"It's fine Sam." He replied. He picked up one of the cloth napkins and handed to her.

"It's not I'm more professional than crying in front of my boss." She replied thoroughly chastising herself. "I don't know why it feels like the end of my life. All my plans. I was going to go back to college and take a hospitality course."

"Why can't you?" He asked, frowning.

"I can hardly take a screaming baby into a lesson. My Mum works full time. As soon as this baby arrives I'm not going to be able to do anything but take care of it."

"The Dad?" he asked. She shook her head. "Have you told him?" She shook her head again.

"This is my problem."

"It's not a problem. I think you need to speak to him because until you do you don't know how much help he's going to be."

"We've only been going out six months. What if he doesn't want to know?"

"What if he does? What if he steps up to the plate? I mean look at me."

She frowned at him.

"I was a scally, a proper no mark but when Amy had Leah I did everything I could to provide for them, even though Leah isn't biologically mine, when Amy had Lucas it was the same. We were on-off then off and that didn't matter. I had nothing but that didn't stop me. I tried, I did everything, anything I could because that's what I had to do. So don't take this bloke's choice away from him. And don't do that to yourself. Find out one way or the other then you'll know where you stand and you can plan from there. You're a bright, intelligent young woman and you'll work it out. As for here you'll get maternity leave if you stay, you're entitled so you'll be earning and believe me you'll need every penny. The little gits are always hungry, always growing out of stuff, can't seem to see that you're trying but then you did that to your Mam too so it's only fair. This doesn't mean it's the end of your life it's just a different one."

"Do you regret…"

"Never. I was much younger than you when I had two kids to provide for and I wouldn't change anything. They're everything to me, they made me who I am. It isn't easy but they're worth it and Amy feels the same. She went to college and got herself a career after the kids, it wasn't what she planned but she got what she wanted in the end."

She licked at her top lip.

"You really don't mind me staying?"

"Course not. We'll look at your shifts when you start to feel that you need to cut back and we'll arrange cover for you and as soon as you want to come back you'll be welcome with open arms. If you decide you don't want to come back then that's fine too but I don't want you to leave. You're important to us, me and Tony, you're fantastic front of house with the awkard bastards we get in, you keep the others in line and you run the tables smoothly and given that we've only been open a little while and we're still getting to grips with some of the finer details, you're still keeping the customers happy. So I don't want you to leave but it's up to you."

She nodded, looking pensive.

"Take your time. It's a shock but anytime you want to talk just come to me or Tony, whatever is going on. You're a member of our team and we want you to feel like you can come to us right so anytime."

"Thank you." She wrung her hands. "I better get the tables finished."

He sat back heavily wondering when he'd grown up, when he had really started being a boss because that was the first time he could remember having to deal with a staff issue quite so serious but then maybe it had been so gradual that now he was here he just knew how to deal with things as a boss. He'd been a boss for a long time, without maybe realising it.

"Ste." Callum said as he sat down. "You said you wanted to finish up the other day but before you do I want to apologise to you. I… You caught me at a bad time and you got caught in the cross fire between me and Laura and I'm sorry… I didn't realise that you didn't know who Dean was, that's a genuine thing. I thought you knew. But I should have told you that Brendan was coming to the drinks party and I should have told you that he was taking over from me at Cobra but… I was trying to make a point to Laura and I knew if I told you, you'd tell her."

He shook his head.

"Are you two ever going to stop this power trip thing?" He asked.

"One day I hope. I just can't help it. She winds me up."

"You wind each other up." He replied. "Look I don't care what's going on between you two, I know that she's my friend and that we talk a lot but Callum we are business partners and I don't want you cutting me out because you're trying to get to her. And I don't want you threatening the business. You said you wanted out of that world and I know that you have to hand over managing Cobra to Brendan but don't threaten to drag it out. If you want to be out and I mean out which is why I offered you this then you're going to have to stay out and that means not hosting drinks parties for any of those people. That means that the bar doesn't get dragged into that world. I'm not naïve enough to think that you are going to be able to cut all ties because if I've learnt anything from knowing Laura it's that it isn't so clear cut but I'm telling you now that I don't want to be involved in it. I don't want my business involved right?"

"Yeah, fair enough."

"Good right I've got to get ready for service. I'll see you in a bit." He got up at the same time as Callum.

"Oh Ste? You seriously aren't considering going out with Greg are you?" He asked.

"Why?"

"It's just he's a bit of a twat with blokes. You know the type spoils them rotten makes them see what he could offer, fucks them and leaves. He's got some recordings from some of his past fucks that he keeps because he loves to hear them beg for him to ring them. He's a proper prick."

"Nah I wasn't serious. He's too arrogant for my tastes."

Callum snorted.

"You were going out with Brendan Brady that man about as arrogant as they come."

"Only on the surface." He replied.

"See you later." Callum walked back into the bar.

He walked into the kitchen and got the run down off Jess of what they needed to finish in terms of prep and pulled Connor off pot washing to de-shell some prawns.

He let them play music off Jess' phone even though he'd have preferred the radio and he'd make them turn it off once they were open and get Jess to put her phone out of the way.

"Opening up Ste." Sam called.

It always took a good hour before they hit busy so they were able to finish their prep.

"Compliments of table 3 they'd like to thank you for a wonderful lunch in person." Sam stated smiling.

"Bit busy." He replied. "Jess…"

"On with the one, one and three pork." She replied from the stove.

"Followed by a one, two and one beef and a two, one chicken." He moved the tickets along.

"Three minutes on the pork, five on the beef and chicken."

"They're pretty insistent."

"Not right now alright Sam? Let me get these tables sorted." He started on the fish to go with the meat orders to complete the tables Jess was dealing with.

"Course chef." It was obvious that she was too used to Tony and Marc who insisted on being called chef. He wasn't that fussed personally.

There was a lot of tourists about and it was busier than he was used to. He brought Connor on to garnish the plates and credit to him he was brilliant.

"Tony gets me to do this." He smiled as he set about making another plate.

"Jess… two soup on."

"Four minutes."

"Richard table fifteen." He stated to the waiter with his hand over the five plates. "Mags give him a hand while we finish your table."

"Ste sorry three are still waiting." Sam stated from the pass.

He thought they would have left. He looked to Jess who was settling down, there were only three tables left on the tickets and she had them under control.

"Two minuets." He called.

"I tried to let them know that you appreciated their comments but they really wanted to see you especially the blonde." She said as they walked out into the busy bottom floor. He turned the corner.

Dean… And Ronnie. Could have been worse.

He nodded to Sam and straightened his whites.

"Steven." Dean smiled, and he couldn't help but want to stab his eyes out.

"Dean, Mr Barnet." He smiled and god he was thankful he could blag because otherwise this could be a disaster. He remember to address Ronnie as Mister Barnet as a mark of respect.

"I just wanted to say in person how wonderful our meals were." Barnet smiled. "I realise you're busy but it's important to let people you know their appreciation of their work."

"I'm sorry I kept you waiting but..." He gestured around the busy tables.

"I understand completely."

"I was wondering if we could book a table, it's my boy Fred's birthday on Saturday and I would like to have it here, hire the entire upstairs. They'll be a lot of guests. Twenty five or so. I was speaking to our waitress and she said that it wouldn't be a problem but she'd have to run it past you and… Tony I believe she said."

He couldn't say they were fully booked if Sam had said that it wouldn't be a problem.

"Yeah it's no problem."

"Brendan will be here." Dean stated. "Ste knows Brendan Dad."

"A long time ago."

Dean's lip twisted.

"Well in that case maybe you should be joining us. I'm always keen to meet people Brendan knows they always turn out to be useful."

"That's very kind of you but I'll be working at our other restaurant." Thank fuck.

"I'm sure being the boss you can arrange a night off."

"I'm sorry but that won't be possible we're very busy."

"Well then can you work here instead?" Barnet was not a man used to hearing no from what he could tell.

"I'll talk to Tony but it shouldn't be a problem. Now I must get back. It was nice seeing you again." He nodded to both of them and walked back to the kitchen.

He waited until he was out of sight before leaning against the wall and letting himself sag down a little, how did he keep ending up in situations like this?

"Ste?" Sam asked. He opened his eyes and she looked concerned.

"Did Mr Barnet book a table of twenty five? That bloke on table three."

"Yeah. I moved some tables around and managed to get upstairs completely free. And got him to agree to a two hundred pound deposit given that we'll be losing customers with so many tables unavailable."

He nodded. This was not Sam's fault he reminded himself. This was business. Personal feelings outside the door. They couldn't turn down a customer. That wasn't what bothered him though, it was that he was going to have to switch shifts and be here because that customer insisted.

"The customer is always right." He muttered to himself.

"Except for when they're wankers." Sam joked.

"Too true." He would have to speak to Tony. He would have to be here because now that Barnet knew he was meant to be somewhere else he would insist on seeing him. He couldn't just not be here because Barnet wasn't a man he would like to cross. Given what he knew he was involved in and given what he knew Laura's Dad had been involved in and they were at about the same level from what he could work out. He had to keep him sweet for the sake of the business because he didn't know what would happen if he got on the wrong side of him.

He raked his hands down his face and pulled his phone from his pocket ringing Tony.


	43. Chapter 43

Thank you for reviewing I really appreciate it.

(Edit - Corrected a couple of glaring spelling error's sorry about that.)

* * *

Tony agreed to Mr Barnet's party and that he could switch to working at SALLT, it was agreed between them that it should be both of them running the service and Marc should work at Ill Nosh given that Marc and himself hadn't worked together much and Tony and himself were a proven team.

With that sorted he just had to work out how he was going to get through playing nice.

He planned to talk to Laura, get his anger out about the entire situation but first she was in Liverpool giving a lecture, then she at the clinic, then she had a two day conference, which was only compounded by the fact that the fridge broken at Ill Nosh and he had to sort out an electrician who wasn't very good, then another who was better but couldn't fix it without a part which wouldn't arrive until the weekend unless he was prepared to pay extra, which he had to because they couldn't work without it. Then Tony had to take a day off to deal with the flats and the carpenters, then Marc's daughter was ill and he had to missed two shifts which meant that Tony and he had to switch everything around, it couldn't be helped but by the time he was in the middle of Saturday's evening service, with Mr Barnet's party going on his head was in a swirl and he hadn't had chance to even think.

It was nice though working with Tony again after so long with one of the other in the kitchen but rarely both of them. It was like the old days although he was far more experienced and capable even so Tony had taken the lead and after such a stressful week he was relieved to just be cooking again. Just cook for orders as they were called without having to deal with any organisation, it was a welcome change of pace.

"Ticket on, upstairs." Tony stated and everyone stopped. "Starters. 8 soup; 5 pate and 6 Camembert to share."

"Yes, chef." Echoed around the kitchen as Michael and Lyndsey set to work.

"En tray's 7 beef that's 3 rare and 4 medium rare, 6 chicken, 7 pork, 5 fish." Tony read out.

"Yes chef." He replied and started work on the plates so that they would be ready for the food to go on, then helping Jess with the bread for the Camembert.

The starters went out on time.

"Ticket on table 4; 2 soup, 1 pate." Tony called and it was back to the downstairs orders.

"Chef, upstairs just starting to finish their starters." Sam stated and that was the cue for them all to get started.

"I don't want any more orders for at least five minutes." Tony replied. "Michael as soon as table 4 is done I want you to help Jess with the veg."

"Chef." Michael replied.

Jess burnt one of the fish, and that was the first time he can remember her ever burning anything.

"Calm it down guys." He stated worried that it was starting to get a little too rushed and paniced. "You do this day in day out, no difference." He added as he finished off the medium rare orders before turning his attention to the rare.

"Richard, Mags let's get moving." Sam stated and started taking plates through the back and up the stairs.

As soon as they had finished with the meals for upstairs they found themselves behind on the downstairs and had to work double time to get all the tables back up and running.

"Jess deserts for upstairs." Sam handed the ticket to her.

He looked at her as her eyes opened wide and she shook her head.

"Tony I'm giving Jess a hand." He stated since he was just finishing up table 9's mains. "Come on Connor." He wanted to get the deserts cleared quickly, so he had Connor dress the plates while Jess sliced up the tarts and plated up the sorbet, he heated the custard. Sam joined them and got the cream from the fridge, pouring it into the little jugs.

He helped Sam carry the deserts up to the counter outside the swing doors which lead into upstairs section so she wouldn't have to come back downstairs.

When he returned to the kitchen Jess was finishing another set of deserts and Tony was wiping down the counters.

"Done?" He asked.

"Just the deserts and clear down to do." Tony smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. "Well done tonight."

"Team effort." He stated deliberately loudly so that the others would hear him.

"Our team." Tony's smile was blinding.

He helped Lyndsey clean the stove and had asked Michael to help Connor out by cleaning the pans while Connor concentrated on the plates which had stacked up while he was helping with the plates. Jess did the desert area. Tony cleaned the counters and started to brush the floor so that Connor would only have to brush the rest before he mopped down.

"Sorry Mr Hutchinson, Ste but upstairs would like to thank you." Richard stated as he brought down some more plates for Connor.

The adrenaline was starting to ebb and the tiredness was kicking in but he was so proud of his, their team and so pleased with the night that he wasn't fazed.

"Tony before we go in there I think you should know that Brendan might be there." He stated firming himself up.

"Brendan as in Brendan, Brendan Brady?" He asked in alarm. "I didn't realise he was out."

"Yeah, well just so you know he'll likely be with his boyfriend."

"Oh Ste."

"It's fine but just… Don't let me blow alright." He wasn't going to. He felt too good. He felt in control. He had made it through a difficult service with the team pulling together, relying on them, them relying on him and Tony to keep it together and they had. He knew he wasn't going to let anything get to him but it was nice to have a safety net there just in case. "And the man who's son's birthday it is, he's to be addressed Mr Barnet but I'll introduce you."

He straightened his white's took a deep breath and pushed through the door.

The table was in the centre. They had pushed together all the tables upstairs to make one giant table. It was the only way they had been able to work it in the space available to get everyone in. There had been a suggestion at one point of making a U shape but it felt too much like a wedding arrangement and with all the tables together they were able to have feel more intimate and less formal. And it had given more space to put out bread and make it communal. And it had worked from what he could see.

There were conversations running across and around the table.

"Steven. Tony." Mr Barnet rose from his seat with a glass of wine in hand and opened his arms out. "Everyone these are the two gentlemen responsible for your wonderful food this evening."

A round of applause broke out.

He was trying to soak it in but his eyes drifted to Brendan who was looking directly at him, clapping and smiling slightly. Dean was to his left with a look of distain on his face, he was lent back on his chair.

He took a breath and let it out. He could do this.

"I can't thank you enough. Fred," he gestured to a broad, well dressed middle aged man who was to the right of Mr Barnet's seat, "he's delighted as am I. Thank you."

He shook them by the hand.

"We are about to go to the bar we'd be delighted to have you join us." There wasn't a question there to answer. They were going or he'd be offended, there was no room of manoeuvre.

"We'll meet you there we've just a couple of things in the kitchen to wrap up." Tony answered for him.

"Good, good." Mr Barnet smiled.

He turned and walked back downstairs and back into the kitchen not waiting for Tony. He immediately went back to helping Lyndsey who had taken off the tops and was scrubbing them in one of the sinks. He picked up a cloth and started cleaning the underneath to get the spilled sauces and pieces of food out before it got set. Jess took the run off trays and used the now empty pan sink to clean those.

"Ste I'm heading next door." Tony stated. He hadn't even realised that Tony had gotten changed but there he was in his jeans.

"I won't be long." He'd be as long as possible, without dragging his feet too much.

"Last few tables on coffee." Maggie stated as she brought through some plates. "Sam's started wiping down and Richards available for cutlery."

"3 buckets ready, forth nearly there." Connor replied with glee bringing the buckets out from where he had stashed them under the loading/emptying counter for the dishwasher.

"Waters on the boil." Michael added nudging Connor with a smile.

Nobody liked polishing cutlery, it was one of those jobs that everyone hated, they would do it because it was easy but it was boring and tedious.

"Cloths?" Maggie asked and Jess threw two on the counter.

"Go get our boy." Lyndsey placed the cutlery tray out.

"Not by himself if you want to get home tonight. You know the rules." He stated smiling as they groaned slightly.

"Great service tonight you should be proud of yourselves. Me and Tony are. Jess I'm next door."

"Yeah leave us slaving while you get a beer." She replied with good nature.

"There have to be some perks to being the boss." He smiled. "Let Sam know we'll be back to lock up."

He walked into the back and stripped out his white's which were pretty rank. He hadn't noticed how hot he had gotten during service, he never did. It was all about the food and getting it out, that was his focus. He dropped them into the washing pile along with his cloths. He washed his face and hands in the sink trying to get the film of grease that had settled on his skin off. He wiped down the rest of his torso and pulled a tee-shirt over his head, squirting a bit of deodorant under his arm and across his body. He pulled his jeans on and trainers. He was still a bit warm from service so left his hoodie on his bag.

He took a quick look into the kitchen just before he went out into downstairs and was pleased to see the team setting about the cutlery, laughing and joking with each other while Connor swept the floor joining in with the odd comment here and there which had the others turning and laughing with him.

Sam was cleaning down just ahead of him when he came out.

"When the cutlery is done Jess, Michael and Lyndsey can get off home. Connor once the floor is mopped. Richard and Maggie when you're finished with them. I'll not be long but if you're ready to go just come and get me." He stated.

"Sure." Sam replied and continued on wiping. "I'll get the tables moved before I go." He went to open his mouth and protest. "I'll borrow Michael and Connor." She added. "I won't be lifting."

"See you in a bit." He approached the door, set his shoulders and walked through.

It was busy and Callum was behind the bar serving with Tatiana and Ravi, they all look pretty pushed, so he goes behind the bar and pulls a bottle of larger from the fridge lifting it to show Ravi he has it, Ravi nods in reply and turns back around.

He settles a little. He's had a good night, he will not let anything spoil it.

"Steven." Mr Barnet calls to him and he walks over a pit forming as he see's Brendan and Dean standing in the job with Tony and Fred, there are another two that he doesn't know. He joins them putting Tony on his right and Fred on his left.

"Steven this is Rick my middle son and William who is a close associate." He shakes hands with them as they offer.

"Dean mentioned you used to know Brendan." Mr Barnet states.

He smiles tightly. He's not going to give himself away. He doesn't know what Mr Barnet knows, doesn't know what Brendan has said, doesn't know what Dean knows so he's not going to give them anything unless he has to. He knows that Tony won't drop him in it if he possibly can help it. It's fine. He can do this. Have a drink in his bar with the love of his life and said lovers toy boy because he is moving forward and he's not going to slip back.

"I used to work for him." He replies.

"And how was working _under_ Brendan?" Dean asked and there's spite in his tone. He knows what he's implying but he's not rising to it. He's better than that.

"Brendan was a good boss."

"This was when I was running Chez Chez with my sister." Brendan adds.

"A long time ago indeed." Mr Barnet states. "Come a long way since then."

"Yeah. I have." And he can't help but emphasise that.

"So from working in a night club to having two restaurants and a bar. I'm impressed." Mr Barnet nods.

"Have to wonder how you managed that." Dean states and he sees Brendan shift uncomfortably.

"Well I used to work with Tony before I worked for Brendan. I've always loved cooking and he taught me loads. I had a deli for a while and when Tony offered me to come into business with him, get back to proper cooking, I jumped at the chance, it's just grown from there." How to put his work life in a nutshell without any of the complications.

"I was wondering about the name, SALLT." William states and hes under the spotlight still but he's out of Dean's glaring.

"It's a mix of names of people very close to me, Laura Ellington came up with it." He wonders if name dropping Laura will change subject.

"Now there's a clever girl, shame she's no longer involved with Robert, she was certainly more effective than Rory will ever be." William says with a wistful look. "There's a woman who can grab a snake by the head and cut off its body."

"Didn't she nearly cut your balls off?" Fred laughs a little.

"With a blunt craving knife no less." William is full of admiration, there's no bitterness.

"Those were the days." Mr Barnet states smiling. "Excuse me." He lifts his empty wine glass and heads to the bar.

His departure gives Ste the chance to excuse himself to the toilet. He goes into the stalls and sits letting himself breathe for a few moments. He can do it. He can stand there and answer questions under Dean's glare and he can hold it together with Brendan in the room. He flushes even he hasn't used the toilet and steps out to find Dean leaning against the sink.

"Nice. I really liked the distraction technique but how was it really working under Brendan?"

Amazing, bone achingly good. A heady mix of lust, love and passion that left his body crying out for more, an unending hunger for Brendan's touch, his praise, his love. Unquenchable thirst to see Brendan fucked out and satisfied, knowing that it was him, his body that had done that to him.

"Alright." He replied.

"Really because it's better than I ever thought sex could be for me. Having that dick pounding my arse, really Ste did you think Brendan would ever be interested in you when he's got me. He says he's never come so hard, says my arse is the best he's ever had. Can't keep his hands off me."

He swallow the hurt that brings because it he knows that Dean's just trying to get to him and he's not going to let him. He's not going to react because he doesn't want to give him what he wants.

"Good for you." He replies. "You've got him Dean."

"Yeah I do, so stop looking at him like that." Dean steps into his face.

"Like what?" Because he's barely looked in Brendan's direction, consciously looked at anyone but him.

"Like you want him to bend you over the nearest table and fuck you raw because it's never going to happen. He's got me now. He knows how good it can be."

"Right that's me told." He goes to move around him and back into the bar.

"You better stay the hell away from him."

"No problem." He replied. "Are you going to let me past?"

Dean gives him a glare but steps aside.

As soon as he's in the bar he lets out a breath and closes his eyes then walks back across to retrieve his drink.

"Steven." Brendan's at his shoulder as he picks it up. Tony has disappeared and he wonders if Sam was finished and Tony's gone through to lock up.

"You're boy toy put me straight so you best back off before he comes back out." He grinds out. "I don't want a scene." He moves away to the bar.

Callum looks up and goes to the fridge to get him another larger.

"What did Dean say to you?" Brendan's at his shoulder again.

"That he's the best you've ever had and he's all you want." He takes a deep mouthful from his bottle.

"Steven we need to talk." Brendan pleading a little. "I need to explain."

"Not the time Brady." Callum states and gives a pointed look towards the bathroom. Dean standing there with a face like thunder. "Go defuse your boy." Brendan walks away. "Ste I would go next door."

"Why should I?" His stubbornness is kicking in.

"Because we don't want him kicking off and you don't want your personal life all over this bar."

He makes a good point. He decides to go back through because he doesn't want to drama. He can hear tables being moved upstairs so he walks up the spiral stair case and finds Tony, Connor and Michael moving tables while Sam directs them.

He hears the door crash downstairs.

"Where is he?" Dean demands.

"Dean stop it." Brendan states and his voice is ice cold. "Leave Steven alone."

"I'm right here." He leans over the railing.

"You fucking bastard!" Dean shouts and he's going for the spiral staircase but Brendan's blocking him.

"Dean, leave it." Brendan pushes him back.

"You said you were going to leave him alone!" Dean roars and he's back pushing against Brendan.

"You said you were all he wanted so what's the problem?" He asks smirking a little that Dean's losing it.

"I saw you at the bar!"

"Might want to talk to Brendan about that." He states.

"Steven you are not helping." Brendan growls.

"Oh so you want me to help… And what do I owe you Brendan? Yeah if I remember right nothing."

"Ste." Tony's hand is on his shoulder.

"I'm going to fucking kill you!" Dean screams.

"It was me who went to speak to him." Brendan has Dean by the shoulders. "I just wanted to talk to him."

"Why?!"

"I just wanted to make sure Ireland was behind us. That it was all sorted. That Steven knew the score."

It's not sorted by a long way but it's as sorted as he needs it to be and he definatly knows the score.

"Now come on. Steven knows that I'm with you now and he's fine with that."

He snorted but Tony gripped his shoulder a little harder so he doesn't say anything.

"Fred will be looking for you. Go on." Brendan pushes Dean towards the door. And Dean gives him a glare before doing as he's told.

"Thanks for that Steven." Brendan looks up at him.

"Always a pleasure Brendan. You have a good night." He smirks and turns back to the others who are all looking uncomfortable. "Come on I'll give you a hand."

"Ste." Tony starts.

"It's fine Tony come on I'm sure you lot all want to go home."

They manage to get all the tables back in the correct places quite quickly. Tony offers him a lift home and he waits in Tony's car while he locks up and checks in with Callum to tell them they're going.

He's half asleep by the time Tony shuts his door and he jerks up. He's crashing, the rush of adrenaline from service the talk with Mr Barnet and Dean throwing a tantrum, he needs a shower and some sleep.

"You never said Brendan was out." Tony stated as he pulled his seat belt on.

"Didn't think he'd be around, I thought he was living in Ireland turns out that he lives in Chester." He sighed and let his head fall back against the head rest.

"I thought he got thirty years?"

He shrugs.

"I never found out his sentence." He replies. "Didn't seem to matter at the time. Doesn't matter now."

"But after everything you put yourself through… I thought you… You should have told me."

"Yeah. Sorry we've just been so busy and well like I said it didn't seem to matter and it doesn't now. He's out, he lives in Chester with Mr Barnet's son."

"Still…"

"It's over between us Tony it has been for nine years I just didn't know it until I went to Ireland."

Tony shakes his head a little.

"What?"

"You and Brendan will never be over Ste. Not the way you still look at each other. Take it from me what you had doesn't just disappear. If Jacqui turned up tomorrow I'd still take her back."

"Yeah well Brendan turned back up with a boyfriend and has made it clear that Dean is who he wants so forgive me for pushing forward and not looking back. He's taken enough from me."

"You still love him." Tony states.

"Yeah but it doesn't matter because I can live with it."

"Who'd have thought it?" Tony smiles. "Ste Hay older and wiser… You know I'm so proud of you."

He gives Tony a confused look.

"I thought for a while you were too lost to find again but here you are, bigger, braver and stronger than I've ever known you… It just makes me happy and proud. I couldn't wish for a better business partner."

He tries not to blush but he won't suppress the warmth in his chest.

"Yeah I think we're doing alright. Tonight was good."

"We've built a great team. I think we should get that other chef in for the Tapas bar now the bistro's running, we could expand the menu."

"We're doing well enough during the day but it's become a bit of a wine buffs bar at night more than a tapas bar. People are getting appetizers and everything on the bar is going down well but I think with Callum's wine list it might lose us customers if we're suddenly very heavy on the food side. I think if we can get Jess to take on more responsibility she'd be able to cope with doing that side. She really likes that side of the kitchen when she's doing it from what I can see although Ravi is doing really well too. We could get Connor started as a commie if he wants to because he's doing dead well when I use him as a commie and he enjoys it."

"Then we'll need another KP." He knew that Tony liked Connor as a Kitchen Porter because he was so organised and worked so hard.

"Plenty of students about looking for something." He replied.

"So move Jess to official chef de partie." Tony pursed his lips then nodded. "I'm sure she'll want the hours at the very least never mind the money."

"Did Sam speak to you?" He asked as they approached the flat.

"Yeah. I agree I don't want to lose her either but… No. It matters but we'll just have to cope with the maternity leave pay and the knock on with hiring someone else. I think we should bring in another junior waiter and move Maggie closer to Sam so she can take over."

He liked that idea. Maggie was stable and solid she possibly wasn't as formal or as unflappable as Sam but she would be able to get used to the pressure.

He nodded.

"Right I've got the morning shift at SALLT and you're at Ill Nosh so I'll talk to you after I've spoken to Jess and Connor. Connor's not in until the evening service so that might be the day after."

"Okay. See you later." He got out the car and pulled his hoodie on before picking up his bag before shutting the car door.

He walked up to the flat and turned the key but it was already open. He panicked for a moment then panicked a bit more. Shit what if he'd been robbed. That was all he needed. He sighed and pushed the door open flicking on the light.

Nothing looked out of place in the corridor. Then he turned a little and saw him. Leaning against the far counter with a glass of whiskey in hand.

"I should call the police get you done for breaking and entering. With your record you'd get time." He stated and threw his bag onto the sofa.

"I've still got a key." Brendan replied. "You should have changed you locks."

"Shouldn't you be playing with your twinky toy?" He asked. "In fact don't answer that. What are you doing here?"

"I said we need to talk." Brendan stated. "And since tonight's the first time you haven't flown off the handle I thought that maybe it would be a good night to try."

"Well you'd be wrong. Get out." He replied with as much venom as he possibly could.

"I need to explain…"

He puts an iron grip on his temper because he's too tired for this shit and all he wants is Brendan gone.

"Brendan. I don't care. Now get out of my home."

"Why won't you just listen?" Brendan asked temper rising.

"Because Brendan I don't want to hear anything you have to say. What can you possibly say that will make the last nine years of my life worth it?"

"I did come for you." Brendan stated then takes a deep mouthful of whiskey. "I came for you."

"Yeah don't remember that now if you're quite done."

"Steven I came for you and you were with someone else."

That jams a knife down hard in his gut. His biggest fear when he'd got with Jamie and it had happened.

"Out Brendan." He doesn't need the guilt trip. He's not going to feel guilty for being with Jamie because he never gave Jamie everything and he would never chose Jamie over Brendan the way Brendan had chosen Dean over him.

"I came to see you and he answered the door."

He closes his eyes and rocks forward, leaning against the kitchen table.

"Get out."

"You know what he said?"

"No and I don't want you to tell me. Get out of my home Brendan."

"He said that you were with him, that he was going to ask you to marry him. That you'd say yes."

He sat himself down before he fell down and leaned against his arms on the table.

"He said you'd been through so much together that nothing could get between you and that I… That you wouldn't want me after all the pain I'd caused you. That I didn't deserve you for what I'd done… That you were better off without me anywhere near you and I knew he was right."

He banged his head on the table. The anger spiked.

"You didn't bother to come and ask me though did you? You know what if you wanted me you would have told me that you were out. You would have come to _me_. Fuck what Jamie said. Truth is you didn't want me or you would have asked me. No Brendan you fucking didn't bother did you so you think I'm going to blame Jamie for all this? He may have played a part but you know what Brendan it was still you who didn't want me."

"I do want you!"

"Yeah sounds like it. Now it's late and I'm tired so just leave me alone."

"I want you Steven."

"So much you told Dean I threw myself at you? Or tonight when you said you were just checking that I knew where I stood? Yeah Brendan spin me another one."

"You've got understand about Dean…"

"What that he's the best fuck you've ever had? No Brendan I don't have to listen, I don't have to understand. Now get out."

"Dean's…"

"Out!" He shouted. "Get out of my flat and out of my life!"

"Steven…"

"Get out!"

"No. I'm not going anywhere until you listen to me."

He took a deep shuddering breath.

"Brendan, I don't want you here. I can't do this so can you please just leave me alone."

Brendan's closer than he realised and he puts his hands on his shoulders.

"Look at me." Brendan insists.

And he can't. He can't look because he's not going to show Brendan how much pain he's in. Jamie should have told him.

"Steven look at me." Brendan's coaxing him. And it doesn't matter how much he's screaming at himself not to he has to.

"I'm sorry."

He can feel the barriers creaking.

"I'm so sorry Steven. I never meant for any of this."

He pushes him away. He doesn't get to get away with this. He doesn't get to say sorry like it will make everything alright.

"Yeah well it's good you're sorry because I never asked for any of this. I didn't deserve any of it. Now get the fuck out."

Brendan looks at him and he sees his face soften and he looks hurt.

"I'm going but we're not done. I need you to hear me out." Brendan sighs. "I never meant to hurt you Steven."

"You never mean to but you still do." He replied.

He sees Brendan's shoulders sag then he turns. But he can't watch Brendan leave. He hears the door go and leans back against the kitchen wall he lets himself slide down until he's sitting. He looks up down towards the door. He stretches his neck and reins himself in. It feels like he's spread across the kitchen floor, but that's what Brendan always does to him. Seems to just flay him without seeing that that is what he's doing.

He taps his head back against the wall trying to get himself back on track. Trying to get himself back on with getting himself into the shower and to bed. Knowing that he has to get some sleep or he'll be useless tomorrow but somehow he can't drag himself up. He just sits looking at the door. His mind spinning with what if's and maybe's that aren't going to change anything but he can't stop them, it's like they're on repeat.

What if he'd been in? What if he'd come back early? What if Jamie had told him?

The why Jamie hadn't told him was fairly easy to work out because Jamie knew that he'd go with Brendan in a heartbeat. Knew that whatever they had wasn't enough for him to choose Jamie.

Why hadn't he told him after though?

Then again his parents had just been killed.

Maybe it was revenge, he couldn't really blame him. Five years he had stolen of Jamie's life.

It would have been too late anyway. Brendan would have still been with Dean.

Why hadn't Brendan come back and asked him? Why had he taken the word of his boyfriend? Why couldn't he have just been in?

All the scenario's flash in front of him.

However they are just if's, but's and maybe's because none of them happened and nothing can change what did happen.

He can't change the past. He repeats it like a mantra. It doesn't matter how much he wants to because he can't.

"I can't change the past." He said to himself because hearing it out loud made it feel more real. Made it sink in deeper.

He taps his head again a little harder and it's enough to trigger his body into action. He pushes himself to his feet and forces himself to get up.

He knocks back the whiskey that Brendan had left and goes to get the shower he needs because he needs to get on with the life he has now. He can't change the past and get the life he wants. He has to live with what he has, or doesn't. He has to keep pushing forward.


	44. Chapter 44

Thank you for your reviews.

Sorry for the lack of updates but I've had a mass of indecision about this chapter. I've re-written it 5 times. This is the 5th attempt. I wanted to push on but I felt that I needed a tiny bit of resolution before I could, which is why I scrapped the previous 4 attempts. The pushing on with the plot kind of made what I had written jump quite badly so I went for a bit of a settling down chapter, basically I'm getting my ducks in a row again.

* * *

He felt like a zombie. Like his body was there but his mind wasn't. He had tried to sleep but his mind had been running on overdrive and by the time he had calmed himself down enough to relax his alarm had gone off.

Harry had long since given up on asking him anything. Jenny was bypassing him and going straight to Harry with orders. He had stepped off the pass as soon as Harry had arrived, knowing he wasn't up to running the morning tickets.

"You look like hammered shit." Laura stated shocking him. He must have blanked out, which seemed to be par for the course.

He looked at her ragged appearance and dark circles under her eyes.

"So do you."

"Yeah but I spent my weekend convincing a drug dependant patient life was worth living without drugs, what's your excuse?"

"Long story." He muttered. "Let me get you a coffee."

"Do you do it on an intravenous drip with a bucket of sugar?" She asked hopefully.

"No, but we do it strong and sugar is provided."

"Good enough." She wondered over to what was unofficially their table in the far corner.

"Harry I'm taking a break." He stated and the look of relief on Harry's face was enough to tell him that he was well short of even anywhere near his usual standards.

He made himself a coffee and Laura a stronger coffee nodded in her direction to Jenny to let her know that was where he was going.

He placed the cup in front of Laura and sat down watching in fascination as she piled the spoon high and put three in before stirring, she tasted it and put another in before taking a mouthful. She closed her eyes for a moment.

"So this long story. I take it the Barnet party was interesting?"

He told her about Dean.

"Maybe he feels threatened by you." She stated. "But you are going to have to keep under his radar. Daddy dearest has just risen up the ranks and is throwing his weight around. Dean will be feeling like he can get away with anything. He'll come back to Earth in a while but for the time being he's in a good position to make things very difficult for you."

"What do you mean?" He asked. "He's kicking off for nothing. Brendan just talked to me. Came to my flat later but…"

"Did you talk to him?"

"He told me that he came for me but Jamie told him that I was with him and we were going to get married."

"Fuck." She breathes.

"Yep. So he came for me and I was with someone else so he decides that it's not worth asking me."

"Jamie though." She frowned. "I didn't think he would do that."

"Well he did." He replied firmly.

"So what else did Brendan have to say?"

"Not a lot. He said sorry although to be honest I think he just said it because he thought it was an easy way to get to me."

"You don't think he meant it?"

"Does it matter?" He had asked himself the same question as he had been staring up at the ceiling. "He properly still sorry that I found out he was out."

"A little harsh."

"Laura the man said I throw myself at him to keep Dean, words are meaningless from him. He only came to see me to make himself feel better. He's just like Cheryl. They fucked up my life, fucked it up more than it already was and then they expect me to forgive them like nothing happened. It's not how this should work."

"How should it work then?" She asked looking genuinely curious.

His phone rang and he frown as he read the caller ID.

"Leah?"

He only caught half of what she was saying although the basic gist seemed to be that Amy and her had been arguing and Leah thought Amy was being unreasonable not letting her go to a friends party.

"Is your mam there?" He asked because there was no way he was being played and getting dropped in it by Leah with Amy.

"I'm at Nina's." Leah replied. "She won't listen. Just because she got knocked up…"

"Leah!" He couldn't help but exclaim.

"Well it's the truth isn't it."

"She thinks I'm just like her but I'm not stupid Dad."

"Leah you are fourteen years old don't talk about your mam like that."

"I'm nearly fifteen." She sulked.

"Leah." He warned.

"It's not fair everyone else is going." She complained. "Will you talk to her? Tell her that you'd let me go."

"Leah if your mam says no then so do I."

"But Dad." She whined.

"But nothing Leah. If you want to go work it out with your mam, sit down and talk to her and come to some arrangement."

"But she doesn't listen she just said no."

"Did she say why you couldn't go?" He asked because he knows that Amy wouldn't say no for no good reason.

"No."

"Leah…" He sighed.

"It's on the other side of town and she said that she wouldn't pick me up, she doesn't even need to Alan's brother drives so he'd drop me off in the morning."

He understands exactly why Amy wouldn't let her go. He doesn't like the sound of it either.

"Talk to her again but whatever she decides she's your mam and you listen to her." He not in any position over rule Amy and he wouldn't anyway but he doesn't want to push her away.

"Bye Dad." Which sounds like 'thanks for nothing Dad' to his ears but she's hung up before he can reply.

"That right there is why I would never want kids." Laura smiles.

"She doesn't know how easy she's got it." He grumbles a little. He remembers what his life was like at that age and he thanks everything in the universe every day that his daughter doesn't have to know what that life is like.

Laura nods in agreement. And he remembers that when she was around Leah's age her mother was dying.

He's so glad that Leah and Lucas don't have the problems he or Amy faced growing up. He'd done everything in his power to make sure they never knew what those problems even were although maybe Leah could do with a shock to her system. He thinks back and he knows that it wouldn't have stopped him acting up.

He sees Jenny trying to get his attention and he looks in the direction she nodding in and he sees Harry nearly tearing his hair out. He frowns and looks around, there aren't that many people in, it's busy but more than manageable.

"I'll catch you later." He states and wonders over to the kitchen hoping by the time he gets there Harry has it sorted but he doesn't.

The tickets are all over the place. He takes one look and calls Jenny over to sort out who was in first then proceeds to get Harry started on the first table while he puts the rest in order.

They're running late and he has to get Jenny to passify a few tables while he gets everything flowing again taking on tables by himself while Harry struggles.

It's the one thing he can't help Harry with. He can't make him pick himself back up. When it gets on top of him and he has to bail him out Harry's off for the rest of the service and nothing he says can get him believing in himself again. If he stays on top of everything then he's on top form the entire service.

It goes quiet after lunch and he gets chance to work out the board for the week ahead, the adrenaline rush from sorting out Harry's mess is fading and he has to have a coffee to pick himself up enough to work out which specials he's going to use, Marc had given him two, Tony one, Harry one and he was going to use one from a few weeks ago that had gone down well.

As soon as he has the board sorted out he turns his attention to ordering what he needs.

The evening service is slow and the night drags. He's looking forward to a rare early night but there a couple in the far corner that are taking forever to finish their coffee's but eventually they go but not until Joe and himself have completely cleaned down the kitchen and Lori has every table set up for the next day and the floor brushed and mopped.

He lets Lori do the till and he transfers the money into the safe for Tony to take to the bank the next morning.

He gets home to find the door unlocked again. He sighs and walks inside.

"What do you want now?" He asks as he shuts the door.

It's quiet inside the flat and he does a double take when he sees Brendan sitting asleep on the sofa. There's a box, his box at his feet and a bottle of empty whiskey on the coffee table. He walks closer. The box is open, there's a letter on Brendan's lap, others on the floor in piles.

He finds himself fascinated by Brendan, like he always is, was, is. He looks so much more touchable when he's asleep and his walls are down. The Brendan Brady show isn't on. It's just Brendan. None of the lies, the manipulations, the control, the confidence, it's just Brendan and all of his vulnerability.

He's asleep in his flat like nothing happened, like it's years ago and he's just put the kids to bed and come through to find him in the that same position only years ago he would have sat next to him and channel hopped until Brendan woke up and wrapped an arm around him, pulled him close and made him settle in his arms, like that was all he needed to be happy. Like he was enough to make him happy.

He mentally kicks himself hard.

"Hoy!" He nudges him, and Brendan flings his arms around a bit caught off guard.

"Want to explain what you're doing here?"

"Steven." The slur tells him that Brendan's had more than enough to drink.

He watches as he coughs and seems to come back to himself a bit.

"Steven." It's stronger and clearer. He's flustered though and he struggles to remember the last time he had ever seen Brendan Brady flustered. "I was…"

He waits expectantly.

"You were what?"

"I'm going." He picks up the letter and puts it in the box.

"Take them." He states. "They're yours anyway."

Brendan looks at him, straight in the eye.

"I didn't know how hard it was for you."

Hard doesn't even come close.

"You were expecting sugar houses and candy canes?" He replied bitterly. "Like I said they're yours you may as well read them now since you didn't then."

"I couldn't." Brendan replies harshly. "I couldn't think about you…"

"Time you left." He cuts him off.

"It wasn't like that. I just couldn't think about you out here… It was… I couldn't bare to read you'd moved on."

"I didn't though." He replied. "Never thought of that did you?"

"What about this…?" He struggling for a name.

"Jamie?" He shakes his head. "Out Brendan."

"You didn't marry him." The 'why not?' is left unsaid.

"He never asked."

Brendan frowns heavily.

"He said…"

He nods and sighs.

"But he knew that I was in love with you. That I was waiting on you to come and get me. How sick in the head am I? I put all my hope on you and I let someone who never did anything but love me go. He may not have told me that you'd come but given the shit I put him through… Won't Dean be wondering where you are?" He asks bitterly.

Brendan looks at him for the longest moment like he's going to tell him something then changes his mind.

"Can I keep this?" Brendan asks quietly holding up a letter. He catches his pleading message on the envelope and knows exactly which letter it is.

"Like I said it's yours anyway." There's nothing written in those letters that Brendan wasn't meant to read so he's not even going to try and hide from what he wrote.

"I do love you." Brendan said firmly. Like he believed it. Like he wants Ste to believe him.

"A few months ago that would have been enough, not now." Not now he knows that Brendan has chosen someone else.

"Steven…"

"Go home Brendan." He states firmly.

Brendan stands unsteadily but finds his balance.

"One more thing." Its stops Brendan in his tracks. He reaches into the box and pulls out Brendan's leather jacket. "You should have this back."

Brendan stares at the jacket, then at him. Then nods solemnly taking it from his outstretched hand.

"Brendan." He turns to face him. "I want my key."

Brendan comes closer than he needs to as he places the key in his palm. He folds Ste's fingers around in and leans in close kissing him on the cheek.

"I do love you." He says again sadly.

His actions don't back up his words.

He doesn't know what love is.

"Go home."

* * *

For reference the letter Brendan asks to take is the one from Chapter 11.


	45. Chapter 45

Thank you for taking the time to review and continuing to read.

Still getting my ducks in a row...

* * *

"What are you doing on Friday night?" Laura asked. Smiling brightly.

"Working." He frowned wondering why she even bothered to ask him when she already knew the answer.

"How hard would it be to get a night off?"

He wonders a little what she's up to because she very excited about something in a way she hasn't been for a while. It's nice to see but it gives him the feeling that she's up to something.

"I'd have to swap shifts. Why?"

"Because as of Friday Callum no longer works for Mr Arthur. He is free and clear, or as free and clear as he can get so I thought we could have a night on the town."

He sighed with relief. Finally he could stop worrying about Callum bringing shit down on them. Finally he was getting out from under Mr Arthur and would be able to concentrate fully on running the bar.

"You, me and Callum?" He hadn't been on a night out with Laura and Callum since he and Jamie had split and the idea of playing gooseberry wasn't one he thought was worth switching his shifts for.

"No, me and you." Laura stated as though it was obvious. "Callum's got to be at Cobra to officially hand off, there's this big party so I thought that you and me could go somewhere else."

He looks at her frowning a little.

"Mr Arthur has invited a boat load of people to give Callum a send-off. I don't want to be there so I need a valid excuse not to be there."

"So now I'm an excuse." He huffed for effect more than anything.

"No. Look you haven't been out in…" She thinks. "At least four months, as soon as Callum mentioned the party it kind of hit me that we haven't had a big night out in ages and I just thought why not?"

"And the added bonus is that you have an alibi." He quite likes the idea of a night out, a chance to get drunk and have a laugh.

"Yeah, but it was more I really want a night out and I'd rather go out drinking with you than have to be dragged around on Callum's arm all night."

She isn't the being dragged around type.

"My Dad is going to be there so if I'm not attached to Callum's arm he'll liking take it off. It's for his protection. If I leave him high and dry without a date then Dad will be happy because he knows that I'm not Callum's bitch." She replied quickly. "You game?"

He thinks about it for half a second.

"Yeah I'm in." He needed a bit of fun since long before Ireland. Now the idea was in his head he wanted it.

"Great."

"I'll see if I can switch my shifts around a bit." It wasn't a guaranteed. "I'll ask Marc."

Marc wants two afternoon's in return for the one night which he tries to get down to one because otherwise he's going to be working a week straight but Marc won't budge on the basis that it's short notice and it is really so he has to take it.

He works all but one of every shift available on the lead up to Friday. The one he misses is in lunch at Ill Nosh which was part of his split day so he was up early and home late anyway.

He has a word with Tony about the staffing again because he isn't getting enough free time, not that he has anything to fill it with but it would be nice if his day started after 6am at least twice a week. The only let up he has at the moment it Sunday and even then it's a 9am start after the latest finish of Saturday night.

Tony say he'll work on the rota again but it's Harry that's the sticking point. He wants to give Harry the chance to sink or swim and he's happy to give Lori a set of keys to do the opening up, he'd have preferred Jenny but with her kid she needed to do the school run. He's mainly worried that if Harry gets the opportunity and sinks that he won't be able to build him back up enough for him to try again. He has all the talent in the world but he's not sure that Harry is cut out for being able to lead instead of following even though he knows that he wants it.

Sometimes when you get what you want you find that it isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

He picks out his nicest jeans, a shirt Leah had given him of Christmas which was black with blue detailing around the button holes, gels his hair a little a picks out a pair of dress shoes. He pulls his grey suit jacket out of the wardrobe and slides it on. He checks himself out in the mirror and apart from looking a bit tired which he sure he can get to fade after a couple of vodka red-bulls.

He hears a knock and the door and he wonders why Laura even bothers knocking instead of just walking in but no matter how many times he tells her she still knocks.

"Ready?" She asks.

He looks at her dress and frowns it's a lot more upmarket than where they were planning on going.

"Aren't you a bit overdressed?" He frowns.

"Yeah but I've got to drop in on Cobra late on so…" She shrugs.

"I thought you weren't going."

"I wasn't but I want to be there to see Callum's face when he hands over, all he's done all day is moan so I thought I should show my support by taking a picture." She smiles.

He rolls his eyes and shakes his head at her.

"I might make into a Christmas card of something, maybe frame it and put it on the wall in Stellarto."

"You're evil."

"You haven't had to put up with his bitching. It's like he thinks this party is Mr Arthur's public humiliation instead of a thank you."

They head out to catch the bus into Chester.

"I finally found an office." She states as they sit waiting. "I'm getting someone in to paint it because I can't find the time."

Its a few streets across from SALLT, just away from the centre.

"Karl wants me to increase my work load at the clinic."

"Again?" He asks because unless she's away giving lectures she seems to be spending the rest of her life in that place.

"Yeah, it's more on the staff training side because I've been having quite good success. He wants me to work with some of the newer nurses and some of the placement guys and get them." There's something in her tone that isn't quite right, she not as excited as he thought she would be. The opportunity to pass on some of her skills to the next, well not the next generation but the new people the ones that would eventually be taking her place in a long, long time. Like he was excited about training up KP's to commies and commies to chef de parties.

"Is that what you want?"

"I do but at the same time…" She sighs. "The more time I'm training these lot up the less time I spent actually working with clients, patients." She corrects herself. "I just get the feeling that with Anna pretty unhappy Karl's looking at possibility that if she leaves then he could get me to do her job but I'm not admin. I don't want to run all the reviews and sit in an office rarely ever actually seeing who I'm making decisions for. It just doesn't sit right."

"Better money though." He states, although he's fairly sure that Laura's pretty well off.

"I don't do it for the money." She replied. "If I wanted the money then I'd go to Manchester and take the Counselling lecturer's job that I've been offered."

"When was this?"

"Couple of weeks ago. I'm not going. It's not what I want to do." They get on the bus and sit in the middle. "I want to build my client list up again, get back to long term work… I was dithering on the office."

He knows she was because he's never seen her take that much time over a decision in all the time he's known her.

They start their night in a pub off the main run. He starts with a double vodka red bull and Laura starts with a snakebite.

They find a table off to the side and indulge in one of their favoured past times since they were both so good at it although he still couldn't get the stories he gave the person to the same level as Laura.

"Married with two kids, recently separated but still hung up on his wife which is why his date looks close to topping herself with boredom. He's properly only talked about his ex and his kids all night." Laura said pointing to a bloke at the bar with his wallet out pointing to something inside. The woman a middle aged, pretty and well dressed, too well dressed for the bloke she's sitting with.

"Didn't make an effort did he."

She shakes her head.

"You're getting checked out." He states. "Bloke far side of the bar, looks a bit of a tool. Loves himself."

She looks subtly in that direction, purses her lips a little.

"He's checking you out." She replied. "What do you want to drink?"

"Same again." He frowns because he doesn't need another just yet.

"Watch." She stated and headed to the bar.

Sure enough the tool's eyes stay on him. He rolls his eyes and waits for Laura to return.

"One nil." She puts his drink down in front of him.

The tool decides to walk over and Laura looks down into her glass smiling.

"Hello there." The tool smiles and slides into the seat next to him. "I'm Ben and you're gorgeous."

"That right?" He replied trying to send clear signs that he is in no way shape or form interested in someone who is anywhere near that slimy or arrogant.

"Absolutely." Ben looks at Laura then whispers in his ear. "How about you drop your friend and come into the back with me?"

He snorts to himself then decides to have a little fun since he's had such a shit couple of months, years.

"You'd really want to do that? With me?" He tries to sound flattered and innocent.

"Baby you've got no idea what I could do to you."

He looks up through his lashes and see's Ben's eyes darken.

"Would you give it to me hard?"

"Baby I'd break you."

He looks at the blokes crotch, with a considering expression on his face before he smiles at him.

"Not with that cock you wouldn't." He states a little too loudly. "Mate if it's not nine inches I'm not interested and from what I can see that's something you can't provide. So why don't you take yourself back off to wherever you came from and leave me and my friend alone."

Ben gulps but has the good grace to get up and walk away.

Laura chokes a laugh and shakes her head.

"What was he thinking?"

"You know what he was thinking." Laura replies.

And yeah he knows exactly what the bloke was after but he couldn't believe that he suggested that he should go into the back with him.

"Well he thought wrong didn't he?"

"Very wrong." Laura laughs. "I almost felt sorry for him."

"You what?"

"I said almost. Bless him he only wanted to stick his cock…"

"Enough you." He chastises her because he doesn't want her thinking about his sex life even though she properly knows more than she should.

"You off men?" She asks bluntly.

"I'm just not looking." He replied because he wasn't. He knew he was stuck. He had promised Jamie he wouldn't do what he did to him again and him sending Brendan away hasn't changed what he had said being right. It hasn't taken the scar off his heart.

"I don't need anyone to be happy. I finally know that I can live without anyone there. I'm not lonely anymore."

"You haven't got time to be lonely." She replied.

He nods and considers it. If he worked a standard job where he had set hours and he wasn't working everyday then maybe he might change his mind but he knows he wouldn't because he's suffered enough and Brendan may not be within reach but he's in his life again even though he's at the fringe.

"I'm happy with my life." He said because although it's not perfect by any means he has everything he wants except one thing and given the hand he had been dealt that's more than he could have hoped for.

"Good." She smiles. "Are we going to Mason's?"

"I thought you had to go and play the supportive girlfriend."

"Wash your mouth out."

"The supportive friend with benefits then."

"Yeah but I don't want to go really it's full of tossers and to be honest I can't be bothered with the hassle so why don't we go to Mason's and drink cocktails?"

"I think we should go to Cobra." He should go and show Brendan that although he has plenty of hard feelings he's fine and he's not in bits over him. He knows that he was in deeper than Brendan was but he's adult enough to be able to wish him well in his new venture.

"Since you're not going to be supportive I should be there to support my business partner." He states. "Come on."

"I suppose I can get bladdered at Mr Arthurs expense." He glances her way. "Free bar in the VIP."

Outside the line to Cobra is even longer than usual but as per whenever he goes Laura gets them straight in without waiting, which is possibly the reason he only ever goes to Cobra when Laura's there.

The VIP area is packed out with suspicious looking blokes and scantily clad women. There are a few more respectable looking women hanging off well-dressed powerful looking blokes.

They get to the bar and the waitress mixes the house cocktails that Laura orders. It's stronger than he remembers it being. Or maybe months off the drink because he hasn't had time for a hangover have made him a light weight.

"You said you wouldn't be here." Callum says as he wraps his arms around Laura's waste and beams at Ste over her shoulder.

"Well Ste thought that I was being a bitch not being here." She replies and gently but firmly removes his arms glancing around. "Dad gone?" She asks.

"Decided to call it an early night." Callum stats and Laura relaxes a little.

"Small mercies." She smiles and something catches her eye. "Is that David Morris?"

"Yeah he's working for Barnet now."

He frowns. He doesn't like it when their conversation goes over his head.

"Who's that?"

"Morris used to work for Shane." Callum replies. "He's not going to say anything."

"Why would he? There's nothing to say." Laura snaps. He sees her force herself to relax and he knows that Morris has something to do with the night Shane nearly raped her.

"The great and the good are looking for you." She adds and gestures around. "We're going to the dance floor."

The DJ is excellent. He's never been in Cobra when there's a bad set playing. He attracts the attention of a couple of blokes and he's happy to dance with them but that's it he's not going any further. Laura's dancing with a couple of different blokes and he catches Callum's eyes on her more than once.

The music is shut down suddenly.

The lights above the DJ booth to the side of the dance floor are raised. He can see Callum, Mr Arthur and Brendan all standing together.

"Ladies and gentlemen. Tonight is the night that I say goodbye to a long serving colleague of mine who has served me and this club well under his excellent management but with Mr Callum Taylor deciding that he would like a new direction I have the honour of introducing Cobra's new manager Mr Brendan Brady."

Brendan and Callum shake hands and Laura pulls out her phone to take a picture. Sure enough there is a tension in Callum's features. He really is hating every second of being up there shaking Brendan's hand.

He sees Brendan looking around the club and their eyes meet. Brendan looks startled then Mr Arthur is shaking his hand and the moment passes.

The lights are turned down again and the music raised slightly though not back up to the level it was. He watches and Callum steps down off out of the booth and heads straight to the bar.

Mr Arthur and Brendan are talking.

The music is raised again and a bloke that he's been dancing with pulls him back into dancing. It only lasts another two songs then he steps back to the bar and stands alongside Callum who is looking like he's drowning his sorrows.

"Least you've got your own bar to run now." He states.

Callum shakes his head then smiles at him.

"I'm just going to miss this place."

"You're just going to miss being the swanning around pretending to be working." Laura says and kisses Callum on the cheek. She gestures to the bar to try and get some attention.

"Callum." Brendan is behind the bar. He allows himself a second to think how natural Brendan looks there. "Laura. Steven. What's your poison?"

"I'm done." He states because he has a shift in the morning and he doesn't want to be any more hung-over than he knows he's going to be.

"Far too sensible." Laura smiles. "Just a tequila for me, lemon and salt."

"You know what I'm join you on that." He changes his mind.

"Make it three." Callum said and Brendan turns away to fetch their drinks which he does with all the efficiency he used to have.

"A toast to new beginnings." Callum stated. "Not joining us?" He asked Brendan. "You've got a new beginning too."

Brendan turns and pours himself a whiskey.

He looks Brendan straight in the eye.

"New beginnings." He states firmly. He can't send a clearer message. He's done torturing himself over a man who never wanted him as much as he wanted him. Who never loved him as much as he loves him.

Brendan pauses for a second as they all drink then smiles a little bitterly and knocks back his whiskey.

"This looks cosy." Dean is behind the bar wrapping an arm around Brendan's waist in an aggressive move that screams insecurity. Like he's threatened by their presence. Or maybe it's just his but he doesn't understand it because Brendan has been so clear with Dean on wanting him, on choosing him that he doesn't get it but then maybe he just wants to make sure that Ste's crystal clear if he wasn't already.

"Just a toast. Callum wishing me well."

"That's kind of him." Dean looks at him, calculating and pulls Brendan into a heavy kiss.

He just wants out of there now. He doesn't need to watch Brendan and Dean so involved with each other. It just confirms that he was an idiot, that he got himself in deeper than he ever should.

Brendan pulls out of the kiss and pushes Dean away slightly. Dean looks upset especially when Brendan turns and looks at him.

"Do you want another drink?" Brendan asks.

"Nah, I can't got an early shift." He replies he can't keep the frown off his face.

"Yeah. I'm calling it a night too." Laura states. "I'll see you later." She says to Callum.

He has to dodge drunk people all the way down the stairs although he's not exactly sober so he's in no position to complain.

"Split a taxi?" Laura asks as the reach street level.

"Hey!" He turns and Dean's barrelling towards him, he manages to dodge the first punch. "I told you to stay away from him!" Dean throws another punch which catches him in the ribs before the bouncers are pulling Dean off and away. "I'll kill you! Get off me! I'm going to fucking kill you!"

"Calm it." The bouncer shouts.

"You alright?" Laura asks concerned.

"I'm fine as long as he stays out of my face."

"He's mine you can't have him!"

"I don't want him!" He shouts.

"Come on." Laura pulls him away from the still struggling Dean who looks ridiculous swinging at the huge bouncer like he's going to get the guy to release him when he's so clearly wound up.

"He's got more than a screw loose." He complains because seriously he was only standing at the bar.

Laura doesn't disagree.

"We shouldn't have come here. I knew he might be here." She shakes her head.

"What so now I can't go where I want because he might be there? No fuck that. He needs to fucking grow up."

"I'm not the enemy here." She replies.

He growls in frustration.

"I should have fucking smacked him." It would have just made him feel better. It wouldn't have solved anything but yeah it would have felt good.

"Come on let's get home."


	46. Chapter 46

Thank you for your reviews. I really appreciate them.

Right, this chapter… To put it bluntly it is a dark twist chapter, I'm a little nervous about it (butterflies in the stomach time again) because I'm not sure it works without the exposition that needs to go with it… It's been quite tough to set up and I realised that it's because I can't explain why, Ste doesn't know the why, until it gets explained, it's the sticking in perspective thing again... The problem of getting Ste to learn the detailed back story of a character that he hasn't had much to do with to make sense of their actions… The detail will be in future chapters.

Slow burner reminder, I know it's frustrating but the answers to some of the big questions are coming up.

Warning: Graphic suicide

Hard M.

* * *

He wakes with a stinking hangover and has to force himself to drink a pint of water before he dares leave the flat.

Morning service was quiet busy enough that he never had to push himself out of second gear, although because it wasn't busy or tricky he found it difficult to concentrate on what he was doing and more time leaning against the counter with his head against his forearms. Sometime around one he starts to feel better which is just in time for the ladies that lunch who are on top form.

He gets changed before heading to SALLT for a busy Saturday night service with most of the tables booked. He walks in to find that Jess is off with flu and Michael is massively behind on the prep. He rings Connor to come in since Lyndsey's on holiday. Marc calls in sick too. And it's going to be a bastard of a night.

Tony's running Ill Nosh and he's not going to tell him about Marc until later, possibly tomorrow because otherwise he'll want an update every hour or so. There's nothing Tony can d to help him out. He's just going to have to be super organised and on top of his game.

"Sam." He calls. "You going to have to stagger for us tonight. We're going to get buried and I'm going to need you to help me out. And I'll need Julie to deal with all the deserts."

"No problem." She replied.

He and Michael do the prep as fast as they possibly can and he pulls Ravi in from Stellarto to help them out who is more than happy to help.

"Door's open Ste."

They're not finished. But Connor's finally in although he's not complaining because he's doing him a favour coming in on his night off.

The manage to stay afloat until around eight and despite Sam's best efforts they do get buried for half an hour and by that time it's like trying to climb a mountain with a hand and a foot missing. It's slow progress until they get out the other side.

"Last table." Sam hands him the ticket and as soon as it's on the pass he sighs but he's buzzing from the adrenaline and working so hard and he can't seem to shift down gear into clearing down. It isn't just him, Michael and Connor are on a adrenaline high as well. It takes them less time than it normally does to get the kitchen cleared. Vic their new KP is still elbow deep in main's plates. But she did well. She had kept the pan sink running slowly. He had always been able to find a pan when he'd needed it and that was the mark of a good KP, putting the kitchen, the chef's ahead of the plates.

He helps with the cutlery for the first time in ages and joins in with the jokes and the story's they have from their last night out. He doesn't mention his own because he's their boss and he doesn't want them to be overly familiar even though it's a fine line.

He helps Sam sort out the tables so she can get away earlier.

He locks up and heads towards the bus stop, he can still make the last bus, he can hear a car close by but doesn't pay much mind to it. But the engine is getting louder. He glances over his shoulder just as it pulls up alongside him.

"Steven." Dean. Dean who's got a gun on him. His mind race's. "Get in the car." He can't move with a gun on him. "Now or I'll blow your head off right here." He forces himself to get into the passenger side. Clips the seat belt in on habit alone.

"So pleased you decided to do it this way." Dean states. "I wouldn't want the hassle of cleaning up the brain from the pavement. It's so annoying. You know brain is one of the hardest things to clean up? I didn't but Dad educated me. I thought it was blood. But alas no. Brain Steven."

What the fuck? He tries to get his breathing and heart rate down but he can't not with Dean who is completely off his fucking rocker with a gun on him.

"Now I won't have to... I told you to stay away. I told you that Brendan's mine. I thought I'd made myself clear Steven."

Fucking hell Brendan's more than picked up a nutter. Dean's completely insane.

"But Brendan's looking at you. Keeps looking at you. He wants you. He promised me that it was only me but he's still looking at you." Dean shakes his head. "You know he promised me that you were nothing to him. That you were nothing. The nightmares when he'd call your name." Dean shakes his head. "He used to scream for you… Like… But he said that I had fixed all that but I haven't have I you're still around still... He wants you. You want him. But if I can't have him Steven you can't either… I can't live without him, he knows that so… You and me we're going to take a ride. We're going to sort this all out."

"Dean I don't want…" He doesn't want Brendan and he needs to make Dean see that all this… This is just him reading things the wrong way. There's nothing between Brendan and him anymore. Brendan's made himself clear on that.

"No, no, no you told me. If you wanted him you could have him. He wants you… He's waiting on you then he's going to leave me for you and I can't let that happen. I can't live without him. He can live without me. But I don't think he can live without you so…" He revs the engine hard. "You can't have him if I can't and he can't have you if you're dead."

"Dean…" He has nothing he can think of to get back some control of this. He doesn't know what he can say. He doesn't think there's anything that will get through to him.

"You and me Steven we're going to ruin him give him what he deserves." Dean goes to take the handbrake off and on instinct and the gun is against his head in a flash. "Ah ah ah Steven. I know this is hard for you but I'm trying to make it easy. Just sit there relax and let me sort this."

"I don't need him." He states firmly.

"That makes you better than me? Is that why he wants you? He knows that you have to choose him instead of just plain needing him? No, that's not fair."

He doesn't know how any of this is fair.

"Brendan promised…"

"His promises don't mean shit." He snaps.

"No they don't do they?" Dean looks on the verge of tears. "He… He isn't… He doesn't get to leave me. He can't leave me. I need him. I get to leave him and I get to take what he wants away from him."

Dean takes pushes the handbrake down and the car lurches forward.

He looks where they're going and they're heading straight for the bus stop. Straight towards the think stone wall behind the plastic and metal.

It's almost in slow motion as he realises what Dean plans on doing. He's going to crash the car. He's going to kill them both.

"Dean!" He tries to reach for the wheel, anything to try and stop the car but it's too late and he knows that the worst thing he can do is brace himself but he does. He pushes himself back into the seat as far as he can go.

He feels the impact a split second before he's thrown forward the seat belt cutting into his shoulder. His head hits something and he blacks out.

* * *

"You shouldn't be here." He can hear a woman's voice. She sounds distant and fuzzy to him. The voice is familiar but he's struggling to recall it.

"I had to see him." Brendan.

"If Barnet finds out you're in here instead of with Dean they'll be trouble." Laura.

"What did the doctor say?" Brendan's ignoring her.

"Concussion, the airbag saved it being worse. Bruised collar bone from the seat belt and a sprained ankle. He's lucky that Dean was only doing 40 when they hit the wall." She sounds pissed off.

He can't quite place what happened or what they're talking about.

"You need to sort this Brendan. Dean nearly killed them both."

He can feel a hand on his cheek.

"Steven?"

He winces and shifts.

"Steven wake up… Open your eyes, come on." Brendan's coaxing him and he responds. "Hey." Brendan's right there, he looks relieved.

He shifts a little and Christ he feels woozy. The room is shifting and it makes him feel sick.

"Bren…" He's mouths dry.

"I'll go get the doctor." He hears Laura say.

Brendan cups his face and kisses him gently on the lips.

"How you feeling?"

"Sore."

It's all so fuzzy.

"But you're alright though?" Brendan asks and he looks worried.

He frowns.

"Yeah?" Why wouldn't he be?

"Do you remember what happened?"

It's a blur. Something happened, something bad but he can't reach it. It's so confusing.

"No." He shakes his head and that's a mistake. It makes the spinning worse.

"Mr Hay." The doctor arrives.

"Brendan." Laura states. "You are in the wrong place."

"I need to know he's ok." Brendan's eyes don't leave his.

"I need to talk to Mr Hay. If you wouldn't mind going outside." The doctor states. "Mr Hay you were in a car accident." He hears the words but he can't make them make sense. "Mr Hay?" The lights is blinding and he turns his head away. "Rest, Mr Hay." The doctor instructs.

* * *

He doesn't even need to open his eyes to know he's in hospital. It's the smell that gives it away. He tries to remember. Dean. Dean had driven them into a wall. He shakes his head and his collar bone screams at him. He's got a banging head ache and he's sure he's had or got concussion.

"Ste?" Laura's in a chair to the side of his bed.

"I hope that little fucker is locked up." His voice is ruined and he's grateful for the water Laura offers.

"He's been admitted. Head trauma." Laura replies.

"Police?" He asks because he wants that bastard locked up for this.

"They'll question him."

"He tried to fucking kill me." He exclaims. Because fuck.

"He didn't though. When Amy got the call she rang me. She can't make it down but I let her know it was a concussion and bruising. She'll ring you later."

Brendan walks into the room like he owns the place.

"Come to see if your little twat of a boyfriend managed to kill me?" He demands.

Brendan looks startled.

"Steven I swear I never thought he would do anything like this."

"Yeah because he's the model of mental health." Isn't that a joke, the second he met the bloke he knew he wasn't right in the head.

"I swear to you."

"Oh and what is that worth?" He asks because really what are Brendan's words worth these day?

"Steven. You have to und…"

"If you're asking me to understand why that fucking mentalist tried to kill me…"

"It's complicated. It's my fault."

"No shit. Thanks for that. See you around." He spits.

"Listen to me."

"No. Now fuck off. I don't want to see you."

"Laura can you give us a second?" Brendan asks although it's more a demand.

"Why? Why should she go anywhere?" He asks.

"Laura." Brendan growls.

She stands her ground.

"I'm not leaving until I speak to you." Brendan states and he knows that tone.

He nods to Laura and she goes signalling she's going for coffee.

"Look… I'm sorry."

"You're sorry well that makes all this fine then." He huffs.

"Why do you have to be so fucking difficult?"

"Difficult? I'm being difficult? It's your fucking nutter of a boyfriend that put me in here."

"He's had a bad time."

"Oh well boo fucking hoo who hasn't?"

"He was raped." Brendan roars at him and it knocks him into silence. "Inside before he came to Strangeways he was at another prison and they… What those blokes did to him doesn't bare thinking about but they… When he got there, he was a wreck. He could barely hold himself together. I… I took one look at him and knew I had to do something." He blew a breath. "I took him under my wing. I just wanted to help him. He looked… Steven he was ruined."

He takes a deep breath.

"We… We helped each other. Made life more bearable inside. I protected him… I stopped him killing himself… I…" Brendan's struggling. "I made a mistake."

"Is that what I am?" Dean standing in the doorway.

"Dean." Brendan breaths.

"I'm a mistake?" He walks forward. There's something in his hand.

"No. I said I made a mistake."

"Meaning you think you should have let me die."

"No. Dean, never that."

"You put me back together. You made me feel like a person again. You looked after me. You loved me." Dean mouth twists. "You gave me a home. You made me think that I was worth something again. You… We were happy before he showed up." It's a scalpel. The thing in Dean's hand is a scalpel and he's pointing it at him. "You. Fucking Steven." A tear runs down his face. "That one look at Cheryl's and I knew it you… He talked about you, on the inside…" He nods to himself. "You were right in that hallway Steven, all you have to do is let him and he'd be yours all over again."

"Dean." Brendan's using his calming tone but he doesn't think that's going to be enough here.

"Hush. It's fine. I mean you're just taking EVERYTHING!" He screams suddenly. "I should have killed him. My mistake Brendan. I didn't do the job right. You'd have mourned him. I mean I'm not stupid. Or as stupid as you seem to think I am because just the looks you give each other. You'd have mourned him then we could have kept going together. Lived our lives together but the way you look at him." He too close to him. He's within striking distance and Brendan's on the wrong side even if he's moving around. "I've got a choice for you Brendan… A simple choice. Me or him?"

"What?" He exclaims and Brendan gestures for him to be quiet. And given that he's in no position to resolve this he decides not to push it.

"Do you want me who has stuck by you, who loves you and would do anything for you or him? The one who doesn't want you. Me or him?"

"Dean…" Brendan's trying to talk him down.

"Simple question. Tick tock. I can kill him and we can go back to the way it was before. Before he came back. When we were happy and he was just a nightmare... When he wasn't there and you had me."

"Dean…"

"Chose." He shouts.

"It isn't a choice." Brendan replies.

What does that mean?

Dean nods and wipes the tears from his face. "I love you, you know that right. I love you."

"I know you do." Brendan is getting closer to Dean.

"But you want him… He doesn't want you."

"It doesn't matter." Brendan replies. "I… I can't live without him."

He can't quite believe he's hearing it, not after… He chose Dean. Chose to live his life with someone else. He hasn't been, they haven't been together in…

"You did." Dean replies. "You did and you were happy."

"He was still alive, I knew he was still alive… I'm so sorry Dean."

"Yeah me too. I'm sorry you bothered to save me."

It's like watching a TV show because it's so unreal. Surreal. It's happening right in front of him and he doesn't feel part of it. It's like he's watching someone else's life.

"No!" Brendan shouts and he reaches for Dean but the scalpels already in his neck. He pulls it out and throws it to the floor. The blood is already spurting everywhere. Dean's struggling with Brendan but the blood is just pouring out of him. "Help!" Brendan shouts and Laura pushes inside.

"Fucking hell!" Laura exclaims but immediately drops to her knees next to Dean's bleeding body.

"Help me!" Brendan shouts as he tries to stem the bleeding.

"Can I get some help in here?!" Laura shouts she's grabbing at Dean who's getting paler by the second. The blood is all over the floor. All over Brendan who has his hand on Dean's neck trying to stem the bleeding, all over Laura who's trying to stop Dean struggling but Jesus there's just so much of it.

A nurse rushes in followed by a doctor, they pause then jump into action. A trolley is brought through the door.

The doctor push Brendan away and Laura pushes him further back as he struggles.

"Dean!" Brendan shouts.

"Internal and external jugular lacerations and Carotid artery cut too." The doctor is explaining to the group working on Dean.

They stop. They stop and they all look at each other.

He feels himself take a heaving gulp of air.

"He's dead." He states numbly. Dean killed himself.


	47. Chapter 47

Thank you for your reviews. Thank you for reading.

This is story has never been simple but the next few chapters are going to be a challenge to write. I know what I want to do and I know where I'm going but a bit of a warning that my updating might be a little slower while I try and get this next bit of this section right. This is my second attempt at this chapter and I suspect that the next will take a couple of attempts too.

* * *

He watched the Doctor's and nurses lift Dean's… Copse he supposed onto the stretcher and wheeled it out of the room. He knew he had seen it. Knew that it had happened but still… For Dean to do that. To sick a knife in his throat because Brendan… He can't quite get a grip on it. Any of it.

He looked across at Brendan who had his hands against the window ledge, facing the window, head down. He couldn't see his face but his posture was familiar. His suit trousers were soaked with blood.

There was blood all over the floor, all over the covers of the bed he pushed them away, and took a moment to hate hospital gowns. But Christ he didn't want it touching him. Dean's blood. He pushed back up the bed regretting it when he pushed his left heel down into the mattress and red hot pain shot up his leg. He looked at his strapped ankle and turned it left to right but regretted it as it throbbed at him.

Laura was standing against the wall with her eyes closed, head tipped back. Blood all over her top and jeans.

A knock on the door jolted her and he looked as the police and a doctor walked in carefully moving around the blood.

He never knew a person could bleed so much.

"We've cleared the room next door. We'll move you in there." The Doctor stated.

He wants out of the room. He wants away from the blood, from Dean's blood. From what Dean did. Because Brendan chose… Brendan chose him.

He shakes himself, he can't think about that. Isn't ready to think about that. Not with a copper in the room, looking at them like they've done something. Looking at them all like suspects.

He's not innocent. He's not guilty but Christ he knows he's not innocent. He didn't do anything but he feels guilty that Dean killed himself even if he was off his rocker, for whatever reason. He didn't do anything but he didn't stop him either.

Dean tried to kill him, tried to kill them both, and would have killed him if Brendan had chosen to stay with Dean.

He just saw Dean kill himself and he can't quite work out how to feel or what to do about that.

It's not real, it doesn't feel real.

"We'll need to take some statements from you. I'll come back once you're settled." The police officer said.

A porter brought a wheelchair in and the doctor brought it to the side of his bed.

"Mr Hay." He said and gestured for him to get in it.

He goes to get in the chair because he wants out of there. Out of the copper smell mixed with disinfectant and something else he doesn't want to identify. He wants to be somewhere else where he can think.

His head throbs, and maybe thinking isn't what he needs.

"Doctor Ellington, Mr Brady is it? We'll get you some scrubs to change into."

Laura went to leave but paused and nodded towards Brendan.

He looks at her. What's he meant to do? What can he do?

"Brendan?" She asked.

No response. Nothing. He just stood there with his head bowed.

He has to try. Has to see if he can get somewhere.

"Brendan?" He asked frowning in concentration looking for a reaction.

There was a twitch in his shoulders.

He looks around the room, he knows that this number of people isn't a good thing when Brendan's like that. When he's shut down. He needs to get him responding and he's not sure what the response is going to be. And he doesn't want others to see it especially not the police.

"Can you give us a minute please?" He asked. "It was his boyfriend."

The doctor nodded as did the police officer and left the room Laura hung back and he held up his hand to get her to stay.

He knew Brendan's posture. Knew what could happen. Brendan could lose it completely and he wasn't in any shape to deal with that alone. Wasn't sure he could…

"Brendan?" He pushed himself out of the chair, putting all his weight through his right foot he hopped slightly, daring only to put his toes of his left foot on the floor for balance. He made it to the window and made sure that he was well within Brendan's vision. He didn't want to catch him unaware. "Brendan?" He asked more firmly, he saw Brendan's shoulders slump a little more.

He had to reach out and touch him to get his attention but he wasn't sure… He didn't know what he would get. He looked to Laura for a second before he touched Brendan's arm. He jerked away with such force he nearly fell.

"Ah… Fuck." The shock of the movement made him stumble back and put his weight down on his bad ankle. He leant his arm against the ledge as he tries to get control of the pain.

"Steven." Brendan was there. Right there next to him touching him. Frantic in his movements. "Steven." He pulled his face up and Brendan looked straight into his eyes then collapsed forward into him, he forced his weight to turn them so he had his back to the ledge, he needed something to lean against to keep the weight off his ankle. Brendan was wrapped around him. Head on his collar bone bruised collar bone, the pains radiating from it, down his shoulder, up his neck. Brendan's arms are around his waist and neck. Clinging to him. He was too shocked to do anything for a moment then let his good arm come up and he hugged him back.

"I…" Brendan takes a shuddering breath. "Oh God." Brendan pushes him away and it jars his back against the sharp ledge, he can't stop hissing.

"I…" Brendan's going to lose it, he can almost taste it.

"Don't." He states as firmly as he can because he can't deal with it. He can't see it again. "Please don't." It barely a whisper but Brendan looks at him sharply and it's enough, he hopes it's enough. "Brendan we have to move rooms." He states. "We have to move rooms and I don't want you arrested for smashing this place up."

He can see it. It's on the surface, in the twitch in his cheek, in his shoulders, he can see that need for destruction. A need to let the pain out but he can't deal with that. He can't see Brendan give in to it.

Brendan turns and he closes his eyes waiting for it because he can guess it's coming. He waits for the impact. He's not innocent, especially not after what he said to Dean in that hallway at Cheryl's when he knew what damage words like that could do. Never thought the damage could be like this though.

"I… Steven." He opens his eyes and Brendan's staring at him, wide eyed and he's shaking his head slightly then more forcefully.

"Ste the copper will be back." Laura offers a distraction, something he needs and he hops back to the wheelchair. Laura walks across around Brendan, giving him more than enough space before taking the handles.

"We need to get next door." She states firmly and he knows that it's directed at Brendan.

Brendan shakes himself and wipes at his face before taking a breath then shaking his arms. He walks over to the door and holds it while Laura pushes him through. The doctor is out there and he opens the room next door.

"Do you need anything?" She asks politely.

"Couple of sweet teas if you wouldn't mind. Those scrubs wouldn't go amiss." Laura takes control and gets the doctor gone.

Laura gets him to the bed and he hops onto it. His head is banging now the tension is broken. He lies back on the covers.

The doctor returns quickly with the scrubs and couple of forensic bags which freak him out because Dean killed himself why would the police be giving them evidence bags for their clothes and she promises that the tea is coming.

Brendan is pacing slightly, not a full on pace that's familiar but a mini one that has him thinking he doesn't know where to put himself, doesn't know if he should run and he's frayed around the edges.

"Brendan you need to get out of those clothes." He says because someone has to.

Brendan looks at him frowning.

"Why would I want to do that? Blood on my hands again Steven." There a slightly manic edge to his tone which does nothing to calm the fear that Brendan's going to go off the cliff.

"Brendan!" He snaps forcefully. "Get cleaned up." He instructs and he's holding his breath slightly that Brendan's not going to listen to him. He throws the scrubs at him. "Please." He adds softly.

He doesn't want to see Dean's blood on him not when it's clearly doing damage. He takes a set of scrubs for himself and pulls the trousers on, and it makes him feel better, more secure in himself because being half naked makes him vulnerable and he can't be that right now.

Laura walks to the sink in the corner and scrubs her hands to get the blood off. She picks up the scrubs and pulls off her top, he averts his eyes out of respect more than anything. She's fully changed by the time he looks back and he shakes his head slightly in disbelief that she just stripped in a room with two blokes and she just rolls her eyes and he read as 'you're both gay'.

It seems highly inappropriate but it's a bit of relief.

He pulls the shirt over his head and the scrubs are hanging off him. They're huge.

Brendan is at the sink washing the blood off his hands and he's scrubbing and scrubbing. He watches then he catches Laura's glance in his direction concern written all over her face.

"Brendan. Your hands are clean." He states because he doesn't want Brenan taking the skin off. He doesn't want to see anymore blood today, or ever again. And he certainly doesn't want to see Brendan's blood.

"They'll never be clean." Brendan replies firmly.

Laura looks out the door. 'Coppers' she mouths at him.

"Brendan you need… If the police come in here and you talk like that they're going to think you did something…"

"I did." He replies and he's starts scrubbing again.

"Dean." He sees Brendan's shoulders tense at the name. "Killed himself. He took his own life."

"I made him."

It hits him in the gut and he's not ready for this. He can't build himself up enough to get Brendan to listen to him, really listen and believe that it was Dean's choice to kill himself. He didn't have to. He decided to stick that blade in his neck…

It flashes in front of him. The image is lodged in his brain. The look on his face. He can replay it, hates his brain for being able to loop it. The knife rising, the force Dean stabbed his own neck with, the first trickles of blood before the knife is pulled free and red escapes everywhere…

"Listen to me. He chose to kill himself, you did everything you could to stop him dying… If you want to put yourself on a guilt trip do it later." Laura snaps.

It jolts the replay in his head and he's free of it for the moment and it enough to focus on Laura and Brendan and he's not sure how this is going to play. He's grateful to her for saying what he hadn't been able to repeat but he's not sure she should have said it, not to Brendan, not when he's this off balance.

"And what do you know?" Brendan swings around on her but she doesn't back down. She stands her ground.

He would have backed off at that tone. Nothing good ever came from that tone.

"I know that if you keep up with this shit they're going to bang you back up in a heartbeat, so calm down and think, they'll be time later to sort this."

"Dean's dead, he can't be sorted Doctor Ellington." Brendan hisses in her face.

"Yeah, he dead, you're not and Ste's not so deal with that first if it's easier." He hasn't seen her stand up to anyone quite like she is now. She not backing off an inch. And he realises that this is the Laura who had people knee capped. This is the cold hearted bitch that she can use when she needs to. This Laura isn't a doctor, this Laura is a drug lords daughter and weapon.

Brendan punches to wall to the side of Laura's head and she barely flinches.

"Ste told me you were good with your fists." She's going for the wrong target although the look on Brendan's face suggests that she hit dead centre.

"Laura stop it." He doesn't want her dragging up anything else… Doesn't want her pushing Brendan the way he knows she possibly could. "Leave it."

She looks at him and nods but then looks back at Brendan.

"Pack it in the pair of you." He snaps. He doesn't need to be playing referee, and he doesn't want Laura pushing Brendan not when he's unstable because he knows the damage her words can do.

The police officer calls Laura outside to get a statement leaving him and Brendan who is back pacing and he looks like he needs to, needs to be moving, so he leans his head back and closes his eyes trying to get a grip on his headache which is threatening to cripple him.

The police officer returns but Laura isn't with him.

"Mr Hay are you ready?"

No. He needs some pain killers.

"Yeah." He mutters because the sooner the police man is gone the sooner he can keep his eyes closed, he's not going to sleep, he's going to need painkillers to sleep.

"Can you leave us?"

"Can he stay?" He doesn't want Brendan out of his sight. He needs to be able to see him because he doesn't know what he'll do when he leaves the room.

"If you want." The police officer shrugs. "I just need to establish the events leading to Mr Barnet's death."

He tells him about the car crash although he leaves a few details out about certain things that Dean said to him but he makes it clear that Dean intended to kill him and himself. Then he's very careful about what happened in the room next door because he doesn't want to trigger Brendan off on one.

"He stabbed himself in the neck."

"And you can confirm this version of events Mr Brady?"

Brendan nods.

"According to his Doctor Mr Barnet has a history of attempting suicide, was there anything that happened that we should know?"

"He asked me to choose." Brendan states. "He was going to kill Steven if I chose to stay with him." His voice is dead. It's cold. No emotion just fact. "If I didn't, if I left him for Steven he'd kill himself. I chose to keep Steven alive and he stabbed himself." There's a crack and he turns away and faces into the room next door.

"We'll have to wait for the post mortem to confirm the wound was self-inflicted but given that there is footage of Mr Barnet entering the room with the scalpel and his history of attempting suicide. The statements from yourselves, his doctor and Doctor Ellington as well as the events of last night. I think it will be confirmed suicide. We'll let you know, we might need more from you. Mr Brady I'm sorry for your loss."

Brendan nods. He looks calmer, more in control. But he's not sure. It's always that little creep of doubt that sits in his stomach. That little uncertainty. He knows, he frowns at himself, he knew Brendan, knew him better than he knows himself but he's not sure the man in this room is the Brendan Brady he knew and it frightens him.

Laura comes back in the room, takes one look at him and walks back out returning with a doctor.

"Mr Hay?" The Doctor asks. "Are you okay?"

"I've got a banging head." He admits and he sees Brendan shift sharply, looks at him intently.

"Well your CT came back clear, I'll get the nurse to give you some ibuprofen."

The silence is tense and it's making his head worse. He's grateful when the nurse comes in and he swallows the pills with a mouthful of water hoping they'll kick in quickly.

There's a knock on the door and the bloke he met in Stellarto at Mr Barnet's son's birthday party walks in.

He looks around the room and zeroes in on Laura.

"Miss Ellington." He offers his hand which Laura shakes.

"William Stewart been a long time." She smiles but it's tight.

He doesn't like it. He doesn't like that this guy who is so close to Barnet is in the room.

"It has." He nods. "As a return on a favour you once did for me I am here to tell you that Mr Barnet is looking for someone to blame for Dean's death."

He stares at them.

"He killed himself." Laura states.

"Ronnie doesn't believe that, or won't accept that. He's looking for revenge and I don't need to tell you that he will find someone to pay. The police told him that you three were present."

Laura nods.

"Thanks."

William leaves.

"What does that mean?" He asks because he doesn't like the sound of that.

"It means we need to get the hell out of here." Laura replies and pulls her phone from her pocket.

"We didn't do anything." He exclaims because they didn't it was Dean. Dean killed himself and Mr Barnet must know that. Must know his son's history. Can't possibly blame them, any of them for what happened.

"Barnet's not going to care." Brendan states and he's back. Seems to have shaken himself out of whatever had him shut down. He goes to the door and looks out.

"Colin, look shut up." Laura's on her phone. "I need to borrow the house… No. I haven't run it past Dad but I'll sort it. I just need it, can I have it?... Good. I'll be there today." She ends the call and she's making another call. "Callum… I need some clothes for me and Ste." She looks across at Brendan. "And Brady, whatever will fit but I need them at the hospital ASAP right… I'll tell you when you get here." She starts texting.

"Laura." He states. "Laura." He snaps to get her attention.

"I've got somewhere for me and Ste, have you got somewhere?" She asks Brendan and she's ignoring him.

He can't leave Brendan like this, he's pushing stuff down to deal with the situation but there's no way that he's in the right state of mind to be alone and he's not prepared to let him be alone until he knows that he's coping. Whatever they need to sort out, however much Brendan has hurt him he is not leaving him to deal with Dean's death alone. He can't take the risk that Brendan might do something stupid. Might lay down in front of Barnet as a sacrifice, give in to the guilt.

"He's coming with us."

Brendan turns and stares at him. Looks for a second like he might protest and he's not having that.

"You're coming no arguments." He states firmly.

"Fine." Laura agrees. "You need to ring Tony."

"I can't drop him in the shit." He winces at the implications. He can't leave the businesses. He can't leave Tony and Marc to cope without him. They're stretched as it is.

"And what are you going to do hop around the kitchen? Come on Ste you can't work even if you are here until your ankles healed." Laura replies.

He wants to protest he can't even put weight through his ankle so of course he can't work.

"How long?" He asks. How long is Barnet going to take to calm down and see sense? How long are they going to have to stay out of the way?

"A couple of days, maybe a week, I don't know to be honest but I'll get something fixed." Laura shrugs.

"You?" Brendan gives her a disbelieving look.

"Yes me, because being Mr Arthur's new favourite is not going to be enough in this. He's not going to stick his neck out for you, not on something like this." She cold as ice.

"We should go to Cheryl's." Brendan states firmly.

"Yeah because he's not going to look at family members first." Laura cuts through Brendan like a knife.

He can't stop the panic that rises at the thought of Barnet going after their families. He could go after the kids. Amy.

"What about Amy and the kids?"

"We're not that far in here. He wants us, directly, he's not going to go around the houses. He doesn't need to. He's going to come after us. He'll look at family first but he won't touch them."

"Unless he tries to flush us out." Brendan states and he can seem him trying to take control away from Laura.

He licks his lips. He knows without doubt that he can trust Laura… He's not sure he can trust Brendan. He's not sure he knows well enough anymore. There's enough doubt there that Brendan's just lost someone very close to him, that he's guilty or at least feels guilty, that he's looking for punishment… He knows that Brendan wouldn't, would never risk the kids or his but the doubt is still there. He's not sure and he has to go with his gut.

"Will he?" He asks because he has to be sure his kids are safe. Has to hear it confirmed.

"He's not going to go after family." Laura states firmly. There's no uncertainty. She's sure.

"He's not going to go after _your_ family." Brendan shoots back. "Steven we have to…"

"No." He states because he trusts Laura. "We go with Laura."

"What if she's wrong? Can you live with that?" Brendan picking at his confidence in her. In his trust in her.

"She's not wrong." He states and he looks to her to make completely sure that his gut is right, that he's right.

She looks at him and nods. She knows she right and he knows that he can trust her.

"Where are we going?" He asks.

"The Lakes."


	48. Chapter 48

Thank you for your reviews.

* * *

The shock he supposes it was shock is wearing off. Being in a different room, not being able to see the blood. He can block it out and push it down.

He watches Brendan out the corner of his eye. He's got his back towards him so it's a good opportunity to study him, to work out just how much he has changed from the man he had lived with, would have spent the last nine years with if he'd been given any say in it.

He's still furious with Brendan for that. Still beyond angry about Dean, Brendan choosing to set up with that little twat, however much he shouldn't speak ill of the dead.

Brendan Brady. He could fucking rip his guts out for what he did to him. Pull out his heart with his bare hands and stamp on it.

He sighs. Seeing him vulnerable though… hurt, guilty… It raises deep need to protect him, need to help him, to look after him… He loves him and he's got to do everything in his power to make sure he's alright however much he wants to kill him for what he did to him, keeps doing to him. The pain he keeps inflicting and he knows that Brendan doesn't even know what he does to him. Doesn't even seem to care about that but he can't help loving him.

He's not sure he knows him anymore though… Nine years have changed him, it's got to have changed Brendan.

From behind he can't see it, when he faces him he can see the added lines to his face, the stubble that's far heavier than he used to keep it. The suits are still there, the barrier that Brendan used to use, his shield still intact but he's got to have changed inside.

The impatience is still there, the tapping, the moving, he can see the little things that used to make Brendan, Brendan but he doesn't know if that's just habit and what they mean is different now.

He shakes his head, relieved that the throbbing is down in a ache.

"Fucking finally." Laura mutters. "Callum's here I'm going to meet him."

"Is that a good idea?" He asks because Barnet's still in the hospital as far as they know.

"The coppers, the CCTV, he's not going to do anything here." She replies.

"You know that do you?" Brendan asks. "Know that a grieving father wouldn't come at you in broad daylight? I'm know you're a shrink and the more I see of you the more I know you shouldn't be messing with peoples head, you're not all there." He taps the side of his head.

"He's surrounded by people invested in keeping him out of prison. He might come straight at me but do you think that they'll allow him to?" She replies.

He opens his mouth but she's already through the door.

"She's got a screw loose." Brendan states firmly.

"Well you would know." It's out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

"You know Steven I was waiting for this. Waiting for the anger to come back in." He folds his arms tightly and looks at him intently.

"I'm sorry." He's not, but he doesn't want to start another argument, actually he does but it's not the right time.

"No, you're not Steven… I don't blame you, what Dean did, what he tried to do." He blows out a breath. "It's my fault."

"And how is this your fault?" He asks because he's curious.

"I tried to fix him… Me… I tried to fix him. He never stood a chance." He shakes his head.

He frowns.

"What do you mean?"

"Me Steven. Me trying to fix someone." He laughs. "A broken man trying to fix another. It was never going to work."

"You're not broken." He's never thought that. Cracked maybe, damaged but no more than he is but not broken. Dean was broken.

"Is that what you think?"

He nods.

Laura comes in immediately throwing a bag of clothes at Brendan and putting another bag on the bed for him. She's already changed.

"We're taking Callum's car to my flat, we'll take my rental around the houses and pick up clothes and anything you need." She states.

"What about Stellarto?" He asks because Callum can't come with them and leave the bar.

"Don't worry Callum's staying here." Laura replies.

"Barnet will pay him a visit." Brendan states.

"Let him. Callum can look after himself."

He doesn't doubt that but he doesn't want Barnet going into Stellarto and causing a scene or worse damage. It's going well, he doesn't want anything going wrong, and he doesn't want any of this shit hitting his businesses. It's not his fault, although, no it's not and it's certainly not Tony's.

"We'll need some crutches." She looks around. "You might want to get changed before I get back." She looks pointedly at the bags.

He got changed before without releasing it was in front of Brendan, now though, now he's aware of it.

Brendan never had much shame, not of his body and he's dropping the scrub trousers and pulling on a pair of jeans. Strips off the shirt to pull on a black tee-shirt.

He takes in the ripped taught stomach, wide chest, the hair, and a scar, a new scar near his hip. He's staring at it trying to get the story without asking.

"See something you like?" Brendan asks smirking at him.

Dean just killed himself and Brendan's flirting with him, he looks away.

"Come on Steven it was just a joke." Brendan says.

Brendan can joke less than two hours since a bloke that he chose to live with instead of coming to get him is dead. Dead because Brendan chose him, doesn't even know what that was all about, where that puts him. Brendan says he can't live without him, says that he loves him and yet everything he has done, or not done has screamed that he didn't want him anywhere near him. No Brendan doesn't get to make jokes about this.

"Yeah well it's not funny."

Brendan shifts, looks at him, cocks his head.

"What?" He snaps.

Brendan shrugs.

"Turn round then."

"Nothing I haven't seen before." Brendan replies.

"That's not the fucking point."

Brendan holds his hands up in surrender and turns around.

He pulls the jeans out of the bag and curses Callum because he's going to struggle to get them on, never mind get them on quickly. He manages to get them half on before resorting to bouncing his hips on the bed to get them all the way up and it's more than a little ridiculous, it's a relief when he can get them fastened. He quickly pulls on a tee-shit and wraps his hoodie around his waist, it's too hot in the hospital to put it on but he wants it. There's a pair of trainers in the bottom of the bag, he puts the right one on and leaves the other one in the bag since there's no way it's going on his foot.

"Doctors agreed to discharge you into my care." Laura states as soon as she returns carrying a pair of crutches, and a bag of his stuff that they must have taken off him when he was admitted. "We'll pick up your pain killers for your ankle on the way back to Hollyoaks."

"Let's go." Brendan moves towards him.

He frowns and it's enough to make Brendan stop and look at him. Laura comes around his shoulder and she's between them.

"Wheelchair to the entrance." Laura states nodding towards the chair at the side of the bed and he rolls his eyes he's not an invalid.

"Quick is good here." She adds.

"You seen him?" Brendan asks immediately.

"No but I saw David Morris and Carl Banks coming in and they clocked me when I was talking to the doctor." She replies.

"Thought he wouldn't do anything here." He thought they were safe until they were out of the hospital.

"They would." Brendan replies and Laura nods.

He hops down and into the chair putting the bag with the one shoe on his lap.

"Good to go?" She asks Brendan nodding towards the door.

He looks out, nods a little then pushes the door checking left and right before holding it open.

Brendan's checking over his shoulder and all around and he can feel Laura doing the same and he feels useless sat in a wheelchair not knowing who they are looking for. He vaguely remembers Morris from Cobra but he hadn't spared him more than a quick look and he's not sure of the details.

Callum is waiting next to the car, as soon as they are outside he's got the passenger side open.

"Nice to see you still breathing." He comments light enough although he's checking around like Brendan and Laura.

As soon as he's out of the chair he grabs for the door for balance.

"See him." Laura states, and he catches Brendan looking towards the car park at a man.

"That's my car." Brendan replies.

"You'll have to get with us." She says. "The CCTV will do for you if you hit him which you'll have to do to get past him."

"Get in." Callum states pushing the wheelchair back inside the hospital. Laura drops into the seat behind him and Brendan in behind Callum, who wastes no time getting back in the car.

"Eyes open." Callum states and he frowns, what's he meant to be looking for?

"Chemist." Laura states. And Callum grumbles something about knowing that.

Callum's driving to the speed limit which is a surprise although given that they're trying to get out of Chester and away from the area perhaps being pulled by the police for speeding wouldn't be a good idea.

"I'll get the prescription." Laura states as Callum pulls over.

Callum's looking around intently then stops and looks through the rear view mirror.

"Promise me Brady." He states.

He looks over his shoulder at Brendan to try and understand what the promise is.

"I promise." Brendan's firm.

"Both of them."

"I promise."

He thinks he gets it. Something about keeping both himself and Laura safe. Looking out for them because he won't be there.

He doesn't like Brendan promising anything for him because he's promises' don't amount to much but the look of relief on Callum's face is enough that he doesn't openly protest.

Laura gets back in the car and hands the pills to him over his shoulder.

"You get the good stuff." She states and pulls her seat belt on.

Callum drops them at Laura's, helps him into Laura's car, pushing the passenger seat right back, while Brendan leans against it looking around.

Laura is back within five minutes, a holdall in hand which she drops into the boot before dodging Brendan's attempt to get her keys off her. She's not going to let Brendan drive.

"What do you need?" She asks.

He could argue that he can pack his own bag but the edge that both Laura and Brendan are carrying he doesn't think he's going to be allowed anyway and they possibly point out that they need to be quick and he's not going to be because he's going to struggle to get around.

"Just jeans, shirts, the usual. Phone charger." He can't think of anything else specific.

He pulls his keys out of the bag and hands them to her as she pulls up.

He leans his head against the door and tries to find a comfortable position for his ankle but it's not happening and he's going to need a pain killer.

He needs some water. There's none visible so he checks the glove compartment, nothing.

"Brendan is there any water in the back?" He asks and frowns when Brendan doesn't reply. He turns his head and Brendan's staring at the flat. There's a look on his face that he can't read. "Brendan water?" He asks firmer and Brendan shakes himself, wipes at his face and looks around, looks anywhere but at him.

Laura is locking up the flat and she's packed a lot from the bag she's carrying. She drops it into the boot.

She climbs back in.

"Got any water?"

"Two seconds." She gets back out of the car and opens the boot, returning with a small bottle of water.

He takes it gratefully and opens the prescription bag. He reads the label, 1-2 tablets, he goes to neck two.

"Whoa. Not on an empty stomach." She warns. "Take one, we'll stop on the way up to get some food. Where do you live?" She asks Brendan.

"Barnet might have someone there." He replies. "I'll get clothes on the way."

Laura nods and pulls away. She's not at cautious as Callum was but she's slower than she usually would be getting to the motorway.

"Clear?" She asks.

"No one's following us." Brendan states.

He's feeling tired, the stress of the past twelve hours, the drugs and the edge of concussion are making him struggle to stay away.

Laura reaches across and switches her i-pod on and turns the radio on.

_The world was on fire and no one could save me but you  
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do  
I'd never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you  
I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you_

_No I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)_  
_No I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)_  
_With you_  
_With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)_

_What a wicked game you played to make me feel this way_  
_What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you_  
_What a wicked thing to say you never felt this way_  
_What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you_

_And I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)_  
_No I don't want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)_  
_With you_

He's not reading too deeply into those lyrics even though they strike a nerve, he shifts in his seat.

"Don't start." Laura states.

"What?" He frowns.

"I haven't got any Britney."

It takes him half a second to catch up.

"Alright but something less depressing, if that's even possible."

"Have at it." She gestures to the i-pod.

"There's no point everything on there is music to top yourself to." Shit. He inhales sharply. He doesn't dare look at Brendan.

"I like to think of it as emotional." Laura rescues him before he can dig himself a hole, before he can apologise for being insensitive but he just hadn't thought about what he was saying, it was just what he usually said. "Just because you like your plastic princesses I swear Leah has better taste in music than you and she likes that really annoying boy band."

It's a relief, the distraction of something so normal, something they bicker about often. Their very contrasting music taste.

"Which one? The one you said you'd like to shoot, the one you said you'd want to maim or the one you wanted to dump in the middle of the Antarctic?"

"All of them."

"Arrr Laura embrace stuff you can dance to. Music doesn't have to be emotional torture."

"Careful you know there's a classical section on there."

"You wouldn't." She would.

"You know I will."

"Fine." He huffs and pulls the i-pod off it's stand and starts flicking through the songs, he knows he's going to struggle to find anything that he actually wants to listen to although he's not actually bothered it's just something to do, something to take his mind off everything. He can feel Brendan's eyes on him. A tickle on the back of his neck.

He finds Laura's guilty pleasure playlist, marked up as just that, scans the track list and although it's still not as upbeat as he would chose there are enough tracks that he likes to press play.

"So where are we going?" He asks because the Lake Distrcit is a big place, and although the names of places aren't going to mean much he'd rather ask.

"Pull up maps on your phone." She states.

He does and she gives him the postcode.

"It's just a little outside the village, it never comes up properly." She adds.

"This your Dad's house?"

"It's Mum's parents' house, Dad bought it for her after they moved to residential care because Mum loved it so much, he lets it out as a holiday home. He won't sell it." She states. "It's nice, great views, rural but not massively out of the way."

"Who knows about it?" Brendan asks directly, firmly.

"It's not a business asset, it's privet and Dad never lets it to anyone he knows. Maybe Rory, George Reynolds, Will Simpson, Dad's accountant, me. I've never given Callum the location, he knows there's a place up here but he doesn't know where."

"So trusting of your boyfriend." Brendan states airily.

"Friend… And he's part of your world and since I was part of that world I know the value of making sure that no one knows everything." She bristling slightly at him. "You should be grateful otherwise we'd have had to go to the top of Scotland."

He didn't know anything about Scotland. He didn't know anything about this house. He knows that she has more than enough things that she's kept from him because they were all related to her time as her Dad's right hand but it's difficult because it's yet another thing that she's held back from him.

But he had decided a long time ago that he didn't want to know everything about her time in that world. That he didn't want to know about it because he didn't want to be involved in it.

He looks around and realises that he's slap bang in the middle of it all over again and it's nothing to do with Laura because she's always kept him as far out of it as she could. That the things he does know are from asking, if he didn't ask then she didn't volunteer. She didn't drag him in.

Brendan's dragged him in again. Dragged him back into violence, drugs, threats and a man coming after them because of something he did, however much that's a complicated. Brendan chose to get involved with Dean, whatever his intentions, to help him, fix him or whatever, he got involved with a Drug dealer's son, a gangsters son and maybe he didn't realise that at the time but he had to know as soon as they were out. When he waited for Dean at the prison gates.

He's running Cobra for Mr Arthur, he's back in clubs, back in drugs, back in gangsters and violence and he had chosen it all for himself. Chosen to go back into that world, and now he's sitting in a car driving to what was basically a safe house because of his connection to Brendan, because he loves him.

He can't blame Brendan for that, he can blame himself though.

He doesn't blame Brendan for Dean's death, but he can blame him for putting him back in danger.

"Did you tell Callum you were using this house?" Brendan asks and he wonders why. Why he's pushing but then there's a man who wants them, dead maybe, he doesn't know what Barnet wants to do to them.

"No I told him we were going to Amble."

"You really don't trust him." There's a tiny bit of triumph in his tone.

"Trust is relative." She replies firmly. "I'm protecting him."

"Funny how protection and lying seem to go hand in hand." Brendan replies and he knows he's trying to get at her.

"Yeah I leant that one well." He states shocking the pair of them.

"You wouldn't listen to me." Brendan sighs. "In Ireland when I tried to explain. You wouldn't hear me out."

He grits his teeth, Brendan's just lost someone he shouldn't be spouting off at him, but fuck him for trying to blame him.

"Yeah, I wonder why I wouldn't listen… Maybe it was because I found out you were out of prison, possibly because I found out that you'd been out a year, oh yeah that you'd shacked up with another man, and that all of that was my fault according to you. Sorry that I wasn't really in a listening frame of mind but you know that's a lot to take in. But then that's just me isn't… I just don't listen and that's why you lie."

"I never got the chance…"

"Or maybe I was talking about before, you know before when we were together and you kept lying to me, was that all because you were trying to protect me?"

"You're impossible." Brendan states firmly, huffing.

"Really? Or is it because it's the truth? Don't like the truth do you Brendan."

"Ste." Laura warns.

"It's alright Laura I'm just wondering about all this protection Brendan provided, all the lies, you know just so he can turn it around on me."

"I told you the truth." Brendan snaps.

He nods.

"Only when you couldn't lie your way out of it."

"I told you about Seamus."

It stabs at him because he knows how hard that was for him. How much he had struggled with it. How much he had feared telling him.

He shakes his head and looks out the window.

The music is the only thing breaking the thick silence but it's not touching the tension.

"Brendan, black BM, two cars back." Laura states and she's looking through the rear view hard.

"Slow down." Brendan instructs.

Laura changes lanes and slows to the speed limit which is a practical crawl on the M6. The BMW speeds past them much to the relief of everyone.

"We need to get off the motorway." Brendan states. "We're too exposed."

"I'll head towards Leeds." Laura says. "Go across and up before dropping back down."

"Go to the coast." Brendan states. "Steven can't be in the car too long with that ankle."

He looks over his shoulder and Brendan's looking at him. Possibly waiting for him to shoot him down but the vibrations from the car and the lack of a comfortable angle for his leg despite the space means that he doesn't want to be in the car too long or any longer than necessary.

Laura looks to him and he nods.

"I'll take the A585 run along Blackpool seafront." She replies. "Ste hook up the sat nav add in via Blackpool, Lancaster and Milnthrope."

It's adding another hour or so to their journey time.

"I'll get some clothes somewhere in Blackpool." Brendan says.

He forgot that Brendan didn't have anything with him, not even his own clothes.

They have to pull in for fuel.

"What do you want to eat?" Laura asks.

"Not fussed." He replies. She knows what he likes and if he didn't want to take another pill he wouldn't eat because he's not hungry, there's a knot in his stomach.

"Brendan?" She asks on second thought.

"Not hungry." He replies.

He turns and looks at him. Brendan not hungry? No. Brendan is always hungry.

"Yes Steven?"

He licks his lips, bites at his bottom lip.

"Are you alright?" He asks and it's stupid because of course he's not but… He has to ask. Has to know that even though he's being a bit of a prick Brendan's not, of course he's taking it personally and he wants him too but he doesn't want to hurt him, well he does but he doesn't. It's so difficult to be so angry at him but he just needs to know that Brendan's ok, coping, that despite everything that's going on around them that Brendan is still in one piece.

Brendan looks at him carefully, shifts a little and nods looking away.

"Brendan look at me." He states firmly because it's only when he looks in Brendan's eyes he can read him properly. That hasn't changed. "Are you alright?"

Brendan reluctantly does as he's told and gives him a sullen look of rebellion before sighing and dropping the front.

"No, not really." He shrugs and folds in himself a little.

He nods, grateful that Brendan's not lying to him.

He eats half a sandwich which should be enough to line his stomach and takes another pain killer. Brendan suggests he gets into the back so he lie down but he's not leaving Laura and Brendan in the front seats. They're bad enough with him sitting to the side acting as a referee.

They're both just so used to being in control, he is too but in this situation he's not as experienced as them, and he's grateful that he hasn't had to run for his life too often, well often enough but they know their world better than he wants to and they know the best courses of action but he's still making decisions and he's still involved so he doesn't feel too out of control. Still feels like he could change both of their minds if he needed to.

All three of them are stubborn, he's by far the worst of all of them and he knows that, and that means that they will do what he wants in the end because he'll out last both of them in holding his ground.

Sitting in the front means that he can keep them from clashing too much, he can act as the barrier. He's not used to having to do that for Laura. She's usually very good at keeping herself in check, maybe she's thrown as well.

She's still checking every mirror and looking too hard out of the rear view mirror, she's holding it together but she's freaked out.

It makes him relax a little. She may be more experienced at dealing with all this but she's out of practice and just as off balance as he is. Maybe that's why she's relying on her hard edge, or reverting to type, he wonders. He's met that side of her a few times, he doesn't like it much but then he doesn't like the bastard he can be when push comes to shove.

"Tesco do you for clothes?" Laura asks Brendan.

"Fine." Brendan replies and he looks at him. Brendan Brady in Tesco clothes. He can't help but glance over his shoulder. "We're going to the lakes Steven I don't need designer for that." There's a smirk just under the surface.

"We should get some shopping. The house won't have anything to eat in it." Laura states.

"Steven can't come in."

"Hang on." He exclaims.

"You want to hobble around a busy supermarket on crutches?" Brendan challenging him.

He huffs. He's got a point.

"Yeah but since I'll be doing the cooking I think I should get the ingredients." He's not giving in.

"Make a list." Laura states. Diplomacy, she's refereeing him and Brendan.

"And he's not staying in the car alone."

"I'm not a fucking child." He snaps.

"If someone does come how are you going to get away? You're not are you? And I need clothes and I'm not giving _her_ my inside leg measurements."

He holds his arms across his chest.

Laura smirking at something and he taps her on the arm. She looks at him in confusion.

"You're meant to be on my side." He states.

"I thought you weren't a child."

He twists his nose up in disgust because he knows he's being a bit, more than a bit childish now she's called him on it.

"There's some paper in the glove box." She states. "Make a very detailed list of your requirements chef but please remember that it's not an Ill Nosh fridge order."

"I'll try my best, but you know how hard it is for me. I'm not sure I can do it all by myself." He doesn't think he can be more sarcastic.

Laura rolls her eyes at him.

"There's a shop in the village where we can get milk and anything else that needs to be kept cool." She adds.

He decides to stick to canned stuff and gets the vegetables.

"Is there a butchers?" He asks because he doesn't really want to buying meat when they've still got a long way to go especially if there's somewhere local.

"Yeah." Laura nods.

She parks as close as she can get and Brendan goes in.

"How's he doing?" Laura asks leaning back in her seat, she's still checking around them.

He shakes his head.

"Thought as much."

"I'm trying not to kick off at him." He sighs.

"You might want to try harder." He knows that. He's trying but he's just so angry with him.

"He said he can't live without me." He sighs and rubs his forehead. "In Dublin he said something similar. That he couldn't live his life without me… I just can't work it out."

"What?"

"Well if he can't live without me, if and this is a massive if he still loves me then why the fuck has he been pushing me away? Why? Why keep me in the dark? Why didn't he come for me? Why chose Dean? I know he was unstable, I know now that he was broken and Brendan was trying to fix him but why would he…" He growls in frustration. "I just need him to be alright. I just need him to get through this Dean and Barnet shit ok and…"

"And what?" She asks carefully.

He doesn't know. He shakes his head.

"You still want him." She states.

"I don't know him anymore." He doesn't know who Brendan is anymore...

She nods pensively.

"What?" He asks.

"I thought you were done with denial?"

He looks at her. Denial?

"I just want to know once and for all where we stand, where I stand. I thought I knew and I just don't anymore. It's the way he said it." He shakes his head. "Like he knew Dean would do it, kill me or kill himself and he chose me and he was so sure." Like it wasn't a choice and he doesn't know exactly what that means, he can guess and he can hope but he's not hoping anymore, not where Brendan's concerned. Hope always does the most damage. And Brendan... He sighs. And Brendan only ever breaks his heart.

* * *

Song: Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

5,000+ words and I still didn't get them to the Lakes... Let me know if my pacing is off because this seems to be slow even for me, there's just so much I want to get through and I don't want to rush it but at the same time I don't want it to drag.


	49. Chapter 49

Thank you for your reviews.

Guest: It's over 8 years, in between 8 and 9. I made a shift from Ste being very aware of how much time had passed to putting more distance in time between them during the Ireland section. I just thought that with him trying to move on and his acceptance of his situation he would want to push more distance there. So instead of it being '8 and a bit' or 'nearly 8 and a half' I chose to use 9 to put that extra distance there. Apologises for any confusion that has caused.

For clarification; the start 18 months after Brendan is arrested, just over a year to get Jamie and Ste together, 5 years together, 6/7 months to here.

* * *

It appears that Brendan has bought the shop from the number of bags in the trolley. Laura gets out to help load the boot but quickly returns.

"He can load it himself." She rolls her eyes.

He taps his finger on the door frame in irritation.

"How's the ankle?" She asks.

"Throbbing." He admits, the pain killers are wearing off and he's supposed to wait at least another two hours before taking anymore. He considers taking them anyway, he pulls the bottle out of his pocket and gets another one out. He's not going to be able to sit in the car like this without another one.

"You really should think about getting into the back, get it elevated." She says, "maybe get some sleep."

He's gone past being tired and he has his second wind. But he knows that it's at least another two hours in the car and the thought of that makes his ankle throb more.

"If I get in the back." Because he really is considering now. "I don't want you two arguing." He warns.

"I will be on best behaviour." She replies but there's enough of an edge there that he's not entirely sure that her best behaviour is going to be good enough to keep her mouth in check.

"I mean it."

"I will keep my mouth shut and concentrate on driving."

"Give me a hand." He's stiff as a board from the crash, he's been keeping the seat belt under his arm to keep it off his collar bone.

Laura gets out and goes around the front of the car.

"What are you doing?" He hears Brendan ask.

"Ste wants the back seat." She replies as she opens the door, he needs help to get stood up without putting any weight through his ankle. "Take your time." She says as he gets frustrated, and he manages to get up, he holds the door frame as she opens the back door and he hops around it to get into the back, he sits facing outwards then lies back and uses his good leg and his good arm to push himself across.

She disappears around the side but comes back swiftly with a blanket and a coat.

He should have taken his hoodie off before he got into this position. He pushes himself up to sitting and gently takes off his hoodie, his collar bone is responding better to the pain killers than his ankle is and it aches but he can get the hoodie off his shoulders. He puts it up against the door to use as a pillow.

"Lift your foot." Laura instructs and places the blanket on the seat so he can have the bottom of his calf on it too when he puts it back down and its better, so much better than sitting. He trades the coat for his hoodie and uses his hoodie as a blanket even though it's not cold, he just feels better having something over him when he's sleeping. It makes him feel more secure or at least less exposed.

He gives Laura a pointed look to reinforce what he said about not starting on Brendan now that he is in the back. Stupid that it feels like he can't do the same thing from the back as he can from the front.

"Do you want me to drive?" Brendan asks. He knows that he wants to drive, has wanted to drive since they left Hollyoaks and Laura made it clear that she wasn't handing over the wheel. "Long way still to go." He adds as though that will be enough. As though he's doing her a favour.

"It's going to get tricky when we get into Cumbria and I know the roads pretty well." Laura replies as she shuts the back door.

"That's what Sat Nav is for." Brendan replies.

He fucking knew he should have stayed in the front. He coughs not too subtly and Laura looks at him.

"That would be nice of you." She chucks Brendan the keys and drops into the passenger seat. He gives her a smile when she looks at him and she sighs.

"He wrecks this and he's fucking paying for it." She says quietly just as Brendan gets into the driver's seat forcefully pushing the seat back because he's taller than her. He adjusts the mirrors and starts the engine.

He lies his head down and tries to get as comfortable as having his leg raised can allow him and it's annoying that he can't lie on his side not that his collar bone would put up with that. He stares up and the roof, there's nothing there of interest so he closes his eyes and tries to get himself to relax but he can't.

The tension is still there between them all and no one is speaking or even attempting a conversation because they're still running away, still trying to get somewhere safe. Laura's tense and being careful to not start an argument with Brendan and that means she's not speaking instead she pulls out her phone and starts texting from what he can see. Brendan is driving and seems to be more relaxed than he was in the back but there's still a line to his shoulders that he doesn't like. He doesn't want to talk to Laura because then Brendan will be directly involved in any conversation and everything he wants to talk to Laura about is about his confusion because he can't stop his mind going through everything. Every encounter he's had with Brendan since Ireland. Trying to read it differently, trying to see just if there is anything there that he missed because he has to have missed something.

He tries not to think about every interaction he saw and heard between Brendan and Dean but he's looking for answers and they aren't forth coming because he can't think about them. Can't look into them in detail because it hurts.

He's driving himself mad again, over thinking things so he focuses on the music that's playing and tries to blank everything else out.

He's drowning, everything around his is red. It tastes like copper, he can see Dean's face looking at him, blaming him, the knife going in, the pull out and the blood coming towards him he comes awake panting and struggling.

"Fuck." He mutters and rubs his face.

The car is silent, no music, the engines off, he pushes himself up. Laura and Brendan aren't in the front seats. He pulls himself further up and sighs with relief when he can see Brendan sitting on the bonnet.

He really needs the toilet. He tries to work out the best way of getting out of the back seat, he leans across and pulls the door handle at his feet before pushing it open with his good foot.

"Brendan." He calls because he needs his crutches and they're in the boot.

"What do you need?" Brendan asks appearing at the open door.

"Crutches." He states and shuffles across the back seat until he can get his feet out and he can sit on the edge.

"What do you need them for?"

"I need to go to the toilet." He states shortly because he wants to go to the toilet and he wants his crutches and he doesn't want to be told anything. He just wants to do something that simple without being challenged.

He's in a rotten mood. He can feel it itching under his skin. His ankle is hurting and he's tired and he's just had a nightmare and he's just so fucking frustrated at everything.

"Need a hand?"

"No." He snaps and takes the crutches in his hands ready to push himself up. He gets to the point on putting weight through his hands and his collar bones screams in protests so much so that he falls forward a little. Brendan there, catching him, holding him up.

"Get off." He pushes him away.

"I just want to help Steven." Brendan says softly.

"I don't need your help." He growls.

"Why do you have to be so stubborn?" Brendan replies and tries to help him.

"I said get off." He pushes. "Just…" He takes a deep breath and tries to rein himself back in. Tries to remember that Brendan is hurting and he doesn't need him pushing him but he's struggling to get his temper in check. "Just…" He bites his lip.

"What?" Brendan asks trying to catch his eyes.

"Just stop." He states. Just stop. Just stop everything long enough for him to get a grip again, to know where he is, what he's doing, where he stands, just enough time to work it all out.

"Ste?" Laura approaches with a couple of coffee's and a carrier bag.

Why can't he just go to the toilet instead of it being a drama? Why won't his body cooperate?

She looks at him carefully seems to read something.

"Brendan give us a minuet." Laura states firmly.

Brendan looks like he's going to protest but Laura glares at him and he moves away.

"Take a deep breath." Laura says soothingly and he doesn't want to be soothed he wants… He doesn't know what he wants he just wants something.

"Ste." She prompts and he takes a breath which stutters as he tries.

He's going to crack, he's going to lose it. Everything is so frustrating.

"Breath." She says again.

And this time it doesn't stutter, this time it's easier.

He feels his control coming back. And takes another breath before nodding.

"I'm going to the toilet." He states firmly. "I don't need any help and I can do it by myself."

Laura looks at him and he meets her gaze firmly, he knows that she wants to protest, knows that there is still the threat lingering from Barnet even though they are further away he sees her bury it.

"Fine." She shrugs. "Here." She offers him an arm to balance while he gets his crutches sorted out.

"Won't be long." He states and grimaces against the pain in his collar bone. He takes his time.

"He's not going by himself." Brendan rages. And he's about to round on him.

"Brendan." Laura snaps. "Leave him be. Here drink your coffee."

He continues on his slow progress.

"What if…" He hears Brendan start.

"Brendan. Leave it." She's standing her ground again. "It won't help."

He sighs in relief, to be walking, well hopping around in the fresh air. It takes him an age to get inside even though the car is four cars from the services door. The automatic doors open and he moves inside. He sees the sign for the toilets and takes his time.

People are looking at him, moving around him.

He's washing his hands when it hits him.

He could have died.

Dean could have killed him.

He looks in the mirror. He could have died. He could have died twice.

How did his life turn out like this? How did he get here?

He closes his eyes and sighs, he knows how. He lived it. He sighs at himself and splashes his face with cold water.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone. It's dead. The battery must have given out. He just wants to ring Leah and hear her bitch about Amy, ring Amy and hear her bitch about Leah and Simon and her job and ring Lucas and hear about the latest football boots that he wants but that Amy won't buy him because he tried that one on him last week and when he's offered to buy them Amy had kicked off at him because apparently she had just bought him a pair. He shoves the phone into his pocket and sets about the task of getting back to the car.

As he approaches the exit he can see Laura and Brendan. She's on the phone off sitting on the kerb to the left and Brendan's staring him, although he realises that he's staring at the doors leaning against the car. He sees the moment that Brendan sees him because he stands taller and he looks like he wants to come towards him, takes two steps but stops.

He takes it slowly, his collar bone has hardened up to the pressure using the crutches put's through his shoulder.

He doesn't want to be back in the car just yet, he wants a bit more air, there's a picnic tables to the side and he steadily heads for them. It's a relief to just sit again. He hates crutches. The sun is warming although the breeze is cool and it's a little too cool to be comfortable but he lies back with his legs dangling anyway.

He hears footsteps on the tarmac, then the pavement before he feels the weight of someone sitting on the other bench across from him. He knows it's Brendan without opening his eyes.

"Laura got you a pasty." His voice rumbles.

"Ok." He replies but doesn't move to get it or sit up. He just wants to lie there like there isn't a man after them, like his life isn't on the edge, like Dean never tried to kill him, like everything is alright and sorted.

"Sorry about before." He sighs.

"It's ok." Brendan states.

It's not really, Brendan's got enough on his plate without him kicking off and taking his bad mood out on him despite the fact that Brendan has got a lot to do with his bad mood.

The silence broken only by the rush of traffic from a nearby road, he doesn't even know where they are but it's heavy enough to be motorway traffic.

"I thought we were staying off the M6?"

"Just this stretch until we go west." Brendan replies. "We should get going." It's non to subtle the way he's trying to make him get up and get back into the car and he knows that he should but he just needs a little more time.

"Tony's been trying to ring you." Laura states as she approaches.

"My phone's dead." He replies. "You got his mobile number on yours?" He thinks she does.

"He's at Ill Nosh." She replies.

He opens his eyes to see her offering her phone to him.

Tony's just glad he's alright, he's moved everyone around to cover for his shifts and Marc's agreed to do more just until he's back. Harry's going to be doing the morning shifts as well as opening up and Jenny is going to come in just after the school run and Lori had agreed to be more flexible and split up her shifts. Ravi had agreed to work a few shifts in the SALLT kitchen for Stellato so Jess can work with Tony and Marc as a sous chef on busy nights.

At least he knows that his shifts are covered and Tony's not completely stuck, not that he could do anything if he was.

He sighs and hands Laura her phone back before getting the crutches back to where he needs them to get back up.

Brendan's hovering just behind him, a little too close.

"I'm not going to keel over you know." He states.

Brendan doesn't reply and doesn't back off. He never had much respect for personal space.

He gets into the back seat and sits against the door moving the blanket up so he can keep his leg up, he picks at the pasty Laura got him and takes another pain killer which will have to do him until at least dinner because he's had too many already.

The music really is the only thing keeping silence at bay. He looks out the window and watches as the land changes from a bit hilly and green to very hilly and a bit brown with lushy green in the valleys. He's never been to the Lakes before but he's seen a bit of it on TV. It's beautiful and it makes him feel small when faced with these huge hills, mountains that tower over them.

It takes an hour to get to the village, which is small and pretty and has flowers everywhere. They are nearly at the other side with Laura keeping Brendan right now that the sat nav is useless.

"Just park up here." Laura states and gets out before disappearing around the side of a small cottage. She comes back with a set of keys dropping into the passenger seat. "We want to head back the way we came in and turn left up the hill. It's not far now."

Laura keeps Brendan right as they drive up a one track lane and asks him to stop outside a set of black gates.

Laura get out and opens them with a code. The drive is cut into the bed rock and he can see the bare surface as they drive through it. It opens out onto the side of a big house with a massive conservatory out to the left and a double garage to the right.

He looks to the left and there's a wonderful view down the hill over the village which is mostly hidden and across to a lake a few miles away.

"Have a look around." Laura states as she gets out leaving the car door open and goes to the door at the side of the house hidden under a porch. She comes back as he pushes the door of the back seat open and prepares to get on his crutches again. "Brendan will help unload the car won't you?" Laura says as she gets to the boot and opens it.

"I am your humble servant." Brendan replies sighing and he finds himself rolling his eyes at them.

He feels better now he knows where he is, he'd seen the location roughly and he knows how far from Hollyoaks they are and how to get back down.

He takes his time to get around to the front, not that he can rush anywhere and although it frustrates him no end he knows that there's not a lot he can do about it. His ankle is going to take a while to heal and he's just going to have to put up with it.

The lawn stretches down to a stone wall with a tall hedge at the other side. There's apple trees in the bottom corner. He looks inside the conservatory which has a few seats and a coffee table in it. He can see the kitchen and Laura and Brendan putting the shopping on the island in the middle. He turns back to the garden and that view. He rounds the conservatory and his mouth drops a little. There's a hot tub, a big one with it's cover on, it's surrounded by paving slabs and a few seats above it at the same height as the conservatory is a roof and lined with fairy lights. He moves around it and to one of the metal framed fabric seats.

He sits and looks out across the valley. It's so far removed from what he's used to. Nothing like the council estate, nothing like Hollyoaks. Even though he knows there a village just down the hill it just feels like there's nothing around for miles. He's spent his life surrounded by building and people, here though there aren't many of either.

It's easier to be happy in his own company when there are people around him, sat here he feels alone which is stupid because Laura and Brendan are just a few metres away he reminds himself but he feels alone, it's not as terrifying as it was but it's not comfortable.

He makes his way around back around to the porch, the door is open and he hops inside careful on the wooden floor incase the crutches slip.

The bottom floor is one big room, different sections but still he can see the far wall. There's a sofa and a massive TV at the far end, a kitchen and dining table in the middle which leads to the conservatory and in front of him there's a pool table and there's a book case that lines the wall, there are huge windows which seem to mark each bit of the room. There are three doors at the far end of the room to the side of the TV and he can see a stair case.

Laura is putting the can's in the cupboards.

"There are five bedrooms, I thought one of the ones down stairs would be easiest for you but if you want one of the upstairs or top floor then…"

"Downstairs is fine." He replies moves forward into the kitchen admiring the marble work tops.

"I'm going to go to the shop in a minuet and get the milk and whatever meat you want just make me a list." She points in the general direction of nowhere in particular before loading more cans. "Anyone would think we were trying to survive nuclear warfare the amount of stuff he got."

He picks up her phone and types a quick list into a text message, just the basics, chicken, beef, pork and cream.

"Better too much than not enough." Brendan appears at the bottom of the stairs.

"Not complaining." Laura states quickly, he hands her the phone. "Right pick your room, get settled I won't be long." She looks at the list, the car keys and picks up her handbag and walks out the door.

He shakes his head at her. And wonders when she turned into a whirlwind. The over is top of the range with a ceramic hob. There's a massive American style fridge with an ice maker.

He looks up and Brendan watching him from the bottom of the stairs.

"What?" He asks.

Brendan frowns a bit and shakes his head.

"Got a room picked out?" He asks because there's a silence between them that needs to be filled. "Laura says there's two down here, I take it it's those doors?" He moves across towards them keeping distance between himself and Brendan as he passes. He opens the first and it's a utilities room. Washing machine, dryer, a wine rack. He closes that door and moves across to the next. The room has a double bed, it's not massive but it's more than spacious enough. There's a wardrobe in the corner and a door he gets further into the room and opens the door to a pretty small en suite. He shuts it and gets back out into the main room and Brendan still at the bottom of the stairs, still watching him he goes into the last room and it's huge.

"This is my room." He states as he gets a look inside, it's en suite as well and this one it bigger than the room next door.

He turns and Brendan is putting a bag on the bed. He recognises it as his and he get to it and empties everything onto the bed, sitting on the bed. There's all sorts of stuff that he wouldn't have packed but the basics are there.

"Never let a woman pack for you eh?" He comments and finally in one of the pockets he finds his phone charger and looks around for a plug. It's at an awkward angle where he'll have to get back up.

"Let me." Brendan offers with his hand.

He hesitates. He can do it himself.

"It's putting a plug in a socket Steven. It's not giving you a bed bath."

He ignores the bed bath comment.

"I can do it."

"I didn't say you couldn't." Brendan replies quickly.

He sighs and hands the charger and his phone over. Brendan plugs it in and places it carefully on the floor since the lead won't reach to the bed or the little table with a lamp on it.

Brendan stands and turns, he's looking at him again. There's a thick tension there.

"Which room did you pick?" He asks because he needs to break it.

"I'll take next door."

"Better get your stuff in there then." He states. He just wants to get settled and get Brendan settled. He doesn't want another argument, well he does, no he wants to know but he's scared of the answers and he's not ready for them. He looks up at Brendan.

Brendan nods and goes back out of the room.

The tension is gone with him and he can relax a little. He stuff his clothes back into the bag and drops it to the floor.

He gets back onto his crutches and goes back into the main room dropping on to the huge U shaped dark grey sofa. He picks up the remote, lies back, stuffs a cushion under his ankle and channel hops. There's satellite TV and hundreds of channels to go through.

Brendan comes back out and sits on the other side.

He settles on an American chat show for a bit of light relief and because he wants to focus on other people's problems for a bit.

"I can't believe you're watching this." Brendan sighs.

He shrugs and he winces as his collar bone aches.

"Do you want another pain killer?" Brendan asks immediately.

"No, it's fine." He replies and tries to work out if the fat guy really managed to get the very pretty but slightly dense woman into bed like her husband thinks. Her husband's pretty good looking although more than a little whiny and the fat guy really hasn't got much going for him so he's putting money on the wife sleeping with him.

"You shouldn't be in pain." Brendan says quietly.

"I've taken too many already." He replies trying to keep his irritation out of his tone.

"What about…"

"Brendan I'm fine." He snaps.

"You're not…"

"Brendan don't alright just don't." He put everything into it.

"So you can ask me if I'm fine and push it but I can't?"

"Brendan." He growls.

"Steven." He replies firmly, irritation clear.

"You want to go another round? Do you?" He doesn't want to but he will if Brendan keeps it up.

"I just want to know if you are alright and get the truth. Is that too much to ask?"

He closes his eyes and clenches his teeth. He sits up and turns so his feet are on the floor and he hands clench in the cushions of the sofa.

"You want to know the truth?" He asks.

Brendan's challenging him, pushing him and he looks like he's ready to take everything he can throw at him. Like he wants him to rip him apart, like he's waiting for him to lay into him. He's not going to. He's not giving Brendan what he wants, he's not being played.

He blows out a breath to calm himself down.

"My ankle hurts and my collar bone is sore other than that I'm fine."

"Really?" Brendan's still pushing and he's not sure his self-control is that good, that he can out last him. "Dean drove you into a wall, tried to kill you and you're fine?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"This?" Brendan's trying to look innocent.

"Why are you fucking pushing me?"

"Because I'm sick of you being angry at me!" Brendan roars.

He tongues at his teeth gives himself a moment before replying.

"I'm sorry that you're sick of it." He can't believe he's managing to stay so calm, the anger is burning in his chest and it's waiting to be unleashed waiting to destroy but he can't because he knows that this could be about Dean, Brendan's guilty and not about him and that's not fair. Brendan doesn't get to use his anger to feel bad about what happened to another man.

"You sound it."

"Do you think I'm not sick of it? Do you think that I want to feel like this? That I want it eating my insides? Because I don't but you do not get me to make you feel worse about yourself for what happened to Dean."

Brendan looks confused then shakes his head.

"This isn't about Dean. This is about us. You and me."

"There is no us… You decided that."

"Did you think I wanted that?"

"Well since that's what happened and since you decided then yeah Brendan I think you got exactly what you wanted, but then you always do."

Brendan gets up and paces rubbing his jaw.

"I never ever gave up on you." He states firmly. "I never gave up on us that was you."

Brendan stops dead and turns towards him.

"It was you Brendan."

"No… No."

"Deny it all you want it was you that cut me out of your life, not me."

"I did it for you."

He's heard that one before and he's still not fucking buying it.

"No you did it for you, you didn't want me and it was the easiest way to get rid of me."

"Is this what's in your head?"

"Did you ever love me?" That's what's in his head, has been there for a while.

"I can't believe you're asking me that."

"Can't even answer it can you? Can't think of a lie quick enough?"

Brendan pins him with a stare.

"I have never and will never love anyone more than I love you."

He's so firm, so sure but it's not enough, because however much he wants to believe it he can't. He needs more than that.

"Took a while that." He comments.

"What do you want from me?!"

"The truth."

"I've told you the truth…" He shakes his head and raises his arms then slaps them back down. "It's doesn't matter does it Steven because no matter what I say you aren't going to believe me… I chose you, when Dean gave me the choice I chose you, does that mean nothing to you?"

"So this is about him."

"No. Fuck."

Brendan is walking away, he's heading for the door.

"Go on then run away."

"I'm not running."

"Yeah you are."

Brendan looks like he's going to argue back but he shakes his head and walks out the door.

* * *

Author Notes (or should that be novel): I got to the Lakes and them into an argument... This is going to get rough... why am I warning about it? This story has obviously been an absolute joy ride so far, you know all the happiness that Ste's had. All the lovely peaceful moments that he and Brendan have had, all the copious amounts of sex that isn't dream or memory, I don't know how you are still reading this fic cos it hasn't half been miserable.

I'm being careful not to repeat Ireland's argument, well series of arguments but some of the same things will come up because Brendan needs to get his say or at least a more detailed explanation.

And the hot tub is for reason, not that one, get your minds out of the gutter... It's actually something that is from a decision I made about 30 chapters ago and it was meant for Ireland originally but the situation never arose to use it although I tried to get it in but it never fit properly so it's coming up in this section...

In pretty exciting news for me (hence this novel for notes) I have my ending of this fic officially plotted in detail instead of just the gist and all ends tied up, well as tied up as they were ever going to get. It could take 20 chapters or it could take 49 more (considering that I've been saying that the answers are coming for what seems like forever and I'm still not there, I'm not putting a limit on how long it's going to take), I have enough idea's to push this on for a long while (that section 6 that I've been threatening) and still use the ending (the details might have to alter a bit) that I am pretty happy with, just depends when you get sick of this or when I feel like I've taken this as far as I can.


	50. Chapter 50

Thank you for your reviews, much appreciated as they provide much needed motivation when I suffer from writers block, just came out of nowhere. Sat to start writing this chapter and nothing, usually it comes pretty easily and I've got the ending so I don't know what the problem is or maybe that's the problem, I don't know, it's very frustrating, maybe it's pay back for my frustrating style, anyway I just couldn't write anything until tonight when I sat down and made myself so this chapter is possibly not up to scratch for that reason, it certainly didn't come naturally. Still struggling so I might need a few days to write the next chapter. I am determined to get this written though.

* * *

He punches the sofa cushions in frustration. Why couldn't he just keep control? Why did Brendan have to push? Brendan knows his temper so why does he have to push him? What did he think it would achieve? Did he think that if they had a fight that everything would be sorted out? That it would be that simple? Christ and people think he's naïve. He shakes his head and slumps back into the sofa.

He takes and deep breath and rolls his eyes at himself, now he can't help the anxiety in his stomach because Brendan's gone, out of sight and he doesn't know where he is or what he's going, can't bare the thought that something could happen, that Brendan could leave and never come back.

He doesn't want that however he needed Brendan to make up his mind. He was either in his life, part of his life or not there at all. Maybe it would be better to have his life and let Brendan have his and whenever they met it would be plain that there was something there years ago but not now, but it's not like that. It's never going to be like that because even after all this time there was something still there. It's always going to be there for him and now he's starting to think but not hope that Brendan's in the same boat. That there's more there than something. Brendan says he loves him, would take a bullet for him, would do anything for him but so much has happened so many things have gotten in the way, so many people. So many doubts and so much damage done that he's not sure he can bring himself to dare believe Brendan. Fears believing him because if he believes him he's opening himself up to a potensial world of pain because Brendan will leave again.

He wasn't enough to keep Brendan in his life before and although he's changed he's still not going to be enough. He's never going to be enough for a man like Brendan he may as well face it.

He's too old for Brendan's tastes, too stubborn, too annoying, too easy to anger, too stupid, he's never going to be enough to keep Brendan happy. Dean said it himself. Like he could keep a man like Brendan, he'd already proven that he couldn't.

So he's not going after him, he can come back on his own. What if he doesn't? What if? He stops himself, he doesn't know and going after him isn't going to change things. Brendan will either come back on his own or he won't. He wants him to, but what he wants doesn't matter.

"Tea?" Laura shocks him. Asking him with milk in hand, putting the shopping bags down. "I got some sausage, bacon and some burgers as well, I know not on your list but I saw them and they look really nice."

He looks over his shoulder at her as she puts white plastic bags into the fridge and flicks the kettle on.

"Tea?" She asks again frowning at him and he can see her about to ask so he cuts her off.

"Yeah please." He doesn't want tea but if she's making tea she's not looking at him.

She brings the cups across and sit to his left on the back line of the U. She knows something happened but she's not saying anything. She looks up at the screen and watches as a woman cries her heart out on the presenters shoulder about how she thinks her husband is messing around with her sister.

The husband comes out to boo's and starts mouthing off about how he's never been interested in her sister. Yeah right.

"Not guilty at least not with the sister." Laura comments.

He frowns and shakes his head out of the mess of his life.

"What?"

"He's got more chemistry with the presenter than his wife I reckon he's gay."

He watches lets himself be distracted and it works a bit but it doesn't take away the disappointment in himself, with himself. The sisters boyfriend comes out and he can see it, the guilt written right across his face. He looks at Laura and smiles a little bit.

"He's going with the husband."

She nods and smiles back.

He sits and tries to concentrate on the TV but he can't because Brendan isn't back and the anxiety is rising with every passing moment. He shouldn't have… No. Brendan wanted the argument and he got one, he didn't say anything untrue although he knows that Brendan wasn't talking about Dean, but it he was too angry at that point and too afraid of what Brendan meant, what it could mean that he'd gone on the defence, best form of defence, attack.

"I take it you failed to stop kicking off at Brendan which is why he's pacing up and down the drive." Laura comments.

The relief takes some of the tension out of his shoulders. At least he's still around. Although he hasn't got a choice because if he leaves where is he going to go? How is he going to get there? He hasn't got a car. Maybe he's pacing the drive because he's realised that he hasn't got a car and he needs to plan to leave instead of just doing it.

He starts channel hopping again to distract himself from the idea that Brendan's planning his escape but ends up back on the chat show and that's not going to hold his attention.

He needs to harden himself up, get that wall back up. The wall that he used to keep his heart behind with Jamie so he couldn't hurt him. The Brendan wall is half built in a state of disarray but he can get something sorted out, it's never going to be as strong, it's never going to stop everything Brendan can hurt him with, not when Brendan is already inside but it will be enough to keep the big hits out, lessen the blows.

"When do you want dinner?" Because he may as well be useful, prove that he's worth something even when he's not enough for the man he loves.

"Whenever." She replies.

He gets up onto his crutches and hops across to the fridge. The crutches are going to be a problem, they're going to drive him up the wall but if there's no hurry then he won't rush himself. But as he looks at the kitchen, the distance between the sink and the hob which wouldn't be a problem except he's on crutches and he needs both of his hands for those he knows what he has to do…

"Over on." He states. She stares at him. "If you're eating you're helping…" She also helped put the shopping away so she'll know where everything is so he won't have to search. She nods easily. "Is there a deep baking dish around?"

She turns the oven on and starts looking through the cupboards next to the sink.

"That one?" She holds up a white dish that's just about the size he was looking for.

"Yep. A frying pan?" She pulls out the deep draw next to the oven which he notices is full of various pans and pulls out the frying pan. "Can you get me two tins of chopped tomatoes, an onion, carrots, celery…? Burgers out of the fridge?"

Comfort food is what he wants and although he's going to tart it up a bit so it's a bit more of a challenge and he'll have to concentrate, it's basically comfort food…

"Hang on I'm not a commie." She replies collecting what he wants from various cupboards, he watches to learn the cupboard layout.

"Olive oil?" He asks as he pulls a knife from the block and tests it with his thumb, nowhere near as sharp he's used to but then this is someone else's domestic kitchen, it's sharp enough.

"Basil, that wine rack got a bottle of red in it?"

"Should do." She goes to look.

"Cheap will do." He calls as he's frying off the burgers quickly just to get some colour on them, he doesn't want them breaking up when he bakes them. Once they're cooked enough, not right the way through but not raw he sets them in the baking dish and sets about the source. He fries off the onion before adding all the other ingredients, a couple of glasses of wine, a bit of basil and some sugar to sweeten the tomatoes a bit, salt, pepper tastes it to check the seasoning then pours it over the burgers and gets Laura to put it in the oven.

"Potatoes?" He asks and Laura gets them. "Scrub them, don't peel." He hands her a knife.

"I'm glad I don't work in your kitchen." She smiles brightly and turns the tap on filling the sink

"Not too many." He states hopping around the other side of the island because now the dish is in the over he can sit down and take the weight off his right leg which was starting to feel the pressure. "We're not feeding an army."

He sees Brendan out the corner of his eye, leaning against the pool table watching them with a sort of sad look on his face. He licks at his lip. Brendan's escape is obviously on hold, and until he goes, they are stuck here until the Barnet thing is sorted he reminds himself firmly. He can at least be civil. He doesn't want to keep tearing lumps out of Brendan even if that's what Brendan wants him to. He's got more than enough ammunition but it's not worth it. He doesn't want Brendan leaving with only his bitterness as a memory. He wants Brendan to remember him for some good reasons not as that scally that wants good enough for him, who got him sent down, who he killed for but wasn't worth the hastle, wasn't worth the jail time, wasn't worth losing years of his life to. Brendan's going to leave but until then… He takes a deep breath then turns to him.

"You planning on helping?" He asks and he sees Laura's head whip round out the corner of his eye.

"No good in the kitchen Steven you know that." There's self-deprecation there and he doesn't want that, doesn't want Brendan dwelling on his words because then he's punishing himself and using him to do it. Not when he's going to leave him again…

"Yeah crème brulee because of the blow torch I know." He replies. "You can put water on to boil though."

Brendan looks confused.

"A pan with some water." He states gesturing to the hob.

Brendan smiles, it's barely there but he can see it then nods and walks into the kitchen area checking the draws.

"That one?" He asks holding up a medium sized pan which isn't quite what he had in mind.

"Bigger if there is one."

Brendan picks up another pan and he nods.

"Laura you better not be peeling." He states because she's taking an awfully long time.

"Course not chef." She replies with more than a little cheek.

He gets back up and walks around to pick up a few potatoes that she's managed to scrub the nasty bits off, he needs to get them to the board but with the crutches he can't carry them, he not even going to try.

"Brendan, can you?"

Brendan nods and picks up the potatoes he points to.

"On the board please."

"How come he gets a please?" Laura exclaims in mock outrage.

He rolls his eyes and makes his way to the island and the chopping board.

"Braking tray?" He asks.

"Top draw Brendan." Laura replies bringing the last of the potatoes over.

He chops the potatoes into wedges and drops them into the boiling water taking a look at the clock. He hops back around to the stool.

Brendan and Laura are waiting for their next instructions. It's just like having inexperienced commies and it's something he knows, something comfortable, being in control of a kitchen.

"Laura put the baking dish on the bottom shelf," she goes to do it and he adds on "please. Is there some paprika in the spice rack?" He didn't have it on the list but having clocked the spice rack he's hopeful.

Brendan checks the spice rack and turns around with a little tub in hand.

He glances at the clock again.

"What's next?"

"Waiting on the potatoes to par boil. Is there a colander?" He asks, maybe as well since he has their rapped attention. Laura pulls it out from under the sink.

"Time to mix a drink?" She asks although she's already moving.

"Knock yourself out." He says because it's all under control.

"That would be the plan… Brendan?" She asks.

"Beer." He replies.

"Ste?"

"What is there?" He asks.

"Sloe Gin, Whiskey," yeah he thought there would be, he wonders just how many bottles Brendan bought to drown himself in, "Bacardi, Vodka which reminds me." She disappears off upstairs.

He shakes his head and Brendan's looking at him.

"I don't know." He says in reply to the silent question.

He glances at the clock again.

"Skittle Vodka." Laura states as she comes back into the kitchen carrying two bottles one bright yellow the other bright green. She puts the green in the fridge. "It's strong, Callum made them for me with some top class Russian Vodka for my birthday bit of a waste of top class vodka but it's great stuff." She goes to the ice marker with a glass. "Brendan?" She asks.

Brendan shakes his head.

"Ste?"

"Go on then." He may as well try it since she went to the trouble of going for it although he knows it was for her anyway. Brendan tenses and he's sure he wants to say something, and he's sure he's not going to like it, possibly something about mixing drugs and alcohol but he holds back and Ste relaxes a little. He's leaving why should he be saying anything about how he chooses to live his life? The decisions he makes are his. He wants to mix drugs and alcohol then that's up to him.

She comes back to the island, getting two tall glasses from the cupboard, a big bottle of lemonade. She puts ice in the glasses and a shot of vodka in each before handing one to him.

"Taste it before I put the lemonade in." She states. "It's strong mind." She cautions.

"I'm not going to down it." Although the thought did cross his mind. He knows that she wouldn't warn him if there wasn't a reason. He rolls his eyes and takes a sip that hits the back of his throat hard. It's smooth but very strong and very sweet. "Wow."

"Yep." She smiles and tops the glass to just shy of the rim with lemonade before filling her glass three quarters full.

"Brendan can you take the wedges off the boil." He asks because Laura is too busy trying to find the perfect balance off vodka to lemonade. By the look of it, its far more vodka than lemonade. She takes a mouthful and nods to herself. He takes a mouthful of his drink and steals the bottle to top his up with the skittle vodka.

He gets up and hops back around the island.

"Can you drain them off for me?" He asks because again his bloody ankle isn't going to let him carry a boiling pan to the sink without drama, or a serious accident. He sighs, there's nothing he can do about it, he reminds himself. He stands next to the baking tray. Brendan brings the colander over and places it next to him. Standing a little too close but he's not going to say anything and he's not admitting to himself that he actually doesn't mind. If Brendan's next to him then he knows where he is and can see what he's doing and he hasn't left yet. He may as well take what he can get before he does.

He spreads the wedges out, spread oil, paprika, salt and pepper all over them. He tosses them about until they're all covered and hands them to Brendan as he goes and washes the oil off his hands.

"Top shelf." He states. He glances at the clock. "Right then dinner will be about half an hour."

He makes his way back over to the sofa and takes up the spot he was on where the cushions are already set. Laura sits to his left again and Brendan sits across from him tapping his foot and bouncing the can of beer on his knee slightly. He's not even sure if Brendan knows he's doing it.

It must be a marathon because the America chat show is still on, he takes a sip of his drink because he can't down it, it's too sweet and it'll be too obvious.

There's a tension in the air sat over them, surrounding them, Brendan and him, Brendan and Laura and he's not sure how to break it because he's enjoyed himself ordering them around in the kitchen, enjoyed being useful, making something and now they aren't trying to get something done together there's no distraction. He's not sure he even wants to attempt to because Brendan's going to be leaving soon and there's so much left to say that maybe it's better to say nothing at all.

"He's banging the neighbour." Laura states plainly shocking him.

He catches up with the story about a wife convinced that his husbands having an affair and the next door neighbour is there to support her but as he watches he picks up on it too. There's the little looks. Turns out on lie detector that the husband is having an affair but it's not confirmed who with.

The next one is another fat bloke this time convinced his slinky blonde very chesty far too young for him girlfriend is cheating on him.

He glances at Brendan who still looks way too tense and is looking in his direction with too much sitting behind his eyes. Things he wants to say but won't. Story of their time together. Brendan holding out on him, not that it matters now.

The fat bloke says their sex life was good but now it's not.

"She has to have been riding him or he was doing her from behind because otherwise he'd crush her."

He glances across at Brendan and catches his shock turn into shake of the head and a smile. There's a memory to keep.

"He's sleeping with her best friend anyway." Laura points out.

"I suppose being a councillor has to be useful for something." Brendan states and it's not light. It's not like he's joining in, it's like it's a direct attack and he curses under his breath because he doesn't want this, doesn't want Brendan attacking Laura for no good reason, not when he's not going to be here very much longer. It's so pointless.

"It is, I mean how else could I watch this without the added intrigue of being able to read people?" Laura replies and she's not light either but she's not confronting Brendan just standing her ground.

"What can you read about me?" Brendan asks tensely.

"I'm off the clock." She raises her drink a little.

Brendan snorts a little, disbelief is written across his face.

"What can you read about me?" She asks turning it around. "Everyone does it. It's instinct so what do you read about me?"

"You don't like me." Brendan states.

Why does that matter? In fact, he's not sure Laura does dislike Brendan she's been pretty neutral. The only conflict has been because of their strong personalities and Laura is the one in control of the Barnet situation, she's the one who had this house stashed away and Brendan didn't. Brendan has never liked dancing to the beat of someone else's drum.

"Liking or not liking people is to do with knowing them." He winces a little at her tone, she's not being serious enough and Brendan's going to think she's taking it lightly when he's so obviously serious. "I don't know you. I know your reputation, I know what Ste's told me but I don't really know you so I can't dislike you. I am cautious about you but then you're a convicted murderer, a violent man and you work for a man who likes his employee's with not many morals but strong convictions…"

"I thought you didn't know me?" Brendan interrupts her and there's a coldness that he gets when he's on the defence. That hasn't changed.

"I know you punched a wall by my head in the hospital and I know Mr Arthur well but I don't know you, you must have redeeming features because Ste wouldn't care about your safety if you didn't." She states. "He wouldn't have insisted you came with us. And since he knows you, I'm going on his judgement."

She puts her drink down and leans forward, looks Brendan dead in the eye.

"That being said you hurt him, make it clear that you're not worth his care… I will bury you myself."

"Laura." He says softly. He doesn't want her threatening Brendan, not when he knows that she would follow through, not when he knows that Brendan's leaving.

He doesn't want or need her protection either, but then it wasn't that long ago he was threatening Callum with something similar so he lets it go.

"Just so you know." She says, picks up her drink and leans back.

Brendan flicks his teeth and nods.

He looks between them, something has shifted, the tension is still there but it's like there's an understanding now and he can sit back in his seat a little easier.

He gets Laura to turn the wedges and make sure the bake is alright and get him a double vodka with a bit of lemonade because it'll take too long to get drunk on skittle vodka when he can't down it.

"I'm just going to ring Callum." She says as she heads off upstairs. "I'll be back down in a minuet."

He may as well get it over with then.

"When are you leaving?" He asks looking at his drink but when Brendan doesn't reply he looks up.

Brendan frowning at him.

"Leaving?"

"Well yeah, sure you've managed to get someone to come and get you."

"Is that what you want? You want me to leave?"

"You are anyway." He shrugs.

"I'm not going anywhere Steven."

"But…"

"I don't know what's going on that head of yours but I'm not going anywhere while this Barnet problem isn't resolved."

Oh of course. Brendan can't go yet because Barnet's still baying for their blood. He can't go because it's not safe for him.

"Well Laura will get that sorted."

Brendan frowns at him.

"You won't be stuck here for very long." Laura will get it sorted quickly because well she's Laura and her family connections well they count and she said she would so she will.

"I'm not stuck here now." Brendan replies then glances up. "I'm here because you asked me to be not because I need Laura's help. If you don't want me here then I can go."

He doesn't know quite what he wants. He wants Brendan around so he knows that he's safe, knows that he's alright but maybe it's better if he leaves now stops this dragging out any longer than it needs to.

"What about Barnet?"

"Barnet doesn't matter."

"But if he…"

"Steven, Barnet is not why I'm here. I didn't need to leave, I could have stayed and sorted something myself. You asked so I came."

"Why though?"

"Because if I'm here with you I know you're safe…" He scratches at the back of his head. "Fuck it, I thought if we could spend some time together maybe you would calm down and talk to me, you know instead of shouting."

Laura comes back down the stairs.

"Check the wedges." Ste says immediately because he needs an out, just enough time to think. He hears Brendan sigh heavily but he's not looking.

"Ready." Laura takes them out and puts the tray on the hob. "I'll put it all on the table so we can help ourselves yeah?"

She puts the bake out on a cooling rack in the centre of the dining table and puts the wedges in a bowl, put plates out and cutlery.

He struggled back onto his crutches and around to sit at the table.

No one's talking. Brendan's shovelling food into his mouth with an enthusiasm that's familiar even after so long, a little warming that he's managed to do something for him. Laura's tapping at her phone and he's looking at the pair of them to start a conversation.

"What did Callum have to say?" He asks, that'll do.

"Not a lot." She shrugs. He gives her a look to get her to carry on with something. Something to break the silence. "Karl on the other hand is doing his nut at me, you can't just leave your patients when you like and all that stuff but I explained that it was an emergency and I haven't done it just for kicks. He's got Anna to cover my patients until I get back."

"Any idea when that will be?" He asks.

"It's on hold a couple of days to see what Barnet actually does. He's upset a few people by throwing his weight around so they're all watching his next move." She sighs. "David Morris is a friend of Rory's apparently." She states harshly. "Which means that Rory's got a man on the inside of the Barnet camp."

"But didn't Morris work for Shane?" He's sure he did.

"Yep. And he was there that night, you know…" She eyes Brendan carefully who is listening intently.

"Yeah." He nods understanding. Morris was there the night that Shane tried to rape her. "So…?"

"Not a lot I can do about it. Dad's backing Rory's contact. Zac and Tate are contacts of mine and I'm tapping them and they say that Barnet's at home with Fred and Rick and hasn't been out of the house since he got there after leaving the hospital. He doesn't want anyone else there. So he's not moving and just about every one of his brain trust are accounted for except Jak Slater."

"Slater is in Turkey." Brendan states. Laura nods.

"Bottom line is that we'll have to wait and see." She states.

When they're all finished, Laura clears the table and puts the dishes in the dishwasher while he makes his way back to the sofa and tries to find something to watch.

Brendan brings a bottle of whiskey over and a tumbler. Laura brings the vodka and the lemonade. They sit in the same places as before although Brendan had hesitated before sitting across from him like he was going to sit next to him but changed his mind.

He channel hops again trying to find something decent settling on some drama which looks alright from the minuet he's seen so far.

It's just starting to get dark and Laura steps over the back of the sofa to pull the curtains and turn the main lights off.

He takes another pain killer as his ankle is starting to throb again and pushes another cushion under his head so he can lie further back.

They sit watching the TV although it's hardly riveting but it's easy to watch, they've got drinks and it's still a little too tense to be comfortable but it's better than it's been all day.

Laura gives up and goes to bed around eleven, locking the doors and showing them where the keys stay, in a small fruit bowl that sits in the book shelves and saying that she'll be going for a run in the morning early on so not to worry if they get up and she's not in and that she won't be going too far.

Just Brendan and him left, he pours himself another drink and waits. Waits for Brendan to outline his plan, once Barnet is no longer a threat and Brendan knows he's safe, well then he'll leave him to his life again. He just wants to know the when so he can prepare for it unlike last time although since he knows it's coming he supposes he is ready for it this time.

"How did you two meet?" Brendan asks and that wasn't what he was expecting.

He frowns, surely Brendan knows although he can't remember saying anything. Laura mustn't have said anything either.

"Laura was my councillor." He shrugs and it's so nice that there isn't a flash of pain. The pain killers and a bit of vodka are doing their jobs.

"Your…" Brendan starts then stops frowning.

"I went through a bad patch and she helped me through it."

"But you're…"

"We're what?"

Brendan makes a hand gesture and he's not quite sure what it means but he read it as 'close'.

"We're friends if that's what you're aiming at."

Brendan purses his lips and nods a little.

"Didn't think she'd be your kind of person."

"What a councillor?"

Brendan takes a drink.

"That but more that she's a violent sadistic bitch, or at least she was."

"That was then." He knows who she was, what she was.

"So you know that then? Didn't think she'd be very forthcoming on that."

"Yeah well there's not a lot we don't know about each other." Because neither of them knows everything about each other but what he doesn't know doesn't matter, because she's proven herself to him.

"Do you know what she did to…"

"Brendan stop alright. Stop trying to, I don't know put her down or whatever because I know her and she's been there for me." Put up with a lot, his rages, a beating… No Brendan doesn't get to take that, he doesn't get try and take it from him because he'll need her when Brendan leaves.

"And I wasn't." He nods and lets out a bitter sigh. "Saint Laura Ellington, must admit it's a new one."

"I never said she was a saint. I'm just saying I know alright. I know about her past, her Dad…"

"Did you know she had a man put in hospital with brain damage?"

"Yes I do."

"And that doesn't bother you?"

"Yeah," honestly it does, "but I've hardly got a spotless record." Wonders if Brendan is remembering him hitting him with a baseball bat? Wonders if he's forgotten although it's not something someone just forgets. "Look Brendan it's been a long day and I'm tired and I just want to watch a bit of TV. I don't want to sit here and defend my friend to you but I will and you'll lose Bren because whatever you say about Laura she's never done anything but stick by me even when I didn't deserve it. She's never let me down."

"Not like me." He sighs heavily and knocks back the rest of the whiskey in his glass. "For what's it worth I'm sorry about that Steven. Never meant to let you down... Night." He picks up the bottle on his way to his room.

"Brendan wait." He doesn't want him to walk away… He sighs at himself. Brendan is always going to walk away, always going to break his heart so why can't he just let him go before he does that? Why is he so insistent on torturing himself? Mainly because he can't bare the look of hurt on Brendan's face. Can't bare to hurt him, even with the truth. He never meant for it to come out that way.

Brendan turns and looks at him. The hurt is still there and it's like a physical blow to his stomach, the proof that he's hurt Brendan and not for the first time.

"No point in trying to lie Steven. I know I let you down." He disappears into his darkened room and shuts the door.


	51. Chapter 51

Thank you for your reviews. Sorry this has taken so long but I just haven't been able to get what needs to happen in the next few chapters right in my head so I haven't been able to write them or even start until yesterday, then I couldn't get this right but I had to post something to get me and this moving again or I was going to keep tying myself in knots.

* * *

He leans back on the sofa and sighs. What's he meant to do with that? Brendan's sorry for letting him down, even hurt that he pointed it out. It's not like he meant to it's not like he was trying to hurt him it was just that Brendan was trying to… He doesn't even know what Brendan was trying to do. Test him and Laura? Try and put a wedge between them? Try and ruin their friendship by testing to see if he knows about Laura's past. He doesn't understand what he was trying to do or why he was trying to do it.

But he looked so hurt, so upset that he had let him down. He's apologised for letting him down. Although there are so many ways he's done that over the last few months and before that he doesn't know which time Brendan was referring to and that makes it worth almost nothing without knowing which time. He has to wonder if Brendan even knows half of the times, like he does.

He can count them just as plainly as the times he's let Brendan down. He knows fine well that he had let Brendan down but he had tried to make up for it, tried to restore the damage he had down. He didn't want to let Brendan down, never wanted to but sometimes things just happen and he can't help his reaction. Can hate his reaction but he can't change it, he always tried to explain it though.

Brendan just apologises when he has to, when it's too late, or not at all.

He reaches for the vodka bottle. He's so tired, sore, tired and confused and so tired of tying himself in knots trying to work Brendan out, spent years trying to and never managed it so he just can't bring himself to think about it anymore, not tonight. Not when his body is sore and his mind is so mixed up with everything happening.

He can't be bothered to go to bed. Can't find the energy to get back onto his crutches, hop his way to his room and to his bed until he is no longer in danger from Barnet, it's no more than ten metres and he still can't be bothered. He just wants to lie there. He's sore but just about as comfortable as he can imagine getting, he doesn't want to move. If he moves then his collar bone will wake up and his ankle will start up again at the moment it's a sharp ache.

He takes another pull from the bottle and another hoping that it might just dull his mind enough to sleep. He wants to sleep.

He goes to put the bottle down on the floor next to him but it falls and knocks heavily on the wood. He sighs at himself and picks it back up lies back and flicks through the channels again since he may as well. Nothing better to do. He picks something that looks like it will bore him to sleep.

He must have dosed off but something wakes him. The TV is still playing but the volume is off which causes him to frown, he didn't turn it down. It's lighting the room just enough to see the outline of things and the floor. He has a faint hang over building. He really needs a glass of water. He pushes up from the cushions and the stiffness from the day before is multiplied by a hundred and everything aches. His ankle is throbbing slightly. He checks his pockets and the pain killers are still there but his mouth is so dry there's no way he can take them without a drink.

The crutches or a gamble on hopping without them… He looks at his route and there are enough surfaces that he can get a hold of if he loses his balance so he pushes his aching body along the sofa to the end and pushes himself up onto his good foot taking a moment to settle his stomach, he places his left foot down only the toes and checks just how bad it is, how useless but even though it's throbbing it doesn't spike with pain when he just uses the tip of his foot. At least he knows it's not a full on hop to the sink he can rest a bit of weight on his left leg.

He still hops grabbing at the island then the sink as he makes his way to the tap. He takes a cup from the stand and winces slightly as it clinks. He drinks a mouthful of water before dropping the pain killer onto his tongue and swallowing, it gets stuck half way and he has to down the rest of the cup before he can feel it's dislodged. He turns and almost jumps out of his skin.

Brendan is still in the conservatory, he's facing away from him looking out across the valley lit up in the moon light. It's barely enough to see with the clouds rushing past it but it's enough to see the outlines. There are barely any lights from houses, it strikes him how remote this place really is. No street lighting which has been like a constant in his life. It's like a different world.

He frowns because Brendan hasn't even acknowledged him, he bites at his bottom lip in indecision whether to say something or not.

"Can't sleep?" He asks and his voice booms in the silence of the house even though he's trying to be quiet and he winces a bit.

Brendan shakes his head slightly, just enough that he can see it.

He licks his lips and hops his way across to the island, the dining room table then across to the opposite sofa to Brendan in the conservatory putting his feet up as the evaluation seems to have helped his ankle a bit so he may as well keep it up.

He doesn't know why but it seems important that he's there, in the same space just some feeling that's radiating off Brendan that there's something wrong and that he shouldn't be left alone to dwell although he was in the same room he wasn't close enough, he had to be closer, just something in his gut telling him.

They sit in silence, Brendan watching out the window, him watching Brendan for something, some indication of what was wrong.

He shifts in his seat a little and Brendan looks across at him shaking his head and smiling a bit.

"What?" He frowns.

"Can't handle silence can you?" He says and his voice is filled with amusement.

"Just not used to it that's all." He shrugs and winces. Bloody collar bone.

"I'm still getting used to it." Brendan replies quietly. "It's never quiet inside."

"Yeah." He remembers, still remembers but then he's been scared out of his mind most nights in there so it's not really a surprise that he can recall it so clearly.

Brendan nods.

"It was the first year that was the worst." Brendan states. "Took a year to get used to, never really got used to it though, but it was enough to at least sleep."

His heart clenches. It still hurts him to think of Brendan in there, even though he's out. To suffer that, even though he wasn't innocent, even though he had killed, it just made him ache for him. Made the guilt rise because it was his fault that Brendan had been in there. If it wasn't for him he never would have killed Danny.

"The noise. Just…" He shakes his head. "I can still hear it sometimes, just noise…"

"Yeah but you're not in there anymore, it'll fade." It will, it might take a long time but it would eventually fade.

Brendan blows out a breath.

"Dean could never settle…" He stops and looks at him and shakes his head. "Shouldn't be talking about him… I mean he tried to take you away from me."

He didn't want to talk about Dean for fear that he wouldn't be able to cope with it. Hearing about him. He just couldn't stand it.

But Brendan needed to talk about him, it was written in his body language. He didn't want to, not with him but there was no one else and he was there.

"He didn't though." He states as evenly as he can manage.

"It was my fault, I'm sorry." He's already said that, already blamed himself and he still doesn't want to hear that because it was Dean who tried to kill him and Dean who had killed himself, for Brendan but Brendan hadn't asked him to.

"He wasn't all there Bren."

Brendan snorts a sad sounding puff of a laugh and looks at him.

"He wasn't." He insists because he has to stop Brendan taking the blame for Dean's choices.

"I know." Brendan sighs and rubs his jaw. "I tried… I tried so hard to fix him but…" He shakes his head. "I couldn't. He just… It was like I was everything to him."

"Thought you would want that." It's bitter. He shouldn't have said it but it's something that he had to say. Brendan must have loved that kind of attention, full on, total unbreakable need. It was something that he had never provided, something that he couldn't offer, he would never top himself because Brendan rejected him. He had been through all that, thought about it but could never would never do that. It just wasn't in him. He had needed Brendan but it wasn't, it had felt like it at the time but it wasn't the end of his life when Brendan had cut him off. He had gone off the rails badly but killing himself was not an option. It could have happened, an OD or something but he would never stick a knife in his throat because Brendan chose someone else.

"I thought that for a long time but I didn't want it." Brendan replies. "I wanted him to get back on his feet, I wanted him to be able to live his life but… he just couldn't."

"You waited for him at the prison gates though so you did want that kind of love." He challenges because Brendan moved in with Dean, built a life with him. If that wasn't what he wanted then why would be do that?

"It wasn't love Steven. It wasn't. It was obsession and I know the difference, _I_ know the difference." He shakes his head and frowns at him. "I didn't wait for him… Where did you hear that?"

"Dean told me."

"I didn't wait for him, we met outside a few weeks after he was released when I was working for Anthony…" He frowns at him. "Dean… Steven you can't believe everything he said to you. He would say anything, everything, he just wanted to hurt you, push you away from me."

"He didn't need to." He states. Brendan did a great job of that himself.

"He…" Brendan shakes his head. "I know Steven alright I know what I did I never…"

"Not tonight alright, just not tonight." He cuts him off. "I think we could just do with some sleep."

Brendan nods then looks unsure for a split second.

"You go I think I'll just sit here a bit longer."

He shakes his head at him.

"You need sleep." He states because he can see the weariness in Brendan's features, can see it in his shoulders can read it so he isn't going to let Brendan sit up and torture himself, not under the same roof as him.

"So do you." Brendan states throwing it back at him, being stubborn.

"Then come and watch a film with me, I'm not going to be able to get to sleep in silence." He states although he's knackered and hung over and knows fine well that if he went to bed now he'd manage to get to sleep, but it's a way of getting Brendan out of the conservatory out of the shadow of his thoughts and into a distraction.

Brendan looks at him carefully, considering him and for half a second he thinks that he's going to say no. But he nods.

"And you can go get me my quilt."

Brendan laughs a little.

"Anything you want hop a-long."

He smiles because Brendan's mood has shifted and he did that. He could still do that.

He takes the quicker route back to his position on the sofa, sitting on the back and sliding onto his arse before swinging back around.

"What's on?" Brendan asks throwing the quilt over him, it's far too big for the sofa but he wants a cover, something over him to protect him.

He hands Brendan the remote.

Brendan's hesitating again, looks at the seat next to him but doesn't take it, he's not sure where he's allowed to be, how close he's allowed to be which is good because he can't have Brendan dictating to him, he hasn't got that right. Brendan giving him a bit and that's enough.

He knows he should keep Brendan as far away as he can but Brendan's going to leave him and he can offer this. A little something before he goes, can have him close and enjoy the feeling while it lasts.

"Grab a pillow then." He states tapping the cushion to his left which is part of the back row.

Brendan takes a cushion from the far corner and lies across the back line. They are head to head.

Brendan flicks through the film channels but can't seem to find anything but it isn't really about that so when he finally does pick it's a black and white film, so old thing where everyone looks perfect and the men treat the women like they're the most beautiful things in the world. All the kisses are tender and lack tongue, pecks on the cheek.

It's not holding his attention and even though he's tired there's too much tension sitting in his stomach to get to sleep.

"How did you end up working for Mr Arthur?" He asks because it's a safe enough subject and he wants to know. He thought that Brendan wanted out of that life so why had he gone straight back into it.

Brendan snorts a little.

"Never wanted to get back into all that. I thought as soon as I was out that I'd get a job something, I didn't really know but something clean, something respectable. I couldn't find anything though no one wanted to take on an ex-con and I was down to my last hundred pounds." He frowns at him and Brendan turns over and looks at him. "Solicitors cost a lot of money especially when trying to reduce the sentence of a guilty man. So I called Anthony who I've known for years and he offered me a job splitting my time between Cobra and The Jay. It was good money and I was hardly in a position to not take it."

"Solicitors worked though. You said you'd get life." It's an accusation and he can't help it because Brendan had told him that he was facing 30 years at least, gave that as the reason that he was kicking him out of his life.

"Yeah…" He stops and turns back over looking up at the ceiling. "I couldn't do that kind of time. I may be guilty but I just couldn't do it. All the weeks waiting for my first hearing I just knew that I had to try and get a reduction and I paid top money to get one of the best defence briefs…"

"What was your sentence?" He can guess, work it out but he has the opportunity to ask so he takes it.

"I was only convicted for Seamus. There wasn't enough evidence to convict me of Danny, Michael, Nana or Walker. The brief did a great job of twisting the facts got my confession chucked out and I didn't comment when the cops interviewed me… He got the sentence to 7 and a half and I got out after 7 on good behaviour."

"You?" That is not something he would expect. Brendan behaving himself under the glare of authority. Being told what to do and doing it, keeping his head down and not picking a fight.

"Yes Steven me." He sounds a little amused. "I needed to get out and that was worth not getting into trouble."

It's on the tip of his tongue to ask but he knows that Brendan is talking about getting out of prision knows it's not possible that he had any other motivation.

"I didn't come for you straight away…"

"Brendan…" He warns he does not want this conversation.

"I couldn't. I was too scared." He sounds small. Admitting weakness has never been something Brendan did lightly or at all if he could help it.

"Scared of what?" He sighs. Because was he really that scary.

"That you'd moved on." He states. "And you had... I spent an hour debating about knocking on your door and when I did he was there."

He takes a deep breath and clenches his fists because he can listen to this, he knows about it and he can handle it. He knows what happened. He knows that Brendan was a coward.

"I saw you." Brendan says quietly. "You were… You were sitting outside the Dog on your phone, talking away and you looked… So I couldn't."

He snorts a bitter laugh.

"I couldn't. I couldn't do that to you."

He nods to himself.

"You couldn't even give me a choice Brendan. You didn't ask me."

"You had everything Steven, I had nothing what could I offer you?"

"What are you talking about?" He asks the confusion is just too much to get angry. What did Brendan mean he couldn't offer him anything? He didn't want anything but him.

"I'm a convicted murderer guilty of more crimes than I have ever been punished for, I never got punished for what I did to you, I hit you even when I promised I would never raise a hand to you ever again. I hit you. I hurt you. I can't help but destroy everything I love. I'm twisted and…" He shakes his head. "I was pretty much on the bones of my arse. I had no job, no money, what could I give you? Nothing. I couldn't offer you anything."

"I didn't want anything." He states, he didn't care about any of that so why had Brendan thought he would.

They fall into silence, the TV still playing between them. Brendan sighs and turns onto his side looking at the TV pretending to watch it but there's a frown on his face and it looks like he's thinking too hard and that means he's not going to be talking anymore.

He can't believe that Brendan thought that he would have cared that he had no money, no job, that he was that shallow but then maybe that what Brendan thought of him some silly, selfish, shallow little runt that only cared about what he could get. Maybe Brendan knew him about as well as he knew Brendan right now.

He turns over and faces the cushions because he can't bare looking at Brendan right now. He can't bare Brendan thinking so little of him, thinking that his love was based on the superficial things and not the important things.

There are tears in his eyes but he won't let them fall. Brendan thinks so little of him. It tore at him but he's not that person, he's not what Brendan thinks he is. He knows that. He knows that he would have taken Brendan back in a heartbeat with only the clothes on his back, he snorts a little to himself, less than that. But Brendan couldn't see that. Couldn't see that he didn't care about anything but him. Didn't want anything but him.

He closes his eyes. He isn't that person, he isn't what Brendan thinks he is. He's better than that.


	52. Chapter 52

Thank you for your reviews.

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He woke to the smell and noise of bacon frying. He groaned and rolled more into the sofa pulling the quilt further over his head. He doesn't want to be awake. Five more minutes or another five hours would be nice.

"Breakfast?" Laura asks from the kitchen. "I know you're awake."

He frowns and pulls the quilt off his head pushing up to look at her squinting against the bright sunlight. He's not as hung over as he thought he would be. He glances over to find the sofa empty, Brendan gone and the cushion back where it was originally, like he was never there. He turns back to her.

"He's gone for a drive." Laura replies. "'Bout an hour ago."

"I didn't ask." He replies but he was going to. "Did he say where he was going?" Why couldn't Brendan just stay in the house like he had to? He hadn't even asked to go for a ride out in the car yet but he wouldn't be able to take it by himself and he could hardly go for a run like Laura had or even a walk. He was stuck because of his ankle and it was worse when they were gallivanting around.

"No but then it was more 'I'm taking the car'… You two have a late night party?" She asks and it's curious more than anything. "Came down at six to go for my run and you were both flat out."

"No. Just couldn't sleep." He pushes the quilt off him. His stomach is rumbling at him, his body feels heavy and stiff and it takes more effort than it ever should to swing his legs over the side of the sofa. His ankle is a little better, much to his relief he was starting to think that the hospital had missed a break it's still hurts like a bastard but at least the throbbing isn't there. He looks down at the strapping, there's a bruise peeking out just over the top and he wants to see now. He pulls the tube bandage off then un-wraps the bandage underneath. It's a horrible shade of purple, swollen, angry looking.

"Here." She hands him a bacon sandwich and a coffee which he places on the table before lifting his foot for a closer look. With the strapping off it feels unstable even with no weight on it.

She comes back over and sits where Brendan was lying.

"Managed to sort anything out?" She asks, she's not looking at him as she picking up the remote and turning the TV on.

He sighs and takes a bite of his sandwich, there was too much to sort out and every conversation was throwing up more things that were changing his mind on where he stood with Brendan. At the moment it was too mixed up and confusing.

"No then." She states.

"Do you think I'm shallow?" He asks because he needs another opinion just to reassure himself.

"You?" She asks surprised and he can tell she was going to make a joke but then sighs. "I think you only care about what's important so no I don't think you're shallow. Why?"

"Just something Brendan said… He thought I wouldn't want him because he didn't have money." He sighs.

"And you couldn't give a stuff but he thinks that you do." She sighs and shakes her head.

"What?" He frowns. She seems to know something he doesn't.

"In all the time you two knew each other he was pretty well off yeah." He nods. "He had more money than you." He nods again wondering what she is getting at. "He had more money than you so he could provide for you, I'm not saying that you couldn't fend for yourselves before you take my head off, I'm just saying that if you ever needed money he could help you out. Suddenly he hasn't got that, he's not rich anymore."

"It didn't, it doesn't matter." He growls in frustration.

"Not to you but maybe it did to him." She shrugs.

"That's…" He shakes his head.

"Pride."

He thinks about it. Brendan was always trying to protect him, always giving him money even when he didn't need it, although he was grateful when he did need it. He bit his lip.

"So he didn't think…"

"What? That you were only with him for his money?" She shrugs. "I don't know Ste to be honest, but Brendan's pretty alpha male from what I've seen. I'm just saying maybe it wasn't to do with you and it was more to do with Brendan."

He absorbs the idea and reaches for his coffee cursing as his muscles ache at him.

"Stiff?" She asks.

"Seriously." He replies and reaches into his pocket for another pain killer.

"I'll set the hot tub off if you want the warm water might help." She offers.

"I haven't got anything to wear." He hadn't looked through his bag that carefully but he hadn't seen any of his swimming shorts.

"Boxers?" She replies. "It's not like there's anyone to see you."

He looks outside and it's looks pretty sunny not that it matters but he'd rather be outside in the sunshine. He glances at the clock it's nearly noon. There's nothing better to do. It's not like he can go anywhere or do anything.

"Go on then."

She gets up, passes him his crutches and goes outside. He doesn't dare put his left foot anywhere near the floor as he goes to his room sitting on the bed and pulling his bag up, unzipping it and tipping it upside down looking for the most suitable boxer shorts for getting wet. He goes for a black set and changes into them, pulling on a t-shirt and picking up a towel from the ensuite which he wraps around his neck because he needs his hands free, he pulls his hoodie on then makes the pain staking trip to the conservatory and down the steps which are tricky because they are so steep.

He sits on the same chair as the day before and looks out across the valley. It's pretty warm so he takes off his hoodie puts it on the floor next to his towel leans back and admires the view. He just looks at it, he see's a few more things than he did the day before like a farm on the hill with sheep in the field. He traces the walls across and up.

He lets himself get immersed in it. Better to be enjoying the view than thinking about anything else.

The hot tub is bubbling away as he strips off his t-shirt.

It's tricky to get in he has to lower himself down onto his arse before gently sliding down onto one of the seats.

The water feels so nice. Warm and bubbling and he feels his muscles relax a little, he slides to edge of the seat and lets the water lap just below his ears he tips his head back.

"I've got some work to do." Laura states from the top of the steps.

"Work?"

"That's the problem with the internet can't even escape up here…" She replies. "Shout if you need a hand out."

He wishes he could work on the internet. Wishes he could do something constructive for his business instead of lying around waiting for a gangster to calm down or his ankle to heal. He's pretty sure it would be worse if he was stuck in Hollyoaks so close to work and not being able to help out at least up here he's too far away to even think about getting involved.

He leans his head back, closes his eyes and lets some of the tension from his shoulders. The problem with being so far away from work is that he can't use it as a distraction, can't bury himself in it and avoid his problems or at least take his mind off them.

He sighs heavily. He hears a car pull up on the gravel of the drive, at least Brendan came back although given it's Laura's car he couldn't exactly steal it, it's not Brendan's style to steal a car. It's more his old style. He's pretty sure he could still hot wire a car if he ever found the need, not that he'll ever need to but it's part of his old life that makes him slightly proud but a little mortified with himself. It's not really a skill to be proud of but he still is a bit. It's not something everyone can do and it's not like he still goes out jacking cars anymore.

He hears Laura and Brendan talking about something a brief conversation that he can't really hear what's being said but he can hear their voices breaking through the quiet.

He feels the tickle of eyes on him, paranoia that he's being watched and opens his eyes to find Brendan standing at the top of the step looking down on him, he's staring at him. Black t-shirt, dark Jeans, he clamps down hard on his thoughts of just how much he wants to get his hands on that shirt and peel it off. That's not allowed anymore, Brendan didn't want him he reminds himself so he can't.

"Enjoy your drive?" He asks to break the silence, closing his eyes again.

He hears Brendan on the steps then behind his head and he frowns and looks up at him.

There's hunger there, Brendan's eyes are dilated and he realises that he's only in his boxers. Shit. The water was feeling so good easing his muscles that he'd kind of forgotten about his state of undress. And it's that old feeling of being used to being naked or nearly naked around Brendan that had tricked him for half a second into thinking it was alright that he was in a hot tub with Brendan around. It's not ok anymore. Brendan doesn't get to see him like this anymore, although there's fuck all he can do about it now except ignore it. Pretend he isn't soaking in a hot tub with the man who had broken his heart into a thousand pieces, obviously checking him out.

At least he can get from Brendan's expression that he still fancies him. He still wants his body. That's salve to his battered confidence. Brendan may not want him but even after all these years Brendan still finds him attractive, that it's not just him. He feels a little self-conscious because his body has changed, he's not as skinny as he used to be, still has his abs but he's naturally filled out his chest is a touch wider and firmer. At least he knows that it's not a complete turn off to someone who like's his bed fellows like he was when he was younger.

"Go anywhere nice?" He asks and closes his eyes again. If he can't see Brendan it makes it easier. It might be a little childish, the 'if he can't see it then it's not there' idea but he'll take anything he can get at this moment.

"Just around. Needed to get out for a bit." Brendan replies.

"Rub it in." He replies keeping his tone as light as possible. "I'm stuck here."

He can't keep it up. Can't lie back in the water and relax with Brendan so close. He sits up in the seat and tries to figure out how to get himself out with the least drama. He lifts himself onto the stone around the edge and pushes himself up onto his right leg hopping to the chair and reaching for his t-shirt, doesn't care that it's going to get wet because covering himself up, making himself feel less exposed is all that matters right now.

"What's that?" Brendan says and he turns to find him closer than he was fingers close at his back. He looks over his shoulder.

"I got stabbed." He replies. He'd almost forgotten about it, rarely bothered to look at the ragged scar that had been left when the pen knife made such a mess.

He feels Brendan's fingers lightly touching his skin and it tingles sets his skin on fire, just like it used to. Brendan touching him. God he missed it. Despite everything. Brendan's hands on him, he's missed it and he doesn't care that it's wrong, that Brendan shouldn't be touching him because right in this moment he wants it... He's tracing the scar, he can feel every movement of his fingertips. He looks over his shoulder and Brendan moves closer still, he can feel his breath on his neck. His lips tingle with anticipation, his body has always reacted strongly to Brendan's touch, his presence near him.

"How'd did it happen?" Brendan asks and his voice is rough around the edges.

"Kids in the park, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time." He a little too breathless but he can't help it.

Brendan fingers trail up to his neck.

"Happened years ago." He adds as his neck rolls to the side almost as though he has no control of it when Brendan's fingers reach just below his jaw, thumb on his spine at the bottom of his hair line. And Christ if he doesn't want Brendan to kiss him. He arches his neck a little more his mouth falling open.

Brendan moves forward and his chest is on his back, cotton t-shirt suddenly plastered to his skin his other arm coming around his waist over his hips and hand finding it's way to his ads then trailing up to his chest.

Brendan's lips trace his neck lightly, stubble catching on his skin lighting it up, he trails along his jaw line and up to just under his lips and he pulls him back to him. His arse ending up in line with Brendan's crotch and he can feel his dick hardening against him.

He tips his head a little more and Brendan's lips catch his bottom lip and he can't help his lips closing around Brendan's top lip. He leans back into the hard chest and opens his mouth just as Brendan does the same and suddenly it's a full on tongues touching and rolling kiss, just as desperate as the last one in Ireland but slower, he reaches up and threads his fingers through Brendan's hair pulling him down as he push up at the same time. Brendan moans and grips at his hip pulling him back even closer as if it were possible because he is plastered to him can feel every single contour of his body. He takes Brendan's hand from his hip and pulls it around so it's sitting at the top of his soaking boxers then pushes both their hands down under the waistband to his rapidly hardening cock.

"Fuck." He breaks the kiss because having Brendan's hands on him, touching him after all this time is too much. He's on fire and Brendan is tightening his grip around his cock. He leans his head back against his shoulder and Brendan latches onto his neck kissing, nipping then tonguing a trail that's too much.

"Please." Fucking hell he doesn't even know where it's coming from but he's begging. Begging Brendan to make him come because he fucking needs it. Needs Brendan to get him off.

He groans when Brendan catches the head of his cock and works it.

"The noises you make, fuck." Brendan mutters into his neck then brings his hand up from his chest to catch his jaw and tip his head back towards him and he opens his mouth as Brendan mouth his back on his and he pants into his mouth between the dip of Brendan's tongue in and out of his mouth with the occasional closing of lips.

"Ah Bren." He throws his head back again as Brendan hand moves faster.

"Come on." Brendan bites at his jaw. "Come on." His grip intensifies and the slide of his thumb over and over the head of his cock on the up stroke has got him almost there, just needs... "Steven come for me."

It's blinding, utterly blinding. And Brendan's still stoking his cock all the way through it and everything too much, he's too sensitive can feel every touch of their bodies. He knows his groaning, moaning but he's never been able to shut up when Brendan does this to him.

His leg gives out but Brendan's there wrapping his arms around him taking his weight as though he weighs nothing and finds himself sat in Brendan's lap on a chair head back against his shoulder as he kisses him softly on the neck. He shivers a complete involuntary response as he starts to come back down off the high.

Brendan hands are trailing over his front.

"Sorry." Brendan sighs and kisses his neck again.

"You're apologising for that?" He shakes his head still trying to catch his breath properly.

"I shouldn't have..."

"Fuck's sake Brendan I wanted it." He states because Brendan might have touched him first but he was the one that pushed it into something more.

Brendan grips him a little tighter and he lets himself enjoy being wrapped in arms again because he knows this is going to end, knows that there is far too much shit to deal with between them and knows that Brendan is always going to walk away from him but right now he just wants to enjoy the moment because it might be the last time he gets to.


	53. Chapter 53

Thank you for your reviews... This chapter has been a very long time coming (50 odd chapters) I hope it doesn't disappoint.

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He wishes he could lie back in Brendan's arm forever wishes it was that simple. But it's not. There is too much water under the bridge, too much hurt and a moment of weakness, of undeniable lust may have gotten him what he wanted but it's not solved anything, only made it more complicated.

Brendan still fancies him, can still do things to his body that no other man ever could, make him react like no one else but he's done without it, made do and it hasn't killed him. But he had to take what he could get because it was worth it. He didn't regret it.

"I can hear the cogs turning from here." Brendan sighs. "It was what it was, doesn't mean anything." He's shifting underneath him. "You should get dressed."

There it is. Knew Brendan had just given in to him, his desires and done as he had begged him to do. Brendan hadn't wanted it but he had so he had given it to him out of pity or for their past he's not sure which, maybe, possibly it had been one more for the road. Brendan giving him something.

"I could return the favour." He states and he can't help it being a touch bitter. Brendan's cock is still hard against the crack of his arse, only fair that he does something for him after he got him off. He won't mind, in fact it wouldn't even be a favour it's something he wants to do. Get to see Brendan fall apart under his hand or his mouth, since it could be the last time it would have to be his mouth. Have Brendan fuck his mouth, deep throat him and see if he still loses it when he looks up at him when his cocks in his throat. Defiantly wouldn't mind that.

"You don't need to." Brendan replies and he's not looking at him. Looking anywhere but him.

He takes a steadying breath and pushes himself up out of Brendan's warm embrace.

"I better get this ankle strapped back up." He manages to say around the lump in his throat. He pulls his t-shirt on quickly, leaves his towel and his hoodie on the stone because he can get them later and he needs to get away from him as quick as possible, anyway from the rejection.

He manages to make it to the top of the steps and into the main room.

Laura's sat with her earphones in, he can hear the music from the dining room table as she taps away on her laptop. She doesn't even look up just keeps her eyes on the screen, lips moving.

He moves around the back of the sofa and into his room shutting the door behind him. He gets himself to the bed and drops to it.

Why is he such an idiot? Why can't he just accept that Brendan and him are over? That they will never ever get back what they had. He's not even sure what he wants but he'd at least like to know that he hadn't wasted so many years on a man who had never just had the bottle to tell him that he didn't want him. Flat out. 'I don't want you' it would be horrible to hear but Christ it would be better than the limbo he's been in for so long.

Brendan says one thing then acts the opposite. He says he loves him would do anything for him and then he rejects him. It's like one big fucking game, but it's his life Brendan's fucking with and it's not fair to do that to him. He doesn't deserve to be punished for loving him. It's not something anyone should be punished for, loving someone. But that's all it feels like, has felt like for a long time.

He says he didn't want Dean's obsession with him, his love but that's exactly what Brendan wants. Someone who put up with being picked up and dropped like a fucking yo-yo and be grateful for it. Well he's not that person and yet Brendan's still playing with him like his own personal toy. Doesn't even want him, just gave him what he wanted because it was easier than telling him straight. For fuck's sake what had he been thinking? He'd been thinking with his dick again which seemed to be what Brendan reduced him to.

He loves Brendan, all of him, every messed up corner of his soul and yet when they're touching it's the lust that drives everything, love and lust, one deep and unyielding the other red hot and hungry, he knows the difference but they've always gone hand in hand when Brendan's involved.

He slams his fist into the mattress, he's a fucking idiot. He shouldn't let Brendan play him, he fucking knows the games, he's seen them before lived them before but… He thought that they were over, thought that Brendan was done playing him but he's never going to be done. Thought Brendan at least owed him something after everything that had happened. But then Brendan doesn't know, doesn't know what he did to him. May have shouted it at him but he hadn't told him, hadn't outlined every last sordid detail of the destruction Brendan's decision to take Cheryl's place had caused.

Doubts Brendan will even feel guilty.

He changes out of his damp, sticky boxers, into another pair and a pair of jeans, a different t-shirt, pulling a button down over the top. He pulls the tube bandage over his foot instead of strapping it properly but it's enough for the time being. He hops back onto his crutches opens the door and it hits the door stop hard. Laura looks up and across at him, she flicks an earphone out but doesn't say anything, looks a little concerned but he sets his jaw and she turns back to her screen putting the earphone back in. He's not sure what she can see from him but she's made the right decision not to talk to him.

He hops purposefully across the floor and around to the conservatory. Brendan's outside turned away from him hands in his hair, head tilted to the sky. He takes his time to shut the door. Laura have her music on full blast but she doesn't need to hear this, she was there for most of it.

Brendan is looking at him when he turns back.

"I think there are some things you should know." He states firmly. "Have a seat."

"Steven…" Brendan starts and walks half a step forward before he stops, looks at him then sits down.

He makes his way to the seat opposite, puts his crutches down carefully then straightens up and looks across at the view for a second before turning his attention back to Brendan who is shifting in his seat. He looks down at the bubbling water.

"The coppers let me fall to the floor, just stood over me as I shouted for you. I couldn't breathe I was crying so hard, took ages to pick myself up and by then you'd already gone… Cheryl saw me in the village and I was breaking apart, never felt anything hurt and keep hurting that much, couldn't even think anything beyond that you were gone. She said she would go to the police but I said she had to do what you said, she had to have her life but I told her to leave the village, go with Nate. I hugged her and sent her into Nate's arms. At the time I was so upset that it just seemed like the right thing but know looking back I know it was because I wouldn't have been able to stand seeing her, see her live her life, get what she wanted and all the while I didn't have you. You made so many promises to me Bren. You promised me a life together, a future and it was all gone, everything. Amy brought the kids down for the weekend and they took the edge off for a couple of days, couldn't let them see me in pieces but then Amy took them away again…" He takes a glance across and Brendan is bent forward, elbows on his knees, palms together like he's praying, fingertips nearly touching his mouth, eyes closed. He licks at his lips. "I tried so hard to pretend everything was alright to everyone but inside I was dying. The pain just kept going, it didn't let up not even for a second. I couldn't bare working in the deli, working with Doug, him trying to be so kind and understanding but throwing it in my face every five seconds that I knew you what you were like so why was I surprised? I could have stabbed him in the face most days. It was the fucking pity. Couldn't fucking stand it. Like he had some divine right to tell me how I was feeling when he didn't have a fucking clue. Didn't understand us. Didn't understand what you meant to me. What losing you meant. He couldn't understand and I didn't want to listen to it anymore. How it will get better with time all that shit… I sold my half, stuck the money in the bank, didn't know what I was going to do but it was better than being stuck in there listening to that. The pain didn't go away and I was stuck in the flat alone, couldn't bare being there with no one there. I needed something to take the edge off. I couldn't keep trying to deal with it because it was drowning me so I went out and found a dealer, bloke I used to know why back and I started taking anything I could get my hands on, then I started dealing. I used to go to the clubs, get drunk, take a few lines, sell a few lines and find someone to fuck me." He hears Brendan inhale sharply but he doesn't turn to look. "Anyone as long as for a few minutes I felt wanted, felt something other than pain but it never really worked and I'd have to get more strung out to deal with the fact it made me feel like some, no worse than a whore because I wasn't even getting paid. I would just let them use me like I was using them… Then the guilt would kick in, there I was off my face with some random bloke, can't even remember half their faces getting fucked and all the while you were locked up. You were in there because of me."

"It wasn't your fault…" Brendan states firmly.

"Let me…" He needs to do this. "You killed Danny because of me, to keep him away from me, stop him hurting me, killed Walker for much the same thing. I may not have killed them but I'm part of the reason they're dead. So I took more drugs and I was so strung out all the time that my dealer stopped supplying me and then all I had was the money from the deli and I don't know why I didn't just fucking use it to keep myself going, keep buying but I couldn't. Stupid really that money was drugs money it should have gone straight back into drugs but I couldn't so I was drinking instead, really following in Pauline's footsteps. I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, sat in a cell all night and realised that I didn't want that, didn't want that for me and didn't want that for Leah or Lucas so I forced myself too stop, stop drinking, stop doing drugs, stop screwing my life up because I didn't want that and I knew you wouldn't want me doing that either but it was hard, so fucking hard and it hurt so much… Amy would only let me see the kids if I had counselling and I needed to see them… That's when I went to Laura and started working through things, fucking slowly, it was like baby steps and I kept falling on my arse but I had to sort myself out. Tony needed someone to invest in Ill Nosh and I had all your money in the bank so I bought in. Started cooking again. Turned my life back around, got to see the kids. It still hurt, I was still alone and you wouldn't let me see you or answer any of my letters and I just wanted to see you, just see you again but the longer it went on the more I knew that you weren't going to let me. I still hoped you would. Still kept asking, still kept putting the visitor requests in but I didn't hear anything and I couldn't ring Cheryl and I didn't even know if you were alright. Just clung to hope that you were. It was the hope that you'd come back one day that was killing me because I didn't know how long it would be or if you even would get out. If you would come for me. I just wanted you to come for me but the longer it went on the more damage hope did to me… Jamie…" He takes a deep breath. "Jamie I'd known for a while, he asked me out and… I was so fucking lonely and I didn't know what would happen, I was so scared. So guilty for betraying you for even thinking about going out with someone that I liked. That's when I wrote that letter, that one you took. I wrote that and went out and found the biggest twats I could because I didn't want anyone I could possibly like, could bare the idea that I could even think about caring about someone, just caring nothing more than that. And Jamie backed right off then when I was sick of using people and being used, when I dared to think about having someone in my life again properly, not just fucking about, someone I actually liked I thought about what would happen if you came back and saw us together, I thought about it so hard but I couldn't be alone and the chances of you coming back… I didn't even know if you would come back so I took the risk because I knew that I would never love anyone more than I love you, that no one would even come close so I knew that no one could even come close to hurting me the way you did, do. Jamie would never be able to break my heart because it belonged to you which is why you can break it and keep breaking it… We broke up just before Ireland because he realised I couldn't love him as much as he loved me because I was still so wrapped up in you, I was with him five years and when he ended it, it didn't hurt, I barely even noticed it except the empty flat and I barely even noticed that I was so busy with work… I went to Ireland thinking about forgiving Cheryl but when I got there I saw you with Dean and it ripped everything apart all over again because what fucking terrified me the most was that you wouldn't come for me and I saw you there with Dean and it broke my heart all over again. That you didn't come for me and you chose someone else…" He takes a really deep breath to tries to calm himself down. Dredging it all up, confessing his sins, it's taken it out of him but he had started and it had just come out like poison from a wound. He feels better than he has for a long time, better than he has in years being about to say all this and explain it to the person who needed to know.

He realises he's not done, he may as well keep going, may as well get it all out in the open because then he knows he's said what he needed to.

"You see Brendan it's always been and always will be you that I love and I accept that, I can't change that, don't even want to but I can't fucking have you playing this game with me. You can't treat me like I'm some toy that you can pick up and put down whenever it suits because I can't live like that… I can live without you, I have Leah, Lucas, good friends and successful businesses but I can't live like this alright. I need to know where I stand so I can sort this out for myself on way or the other… You either love me or you don't... You either want me or you don't but I need to know because I can't do this, I can't be around you and not know. Don't lie because you think it'll spare my feelings, don't say you want me because you fancy a bit of a fuck around, just please put me out of my misery. You can't do any more damage by rejecting me because I know I'm not good enough for you but please alright, please…"

He wipes at his eyes to rid himself of a few tears that have fallen and holds his breath because he's just spilled his guts all over the ground and is waiting to find out just what the outcome will be. He's done it before and Brendan had ignored his plea's, cut him out of his life and he can do it again but he's been through it before and he knows now that he will survive, can survive it.

He can't look at Brendan for fear that he will see his answer before he says it, he needs to hear it.

"I…" Brendan starts. "It's not that simple."

"You either want me or you don't." He replies and the tears are welling up because he knows what's coming.

"Of course I fucking want you…" Brendan spits and his breath catches in his throat because he doesn't sound like he does. He sounds like it's against his will. "But I can't…"

He nods and lets the tears fall because this is it, this is when Brendan finally slams the coffin lid shut, wishes he wouldn't take so long about it.

"I get it." His voice is ruined but he doesn't care, he's not going to pretend it doesn't hurt. He blows out a breath and reaches down for his crutches. "At least I know now."

"Do you ever fucking…" Brendan's hand pull the crutches out of reach and he drops down in front of him hands on his neck tipping his head up. "Look at me." He doesn't want to but just like always he ends up doing it. "I want you, I fucking love you Steven Hay but…" He shakes his head there's always a but… Brendan holds him firm. "I can't alright. I can't be with you. It's too dangerous. I'm too dangerous. I couldn't bare anything happening to you because of me… Look at where you are, this is my fault. You are up here in hiding because of me, Dean nearly killed you because of me, my mistakes and my life and I can't fucking do it alright. I want you alive and safe and that means that I can't…"

"You don't want to…" He tries to break the hold but he can't his hands end up on Brendan's. "You don't need to make excuses."

Brendan closes his eyes, bites his lip and shakes his head.

"You… Steven I can't lose you, not now, not ever. It would kill me."

"And this isn't killing me?"

"You'll survive, you'll always survive because you're stronger than me, you've always been stronger which is why I knew you'd find a way to live without me. I couldn't find a way to live without you… That's why I let the solicitor twist everything instead of just taking what I deserved… I sat in that cell and I dreamed of you every night, thought of you to try and find some kind of comfort but I couldn't see you in there, I couldn't do that to you I needed you to be out here living, I needed you to breath for me." Brendan rests his forehead against his then pulls back a little. "And Dean was a distraction, someone I thought that I could help, someone that I could redeem myself with, prove to myself that I could fix someone that needed it. And he reminded me of you a bit, not much but enough, enough... I knew you'd find someone else because look at you, fucking most beautiful thing I've ever seen, ever been allowed to touch… Jamie was right I don't deserve you, never have and even though I knew you were with him I had to be around, see you even if you couldn't see me, that's why I live in Chester because I'm close to you. I needed to make sure you were ok, happy… You're fucking thriving, you're everything I knew you would be… I can't take that away because I know I will, this life my life, it'll ruin you and I won't let it."

"So I don't get a say?"

"Steven…"

"No. You can't… I won't let you do this… This is my life and I get to decide and you don't get to fucking make excuses, you want me and I want you, I love you and you love me so we can make this work."

Brendan's shaking his head and he puts his hands on his jaw, thumbs on his cheeks and holds his head because he is not allowed to do this. Not now.

"So you don't want to even fucking try? After everything… No. No Brendan…" He can't catch his breath. "We can do anything right, anything we want."

"I can't lose you."

"You won't right." He's not going anywhere.

"You can't promise me that."

"And you can't promise that staying away will stop something happening to me." He got to find some way of getting through to him because everything he wants, everything he's wanted for years is there on the table if only he can get Brendan to see that being safe isn't the be all and end all. "Dean nearly killed me, if things went differently then I might not even be here. And that wasn't your fault that was Dean's so maybe you aren't close enough to protect me, maybe staying away isn't going to make a difference. Maybe being with you is worth the risk because then at least I'll be happy, because I will, we'll work all this out. Please Brendan please don't push me away for this because I can't live with it. I can't live knowing that you want me but won't let yourself because otherwise you just don't want me at all."

"You're a stubborn little fucker." Brendan states with a bit of a laugh that sounds torn from his chest.

"You want me or you don't, right here, right now. Chose." He needs a straight answer. One way or the other.

"It's not a choice." Brendan pushes forward and kisses him, he opens his mouth and Brendan deepens it wrapping his arms around him just as he does the same.

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And they live happily ever after with no more drama's at all... Except that I'm not that kind of writer and there are plenty more drama's to come and still so much to sort out. This is not done by a very long way.


	54. Chapter 54

Thank you for your reviews.

I'm pretty sure most, if not all, of you are going to hate this after the last chapter but I did warn that this Lakes section was going to be rough...

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For a moment he has what he wants, for a moment he can believe that they can do this, for a moment he's back in Dublin before it all went so wrong.

But he's not in Dublin. This isn't that. Too much time has passed. Too many betrayals.

He'd just spilled his guts in desperation to get an answer, he'd pushed and pushed and got caught in the moment. Allowed himself to keep going, using everything he had, all the words he knew would get through the cracks. He'd forced it to find out if he really had just wasted nine years on Brendan, on the dream of them getting back together or find that Brendan never loved him the way he loves him. He had needed an answer.

He broke the kiss and buried himself in Brendan's neck, allowed himself to be wrapped up in the scent and feel of him. He'd never forgotten what it felt like to be there, safe in Brendan's arms like he was untouchable, no one could get to him because Brendan would be there, he was the only one allowed to touch him, he was the only one that could touch him. And he needs that now. Needs that security if only for a few minutes but it doesn't feel safe anymore because he knows now that the world could do what it liked, people could do what they liked, no one would ever hurt him the way Brendan could. Because he'd let Brendan in and now he's on his insides, name scarred on him, touch running through his veins and he had ruined him. It wasn't safe in his arms anymore because he knew now what Brendan could do to him. Had known the physical brutal damage his fists, his anger could do but they were nothing compared to the damage loving him, letting him in had done, could do all over again despite knowing he could survive it the fear was still there. Fear of that sort of pain.

Brendan could burn him inside and out. Had already seared him, flayed him until there was barely anything left. Until he had only had his will, his stubbornness left to make it through, to get to the other side of the devastation that Brendan had caused in him and he had survived it but he wasn't sure he could again, not when faced with this…

He never should have done it. Never should have let his anger and bitterness get in the way. Never should have let Brendan know just how much he had fucked his life up without him, or just how well he could do on his own. Never should have guilt tripped him, because that was what he had done, he hadn't meant to but he had. Saying all that, telling him all that was nothing short of spelling out just how fucked up he was and he had pretty much lain it all at Brendan's feet. Blamed him for his own mistakes.

Brendan had just seen his boyfriend stick a scalpel in his neck, despite what he said about Dean, he hadn't just shacked up and bought a house for him because he wanted to help him, being a friend would have been enough he hadn't had to take him, hadn't had to live with him. There was something between them, and Brendan had been forced to choose, had choosen him over Dean when it had been life or death and maybe that had been guilt too, or maybe, he doesn't know the answer… He had just lost his lover and here he was guilt tripping him with his shit…

Guilt tripped a guilty man, what was he thinking he was never going to get the truth…

It's not a choice. The words ring around his head. He had forced it, given Brendan no choice.

He wanted to believe it, wanted to think that Brendan loved him, wanted him but how could he? Brendan had cut him loose for years then hadn't told him he was out, then chosen to stay with Dean… If he had wanted him he would have left Dean and come for him, would have ignored Jamie and come for him anyway.

Would have known that he didn't care about money, would have known that it didn't matter to him.

If Brendan really wanted him, truthfully wanted him then he would have come for him before Dean had killed himself…

"It's okay." Brendan kisses his temple. "You're okay."

It's not and he's not. He had wanted an answer so badly, wanted to know where he stood so much that he had forced the entire situation and now, now he couldn't believe Brendan's words. Still didn't know if all the pain was worth it and still didn't know where he stood all because he had been angry and bitter about Brendan's latest rejection…

It just hurts, everything hurts all over again. Everything he went through, everything he put himself through to have this moment and he can't believe Brendan's words. He can't believe him. Doesn't believe.

"Shhh." He doesn't even know he's losing it until Brendan's tightening his grip. "It's okay, you're okay."

He forces himself to take a couple of deep gulping breaths to try and get himself back under control. He squeezes his eyes shut and concentrates on just breathing, nothing but that, clears everything else, stuffs it back down with sheer force of will until that's all that he can think about, that's all there is. Just breathing.

He nods to himself into Brendan's neck and pulls back a little, enough that Brendan is pulling back too, fingers under his chin lifting his head and kissing him gently, just slow, gentle almost kisses that are cutting through the shock and the heartbreak, his body betrays him and starts to react, can't help but react and he can't handle that not right now. Not when he's already in too deep for his own good, he never should have done it, he never should have forced this. Never should have thrown the ultimatum at a grieving man and expected to believe what he had to say.

He lifts his hand to Brendan's cheek and lets himself feel the stubble, the warmth. Brendan's eyes are closed as he turns his head and kisses his palm.

"Ste." Laura starts strong but trails off as she opens the door and stands there with her phone in her hand. She looks wary of them as she makes a decision and she walks down the steps. Brendan hasn't moved, he hasn't moved. "It's Leah, she's been trying yours but she couldn't get through."

Brendan kisses his palm again and pushes up off his knees and away from him, and the cold is shocking, Brendan may not be safe, may not offer the protection anymore but it still feels better than not having his touch.

He clears his throat and wipes his face nodding to Laura as he takes the phone. He needs to talk to his daughter.

"Leah?" His voice sounds terrible. Laura goes back up the steps and into the house.

"Dad are you alright?" Leah asks. "Mum said you'd ring but you haven't and I was dead worried."

It clears everything from his mind as he focuses on her and her concern. He doesn't want his daughter worried about him.

"Sorry, yeah I'm alright. I should have rang, sorry but by the time I got out and sorted work it was late and I didn't want to wake you." He lies, he had forgotten to ring with everything that was happening, he should have rang her and Lucas the second his phone had been charged. He should have had his phone on him. She shouldn't have to call Laura to speak to him.

"But you're okay yeah?" She's still not sure.

"Sprained ankle and a bit of bruising." He replies. "Nothing to worry about."

"Can I come and see you?" She asks.

"Haven't you got course work due in?" He's sure she does, he's sure that she couldn't come down this month because of all the school work she had.

"Yeah but…"

"I'm fine Leah honestly and your school work is more important."

"I can get the bus down." Leah insists.

"Laura's taken me away for a few days so I'm not there, been a bit stressed with work so she thought a couple of days away to rest up would do me good." He hates lying to her but it's for her own good. He doesn't want her worrying about him. He wants her to get straight A's not be distracted by his messy life. "I'll come and see you on the way back alright?"

"Yeah, I suppose but you will won't you?"

"Yeah I promise." He states. He will when he can. "I'll let you know the day okay?"

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you too." He replies, ends the call and plays with Laura's phone in his hands so he doesn't have to look up. Doesn't have to confront this.

"How is she?" Brendan asks walking back over and sitting back in the chair opposite.

"Good." He replies then realises that Brendan was after more than that, that a few details wouldn't go amiss. "She's top of her class for Art and English, proper little know it all. Defiantly got Amy's brains, and her temper, they spend more time arguing than anything else... Lucas is a brilliant footballer, he's got trials all over the place for various clubs, loves his football and he's doing well at school." He smiles because he is so proud of them, but he can't raise his beam of pride because his insides are still in knots. "When did Declan get married?" He asks to try and keep the conversation going because if they are talking about their kids then they aren't talking about anything else.

"Autumn last year. Amber's a good girl. He's a manager in a supermarket and she's an accountant. Padraig's starts as an apprentice electrician in September. Eileen got re-married to a good man, treats her right. How's Amy?"

"She's good, got a great job and her bloke's alright." He replies still finding Laura's phone fascinating between his fingers.

They fall into silence, and it's sticky and thick, uncomfortable… He can almost feel it under his skin, crawling around.

"Where do we go from here?" Brendan asks quietly.

He wishes it was clear, that he knew where he stood, where they were with each other but he doesn't know.

He settles on shrugging, wincing a little in discomfort and sighing.

He looks across the valley, across the other side and this is another world. This is far from his life. This is limbo all over again but not like before because Brendan's within a foot of him, within reach even if the cost was a dead lover and an angry father.

He rubs his face and can't help but glance across at Brendan, can't help but feel the flash of love but it's so mixed with anger, hurt and disappointment. It makes it painful to even look at him.

"I promise…" Brendan starts and it's a dagger in his chest.

"Don't promise me anything please alright just…" He lets out a long breath. He doesn't want Brendan breaking anymore promises to him.

"I never thought you'd ever consider taking me back after everything I've done, the things I've done to you... Especially not after everything you've been through... I'm sorry."

Pity, fucking pity from Brendan. They'd never been about pity before and it's his own fault for guilt tripping him. For making him feel sorry for him.

"I love you but that doesn't mean that everything's forgiven." He can't help the edge to his tone.

"I'll earn your trust… I'll earn your forgiveness." Brendan states firmly.

"I'm beyond pissed at you." He may as well tell him the truth, one of them should be honest.

"I know."

"Do you?" He asks curious.

"That kind of anger doesn't disappear with a kiss and a few words, we both know that."

He nods in agreement. That kind of anger may never disappear, it's already been so long, already been years and it's not helped by Brendan doing all this, pretending… He sighs.

Brendan just needs comfort, whether that's whiskey or a warm body or both, that was his comfort. He's a grieving man saying what he needs to so that he can have what he needs to make himself feel better, to get over his loss.

He wishes Brendan would just tell him that he needs comfort, admit it, although that's admitting weakness and that's not something Brendan has ever done unless there are no more lies he can use.

He'd provide him with comfort, with anything he needs to get over his loss because whatever the rights and wrong he still can't bare to see Brendan in pain, loves him too much to stand by when he needs anything he can give. It might make him glutton for punishment but then at least he knows he is. He just wishes that Brendan would be straight with him about what this is, but he won't so he has to read between the lines. He's a stop gap until Brendan's done grieving.

Laura makes more noise than she needs to as she opens the conservatory door again. It's obvious she doesn't want to interrupt them again.

"Done with my phone?" She asks.

"Yeah." He holds it out to her and she comes down the steps to retrieve it.

"Alright?" She asks carefully.

"He's fine." Brendan replies. And he grits his teeth against it.

"I'm alright, Leah was just worried." He states for himself because he can answer for himself.

He needs a distraction while he gets everything slotted into place in his head. He needs a bit of time to get himself ready for letting Brendan take what he needs from him before he leaves. Needs to get that hammered into himself so it doesn't hurt as much when it's over, when Brendan's alright and he doesn't need him anymore. He's going to take care of the man he loves because he couldn't live with himself if he didn't and he's going to be ready for when Brendan walks away.

"Lunch?" He asks because cooking is a perfect distraction for him. His crutches are still out of reach and he's not going to be able to get up the steps without them.

"Here." Brendan hands him them and hovers slightly, almost touching but not quite.

"Go have a look in the fridge, see if there's anything you fancy." He states because he has to let Laura know the score and he's not doing it with Brendan within ear shot not when things are still strained between them.

Brendan nods and strides up the steps and soon as he's out of sight he feels weight coming off his shoulders.

"Me and Brendan…" He starts because he can do this but the words are sticking and he doesn't know how to explain it to her. "We've started talking."

"Good." She replies neutrally.

"We're going to try and sort something out." He says hoping that she'll catch on to what that means but she doesn't look like she understands and he's not explaining the ins and outs of it because she won't like it. He knows she won't. "We're going to give it a go, me and him."

She nods then her nose wrinkles.

"Then why do you look so fucking miserable?" She asks bluntly.

"It's a lot to take in." It is. A huge amount.

She nods slowly and he can see something there that he's going to have to shut straight down or she's going to push and he's going to crumble.

"It's what I want."

"If you're sure." She says and she's looking at him like she knows something that she shouldn't.

"I know what I'm doing."

"Just…" He sees her bite her lip. "Take it slow."

"I know what I'm doing." He repeats firmly.

She holds her hands up in surrender.

"Want my help in the kitchen?" She asks changing the subject.

"If you want to… I thought you were working."

"I was now I'm bored and hungry." She states before heading up the steps in front of him.

He glances across the valley again, this is a different world and here he can have Brendan for a while, be there for him before he goes back to his real life and Brendan goes back to rebuild his life with someone else because Brendan can have anyone he wants...

He takes a deep breath. He can do this.


	55. Chapter 55

Thank you for your reviews.

Sorry I've taken so long to update, work and life got in the way and I haven't had much time to write.

* * *

"What am I making then?" He asks, carefully making his way past the dining room table.

"Anything." Brendan replies.

"Laura?"

"Not fussed."

"Nothing like knowing what you want." He sighs, why can't someone make a decision these days?

"How about sandwiches? And I'll make a big dinner." He states and they both nod.

"In that case why don't you sit down and get that ankle back up while I make them?" Laura asks although it's more a statement. "Don't need a chef to do a commie's work."

He wanted to make lunch but if it's sandwiches there isn't a point in arguing about it. He takes his short cut over the back of the sofa and lands on his quilt. He grabs the remote and starts flicking. He focuses on the screen in front of him until Brendan walks past it and around until he's sitting a few cushions away on his left on the back of the U.

He hears Laura's phone ring and she puts it against her ear then scrunches her shoulder against to keep her hands free.

"… That's because you're an idiot." She smiles.

He's fairly certain it's Callum just from her tone.

"No I'm bored… I'm even working… I know it's tragic but I have to make money some way… Fuck you." She laughs and starts cutting the sandwiches. "No you left them on my kitchen counter next to the kettle… Alright that's not where you left them but that's where I put them when I found them…" There's a long pause and she stops what she's doing. "And what did he want?" Suddenly there's ice cold in her tone. "Really. Well that's very nice of him please send him my regards… Yeah that would be my sentiment… If Morris is there you'll have to put up and shut up… Yeah and what will that achieve? Rory is using Morris so Dad is using Morris you take him out all you'll do is piss Dad off and you're hardly his favourite person anyway… Ha, you pegging your hopes on that… Yeah. Give me a call after. Later." She hangs up and places the phone down, sighs heavily and picks up the plates bringing them over and putting them on the table so they can share before heading back to the kitchen cupboard and bringing out a couple of packets of crisps.

"What was that about?" Brendan asks and he winces a little. Sometimes it's best to let her think about things before asking and he was waiting for her to sit down and calm down before asking.

"Rory wants Callum to meet with himself and Morris to discuss the Barnet situation."

"And what has Callum got to do with it?"

"Well that _is_ the question." Laura sighed and went back over to the island and picked up her phone. "I'll be a while." She said as she walked out the front door.

"Why would Callum want to take out Morris?" Brendan asked as though it was a thought rather than a question except his eyes were trained on him.

He shrugged, better to play dumb than to admit he knew something and have Brendan keep asking questions that he didn't want to answer.

"Morris used to work for Shane and Laura was all over Shane's death whatever her Dad pulled so what happened?" He shrugged again more deeply and cursed himself for aggravating the bruising. "You know so tell me."

"It's not my story to tell."

Brendan nodded to himself.

"If I'm going to keep us safe like Callum asked me to then I need to know."

He shook his head in disbelief. Always games. Couldn't just ask flat out, he had to make it about something else or someone else.

"What part of it's not my story to tell do you not understand? If you want to know then ask Laura."

"She won't tell me, we barely know each other."

"And we know each other so well." He stated. "It's been a long time Brendan, do you even know me anymore?"

Brendan snorted.

"I know you." Brendan stated firmly. "And you know me."

He turned his head away but found Brendan's fingers under his chin turning his head back to him.

"You know me." He looked at him, his breath caught in his throat as it always did when he really looked. It was almost the same looking into Brendan's eyes now as it was then except there was a deep tiredness, something worn about him, a pain too. He could see it. He could see the Brendan he knew under it all. He knew Brendan he just didn't trust him or like him very much at the moment, the bitterness was still too close to the surface as well as the anger at himself. He loved him but that's different to liking someone. He knew that. He'd learned the difference.

He nodded and Brendan let his chin go.

"So tell me."

"Ask her." He stated because it was up to Laura if she wanted Brendan to know and she hadn't the day before so he doubts that she does now and he's not betraying her trust, not even for Brendan. He knows he can trust her and she had never used what she knew about him against him with other people, she'd used it plenty against him but that was a two way street because he'd thrown plenty back at her. But it was between them, no one else.

"I will then."

"So why bother giving me the third degree?" He asked because it seemed pointless, such a waste of energy.

"She's in your life, been in your life a long time and I don't think she's a person you should be close to…"

"Not this again. I all that stuff to you and you think that gives you the right to start interfering in my life deciding my life." He shakes his head and picks up his crutches, he needs to get away from him.

"Wait." Brendan states firmly. "I didn't mean to… I think you can do better."

"That's what everyone said about you." He replies. "Everyone said it you know, I'm better off without you, I told you they would. I had to listen to it and I didn't believe it for a fucking second so when I say that I can't think of anyone better to have as a friend than Laura I'm not looking for your opinion or your approval. I'll be friends with who I like." He pushes up. "And for the record she never said that about you. She was the only one that didn't, even when I was tearing myself apart she never said that I'd be better off without you, she only wanted me to be able to live my life without you."

"She's a…"

The door shut and both of them turned to see Laura towards them.

"I'm a what?"

"Nothing." He stated to try and defuse the situation.

"Come on Brendan I'm a what?"

He looked between the two of them and shook his head sitting back down because he needed to stay and referee this. Laura wasn't going to back down, he didn't really want her to.

"A drug lords vindictive bitch of a daughter. A criminal. A cold blooded murderer."

"Oh. Except for the last one you've got me bang on. I'm not a murderer. I've done a lot of things but I've never killed anyone, ruined their lives but who hasn't? Not exactly in a position to be throwing shit at me are you? And just for the record I'm a recovering drug addict just in case you want to try that angle."

He rubbed his forehead, he knew this was only going one way.

"I've paid for my crimes."

"Yeah, really? Because people like us don't really pay for our crimes we learn to live with them. They can do what they like to us but it doesn't matter because when all said and done we answer only to our own conscience."

"And yours is clean." Brendan smiled coldly.

"Fuck no. But I got my punishment and I've got to live with it."

"Sean." Brendan stated tapping the side of his head. "I remember that. Killed for what you did, killed protecting you."

"Yeah so you see that's my punishment and nothing anyone ever does to me will ever make that right or let me square it with myself so you think what you like about me Brendan. I know who I am, I know what I've done."

"I'm sure Callum is helping you live with it." Brendan sneered.

"I'm sure Dean helped you out for a while, ease the guilt did he?"

"Fuck." He exclaimed. She'd gone way too far. "Laura."

He looked at Brendan waiting for him to lose it with her but he looked calm. Almost too calm.

"It's okay Steven." Brendan stated then pointed at her. "You're a real piece of work."

"I am but if you want to throw stones then don't be surprised when some coming hurling back at you."

Brendan nodded lips twisting.

"At least you're honest."

"She didn't mean to be…" Such a complete and utter bitch about Brendan's recently dead boyfriend.

"She meant it." Brendan stated cutting him off. "So why does Callum want to kill Morris?"

"Ah I see it." Laura smirked coldly.

"What?" He looked between them.

"Brendan took the opportunity to see if I would bite and if I did just what my line of attack would be. He was checking to see if I would lie."

"Why?"

"I don't know her." Brendan replied. "I know what people say about her but I just wanted to see if it was true, that she'd rather use the truth than lie. So?"

"It was to do with the Shane deal that went wrong. Something happened and Morris was involved."

"Something? I'm trying to keep us all safe. If I'm going to do that I'm going to have to know everything that can be used against you for a starter. Does Morris know you killed Shane?"

"I didn't kill him, I'm not a murderer." Laura replied fiercely.

"Does that make you think you're better than me?" Brendan cocked his head.

"I think it makes us different… You kill, I maim."

He frowns at them.

"What does that mean?" He asks. He hates this. Hates them talking about murder and the sick things they've done but he's no saint, just not as big of a sinner.

"I used to take people apart a piece at the time until there was nothing left, until they had nothing left, I was a torturer and Brendan's an executioner."

He shakes his head. He knows what both of them have done and he still can't quite swallow it. Most of the time he just doesn't think about it. Just like most of the stuff he's done that he can't quite live with all the time.

"But you didn't take Shane apart."

"No. I never got the chance."

He frowns at her because he didn't think she had even considered doing anything to Shane although maybe that was naïve after what he tried to do to her.

"So what made Robert go from wanting to make a deal to getting his boys to kill him?"

"All you need to know is something happened and it upset my Dad."

"Must have been a big something." Brendan looked thoughtful. "Not many things a man like Robert will kill a valuable business contact for… You were his front woman... Shane threatened you?" Brendan was considering her closely and he knew that he was trying to read her. The hypocrite. He'd made such a fuss of Laura doing the same thing or at least being able to. "Beat you?"

She firmed her stance.

"It wasn't pleasant." She stated holding eye contact with Brendan even though he could tell she wanted to look away.

"Didn't think it would be." Brendan replied. "Shane had a deserved reputation."

"He was a bastard." Laura agreed.

"Still doesn't tell me what I need to know."

She did look away. She turned around.

"I need to know." Brendan pressed.

"Bren…" He shook his head at him.

"You told me to ask her and I did, she won't answer so I'm going to ask you again. Why would Callum want to take Morris out?"

"Laura?" He asked because Brendan wasn't going to let this drop and he didn't want him to keep pushing and pushing at her about something so raw.

"Fuck it." She turned back around. "I didn't tell you everything." She looked straight at him.

He didn't think she had but he hadn't had chance to push it because everything had happened so quickly after that. The bistro then Ireland and she had seemed fine after that night, not totally alright but she had seemed to be coping and she had told Callum so he hadn't seen the need to ask again about something so personal.

"I should have told you alright." She was looking straight at him. He frowned. "When Shane had me pinned…" She took a breath. "He called a couple of blokes in, Morris was one of them… He was going to let them." She turned back around. "He was going to let them go next… I didn't tell you because it's so fucking humiliating alright. Fucking pinned there helpless while they're all gathered around like rabid dogs…" He saw her shoulders lift as she took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you but it was bad enough and other than that night I dealt with it." She shook her head. "And you can keep your fucking mouth shut about it Brady."

Silence descended. Thick and heavy.

He understand why she didn't tell him. She told him everything she had been able to at the time then tried to bury it like it didn't happen but it did happen and now at least she's told him, she got there eventually.

"Did you tell Callum everything?" He asked almost knowing the answer because that wasn't something she would tell Callum.

"Fuck no, he'd fucking kill them, not just threaten either. He'd do it." She rubbed at the back of her neck, still refusing to turn around. "And it's not his… He doesn't get to go around doing anything to anyone because something happened to me."

"He's your boyfriend." He stated. "Despite both your fucking games, he loves you."

"He may love me but that's not an excuse. I can handle it myself. I don't need him doing anything on my behalf."

God if he doesn't understand that. Brendan had done things in his name and he still hated that he had even years later and she was far more capable of defending herself, of doing something about it herself.

"Shane is dealt with and Morris has a fair weight hanging over him which is why Rory is using him because Morris knows if he makes even one false step Dad will take him apart but that doesn't mean that I stand him or that Dad is taking his word and Callum knows there's something I'm not telling him. That night at Cobra he just knew that there was something more, something bad so that's why he's threatening to off him." She rounded on Brendan. "That what you need to know or is there anything more?"

Brendan has the good grace to shake his head.

"Right then I'm going for a walk suddenly I need some fresh air."

"Laura."

"It's alright Ste I just need a walk." She walked briskly across the room and out the front door.

"Did you have to do that to her?" He demands.

"I needed to know." Brendan replies quietly.

"Well you do now." He pushes himself off the sofa and gets his crutches in place.

"Where are you going?" Brendan demands and there's a hint of panic there.

"You just don't know when to stop do you?" He sighs, he's exhausted suddenly and he just wants to lie down for a bit in peace.

"Steven I didn't… I needed to know." He stands and is in front of him in four strides just to hammer the point home that he isn't going anywhere quickly. He can't even walk away when he needs to.

"You could see she didn't want to talk about it so you made me do it for you. I'm not your puppet Brendan and you shouldn't have made me do that."

"I didn't make you do anything." Brendan protests.

"So you were going to stop then? You were going to just turn around and say it didn't matter? No you were going to keep going so I had to…" He licks his lips. "Let me past."

"Steven… Please, I had to know."

He nods slowly. Maybe Brendan did but he still feels like shit about it.

"Does knowing that help?"

"Yes."

"At least it wasn't for nothing then… Let me past."

Brendan steps out of his way with his head down.

He closes the door behind him and leans his head back against it, bangs it once, throws his crutches across the room and hops to the bed, throwing himself down on to it.

He gazes up at the ceiling looking for cracks and imperfections, tracing the corners trying not to think, begging his brain to just stop but he knows he's not going to be able to push it all back forever.

He lies still and closes his eyes. Everything crashes into him, everything he said to Brendan, everything Brendan said to Laura and visa versa he can't get a grip on it. He doesn't get it. Doesn't understand why Brendan keeps pushing Laura, why he…

Why his life is such a mess? He snorts to himself, his life has always been a mess. This though, this is different, it's always different when it involves Brendan. It's always worse, always better, it's just extreme's the swings that happen when Brendan's around or when he's not.

He's got his own life. He built it up again from rock bottom, he paid for it in full, he made it and it's only a mess when Brendan's involved. He didn't want Brendan interfering in his life not when he wasn't going to be around, fuck it no, he didn't want Brendan interfering at all. He can make his own mind up, can decide for himself. But even now he knows that he can't cope with pushing Brendan away even if he's being a bastard. If he pushes and Brendan leaves before he's ready, before he's gained so sort of balance over Dean then he might do something stupid.

He can live with Brendan not being with him. He's already done it.

He can't handle the idea that something happening to Brendan that he could have prevented.

He needs to work out just how he is going to play this. It's a mine field.

He knows that nothing has really changed. He still loves Brendan and he still doesn't know where he stands but he's thrown himself at him and he didn't reject him this time. He licks his lips, nothing's changed but he's opened the door for Brendan so now he can't just keep throwing shit at him, not when he's grieving. And he walked away just then without tearing into Brendan the way he wanted to. He'd stopped himself because he was so exhausted with it all.

He needs to be there for Brendan. Needs to give him support but he's making it so difficult by pushing at Laura like he doesn't want her there.

She's not good enough, what the fuck does he know?

He sighs heavily.

It all depends on how Brendan is going to play this from here and he knows deep down that Brendan will play it so he gets what he needs, that doesn't mean he's going to let him have it all his own way. Not after that. He's doing this for Brendan but he's not being made a mug of. He'll be used as comfort but that doesn't mean he's going to give him everything. He doesn't deserve everything.

It hurts too much to know that Brendan doesn't really want him. There are lines that he needs to draw for his own sanity. He needs to decide just how much he is willing to give…

His body? He thought about it, thought about how it would feel, what Brendan could do to him, how good it would be to be back in bed with Brendan buried deep inside of him but it's a cold feeling that grasps his gut instead of a rush of excitement and he knows he can't. He can't give Brendan that. He's done being used and using people like that, he was done a long time ago…

He'd get Brendan off if he wanted, give him something to distract him but he knows it's going to make him feel like a whore. He can't do that to himself he's worth more than that.

He rubs his face. He can't do it.

He can't be some random fuck. He lets his shoulders drop. He can't be that even for Brendan and the guilt spikes at him because surely he should be able to offer that.

He snorts, it's his fucking pride again. He can't do it because he has too much pride in himself, he's too proud of who he is to let himself slip into that again. He's been there, it's not the same with Brendan but this time it would be because it wouldn't be about loving each other or even lust it would be about being used, it would be able making Brendan feel better about Dean and it's a line he can't cross.

He'd just demanded a hand job off Brendan he reminded himself but that hadn't felt like using him, it was though.

He's a selfish hypocrite, he swallows, he can live with that.

He can't live with Brendan fucking him because he's missing another man who he said himself was similar to him. He could see it physically at a stretch, if he had to but he couldn't see it in any other way because Dean was off his fucking rocker and he's not. He'd been close to utter self-destruct over Brendan but he had never even thought of taking anyone with him. In fact he would never have even considered killing Dean to get Brendan back because that was fucked, completely and utterly fucked. If Brendan didn't want him, chose someone else then he wasn't fine about it but as long as Brendan was happy he could live with it. He had lived with it.

He could be a shoulder to cry on, could be a friend, could hug him, kiss him but more than that and he couldn't do it. He wouldn't do it and Brendan was just going to have to drink a couple of more tumblers of whiskey to deal with that.

"Ste." Laura. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah." He states and sits up a bit as she enters. "Alright?" It's a really stupid question.

She smiles a bit.

"Stealing my lines again."

"I'm sorry." He states because he really fucking is. What Shane was going to do was horrendous and he's glad the bastard is dead and he's sorry he forced her to tell him and worse Brendan. It was one thing admitting it to him and a completely different one admitting it to Brendan who she didn't know. It seemed like all he had done since he'd woken up was force things, push them out of shape. And he's regretting it.

"Yeah well I should have told you." She shrugs. "It's done. Brendan…"

"Had no fucking right to push it…"

"Ste." She shakes her head. "He's worried. Barnet could do anything and he wants to know everything because he's relying on my information."

"He was a prick."

"And I was a bitch." She states plainly.

"Why are you defending him?" He demands.

"I'm not. I just understand his position. He doesn't know me, doesn't know enough to trust me and honestly I don't really trust him but I understand his position and if it was me then I'd keep pushing and keep going until I knew everything I needed to because Barnet isn't a soft touch and if he comes he'll come hard. Brendan needs to know the angles just like I would. It's a product of having to constantly watch your back."

He shakes his head and looks away.

"And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you everything but it was just fucking horrible and I wanted to move on."

He licks at his lips and picks at his thumb nail.

"I'm sorry I pushed you in there but he wasn't going to stop."

"I know. It's fine."

"It's not." He mutters. "I'm really sorry."

"Ste you have nothing to apologise for. Besides it was you that got me to move on. You kicked started it. When you came round and flushed the coke, you stopped me going straight into a drugs binge that I didn't really want to do deep down but it's a reliable coping mechanism." She shrugged. "You made me face it and it was what I needed. So really I should say thank you."

He snorts.

"I should have made time…" Despite everything that had been going on he shouldn't have been so wrapped up in himself.

"Ste I didn't want anyone to know but it's stupid because Morris knows, Waite, Nichols and Blake know they were in line, Dad knows, even fucking Rory knows so I don't know why I didn't tell you everything…" She sighs. "Well I do know, it's because I don't like sympathy or admitting there are chinks in my armour." She straightens herself up. "Anyway it's done now." She nods. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Me?"

"Yeah well I went at Brendan hard and I know it's difficult for you."

He nods it is difficult. He doesn't like it but there's not a lot he can do about it given their situation.

"I'll try and behave." She states.

"Don't bother, we're stuck here there's no point in everyone walking on egg shells." He sighs because that's what he feels like he's going to be doing.

"Do you feel like you are?"

"Don't you?"

"A bit." She concedes.

He huffs a sad laugh.

"So much for a safe house." He states.

"I'm going to grab a shower then any time you want to start dinner just give me a shout." She says easily.

He gives her a disbelieving look. He didn't think she'd want to be anywhere near Brendan after all that. He wasn't even planning on leaving his room.

"What? I'm not hiding away. It's my house." She states as though it was obvious.


	56. Chapter 56

Thank you for your continued support and reviews especially since I've been slow on the updates.

I haven't had chance to edit this as much as I would usually edit a chapter so I might come back and sort it out a bit. I won't take anything out but I might add stuff in and correct my spelling because even with spell check I'm crap at it which you will have noticed by now.

* * *

He lies on the bed. He's so tired but he knows he's not going to sleep, it's a different kind of tired.

He blows out his cheeks and decides that he should go back out into the main room.

He hops to where he had thrown his crutches and makes his way to the door. He listens for a minute but it's quiet, there's a faint rumble from the TV but other than that there's nothing.

Thoughts of Brendan having left flash through his head but he knows Brendan wouldn't leave right now the Barnet situation isn't resolved, they are still at risk. He frowns at himself.

"You know me." Brendan's voice flashes through his mind.

It's almost a challenge. He knows Brendan so he knows what he would do, doesn't need to even think too hard about it.

It's not the first time Brendan had vowed to protect him and stuck it through even if the consquences weren't anything pleasant.

They weren't even together, he was with Doug and Brendan had stepped in front of Walker and his gun to protect him.

He knows Brendan. He frowns a little at himself. He knows without doubt that Brendan would always try and protect him in a situation like this. That if his life was in danger Brendan would try and keep him safe and it pisses him off no end but he couldn't even stop him.

He bites at his lip.

That hasn't changed. That part of Brendan hasn't changed and it's strangly comforting in all the things that he doesn't know and can't trust about Brendan now, he still knows without doubt that Brendan would always try and protect him. Had tried to protect him from Greg. Dean. Now Barnet even if all of this was of Brendan's making he was still trying to make sure that he protected him.

He is only in the Lakes hiding out because of Brendan and yet Brendan is here with him.

He's not letting himself go down that path… It doesn't matter because Brendan would still leave him. Had left him. Let him marry Doug and refused to fight for him in that. Would have let him go to America…

"I'm too dangerous…" He's heard that tone before…

No. He stops his thoughts dead and turns the handle. He needs a distraction.

He pulls the door open and heads into the room stopping dead when he sees Brendan laying asleep along the back of the sofa. He hadn't expected to find that. He was caught off guard because he hadn't seen Brendan asleep in years. Hands interlocked across his chest, ankles cross, the gentle rise and fall of his chest. The tension gone.

Vulnerable. The word sprang to his mind. This was Brendan when he wasn't on the defence, or the attack, this is when he's dead to the world and his entire persona, his force is missing and he's just a man, a damaged man with a dark past but still strong, determined and caring despite everything.

"Hey." Laura says quietly, even so he almost jumps out of his skin. "You can get arrested for that you know." She smiles, she's teasing him. She's whispering but he can hear her clear as a bell in the silence.

He still can't tear his eyes away.

"Oh yeah and what's the charge?" He asks keeping his voice as low as possible.

"Invasion of privacy or being creepy." She replies smiling.

"No one gets arrested for being creepy."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. I remember a mate of mine got pulled for having a staring contest across a bar once because a girl said she was paying her too much attention, that he was possibly mentally disturbed even though it wasn't her he was having the contest with."

"You made that up."

"Nope. Happened that she was a off duty copper and she was concerned by his fixation on her."

"That's an ego."

"Yeah defiantly. Funny as anything listening try to explain himself." She paused. "What am I making then?"

"You?" He glances at her.

"Well you're busy being creepy."

He sticks his middle finger at her and drags his attention away from Brendan but it's like he's half stuck.

"Bolognaise."

"I can make that." Laura says. "Fry mince and add jar of sauce."

He shakes his head and rolls his eyes, smiling.

"From scratch. It's easy and better than a jar…" He gives her a list of ingredients to get from the cupboard as quietly as he can even though he knows that they're going to disturb Brendan because cooking is very rarely quiet. It only takes him starting to fry the onions off for Brendan to sit up, a little too quickly and he wonders if he was dreaming or at the beginning of a nightmare.

He watches him regain his composure, put his front on, pull the shield down. He turns to them.

"Need any help?" Brendan asks gruffly his voice still lace with sleep.

"Will chef be requiring the pasta be made from scratch as well?" Laura asks.

He holds up the dried pasta. He's not going to make fresh pasta, only ever does that when he's getting paid because it's such a pain. He can do it, he just can't be bothered especially not for the three of them.

"No, and as long as Laura doesn't cut her fingers off we're fine… Thanks." He adds.

"Laura." Brendan states and he can see the apology coming.

"It's fine Brendan." She replies very quickly.

"I'm sorry." Brendan not looking at her though, he's looking at him.

"Brendan can you keep stirring? I need the toilet." He states as Brendan nods.

He picks his way across to his room, shuts the door to his room and quickly relieves himself before making his way back to the door.

"I'm sorry for making you tell me about Shane..." He can hear Brendan's voice and it stops his hand on the handle.

"If I didn't know that you needed to know then I wouldn't have said anything." Laura replies. "You didn't force me."

"Steven thinks I forced him…" He barely catches it.

"Yeah well Ste's angry at you." Laura replies.

"He told me… About what happened when I was inside…" Brendan sighs. "I didn't realise how bad it got for him…"

"Because losing the person you love is so very easy to get over." She replies sarcastically. "What did you think it would be easy for him?"

"No…" It's a weak reply.

He did. Brendan thought that it would be easy for him.

"Bit of a shock then." Laura says.

It's quiet for a while.

"I should've stayed away."

"Why didn't you then?" Laura asks.

"I couldn't help myself. Just… After Ireland I just needed to make sure he was alright… I didn't have to hide anymore."

"Shouldn't have hidden in the first place." Laura states firmly. "You did more harm than good."

"I know that now." Brendan snaps.

"Yeah hindsight really does open your eyes."

"You don't think I deserve him and I don't."

"It's not about what you deserve, it's about the damage you've done."

"I won't let you come between us, not now, not when he's giving me a chance."

Laura laughs.

"If that's what you think is happening then you really haven't got a clue."

"You don't want me to be with him."

"Honestly Brendan I don't care who he's with. We're friends, as long as he's happy then I'm not bothered."

"Really?" Brendan sounds suspicious.

"Yes really. He's a good person but I don't want him hurt or unhappy… And I know that you don't want that either."

"How?" Brendan asks just as he wonders.

"The way you look at him."

"And how do I look at him?"

"Like you would stand in front of a speeding car for him, like you would happily fuck him any place, any time he wants, like you would do anything to see him smile, do anything he asked... Just the way you look at him tells me you love him."

"I do."

"Then stop worrying about what I think. I'm not the threat here…"

He decided to stop hiding behind the door, not that he was, it was just… He had wanted to hear them without him there.

Laura says that she can see that Brendan loves him. She never said that to him although he knows she would. There's nothing she said to Brendan that she wouldn't say to his face. It's still difficult to hear them talking about him.

He sighs and decides to bite the bullet, turns the handle and makes his way back into the room and back to his pan which Brendan has managed to keep from burning.

"Shouldn't Callum have rang you by now?" Brendan asks walking around the island now his stirring duties are over.

Laura shrugs.

"You aren't worried?"

She shakes her head but he can see it.

"You are." He states.

"Just got to wait for him to call… I just don't like him meeting Rory, they're always playing one-upmanship on each other and with Morris added in there… It's stupid he can take care of himself."

"What if he can't this time?" Brendan asks serious.

"Then he's not the man I know he is." She replied looking straight at Brendan. "And we all know Callum is very capable."

He shudders a bit when he remembers when Callum had him at knife point, naked in his office… Yeah Callum's not exsactly a saint.

"How do you put up with knowing what his capable of?" He asks before he can think too much about it. Then he realises what he's said and the implication on his own problems dealing with what Brendan can do when he has to, even when it's just because he thinks he has to.

"He is who he is and if he wasn't then I properly wouldn't even like him, not that I do all of the time… I'm hardly innocent. It's more surprising he puts up with me and all my shit to be fair."

He looks at her then his eyes find their way to Brendan's on instinct. Acceptance. Laura and Callum accept each other just like he and Brendan did. He's not sure if it's the same anymore if he can accept the decisions and choices that Brendan made for him, if he can ever forgive him for them.

"Callum told me how you two met." Brendan states and it shock him back into stirring the sauce which he turns down to simmer and hops around the island to sit down.

"I haven't heard this one." He can't remember being told.

"Callum had been working for Dad for a while, gained a bit of trust and a bit of a rep so he was invited to Dad's club to work the bar and generally be closer to the business, you know learn the inside track but not too much, just enough, anyway he had only been there a couple of days and there was this big meeting between Dad and a bunch of associates but I needed to speak to him and his phone is off. So I walk in the club and Callum stops me asking if I'm lost, I didn't work the same areas as him so he'd have seen me around but he didn't know who I was, I just kind of looked him up and down and went to walk past him and he blocked my path. I asked him if he wanted to keep his job which got this full on swaggering reply of something of the lines of 'like someone like you could do anything about it' took the wind right out of his sails when I pointed out who I was."

"Callum tells it differently." Brendan's smiling a bit.

"Yeah he would. Male ego." She shakes her head. "We used to fight like cat and dog."

"Used to? You still do." He laughs a little.

"Yeah but back then it was a fair bit nastier. You think we play games now back then it was borderline dangerous especially when he got into Dad's inner circle." She shakes her head. "He was trying to prove himself to Dad and he thought I got my position purely because I was the bosses daughter. He might have had a point about how quick I got up the ranks but I earned respect and held my own. We had a lot of hate sex." She laughs a bit and her phone rings. "Speak of the devil." She picks up and listens. "For fuck's sake." She exclaims. "What did he say?... Did you tell him?... Alright I'm just asking… You ring Dad?... Why the fuck not? Jesus Christ… I will. No… Right… I'm not that stupid… I said I wouldn't. Fine. Ring me when you get out." She slams the phone down on the counter. "Fred Barnet jumped him coming out of the meeting. He's in hospital."

"How bad?" Brendan asks before he can.

"Couple of broken ribs, concussion and a broken hand." She picks up her phone. "Better call the old man… Dad Cullum got jumped by Fred Barnet…" She rolls her eyes. "No of course I'm not going to come back down, just thought you should take it into consideration… Bye." She rubs the back of her neck and tips her head back. "Fucking idiot."

"He'll be fine." He feels the need to reassure her.

"I know." She crosses her arms on the counter and puts her forhead to them. "Good thing is that he couldn't tell him anything anyway."

"Laura." He doesn't like her being so cold.

"I better do the rounds and find out if he's gone after anyone else?" She strides past them and out the conservatory door.

The Barnet's have started. Started looking and starting hurting people to get to them.

He sighs heavily then jumps a little when Brendan hand connects softly with his back which causes Brendan to remove it.

"Sorry." He shouldn't have jumped like that but he got a shock.

"We'll be fine." Brendan states.

"It's not just us though is it?" It's Tony, Sam, Jess, Michael, Connor, Megan, it's his staff, his business', his family, his kids, not in that order.

"Laura got the protection through. Callum just wasn't part of that deal." Brendan states carefully, measured, trying to be reassuring. "Robert wouldn't protect Callum and Anthony wouldn't either."

"What if the Barnet's don't care about this protection?" He asks because maybe…

"They do. If they break any deal they know the consequences." Brendan states firmly. "The kids and Amy will be fine."

He nods even though the doubt still nags at him. He hops around and sticks the pasta on to boil.

"You used to make this a lot." Brendan states gesturing to the pan. "One of my favourites."

"I know." He replies, shifting uncomfortably.

"Where are we Steven?" Brendan asks directly. And he knows this is about them and not about being in The Lakes.

"Can we just get through this?" Through the immediate threat to their lives?

"Nothing is going to happen to you, I won't let it." There's so much conviction.

"I know that you won't but I…" He licks his lip aware that Brendan's eyes follow the movement hungrily. "I just need to get my head around things."

"What things?" Brendan asks.

"I don't know, I just got so used to thinking one way, it's a lot to try and change quickly."

"I'm not asking for quickly. I'm asking if you regret what you said."

He winces.

"You do." Brendan sighs.

"Not all of it, but yeah bits of it. I don't want your pity."

Brendan shakes his head, gets up and walks out the front door.

"Well played." Laura states. He didn't even hear her come in. "Want to tell me what's wrong now? Other than the fact you don't trust him an inch? Come on Ste, you should be all over each other instead you're pushing him away."

He told her what he had said to Brendan the edited version because she knows his side of what happened.

"Then all I could think was that he's grieving for Dean, he wouldn't have left Dean for me so if he wasn't dead he would still be with him."

"Ste… Would you have left Jamie for Brendan?"

"What? Yes." He doesn't even have to think about it.

"Simple as that, Brendan comes back and that's it."

"Yes." He snaps.

She frowns at him.

"What?"

"You never had to make that choice because Jamie left you before Ireland."

"So what?"

"Five years you were together…"

"It wouldn't have mattered." He states.

"It's very easy to say that but given that you can't seem to trust Brendan would you have been able to leave Jamie? Because that's different Ste. Jamie you could trust and he might not be who you love but he was stable and couldn't hurt you."

He glares at her.

"Jamie would have been the safe option."

"It wouldn't have mattered. I'd have never chosen Jamie over Brendan the way he chose Dean over me."

"Did he?"

"Of course he fucking did. Laura fucking hell you know what happened."

"I know that Dean would have come after you sooner if Brendan hadn't have stayed with him… Ever thought he was protecting you from Dean? That Brendan isn't in the best position, that if he broke up with Dean to be with you that he would've had to have kept you safe from Dean and his family because we both know what Dean was capable of without his Dad's backing. He would've been risking your life."

"Fuck off." He shook his head against it. Against her words.

"You can't act the martyr here Ste. You were with someone else too. Just because you didn't love Jamie doesn't mean you can act like he meant nothing. You don't stay with someone five years if you don't feel something."

"And what about you?"

She sighs and rolls her eyes.

"What about me?"

"You and Callum. You act like you don't care about him but you do. You can't even admit that you do."

"This isn't about me and Callum but if you want to know then here you go, yes I do care about Callum, yes it would hurt me if he died tomorrow or even if he was killed today but this isn't about me… This is about you shutting Brendan out without even hearing him out. I'm not saying that he was innocent because he wasn't and I'm not taking his side before you start, and I'm not saying he didn't care about Dean but even if he did so fucking what? You cared about Jamie it didn't make you love Brendan any less did it?" He not replying to that. She knows that it didn't. "Well here's the thing Ste you've got a second chance with Brendan if you want it. He's here, now and yes you've both got more baggage than a freight train but you'll only work it out if you want to, really want to. No half measures, all in or all out. You can't hold back with Brendan the way you did with Jamie I know that because you actually love Brendan and I know that he has broken your heart but only a lover can break your heart. You need to decide if it's worth it. If he's worth it. And I'm not saying it's going to be easy, nothing worth having ever, but you need to decide if you're willing to try and work at this."

"I can't trust him." He states.

"So you're never going to allow him to try and gain your trust? Ste that's…"

"What?"

"Trust isn't instant. Trust is built. Trust is earned over time."

"He's going to leave again."

"Or he could be killed tomorrow."

"Don't…"

"Ste that is life. He could leave you again but so what?"

"So…" He chokes a little. She doesn't get it.

"He leaves you again and so what? That's the risk."

"So what's the point?"

"You've never ever been a coward Ste. You're the bravest man I know, don't throw that around."

"He can ruin my life."

"And you can ruin his but then you haven't thought about that one have you?"

"He doesn't... It wouldn't do to him what it would do to me."

"Sure about that?" She asks.

"He doesn't love me the way I love him."

"I'll bang the pair of your heads together at this rate I swear… The pair of you are so convinced that you love him more than he loves you and he loves you more than you could ever love him, both convinced you don't deserve each other well nobody but you can decide what you deserve… He loves you, you love him and everyone can see it except you two and it's bloody tragic because you could be working everything our right now instead you're taking pot shot at him and he's not sure if he even has a leg to stand on with you… You told me you needed to know where you stand with him well maybe he needs to know where he stands with you just as much because he's not a fool Ste he knows he hurt you, broke you and he wants to make that up to you if he can, if you let him but you have to decide if you're willing to let him. Are you willing to even try?"

"I don't know if I can put myself through it."

"You are strong and your brave and you love him. Is he worth it? Is what you two could have worth it?" She pauses. "Yes or no?"

He closes his eyes. Thinks of Dublin, of Christmas together, of late nights and early mornings, of laughing and joking with each other, of arguing, of making up, of sitting on the sofa together watching TV, of living together and how easy it was, how just being together was easier than being apart.

"Yes or no?" She pushes.

"Yes."

"Then you need to talk to him about Dean."

"He's grieving what if…?"

"Stop it. You're tying yourself up. Do you love him? Yes or no?"

"Yes." He does.

"Then you need to ask him about him."

"I don't want to hurt him."

"You won't." Brendan states.

"How long have you been standing there?" He asks panicking.

"Long enough."


	57. Chapter 57

Thank you for your reviews.

Life and work are still getting in the way but I'm still trying to find the time to get updates out. Your patience is appreciated.

* * *

"You shouldn't be listening to privet conversations." He states because, shit, Brendan was never meant to hear that, any of that, and now he can't help but wonder just how much he did hear.

"The door wasn't locked." Brendan replies.

"Could've gone back out." He's clutching at straws.

"I didn't though." Brendan walks closer.

"So you just decided to stand there…" He shakes his head.

"It was an interesting conversation. I wanted to hear it." Brendan runs his hand along the island counter top then taps. "You want to know about Dean."

"No." He states because he'd rather hear about anything else.

"The pasta's overcooked and I've got work I can be doing." Laura states walking towards the staircase.

"You should stay." Brendan says. "You're here because of it, you should know."

"That alright with you?" She looks directly at him.

He nods and walks towards the dining room table because he doesn't want to be comfortable listening about Dean, not that he ever would be just the idea of lying out on the sofa just strikes him as too relaxed.

Laura turns the hob off and walks over sitting opposite him.

He watches as Brendan straightens up and takes a seat at the head of the table.

"I met Dean when he was brought into the prison on a transfer and he was put on my wing a few weeks after his arrival. He was in segregation for his own safety and to recover from what happened to him… He walked into breakfast one day, he still have bruises all over his neck, wrists, everything about him, the way he walked, everything screamed that he had been taken apart in some way… It wasn't until one of the other prisoners tried to make a move on him in the showers that I did anything. I wasn't going to let him get raped in the prison showers when I was barely five metres away… I had a reputation in there, something I worked on, I didn't want any trouble so I made sure that they were afraid of me, of what I would do, I never did anything more than punch a bloke and hit him with a pool cue but it was enough to make sure that no one would come after me. I had to get out and the quickest way was to keep my head down. But looking at him, at the bruises on him, the look in his eyes, he was fucking terrified and I couldn't do nothing so I stopped the bloke from doing anything, nothing serious just a threat and a punch nothing that would ever compromise my release… But as soon as I did that everyone assumed I'd done it to claim him as my own, you know…." He whirls his hand. "Dean…" He licks his lips. "Dean became attached to me… He was so messed up and he just… He needed to feel safe he said that I made him feel safe…" He rubs his hands together. "There were ten of them." He blows out a breath. "Ten men who raped him, he was in the showers, they had paid off an officer and they gang banged him, he said he didn't know how long it lasted but it was a long time. They literally ripped into him, he had to have surgery to repair the damage."

He picks at the table a bit and swallows a little bile that rise in his throat as he brain congers images, as his body remembers some of his own experiences with not being prepared, he can't imagine what Dean went through and he doesn't want to but he can't help shift in his seat a little.

"He was this kid…" Brendan rubs his forehead. "And I couldn't help but…" Sympathise. Brendan looks at him and he nods in understanding. Brendan's own experiences. "It was… I felt useful again, like I was helping in some way instead of just being locked up existing and he was… I had to help him, it seemed like an opportunity to save someone, to make up for all my wrongs just a bit, I know it wouldn't be enough but just for a bit…" He rubs his mouth. "I came into my cell on day and he was hanging from the window bars, I thought he was dead but he survived. A few weeks later he was back on the wing, then it was a razor blade, he couldn't keep his hands steady enough to slit his wrists and I tried, tried so hard to make him see that he shouldn't kill himself because then the bastards had won… It came down to a promise. He promised that as long as I was with him that he wouldn't kill himself and I promised to never leave him."

He doesn't think Brendan can look guiltier than he does in this moment.

"I didn't think it… When I was released I never intended to see him again, never said that to him but our time was in there when he saw me at Anthony's and reminded me of my promise. You were with Jamie, you were happy and you were safe so there was no harm in being with him..."

He shakes his head against this because he still not ready to lay that to rest.

"Keep it about Dean." Laura states.

Brendan looks at her then back to him and nods a little.

"He was different out here. He had his brothers and his Dad. He wanted to be just like his Dad and Ronnie gave him anything and everything he wanted, bailed him out as much as possible whenever he had to, he had gotten away with so much, could get away with almost anything. Out here he was a loose cannon, but he was just desperate for his Dad to be proud of him. He was still fragile but he could lash out now without getting his sentence extended. He was still this kid underneath it all, he just wanted people to respect him, notice him, fear him, get some control back... I didn't want his blood on my hands."

"He was off his fucking rocker Brendan." He states because that kid that Brendan's trying to be him to sympathise with, trying to get him to understand still tried to take him away from his children.

"I know." Brendan nods and draws a breath through his teeth.

"Than how could you stay with him?" He demands and he feels like a bastard but Dean was… He was a complete and utter disaster zone and Brendan had chosen him.

"Why did you stay with me?" Brendan asks and he looking at him with half fear in his eyes, half curiosity.

"Because I loved you."

No. Brendan loved Dean. He pushes his seat back harshly and stands reaching for his crutches.

Brendan looks half panicked and confused. He's just tripped himself up.

"You loved him." He states and nods pursing his lips. "Well at least I know now. I'm very sorry for your loss."

"Sit down Ste." Laura states.

"I told you that was what this was about." He hisses at her.

"I didn't love Dean. What are you talking about?" Brendan looks between them.

"Tell him." Laura states.

He doesn't want to.

"What didn't hear that part when you were eavesdropping?" He should have known. He did know. He knew there was something more to Dean and Brendan.

"Steven I don't… What's this about?"

"The only reason you gave in to me out there," he throws his arms in the direction of the hot tub "was because you miss Dean and you think that I'll be his substitute, well I'm not anyone's replacement Brendan."

"No you're not." Brendan replies. "You could never be."

"Well thank you at least you're being honest."

Brendan stand and walks straight up to him gripping his waist as he tries to pull away but he can't Brendan's grip is unrelenting. He looks anywhere but at him, anywhere but Brendan grips his chin and makes him look.

"You are no one's replacement, there is only you. Are you listening to me? You are the only one in my head, every day since I met you you've been the only one in my head. No one else. Just you."

He half believes him. Half of him wants to believe him the other half is riling against it.

"It's just words." He mutters. "You'll say anything." He pulls out of his grasp and manages to pick up his crutches but Brendan there again touching his face.

"What did I do to you?" He's looking at him like he's something to study, like looking at him will give me his answers that looking at him will show him the scars.

"I told you."

Brendan laughs bitterly.

"I always thought I'd ruin you by being with you, I never thought that I could do it by not."

"Well that's always been your problem hasn't it? You never believed I loved you. You never believed me."

"I could never believe my luck Steven. That you would love me, love me despite everything I did to you, could do to you, that you could love me. No one should love me Steven I'm rotten, black on the inside, the things I do…" He shakes his head.

He hates Brendan talking about himself like that, hates that he can't see that there's so much more than the darkness and violence. That he's worth so much.

He reaches out and cups Brendan jaw, leans in kissing him softly then pulls back a little looking him in the eye then he pulls himself free of his grip and gives himself some space because everything is a hundred times more confusing when Brendan's touching him or he's touching Brendan.

"Don't say that about yourself." He states.

"Why not? It's the truth." Brendan folding in on himself.

As soon as he sees it he's moving forward again and lifting Brendan's chin to make him look him in the eye.

"Because I don't like it." He says firmly. And why should that matter to Brendan? Why should his hate of him talking about himself like he's a monster make any difference to him? He pulls away again and sits back down.

He looks across at Laura realising that she's still in the room, still sat listening. She's analysing, it's written all over her face. Looking between them with a thoughtful look which he can't help but think is dangerous.

"You going to put dinner out or not?" He asks because he needs to break her concentration. She's way too dangerous when she's working things out.

She nods and goes to the kitchen plating up while Brendan paces back and forth in front of the conservatory occasionally stopping glancing at him then continuing on.

"Will you sit down? You're giving me a headache." He sighs.

"Sorry." Brendan says sitting immediately.

Laura puts the plates on the table and she was right the pasta is over cooked. He's not even hungry, just picking at the mince but Brendan is eating it, much more slowly than is normal, is it even normal? He doesn't know he just assumed…

"I'm going to ring the idiot." Laura states and picks up her plate flicking a switch on the way out to the hot tub area.

He wishes she wouldn't leave, no he doesn't because if she's not here she's not watching them like a they're something to study. But he feels easier with her there. A third wheel. Someone to keep things from getting too out of control.

The silence is tense and thick and he wants to break it but he doesn't know with what.

"I had to protect you." Brendan states and he sighs giving up any pretence of eating. "It was my fault, Ireland was my fault."

He's not arguing with that.

"I saw you and you could see me, first time in years you looked at me, saw me, even angry..." He blows out a breath with a tiny smile that he's trying to hide.

"Like me being angry do you?"

"No. I hate it. More than anything I hate you being angry at me but I deserve it… I told Dean about you, I had to. I had, have these dreams, nightmares about you."

He tenses and Brendan shakes his head at him.

"Not like that. I can see it, Walker shooting you, getting to the lock up too late… The worst though is when…"

"What?"

"I kill you."

His eyes widen at that. Brendan has nightmares about killing him.

"I dream about killing you Steven." He's stopped eating and pushed his plate to the side. "With my bare hands, with a punch that I don't mean to throw, with… I…"

"You would never…"

"I could have, my temper Steven Christ how many times have I laid into you, how many times have I marked you, punched you? I fucking terrified you."

"You would never kill me." He knows without doubt that Brendan wouldn't. Trusts him in that.

"You don't know that. I would never mean to but I never meant to hit you, it just happened." His hands are shaking as he looks at them. "That night when I was drunk… I promised I would never hurt you again, never hit you again and there I was laying into you all over again and you ran from me… You looked at me and there was so much fear there." He shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair. "I'm dead on the inside anyway… Those words… They've haunted me every night because I did that to you."

He wants to be able to say that it didn't matter but it did. He wanted to say that he was angry about Brendan hitting him again and he was just trying to hurt him but it wasn't true because he can remember that night clear as anything and he knows when he said that to him he meant it, he felt exactly that hadn't realised then that he would continue to feel that way, that the blows that Brendan dealt him whether physical or not made him feel like his life didn't matter until he had been sat in that cell and even after that Brendan was still doing the damage and it would have been better if he was dead on the inside because not being had been the cut that wouldn't heal, that just kept bleeding and hurting.

"I had to stay away from you, I was protecting you from me." Brendan's voice cracks a little.

"You're such a fucking twat." He sighs, he's heard this before and he still doesn't believe it.

"But at Cheryl's I forgot that, just having you within touching distance again after all those years in grey, you're so... and I was selfish and I wanted to have that again and it over road everything, then Dean was there and you were pulling away. I knew he would never ever leave you alone if I didn't make sure he believed I only wanted him, but he didn't believe me." He rubs his neck. "He could see it, this thing between us, he knew that I couldn't just leave it be. He knew I still loved you and he couldn't take it… We argued all the time, constant bickering about you and it was like he couldn't just leave it... It was bad enough you were always on my mind without him constantly being on about you. The look in his eyes when he would say your name… I had to protect you, I should have stayed away but I couldn't, I couldn't just let go without walls between us. When I was free to do what I wanted, when there were no walls I found myself at Ill Nosh or at the flat… I didn't matter what I tried I just couldn't let go, couldn't not be around you. Not when you knew I was out."

He takes a deep breath.

"You put the walls between us. You chose and I had to live with it."

"I…"

"Don't. I've heard it and you're a bastard for doing that to me." He's so tired.

"I thought I'd lost you when I heard about the car crash. I thought that he's taken you away, that after everything I had done to save you from him, from me…"

"I don't need saving from you." He says although maybe he does but not in the way Brendan means.

"I'm dangerous, I'm violent, I'm a murderer." Brendan states firmly.

"And I love you anyway." He rubs his face. "Despite your flaws or because of them I don't even know anymore but it's like it's written through me and I can't help it and there have been times when I wished I didn't because the pain you've caused me Brendan there isn't any way to explain it… Staying away from me, choosing him that hurt, I never thought you'd betray me like that, but I should have shouldn't I? You always break my heart."

"I…"

"You don't mean to?" Brendan nods a little. "Yeah well you do and it's shattering but I still come back for more don't I? So why wouldn't you just be straight with me? Why couldn't you just tell me?"

"I tried."

"Yeah well you didn't try hard enough."

"You didn't want to listen to me."

"No, but that's because I couldn't listen to it. I still can't."

"Steven." It's a whisper.

"I love you and you don't believe me. I always forgive you and you wouldn't let me and now I can't trust you. I can't. I can't even bare to try to because what you've done to me, for me as you keep claiming well it's worse than anything anyone could ever do to me. No one hurts me like you Brendan."

"That's why this is a bad idea. I love you and I would give anything to be with you, be anyone to have what we had back because I've never been as happy as I was when I had you and the kids, when we lived together but it was never going to last, I prayed it would but I don't deserve it so it was never going to… I don't deserve you, you deserve someone better than me."

"I do." He states. "I deserve someone who doesn't hurt me, doesn't ruin my life because he decides that I'm better off without him, someone that will stay with me, someone who doesn't try and control my life… I had that. Jamie gave that to me and you know what? It wasn't enough, he wasn't perfect but he was a good man who put up with a lot of shit and loved me anyway, but he wasn't enough. I got that person you think I deserve and he wasn't who I wanted because I only wanted you and that's what ended us. I love you and there's no one else… I promised him that I wouldn't string anyone else along and even now I know that if I was with someone else they wouldn't be enough. So it's you or it's nobody…"

"I want you happy."

"Well I can't just turn this off… I wish I could Brendan so I can either be happy with you or I can make do."

"I don't want…"

"This isn't about what you want or maybe it is… I want you, I want to try to make this work but if you don't then fine."

"It's not…"

"Brendan." He sighs. "I pushed you, I cornered you and it wasn't fair. I was desperate to know where I stood and I gave you and ultimatum and that wasn't fair. I don't want you to tell me you want me when you don't just because you couldn't bring yourself to tell me. I want you to love me back."

"I do." There's that conviction again and there's the doubt in his mind.

"But I can't believe you. I try and all I get is everything that told me that you didn't… Cutting me out of your life, not telling me you were back, choosing Dean for whatever reason so I love you and you don't believe I should because you don't deserve it which is complete shite because you do, you are a good man." Brendan shakes his head. "Look at me. You are a good man, I wouldn't love you if you weren't and I wouldn't put up with half this shit if I didn't think you were worth it, worth all the pain... The problem is that you say you love me and I can't believe it because if you do you did all that and you did it out of love and it didn't feel like love Bren it felt like punishment, it felt like you were punishing me for loving you and that's a lot to change, a lot to forgive and yeah I always forgive you but this maybe won't go away, maybe I'll always think that I'm not enough for you, that I didn't make you happy and that was the reason you cut me out."

"It wasn't you. You are more than enough, never doubt that."

He still can't trust him and Brendan can see it.

"I want to try and figure something out because I know I'll be happier with you than without so," he breaths out through his nose and steadies himself. "You asked me where we are…" He taps the table. "I'm here and I want you in my life. I trust you with my life." He looks his dead in the eye to get the point across. "But I can't trust you with my heart."

Brendan nods a little.

"I still don't know why you love me…"

He clenches his jaw. He hates Brendan's insecurity prefers it when he has to know it's there under the arrogance instead of it being openly displayed in front of him.

"But if you'll give me the chance then I'll prove I can be the man you want."

"I don't want anyone but you." He tried to change Brendan and failed so he's not trying that one again. He doesn't have to worry about the kids living with him because they don't. They're grown up and they've got their own lives and he knows he can get Laura to protect them. He can worry about Brendan ending up in prison again and himself but those are things that go with the Brendan Brady territory he was a fool for ever thinking that they would ever go away.

"I'll spend the rest of my life proving myself to you…"

"You don't need to." He sighs he doesn't want Brendan changing or pretending he just wants to be able to trust him not to break him.

"I want to. Please Steven, I've let you down so badly, I've hurt you so much please let me try and fix this."

"I'm not broken anymore." He's not Dean, he has to make it clear. He's not broken. He broke but he's more capable than ever of pulling something resembling himself back together. He knows who he is now, knows what he can survive.

"But we are and I want to try and fix it."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah okay."

"So how do we fix us?"

"We just try." He shrugs because he doesn't know if they can fix this but at least if they're both trying then at the very least he knows that he gave it one last shot before it all goes to shit all over again. "You can start by clearing the plates."

"How does that help?" Brendan frowns but there's a glint there.

"It doesn't but I don't want to." He shrugs which reminds him to take another pain killer.

"Don't be lazy."

"I'm a cripple." He claims, pushing his chair back, standing and hopping to the back of the sofa before sliding back onto his quilt.

He sees Brendan smile faintly, then brightly when he looks at him properly.

He watches him moving around the kitchen, allows himself to watch him as he scraps the left overs into the bin and loads the dishwasher and sets it away.

"Oh look at you domestic goddess."

"Man of many talents as you well know." Brendan replies.

And this is what he remembers. This easiness, it's not quite the same there's still a tension but it's better than it has been for… years, he supposes.

"Do you want a drink?" Brendan's getting a bottle of whiskey and a tumblers out for himself.

"Vodka lemonade."

"With pain killers?"

"It's the combination of _choice_." His choice and he's aware it's not a good choice but he's dirt tired but a bit wired from everything. He feels lighter now they've talked and he's still not sure about Brendan and Dean but he feels easier than he did about it so he just wants to sit in front of the TV for a bit and have Brendan close with less of a wall between them because it's still there it's just not looking a hundred foot tall and a thousand miles long anymore.

"For the cripple." Brendan hands him his drink and sits next to him, not touching just next to him. He steals the remote from his hand. "Shouldn't be operating that in your condition."

"It's my ankle not my hands."

"Sure about that?"

"Maybe I should show you." He keeps getting carried away with himself and it keeps causing problems because he always catches himself just after he's put his foot in his mouth.

"Maybe later." Brendan states eyes on the TV, then there's half a glance in his direction and a tiny shake of the head and a smile. The smile that he used to try and get. He loves that smile.

He puts his drink on the floor, settles back into the cushions and waits for Brendan to pick something to watch.

"… You're both creepy." Laura. He frowns a little, he must have drifted off.

Brendan clears his throat a little and he can feel him shift through the cushions. Laura's caught him out.

"How's Callum?" Brendan's voice is loud even when he's trying to be quiet.

"Pissed off mostly managed to talk him out of going after Fred until he at least doesn't have a concussion." She sighs heavily. "I'm still half expecting a phone call saying that he's been arrested or Dad's got him chained up in the basement."

Brendan huffs a laugh.

"Which would you prefer?"

"I'd prefer him to go home, stay in bed and leave the Barnet's alone."

"He won't."

"I know he won't." Laura replies. "Pride has a lot to answer for."

Brendan hums agreement.

"His pride gets him into a lot of trouble."

"Whose doesn't?" She replies easily.

"Did he say anything about the meeting?"

"Rory was just tapping him, he doesn't know anything so it was a waste of time. I can assume Morris was there to tip Fred off as well as hold his side with Rory."

"Rory might have called Fred."

"I've considered it but it's not Rory's style. He'd never be that close when the beating took place, it's too obvious… Anyway I'm heading up. He should spend a night in his actual bed but I don't want to wake him."

"I'll do it."

"Night." He can hear Laura moving across the room then the stairs creak until she's halfway up.

"What am I going to do with you?" Brendan mutters and he feels a gentle hand running through his hair, then fingers on his chest pressing slightly. "Steven." He has no choice but to pretend to stir. He looks up at Brendan, his hand is still on his chest. "Bed time."

"What am I five?" He asks and stretches a little, Brendan's hand is still on his chest. "Couldn't get me my crutches could you?" He left them next to the dining room table and he doesn't have the energy to even try to get them himself.

Brendan retrieves them and hands them to him.

"I'll bring your quilt." Brendan states before he can ask because he can't carry it with his hands full.

He's struggles a little with his coordination but Brendan stays patient behind him until he reaches his room then Brendan steps from behind him and putting the quilt on the bed. He turns and rubs his neck. He looks nervous and uncomfortable.

"Night." Brendan states then goes to walk out, stops, then turns back and walks up to him and gently kisses his bottom lip, pulls away and looks calmer.

"Night." He stutters.

He shuts the door as Brendan leaves and bangs his head against it.

He manages to get himself undressed and into bed, he's not going to let himself think he's just going to get a decent night's sleep. He closes his eyes and wills himself to sleep, not that he needs to try very hard.

Something woke him and he doesn't know what it was. He frowns and looks at the ceiling.

"Sorry." He looks towards Brendan, he's sitting on the floor, back against the wall, head tipped back on the window sill to his left. Dark dressing gown wrapped around him strong legs exposed to him for the first time in… "Didn't mean to wake you…"

He looks at him in the pale light coming through the curtains.

"Have you slept?" He asks because it doesn't look like he has. He looks exhausted and worn, frayed.

"Sleep when I'm dead Steven."

"Yeah well if you don't sleep you'll end up dead a whole lot sooner." He replies closing his eyes and leaning back in the pillow.

There's a silence and he can tell that Brendan holding back. He turns onto his side.

"What?" He asks.

"Last night I slept when I was near you so I thought…"

"You thought you'd sneak into my room? Tired men do really weird things." He has to keep this as light as possible because he's still too tired for heaviness and all he wants is to go back to sleep for a few more hours.

"I'll go." He knows he doesn't want to its written all over his face and he's not making an effort to get up.

He sighs. This is the worst idea he has ever come up with ever the history of his life but he wants Brendan to sleep, wants to take care of him even if they're on a knife edge.

"Come here then." He bites the bullet and moves over closer to the window side because Brendan always preferred to be closer to the door.

"What?"

"If I help then you're not staying on the floor and I'll not be able to sleep if I'm worried about you so…" He taps the other side of the bed. He could easily go back to sleep but it works better with Brendan if he thinks that he's doing something for him rather than something for himself or at least it did.

"You're wasting valuable beauty sleep here." He presses because Brendan looks about as sure as he feels but he won't back out now.

Brendan grunts as he pushes himself up and he shuffles around the bed until he drops onto the top of the covers, not even thinking about getting under them which he is thankful for because that would be a step too far.

"Thank you for this." Brendan says quietly and his voice is small.

"Just don't snore." He states.

"I don't snore." Brendan huffs and the smallness has gone so he counts it as a small victory.

"Won't be a problem then." He stays facing the window but now he's a bit more awake than he was and very aware of the weight dipping the bed. Very aware that Brendan is on his bed and painfully aware that it's been eight and a bit years since they were in or on a bed together.

He's doing this for Brendan. He's trying, this is an olive branch after all the shit he has thrown at him most of which Brendan deserved but he can't help but admit that he's missed it and he can't help but think whose fault it is that they hadn't done it sooner. He pulls a little more quilt over himself and closes his eyes because he invited Brendan and he can't kick him out now because he's not that much of a bastard so he may as well sleep.


	58. Chapter 58

Thank you for your reviews.

Bit unsure about this chapter... I've edited, rewrote, edited, rewrote, edited and edited it again (that's the reason it's taken so long to update this time) I'm still not happy with it. It's one of those chapters that I don't think I'll ever be completely happy with so I'm posting so I can't re-write it again and so I can get on to the next chapter and the plot.

* * *

He wakes up with his cheek pressed against Brendan's rib cage. There's no doubt as to who is in his bed. Just the smell of him is enough to make him know without bothering to open his eyes. He's moved in his sleep and he's put himself under Brendan's arm, his left arm slung across Brendan's waist, pressed there with Brendan's hand, his right arm folded across his own waist under the covers. Brendan is running his fingertips over his bare shoulders, down his back, lazy, gentle strokes that are making his skin tingle. He shifts a little and moves his hand a little, enough to realise he's touching bare, hair covered taught skin, he can feel the hard muscles of abdominals under his fingers. He's aware that he's got morning glory and his cock is getting harder by the second but his hips are away from Brendan and the quilt is between them so it's not obvious another inch forward and quilt or quilt Brendan would know. Possibly does anyway.

"Morning." Brendan's voice rumbles, echo's around the room, under his fingers, in his ears. That voice, sleep worn and under used in the morning. It makes his stomach flutter.

He nuzzles his nose into Brendan's ribs and grips him a bit tighter. He wants to stay like this. Just him and Brendan in a bed forever and it crashes into him just why he shouldn't be in bed with Brendan, why he had let him and why he now shouldn't just enjoy it.

"You never could wake up quickly." Brendan's hand is running through his hair fondly.

But it hammers the point home, just how long it's been. He wants to shut his brain off and just enjoy it but he's realised now and it's not going to go away.

"Time is it?" He asks pulling away just so his head is on his pillow and he's no longer under Brendan's arm. He still wants to be close.

"Nearly ten." Brendan replies sighing.

"Ugh." He can't help but groan when he shifts again because his body is awake now and his muscles are aching again but his ankle isn't protesting as much as it had been doing.

"Okay?" Brendan's on his elbow looking down at him. And his eyes are immediately on his bare torso. His dressing gown has been taken off at some point and used to cover his legs.

He licks his lips. He'd seen him topless in the hospital but not this close, his mouth is watering, it's a response he can't do anything about. His eyes runs all over his broad shoulders, strong arms, beautifully sculpted chest and abs.

"Careful anyone would think you fancy me." Brendan states looking smug.

Always. Complications, bitterness, anger, whatever he still fancied Brendan. Still craved his body.

"What happened there?" He brushes his fingers over the scar he had seen on his hip a couple of days ago and it's basically an excuse to touch him again, get his hands on that body again. It's a fresher scar than he thought.

"Got caught with a broken bottle in a pub brawl." Brendan's voice is stuttering a little. He realises that his hand is drifting across his abs, he looks up and there it is. That hunger that Brendan always used to carry in his eyes when they were close or even in the same room. He lets his hand trail downwards slightly into the hair just below his navel.

"Steven." It's a breathless warning.

He can't help himself, it's like a dare and he never could back down.

He gets his hand under the dressing gown and to the waistband of Brendan's pants before Brendan catches his hand and pulls it up a little.

"You keep that up and I won't be able to stop myself." Brendan's voice is rough and low.

He pushes up onto his elbow and looks down into his dilated eyes.

"What?" He asks as innocent as possible because he knew what it used to do and because he was the one who had started it and he knew he was pushing it, this, everything again but he was just testing past against present again. Seeing if Brendan still reacted like he used to, was still that person. That he still wanted him like he used to.

"Steven." It's a growl, low and rumbling. Fuck the things that tone can do to his insides. And yeah that's exactly what he remembered. He licks his lips and looks up through his lashes at him.

"Fucking look at you, Christ." Brendan groans releasing his hand as he reaches up and traces the line of his jaw and up along his bottom lip gently with his thumb, his lip tingles.

He pushes up and across planting his left hand on the pillow to the side of Brendan's head but as soon as he does it collapses under his weight, his bruised collar bone doesn't like that angle and he ends up sprawled over Brendan's chest.

"Are you okay?" Brendan asks suddenly concern shining through hands one hand to his hip, one on his back.

He feels every single press of their chests against each other, feels the hair, the hardness, Brendan's breathing, he looks up and pushes up off his right hand until he's so close to Brendan's lips that he can feel his breath on his own.

"Don't start." Brendan states quietly, he looks shaky.

"And what were you thinking I was starting?" He asks lifting his chin a touch, he's not sure what he's starting but he's sure where it could end…

"You know fine well."

"Do I?" He asks licking his bottom lip deliberately and he takes satisfaction in Brendan low groan.

"Don't go playing innocent because we both know you're not."

"Thought you preferred me that way." He runs his left hand down the side of Brendan's chest over his nipple, it's amazing to be this close again, to touch again.

"Dangerous game you're playing."

"Half the fun." He runs his hand back up and onto Brendan's shoulders, so broad, so much power in them.

"It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt." Brendan replies and he's serious.

He pulls back and off him. That someone getting hurt. That's him. Getting too close, letting him back in when he knows Brendan's going to hurt him again.

"I need a shower." He states turning and pushing himself out of the covers. Sitting on the side of the bed.

Brendan growls and thumps the bed so hard he can feel it from the other side.

"I said the wrong thing."

"Yeah you did makes a change from doing the wrong thing." He pulls the t-shirt over his head mindful of his shoulder. "Don't worry though I'm used to it." He sighs. Far too used to it.

"I just want you to be sure."

"Or you weren't sure so you put it on me."

"I'm always sure I want to fuck you."

"Don't be so fucking cocky." He replies even though he knows that's where it could have ended because that's what happens, used to happen between them without much conscious thought so it's Brendan's fault for thinking. "I was only going to give you a hand job, maybe a blow job... Might have let you fuck my mouth but you couldn't keep yours shut, now I'm going for a shower and you've got your own room." He tries to find the energy to get up and go which isn't coming, instead he sighs into his hands. What is he thinking?

He closes his eyes, can't believe he lets himself get so carried away but just gets overawed by being close. Being touched and touching again. It's like he can't control his reactions, can't stop the flutter in his stomach, his mouth waters, his heart speeds up, it should have quietened over the years but it hasn't. Years being starved of it have just made it stronger if anything. It's an almost uncontrollable lust that makes him want to be under Brendan's skin, to have him under his skin, in his body, a need to give Brendan pleasure, to give him everything, to make him feel just as wanted as he… Did.

He sighs.

"I don't want to rush this." Brendan sighs, shocking him because he thought he would have had gone back to his own room by now, he was too lost in his own thoughts to realise he hadn't. "I don't want to rush you."

"That's all we ever used to do." Because they were always full tilt, in love, lust, hate or at least hurt and bitterness. Always clawing at each other one way or the other.

"I don't want it if you're not sure. You said it yourself you don't trust me."

He shakes his head and sighs.

"It's just sex. Never used to bother you."

Brendan snorts.

"Aren't we a bit beyond that now?"

He turns and puts his leg onto the bed so his half on half off, right foot still on the floor. Brendan's sitting up against the headboard with his gaze on him.

"You're over sex, fuck what's happened to you? Prison turn you into a monk? 'Course not you were fucking Dean enough."

"That is why it's a bad idea."

"What because I dare bring up your dead ex?" He flicks his tongue against his teeth. He shouldn't have said that but he has now.

"Because I don't want to fuck you and have you throw back at me every chance you get because you regret it."

"Still trying to get in my head." He sighs bitterly.

"I'm trying to stop us doing something you'll regret."

Control. Making his decisions for him, why can't Brendan just stop trying to control him.

"You know that I'll regret it do you? Cos I don't know if I would."

"You don't know and I want you to be sure."

He snorts and turns away ready to get up shaking his head.

"At least look at me." Brendan states.

"No." It's petulant, he doesn't mean it to be.

"Steven."

"No. I don't want to." He feels like such a kid but looking at Brendan, just like touching fills him with so many conflicting emotions, lust, bitterness, love, anger, disappointment, it's clearer when he just doesn't look, doesn't touch but that's all he wants to do. See if Brendan still makes him feel the same.

"Why? I thought you liked looking at me."

He rolls his eyes at that. Of course he liked looking at him, lying there in just his brief's who wouldn't?

"Steven." Brendan says and he's not giving this one up so he may as well just do it.

He looks and his breath catches because Brendan's just so fucking hot, is just everything he wants. Christ, it almost blindsides him completely, the look, the intensity and that body.

"Fuck." He mutters.

"Glad I still have that effect." Brendan smirks and it's sexy as hell.

"You already know you do. Arrogant bastard."

"Arrogance, really? We both know I look good."

He laughs a little.

"Come here." Brendan asks but it's more of a command. It should piss him off but it doesn't not when Brendan's looking at him like that. Not when he wants to be closer to him.

Fuck it. He shuffles until he's next to him, not what Brendan meant but he's not giving in that much. Can still be stubborn in the face of all that.

"You're giving me more than I deserve." Brendan states. "I've done so much wrong, so many things that I regret to you, I don't want to mess this up… You're still angry at me."

"What gives that away?" Because he knows it's clear as day.

"I've got a list." Brendan replies. "I don't want to give you anything else to use against me."

"Rejecting me doesn't help."

"This isn't rejection, you know it's not."

"Feels like it." He mutters.

"Come here."

"I am here."

"Steven, come here." His arms are open and there's that look in his eye.

He goes to move closer, stupidly pushes through his left foot and hisses. Brendan's hands are around his waist and lifting him like he's nothing until he's placed between his legs, back against his chest, Brendan's arms wrapped around his middle, the stubble of his chin on his right collar bone, he can feel it through his t-shirt.

"I missed you." He states. He may had flung it at him, screamed it at him, shouted it but he can't remember just saying it and meaning it like he does right now. Just missed him.

"I missed you too." Brendan sighs and kisses him just behind his ear.

He twists a little, lifts his legs over Brendan's thigh, puts his right arm around his waist, his left against his shoulder and tucks his head under Brendan's chin. Brendan pulls his closer.

He can hear the thud of his heart with his ear pressed into his chest.

It rises from the bottom of his soul, from the pieces of his heart that are trying to find a way of mending back together. He's got to say this and he knows that it's still not going to be enough. It's still not going to fix anything. It's not going to take the doubt away, change anything but he's got to ask for this even if it's pointless and it's going to happen anyway. But he has to ask.

"Please don't cut me out again." He whispers and waits. Waits for an empty promise that Brendan will break anyway. For a promise that won't work, that won't change a damn thing.

He waits with a lump forming in his throat with each passing second.

He waits and realises it's not coming. Brendan's not going to say it. Not even going to make the empty promise.

He sighs and pulls away.

"I really do need a shower."

"Steven." He can hear it in his voice that he's realised now what he was asking for but now it's too late.

"Don't, just go." He carefully put's his foot to the floor, toes and ball of his left foot down preparing to deal with the pain and the weakness.

"I can't get this right." Brendan sighs heavily.

"Maybe there's nothing to get right." Maybe that is what it boils down to.

"You don't believe that."

He snorts and pushes himself up to his feet hobbling a few steps then gripping the bed as he ankle protests the weight.

"Maybe we should just end this before we go any further."

"You were the one that said…"

"Don't blame me." He sighs. "Just don't Brendan. I blame myself enough I don't need you blaming me too."

"You blame _me_." Brendan replies.

"I wonder why?" He sits back down annoyed with himself, his body, he can't even make it across a bedroom floor. It's sickening and pathetic.

Brendan goes towards the bedroom door before spinning back.

"Nothing is ever easy with you is it?"

"Yeah well maybe I'm not worth the hassle." He snaps back.

"You are." Brendan surges forward until he's right in front of him, towering over him but touches his jaw like he's made of glass, then crouches down so he's at eye level. "You are worth it. Worth everything."

"Not enough." He looks away but Brendan puts both hands on his neck, forcing him to look at him.

"I'm not making promises I can't keep, you told me not to promise you anything at all." Brendan states firmly.

"I'm not asking for much." It's barely on the register of their problems. All he wants is something, something so small, so basic.

"Is it because you don't want to or because you're planning on doing it?"

"Because my life doesn't work like that and I've broken enough promises."

Dean snaps into his head straight away.

"Doesn't matter." He tries to pull away.

"It matters." Brendan says forcefully. "I can't promise not going to have to cut you out for your own good."

"For my own good, are you fucking kidding?" He tries to get out of his grip but he can't.

"Steven…"

"No Brendan, if I can't even get that off you what's the point?"

"Doesn't matter what I say you don't trust me anyway."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Mine." Brendan states. "My fault but how is making a promise that I can't keep going to help?"

He doesn't know. He really doesn't. But it would have been something, a tiny little building block that he could start from.

He needs space to work it out, calm down and get his head straight.

Brendan glances down.

He catches on that his hands are wondering of their own accord. Just wondering across the planes of muscle, through the chest hair, up and over the cross tattoo. He follows his hands with his eyes taking in the details that he hadn't forgotten but hadn't remembered.

He shakes himself and pulls his hands away only for Brendan to catch his left hand and push it to his chest.

"Feel it?" Brendan asks. He shakes his head even though he can and Brendan knows he can. The beat against his hand. "That is yours. It belongs to you. I belong to you, with you but I'm not promising anything because that's what got us here in the first place. I promised you a life, the life you deserve and I couldn't give it to you. I wanted to but I couldn't. I'm done breaking promises to you."

He looks at his hand, feels the heart beating under his touch then looks up.

"I'm yours." Brendan says. "Whatever happens I'm yours, always have been, always will be." Brendan releases his hand but it stays there on Brendan chest.

He doesn't let himself think, just leans forward and pulls Brendan to him kissing him hungrily, and Brendan's passive for a split second before he's giving it back just as hard as he's getting. They're both pushing to be closer at the same time, both battling for control until Brendan takes it. He pulls him forward wrapping his arms around him and lifting him so he's got no choice but to wrap his legs around his waist and grip him with his thighs as tight as he can. So much power, so much strength, he grinds his hips forward and Brendan groans in his mouth just as he places him on the bed and shifts them over until they're near the middle, the movement rubbing their cocks together through their underwear, friction, he wants more of it. He thrust up until Brendan drops his hips and grinds down onto him.

Brendan pushes up off him, he groans in frustration and keeps the grip around his waist in attempt to keep him there, he feels Brendan's fingers under his t-shirt, hand on the small of his back pulling him up to create enough space to get his t-shirt off over his head, the pressure relents and he can lean back on to the bed. Brendan throws his shirt away without even looking where it's going to land.

He lets Brendan run his hands over his chest with that look of compete fascination and lust, he's missed that look, being looked at like that like he's the hottest thing that Brendan's ever seen, like all he wants to do is ruin him, then he leans down and trails his mouth over nipples, sucking then nipping, making him spark, grind up, moans a little and writhes. He brings a hand to the back of his head to try and keep him there but Brendan's moving up to his throat, lapping his tongue into his the dip of his throat and groaning deeply. He pulls back again.

"Any idea what you look like under me?" Brendan asks breathlessly, voice rough as gravel, leans down and kisses him, sucking his bottom lip then rolling his tongue over his, deepens the kiss like he can't get deep enough into his mouth and he battles back, pushes up shifts his hips and pulls him down until he gets the friction he wants so badly. They push against each other, his hands claw at Brendan's back to get him down on him, get their chests together because he loved that, loves it, the friction on his chest, the weight, having Brendan all over him but Brendan pulling back again.

"For fuck's sake." He groans and slams his head into the pillow.

Brendan unwraps his legs from his waist with gentle pressure until he's pushing himself over out from between his thighs and drops onto his back next to him.

He looks up to the ceiling then turns and frowns at him because what the fucking hell?

"Your's." He states simply and opens his arms out.

He gets it, Brendan's offering himself up, he can take what he likes, Brendan's not going to stop him, so he'll only have himself to blame, won't be able to blame Brendan.

He wonders how the fuck he's going to do this with his bust ankle but he's going to find a fucking way because he wants it. Wants what Brendan claims is his. Fuck everything he wants it.

He slings his right leg over Brendan's hips and pushes himself up until his straddling him. He tries to get his ankle in some kind of comfortable position but it not working every time he moves it stabbing at him. Brendan shifts them across the bed until he can put his leg off the side and get his toes to the floor. It's not perfect but it's workable thank Christ.

"Desperate?" Brendan smirks, his pupils are blown and his voice is cracked. He's going to wreck him. Cocky bastard.

"Like you're not." He replies sharply dropping forward and sticking his tongue as far as he can into Brendan's waiting mouth he grinds his arse back against Brendan's dick. Brendan growls into his mouth and grips at his hips pushing him back keep him rubbing against the hardness.

He pulls back a little runs his hands down Brendan's cheek down his throat and pushes back until his sitting looking down and it's like nothing else. This kind of power.

The power to have Brendan Brady at his mercy, even though it's Brendan letting him have the power because they both know he's no match physically but that's the point. He can't over power Brendan but he's been given control, he smirks a little although he should be pissed off, Brendan will hand him control in bed but still tries to control every other aspect of his life and call it protection; trailing his nails down his chest, abs, he shuffles his arse back until he's on Brendan's thighs. It doesn't matter right now, he's got Brendan lying there for him to do with what he wants. Hasn't wanted anything else this much in years.

"Gonna stop me this time?" He asks as he reaches the top of Brendan's briefs. Brendan shakes his head. "Yeah didn't think so."

He pulls the briefs down until they're just at the tip of Brendan's swollen cock then trails his hands back up.

"You always were a fucking tease." Brendan growls low, neck arching back.

"Me?" He shakes his head when Brendan's eyes are back on him. "That would be you." He states and kisses at his chest, where his hand was just over Brendan's heart.

"Defiantly you." Brendan lifts up and groans as he bites at his nipple.

"Want to argue about it or do you want me to suck your cock?" He knows the answer.

"You got a…" Brendan serious, or as serious as he can manage while looking a little wrecked.

He rolls his eyes, of course he does, he leans to the side deliberately rubbing his abs over Brendan's cock for him daring to suggest that he hasn't got a condom to hand, that's something Brendan drilled into him, a lot. Old habits die hard.

"_Want to keep you safe Steven." _Safe. He snorts a little to himself, how much trouble has that idea of Brendan's caused. He's too giddy to let himself be angry, he wants this more than the anger because that will still be there tomorrow and Brendan might not be whatever he says.

He finally gets his hand on his wallet and pulls out the wrapper, it's not quite the right size, should be wide enough, but not quite long enough not that that matters too much because he's out of practice and it takes practice to deep throat a man of Brendan's size properly. Doesn't care about that though because he's fairly sure he still knows all the right buttons to press, he can assume they haven't changed.

He shifts back onto the bed, places the wrapper beside him and takes his time to slip Brendan's briefs down an inch at a time revealing more and more, yeah he's defiantly a tease but Brendan deserves it, made him wait long enough. He lifts and shoves them down to Brendan's ankles and he does the rest of the work to get them off.

He stares down at that cock, Christ the things that can do to him, the depths it can get to even without the power behind it. He grips it and Brendan seizes, neck straining. He takes his time to get the feel back. To remember the details, doesn't take much. He spits onto his palm then starts at the bottom and works up to the head. He tears the wrapper and rolls it down as far as it will go, not far off, covering more than he's planning on taking in his mouth, he wraps his hand around the base looks up as Brendan stuffs another pillow behind his head and shifts up an inch he lets him. He wants Brendan to see him doing this wants to make sure that he can't think of anyone else when he does this.

He looks up and waits until he's got Brendan's absolute fixated attention on him and licks at the head, latex taste annoying him a bit but not that much when Brendan curses.

"You'll be the fucking death of me."

He's had enough of teasing him, he takes the head in his mouth loosely and lets his saliva run down until he thinks there's enough and starts to work his tongue over him and sucks hard. He hears Brendan's hand thump the bed, hear him panting. He takes more and more in until he's right at the limits before his gag reflex kicks in, he glances up, it's a dirty trick that he used to use all the time because it used to...

"Steven fucking.. ahh." He groans low in his throat and Brendan's breathe stutters. Yeah still works a treat. He works his hand up as his mouth goes down and he fucking loves doing this. Loves sucking cock. Loves that attention, loves the feel and loves the reactions his mouth can get. He rolls his tongue over the head as he catches his breath, runs his tongue down the side then licks at Brendan's balls taking in the taste clear of the latex, just Brendan before taking them into his mouth one at a time as Brendan thrusts a little.

He's groaning but it's not quite what he's after, he remembers the noise he's after and he wonders if he can still get it out of him. It's a challenge.

He's licks his way back up then set's himself, he reaches for Brendan's hand white with the tension of the grip he has on the bed sheet but Brendan's not letting him have it and he looks up frowning and Brendan shakes his head. He's not going to. He thought he would give in but he's not taking control, he won't. Change of tactic. He takes a breath and pushes down and down until he's at his gag reflex, suppresses it then relaxes throat and pushes again until he can't breath until his eyes are watering, he's still not as far as he used to be able to get, he rolls with Brendan's tiny thrust, he was always good at controlling himself but every man has their limit and he expected that he wouldn't be able to keep his hips completely still. Brendan's thighs are shaking, then there are fingers at his throat, very gentle, still touch which he can feel more when Brendan's cocks at that level, it almost marks his limit as he moves up and down, breathing through his nose until he needs more air, he comes up fully then builds the rhythm faster and faster adding more and more suction, groaning until Brendan seizes completely and thrust up sharply. Makes the choked, cracking noise he was looking for. Then groans like his dying. He rolls his tongue lazily around the head until Brendan's gently pushes at him with his hands to get his mouth off him, pulling the full condom off himself, tying it off and chucking it away before collapsing back onto the pillows panting like he's just finished a five mile run.

"Good?" He asks coughing a little to get his throat working properly again, he's fairly sure it was, pretty sure that the ache in his jaw and throat is worth it.

Brendan doesn't reply just reaches a little uncoordinated for him, he takes pity and moves up then Brendan turns him over and pins him kissing him hard and pulling his boxers down harshly. It's about five seconds before Brendan's has his mouth on his cock, and all thoughts go completely. Brendan grips his hands and forces them to the back of his head and he takes him straight down into his throat and he can't help thrusting because fucking hell the heat, the tightness, the roll of Brendan's tongue, he was half there watching Brendan come apart, it'd take less than this make him loose it. He shoots down his throat hard, moaning and panting.

"Fuck." His heart is thumping in his ears.

Brendan crawls up his body, eyes fixed on his, kisses him slow and filthy, he can taste himself on Brendan's tongue. Fine for him to give a blow job without a condom, same old story. Brendan breaks the kiss and buries his head in his neck kisses mixed with pants. He runs his hands over Brendan's back as he's calming himself down, getting his breath back.

Brendan pushes himself off him on shaky arms and pushes off him rolling to the side he takes a breath, closes he eyes briefly then shakes his head and leans over to kiss him a couple of times.

"That mouth of yours should have a fucking health warning." His voice is still a little wrecked.

"Not the first time that's been said." He replies because it's not. Usually it's what he says with it not what he does with it.

He leans over and puts his head onto the centre of his chest, ear against it listening to his heat beat still fast. Brendan wraps an arm around his shoulders and he shivers, his skins too sensitive.

"Look at you." Brendan says a little off, he frowns at the tone, he feels a kiss being placed on the top of his head.

He lies there on Brendan's chest trying to keep reality at bay, trying to stop himself from thinking, trying to just stop and enjoy it. But he can't.

It's almost as though Brendan feels the shift in him as he kisses his head again and grips him tightly, like he doesn't want to let go, but he did let go, he let go and didn't come back, wouldn't have come back. And all of this only shows him what he had already known, that if they'd been together throughout everything they would have been great instead of what they are now, a pain filled, bitter mess.

He kisses Brendan chest where his heart is and untangles himself.

"I really need that shower." He states and shuffles over to the side, his legs are a little shaky as he uses the window sill as a balance. He doesn't bother pulling anything on because Brendan's seen it all before anyway and it's a bit late for modesty after that.

He dares a glance at the bed as he goes to shut the door. Brendan's got his hands together as if in prayer in front of his face with his eyes closed, he must feel his eyes on him because he parts his hands and rubs his hair, opens his eyes and looks at him with the kind of sadness that he's never wanted to see on Brendan's face ever, he closes the door, can't bare to look at it, to see the hurt he's causing him.

He leans back against the door.

He doesn't want to hurt him, he just doesn't want to get hurt himself anymore and Brendan can't promise him that and he needs to work out if he can live with it, he knows the answer, Brendan's name is carved in his heart, it's not going anywhere, doesn't matter what he does, what promises he doesn't make, he's still going to love him, still going to want to be near him, want him in his life and he's still going to get hurt and can't help but wonder why he's such a glutton for punishment and why love can't just be easy.

He hobbles to the shower and turns it on stepping into the warm spray, tipping his mouth to rinse it out he sighs and starts washing himself.

By the time he gets out and back out into the room Brendan's gone and the door is shut. He hops to the bed and lies on the quilt. It still smells like Brendan. He sighs into it.

He needs to be prepared to give his heart and have it broken all over again instead of holding back and defending it with bitterness and refusing to give an inch. He needs to try or it's never going to work. He saw it written all over Brendan's face.

It gnaws at him. His heart rages against his head and it's a battlefield that has no clear winner only destruction.

He sighs and pulls some jeans and t-shirt on, picks up his crutches and negotiates around the bed and opening the door like a pro now he's more used to them.

Brendan's sitting on the sofa dressed in jeans and half buttoned black shirt chest barely covered by the fabric, feet crossed on the coffee table, cup in hand.

He shakes his head, it's ridiculous how much he fancies him. Stupid how much he loves him and completely insane that he wants to try this. That he's willing to try this after everything, he's willing to let Brendan try regain his trust, prove that he's worthy of it even though he's not even sure it's possible but he's going to open the door a crack for Brendan, give him an inch and see what he does with it.

"Made you a coffee." He states and flicks a finger at the mug next to his foot on the table.

"Thanks." He replies sitting next to him.

"What do you want to do today?" Brendan asks and he frowns at him.

"Sit and watch telly, there's nought else to do." There's the news channel playing at the moment, Brendan's got the remote but he's not watching that all day.

They lapse into a comfortable silence, drinking their coffee.

"Come for a drive with me?" Brendan asks.

"Where to?" He asks even though he doesn't really care the chance to get out of the house is enough of an inventive.

"Around, maybe stop off somewhere get something to eat."

He can still remember the time when that idea would have been the last thing Brendan ever said to him, not the driving because they had done that, had more than a little fun doing that, but a meal together... The idea of being seen out with him always lead to disaster, then he'd changed and got used to his sexuality, stopped caring so much about being seen, stopped being ashamed and eventually tentatively come to embraced it.

He needs to work out who Brendan is now, remind himself of the changes from when they first met however striking so he can work out just how he has changed from when they were together to now and get to know him again.

"Yeah alright." He shrugs and takes a pain killer with his next mouthful of coffee.

"Laura's off on a walk somewhere left a note." Brendan points towards the kitchen counter. "And the BMW keys." He takes them out of his pocket.

"I'll get my hoodie." He reaches for his crutches.

"You sit there and finish that, I'll get your hoodie." Brendan states.

"Careful you'll get me thinking you're a gentleman." He calls as Brendan goes into his bedroom and comes back with it in hand.

"Got to do my part for those less fortunate than myself, cripple's especially." He drops it on his lap.

"Injured, not crippled."

"I'll remind you of that when the washing up needs doing tonight."

"If you want me to cook you'll be doing the washing up and not complaining about it. There's a dishwasher anyway."

He pulls the hoodie on and takes his time to get to the car leaving Brendan to lock up while he gets himself in to the passenger's seat and puts his crutches to one side.

"Ready?" Brendan asks as he drops into the driver's seat, starts the engine and guns it a little.

"Yeah come on then." He leans back in his seat as Brendan pulls off down the drive.


	59. Chapter 59

Thank you for your reviews, for reading this far and for sticking with this. I know it's hard going.

Author's novel again: You know when I wrote that it might take 50 chapters to finish this, it really might take that long, properly longer at the rate I seem to be going at the moment. 10 chapters to cover what amounts to 3 days (don't think I've ever been this slow in covering time) but I wanted it this bit to be too much happening between them too quickly, I wanted them to be rushed to make it more complicated not like it needs to be anymore complicated... I wanted Ste out of his comfort zone away from his normal life, unable to retreat to work to make this even more intense, rough and bumpy...

This is still section 5 (I said it was almost a story of it's own), section 6 (what the hell may as well I've written this much may as well keep going) and 7 are still to come.

Anyway, sorry about the novel of notes, on with the actual story…

* * *

"Do you even know where you're going?" He asks after twenty minutes of the hum of tarmac under the wheels and looking out the window. There's so much to look at, there's so much he's never seen before, the rolls of the valleys, the mountains, the lakes, rivers and streams. He should travel more, he's spent most of his life in the same places. He's seen more of other countries than he's seen of his own.

"No."

He turns his head sharply. He thought that Brendan had a plan, or at least a clue where they were going but apparently not.

"So we're lost?" He asks, he's not actually bothered, there are worse places to be lost and he's sure they get back to the house eventually he's got sat nav on his phone. It's not like he has anywhere he needs to be.

"No."

He frowns.

"We're getting lost." Brendan states.

"And why are we doing that?" He doesn't understand but that doesn't seem to matter really in the grand scheme of things. Here, there, Hollyoaks, Chester, the moon it's not going to make much of a difference in this.

Brendan shrugs as though that explains everything.

He puffs out his cheeks.

"Have you ever been up here before?"

"No."

"Me either… Shame really cos it's nice isn't it… Not many people, different to what I'm used to… Not much traffic around either, I thought everyone came up here, hear it all the time don't you, the Lakes, loads of people come up here…" He's rambling, he can't help it and he catches Brendan smiling a bit. "What?"

"Just nice to hear."

"What me going on and you not saying anything? Really. The art of conversation dead to you is it?" He asks.

"No, just… It's nice. You talking and not shouting at me."

"I'm talking rubbish though, suppose I've always done that haven't I?"

"I don't care, doesn't bother me, it's that accent of yours..."

"What's wrong with my accent? Not all of us can be all… Irish." He finishes lamely and Brendan laughs.

"Best you can come up with?"

"Yeah actually."

Brendan smiles and shakes his head.

"There's nothing wrong with your accent, it's different."

"Different? Different good or different like when you've had this drink and you don't like it but you don't want to offend the person that made it?"

"I like you accent." Brendan states.

"That's good cos it's not likely to change now is it? Stuck with it."

"Good job I like it then isn't it."

"Well if you didn't…" He trails off.

The tension shoot up his spine with a vengeance. It really is like walking on egg shells. Even when he's just talking about nothing he can find himself saying the wrong thing that hit's a nerve within himself.

"You've really got no idea where we're going?" He goes back to a safer subject.

"No we'll find out when we get there."

"How are we meant to know when we get there?"

Brendan shrugs.

"Dead helpful that." He huffs.

"Aim to please."

He's not used to this. Not used to talk to Brendan with so many subjects off limits, not that they are off limits it's just he doesn't want to have another slanging match which he knows it'll turn into because the anger is just there, just under the surface and it won't take much for him to let it loose. He doesn't want to though so he's put any conversations to one side that are going to either hurt him or piss him off. There aren't many safe subjects at all to be honest, all roads can lead to hurt or at least it feels that way.

It's so fragile, he didn't think it would be, he should have known it would be. It's like even the slightest spark could set this off, make it explode and burn. It's uncomfortable knowing that one wrong word could make him take that inch that's he's prepared to offer back but he has to be so careful, he needs to protect himself. It's like he's feeling his way, trying to find what that inch amounts to and it's so hard to judge and Brendan's not giving him enough to work it out.

He pulls his phone out of his pocket for something to occupy his mind with. There's a text off Tony asking if he's alright, another off Sam asking the same, Harry asking about changing the special's menu and asking him to ring if he wants to put anything on.

He can't believe he's only been off work a few days and he feels like he's completely out of sync. He'd forgotten about the special's menu, hadn't thought anyone would want his input to b honest because Tony, Harry and Marc were the ones cooking it and he's not sure how long he's off for yet. He really could do with knowing but it's his ankle. There's no way he could work with it the way it is at the moment.

He sighs and leans back. There'll be all the ordering to do tomorrow, all the shifts to work out.

"What's on your mind?" Brendan asks.

"Work."

"Work?"

"Yeah, you know that thing you do to earn money."

"Yeah I know a thing or two about it…"

"Just wondering how they're getting on without me." Wondering how Marc is coping with the heavier shift load, if his wife is annoyed, how his kids are. He hates being this useless.

"I'm sure they're fine."

"Yeah." He hopes that Harry is stepping up and help Tony out properly and not getting buried and needing Jenny to stagger the tables so hard they end up backed up. "I should give Tony a ring." Catch him between shifts, although it's not like he can offer to do anything, he can't do the ordering without the order book for the previous week to work from and he can't really work out any of his special's without seeing what's on offer, he can guess, it's not like it's been that long but he just feels more comfortable working with the book in front of him, knowing what ingredients he can get cheap and working out what to do with them.

"He's got a couple of flat's now hasn't he?" Brendan asks.

"Yeah had them a while."

"Didn't want him as your landlord?" There's an angle that Brendan's getting towards and he's sure that it's not a good one at least not for keeping this off touchy subjects.

"Didn't see the point in moving." He couldn't bring himself to move more like. He'd decided that he wasn't moving because if he did move then maybe Brendan wouldn't know where to look for him. So he had stayed in that grotty flat because that's where Brendan would be able to find him and that's where some of his best memories where, some of his worst too but the key had been Brendan knowing where to come for him…

"Could've afforded it though."

"Yeah, could've but I spend so much time at work that it didn't seem worth the hassle." He's quite proud of how even he keeps his voice. "I work ridiculous hours, six days a week, two shifts sometimes three a day, start at six in the morning finish at one, two in the next morning some days. I work shifts in SALLT as well when we need two chefs on, don't really get any time off. But that's what I have to do, they're my businesses so I have to put the work in just like Tony." He hopes he driven the conversation onto firmer ground.

Brendan closes his eyes for a split second too long to be safe driving.

"You've come a long way." Brendan sounds proud of him and it grinds on him. Brendan proud of him, he used to crave that but now it feels like he could choke on it.

"Yeah well I had to do something didn't I?" Couldn't stay the waster the loss of Brendan had made him.

Brendan sucks on his bottom lip.

He grits his teeth and takes a deep breath.

"Sorry." He rubs at his face.

"Don't apologise." Brendan states firmly. "Only meant you've come a long way from when we first met."

"We both have." He replies. And he means that because the Brendan driving this car is not the same as the one he met in the club that day and smacked him in the face. He's calmer, softer in a way, stronger, more powerful, he was powerful then but in a different way, he was powerful in anger in self-hatred, in using that against everyone now though he's powerful in the self-assured way, still not completely at ease but still so far removed from who he was. He's still the same man, still capable of the same things, worse things… Brendan wasn't a murderer until after he met him, he became a murderer to protect him. He bites his tongue hard. He can't stop the guilt he feels about that.

"What do you want to eat?" Brendan asks, they're coming into a town and he can see the sea.

"Don't know." He's not even that hungry, can't think of anything he actually wants to eat.

"We're beside the sea so fish and chips?"

"Yeah alright, just chips for me though."

Brendan pulls the car up and goes into the chip shop while he sits in the car.

The tension leaves him the second Brendan shuts the door. It just flows away, the anxiety of saying the wrong thing, of this not working, of Brendan saying something and him pushing him away so hard that he doesn't come back and he ruins everything, it's all gone when Brendan's not there but it's replaced by another worry that Brendan's just playing him and he's going to let himself fall into the trap that's he's going to leave no matter what… He shakes his head and tries to fight it. Brendan wouldn't have bothered to say any of the stuff he did over the past few days if he was just planning on… But he would. He'd say anything, he knows he'd say anything, it's happened before.

"Fucks sake." He mutters and smack his hand off the dash.

It's too fucking mixed up. What's the point of giving Brendan even an inch if this is just a game? What's the point in even trying to get his head around the idea that they could work things out? Brendan says he wants them to but he'll say anything, he'll lie and even if he can read Brendan and knows when he's lying there's enough doubt there that Brendan's changed enough that he's not going to be able to read him properly any more.

He needs something. Something solid and Brendan can't give him that, no, he can't take that from Brendan it's all shifting too much.

The door swings open and Brendan hands him a bag before dropping back behind the wheel.

And there it is again. As soon as Brendan's back it changes. Just having him close changes his mind and it's back to the fear that he's going to push Brendan out completely by saying the wrong thing.

He could cry with it, the frustration is weighing him down, gnawing at him, clawing at him, it's far too much.

Brendan drives them through the town and down onto a coast road.

"Morecombe bay." Brendan states pointing to the sea outside his window visible every so often through the tree's lining the road.

He pulls off the road and down a track until they're facing the water.

"Come on." Brendan states, taking the bag of food from next to Ste's feet and opening his door heading around to the boot.

He blows out a breath and tries to shut himself off, get himself back with it. Concentrate on being with Brendan and trying to work out who he is now because maybe if he can work that out then it might just quieten his racing mind down and get him a grip on whether he is being played.

Brendan opens his door.

"Coming?" He looks concerned, almost nervous, it's like he can see the doubt somehow and he's not sure.

He nods and get himself out of the car and onto his crutches.

It's a beautiful day, warm with a bit of breeze. It's the smell that hits him, that salt smell that only comes from being near the sea.

The harder track becomes sand quickly and he struggles a bit with his crutches but Brendan is putting the blanket on the sand a few metres away so he hasn't got far to go. He sits himself down and takes his trainers and sock off leaving the strapping on his ankle.

"Chips in the paper alright for a head chef these days?" Brendan asks handing him the open packet.

"Not exactly Michelin star you know." He replies.

"I got you a fork." He smiles a little as Brendan offers a little wooden folk to him.

"I'll use my fingers." He wonders just how much Brendan thinks he's changed… He knows he has he just wonders if Brendan knows it.

He looks out over the water then along the beach. They're far enough back that the scrub and the trees are blocking them from view further along the beach. It's like they're the only ones for miles…

It just feels right to be eating chips from paper while sitting on a beach looking out across the bay.

It just feel right to have Brendan sat next to him devouring what amounts to whale and chips, the fish is massive. He couldn't even imagine attempting to eat all that but at the rate he's going he'll be finished long before he even manages half his portion.

"Okay?" Brendan asks, folk full poised half way to his mouth.

"Just…" He shrugs and shakes his head.

It's just… Sad. Just sad that this exactly where he wants to be, hurt, doubt, frustration, confusion included this is exactly where he wants to be, next to Brendan.

He should make the most of it. He doesn't know how long he'll be there.

He finishes as much as he can manage and hands the scrunched up paper to Brendan to put in the bag.

Brendan lies back on the blanket arms behind his head, eyes closed.

The sun beams down on him in a big break in the cloud leaving blue sky above them and he if they aren't going anywhere at least he can guess they aren't, Brendan's not looking like moving anytime soon. He pulls his hoodie off and his t-shirt as well, he may as well top up his tan a bit, he rolls up his jeans and takes the strapping off his ankle. He uses his hoodie as a pillow and lies back letting the sun warm his skin.

He doesn't know how long he's lying there before he feels a shadow over his left side, he looks up wincing against the glare of the sun, the shadow moves and with it he can see without being blinded clearly Brendan's staring down at him. Leaning towards him and he's just looking at him.

He frowns at him.

Brendan dips and catches his bottom lip in a gentle kiss, so light, barely any pressure. Stubble brushing his chin, breath against his mouth, he pulls back a little then dips again, same barely there touch that's making him light up, Brendan touching runs his fingers along his hair line, he presses a little more into his top lip. He reaches up and runs his fingers up from Brendan's neck into his hair. On the next dip he catches Brendan's bottom lip and kisses back, pulls him down a bit. It's slow and light just lips playing over each other until Brendan leans back and trails his fingers down his chest. Palm flattening over the tattoo on his hip. He can see Brendan's eyes flicking over him, everywhere. He dips back down and kisses him more firmly, the hand on his hip grips a little and there's a shift, Brendan's arm around his head against the top of his hair, a little more weight on him, he wraps his other arm around Brendan's waist and presses his fingers to his spine.

The kiss deepens a little further and he can run his tongue across Brendan's.

It's all slow and a little lazy until Brendan's hand is dripping lower on his hip and down onto his thigh pulling a little he turns his hips and gets his right elbow under himself to rolls further into Brendan, deepens the kiss further but doesn't increase the pace, Brendan makes a breathless sound, almost a groan then breaks the kiss before dipping back and kissing him firmly and breaking it again.

He frowns at him.

"What was that about?" He asks and his voice is a little caught in his throat.

Brendan breathes through his nose and rolls his shoulders, his mouth drops at the sides a little, a thoughtful look.

"Can't expect me not to kiss you when you're lying there like that."

"Like what?" He frowns because he's just sun bathing.

"All…" It's like he can't find the words, he runs his fingers through his hair again and follows the movement with his eyes then dips for another kiss that's full of heat but far too quick for his liking.

Brendan takes his hands off him and rolls back and sits up sharply, knees drawn up, elbows to them, fingers drumming in the air.

"Brendan?" He frowns. He doesn't understand.

"You think we can do this?" Brendan asks firmly.

He snorts.

"I don't know." He replies.

"Do you think you'll ever forgive me?"

He lies back and closes his eyes.

"I always do." He sighs.

"Eventually." Brendan states. He hears he the flick of tongue against teeth, a suck of breath through them. "I'm not sure you should."

"I'm not sure I should either but I will." As sure as night follows day always he does.

"I don't like this…" He turns onto his side and looks at him.

"What?" Panic is bubbling in his stomach and the conflict with the possible relief that this could be over. That Brendan could end it right here right now. It should be horrendous, should be making beg Brendan not to but he can't because he's not sure it wouldn't be better that way.

Brendan shakes his head and drops it down towards his knees.

"You shouldn't let me close to you." He states bringing his head up and looking directly at him. "I don't deserve it. I ruined your life. Everything that happened to you, it's all my fault."

His stomach knots up. It would be so easy to let Brendan take the blame, to use it as an excuse but he can't let him.

It was his own fault, he can remember a number of arguments with Laura about just that, that he couldn't blame Brendan for everything or anyone else for that matter. It's his life and he makes his own choices. He was the one who started taking the drugs, he was the one that went out looking for sex, he was the one that had mucked things up with Jamie.

"That what you think?" Obviously he does.

"That's what you said."

"I blamed you for ages, dead easy to, but it was a cop out I ruined my own life."

"You wouldn't have…"

"Brendan I made so many shit choices and I did blame you for them but it wasn't you, you weren't even there it just made it easier to blame you. I did it to myself."

"Wouldn't have if I had been there." Brendan states.

"You can't change the past. What happened, what I did to myself. I did to myself. I can't change it, you certainly can't."

"It was my fault."

"No Brendan it was my fault, it was me, not you and you can't take the blame for it because it's not yours to take."

Brendan leans his chin onto his bicep.

"You're counselling is showing."

"Yeah well it worked." He shrugs a little. "I wanted it to work so it worked. I needed someone to help me see things clearly. Remind me of my priorities, my responsibilities when I was slipping backwards."

"And she did that?"

"Yeah."

"Bet you weren't an easy patient." Brendan smiles a little. "Stubborn."

"We've had more than a few slanging matches if that's what you're getting at." He licks his lips. "I hit her once."

Brendan deeply frowns at that.

"Proper hit her, like…" He shakes his head. "Lost it with her."

"Why?"

Because he was scared of being controlled, because he was angry with himself, angry with Brendan and took it out on her.

"Doesn't matter."

Brendan nods.

"Why don't you like her anyway? Thought she'd be someone you'd like. She doesn't take shit."

Brendan jaw tenses and his fingers flick at the air again.

"She's close to you."

"So?"

"She's got influence on you…" Brendan fidgets and rakes his hair. "I was jealous."

"Of Laura?"

"She's… I don't know Steven it's like I could see her getting between us, like she would see everything I am and know I'm no good for you and make sure you wouldn't listen to me, she would poison you against me… Even though she'd be right to… I just didn't like it someone being between us… She's so protective of you."

He chokes a laugh at that.

"Says the man who killed to protect me." He swallows the guilt that rises with that statement, he can't change it. "Can't you just get along?"

"I'm trying." Brendan states.

He nods a little.

"She's not between us." He had heard her say as much to Brendan herself.

"I know." He can tell he means it, that he does know.

He sighs and lies back and closes his eyes.

"We're the only ones in our way."

It's him and it's Brendan that are standing between them. No one else, not now Dean is dead. Just them forcing them apart.

He's the one clinging to Brendan but pushing him away at the same time.

He can't trust Brendan and that inch he's willing isn't going to be enough to keep him, Brendan can't be with him if he doesn't trust him, can't even fuck him if he doesn't trust him. And Brendan… Brendan doesn't want them to be together. Wouldn't have hidden from him if he had wanted it, would have come for him. Wouldn't be looking for excuses.

He's convenient, Brendan's only here now because he asked him to. Brendan wouldn't, didn't fight for him or them.

He feels it sinking. Them sinking.

He feels it with startling clarity. They're a lost cause.

He knows they are, first time he'll admit it and accept it. Love isn't going to be enough, he can't believe it would ever be enough to get through this.

"Don't do it." Brendan whispers and it's so quiet he could pretend not to hear it.

"Don't do what?" He rubs his face.

"That look on your face says it all, Steven, please don't."

"Don't what?"

"Please don't give up on us now."

He can't find the words. Can't say it. He's cracking under the strain because he knows he has to. Has to draw a line under this, under them and finally know what he should have known all along there is no hope.

He bites his bottom lip and takes a heaving breath.

Brendan is on him before he can say anything. Before he can even let the breath out. He's gripping him, kissing him, tongue invading his mouth, all over him everywhere and he's overawed with it. He can't catch a breath all he can do is kiss him back, lose himself in Brendan's intensity, in the passion with which he's pushing into him.

Brendan rolls on top of him grabs his hands and pins them into the blanket beneath him, he increases the pace and he gives into it, keeps with him pushes up against the grip on his wrists. Brendan roars back.

"Want me to stop?" Brendan demands, he looks wild, desperate. It's a plea.

He shakes his head. He doesn't want him to stop. He wants more.

"Fuck me." He states because maybe if he does then maybe there's still something, maybe he can find something in it to hold onto in the chaos.

"Steven…" Brendan's not lost enough, not desperate enough not to look around them. Exposed on the beach.

Anyone could see them. But the whole world could and he wouldn't care right now. He wants to try and find that something that means he doesn't have to give Brendan up.

"I want it." He aches up against him and tries to get his wrists free but the grip is unrelenting. "Give it to me."

Brendan doesn't even hesitate just drops to him and sears his mouth with a bruising kiss, like he's claiming him, like he belongs to him and it's the possession that sets him alight. To know that Brendan wants him this much. He aches up and tries to get some friction from somewhere and Brendan grinds down into him. Dick had against his stomach as he rocks against him belt digging into his abs catching a bit of pain always did get him up through the gears quicker, Brendan's rolling into him and he's kissing him like he can't get enough.

He moans and writhes, he wants his hands free but all Brendan will allow is lifting his wrists and planting them into the sand above his head, his collar bone protests strongly, he groans and bites at Brendan's lip to take it out on him. And Brendan gives it straight back leaving his mouth and biting at his chest then up to his neck, sucking and bruising, stubble biting into his skin, burning.

There's a gap between them as Brendan lifts up, taking one hand away but the look in his eyes tells him not to move his hand but he never did as he was told so he wraps his legs around Brendan's waist and uses his free hand to pull at Brendan's shoulder to get him back down, back on him. His hand is pinned straight back.

"Patience."

"Fuck patience." He growls back and arches trying to get free. Brendan's having none of it. Pins him down and stops everything. Stays on top of him, the weight of his hips has him pinned from the waist down to his thighs, there's no way out, no way to get free. He struggles against him anyway, it's a pointless exercise, a total waste of energy. He bangs his head down and stops struggling because he's getting nothing if he doesn't give in.

A few breaths and Brendan's got a hand off his left wrist, he stays still, then his right wrist. He wants to get his hands on him but it won't work, if Brendan wants him still then he will be still before anything else happens.

Brendan's head drops and a licks a trail up from the top of his abs to his adam's apple. A nip at his jaw.

"Good boy."

"Fuck you." He grits out between his teeth.

Brendan grins a little, reaches back and smacks him on the arse. He grinds up and Brendan stops again. Still. He reminds himself.

Brendan nods and starts work on his belt and the button of his jeans, pushes against his thighs, and gives him a look.

"You know I'll give it to you Steven, I will." Brendan's asking for his trust in this, asking him to hand himself over and trust Brendan to get him through it.

He knows without doubt that Brendan's not going to hurt him with this, not going to take more than he's offering.

He relaxes his grip on Brendan's waist and let's his legs back down. Brendan works them down, gentle when he gets to his ankles.

He's on a beach completely naked with Brendan Brady between his thighs, his life… He can't believe it sometimes.

Brendan's still for a moment then back down on him, tongue back in his mouth briefly licking into him. Then down to his abs, a sucking kiss, and lower until his breath is quick against his cock. His hips surge up when he feels Brendan tongue touch the head, he feels the pre-come leak out, Brendan grips his arse and rolls him up until his weight is across his shoulder blades, blows on his hole then licks straight over it. He groans and tries to get his legs around Brendan to keep him there, right there. Brendan spits then licks again, licks then there's a pressure, the tip of Brendan's tongue on his hole pushing a little. He tries to relax against the intrusion, makes himself. Let's Brendan's tongue deeper as he works him, licks and spits then stabs inside.

"You're tight." Brendan states, his voice rough, his pupils blown as he looks up at him.

It's been a while, he knows he is.

Brendan sits back and reaches into his back pocket pulling out his wallet and pulling out a couple of sachets of lube and a condom.

He's going to do it, he thought he'd back off. Change his mind. Stop. But he's not and it's a relief because he doesn't think he could stand it.

Brendan spread lube across his fingers rubbing it in.

He closes his eyes and focuses on relaxing as the first digit pushes in, gentle but assured, then a second and it's harder to take and he has to make himself relax.

"Ah." He can't help but cry out as Brendan takes his cock in his mouth, works his fingers in the same rhythm as he slides up and down.

He glances down and Brendan's looking up at him. His fingers slip deeper, rolling, working him open, a third is added he thrust his hips. It's too much, too good, he's going to come if Brendan keeps it up.

"Bren…" He states, then groans. "Do it."

"I'm not going to hurt you."

"I'll be fine just do it." He wants it, he wants Brendan's cock in him, wants it more than the fingers which brush against his prostate and shoot pleasure through him.

Brendan sits back and undoes his belt drops his jeans and briefs in one go unleashing his rock hard cock. He reaches down and strokes it a couple of times, spreading the pre-come down until Brendan's batting his hand off and rolling on the condom, spreading the contents of the last of the first sachet then the whole of the second over his cock.

The nerves kick in a little, he needs to relax, Brendan doesn't want to hurt him, he wants Brendan inside him and if he doesn't relax it's going to hurt more than it needs to.

Brendan rubs the head over his hole a few times, intense concentration on his face. He feels the tip push in and he tenses a little. Brendan grips his arse and get's his knee's under him then leans forward with one hand pushed into the blanket beside his head.

Brendan leans down and kisses him gently, sucks on his tongue and he relaxes again. The pressure is back, intense pressure, he whimpers into Brendan mouth, it's huge, he's forgotten, he thought he remembered but it feels bigger. He arches against Brendan just wanting it in, in and then the pleasure comes, it's burning and it's too much, he's too full, he can't take it, it's hurting. He can't bring himself to breathe. He's erection is flagging in the face of the pain.

Brendan stops, stays still and keeps kissing him, he breathes again, breaths through it, he nods and Brendan slides in another inch. He wraps his arms around Brendan, grips at him, digs his fingers into his back.

He pants against Brendan's neck as he slips forward another inch then draws back then back in further his nails dig in deeper, then he jolts as Brendan's cock contacts against his prostate.

"Okay?" The strain is all over Brendan's face.

"Yeah." And he is, stretched wide up with Brendan buried inside him, all over him, he nods his head into Brendan's neck and groans as Brendan rolls his hips, maybe an inch in and out but it feels like more. Then he does it again and he eases a bit, again and he with it.

"Come on." He moans and pants, light flashing before his eyes as Brendan catches his prostate full on.

"It'll be quick." Brendan pants and kisses him filthily before pushing up off him and looks down at where he's buried inside him like he can't believe it, he looks up and thrusts forward.

"Fuck." He shouts, neck straining as his head tips back.

Brendan keeps the rhythm slow, long strokes but it's building all the time and becoming shallower, faster then Brendan back in his mouth, they pant and kiss and he's giving it back as hard as he's getting it. He doesn't care that he's moaning like a slut because it's incredible, having this again is mind-blowing.

The pressure is building, the pleasure intensifying.

"Close?" Brendan groans into his mouth and he's not there yet, then Brendan wraps a hand around his cock still slick with lube and that's got him closer, reaching for it, Brendan changes angle slightly and every thrust is getting him closer. And closer until he loses it all over Brendan's fist and stomach, groaning and blinded a little and Brendan's fucking him harder and harder until his hips stutter and he buries himself deeper groaning then dropping forward until his forehead his resting on his chest. He runs his fingers through his hair and tries to get his breathing back, his heart beat back under control.

Brendan pulls out and it's shocking how empty he feels. He watches him, can't take his eyes off him.

"First time I've had sex on a beach." Brendan groans pulling away tieing off the condom and putting it in the bag with the rubbish. He tucks himself away, zips up and closes his belt.

"Look at the state of you." He shakes his head and drops a kiss onto his mouth. "I know you're shameless Steven but at least put some boxers on."

He can't stop looking at him to do anything but lie there.

Brendan shakes his head and pulls the boxers on for him then groans and drops onto his back, he looks up, licks his lips, coughs a little then turns to look at him. Reaches for him, pulls at him until he's lying on Brendan's chest with his arms wrapped around him.

"Don't you dare give up now." Brendan states firmly.

"Thought you wouldn't fuck me if I didn't trust you." He sighs and closes his eyes.

"I said I wouldn't fuck you if you weren't sure. You were sure." Brendan replies.

He looks up and Brendan's eyes are piercing daring him to contradict him but he can't.

He blows out a breath. Yeah he was sure, he wanted it and he didn't regret it. Couldn't regret it. Couldn't use it against Brendan because he had asked for it, demanded it.

"Shame you couldn't have been sure somewhere a little less public." Brendan sits up and looks around them, trying to see if someone saw them. "Thought a cop was going to show up."

He can imagine it and it thrills him a little, he really is a delinquent.

"Would you have stopped or made him wait until we were finished?" He jokes.

"I'd have told him to fuck off can't you see what I've got under me."

"Don't think he would have cared."

"He'd have had sympathy. The way you look with my cock in you… Any man would understand."

"What if it was a woman?"

"I'd have charged her for the show."

He laughs and shakes his head, he can't stop the grin that's on his face.

Brendan looks down on him and grins back then sobers.

"Thought I'd lost you for a second there."

"I think you did." He admits.

Brendan nods sadly.

"I can't lose you."

"I'm not dying."

"For a minute there it was worse than that." Brendan sighs and reaches down and takes his hand and turning towards him and playing with his fingers. "I forgot what it was like to have you around me… You make everything feel better, brighter, just being around you makes me feel like I can be a better man, make everything clear. What's important, what's not. For a minute there it felt like my life was over… You've got to understand Steven I can't live without you."

"You did though." He sighs.

"You've never given up on me before, not right in front of my face. Not when it felt like there was nothing I could say that would make you change your mind. It's never felt hopeless before."

"That's why you fucked me." He frowns.

"Never been that good with words Steven, had to try something. Last act of a desperate man." Brendan kisses his palm and gently places it down.

He sits up and stretches his abused muscles and gets used to the soreness in his arse, it's satisfying in a way. A reminder of what they did.

Brendan's got his head bowed, he looks small and fragile, breakable.

He's got the power to break him, he never thought he did, never believed he could but he can see it now. Brendan can break him into a million pieces but he can do the same thing to him.

He reaches his arm around his shoulders and moves closer to him, Brendan tenses at the contact.

"I will always love you Bren." He kisses his neck. "It's just so fucking hard at the minute. And I didn't give up on you, I will never give up on you right, I just gave up on us." Brendan flinches and leans into him a bit. "But you stopped me alright. You stopped me. I'm trying, I'm just not getting very far."

They stay there like that for a long time, he doesn't know how long but it doesn't matter. He's got the power to break the man he loves and it scares him more than anything. But he's in his arms and he knows that he can't let himself be the one to break Brendan not after everything he's been through, not when he fought so hard to get back, change, accept himself and deal with the abuse he suffered, face it and even tell him about it. He told him his darkest secret and trusted him with it, told him everything explained it to him. Whatever happened since from the club, Brendan trusted him, put his trust in him, handed him the power to reject him for it, like he was expecting him to, and expecting pity from him for what Seamus did. Not that he ever would do that.

He loves him impossibly, so deep that there isn't a limit, would give anything, do anything for him. He won't let himself be the one to break him.

Brendan says he needs him and even with the flicker of doubts that still burn in his mind, he won't break him. He will do everything to make sure that he isn't the one that destroys them.

Brendan can, he can break them, break him all over again, he can leave, he can ruin, destroy and wreck but he not afraid anymore. He can do it, he can take it. He can survive it but he's not sure Brendan can and he knows he can't see that. Can't see Brendan broken because of him.

He kisses Brendan's neck again and sighs. He looks up and across the bay, startled by a dog walker walking across in front of them, a quick glance in their direction then he's increasing his pace and moving on.

"If he'd been earlier he would have really gotten an eye full."

Brendan smiles, he can feel it he doesn't need to see it.

"We should head back."

It's getting cooler, he hadn't noticed but his skin is up in goose bumps. He pulls away and reaches for his t-shirt.

"We'll be okay won't we?" Brendan asks quietly.

"Eventually." He replies and gets dressed.

* * *

Just for the record I hate writing sex scene's (edit - I don't hate writing them, I quite enjoy writing them I hate posting them) because I have absolutely no confidence in my ability to get them right, so sorry if that was sh*t but I did the best I could.


	60. Chapter 60

Thank you for reviewing, it helps my confidence and it is very much appreciated.

3 months and a bit months I've been writing this... I went back and read a few of the early chapters. My style has changed quite a lot since then and I think, I hope that it's for the better. My frankly dreadful spelling errors and my awful grammar still have not improved though but that would take a miracle. I've never been any good at all at spelling and spell check just isn't advanced enough to deal with me yet.

Anyway...

* * *

There was a silence as they got themselves back into the car. It was uneasy, he felt uneasy again like he wasn't quite sure…

The first time he had had sex with Brendan in years and it had been more about desperately trying to find something so he didn't have to give up on the hope that Brendan and he could sort themselves out, it should have been a reconnection and reassurance instead it had been about not letting go.

He shifted in his seat a little.

He always thought that it would tearing each other's clothes off and fucking until dawn and then some but it hadn't been because other than the fact they had been on a public beach, there was still too much between them. Too much raw hurt and pain to just shove to one side and forget about. Too many betrayals that weren't just going to go away.

It had been an act of desperation Brendan was right about that.

And now he knew that he couldn't be the one that give up on them.

He'd hit bottom, given up hope, finally, it had taken him long enough, too long properly but he'd finally got there. He'd given up on them.

Brendan had dragged him back in, given him the realisation that he could just possibly be in this with him. That maybe he wasn't just toying with him, that maybe just maybe he meant what he said about loving him.

He still needed to know who Brendan was now, needed something more than hope to keep him in this, he'd lived on it too long and the consequences were all around him…

The Brendan he had known would never have fucked him out in the open, however much he had begged. Brendan would get him off if he pushed it but there would never be a return of favour… Brendan had always waited until they were somewhere locked or at home…

"Fucking me on the beach is a long way from behind closed doors…" He says quietly.

"You were going to give up, I'd have fucked you in the middle of Chester if I thought it would work. Indecent exposure isn't something I ever want to get charged with but it was worth the risk."

"Yeah?" He asks, wondering.

"If I was ever going to get done for public sex I'd want it to be with you."

"Arrr you say the sweetest things." He jokes.

"Last of the romantics you know that." Brendan replies.

Brendan clears his throat and scratches at the back of his head.

"That wasn't what I thought for our first time... You know. First time in a long time…"

"You regret it?" He asks because he didn't as it happened.

"Steven I will be dead a long time before I ever regret fucking you."

"So?"

"Just wanted it to be… I don't know not me worrying someone was going to interrupt, I wanted it to be… I wanted it to last."

He snorts a laugh.

"Steven." Brendan exclaims.

"It's not that… Seriously it's not that…" He reassures quickly. "Were you going to have petals on the bed and that?"

Brendan doesn't reply just shrugs in a non committed way.

"No come on." He can't help but enjoy this.

"Steven." Brendan looks very uncomfortable.

"What? You were weren't you?"

"No." He knows he wouldn't. Brendan's not like, wasn't like that and it had never bothered him.

"Were you going to lay me down and gently make love to me?" He grins at him.

"Gentle? Try and do anything gentle with you, I'd be lucky to get out of that with my balls intact."

"And what's that meant to mean?" He mocks outrage. He knows exactly what Brendan means.

"You like it rough." Brendan states.

So he likes to be handled? Likes it to be a bit rough, fast and hard but doesn't mean he hasn't got great memories of Brendan refusing to make it quick and taking him apart slowly… But Brendan wasn't adverse to it being rough.

"And? You trying to say you don't?"

Brendan gives him a look that confirms what he already knows.

He dips his head to hide his smile.

"Trying to say you don't enjoy pinning me down? Don't enjoy making me beg?"

"You didn't beg." Brendan states gruffly.

"Shame that isn't it?"

"You've got no idea."

He laughs. Brendan shakes his head at him then smiles.

"Not too old for you then?" It's an insecurity and he's trying to hide it because he doesn't want to ask, does but it's so pathetic, so ridiculous, so stupid…

"Shouldn't I be asking that?" Brendan turns it around on him.

"You know how much I like the older man."

"It's the same age difference it's always been… Besides you're still…" Brendan starts.

"Still what?" He frowns.

"Still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

"Fuck off." He's never been able to take a compliment about his looks because he always thought people were taking the piss.

"I'm serious Steven."

"That why you went for Dean?" He asks quietly. "He looked a lot like me."

"Steven…" Brendan sighs heavily.

He hates to bring the mood down but he can't help it. Dean did look a bit like him when he was younger, different colour eyes, skinny.

"What?"

"Don't compare yourself to Dean because there is no comparison. You two were worlds apart."

"He told me once that you said he was the best you'd ever had in bed." Actually it was worse than that. And digging that memory up really does make his mind race.

He cringes. He knows he should have more confidence but he told Dean that they looked so alike did he ever wonder if Brendan thought about him in bed and that hits a massive nerve… What if Brendan was thinking about Dean when he was fucking him? He feels dirty all of a sudden because it was possible.

He bangs he head against the glass.

"Hey, look at me…" He glances across. "What else did Dean say to you?"

He shrugs.

"Steven you've got to stop this."

"It's hard alright. We looked alike and you chose to stay with him whatever the promise because you've always been good at breaking promises. I can't help it alright. I don't care that you thought it was to protect me…. There's more than just looking out for him to put up with him."

"He wasn't all bad Steven. He was just a misguided messed up kid."

"Yeah a kid. Younger than me."

"What's all this with age?"

Brendan had a type, he knew he did and he was out of that age group now. He wasn't young, he wasn't as skinny. He knew Brendan still fancied him but maybe it wasn't the same attraction.

"Well I'm hardly what you left behind am I?"

Brendan skids the car to a halt in the middle of a country lane.

"Fuck." He barely hand enough time to jam the seat belt so it didn't go straight back into his bruised collar bone. "Haven't I been in enough car crashes?"

"We didn't crash." Brendan states and he's taking his belt off and getting out of the car, he's around at his door before he has chance to ask just what the fuck he is playing at. He snorts harshly. Playing. Games.

"Out." Brendan demands as soon as he opens his door.

"What? Why?"

"Because I'm not having it Steven."

"What are you going on about?" He huffs.

"Out Steven."

"Oh fuck off and get back in the car."

"Now." That's the no messing tone that really does get his back up.

"Not when you're acting all mental."

Brendan hangs his head down between his arms, one on the door the other on the roof.

"Please."

"Why is it you only ever say please as a last resort?"

"Why do you always have to fucking argue?"

"Because that's who I am Brendan."

Brendan nods a bit.

"Please Steven get out of the car."

"I've got a bust ankle or have you forgot?"

"No I haven't. Just get out of the car."

He sighs and shakes his head undoing his seat belt and taking as much time as possible because he may be doing as Brendan is asking but he's not going to fucking jump to it. He can fucking wait. He leaves his crutches.

"Just going to leave me here then eh? Had enough tough questions and decided that you're sick of me already?"

Maybe Brendan doesn't want him asking, maybe he doesn't want to be the one asking, maybe it should be simple and he shouldn't even worry about Brendan doing that, should know that he won't but it's half there in his head that Brendan will just leave him here.

Brendan gives him enough room to get out before closing the gap. He's right in front of him, another half a foot and they'd be flushed. Brendan never did know the limits of personal space.

"You can't see it can you?" Brendan demands.

"Can't see what? Fucks sake Bren."

There's a pause and Brendan looks at him, studies him, it's like he's trying to work out what to say, like he has to plan it… Like he's planning it because he has to, has to plan it so it has the right effect, has to plan it so he can keep the game going… Fuck the poison is dripping into his thoughts, making them twist and it's so easy to let it because he's got nothing to stop it, nothing that will keep the doubts at bay.

"You were gorgeous when I met you…" Brendan starts, blows out a breath. "You were a cocky little fucker with so much heart and spirit that I didn't even know what I was getting myself in for…" He smiles a bit before pushing on. "You are still as fucking infuriating now as you were then, you're still as fucking beautiful as you were then if not more so because you're even stronger now, you know what you want and you take it now instead of asking... I don't care that you're older, I don't care that you're not the same because I'm still as in love with you now as I've ever been if not more so don't you start all this shit about Dean because he was nothing compared to you. I love you. I never loved him."

He tries so hard to believe him but he can't. He can't, that inch he's willing to give does no stretch that far and he need time to give him more than that even if he intends to. He can't trust him. He can't believe a word he says and it's going to kill them stone dead despite his promise to himself about not being the one that does.

Brendan hand slams into the roof.

"You don't believe me…" Brendan nods and shakes his head.

He's angry at himself, angry that he can't. Frustrated that he can't just let it go.

"Fucking me on the beach supposed to make everything alright is it? I'm sorry Brendan but it doesn't work that way." He wished it did.

"You wanted it." Brendan exclaims. "I only did what you asked, no demanded I do."

"It's not about the sex Brendan, I did wanted it. I don't regret it. It's just not like magic, you don't fuck me and make everything alright."

"Ahhh Steven I know that… You said you wouldn't give up on this."

"I'm not. But don't expect me to forgive you just because you fucked me."

"I'm not asking for that, I'm asking you to believe me. To listen to me and believe what I'm telling you."

"What so that I can get sucked back in just for you to leave again? Yeah I'm all about chucking myself to the wolves."

"That what you think?"

"I think it's going to take a lot of time for me to trust you again but at least I want to now. At least I'm willing to let you."

"And I should be grateful?"

"Yes. You left me right, you left me when I trusted you, I trusted you to keep finally keep your promises."

Brendan stands and starts pacing. He keeps his eyes on his shoes as he strides from one end of the car to the other. He stops and his feet are pointing at him.

"You never trusted me Steven not like I trusted you…"

He can't defend himself, he can't say that he didn't doubt Brendan. Didn't struggle to trust him. He can't claim that he ever trusted Brendan completely… There were so many times when he'd dared and gotten burned or beaten, it was like every time he thought that he could trust him something happened to seal the doubt in his mind. From trusting him to want to be with him, trusting him to come out, trusting him not to hit him…

He keeps his head down.

"I want to trust you." He does want to, he's always wanted to, he's just never been able to. "I'm trying… It's not enough for you is it?"

"It's more than I deserve."

"Fucking stop it." He snaps. "Stop fucking saying you don't deserve… You deserve it right. You do. You deserve…" Someone who doesn't struggle to even fucking believe a word that comes out of his mouth. "I'm trying…"

Brendan drops down beside him.

"It's so fucking hard." He states because it is. "This… Brendan this isn't how I thought it would be." He rubs his neck. "Stupid isn't it. All these years… I knew it wouldn't be easy but I never thought it would be this hard… I never thought…" He sighs. He doesn't know what he thought. He doesn't know because he never thought after Ireland that Brendan would ever be within reach again, that there would even be the possibility of something between them again.

"When the cops took you out and you were shouting for me, I never thought it would be that hard you know? In the club it was so clear, Cheryl had to have her life, _he_ couldn't take that from her, he couldn't touch her, he couldn't do that to her. He'd already done so much damage he wasn't allowed her… When you… I've… I thought I was doing what was best for you, I thought that you would move on because I know you and I know that nothing ever beats you, nothing keeps you down… All those things you said, Steven I… I didn't want to let you go but I had to. I had to and I… He couldn't have her but I didn't want to let you go… I knew you'd be ok. I knew it because that's who you are and that's the strength I don't have… It was like…" He blows out a breath. "I couldn't… You've got to understand that I intended for us to be together forever or as long as you wanted me. You… You put up with so much, my anger, my hatred, you held me together when I thought I was going to fall apart… You did all that for me and I did nothing but hurt you, I love you but I've hurt you and that's who I am isn't it? I always destroy everything good in my life… I told you to let go because I didn't want you dragged down with me. I didn't want you to be… Steven I know you don't want to hear it, but I couldn't tie you to me, to him and what he did, what he made me… You changed me, you made me better, you saved me from myself, you were so close to saving me from him… I wanted that happy ending Steven I wanted you and me but I had to chose and I couldn't let him have Cheryl… I wanted you and our families together… I couldn't have it… I had a lot of time to think in prison, think about my life, my regrets... Not being able to be with you was my biggest regret but it was the price for Cheryl's freedom and I had to pay it… I wondered where you were, what you were doing, if Amy had let you see the kids again, I just wanted you safe, happy, Steven all I want for you is to be happy, I thought you would be happy. I'd thought you'd find someone better than me, someone that could be what I never managed to be for you… I'm sorry for what I did, I'm sorry for leaving you, for cutting you out but it was the only way, I'm sorry that you got hurt, I'm sorry for not believing you loved me… It's not just you. I trusted you with everything but I never believed you love me like I loved you." Brendan clears his throat. "That's why I didn't come to you because I was… I was fucking terrified of you being over me. It's one thing for Jamie to say it but if you had… I never thought I had a heart to break you know. I thought he'd taken it but you proved me wrong… To see you so upset to realise how wrong I was… This, this isn't what I expected either okay. But you and me we can do this if you want it… I don't care if you shout at me, I don't care with we argue every day for the rest of our lives, I'd rather we didn't but I need you to believe I love you ok. That it is you and no one else… That I did what I did because I never thought it would cause this and I did it because I love you."

It didn't feel that way but maybe Brendan really did think that he was better off. Knowing how little Brendan thought of himself, how much he struggled to find worth in himself… It was a reflection of his own struggles…

"Did you want to die on the balcony?" He asks.

Brendan shakes his head and sighs.

"I wanted to be with you."

He nods slowly…

"If I…" He takes a deep breath. "I believe you… But I need you to believe me too alright?"

Brendan doesn't reply except for a faint nod that he takes as good enough. It's a start.


	61. Chapter 61

Thank you for your reviews. 400... Wow can't thank you all enough for your wonderful support or for taking the time.

Hard M...

Time to get my ducks in a row...

* * *

It was dark and raining by the time Brendan parked the car up next to the porch so he can get out and into the dry quickly.

"Will you sleep?" He asks Brendan as he locks the door behind them. The house is dark and quiet.

"Yeah I'll sleep, someone wore me out."

"Well if you can't you know where I am." He states and makes his way to his room shutting to door.

It's too early to be inviting Brendan back into his bed, even if it is just to sleep. He snorts to himself. They'd already had sex what was harm in being in bed together? They'd already been far more intimate than sleeping on the same bed. But he doesn't want Brendan not coming to him if he can't sleep, he doesn't want Brendan afraid of asking, of pushing…

Believing Brendan loves him, is harder than it should be. There are so many blocks that's he's put there for himself.

The longer it had gone on the more he had twisted it. Made it been about Brendan not caring, not loving him, him not being good enough, instead of thinking that maybe, just maybe it had been a hard choice for Brendan to give him up.

So many things have happened that are worse when Brendan did it because he loves him but the thing that is really getting to him is that Brendan doesn't believe he loves him…

He can't think what he did wrong, how he didn't make it clear other than kicking off all the time but that was because he cared. He hates how bad he feels about it. Hates that Brendan never believed that he could do damage to him or his life because he never thought that he would miss him, that he would move on… He had, in a way, he supposes, Jamie was him moving on but it hadn't felt like moving on it had felt like doing something so that he could live his life, so he could have his life… He had moved on. He admits it. He had hoped that Brendan would come back but he hadn't waited for him… He hadn't known how long he'd have to wait and he hadn't wanted to be on his own in the limbo that could have gone on forever now he knows that unless he'd gone to Ireland Brendan would never have told him is was out. He wasn't that person anymore. He didn't need to be with someone to be happy, he'd changed. His life had changed.

He didn't have a clue where Brendan fitted in now, how it would work… He wanted Brendan in his life, wanted him in his bed, wanted to be with him but it was still too strained for them to be around each other too much. He knew that. He knew he wouldn't be able to get through everything he needed to, everything he had to accept and deal with if they went full on straight away however much he wishes it could be like that.

He wanted what they had back but he knew that it couldn't be like that anymore, he wasn't the same, Brendan said he'd changed too so they couldn't be what they had been, it would be different.

He knows his caution is a side effect of his inability to trust. An inch isn't much and it's not enough to be making big decisions, big choices. It's not enough to go changing his life for, yet.

He turns onto his side and gives in to sleep.

Dean was staring at him, covered in blood staring at him, his head hanging to the side with a gaping hole in the side of his neck…

"I love him." The blood spurts out of his neck with the words. "This is what he did."

It jumps and Brendan's in front of him, scalpel in hand, he sees the movement, doesn't feel anything. There's a mirror in front of him, Brendan's behind him scalpel held in his neck. Bloods pouring out of his neck, he wants to pull it out but he can't move, he tries to call out, to scream but the blade stops him, can't do anything but look at his reflection.

"This is what I do." Brendan whispers in his ear.

He startles awake.

The light through the windows blinds him for half a second and he struggles in the covers, needs to get them off him. Like it will take the dream away. He's covered in sweat and his hands are shaking as he runs them through his hair. He tries to calm himself down.

He gets himself a shower and gets dressed. His ankle is taking more weight without as much complaint. He's out of pain killers anyway. He leaves the crutches next to the bed and half hobbles half hops to the door.

He swings it open to find Brendan lying across the back of the sofa, remote in hand watching some black and white cowboy film from the looks of it, the image of him standing behind him with the scalpel flashes through his mind before he forces it back down. It was only a dream. Laura nowhere to be seen. He could do with talking to her.

"Morning."

"Okay?" Brendan asks turning to look at him.

"Time is it?" He hobbles to the kitchen and makes himself a tea. He still feels shaky.

"Half nine. Laura's gone to the shop to get some milk." Brendan states just as he goes to the open the fridge to get some.

He yanks the fridge open anyway, irritation rising sharply. He finds there's some cream, so tips his tea out and makes himself a coffee instead.

He's not in the mood, the dream has shaken him and he doesn't need anymore complications so he takes goes outside, the coolness hits him, it's raining just as hard as the night before, there's a mist over the valley. It's all grey and miserable, stark contrast to the day before. He sits on the chair near the hot tub and tries to get a grip on himself.

He hears the door shut.

"In one are we?" Laura asks as she walks down and past him sitting down on the chair across from him.

"No." He replies. He doesn't know why he gives himself away so easily.

"Have a good day yesterday?" She asks.

"It was alright." A combination of brilliant and horrible in various parts.

"Your neck suggests it was pretty good."

He's got stubble burn and a purpling bite mark on his neck he noticed it in the mirror.

"Like I said it was alright." He shrugs. "Where did you go anyway?"

"Just a wonder around, went down to the lake I used to go to when I was a kid, did a bit of climbing. I went to the church and put some flowers on my Mum's grave, grandparents too."

"You're Mum's buried up here?" He frowns, he never thought about it.

"She loved it up here." Laura sighs. "She wanted to die up here too, but she went downhill too fast and she needed a lot of medical intervention to keep the pain down so she died in hospital… It's weird seeing the house like this though. I've gone years without coming up here then when I do it's all changed, but still it's better than it being empty."

She sips at her coffee and leans back in her chair.

"I can go out if you want to spend some more time with Brendan you know. I know you two have a lot to sort out. If I'm in the way just say."

"It's pissing down." He replies, sighing.

"I've got a car."

"You're not in the way. It's me... I just keep going in circles with everything. I keep bringing up Dean and it's like he… He doesn't get it. He doesn't get why it's so hard, why I can't help but…"

"Ste, give yourself a break, give yourself some time. Stop putting pressure on yourself."

"I'll be alright when I'm alright that it?"

"You do actually listen to me." She smiles.

"Occasionally." He smiles a little. "What if I can't do this quick enough…"

"Ste." Laura sighs. "It will take time…"

He nods. It will he knows it will but he still wants to get past it all quicker but he's done that before, pushed himself too hard, too fast and seen everything break in front of him.

"I've got some work to do." She states and goes back inside.

He heads back inside after a while, the damp and the chill getting to him.

Laura's sitting at the dining room table with a couple of brown files in front of her, laptop on, ear phones in.

Brendan sat up watching TV. He slides over the back of the sofa to save him some time.

Nothing gets said. He just watches whatever Brendan's watching and lies back bored out of his mind.

Laura gets a phone call just as he starts making himself a sandwich and she disappears off outside returning with a scowl on her face nearly an hour later.

"I hope you managed to top up the BM." Laura states.

"Still a hundred miles worth in it." Brendan replies easily.

"Good. I need to go down to Liverpool later." She states. "Fred Barnet kicked the shit out of Zac so I need to find out what was said and what's going on."

"Ring him instead." Brendan states firmly, alert instantly.

"I would ring him but he's had his jaw broken in three places so he's struggling to speak at the moment." She replies sharply.

"Get Callum…" Brendan starts.

"Callum is staying well out of this." She snaps.

"Zac's not worth letting them know where we are." Brendan says.

"So you think I'm just going to write it on my forehead? No Brendan I'm going to go and speak to him, I'm not planning on anyone knowing I'm there then I'll head to Manchester my Dad is up there and he would like a meeting."

"You should stay here." Brendan states and he can see Laura bristling, she hates being told what she can and can't do, hates anyone trying to stop her and it's pointless trying to stop her but he can't not ask.

"I think you should too."

"Well I can't convince my old man to get the hammer put down on the Barnet's without a meeting. Fred stepped out of line officially, Zac had protection, he needs putting back in line… Either Ronnie agrees or he doesn't, if he does then we're clear if he doesn't we'll have to wait until Ronnie is convinced." She picks up the files and searches for something.

"What's all that?" Brendan asks frowning.

"Dean's psychological reports." She replies.

"You shouldn't have those." Brendan says.

"Why not? I know his old psychiatrist, we do the same lecture circuit. I explained why I needed them, I'm curious about a man I saw die in front of me... His prison files were trickier to get but a friend of a friend knows the prison psychologist. I needed these to prove that Dean was suicidal, so Ronnie can't claim anything against any of us."

"Ronnie knows." Brendan states.

"Yeah well that's not enough right now. He even tries to come after us and I want him shut down, that means I have to prove that it was nothing to do with us. These…" She points to the paper. "Prove that Dean was a ticking time bomb."

"He was a kid!" Brendan exclaims and slams his hand on the table.

"A mixed up one, he's tried to top himself eleven times since he was fourteen… He needed help, he got it then he refused it what happened to him in prison made him worse… Brendan I'm sorry that he died but I'm not having me, Callum or Ste killed because of this." She replies ice cold. "I'm going to make sure that Ronnie and Fred are squared… I'm going to go upstairs to make some calls." She picks up her stuff and closes her laptop and heads up.

"Fred's not going to stop because he's told to you know that don't you and Ronnie hasn't even started."

He shrugs. He doesn't know if it will work or not but he wants her to try.

"As long as we can go home." His ankle is better, not great, not even good but another few days he could think about getting back to work, maybe. He hopes so because sitting in front of the TV all morning has reminded him just how much he hates it and how much he'd rather be at work. "I'll owe Marc about a week off after this."

They sit and watch a film on the sofa until Laura comes down, dressed to the nine's. Not a hair out of place.

"I'll properly be back late on, I'll give you a text let you know what I'm doing." She states.

"Watch your back." Brendan states firmly.

"I will. See you later." She rushes out the door.

"She'll be fine Steven." Brendan reassures him.

"I know but she's not bullet proof whatever she likes to think." He sighs.

He gets bored after an hour and hobbles over to the kitchen to look through the cupboards for something to make for dinner. He finds everything he would need to make a cake as he does and since there's nothing spoiling he pulls out a mixing bowl.

Brendan gets up and wonders around a bit then goes into his room by the time he comes back out the cake is baked and cooling.

He's half way through mixing the icing when Brendan wonders over and into his space. He wraps his arms around his waist and leans his chin over his shoulder.

He frowns at him but doesn't pull away, it's just strangely familiar but a distant memory.

His body automatically responds to the warmth at his back, the press of them, the arms strong around his waist.

"I'll let you lick the spoon." He offers.

"Very generous." Brendan says in his ear.

A shiver goes down his spine and he leans back into Brendan's body. Wants him closer. He turns in Brendan's arms and looks in his eyes.

"Want something?" Brendan asks smirking.

He stands up a little taller, presses a little closer.

"A few things come to mind." He breaths against Brendan's lips.

Brendan raises an eyebrow at him.

He leans kisses hard and he's pressed back against the counter. It's hot, and punishing, desperate, both of them are pushing against each other. Brendan catches his thigh and wraps it around his hip and grinds against him.

It's ridiculous how turned on he gets. How much he wants him. He breaks the kiss.

"You held out on me yesterday." He states as he grips the bottom of Brendan's t-shirt and pulls it off. He groans. He runs his fingers down the muscle, through the hair. He's so male... Everything about him just makes him want him. Touch him. He runs his nails up his abs then round to his back.

"One of us had to keep our clothes on." Brendan says then pulls him into a searing kiss that has him breathless.

"Show me." He states firmly. "Show me what you wanted to do yesterday, show me what you had in mind." Because fuck if he doesn't want to know.

Brendan grips his thighs and lifts. He wraps both legs around Brendan's hips. They break to half kisses as Brendan carries him into Brendan's room and puts him on the bed, grinding down as he kisses him, tongues rolling over each other.

Brendan breaks the kiss and stands back.

He shifts on the bed and frowns, glancing around him. The bed's covered in about ten condoms.

"Better than flower petals?" Brendan smirks.

He laughs and nods. "Going to put them to good use?"

"Nothing good about the things I want to do to you Steven."

That tone, the promise in it, the only kind of promise that Brendan never broke.

He pulls his t-shirt off and quickly deals with his jeans and boxers before looking up. Brendan is standing against the wall, shirtless with a look of complete admiration as he looks over him.

He moves back further onto the bed and grips his hard cock and strokes himself. Brendan did always like to watch him wank and he did always like to do it with Brendan's eyes on him.

Brendan has a finger to his lips, then drops it and starts to take off his jeans.

He knows he's got his attention, loves it, he closes his eyes and moans, arches his back a little, overplays it a bit but this is about getting Brendan wound up so tight that he loses it.

He feels the bed dip.

"Do you have any idea what you look like right now?" Brendan growls breath hot on his outer thigh then the faint brush of fingers. Brendan bites at his hip bone. "Never seen anything like you." The bed moves again and he feels Brendan push at his thighs. "Turn over."

As soon as he's flat on the bed Brendan is all over his back. Hands running down his sides until one is on his arse.

"You know how often I thought about you like this? How this." He taps his arse and squeezes. "Tormented me?"

"Show me."

Brendan kisses opened mouthed all the way down his back, fingers a few inches higher following the trail either side until he reaches the bottom of his back, the crack of his arse and then the fingers are pushing him apart, there's a breath, two before Brendan groans and licks flat over his hole. Then little flick of his tongue. He looks over his shoulder, back and Brendan catches his eye then drops down and pushes in with the tip before withdrawing.

"How you take my cock I'll never know." Brendan states before returning to licking, pulling him further open so he can get his tongue further in.

"Bren…" He pants. He's not going to last this. He knows he's not. Not when he knows how talented Brendan's tongue is.

"Yes Steven?" He knows. Brendan knows what he's going to say.

"Fuck me."

"Not yet…"

He slams slaps the bed with his palm as Brendan keeps going, and going until he's shaking, panting, until he can't help but push back against his tongue until he's rolling his hip and desperate. Brendan grips his hips pulls him back onto his tongue. He moans in frustration as Brendan pulls back. There's a sucking kiss and a quick stab of tongue then Brendan's moving up the bed, deep sucking kisses into his spine until he's at his neck and he can turn onto his side and kiss him over his shoulder, slow and deep. He feels gentle pressure of a finger nudging it's way inside him, he arches a little back into Brendan and kisses him harder. The finger is removed, instead rubbing around his hole…

Brendan pulls up and away.

"Please." He asks.

Brendan smiles and runs his stubble up across his shoulder.

"Bren…"

He reaches his left arm back and pulls against Brendan's waist as he pushes his arse back, he manages to get Brendan cock against his arse before Brendan puts his hand on him and breaks the contact.

He growls in frustration.

"Steven…" He knows what he wants but he won't give in.

Brendan pushes closer again, presses against him from shoulder blades to arse, cock slipping between his thighs, arm over his waist at his naval, nails trailing down until he breaks, then the pad of a finger running up the vein of his leaking cock. He pushes back against him, head dropping back and turning but as he goes to kiss him Brendan pulls back.

"Don't be a bastard." He moans.

Brendan grips his cock and gives it a squeeze.

"Fuck. Please." He bites out.

Brendan smiles and shakes his head at him reaching over him to get the bottom of lube, coats his fingers and trails them down the crack of his arse until they're rubbing at his hole, two fingers dipping and rubbing but not deep enough.

"Brendan." He spits out.

A little deeper. And Brendan's sticking his tongue into his mouth, rolling his cock against him in the same rhythm as his fingers, same rhythm as his mouth.

He gives in, he wants it more than his pride.

"Please." He pants into Brendan's mouth.

Brendan pushes his fingers in further, adds a third and pushes down against his prostate.

"Fuck." He rolls back, can't help but want more. "Please." He gave in now he can't stop begging.

Brendan removes his fingers and he moans.

"Please."

"Shhhh…" Brendan kisses his shoulder.

There's the rip of a wrapper and a squirt of lube. He shifts a little on the bed but Brendan catches him and holds him still. He stays on his side, Brendan pushes his foot between his calves and shifts down a little until the head of his cock is rubbing against his hole.

It's easier to take this time round. But the slow push is still a lot.

"Please." He tips his head forward onto his arm. "Ahhh, please, please."

"You're okay…" Brendan states kissing his neck, his shoulders. Groans and pants a little as he gets flush against him.

Brendan waits a few seconds, gripping his hip and tipping them so his weight is more on him.

"Ready?"

He nods.

He throws his head back at the first push back in. At the second he pushes back as Brendan pushes in. It's slow, a little too slow, there's no real power behind Brendan's lazy roll of hips. He can feel the muscles of Brendan's abs against his back, feel his breath hot on his neck, the press of stubble, the brush of lips against his skin.

"Harder."

But Brendan continues on, the slow roll of hips that has him on edge, aching for more, needing more.

"Harder." He asks again and this time Brendan thrusts forward hard into him and he's fucked, completely and utterly.

He groans as Brendan withdraws, pants into the sheets but turns towards him all the same.

He's on his knees offering a hand. He doesn't want to move. Brendan rolls his eyes at him a little and pulls at his thighs turning them and sliding between them to kiss him hard before wrapping his arms under him and lifting, he got no choice but to wrap his arms around his neck and his legs around him.

Brendan kisses his cheek, his jaw then his mouth as he releases an arm from around his waist dropping it under his arse, Brendan's cock is back, sliding in. He drops his head forward and bites at Brendan's collar bone.

He's impaled, completely full. Brendan panting against his ear. He loosens his arms and kisses his neck, bites at his jaws and Brendan aches and thrusts a little. He finds his mouth and kisses him, tries to get as far into Brendan as Brendan is in him, he uses his thighs and starts to ride him, Brendan matches him push down against thrust up until Brendan drops them back down to the bed and thrust in hard.

It becomes a battle, hips grinding, thrust, nails scratching, teeth biting into flesh until he has to break for air.

Brendan pushes up onto his hands and stops. He runs a hand down Brendan's sweating skin looking up, Brendan's got a look in his eye that he can't read. He's back on him upping the pace and it's like he hadn't meant him to see it.

Brendan loses his rhythm, hips stuttering until he thrust in hard and groans low in his throat. He pants hard, pulls out and kisses down his stomach, licks at the head of his cock then swallows him down hard, groaning. He thrashes a little, thrusts his hips until he loses himself in Brendan's hot mouth. He runs his hands over his hair, tries to stop himself pushing down until Brendan puts his hand over his and pushes down in permission. He fucks Brendan's mouth hard.

He seizes as he comes, light headed, vision dipping and panting.

Brendan drops down beside him, hand on his stomach another running through his hair.

"I love you, you know?"

He nods, can't say it yet but he's getting there, knows he's going to get there. He turns drapes himself over Brendan's chests, head on his heart. He sighs and lets himself enjoy the come down as Brendan draws patterns on his back.

He enjoys the closeness, the contentment he can get from this, from lying in bed with him, being close to him.

"Go again?" He asks after a while.

Brendan gives a short laugh which feels as well as hears.

"Something's don't change." Brendan brushes a hand through his hair.

"Not my fault, shouldn't be so sexy."

"Sexy?" Brendan's amused. "Tall, dark, mysterious and extremely attractive, Steven."

"You're head gets any bigger and it'll explode."

"Not possible, never happened before."

"You'll be the first. I can see the headlines now, arrogance causes man's head to blow up. After you've already made the papers for it getting stuck in doorways."

Brendan laughs heartily and he can feel it, so amazing to feel it again.

He sighs and draws circles on Brendan's chest. He lets his mind drift through the past, through everything, through the hurt and pain. He cuts himself off. What's the point? He can't change it. He's just got to live with it, got to because this is what he wants.

He straddles Brendan's hips and kisses him, tries to put all the hurt into it and Brendan takes it. He breaks laces his fingers together across Brendan's chest as he frowns at him.

"Ready?" He asks.

"Depends."

"On what?"

"Will you ride me?"

"That what you want?"

"Yes."

"Sure?" He teases.

"What sort of questions that?" Brendan asks.

"Just want to make sure, you're sure. I won't do it unless you're sure." He throwing Brendan's own idea's back at him.

Brendan snorts a laugh, pulling at his arm until he comes up and kisses him.

"I'm sure." Brendan states.

He takes his time, enjoys the feeling of been handed control again, he teases, sucks on Brendan's cock until it's fully hard again, rolls the condom on adds a bit of lube even though he knows there's enough of it already inside him that he could possibly not use any but he'd rather not find out there's not enough and have to stop the slide down, he's loose enough to just position the head and sink down all the way in one long slide, he gives himself a second to breath then gives Brendan a show and reveals in it, lets him lie back and watch him with fixed attention, enjoys the angles he can get, the grind, the fullness. Brendan grabs the lube, he smiles when it takes him a couple of attempts to get the lid off as he ups the pace, Brendan rubs his hands together and wraps a gentle hand around his cock to thrust into. He clenches, just to see if it still has the same effect… Brendan loses all concentration, groans and thrusts up, eyes closed, back off the bed he does it again and Brendan reaches out grips his bicep and pulls him down onto his chest and into a blistering kiss. Brendan grips his arse, pulls his cheeks apart and thrusts in and he rolls keeps rolling his hips as Brendan gets faster, forces a hand between them and works his cock until he comes over Brendan's stomach at the same time Brendan comes inside him.

It's the first time they've been in sync. First time they've come together in years, first time that it's not just one of them. He continues to roll his hips as they kiss, gentle roll of tongues, lazy drag of lips, until Brendan pulling him up and off his softening cock. He reaches back and deals with the condom tying it off and chucking into the bin before collapsing onto Brendan's chest, head just under Brendan's chin, they're lined up, Brendan's cock is soft against his stomach, his between Brendan's thighs.

He could happily go to sleep like this, he's drifting off already as he takes it in, the smell of them, the press of their bodies, the coordination of their breathing, the thump of Brendan's heart…

He's alone when he wakes up with the covers over him.

The door to the room is open and he can hear someone moving around.

"Bren?" He frowns, he can't be bothered to move. He drifts for a few minutes.

He feels the bed shift and gentle fingers on his arm. He can smell coffee which causes him to open his eyes. Brendan's sitting on the bed, on the table to the side are two cups of coffee and two slices of cake.

He frowns at him, since when does Brendan Brady bring him anything in bed?… He catches himself a little, it's been a long time, maybe this is just who Brendan is now.

He sits up and push a face at the soreness.

"You iced the cake?"

Brendan hands him a coffee.

"Your phone was ringing." Brendan hands it to him.

"Who was it?"

Brendan shrugs.

There's 2 missed calls, both from Amy.

He frowns and dials.

"Ste where've you been?"

"What's wrong?"

"Leah got mugged, she was out with _that_ Andy and they were attacked."

"Is she alright?"

"She's got a concussion, shaken up a bit." Amy sighs heavily. "They got her phone, her bag. She's talking to the police. She was asking for you."

Fucking hell. They haven't got a car. Laura's god knows where with it. His little girl was asking for him and he wasn't there.

"I can't get to you right now." Middle of fucking nowhere, he doesn't even know the bus time table, doesn't even know how long it would get to Manchester, if he even can from here.

"It's alright, you know how she is, she's fine now."

"Can I talk to her?" He needs to speak to her, needs to hear it from her that she's ok.

"I'll get her to ring later on when I get her home. She's alright Ste."

He blows out a breath.

"I'll come as soon as I can."

"Okay." Amy hangs up.

He leans back on the bed, looks around him, he was fucking around and his little girl could have been killed.

"What happened?" Brendan asks.

"Leah got attacked." He says as he dials Laura and gets voice mail. "Laura ring me." He states then sends a text with the same instructions.

"She okay?"

"She got attacked." He exclaims and shakes his head and takes a breath. "Sorry it's just… We're stuck aren't we… She's talking to the police."

He can't lie in bed. Leah is a teenager but she'll forever be his little girl. He should have been there. He rubs his forehead and calms himself down a bit. He knew he wouldn't have been there anyway, they lives miles apart but he wouldn't be as stuck if he was in Hollyoaks. He wants to see her with his own eyes make sure she's okay. He needs to. He knows Amy wouldn't lie about it but he needs to see her.

He bites his lip. Laura could take hours to answer her phone or she could ring in a few minutes… He can't wait on that. He needs to get there.

He makes a split decision and finds Callum's number.

"How's the north?" He answers. "If this is about the bar it's fine…"

"It's not. I need you to come and pick me up."

"What? Where's Laura?"

"Off meeting her Dad."

He hears Callum curse violently.

"Leah's been attacked and I need to get to her? Can you come and get me?"

"Yeah it'll take hours though Ste."

Shit, of course. Callum doesn't know where they are.

"We're not in Amble."

"Oh really you do surprise me." Callum replies with sarcasim dripping from every word. "Where are you?"

"Cumbria."

Callum mutters something that he doesn't hear. He gives him the post code.

"I'll ring when I'm close."

He pulls his jeans on, his ankle nearly collapses when he puts full weight through it and he falls to the bed, cursing.

"Calm down." Brendan states.

"Calm down? Leah got hurt and I'm in the backside of beyond." He shouldn't take this out on Brendan. Although that's why he's here.

"You said it yourself she's fine." Brendan states trying to pacify him.

"I need to see her." He shoots back.

"It's going to take time Steven."

He knows it is. He knows. He takes a deep breath. He hops into the living room, into his bedroom and gets the crutches, a change of t-shirt and his hoodie, sits down at the dining room table and prepares to wait.

Brendan puts his coffee and the cake down in front of him.

"I'm not hungry." He bites.

"You've had barely had anything all day, eat something." Brendan instructs before sitting on the back of the sofa and places his hands on his shoulders. "She's fine."

"It's not the point I shouldn't be fucking up here…" He shrugs his hands off.

"I'm sorry." Brendan sighs.

It is Brendan's fault, his fault for getting involved with a nutjob, a dangerous one at that. His fault they're hiding out, but he doesn't want to blame him for it, no he doesn't want Brendan to take the blame for it. Leah being hurt is not Brendan's fault.

"It's not… I just need to see her."

He sighs and takes a drink of his barely warm coffee. Picks at the cake to occupy himself with something.

His phone rings he answers without looking.

"Ste?" Laura.

"Where are you?"

"I'm stuck here for god knows how long the old man is talking to people. I just stepped out when I read your text. What happened?"

He tells her about Leah.

"As long as she's alright."

"Could it have been…?" He doesn't want his family risked because of this thing with the Barnet's, he doesn't want his trust in Laura broken but he's been thinking about it and it's something he's got to ask.

"Fred?"

"Yeah." He'd beaten Callum.

"No Fred's in Liverpool I saw him myself."

"You?! Laura what are you playing at?" He demands.

"He was at the hospital, I thought he might be. He's swinging and he knows he is so he was waiting for me or someone to turn up so he could explain that Zac's beating was about Zac robbing him blind and nothing else although I'm not sure I trust him on that. Ste the protection on you and your family is that you're under my family protection. It's the same consequences as going after my Dad and he knows about it, everyone does. If Fred so much as touches any of you he knows he could be killed. He's upset and he's angry but he's not suicidal, that at least doesn't run in the family."

"You're sure?" He asks because he really, really needs to know that it was just a coincidence.

"I swear to you."

He nods to himself.

"I rang Callum to pick me up and take me to her."

"So I should be expecting that phone call then." She sounds a little annoyed but not as bad as he thought it might be. "You taking Brendan?"

"Yeah." He frowns. He hadn't even considered not taking him.

"Might want to tell Amy he's not in prison."

"Fuck." He hadn't told her, hadn't wanted to after Ireland, then it had just never come up, he'd made sure of it. She's going to kick off and then some at him.

"I've got to go back in but for the love of god don't turn up at Amy's with Brendan in tow at least not without warning her, I'm sure she's had enough stress today."

He nods and shuts the phone down. He glances at Brendan who has his arms folded in deep thought.

"It wasn't Fred." He states.

"She's sure?"

"Yeah."

Brendan nods, he's too closed off. Too distant. And he's going to have to tell him anyway, there's no easy way to say it.

"I…" He takes a deep breath. "I never told Amy you were back."

Brendan nods and he see's his shoulders slump a little more.

"I'll stay in the car." Brendan says into his chest refusing to look up.

"It's not that I didn't want to right, it's just you know how she is and I didn't want her getting upset." She would have blown her top about Ireland, about the last few months, the last few days he thinks he might get away with, possibly, maybe. And he just didn't want to hear it. He knows it's because she cares but he still doesn't want to hear it. He knows as well as she does Brendan is something they will never agree on, they never have.

"She hates me."

"No, well not hate exactly… It's… She doesn't understand." She didn't worry when he was with Jamie, didn't worry too much when they split but he knows as soon as he mentions Brendan he knows she will. Not that there much she can do about it now. The kids are grown up, she can't deny him access, she could try it but he knows that Leah and Lucas would want to see him and their old enough now to be a bit demanding about it… Plus the fact it would just be something else for Leah to kick off at Amy about.

"It's fine Steven."

He doesn't think he actually means that, he properly doesn't but he doesn't want an argument with Amy when he just wants to see Leah.

"I'll tell her." He cringes he's been here before. "I'll tell her today."

It takes Callum an hour and a half to get to the point of needing directions from the village up.

He waits under the porch as Brendan locks up behind him.

He drops into the passenger's side of the Aston Martin while Brendan gets in the back. Callum looks like shit, he's got a massive black eye, a cut on his temple, his hand is in a cast.

"Good to go?" Callum asks just before he pulls off.

"Thanks for this." He states as they head through the villiage and onto the A road. He sits back in his seat as Callum drives seriously over the speed limit, he should be grateful that he's going to get to Manchester quicker but he'd like to get there in one piece.

"Should you be driving with that?" He asks pointing to the cast.

"It's an automatic." Callum shrugs.

He rings Amy as they turn off the motorway and she confirms they're back at her house.

Leah's got a bruise of her cheek but other than that she looks fine, she hugs him tightly looks him up and down.

"Where's Laura? I thought you two were on holiday."

"She's got an appointment, Callum drove me." It's almost true. She's got a meeting but he doesn't want to explain anything about what's going on because Amy will quite possibly lose it.

"You back with Jamie?" She asks bluntly.

"No why'd you think that?" He frowns and he gets that sinking feeling.

"Who gave you that hickie then?"

"Leah." He chastises.

"Obviously couldn't give it to yourself so who is he?" She gives him enough attitude to settle any fears that remained about her health.

Then thinks about how he's going to get himself out of this monumental hole he's in.

"Leah."

"Dad." He swears she's more stubborn than he is. "Is he fit?"

"Leah." He exclaims horrified. She's defiantly Amy's daughter.

"You've had a bit of a drought Dad let's be honest. When can I meet him?"

"Yes Steven when are we going to be introduced?" Amy asks putting his tea down on the coffee table. "I'd rather it wasn't like Jamie. Meeting him over a hospital bed really wasn't a good start however well that went for a while.. You can bring him for dinner."

"Amy…" He grits his teeth she really isn't going to like this. "Don't hit the roof alright."

She frowns at him.

"And why would I?" She looks confused. "I'm pleased you've found someone after Jamie. It'll be good for you to have someone in your life again instead of you just working yourself into the ground."

"Leah can you give me and your Mam a minute?" He asks.

"Ste what's going on? You're making me nervous." Amy states.

"Leah if you don't mind."

"No what's going on?" She replies and he knows she's not going anywhere.

"This bloke…"

"Who is it?" Amy demands, it's like she already knows.

"Brendan."

The silence lasts about ten seconds and he would laugh at the expression on Amy's face but he's got the feeling she might just kill him if he does.

"What the Hell are you thinking?!" That's what he expected. "Ste that man…" She throws her arms up. "How long?"

"What?"

"How long has _that_ man been wheedling his way back into your life?" She demands.

"Look Amy…"

"No you look Steven."

"Who's Brendan?" Leah asks interrupting.

"Someone that I was with a long time ago." He replies he hadn't expected her to remember. "We all lived together for a bit."

"The hairy man?" Leah frowns.

He snorts a laugh and Amy glares daggers at him.

"How long has he been out?" She demands.

"Eighteen months but I only found out when I went to Ireland." He replies, then kicks himself.

"You've been back with him since then? And you never said anything?!"

"No. Look it's not like that alright."

"So what is it like then? Because _that_ man nearly killed you and I don't think you should be just letting him waltz back in."

"We've only just started talking, I didn't tell you he was back because I knew you'd kick off."

"Looks like you've been doing more than talking." Amy states.

"So what? Eh?"

"So that man is a murderer, he's a thug and he is never going to change. How can you be this stupid?"

"Don't call me stupid."

"Ste he's a cancer, he'll suck the life out of you just like he always has."

He closes his eyes and leans back in the sofa.

"He's back and we're trying again alright. It's my life Amy and I'll be with who I like."

"He's outside isn't he." It's a statement not a question.

She's off and out of the door before he can even try and stop her.

"She really doesn't like him." Leah states from beside him.

"Never has." He pulls himself up onto his crutches and hopes he can get down there before Amy can do too much damage.

Amy's outside and looking but she doesn't know which car.

"Amy leave it." He states and leans against the house.

"No I will not leave it." She screeches. "He needs to know what he did."

"He knows Amy. I told him."

She rounds on him.

"Oh did you really? That's more than you told me."

"Ames I'm sorry right but… I love him you know I do so…"

"That man will destroy you all over again and I'm not going to let him."

"It's not up to you." He states firmly.

"Ste I do not want our kids growing up without you. You worked so hard, don't let him ruin it."

"He can't ruin it Ames. I'm the only one that can. We're just working things out. I don't even know if it'll work yet but I have to try."

He hugs her and gently pushes her to go back inside.

Leah is waiting for them. Amy heads straight for the kitchen, he goes back into the living room.

"She hates Brendan a lot... Bet I can get away with seeing anyone now."

"Yeah there's always an upside." He shakes his head, smiling a little. Leah taking the silver lining.

"Did Brendan kill someone?" She asks quietly.

"Yeah. He went to prison, he's served his time though."

"But you love him?"

"Yeah." He nods and wonders what's going on in his daughters head.

"He can't be that bad then if you love him." She says then rests her head on his shoulder. "Don't worry about Mum she's always kicking off over nothing."

He laughs in surprise. It's hardly nothing but still can't help but laugh. It feels good to laugh with his little girl resting against him, knowing she's safe.

Lucas turns up a little after nine and gives him a hug.

"Alright?" His son asks.

"Not bad."

They chat a bit about their plans for the week ahead.

He gets a text just after ten from Laura saying she's heading back to the house. He hadn't even thought about it. About having to go back there. Then he remembers he's left Callum and Brendan in the car for nearly two hours.

He gives Leah and Lucas and hug goodbye promising them that they'll sort out a couple of things to do together. Amy gives him the cold shoulder a bit but hugs him as he's on his way out.

"Take care of yourself." She says seriously and kisses him on the cheek.


	62. Chapter 62

Thanks for reviewing and for reading, sticking with me so far a few of you might not be after this...

This is a rapid chapter with a lot happening, a lot of exposition, I didn't want to get too bogged down in repeating myself too much because there is a lot that kind of needs to be repeated for train of thought and alteration of those thought... So sorry if this is a bit too quick for some of you.

The nerves are going again about posting this because I know it's not going to be easy to take, that a lot of you are going to be upset I've done this but it needs to happen for the rest of the story to work. It has always been part of the plot but as it has come closer and closer to the point of it needing to happen I've been putting myself off doing it because I know its possibly going to ruin the story for some of you but it is for the best in the long run, trust me I haven't done this lightly. I might be a little too early with it but this Lakes section has been deliberately too quick even if I've been pacing slowly because there was a massive amount to get through to get to here and it had to be too intense for reasons that will become clear in a while.

Right then. Please don't hate me too much for this.

* * *

"Is she okay?" Brendan asks immediately as he drops into the front seat.

"Yeah. Bruised but all right."

"I saw Amy come out..."

"She was coming to take your head off." He sighs and looks out the window.

He knows it's because she cares and she has got every right to be worried, she had put up with the fall out of Brendan cutting him off, she worried that about the kids not having a father. Worried what he would do to himself, because she doesn't know that he won't, possibly doesn't know how much he's changed, so can understand why she's upset. On top of that she had been there for him at the beginning and she had seen the damage Brendan did to him, harder for her because she had been where he had been and he was the one that had put her there.

He knows why she is kicking off, knew fine well that she would and he understands but it's hard enough fighting his own doubts without her reinforcing them, without her warning him what Brendan could do. He knows better than her what Brendan can do to him.

But he didn't want her telling him what to do.

He wanted to make his own mind up. He knew what he wanted but he wasn't sure that he could get there.

Brendan telling him it was what he thought was best, when he didn't believe that he could do as much damage as he did. It's hard to take because it means that there was something so wrong the first times round that even if Brendan hadn't gone to prison then maybe they wouldn't have worked out then either.

He blows out a breath.

He can't have the conversations he wants to have with Brendan yet. That could settle him down a little, let him know where he fits in, if he can fit in Brendan life. He's not ready to ask what they do next, how they move forward… They're still stuck in that house until the Barnet's aren't after them and that means they're going to continue to be in a bubble. He knows it is, it's too far from his normal life to know how they will work when they get back to normal.

And what is their normal?

Brendan's running Cobra for Mr Arthur… Would he give that up if he asked? He doesn't know if he can take Brendan being mixed up in that all over again, or worse. He knows how bad it is he's seen it, he pretty much knows that Brendan is back dealing drugs or at least running drug dealers and risking his freedom all over again.

But he had seen how hard it had been for Callum to get out, it had taken ages and he had had help. It's not something that Brendan can just give up at the drop of the hat because he knows that it doesn't work like that. He's seen enough to know it doesn't. He's not naïve to it anymore. He knows that Brendan will owe people and that it'll take time for him to get out.

Does he put everything on hold until then? Or can he put up with it?

It's not like he doesn't know everything that goes along with it, the risk.

Where does Brendan even live now? He can't go back to the house he shared with Dean, at least he doesn't think he can. He can't imagine that Ronnie Barnet would even consider it. He doesn't even know if Brendan wants to go back but where does he go? Has he got anywhere to go?

He feels like he should offer but he knows it's a bad idea, he knows it will be too much too soon or maybe it won't. He's hardly there anyway.

And that's a problem in itself because he's been so busy with the new businesses and they're still building the bistro up even if it's doing okay. He still has to work hard, maybe he could work a few nights less but then Brendan works nights…

He shakes his head and taps it against the window. There are so many things that he doesn't have the answer to.

Laura is in the kitchen putting pizza's in the oven when they arrive back.

"Driving like a twat with a broken hand I take it." She states barely looking at Callum. "Only way you got back here this early."

"Careful you'll have me thinking you care." Callum stands next to the counter.

"That would be a mistake."

He rolls his eyes at them as he hobbles on the crutches to the sofa. Brendan sits a cushion apart from him and leans back in the sofa.

"If you're going to stand there make yourself useful get some beers out." She states.

"How was Robert?" Callum asks going to the fridge and offering one to each of them a can, handing them out and leaving one on the table for Laura before sitting on the opposite side to him.

"He says that next time you get a beating expect it to be from him." Laura says picking up her phone.

"Very kind of him. At least he's not threatening to kill me anymore." Callum raises his beer in a mock toast.

"I think he might just have softened on that one." She taps away at her phone without looking up.

"Always nice to get on with the future in-laws."

"The day we get married is that day that Satan skates to work."

"Ste take note, you heard her she said married without it sounding like a hideous affliction… Give it another two years I might get her to agree."

Laura snorts.

"Got to get her to agree to live with you yet." He reminds him.

"And that will happen over my dead body." She states taking a can from the coffee table and dropping down next to Callum.

"I could become a Necrophile."

"I wouldn't put it past you." Laura shoots back.

"You missed me." Callum beams a smile at her.

She rolls her eyes.

"You and your over inflated ego."

He shakes his head at them.

"What did Ronnie say?" Brendan asks and it changes the mood quickly.

"He said that Fred had stepped out of line with Zac but had defended him, made the books look like Zac was skimming more profit from his deals than he was handing on."

"Zac's not exactly top line anymore." Callum says.

"No but he wouldn't be that stupid. The amounts Ronnie was talking were ridiculous no one would dare take that much and think they can get away with it. Zac's been on the slide but he's been around the block. Anyway bottom line is that no one is going after Fred for Zac but he's on a warning and Ronnie flat out denied that he's coming after us."

"He's lying." Brendan purses his lips.

"Through his teeth but until he makes a move there's not a lot anyone can do." She shrugs. "I laid out everything with Dad and he agrees that Ronnie isn't going to just let this go but his hands are tied. He's told me to stay up here at least the rest of this week to let things cool off after the funeral."

He feels himself tense and the image of Dean bleeding all over the floor comes straight to mind.

"When is it?" Brendan asks gruffly.

"It was yesterday." Laura replies.

Brendan glances at him, nods and gets up walking straight to his room and shutting the door.

He takes a deep breath. Of course Brendan is upset that he's missed the funeral. That he didn't know when his boyfriend was being buried. The boyfriend that had killed himself because Brendan had chosen him. The boyfriend he wouldn't have left if he hadn't killed himself.

"Think I need something stronger." He states, goes to get up.

"I'll get it." Laura says and goes to the fridge bring out a bottle of vodka and comes back with three red shot glasses. "It's been a very long day." She says downing a shot and pouring for Callum and himself.

She picks up her phone and fiddles with it again. Callum glances over at him nods his head towards Laura and smiles brightly. She catches him and frowns.

"You're enjoying being back in the game." Callum says. "Knew you would."

"If you mean I'm enjoying three hour conversations with Ronnie Barnet stone walling then yes I'm loving it… I couldn't get anything off him. But I think I know who he's going to be aiming at." She looks towards Brendan's closed door.

"Brendan." He pulls at his bottom lip. He thought it might be, hadn't wanted it to be but it made sense Brendan was Dean's boyfriend. He had been there when he died.

"Doesn't mean he's not going to have a go at us, but I'd put money on everything all out at Brendan."

"He has Mr Arthur's protection." He states because that was the deal, he was protected by Laura and Brendan was protected by Mr Arthur.

Laura closes her eyes.

"Might not be enough." She states as though it's painful.

"What does that mean?" He hopes it doesn't mean what he thinks it means.

"Brendan has only been working for Mr Arthur a year, he is the manager at Cobra but that's not a massively important role really."

"Thanks." Callum mutters.

"You know what I mean." She says. Callum seems to but he doesn't. "Brendan's position isn't that stable, he isn't trusted like Callum was, his connection to the Barnet's, the potential for divided loyalties means that Mr Arthur let Brendan get into a higher position within his ranks but he doesn't hold the same sway. Mr Arthur will protect him like he will anyone that works for him because he has to, he has to show that everyone that works for him will be looked after to make sure they remain loyal. Problem is that Mr Arthur can cut Brendan loose if he thinks that it'll cause too much trouble for him and Barnet is pretty well placed to persuade him that he's not worth protecting."

"And you can't do anything." He knows that she said she couldn't but he has to check.

"I can't get protection for someone working for someone else… And Mr Arthur won't do me any favours and he doesn't owe me any either now. I used my last to get Callum clear."

"I just got him back." He'd just started thinking that maybe he had him back. He stood up without thinking and the shooting pain in his ankle dropped him straight back to the sofa. He clutched his ankle and tried to breathe through the pain.

"Don't panic. Barnet might not do anything." Laura came to his side.

"But he you think he will." She wouldn't have said it if she didn't think it was a real possibility. She got and walked over to the freezer.

"I don't think that he's going to let Brendan walk away from what happened…" She said returning with a bag of peas, pulling a cloth off the counter as she returned.

"What?" There's something else, something she doesn't want to tell him.

She put the peas against his ankle batting his hands away, he pushed back and covered his eyes with his forearm.

"I think that by being with Brendan we're making ourselves targets."

"You mean I am." Because Laura is as good as bulletproof.

"He can't do anything to us directly but…"

"He can come at me." Callum states. "I have no protection and I own a percentage share in Stellarto so he can go after my share and claim anything else that happens is collateral. Say he sets a fire in the bar and it takes out SALLT then it could be claimed as unintentional."

"That's why I want Callum to sign over his share to me." Laura states. "In my name Barnet can't touch it. He can go after Callum but Stellato and SALLT would be safe."

"You don't know anything though."

"I know where you're staying and I'm not staying here. I'm going back down."

There's something of a resigned look on Laura's face that he doesn't quite understand.

"We'll have to leave as soon as he goes." Laura stated. "If he doesn't know then he can't give us away no matter what the Barnet's do to him." She looks a little pained as she says it.

"You should stay here." He states immediately, he doesn't quite understand the tension that it between them but it seems to stem from Callum leaving and he doesn't think it's just because they'll have to move.

It's his fault. He shouldn't have rang Callum.

"I'm not hiding away. Barnet comes, so what? He comes." Callum replies.

Laura looks away and her jaw tightens.

"We both know that you're right you have to leave, that's the way it has to be. You know all the ways they can get someone to talk and you know that I can't say that I won't give you away because everyone talks eventually." Callum says to Laura who still won't look at him. "Pizza's are done." He gets up and walks straight over to the kitchen.

Laura bites her lip and shakes her head, she gets up and storms around the dining room table and slams the conservatory door on her way outside.

"Told you she's gotten soft." Callum states putting the Pizza's out on the boards.

"Shouldn't you…" He half asks. Shouldn't he follow her out? Shouldn't he go and talk to her?

"I don't think that would be a good idea. She never takes it well when she knows she can't do anything. Besides she can think of far worse methods of torture than anyone else we deal with she's just overreacting."

"You should stay here." He states because despite the fact that Laura acts like a cold hearted bitch most of the time towards him, despite the fact that she insists that she and Callum are friends with benefits, even though she had admitted that she cares for Callum, he's always been pretty sure that she loves him and he knew that Callum loves her.

"That's not who I am and she knows it's not." Callum replies. "You know what I'm not hungry, I'm going to head up and grab a shower where's her room?"

"Top floor." He replies.

"Do me a favour, get the paperwork sorted out and sign Stellato over to her."

"What if Barnet doesn't come?"

"Then she can sign it back over." Callum replies. "It's not like she can't afford to buy me out anyway but I don't want to lose that bar to that bastard we've worked too hard on it."

He puts the peas of the table and grabs the vodka and hops his way to the conservatory doors, she's sat on the lounger at the far end of the paving. He frowns and opens the door, being extremely careful on the way down the steps.

He hops across breaking to lean against the house a few times before sitting down on the end when she draws her legs up to give him room.

He hands the Vodka over, she takes it and downs a good swallow before coughing and handing it back.

"I could do with a long line of coke right about now." She states wistfully. "Or at least a packet of Valium, both if it was on offer."

"We both know drugs don't solve our problems."

"No you know. Me I've never quite learned my lesson." She takes the vodka back.

"He'd stay if you asked him to."

"He wouldn't." She replies. "He'll be fine anyway I don't even know why I'm bothered."

"Barnet might not go after Callum again."

"He might not." She agrees. "But if it was me I'd keep asking the bloke involved with me where I am because sooner or later he's going to know and it would give me what I wanted so Barnet will keep going to Callum."

"What can we do?"

"Nothing. He goes back down and we see what Fred or Ronnie do, if they do anything."

"What about Brendan?" He asks quietly. He doesn't want to ask, he doesn't really want to know because he pretty sure he already does. He just wants her to say it. Wants it clear.

"I can't get him free and clear, I've angled at my Dad to put pressure on Mr Arthur but I don't know if that will be enough. I wish I could say that we could all go back down at the end of the week and it'll be fine but… It was the look in Ronnie's eyes… He's not going to take this. He needs someone to pay. And right now we're in the cross fire." She sighs. "You need to consider how long you can stay away from Chester."

"What?"

"Well you're not leaving Brendan and he can't go back down."

"How do you know?" He asks.

"Because like you said you only just got him back and I know how much you love him so you're not going to go back down if he can't. It just means that you'll have to work things out with Tony."

His head is screaming at him. If he stays with Brendan then he's risking the life he built on a man who has broken his heart, on a man who is unreliable, who he can't trust, who could just be playing him. He'd been risking absolutely everything with the possibility of nothing in return.

His heart though, says there is no choice. He stays and possibly gets what he wants and the cost possibly being the life he has built… Tony would have to take another chef on and that would cut heavily into their profits.

"How long do you think?"

"I don't know." She replies and sighs. "Ste I have to tell you that I don't think Ronnie Barnet will ever let this go, you might not be able to go back with Brendan. You can, okay, you can but Brendan can't without the risk that Barnet will kill him."

He takes a heavy swing from the Vodka.

"It's not fair." He spits out.

"Nope." Laura agrees. "I'm not saying that you can't try it, go back down and hope that nothing happens but the odds aren't good."

The urge comes out of nowhere, the anger boils up and he can't stop himself.

"Why did he have to fucking…" He smashes the bottle against the house. "He could have come straight to me, to me right instead he picks that fucking little bastard and it's screws everything! Why? Why can't we just have this? What did I do that was so wrong that I don't deserve what I want?"

"It's not your fault."

"Has to be doesn't it though because I can't… I never get what I want, I always have to fucking lose everything one way or the other. I can't even…"

"It's not your fault."

"Then whose is it then? Brendan's? Dean's? No this is because he came for me and I was with Jamie, because I couldn't wait. Because I'm so fucking weak that I couldn't live my life alone. I should have waited."

"He wasn't going to come for you at all."

"Thanks. Really thanks for that."

"You know he wasn't. You know that unless you had seen him he wasn't coming back to you. He was going to leave you alone for the rest of your life and bitch all you want that's the facts. Ste if you hadn't gotten on with your life do you really think that you would be standing there right now?"

"No because we would…"

"Ste." She states sharply.

"What?!"

"Brendan wasn't going to come for you ever."

"He would, we never stay apart, always eventually… What do you know?!"

"I know that you know you made the right decision."

"Do I really?"

"Yes because you made it for yourself and for your kids. You made it so that you could be a good father. You made it because you needed to."

He had needed to. He couldn't have gone on the way he was because he was too weak…

"It was the decision you had to make and look what you got, you've got two kids safe at home, you've got three businesses', you've got all of that because you decided you couldn't keep your life on hold indefinitely. And it's not because you're weak or any of that bollocks because no one can keep their lives on hold forever not without giving up completely and that's not you. You're a survivor, you're strong, you're far too stubborn to waste your life because you care too much about the people around you and you know fine well that all they would do is worry about you, and you've never wanted to drag anyone down. You needed to be the father you never had to your kids because that's what's important to you. Your kids and knowing that they need you and that you could never be Pauline or Terry. That you would never put them through that because you know the damage that did to you."

He knows that.

He punches the chair below him and it catches his knuckle he clutches it to his chest.

"I know it's hard to take but sometimes life is just shit..."

He bites into his lips and waits for the pain to go away, for some clarity. For his head to stop raging against his heart.

Laura sighs heavily and gets off the seat.

"I'm going to get some more vodka." She mutters.

He hasn't moved by the time she comes back a bottle of Vodka and a bottle of Sloe Gin. She hands him the Vodka.

"Where will we go?" Anything, he will talk about anything other than the hard choices facing him.

"Dad's got another house in Scotland…" She takes a swig of gin. "I'll sort it out tomorrow." She tongues at her teeth, leans back and takes two deep slugs.

"What?" He asks.

"I think I'll go back down with Callum." She shrugs. "It won't change anything but maybe I can get Fred to come at me."

"You said…"

"I know what I said but maybe I can force it." She replies. "If I make him or Ronnie come directly for me I can work it against them. If I can just get a rise out of Ronnie…"

"No."

"You know how much of a bitch I can be and believe me I can be worse." She nods to herself and smiles a little. "I know I can get at him enough."

"Laura…" He doesn't like the sound of this at all.

"May as well, no point going after Fred he's far too easy to get at but Ronnie, I get Ronnie and that'll be the game."

"It's not a fucking game. What happens if he kills you?"

She snorts a little and takes another drink.

"He'd be a very stupid man."

"You're not doing it. I won't let you, Callum won't let you."

"You're damn right I fucking won't." Callum states striding over.

"Think you can stop me?" She asks.

"Yes."

"Callum don't be naïve, you haven't been able to stop me yet and that's a long time to be trying without taking the hint."

Callum nods to himself a little.

"Ste if you wouldn't mind."

He takes the opportunity to get out of the way because he can tell this is going to be a massive argument and not the kind that Callum enjoys, the kind where Laura keeps going until he has nothing to come back with, the kind where she does take the legs out from under him.

He can't move quickly enough not to catch the start.

"I can tie you to a fucking chair." He hears Callum say and he personally wouldn't have started against her with that.

"Because that worked last time."

"I never should have gotten out." Callum growls in frustration.

"Like you had a choice."

"I did as it happened."

"No you didn't. They had you by your balls one more squeeze and you'd have been castrated."

"Think you're the only one that can turn it around? I remember when Quintin had you by the throat and it was looking for all money that the only way out was to cave and you got out of it. I could have gotten out of it and got myself into a stronger position to boot but I chose not to because I didn't want to take the risk."

"That's always been why you'd have never pulled it off."

He gets to the bottom of the steps and forces himself to go quicker than his ankle can really manage because he doesn't want to hear them. Hear this and know that it's all his fault, if he didn't love Brendan, hadn't pushed at Dean, had just left it and hadn't gone to Ireland, never found out Brendan was back then they wouldn't be about to tear into each other.

"Because I'm not the great Laura Ellington with nothing to lose, no risk is too great…"

He shuts the door, turns around.

"Okay?" Brendan asks from the kitchen, tumbler of whiskey in hand.

He nods and retreats to his room. He can't be around this. Can't take any more of hard choices and consequences.

He drops to his bed and pushes his head into the pillow just wanting some peace, some calm.

He hears the door open and click closed. He feels the weight on the side of the bed. Hears and feels Brendan sit down next to him. He can smell the whiskey. He squeezes his eyes tightly shut.

Tries to stop the peace he can find from this, lying on a bed with Brendan next to him not even touching him, just his presences makes him feel better. It knots his guts up as soon as he realises because he knows just how much he might have to give up to have this. How much he is going to have to risk to even find out.

He said he would try, that he wouldn't give up and the truth is he doesn't want to. He just wants it simple.

He was worrying about where Brendan could fit in his life only to find that it might not be the life he can keep.

"Hey." He hears the glass put down on the wood.

He feels the bed move. Brendan's arms is gentle as he places it over his waist, he flinches at the contact, thinks about shoving it off but he's had enough arguing for one night and it's not going to make anything worse. Brendan shifts and he can tell that he's dropped down the bed with the heat seeps through his t-shirt and into his back and Brendan's breath against the back of his neck.

Brendan can hurt him like no one else but right now it's the rest of the world he needs to keep out. He shuffles back against him. Brendan gently kisses the back of his neck, and turns onto his back pulling at him a little, he goes, put himself under Brendan's chin and wraps himself around him and is wrapped up in return. Leg intertwined, his left hand on Brendan's waist, his right under Brendan's shoulder.

It's all his fault but maybe he can have something out of this and if it's this then maybe it is worth the misery all around him.

He wakes up alone again, he can hear a heated discussion outside his closed door.

"Where else would it have gone?" Callum.

Callum's still here.

He shakes his head, no it's just his imagination, he's just jumping to conclusions.

There's a knock at the door.

"Ste?"

He can't speak from the lump forming in his throat.

Laura opens the door.

"Ste, where's Brendan?"

He shakes his head at her. No.

"The BM's gone." She states as if he needs to hear that to know what happened. Brendan's gone. Brendan's left him.


	63. Chapter 63

Thanks for your reviews. Much appreciated.

The twist...

* * *

He rubs his face. He's not giving Brendan the satisfaction of him losing it. Even if he's not here to see it. Especially because he's not here.

He swallows the lump in his throat. He knew this would happen. He knew it. And although he'd love to pat himself on the back for not trusting Brendan, he'd rather like to track him down and smack him in the face for making him right.

He'd been prepared to give Brendan an inch and he'd thrown it back in his face. It's not like he didn't see it coming. Brendan was always going to leave him. But he thought they were trying, not just him, he thought Brendan wanted them just as much as he did, and yet again it was clear that he was in far deeper than Brendan. That Brendan would say anything…

He thought that he'd at least tell him before he disappeared off out of his life again. He was he trying to be kind, trying to save himself from another long goodbye. He was running away before Ste got the chance to at least try and change his mind. Prick.

"His phone's off..." Laura starts.

He doesn't even need to think too hard about it. He knows where Brendan's gone. The Barnet's are after him and Brendan doesn't hide. He'll hide everyone else away but not himself. He sighs heavily.

"He's gone after Barnet." He shakes his head. He can't believe he couldn't see it. The last few days, it was all leading to this. Brendan was just trying to set things straight with him before he did this. The bastard was always planning on this. Barnet was a threat to Brendan, he was a threat to him and Brendan always tried to protect him, for whatever reason, love, obsession, maybe he hadn't been able to let go of his old habits. Maybe he wanted to protect him because he had failed Dean. Maybe he wanted to pay for what had happened to Dean, pay for what he must think are his failings that lead to Dean's death.

"Maybe he's just gone to the shop." Callum says. "He could be back in half an hour."

"No." He shakes his head. "I know him right and that's where he's gone." He doesn't know why Callum isn't taking this seriously. Why he can't seem to understand what Brendan's going to do.

"Barnet will kill him." Laura states firmly. "He does know that?"

"Not if he kills Barnet." He replies. It's going to happen all over again.

Is he that bad that Brendan can't just say it's over? Why doesn't he just end it? Why does he have to make it so hard?

Why does he have to go back to fucking prison?

Then it hits him.

Brendan would chose death over prison.

Brendan had lied to him. He had wanted to die on that balcony. He had known Brendan had years before and been grateful that Brendan had survived. He knew he would rather die than spend years inside but he hadn't wanted to hear that, hadn't wanted it confirmed. Brendan had wanted to get shot and he's an idiot for letting himself forget it, letting himself believe what he was hearing when he already knew the truth.

"We need to get back down to Chester." He states and starts grabbing his clothes from around the bed and stuffing them in to his bag.

"You're over reacting." Callum states. "Give him a few hours."

He gapes at him because what the fucking hell is he talking about?

Laura whips around on Callum.

"What did Fred say to you?"

"What? Nothing." Callum replies and even he catches the hesitation.

"Bollocks." Laura spits. "Fred didn't just beat you up, he would have asked questions, he would have wanted information… What did he say? And think very carefully before you answer."

Callum keeps his expression completely blank.

"So he did say something…" Laura states and moves closer. Callum stands his ground. "Broken hand, concussion… He wasn't trying very hard to get what he wanted… If that was either of us wanting information we would have broken every finger one at a time, and "I don't know" wouldn't have cut it so what did Fred Barnet say?" It was like watching a snake stalking it's prey. Gliding her way in, voice low and icy cold. "You'll tell me you know you will so why bother with the pretence?"

"He did say something." Callum states evenly.

"What?" Laura asks. "Come on Callum what did he say?" She's pushing and he doesn't know what she's pushing at but he's knows that Callum isn't going to get through it. She doesn't need him to tell her because he'll give himself away. They've been together a long time and Laura doesn't need that much time in his experience to be able to read everything about a person. The extra insight is only going to work against Callum in this.

"I said I wouldn't tell you." Callum's eyes glance to him and Laura clocks it.

"It was a message for Brendan." Laura says thoughtfully and she's studying him.

"What was it?" He demands because he had left those two in a car and the tension had been weird but he had been so catch up with Amy and his own thoughts to question it at the time.

"You're buying Brendan time. That's why you want us to wait isn't it? Brendan told you to keep us or at least Ste here." She states and sighs shaking her head.

"He doesn't want you anywhere near this." Callum concedes looking at him. "He wants you out of it."

"What's he going to do?" She asks. "He can't think that taking on Ronnie and his lot alone is going to work."

"He doesn't want it to." He states and his hands are shaking. Brendan's going to get himself killed on purpose.

"Callum?... For fucks sake what is he planning?"

"He's going to give himself up." Callum replies. "Fred told me to let Brendan know that if he gives himself up then he would leave everyone else alone."

"We have to stop him." It's all he can think. He's got to stop Brendan. He can't lose him. He goes to push past Callum but Callum stands his ground, blocks the door.

"Look at what we've got here."

Callum whips around to face the newcomer and as he does Ste can see Ronnie Barnet with five men following him through the front door.

Fear clasps his stomach. He knows they're in serious trouble… He moves back slightly and looks around the room, he doesn't know what for, a magic door isn't going to suddenly appear and give them a way out.

"Miss Ellington, Mr Hay, you are a rather difficult to find when you put your mind to it. Shame Callum isn't as careful. Come on out of there all of you and take a seat." Ronnie states leaning against the island and gesturing to the dining room table.

Callum walks out first, Laura comes around the side of him and follows Callum leaving him to hobble over slowly. There's no point in running, it's clear from the resigned look on Laura's face. Ronnie has them outnumbered. They run and Barnet's men catch them anyway. He can't even run anyway. Callum and Laura sit closest to Ronnie, he sits next to Laura.

"What brings you here Mr Barnet?" Laura asks leaning back in the chair, forcing herself to look relaxed he can see her hands are clenched.

"You know why I'm here Laura... Protection or no protection."

Callum jumps out of his seat and goes to throw a punch but there's a gun in his face before he does, one of Ronnie entourage holds it in his face until Callum sits back down then keeps it at his head.

"However do you put up with him?" Ronnie asks. "So brash. Callum, you really need to learn to hold your cards closer to your chest."

He catches Laura shaking her head at Callum.

"You chose to keep Brendan Brady from me, you hid him from me and that wasn't a good idea was it?"

"I didn't hide him from you. He was here." Laura replies. "And Brady has protection from Mr Arthur so really all we were doing was staying out of your way."

"Brendan didn't take Anthony's protection, he rejected it." Ronnie states. "Didn't know that did you? You hid a man without protection from me."

Laura flinches slightly. He realises that she didn't know. That she had assumed that Brendan had taken the protection on offer. He had assumed too. She had said so he had accepted that. Brendan had refused protection from a man who was out for his blood. The stupid selfish bastard. He grips the seat below him for an outlet of his frustration.

"Brendan likes to come at people, likes them to see him coming but we both know that it's not the most effective method. I liked your method, get under their skin, find out about them then take everything you've learned and take them apart… Find that weakness and exploit it." He gives a hand gesture and the man with the gun behind Callum slams the gun down on the cast around his hand and keeps slamming it until the plaster is scattered over the kitchen table. Callum grunts but doesn't cry out as the gun comes down again. Ronnie taps the man's hand and he returns the gun to Callum's head. "You weakness Laura. I want Ste, take your protection off him and you can save Callum."

Ronnie hands a knife to another man and he walks behind Callum.

"Wouldn't want his face scared would you?" Ronnie flicks his wrist and the man carves into Callum's jaw. Callum doesn't cry out just clenches his good hand into a fist and taps it against the table. He can see his jaw is set, the tension through his body. He's refusing to cry out. Refusing to let Ronnie have the satisfaction.

"Take your protection off Mr Hay and I'll let him live." Ronnie states.

"Laura." He breathes, he doesn't want to die but he doesn't want to sit and watch Ronnie take Callum being tortured either but she clamps her hand onto his thigh and he shuts up.

"No." She states. "Cut him up."

"You don't think I will?" Ronnie asks.

"I don't care if you do, but at least give the knife to someone who knows what they're doing." Her tone is icy, impenetrable. "If you're going to take him apart at least do it properly."

He tries to catch her eye but she's focused on Ronnie.

"That's what Brendan did wasn't it. Took your boy apart. What was left of him." Laura says evenly.

"Give me that." Ronnie grabs the knife off the man and stands behind Callum. "Joint by joint isn't that your method Callum. Limb from limb." He presses the blade against Callum's forearm at the crook of his elbow. "I've always preferred making people bleed out. Watch them slowly bleeding all over the floor."

"It was Mary, wasn't it?" It's more a statement than a question.

Ronnie has the blade against Callum's arm but he's frozen.

"You sent Fred and Rick away to boarding school and you left Dean in that house with his mentally unstable mother." Laura taps at the table, she's not looking at Ronnie, he can see that she has half an eye on Ronnie's men.

He looks at Callum who has his eyes closed, lips moving but he can't work out what he's saying to himself.

"Interesting thing prison psychological evaluations." She states. "I learned a lot about you and your family from what Dean said in those sessions. Mary, always Mary, locked up scared in a darken room, the pain she inflicted on him, the things she did to him and you left him alone…"

Ronnie lunges forward dropping the knife and pulls Laura from her chair throwing her to the floor. Callum goes to stand but the guns back on him and he freezes.

"That's why you could never discipline him, that's why he could do no wrong. You felt guilty."

Ronnie pulls another knife from the block, kicks out catching her in the ribs.

"You blame Brendan all you want but it was Mary that destroyed Dean." Laura says coughing a little. "It was the woman you loved."

He sees it coming but he can't move, he's frozen.

Ronnie lunges forward and Laura rolls away as the knife is stabbed into the tiled floor. Two of the other men rush around and grab Laura forcing her to stand.

"You can kill me, kill everyone but it was you who didn't see it Ronnie. Your wife was abusing your son and you turned your back on him." She should shut up. He's sure she should. "Nothing you ever do is going to make up for what you let him suffer. All he wanted was for you to save him from her but you were too busy and you didn't want to see what she was doing. She destroyed your son and you loved her for it."

Ronnie picks up the knife and slams it into her side. Laura makes grunts and struggles.

Then chaos erupts all around them, he finds himself dragged under the table roughly, he bangs his head on the chair and his hip on the table. Callum grabs him and holds him still bringing his hands up until they're over his ears to protect them from the gun fire all around him then it's silent.

The smell of gun powder is swirling in the air around him, copper and burning.

His ears are ringing.

One of the men that was with Barnet appears under the table.

"Stop hiding under the table Taylor and get your arse up." He just about hears him say.

He sits frozen for a moment then crawls out. There is blood everywhere, four of Ronnie's men lying on the floor, he turns towards where Laura was, she's lying on the floor coughing with a hand welded to her rib cage as the man sits over her.

Callum has Ronnie pinned up against the wall.

"Leave him." Laura orders gasping. "We can't kill him."

Callum punches Ronnie instead and he falls to the floor in a heap.

"Didn't know you were going to come through for a second there." Laura says to the man, grunting sharply as he jostles her.

"For a second there I wasn't you stupid bitch honestly you're old man is going to fucking lose it." The man replies helping her up onto the sofa. "It's deep Law's." The man says pressing her hand harder into the wound. "Taylor makes yourself useful and get me a cloth."

Callum does as he's told.

"Who the fuck are you?" Callum asks as he hands the cloth over.

"Don't recognise me Taylor? Too many hits to his fat head."

Laura snorts then cries out as the man quickly pries her hand away and presses the cloth there, gets her hand and presses it against the cloth.

He steps closer. It's like he's not part of it. Like he has no place in this.

"Yeah getting stabbed hurts." The man states soothingly. "You need a hospital." He states. "Quicker if you drive… Dave Harris I used to work for her old man way back when she was just as fucking reckless as she seems to be now. You're meant to learn your lessons Law's and not poke sticks in wasps' nests. Take her to hospital and I'll arrange a clean-up with Robert."

"What about him?" Callum kicks at Ronnie's foot. "He could have been killed in the cross fire."

"No. I acted to protect her anything more and it'll be everyone's arse." Dave states firmly. "Ronnie is too big and Robert will have plans for him after this. Now go on." Callum gets an arm under Laura and helps her to her feet. "Hey Laws I hope you know we're even now."

"You still owe me." Laura replies. "Ste get the door."

He goes as quick as he can pushing on his trainers as Callum goes through the door, he takes one last look around the bullet ridden room and shuts the door on it. As soon as he's outside he feels like he can breathe again.

Callum helps Laura in the back seat.

"Get in with her." He instructs as he races around to the driver's side.

He does as he's told and sits in the back seat with Laura's legs behind him. She looks pale, she's panting and there's a thin layer of sweat starting to form on her skin.

"Sorry for the drama's." She says and he can see her trying to get her breathing under control.

He closes his eyes and rocks back a little as Callum pulls out of the drive hard.

"Hey it's okay Ste." Laura says a little stronger.

And how is anything okay? He leans forward into the passenger seat's head rest and tries to get a grip on himself. He feels like he's flying apart. It's all too much.

"If Dave wasn't there what would you have done?!" Callum shouts as he takes a corner a little too fast and the car over steers on the slick roads.

"He was there." Laura replies wincing. "Just had to get Ronnie to do… something."

"Getting stabbed of all the stupid fucking things to do." Callum rages.

"Dave couldn't do… anything… until he did something." She's getting paler by the second. She places her free hand on his arm and squeezes.

It shocks him out of his whirling mind.

"Ste… I need you to press…"

He presses his hand over her's and the blood oozes from the cloth.

It's deep, the knife had been pretty long, he can feel her struggling, tremors running through her body.

"Laura?" He asks not taking his hand away from the cloth, there's so much blood. "Callum." There's too much blood.

"Ste, it's okay." She pants. "I'll be fine… It just really… fucking hurts."

"Where are we going?" He asks because he doesn't even know where the closet hospital is.

"Manchester." Callum replies.

"Nowhere closer?" He frowns.

"Yeah but I know she'll get treated properly at a big hospital."

"It'll take an hour." He doesn't want her in the car an hour not when it's bleeding so much.

"Not with my driving it won't." Callum replies and speeds up even more.

"He's going to… get done for speeding." Laura says.

"I'll take the fucking fine." Callum snaps.

He keeps his eyes glued to his hand. He doesn't want to look up at her face, doesn't want to see what this is doing to her. He focuses on making sure that he keeps as much blood inside her as possible. He can feel her loosening her grip on the wound by the time they reach the motorway. He presses his hand harder and gets used to the erratic driving as Callum lane hops.

The engine is growling.

"Laura?" He asks because she's way too quiet. "Stay awake."

"Good idea." She replies weakly.

"Faster Callum." He states and he doesn't even know if that's possible.

By the time they are in Manchester and Callum is forced to slow she's struggling with her breathing.

"Laura hang on yeah, you've got to hang on." He begs her to just keep breathing, keep living because she has to.

Callum picks her up and runs into A&E with her, he sees him disappear inside. He can't take his eyes off the blood on the seat.

There's a tap on the window.

"You can't stay here." A woman in fluenceant clothing is saying. He nods but he can't move. The door opens. "You… Oh." The woman stops short. "Tim!" He hears her shout.

The door behind him opens.

"What's your name?"

He doesn't reply.

"Come on love let's get you out of the car." There are hands on him and he lets them guide him until he puts his feet on the floor and the pain rockets up his leg. He curses and punches the car as hard as he can. And again until someone is gripping his hands and shouting at him to calm down.

He stops struggling and let's himself drop onto his arse next to the car, he loses sight of the blood as the woman drops down in front of him.

"What happened?"

He shakes his head.

"Alright come one let get you inside. Tim move the car, lock it up and bring me the keys." She helps him to stand and he leans against her as she guides him through to the reception.

"Ste!" He hears Callum call his name. Then he's right in front of him. "She'll be fine Ste." Callum says and he wonders if it's because he actually believes that or because he can't accept the truth. "Ste." Callum grips his chin and forces him to look at him. "She will be fine." Callum states and he can see that he believes it.

He nods.

He sits there and lets the world pass around him until he looks down at his hands. His hands are covered in Laura's blood. He stares at it, moves his fingers and watches it.

"Let's get you cleaned up." Callum sighs and gently but firmly lifts him up to his feet then walks him to the bathroom, then puts the soap in his hands and scrubs his hands for him.

"She'll be fine Ste." Callum repeats reaching for some paper towels.

He's a mess and Callum's fine. Laura's been stabbed and Callum was going to get killed but he's holding it together.

"Sorry." He mutters. "Look at the state of me." He plays with his bottom lip.

"She'll be fine." It's like Callum's mantra.

"And what if she's not?" He has to ask because that's all that's running through his head.

Callum doesn't answer, just leans against the sink next to him with his head bowed, he takes two heaving breaths, then straightens himself up, turns and walks back out.

He looks at himself in the mirror. He looks as horrible, he goes to look away but he catches the bruise on his neck, Brendan's bite mark.

He closes his eyes and turns away from it. Brendan left him, went looking from some stupid revenge and it the man he had gone after had come for him instead.

He slaps his hand back against the cool surface. He refuses to think about him, refuses point blank and instead forces himself to go back out into the busy reception where Callum is talking to a doctor. He hangs back a bit.

Callum strides over.

"They've taken her to surgery." He states. "We can wait upstairs… I'll have to ring Robert." He looks a little pained but pulls his phone from his pocket. "…Manchester Royal." He says and returns his phone to his pocket. "He's on his way."

The receptionist gets a nursing assistant to take them to a set of chairs in a long corridor. It pretty quiet except for the occasional nurse and doctor walking past.

"Why did she do it?" He asks quietly.

"Ronnie couldn't do anything to you two unless one of you lashes out first. She made him lash out at her. She picked a weak point and pushes against it. As soon as Ronnie hit her she knew Dave would be able to retaliate. If he wasn't there I don't know what we would have done. Ronnie would have killed me or maybe she had some other plan, fucked if I know." Callum leans back and slides down the chair.

"She didn't try and stop him..." Callum was at Ronnie's mercy and Laura hadn't caved in.

"She played him. Distracted him." Callum replies. "Don't think about it too much Ste. She knew what she was doing. I just fucking hoped she knew what she was doing." He sighs and thumbs at his jaw. "Better go and get a couple of butterflies in this."

He stays in the corridor by himself. His hands haven't stopped shaking. He gets up and paces a bit, tries to get some of the adrenaline out of his system.

Callum returns with his hand bandaged and five strips on the wound on his jaw.

"I'll get a cast on this when we get back to Chester." Callum squeezes his shoulder. "She'll be fine."

"Taylor." A tall well-built man in an immaculately tailored suit strides down the hall way.

He knows it Robert from the way that Callum immediately sits up.

"Mr Ellington." He frowns as Callum shrinks a little in his presence. "Laura's in surgery."

"So the Doctor tells me. Let's have it Taylor." Robert has a commanding presence around him like he's used to giving orders and them being followed. He properly is.

"She provoked Ronnie and he stabbed her. Dave Harris took out the rest of Ronnie's men."

"That I know, Harris informed me what I want to know is how Ronnie found out where you were in the first place."

Callum struggles looking for the words.

"It's my fault." He states because it is. "I needed to see my daughter and I rang Callum, they followed him up."

"Mr Hay." Robert looks at him and he knows that the older man is trying to intimidate him but he's always riled against shrinking away. Robert nods. "I have heard a great deal about you from Laura, it is nice to have a face to go with a name finally. I am Robert."

"Ste." He shakes Robert's offered hand. "I'm sorry."

"No need to be. Taylor here knows better than not to check for tails." Robert replies staring Callum down. "Where's Brady?"

"He left." He replies. "He went to meet Fred Barnet." He fucking left.

"Well that wasn't very clever was it?" Robert states and reaches into his pocket picking up his phone. "Watson find Brendan Brady." He closes the phone and puts it down. "Where are your manners Taylor?"

Callum jumps straight up off his seat and moves across to the other side of the corridor.

There are at least ten other vacant seats. Robert's on a power trip over Callum. His daughter is in surgery and he's playing games with her boyfriend. He sighs.

"Coffee black one sugar. Ste?" Robert asks. "He's going you may as well." Robert adds when he doesn't reply.

"Tea please." He states. He's fairly sure that Robert wouldn't take no for an answer.

Callum strides away and a few aces down the corridor he can see him straighten his shoulders.

"He's worried about her." He states. He knows Callum loves Laura.

"He is lucky that Laura likes him." Robert says. "I'm half convinced she is only with him to annoy me."

"I don't think it's like that." He replies.

Robert smiles amused.

"I can see why you and her get along." He frowns at him. "There's a fine line though Ste between bravery…"

"… And stupidity. I know Callum told me." He realises now where Callum got the saying from.

"At least he hasn't forgotten where he came from." Robert says.

Callum returns with the hot drinks and leans against the corridor wall to drink his.

There's an awkward tense silence between them all. He wants to break it but he doesn't know to. He doesn't think Callum would appreciate it and he's not sure about Robert.

He hates waiting. He hates hospitals. He just wants to know if she's alright.

He's half destroyed his cup by the time the doctor comes an hour or so later, takes Robert a little way off down the corridor.

He watches and tries to read what's being said between them but he can't. Robert's giving nothing away. He glances at Callum who is also watching them.

Robert nods once and shakes the doctor's hand as the doctor places his hand on Robert's bicep, a comforting gesture.

Robert walks towards them and his stomach drops.


	64. Chapter 64

Thank you for your reviews.

Sorry for the lack of updates, life got in the way again.

* * *

"I wish I'd learnt first aid… Felt useless watching you bleed everywhere. It's all over the back seat…"

He watches the drip, the drop, drop of clear liquid in the little cylinder.

Robert had told the doctor that Ste was family and he would be sitting with her, then disappeared off with Callum who had looked like there was nothing he wanted to do more than sit with Laura.

He hadn't even questioned it, just sat on the seat provided, refused the drink offered and looked anywhere but at Laura, her pale skin, the tubes running into her. He doesn't even know why he's looking at the drip when it's just a reminder of where the liquid and the blood behind it is going.

"Do you reckon your Dad's killed Callum?" He mumbles to himself. He's been rambling on about nothing for the past hour. Anything to break the rhythm of the beeping from the machines. He's sick of them even though they are a reassurance that she's still alive.

Laura had woken up in recovery, talked to the doctors, then gone to sleep and hadn't stirred since her transfer into the side room.

A nurse comes in every so often, takes readings from the machines, fills in charts and offers a small smile to him.

He glances towards the door. Still no sign of either of them. He'd thought that Robert would want to be here, Callum as well instead they're god knows where, doing god knows what and he doesn't understand

"Never seen Callum scared of anyone before but he's proper scared of your Dad." He supposes that it's not surprising. Robert's attitude towards Callum is worse than frosty. He gets it. Robert hasn't forgiven Callum for trying to take him out and Callum is serving his penance. He wishes they would get over it. He wishes that Laura's condition was enough for them to unite at least until she's better.

At least she's going to get better.

"Bit intimidating isn't he though." Robert demanded respect just from the way he carried himself. His tone. He would stand up against it but he knew better than to push it with a man like that. It would only end badly for him.

"Suppose your Dad would be, I mean you're intimidating when you want to be, not like him though." That core of cold steel seemed to be something that father and daughter shared.

She was ice cold against Barnet. Like she was in control even though there were guns around them, they were outnumbered. It was like there was no doubt in her mind that she could get what she wanted, Barnet to lose control.

He had felt so helpless, so scared sat there watching, waiting for Ronnie to just get sick of the talking and shoot them all. Ronnie had been trying to stick to the rules and instead Laura had used that against him.

He hadn't seen her like that before. He'd seen her control situations before but never when the risks were so high.

All she had to do was hand him over. It was the easiest thing to do. Hand him over, save Callum and instead she had gone at Ronnie. Put herself in the firing line and been stabbed for it.

He wouldn't even be here watching the drip if the knife had been longer or entered at a different angle. If Ronnie had thought instead of just acted. If he had aimed he would have killed her.

He sighed heavily.

All of this because Dean had killed himself. All of this because Brendan had chosen to keep him alive.

He hadn't heard from Brendan, not that he was expecting to, but he thought that maybe he had heard what had happened… What would Brendan care? It was Laura that had nearly died. He properly heard what had happened and kept going.

Fred Barnet was the threat he had been going after.

"How she doing?" Callum shocks him. He hadn't heard the door.

"Sleeping." He replies and turns to face him.

Callum lets the door swing shut behind him and walks over, his eyes are glued to the bed. To the person he can't look at because he feels so guilty that she ended up in here.

"May as well enjoy the peace while it lasts." Callum pulls a chair from the wall and moves it across until he's sat next the bed.

He frowns at him. Laura's lying there and Callum is joking about it.

"She is not a good patient." Callum says. "It's that independent streak of hers." He brushes a few stray hairs from her forehead.

It's the most care he's seen Callum touch anything with. It's the most open gesture he's ever witnessed from Callum.

"You're not angry at her?" In the car he had been although maybe that was worry.

Callum looks at the monitor next to the bed, pulls a face of indecision then looks back to him.

"I'm looking forward to losing the argument…" He looks relieved that they'll have the opportunity to argue again and he can relate to that. "Robert's got people looking for Brendan but so far no luck."

He sighs heavily and bites his cheek.

"He is doing what he thinks is best." Callum states.

"Yeah seems like that's always leaving me." He can't help the bitterness. It's not the fact that Brendan left him to go and see Fred it's that he didn't tell him, that he doesn't care what him dying would do, the absolute end of hope…

"What would you prefer him to stay with you, take the risk that the Barnet's would come at you, kill you to get to him? He didn't think Ronnie would find us, he thought you were safe. It's pretty easy from where I'm sitting. Leave and try and sort out the threat, get your lives back or stay and have it hanging over you forever, constantly waiting for the hammer to drop."

He had made this decision before with Walker. He had told Brendan to stop him, kill him because he knew he was never going to stop and he couldn't live with knowing that Walker was out there just waiting to kill Brendan.

He sighs and nods. He knows, it's just that he doesn't fucking like it. If he'd just told him instead of running off and making decisions that affect his life.

"Where's her Dad?"

"Gone to speak to Ronnie."

"He left?" He would never leave Leah or Lucas if they were in Laura's condition.

"He spoke to her surgeon as soon as he said she should make a full recovery he left." Callum shrugs. "When the police ask you for a statement we're going to say we were all outside, Laura went back in for a drink we heard a noise, went back in, there were two men in balaclava's, one was short around five seven the other was around six foot, they were dressed in jeans and black t-shirts, Laura was on the floor, the men ran out the front and we didn't go after them got it?"

He nods, it's simple enough.

"Keep it hazy."

"I've lied to the police before." He replies.

Callum nods, he fiddles with the bed sheet close to Laura's hand. He watches as Callum decides against taking her hand and pulls out his phone from his pocket instead.

"Our stuff from the house is outside I'm going to go put it in the Aston." Callum states before quickly leaving the room.

He looks out the window at the grey clouds and the rain.

"You alright?" He frowns and turns. Laura looks back at him a bit groggy.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"I know I'm not." She winces and shifts. "I hate generals, always makes me feel like shit." She mutters, voice quiet. She tries to reach for a glass of water, but stops half way and drops her arm back down. "Could you?" He can tell it's grating on her to ask for help especially for something so simple and he gets what Callum was implying. Laura is going to hate every second of being a patient.

He reaches across and gets the glass offering to her. Her handshakes slightly as she takes a few sips and hands it back.

"You shouldn't have do that." He wants to shout at her but she doesn't look up to it.

"Got stabbed? I know." She replies closing her eyes. "Get the nurse would you?"

"What's wrong?" He asks.

She blows out a breath.

"I feel sick."

He goes out into the ward and looks around there's a few nurses dotted around but they all look busy, he head to the desk and asks one of the nurses to come and see Laura.

"I'll get you some more anti-nausea medication but what they gave you in recovery should be dealing with it." The nurse states then leaves.

"How are you feeling?" He asks. It's a pretty stupid question.

"Shit." She replies. "How long am I stuck in here?"

"No one said anything." He's got the feeling that it will be a while.

The nurse returns injects the medication into port in Laura's hand.

"How long have I got to stay?"

"The doctor will come and see you shortly." The nurse says on her way out passing Callum as he returns with his bag of clothes.

"Awake then."

"No I'm sleep with my eyes open." Laura sighs and shifts again.

Callum shakes his head and smiles a little at him.

"Thought you might want to get changed." Callum offers him the bag.

He's still got Laura's blood on his clothes. He squeezes Laura's hand before making his way to the toilets, he wishes he had his crutches but the more he walks on his ankle the harder it feels, the more pressure it can take, it's still won't take his full weight but he can get away with using the front of the ball of his foot and toes. He gets changed quickly, there's nothing clean in his bag but he's pulls on the least dirty smelling shirt he can find and yesterday's Jeans. As long as it doesn't have blood on it he's not bother.

He feels knackered, he wonders if he should get himself a hotel room or if he should stay in the hospital. He would go to Amy's but he doesn't want the hassle because he knows that she won't have calmed down about all this yet and she doesn't even know half of it.

He takes his time getting back to the room, Callum's outside on the phone, he goes to walk in but Callum shakes his head at him. He leans against the wall and waits. He can't pick up much of the conversation that Callum's having, he's not trying to listen but he hear enough to realise it's something to do with wine.

"Anything on Brendan?" He asks. He had half hoped that Callum had been talking to him.

"Nothing."

He doesn't have Brendan's number. He can't even text him. He rolls his tongue. Why should he? Because the longer this was going on the more he was getting the feeling that he was right and Brendan was going to get himself killed. The anxiety is building, he's tried to stop it but now he can't distract himself anymore.

Callum looks back in the room.

"Coppers are in there." Callum states. "Might take a while."

"You staying here tonight?"

"I've booked a couple of rooms at a hotel." Callum replies. "Robert doesn't want you or Laura going back down for a few days while this Ronnie stuff gets settled, not that she's going anywhere. I got Ravi to run the bar, cleared it with Tony. He's starting to wonder just what's going on."

He'll work out just what to tell Tony when he's standing in front of him and can work out just how much truth he really needs to know. As little as possible is looking great from here.

The police take half an hour to finish talking with Laura then they ask to talk to him. He sticks to what he was told to say. Shrugs off and says he was too worried about Laura to notice much else.

There's a detective with the two PC's. DI Anderson, a haggard looking man with a weathered face, crumbled brown suit with coffee stains down his blue shirt. He hadn't liked him the second he saw him. He was too senior for this. Looking at him too knowingly. Like he could see straight through his lies but hadn't contradicted him while he was talking to the PC but as soon as he had sighed his statement and they had left DI Anderson had asked him to stay.

"You seem to be mixed up in some very strange coincidences." The older man states. "Car accident less than a week ago with a well-known drug dealers son, who threatened to kill you, killed himself then Dr Ellington gets stabbed… I'm sure you're aware of her family history and you've got Callum Taylor standing outside the door… You should seriously consider telling us exactly what's been going on Mr Hay."

"Don't know what you're talking about." He plays dumb.

"I know you do. How many more reprisals before this is through?" The detective asks. "Tell me what you know and I'll help you get out of it. You seem to have been caught up in something way out of your league."

It is way out of his league and he wants it to be. He doesn't want to be involved with gangsters and guns. He wants his life back. He wants to be worrying about the specials, the ordering, managing his rota's.

"Have you got any more questions?" He asks, he wants out of the room. Out of the weight of suspicion not because he can't handle it but because he doesn't want to deal with it.

"No." Anderson states.

He pushes up out of his seat and balances himself. The detective stands.

"Wait." He offers him a card. "When you find yourself in so deep that you can't get out, give me a call and if you help me take them down I'll cut you a good deal."

"I'm just a chef, all this don't know anything about it." And doesn't he wish that were true.

The detective nods at him and holds the door for him.

He walks slowly away, he can feel Anderson's eyes on him all the way down the corridor.

It's a relief to be back in Laura's room.

"Go okay?" Callum asks.

"There was this detective."

"Anderson." Laura states, she's got her eyes closed and she still looks faintly sick. "Try and get you to tell him everything?"

He nods.

"He works for NCS." Callum states. "I've had a few run ins with him."

"He's got nothing and he's fishing without bait." Laura says. "Offered me a deal, turn on my old man… Only problem is that he hasn't got anything on me, any of us, he tried to bluff his way through."

He nods. He knows the police can't have anything on him because he hasn't done anything, well nothing that the police can charge him with.

"What about Brendan?"

"His record and working for Mr Arthur, he'll be on their radar."

He plays with his bottom lip.

"Don't worry about him without evidence he can't do fuck all and Mr Arthur is pretty good at keeping the coppers off the scene." Laura states. "I'm going to get some more pain killers, you two may as well go get something to eat. No point staying here."

"Sure?" Callum asks before he can.

"Yes. Now go on no point watching me sleep."

Callum hesitates then nods and stands up.

"See you tomorrow." Laura says and closes her eyes a moment then presses the call button. "Ste." Laura calls him back. "Try not to worry too much about Brendan and get some sleep you look like crap."

He nods and goes out to join Callum.

The hotel was nice, expensive, he dumped his bag in his room and met Callum downstairs.

"Where do you want to eat? Aubaine? Ning? Sandinista?" Callum asks. "Roberts footing the bill."

He really would love to eat at any of those places, a few others that come to mind as well but he doesn't want anything fancy, doesn't want to be in anywhere high class, he just wants something simple, he's hungry but at the same time the knot that won't relent isn't going to let him enjoy anything.

"Anywhere." He replies.

Callum drives them around for a while looking for somewhere. They end up at Italian restaurant that he doesn't notice the name of. He's so tired he doesn't care. He sits and tries not to lean against the wall.

"You're not much company." Callum states looking up from the wine list.

"Sorry." He's not really. Callum isn't making much of an effort either, he looks worn out, well as worn out as Callum ever looks, even in jeans, a shirt, with a 12 O' Clock shadow, and a tension in his shoulders that is more than usual he not sure if he didn't know him he'd even notice.

"We should go back to the hospital." He states when he's half way picking through his main, it's nice, he's just can't stomach much. He doesn't want to be sat in a hotel room alone and he can tell that Callum wants to go back. If Robert rings about Brendan, he'd just rather be there to hear it straight away.

"If you want." Callum replies.

"You do too." For different reasons.

"That obvious?" Callum asks shaking his head and taking a large mouthful of wine. "She doesn't want me there. She hates anyone seeing her weak."

"She didn't say we shouldn't go back." He not sure Laura doesn't want Callum there despite her being vulnerable, he knows she won't ask him to be there but being in a hospital bed having been stabbed, in his experience he thinks she's not going to be too upset about their dropping back in.

"You're right she didn't."

Robert is back and he and Laura are talking as he follows Callum into the room. Callum holds his hand out and stops him walking in any further so they're just inside the door.

"… so you'll need a new one."

"If I wanted one I've got money, I can buy my own." Laura replies. "Besides which that's not the problem. Ste, the BM's been found."

He feels the heaviness in the tone. He knows that something bad has happened.

"Brendan?" He asks although he doesn't want to.

"We don't know anything. But the BM was involved in a crash, it had been flipped, there were bullet casings on the road and there was some blood. Brendan wasn't there, the car was empty. Dad's got people looking but he can't get a lead."

He takes a deep breath and leans against the wall. The pit that's been in his stomach all day is now a black hole.

"He was after Fred Barnet." He states hoping that it will be enough. That's the lead. That's got to be enough.

"Fred skipped the country a couple of hours ago." Robert states. "He's gone to Holland. Rick is leaving on a flight to Spain in an hour."

"It doesn't mean anything." Laura says softly. "They will have heard about Ronnie and they'll have freaked out."

"Or Fred killed Brendan and he's on the run." He manages to get out.

There's no denial. None of them are denying it. He was waiting for them to say that he was talking rubbish, that he was talking the impossible but as he looks at their faces he knows that it's a real possibility, that Brendan could be dead.

"Ste calm down. We don't know anything. Brendan could be fine."

"Or he could not be." He spits back. He runs his fingers through his hair and winces as he walks to the window and looks out. Brendan could be dead. Could be lying in a gutter somewhere bleeding… His imagination runs away with him, he can see it. Brendan lying on the ground blood all over him. It interchanges with the memories of when Brendan was shot on the balcony, when he thought he wouldn't get up, then the old nightmare of the cold skin, the dead eyes. Brendan's body but Brendan gone.

He can't get rid of the images. He can't get rid of the black hole in his gut. He feels himself being led over to a chair and he sits but he can't… Brendan could be dead.

It's not knowing all over again. The limbo all over again except this time he knows that Brendan was in harm's way.

Robert left at some point but he can't quite pin point when.

He looks up from his hands. Laura is asleep. Callum's fiddling with his phone.

He needs to do something.

"Ste go to sleep." Callum says quietly shocking him a little, his voice has broken the rhythm of the beeping that he had been listenting to. "I hear anything I will wake you."

The relative's room has a sofa in it, he's sat on it while waiting for Laura to be settled in her room after recovery. It's not very big but big enough to have a lie down without the crick that has formed in his neck over the past... Few hours? He doesn't know how long he was sat in the chair but it's dark and the ward lights are dimmed. He hobbles a couple of steps then as soon as he's outside Laura's door he stamps his foot to harden his ankle, it hurts but it's a good kind of pain, the kind of pain he can control. He deliberately puts more weight through his ankle than he has in days but the pain, it's a distraction and he needs it. The walk has him worn to bone. The energy in his body, the tingles running through his muscles, he's so tried but his body is awake.

As soon as he lies down the room tilts. He closes his eyes and the rooms swirling. He's so tired.

It's not comfortable, he turns to face the back so he has something or nothing to look at, nothing that he can distract himself with, he needs to calm down, he knows there's nothing to look at so there's no point opening his eyes.

"Steven." He startles awake. It was a dream, or the tail end of a dream. But there's the press of a body against the back of his knees and his thighs. The feeling of a body leaning over his.

"Steven?" Fingers running through his hair.

"You bastard." He turns his torso, takes a second to look at him. Takes in the scratches on his right cheek, the black eye forming then wraps his arms around his neck and pulls him down onto him.

"I thought you were dead." He states desperately into Brendan's neck.

"I'm okay." Brendan says back, holding him but not using as much force as he is, pulling back.

He's not allowed to yet.

He wants a few more minutes of Brendan alive, breathing, not lying dead bleeding. Heart beating thumping under his fingers. Arms around him. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes. Let's himself feel the relief, the ease of the knot in his stomach. Let's Brendan's breath on his neck, his hands, his weight reassure him that he is really here, he's really alive and the images that have plagued him are just his imagination.

"Okay?" Brendan asks pulling back a little but not as far as before.

He nods a few times. He blows out a breath.


	65. Chapter 65

Thanks for your reviews.

Sorry this has taken so long to update. Life is not to blame this time it was my complete inability to get this to where it needs to be for section 6 to work.

End of the Lakes and section 5, the start of section 6, which is going to be another long section.

* * *

"You should have told me." He states. He really fucking should.

"I just needed to…" He doesn't want excuses. An apology might be too much ask for. He knows that Brendan thinks he is in the right, meaning he's going to back his decision.

"No Brendan. You should have told me." He presses.

"You would have tried to stop me." No apology. Like he thought, but still he wasn't expecting one.

"Yeah I would. Going to meet a man that wants to kill you, can't imagine why I'd have a problem with that?"

"He wasn't there. It was a trap." Brendan sighs leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, turning his back a little.

"And you walked straight into it."

"Drove."

"Like that matters." He spits a little. He's really trying to keep his temper in check, the relief that he's safe is helping but the more Brendan keeps being a smartarse the harder it's going to be.

"I made a mistake." Brendan replies evenly.

He blows out a breath. There is no point in arguing. No point in pointing out that Brendan could have been killed. They both know that, looking at the state of him. He's not going to ask if he went there to get killed. He's not going to ask if it would have been worth it.

Fred dead and Brendan back behind bars. Fred dead and Brendan dead. Brendan dead.

All the scenarios have gone through his head and in all of them he knows that Brendan didn't consider him in any of it. Brendan had decided everything and never thought for a second about him, whatever the motivations. He's never thought of what would happened to him if Brendan died all in the name of stopping the Barnet's. The guilt that would have left him with.

"I understand why you went." He states. "I'm not an idiot Brendan and I don't want the Barnet's hanging over any of us, I understand that you went to try and get Fred off our cases."

"That's good." Brendan sounds surprised.

"What I don't understand is why the fuck you couldn't just tell me? Waking up to find the bed empty and the BMW gone. Yeah I could have done without that." He bends his legs back into his chest so he can get them from behind Brendan.

"I didn't want to worry you."

"Well isn't that a fucking laugh? And what did you think I was doing when I didn't know where you were? You know aside from watching Laura get stabbed and nearly bleed to death?"

"I didn't know Ronnie would…"

"I'm not fucking blaming you for what happened with Ronnie." He snaps. He knows that Brendan would have been there if he'd known, if only so he could kill Ronnie. "I'm asking you if you think I wasn't worried about what was happening to you?"

"I had to…"

"You didn't think about me at all did you?" He knows he didn't.

"I went for you." Brendan says.

And he can't help thinking he knows exactly who Brendan went for, himself.

"But you didn't tell me." He tries to get Brendan to see his problem. He doesn't want to be kept in the dark. He wants to trust Brendan but he can't and Brendan keeping things from him, important things it isn't helping his case.

"What do you want from me? An apology? I'm not apologising for going to kill a man who wouldn't think twice about killing you." Brendan temper is kicking up a couple of notches.

"Wanted another stretch inside did you? Don't think the courts would go easy on you. But then you weren't looking to go back to prison were you?"

"What does that mean?"

He blows out a breath harshly. He doesn't want the argument. He knows Brendan went there with half a mind, if not more on not making it out.

"You know what it doesn't matter." He states. It does matter but it's not like he's going to get a straight answer. He gets to his feet catching himself with a hand against the wall as he loses his balance slightly.

"Clearly it does." Brendan replies leaning back.

He shakes his head and his lip curls against his will.

Brendan tilts his head back, throat on display, then rubs his face and rocks to his feet, he's in front of him almost within a blink of an eye.

"I'm tired as fuck so enough of this it doesn't matter shit. Tell me what's wrong?" Brendan demands, orders.

"You really want to know?" He asks. He's offering an out. He's offering a way that this doesn't have to spark.

"I wouldn't be asking if I didn't."

"You trying to get yourself killed is my problem." He bites out.

Brendan looks stunned for a moment then blows out a breath, rubs his hand across his stubble.

"Deny it then."

"Steven I..."

"I fucking knew it." It's like a lump of ice in his stomach. Cold and burning. He shakes his head and puts all his weight through his ankle, embracing the pain as a distraction. He goes to pull the door, then turns instead.

"It's always the same isn't it? You talk a good relationship but when it comes down to it you'll always do what you want, fuck my life up and never give it a second thought." He exclaims. "Well I'm done Brendan. I'm done with empty words that you don't mean, I'm done trying, it's clear that you don't give a shit about me…" That's as far as he gets before he's slammed into the door by a hand at the base of his throat, there's a clear dread ringing through his veins that he's pushed too hard. But Brendan's mouth is on his tongue demanding entry, he keeps his mouth shut, rages against himself until Brendan growls and he gives in opens his mouth and rolls his tongue against his, Brendan groans, he loves that noise, it shoot thrills straight to his dick. He gives it straight back, hand curling into the back of Brendan's neck, pushing his body into his, then there's a hand on his chest and Brendan pulls away, looks him dead in the eye. The intensity is enough to knock the breath out of him.

"You're not done with me." Brendan breaths against his lips. It's almost a plea.

He shakes his head. No, he's not done.

Hand still against his chest Brendan traces his fingers the side of his face to his neck then kisses him again, gently, plays his tongue over his, pulls back a little and kisses his top lip, then the bottom, slow roll of lips, nudges his nose a little as he pulls back.

"I love you, believe it."

He wants to, wants to believe that Brendan feels like he does…

"Steven." The lips are back, gentle then rougher until he's pinned hard, stuck fast against the door, he tries pushing back but he can't match Brendan's physical strength that doesn't mean he won't keep trying. Brendan breaks the kiss and smiles a little against his lips, running his fingers along his jaw before stepping back.

He steps forward following like there's a string connecting them. He's gone from relieved to angry to scared to horny and angry quicker than should be possible but this thing between never had made much sense.

The pain in his ankle makes him stumble. Brendan's there, wrapping his arms around his waist and holding him steady.

Brendan dips his head down.

"Okay?"

He nods then sits on one of the chairs closet to him. Brendan sits next to him, thighs together, arm sling around the back of the chair.

"Can we…" Brendan starts then his phone is ringing. "Two seconds." He states and pulls the phone from his jean pocket. "Fuck." He mutters. "Anthony."

Mr Arthur. He can't help but tense.

Brendan stands and starts the pace a little.

"I thought that you had Fisher doing that." He states. Listens. "No, I realise that." He turns and looks at him, he drops his eyes to the floor. "If that's what you need. Fine." He picks up the closet chair and throws it across the room. The sound of it crashing into the room echo's around.

He swallows. Brendan temper unleashed. It sends shivers down his spine. Fear through his limbs. Adrenaline through his veins.

"He needs me to go to London to finalise a deal."

His head drops.

"Can't argue with your boss." He states being reasonable. There's no other choice. So this time he's not going to try, he's going anyway.

"A couple of days, a week, two tops." Brendan replies with a nervous energy.

"It's work." He sighs. "When do you go?"

"You're not asking me to stay?"

"Done that before and still got shafted so why bother?" He replies leaning back. "I should go check on Laura." He gets to his feet.

"I don't want to leave with things like this."

"You can't afford to piss Mr Arthur off." He shrugs hobbling to the door.

"I don't care about him. It's you…" He should care about Mr Arthur, he's got enough people that want him dead without adding him to the list.

"Go." He pulls the door open.

"Will you be here when I come back?"

"If you come back I'll be at home." He replies.

"I'm coming back."

"Fine. See you." Later sticks in his throat. As he shuts the door on him.

He doesn't go to Laura's room instead he goes into the toilets and locks the cubical door. He just needs some time alone to get himself pulled together. He's just let Brendan go it's a weight off his shoulders and a lead weight in his stomach.

He rubs his face and unlocks the cubical, running the cold tap and splashing his face.

He's back in limbo, he laughs to himself. It's almost comforting in a completely sick sort of way. He's lived in limbo for so long maybe it's all he knows now. He can't remember a time of complete certainty, he remembers the feeling, he'd let himself believe one too many times and it had all crashed down. Maybe limbo isn't so bad after all. He knows how to live with it.

He needs his life back.

When he gets to Laura's room Callum's asleep on the floor.

"I know, he's an idiot." She states. She sat up in bed with her laptop on the table across her lap. "Perfectly good bed in the hotel Dad booked."

"Don't be such a bitch." He snaps at her. It's out of his mouth before he can stop himself.

"Wow Brady found you alright."

"What's that mean?" He demands.

"You're fabulous mood."

"Nought to do with him." He replies and actually it isn't Brendan, well not entirely. It's her. "You should appreciate him more."

They've got the most fucked relationship he's ever seen, the games, the spiteful one up's an ship's, the lying, the manipulation, the arguing, the friends with benefits bollocks that's been going on for the best part of five years, using their dark to the point of pitch black pasts against each other at every turn. They're a disaster, they shouldn't work and yet they still manage to trust each other. It's not fair.

"Callum?"

"No Santa." He replies sarcastically. "He was dead worried."

"Ste." She sighs.

"No right you tell me to get my shit in order well I'm telling you. He loves you, would it be too much to ask for you not to give him shit all the fucking time?"

"Ste." Shit. Callum. "Look at you defending my virtue." He sounds amused rather than annoyed. And he realises it's a bit fucked to be defending a man who had made him strip naked at knife point and drugged him but… "We're going to lunch. Come on." He finds himself pushed out of the door. He shrugs Callum's arm off his back as soon as they're in the corridor and nearly falls on his arse. "You need you're crutches and some pain killers. Sit there and try not to start an argument with your own shadow."

He blows out a breath and tries to calm himself down.

Callum comes back with a set of crutches that aren't the ones that are in the Aston and a bottle of pain killers.

"Don't ask." Callum states as he hands them over.

Callum's nicked them then.

He adjusts the crutches. It's a relief to be off his ankle and pockets the pain killers for when he's got a drink.

"Brady upped and gone?" Callum asks once they're in the car and driving through the city.

"Mr Arthur wants him in London." He replies as he looks out the window.

"Want's him out of the way more like."

He shrugs. Whatever the reason.

"Do you want to go to a restaurant or do you just want some food?"

"Not fussed."

"Sandwiches it is." Callum decides. He pulls into a petrol station, tops up the Aston's tank and comes back with a bag. He drives around a bit then drops down to the canal. It's hammering it down with rain by the time they park. Callum hands his first pick of the sandwiches. He nicks the ham salad and a packet of crisps. He necks a mouthful of water before dropping a pain killer into his mouth and taking another drink.

"Why'd you bring me down here?"

"Good a place as any." Callum shrugs. "Thought getting out of there would be a good idea."

The sandwich is bland but edible, he realises he's actually hungry. He listens the rain bouncing off the windscreen. There's a claustrophobic atmosphere in the car which he's trying to ignore but there's energy under his skin.

"I gave Brendan your phone number." Callum states pushing his rubbish into the carrier bag. "Thought I should tell you in case he rings. You want his?"

"He can give it to me himself if he wants me to have it." He replies, sighing. "When can I go home?" Robert wanted them to stay out of the way and he's not looking to piss him off even if he's half tempted to get Callum to drive down right now.

"Tomorrow. Laura's discharging herself tomorrow morning."

"Isn't that too soon?"

"She says she can rest better in her own flat. That's all she's got to do really. Rest, recover, take pain killers and finish the antibiotics. The doctor wasn't too pleased and I'm not arguing that one with her…" He frowns at him. Callum loves arguing with her. "She won't say anything but it's because of Gina, her mother. Hospitals always reminder of those months she spent at her bedside watching her fade away… Anyway she's told Robert and he's alright with it. You want to go back to the hotel?"

"May as well."

As soon as he's inside the room he strips off his dirty clothes and runs himself a bath, he lies on the cotton sheets and flicks through the channels available on the TV. There's enough choice that he's not going to have to buy anything then again he's not paying…

He soaks in the bath until his skin is crinkly and the waters barely warm. Dries himself off and lies on the bed watching some random action film where the actor can barely get his lines out and the bad guys are so stereotypical it's laughable.

He wakes to a knock on his door. He's groggy as hell, he frowns at the sunshine coming through the windows.

"What?" He calls.

"Grab your stuff we're heading home." Callum replies.

Home. He leans over the bed looking for his phone. It's dead. He flicks onto another channel with the remote. 0650. He's slept the best part of eighteen hours.

Laura's waiting at the side of the hospital entrance, sitting on a bench. She's slow to get to the car and winces deeply as she gets into the back seat.

There isn't any conversation, just the stereo playing away as Callum drives just above the speed limit. It's almost considered careful by his standards.

The closer they get to home calmer he feels. The more in control.

It feels weird being back in Hollyoaks. Callum helps him get his bag inside and tells him he'll be staying at Laura's as the doctor had asked.

There's a nasty smell which he discovers is the milk which he hadn't chucked before they left, it was out of date for he left now it's rank. He grabs a bin bag and empties the fridge of everything that's out of date which isn't much because there's never much in his fridge. As soon as he's set a wash away and changed into fresh clothes he takes his time to get into the village.

"Ste." Jenny smiles brightly even though a second ago she had looked stressed out of her mind. They exchange a half hug before she's been called to a table.

It's busy, the lunch time rush. He can hear Tony before he can see him in the kitchen. It's not the right time to disturb him but he wants to tell him he's here.

"Alright?" He asks. Taking in the boiling pans, the heat, the smells, Harry working away. Tony checking tickets.

"Ste." Tony exclaims and smiles. "Glad you're back."

"Me to. I'll get myself a coffee." He hops, gives up on walking.

"Ankle not better?" Tony asks as he comes back with his coffee only using one crutch for balance and leans against the hatch.

"No, it getting there though. Couple of more days I'll be good as new."

"Not going to lie, the sooner the better." Tony replies. "Go grab yourself a seat. Can you have a look at the ordering for next week since I'm hoping you'll be back? I'll get Harry to bring them over."

He goes to the only empty table by the door. He looks around the bustling restaurant. God it's good to be back.

It's like everything that happened is a dream or a nightmare, whichever this feels real. This is his life, not hiding away from gangsters, not having guns around him, not seeing his friend stabbed. The rest of it just seems like a whirl wind of pain, hurt, confusion and a different world. Brendan's world. The world Brendan chose for himself, chose to get back into. It's not his world. He doesn't want anything to do with it. It's not exciting, it's dangerous and it's life or death and he doesn't want it.

"So glad you're back man. I've been dying on my arse." Harry says before being called back to the kitchen.

It's nice that he's been missed.

He has a look at the order book, checking the special's board for the weeks and cross checking with the previous week and generally submerging himself back into the kitchen. He finds it a little weird realising he can read the entire of what's been made just from looking at the order book but then he'd been making the orders for so long it shouldn't have surprised him. He checks the covers and it's been holding steady.

By the time he's drank his coffee and challenged himself to work out a couple of other specials it's almost like he hasn't been away.

"Do you want to tell me what's been going on?" Tony asks slipping into the seat opposite. He looks around the tables and realises that the rush has lulled.

"Bit of trouble I needed to get away for a few days but it's sorted now." He replies firmly. He doesn't want to talk about it yet. He's not sure he can. "I'm sorry…"

"You don't need to apologise Ste, you were in a car crash, you can't work on that ankle even if you wanted to at the moment. Why don't you go home? Put your foot up."

He doesn't want to. He wants to work.

"How about I run the pass at SALLT? Give Marc a couple of shifts off."

"Will you manage? Crutches in the kitchen is a health and safety nightmare."

"It's not going to be like a weekend. I don't have to be at the stoves. Just keep control of the tickets, do the cold stuff, starters. We get a rush on I can help out properly."

"If you're ankle isn't right…"

"It's fine." It's not but he can cope with it. "I just want to get back in the kitchen."

"Fine enough to work here?"

He chose SALLT because there would be at least two other's in the kitchen with him that could do the plates without him. At Ill Nosh he would have to be more hands on.

"Rather be at SALLT but wherever."

"Alright. SALLT it is then. Marc working a double tomorrow, he can have the day off. See how you feel then alter the rota. I wouldn't mind a few mornings off. Thursday and Friday?"

"Fine." Breakfast wasn't a problem.

"Don't push yourself too hard." Tony stated.

"I want to work."

"Ste if there's something wrong you know you can tell me."

"Nothing's wrong. I've just had enough of doing nothing."

"Alright. But I'm here and if you're struggling with your ankle let me know and we'll work on the rota."

"I'll be fine." He needs to be fine because he is not sitting around the flat waiting for his ankle to get better. He needs to be occupied and working is the best routine he knows. Being surrounded by people and working to achieve something. He needs it otherwise he's going to have too much time to think.


	66. Chapter 66

Two chapters in a day to make up for complete lack of updates.

Just getting Ste back into his life again...

* * *

He gets into SALLT early, earlier than he really needs to but he couldn't wait. He familiarises himself with the special's board over a coffee and checks the bookings. It's pretty steady for booking for the evening.

Sam arrives first.

"It's good to have you back Mr… Ste." She falters then smiles. "It hasn't been the same without you."

"Glad to be missed."

"Believe me you were." Michael states walking in the door behind her, followed by Lyndsay. "Another full day of Marc and I would have quit."

"Bollocks." Lyndsay rolls her eyes. "You wouldn't have quit."

"I'd have gone on strike."

"Liar. Sure you should be back boss?" She gestures to his crutches. Dropping her bag to the floor and leaning against the table across from him.

"Who cares? He's back and that means we won't be remaking every other table."

He frowns and wonders what he's missing.

"Marc's being fucking up the tickets all week." Michael states before disappearing into the back to get changed.

"What's been going on?" He asks not really caring who answers. He'd rather talk to Sam about it in privet but since they all seem to have an opinion he's not bothered as long as he gets to know.

"Michael's being dramatic. Marc got a couple of tables mixed up." Sam says with her usual diplomacy.

"Try three to five in every service since Wednesday." Lyndsay states. "And he's been necking vodka at a rate of knots. Pretending it's water but he was staggering when he left last night."

"Tony know?" He asks.

"Tony's been at Ill Nosh pretty much all week." Lyndsay replies picking up her bag as Michael returns changed into his whites.

Vic and Richard come through the door.

"Ah loves young dream." Michael pretends to swoon. Richard gives him the finger.

He's missed that as well. Vic and Richard getting together.

"I go away for a week I come back and it's all change."

"I'm still the same boss." Michael smiles brightly.

"More's the pity." Richard mutters.

"Come on then let's get the prep done." He's not sure how it's going to work with the crutches but the kitchen is pretty big and when they're prepping there isn't much running around so it should be fine.

He gets himself changed in the back. As soon as his whites are on he makes his way into the kitchen. Lyndsay's already gutting fish, Michael on with making the beef and red wine pies, Vic is clearing down the KP area and putting everything in order.

There's a load of veg in blue trays, a cutting board, a series of pans and knife laid out for him. They've already decided what he's prepping but then that was the deal, first in the kitchen gets to pick, the boss, himself or Tony gets what the others don't want. He's not sure how it works with Marc.

He finds leans his crutches against the pass at the side out of the way and half hops to the bench.

"Vic, spuds aren't going to peel themselves." Michael calls. "Can we have some music boss?"

"None of that Metal crap eh it's too early." He replies and Michael pouts a bit.

"Tony said you were up in the Lakes. Lush up there. Me and my brother go up there every year and hike loads of trails." Michael states. "He's in France running adventure courses in the Alps at the minuet."

"Well I didn't do much walking." He replies.

"Nah suppose not." Michael says. "Still nice though."

He doesn't want to think about it but gets the flash of the Valley view anyway. He focuses on the lettuce in front of him instead before anything else can spring to mind. Like Brendan's face when he was giving him a blow job or the feel of him pushing inside of him for the first time in so long on the beach.

He pushes his weight through his ankle to snap himself out of it.

He manages to get through prepping without too much trouble from his ankle and that's a relief.

It's a pretty easy lunch service, nice and even spread of tables and he spend most of it leaning against the pass checking the quality and calling orders.

"Ste." Connor practically beams when he enters the kitchen to work the evening service. It's still a little weird to see him in whites. "This is Alex, Tony's giving him a trail as a barman in Stellarto." Nice to be told although Callum had been preoccupied and Tony had been busy so it's a little unfair to be too put out about it especially when he doesn't really get involved in the hiring.

He looks over his shoulder and is greeted by a well-built, tall, brown haired, browned eyes, well put together man who looks around his age if not a little older. Hot, undoubtedly and a little familiar.

He tried to wrack his brain quickly as to where he'd seen him before.

"This is your other boss." Connor adds.

"Nice to meet you." Alex smiles, holds out his hand and Ste shakes it.

"You too." He replies and he can't help but try to think how and where he met him before.

"Sorry I'm late." Jess enters looking flustered.

"I better get on." Alex disappeared out the side door into Stellarto.

Jess got herself changed came back and kissed him on the cheek and welcoming him back.

He had to get onto the hot plate as Connor floundered on starters and Lyndsay had to help him out before they got too back up. He left his crutches at the pass. He hobbled and everyone was careful around him not to catch him. He hadn't asked but it was like they had all made a conscience effort. Once they were back on track he let Lyndsay take back over.

"I'm sorry." Connor kept apologising.

"Don't worry about it. We all go through this." He tried to reassure him. "It's a big shift from KP to commie. Just stick in and if you need help just ask yeah. No one's going to shout at you for asking for help."

Connor nods and gets back on.

By the time they've finished all the mains his ankle is throbbing and he has to ask Jess to get one of the Stellarto stools brought through so he can sit. He still manages to help Julie with the garnishes for the deserts even sat down feeling like a prat for not even being able to make it all the way through.

"We'll clear down." Lyndsay stated.

"It's fine. I'll help." He grits out between clenched teeth as he stands again.

"Ste." Sam states from the other side of the pass in the most commanding tone he's heard from her. "Sit there and do the cutlery if you must." She then seems to shrink back. "Sorry Mr Hay it's just that we know that you're ankle is hurting, there's no need for you to push yourself so hard."

He thinks about arguing but he really doesn't want to stand and clean down.

"Alright. Vic." He concedes the point and smiles a little at Sam to reassure her that he's not going to fire her. Vic brings the cutlery out and he sits while Julie stands next to him polishing the steel. Vic, Connor then Lyndsay join them and it's finished pretty quickly. Julie taking the clean stuff out to Sam to lay the tables, coming back for another bucket before excusing herself to help Sam.

Jess finishes off the last of the Stellarto orders and clears her section down, dropping down and checking the fridges with a notebook in hand.

He goes into the back and gets changed coming back the others are finishing off cleaning the bench they were using and Vic is brushes the floor.

He sits himself down again and waits for them to finish up, one by one they disappear into the back until it's just himself, Vic who is mopping and Jess.

"Can I talk to you?" Jess asks.

He nods.

"I don't know if it's been mentioned but Marc's not had a good week."

"Yeah it's been said." He replies.

Jess loosens up a bit.

"I don't think he can cope working the hours. I think the stress is getting to him… Look I've been doing the ordering. He had enough on so I've just done it when I did Stellarto's. I know I should have told Tony but he wasn't really here and when he was he was just as stressed so I just did it. I'm not trying to get his job." He frowns because he hadn't thought that. "It's just what Michael said when I mentioned the Stock needed doing the other day… But I think the drinking is why he left his last job. You know the stress of running a massive kitchen, loads of chef's get a booze problem not to mention ulcers." He knows, it's never been a problem for him or anyone he's worked with because he's never been in a massive kitchen that work to the standard Marc did. "He hasn't been here long maybe he'd fallen into bad habits."

"It was dropped on him. Thanks Jess you know for helping him out." He states. "Since you've been doing the ordering how about tomorrow you and me have a sit down and have a look at next week."

"So you're in again tomorrow?"

"Yeah." He states, waving her off as she leaves and picks up his phone to ring Tony and change the shifts. He'll take Tony's lunch shift at SALLT, get the stock done and get the ordering squared up not that he doesn't trust Jess it's just he wants to make sure.

Tony tells him that Marc was asking for the rest of the week off anyway which is not what he had in mind. He'd learnt his lesson today there was no way he could stand up for two shifts back to back his ankle just wasn't up to it. But Marc wanted the time off and he had bailed them out so he agreed.

"Ste I need to order some wine." Ravi states entering the kitchen. "Callum's not in tomorrow and we need a restock."

"You rang him?" He asks because he knows fuck all about ordering the wines.

"I didn't want to disturb him." Ravi winces. "And I knew you were in. I know what I need I just can't order it."

"Write a list." He replies. "I put it in tomorrow."

"Thanks. Oh it's nice to see you back." Ravi smiles.

He leans on his elbows.

Sam comes into the kitchen with her bag.

"All done." She states.

"You alright?" He asks she looks tired.

"Yeah. Tired but that's how it goes isn't it? I told him… about the baby." He had wondered but he didn't want to ask her, it was personal and none of his business if she didn't want to tell him.

"What did he say?" His phone rings, he declines the call without looking he'll ring them later. "Sorry go on."

"That he'll support me and the baby but he doesn't want a relationship but it's better than nothing isn't it? He didn't run away screaming. We sat down and talked it out."

"Good." He smiles a little. He's pleased that the bloke has decided to do the right thing by her.

"I just thought you should know."

"Well thank you. Hey any time you want to talk."

"You too." She says. "You know…"

"Thanks Sam." He smiles.

"You get to the door, I'll do the lights." She replies.

He locks up behind them. He rings for a taxi since he's not using public transport until his ankle is better. He doesn't want to risk knocking it and crutches are difficult enough without the small gap between seats to negotiate.

He stands leans against the wall waiting for the taxi to turn up. He glances into Stellarto and see's Ravi and Alex working the bar talking to customers.

He still can't place Alex. He closes his eyes and leans his head back. It had to be a while ago otherwise… Fuck. He knows where he's met Alex before. He knows why he knows him but doesn't know him well. Alex was one of his random fucks or rather Alex had fucked him, three times as he recalled correctly. One of the ones he had actually made it out of the club with because it had been good enough for another go.

He shakes his head. It's happened before, he's seen blokes he had been with a few times before and there was never a problem. Alex had been cool enough with him. Of course it was different when he was now his boss, he wonders if Alex even remembers him. Properly not. They had both been high.

His phone is ringing again. He switches it off as the taxi pulls up.


	67. Chapter 67

Thank you for your reviews.

Reassurance: There will be no Ste/Alex, I haven't written him in for that. There are two other reasons.

* * *

He's barely managing to get through two shifts in a day, he spends most of the second shift of the day on a stool, the move up to three has his ankle feeling three times the size, stiff to the point of barely being able to move it after he's sat down for a more than five minutes. He dreads putting his foot down for the first time. The pain shooting up his leg has him biting his lip and forcing himself to breathe through it.

He has to take pain killers every couple of hours to just make it bearable. It's swollen up so badly he can barely manage to get his trainer on never mind fasten it.

He's tried icing it every night, icing it during the day with his foot raised up for half an hour between services but it's not working. It takes pressure better than it had been once he's got through the pain but the swelling is a problem and he's not off his feet long enough to get it down.

He just wants it back to normal so it's not holding up his day and acting as a constant reminder of what Dean tried to do to him and Brendan…

He's not giving himself time to think about him or them or… Any of it. It's too fucked up and too much of a headache, heartache to get into so he does what he knows works and loses himself in his businesses. Works unhealthy hours and enjoys being useful and being in control of something.

He lets Harry run the kitchen at Ill Nosh in the mornings he's in while he sits at one the tables running through specials against the order book at the closet table in case he needs him but he's coping well enough. Sink or swim and he seems to be swimming now.

He doesn't need to work on the specials, but it's something to do and when the special's do need doing he'll have six dishes that can go straight up. He makes notes of dishes he wants to try, combinations of favours that he knows work. Fantasy dishes, if money were no problem, if they could charge what they wanted.

Maggie has already opened SALLT by the time the taxi drops him off. Jay and Michael are already prepping and Tommy is shelling prawns. It's almost like they don't need him at all but that the way it should be. The kitchen should be able to prep without him, they should all know what needs doing without being asked, when the specials and the menu are set out.

"Ste." Maggie knocks on the door of the back room as he just finishing getting changed.

"Yeah. I'm decent." He replies and she opens the door.

"I've got this friend, she's about to start Uni and she was wondering if there were any shifts going." They would be looking for another waiter or two when Uni started again. Richard and Julie would be reducing their shifts or at least messing around the rota so a few casual waiters working the odd shift here and there would be helpful if only so swapping on the rota didn't become a massive problem.

Ill Nosh was fine because there were always students in the village looking for part time work and they seemed to have the same students back time and time again until they were finished and then someone else would come knocking just when they started thinking about advertising.

"She worked in a restaurant before?" He asks.

"She's worked in a pub before but she hasn't really done much waiting work." Maggie replies.

"We could offer her a trial see if she likes it? Might not be many shifts on offer though."

"I'll let her know. Any particular day for the trial?"

"Saturday lunch service if she can make it." Saturday is a busy day, there's no point trialling anyone when it's quiet, he's learnt that one because it's how they manage when it's busy that really matters.

"Yeah. Thanks." Maggie smiles brightly and shuts the door.

He leans against the wall.

End of the tourist/summer season, into the long run up to Christmas, he had no idea how they would fair. Ill Nosh had the customers all year round. For SALLT it would be the first time operating outside the tourist season. Tony and he need a sit down meeting on that to work out how they were going to keep pulling in customers. He knew they were doing well but there was always the chance that it could go tits up when the cash from the tourist dried up. Lunch was mostly tourists…

Jay and Michael went back to catering collage part time and would have to spend time at other restaurants for experience. Connor had enrolled himself on a catering course because he wanted qualifications to back up what he was going to be learning. Tommy and Vic would be back at University. All in all the kitchen staffing wasn't a problem because it reduced it's self down, they wouldn't have to be worrying about reducing people's hours.

He blew out a breath. He hated that side of the business. Balancing the books when it went quiet.

He helps finishing the prep up although there barely anything left to do. Jay really does make all the difference. The competitive edge that Michael has with Jay means that he keeps his head down a lot more that he does with Lyndsay working alongside him. It doesn't matter to him, the prep still gets done on time either way.

"Order up." Maggie says and it's back into running the pass. There are more Stellarto orders than usual but it's all simple stuff that they incorporate as normal.

It's a straight forward service that drags on and on as it quietens right down to the point that he starts to think about clearing down then there's another table, and another. It gets late enough that he gets Michael to start the prep anyway. He gets him to do some roasted peppers for Jess as well as some caramelised onions just to help her out.

Callum comes in just after four. It's the first time he's seen him since he'd dropped him off at the flat. He's got heavy stubble on his face which is barely covering the cut on his jaw. The bruises have faded down. He has a new cast on his hand.

"How's Laura?" He asks. They'd had a few text conversations but he hadn't gone round to hers, he hadn't wanted to disturb her at least that's his story and he's sticking to it.

"Healing up, mostly bored." Callum replies. "Wondering how you are really coping." With everything the tone implies but Callum won't drag his personal life through the kitchen so he's not going to be direct.

"I'm fine." He replies.

"That's what she said you'd say." Callum nods to his crutches. "Ankle holding up?"

"Could be better."

"Yeah I bet." Callum replies. "Well I've got a new barman to put through his paces…"

"See you later."

That's the other thing about going to see Laura, he'd be reminded about the Barnet's, about the nightmare that had been that day. He wants to see her but he doesn't want to see her lying on the sofa because of what happened. But mainly and with Brendan at the hospital… The unfinished conversation, argument. Laura would know, there's no way that Brendan wouldn't come up in conversation.

He wants to ask Callum if he'd heard anything but at the same time he doesn't which was stupid because he would rather know than not. But if Callum knows and Brendan didn't bother to tell him… He slams his knife onto the board which shocks the others but he keeps his focus on what he's doing.

What is he meant to do?

He could get Brendan's number off Callum and he could ring him but he doesn't want to have a serious conversation on the phone where he can't see Brendan's reactions. He doesn't want to ring and pretend everything is fine either because it's not. He doesn't know what he wants, well he knows what he wants but he doesn't know if it's possible or if it'll work or if it's even worth trying to ask for what he wants if he knows it might not be possible. Just because he loves Brendan and Brendan says he loves him doesn't mean anything really, not in the everyday.

He doesn't even know if what Brendan said in the Lakes even matters because he said all that then left to get himself into serious trouble… And that's a whole other issue that he doesn't want to deal with because he's not sure how to. He doesn't know what he can do about that, if there's anything he can do. If Brendan wants to die what the hell can he do about it? Nothing. Because Brendan will do whatever he wants.

He steps out of the kitchen and into the back room to give himself a few minutes break before he cuts his fingers off.

He needs a drink… He grits his teeth at himself. He's not doing it. He's not going to leave in the middle of service to get drunk because it's not going to do anything except make him feel better for a few hours, and he would take that right now but people are relying on him. He's not letting them down.

He can't do anything about Brendan but he can run the kitchen and he business' so that's what he's going to keep doing.

He takes a deep breath and heads back in.

He makes it through most of the service without needing a stool until he just has to admit defeat and sit down. He does the cutlery again because he's just going to be in the way if he even tries to clear up.

He gathers his crutches goes into the back to get changed when it's nearly finished the prospect of getting his ankle up is stopping him hanging around. There's a knock on the door.

"Two seconds." He replies pulling his jeans up.

The door swings open anyway, he properly hadn't called loudly enough, it's happened before. He's fairly sure that everyone in the kitchen has seen each other in various states of undress since the place opened. There was talk of a lock for a while but it no one was that bothered really. Anyone that was leant against the door. He wasn't bothered.

"Oh sorry." Alex says and goes to pull the door not without a glance that reads that he's checking him out.

"Not like you haven't seen it all before is it?" He states. He's too tired for awkwardness. He just wants it out of the way. Yes, he remembers him and yes, he is well aware that they've fucked. "What is it?"

"Callum was wondering if he could have a word before you left." He can see the confidence that properly attracted him to Alex in the club. There's no stuttering, no awkwardness, no blushing.

"Okay." He replies reaching for his t-shirt.

"I didn't know if you recognised me." Alex states pulling the door too a little.

"Well I do. Not a problem is it?"

"What shagging my boss before you were my boss? Not for me."

"Good." He replies. Sorted.

There's a pause.

"If you wanted to go for a drink some time…" Alex says.

Not sorted. He really doesn't need this then again he doesn't want to make things awkward. It was his fault for bringing it up.

"Possibly not the best idea yeah."

"I get it. You don't fuck around people who work for you. No problem. Shame but…" Alex shrugs. "I'll let Callum know you're on your way."

Callum wants to talk about giving Alex the full time job. Tatiana is one of the students dropping down her shifts which would only leave Callum with Ravi to run the bar. Jess in the kitchen.

"He's good. Knows his stuff, he's worked in bars all over the country. London, Leeds, Newcastle, Liverpool. And the women love him, never mind the men. He is a very good looking man." Callum and his straight but not straight appreciation of men.

"Who you employ for in here is up to you." As long as he runs it past him and Tony.

"Good." Callum states. "Have you heard from Brady?"

He shakes his head.

"Did you talk to Tony about signing my share over to Laura?"

"No." He didn't think they needed to do that now.

"Just because Robert has a hold on Ronnie doesn't mean he's done, Fred and Rick may not be back yet but they will be so I'd rather have it sorted ASAP."

"I thought it was over." He hoped it was.

"It should be but I'd rather not take the chance."

"Okay, I'll talk to him tomorrow." He finishes up his vodka and orange and rings for a taxi before heading back in to check everything is finished for the day. Sam is sitting waiting for him.

"Sorry." He didn't mean to hold her up. "Could you open up tomorrow? I'll be in a bit late. Can you tell Lyndsay to just do the prep and run the pass until I get in. I won't be too late." He sends a text to Tony asking him to come in to Ill Nosh a bit early so they can talk before he goes to SALLT.

"No problem." Sam replies and switches off the lights and does the alarm while he waits outside.

Tony has questions that he can't just brush off. He's half tempted to tell him the truth. Tony deserves the truth but it's too fucked up and he's not ready to go through it all with a fine tooth comb like Tony would want him to do. He doesn't even have all the answers to all the angles. He decides on a plausible alternative that isn't massively off the truth. He says that Callum is worried about some men from his past when he worked at Cobra possibly looking for money from him and he doesn't want that to effect the business.

Tony isn't happy but he agrees to get the papers drawn up anyway. It's not like it changes anything. Callum's still manager, still the licensee just he's selling his share to Laura who wants no say in the running.

When he gets into SALLT he's barely half an hour late and there are people already in, quite a few more than were normal. Lyndsay looks a little ragged but calm enough and Connor is listening intently.

He was pleased it was those two together because there was absolutely no room for argument, Lyndsay was the most experienced. She still looks like she could use a hand.

His phone is ringing in his pocket, he looks at the screen, unknown number, same as the one from a couple of days ago which he had forgotten about as soon as he had cleared the screen. He frowns and answers as he tries to get changed.

"Hello?"

"Steven." Brendan. It's a relief that he's alright. "Are you alright?" It's not a good time for a long conversation and he knows they need one but Brendan's timing couldn't be worse he needs to get into the kitchen.

"Yeah but I'm busy." He replies jamming the phone to his collarbone as he fastens the buttons.

"You're working?"

"Yeah. What else would I be doing?" He asks. "Look I've really got to get on was there something you wanted?"

"No... No, just wanted to make sure you're alright."

"I'm fine." He replies. There's a knock on the door, he pulls it open.

"Lyndsay is asking for you." Connor states.

"I'll be there in a second." He replies and Connor rushes off. "Look Brendan I've really got to go."

"Yeah… Yeah. Bye Steven." Brendan hangs up.

He leaves his crutches in the back room, he can't be arsed with them and heads into the kitchen where Lyndsay is getting buried by hot starters and needs another pair of hands to get them out, experienced hands that won't burn them. Connor's still learning and he's good but under pressure when it really matters he gets why Lyndsay would rather have him. He drops alongside her and Connor sticks to doing to soup and warming the bread.

As soon as that rush is over, a table of six and another of eight come in, so he stays on the stove and gives the starters and the mains a big push so they don't get backed up, after an hour it's slowed down so he can step off by which time he has to take another pain killer. The bottles nearly empty which shocks him a bit he hadn't realised how many he had taken so quickly.

"Ste you're phone ringing." Jess says bringing it through as he's in the middle of getting everything set for service.

"Hello?" He jams it into his collar bone so he can keep chopping onions.

"Steven are you busy?" Brendan again. Twice in one day. He frowns.

"Yeah actually. What is it?"

There's a pause.

"I'm going to be stuck down here a couple of more days."

"You said two weeks." He replies. He wasn't expecting sooner. He was trying not to think about it.

"Thought you'd want to know."

He frowns.

"Why?" He doesn't mean it the way he says it. But Brendan will turn up or not, he's never needed to tell him when they were together before or even when they weren't, in fact he used to leave him with no information at all except where he was going. Radio silence was the norm.

"No reason." Brendan replies but he can read it in his voice that there's more to it than that.

"I'll see you when you get back." If he comes back he reminds himself.

"Maybe we could go out for dinner or something?" Brendan asks.

He frowns. Brendan wants to make plans with him. He wonders if it's even safe for Brendan to come back… Brendan properly didn't give a shit. He'd be waiting for the next pot shot from the Barnet's with open arms anyway. The anger spikes in his gut.

"Ste, the bookings." Sam states and puts it down in front of him which calms him. He hadn't looked all day. He glanced at the book. Except for two fives and a six there wasn't much else on but it was better to know that than to get taken by surprise.

"Depends on work." He's got half and eye on the timings which are going to be fine from what he can see. There's not a lot of worry about.

"I'll see you when I get back then." Brendan is hesitant.

"Yeah. See you." He ends the call. "That's fine Sam." Shit, he realises how that must have sounded to Brendan when he got distracted. Like he didn't care if they saw each other or not… He wants to see him but at the same time he doesn't want to deal with all the shit between them either.

The knife slips as he loses concentration even though he's still chopping. He knows better. It slices into his index finger, pretty deep but then the knife was sharp. It didn't hurt except for the onion juice that's getting into it.

"Fucks sake." He hobbles heavily as he makes his way to the sink and runs his finger under the tap.

"I'll get the first aid kit." Sam says already on her way to the wall where it's kept.

It's a nick but the angle makes it bleed and bleed. It's a V shape on his index finger.

"It could do with a stitch or two I think." Sam says as she looks at it. There's a flap of skin hanging loose.

"Fuck that." He's not going to hospital for a couple of stitches on a wound that isn't even that bad. It'll scar properly not that it's going to make any difference. He cut himself loads of times over the years.

He grabs a couple of plasters out of the box, it's still bleeding so he uses a bigger plaster to cover it and wraps two smaller ones around it then a plain sticky length to wrap around it to hold it in place so he can work without it slipping all the time.

He puts himself on the stove so he's busier. He makes himself focus on what he's doing. Loses himself in the orders and everything else around him.

"Hello stranger." Laura's leaning against the pass while Sam glares at her for being in the way even though she's not. She comes around the side anyway.

"Aren't you on bed rest?"

"My nurse maid has released me, declared me fit for public consumption."

"You snuck out."

"Yep." She smiles. She looks almost normal except she's holding her arm in an unnatural way to protect the wound. He doesn't even know if she knows she's doing it.

He's sat helping plate up deserts.

"I was about to have myself sectioned so I thought I'd come and see you." She's in a very good mood.

"And give Callum two middle fingers at the same time." He replies. That's why she's here. There's no way that she isn't going next door.

"I wouldn't do that." She says with mock outrage. He gives her a look which she smiles at. "I was wondering if you would like a couple of drinks next door when you're finished?"

"I'm knackered." He replies.

"I'm paying." She states.

"Fine alright." She made the effort to come and see him, the least he can do is have a couple of drinks. "I'll meet you next door."

He looks around, everyone is clearing down… He may as well go next door. He asks Sam to lock up and gets himself changed.

Laura's sat at a table in the back left hand corner, with two drinks in front of her. He eases through the customers, his crutches getting in the way. He hates the looks as people stand aside and apologise for being in his way.

"You really shouldn't be working." Laura states.

"You really shouldn't be out of your flat." He replies.

"Well here's to doing what's necessary for our mental health." She raises her glass and chinks it with his.

"How are you?" He asks and takes a mouthful of what must be a double vodka and coke, he would have preferred a beer.

"Alright. I'm down to a couple of pain killers. I've got a lecture on Monday, I think I'll be back at the clinic by Wednesday. Karl's had a bit of a turn around on being a prick about me being off so there's no real need to rush except I'll go mad in that flat if I'm not back at work. I finished the paper I was writing for the past three months in two days amazing what you can get done when daytime TV is the only other option. How about you?"

"Alright." He replies.

She nods like she doesn't believe him.

"Brady called?"

"Yes, today."

"Did you tell him that he owes me for writing off my rental and putting my insurance through the roof?" She asks. She had sent him a text along those lines.

"I was busy when he called."

"And?"

"And what?" He sighs.

"If you don't want to talk about him then just say."

"I don't want to talk about him." He states firmly.

"Fine." She says evenly. "What about the barman that keeps looking at you like he'd like to fuck you blind?"

Of course she fucking clocked it. Too much to ask that she'd miss that. Although he isn't looking he knows now that Alex is looking at him.

"Who is he?" She asks.

"Alex." He states trying not to give anything away.

"Tall… Dark… Fit…" She glances towards the bar. She watching Alex and he refuses to look. "I'd say that he's typical Ste Hay cannon fodder."

He scowls a little and immediately regrets it because he knows that he's given himself away.

"Yes, we've fucked." He's going to be able to lie his way out of it, he doesn't even want to bother, she'll know anyway. It's not like it meant anything.

"Got to appreciate your taste in men." Laura smiles. "Oh don't look so mortified. He's gorgeous. Bet he was good in bed too, the way he moves, he's obviously tactile..."

"Will you fucking shut up?"

"I'm just teasing."

"Well don't."

"Alright." She holds her hands up in surrender. "Sorry."

He takes a deep drink feeling the vodka loosening him up a bit. He sighs. Then downs the rest.

"Bad week?" She raises her eyebrows at him.

"Could say that. Want another?"

Laura gestures and he glances over his shoulder. Callum nods. He brings the drinks over to them. He doesn't look happy that she's drinking but he isn't refusing to serve her either.

She tells him about her new rental, another BMW, she was considering a Porsche or an Evo but with the insurance hike she didn't see the point in spending more money than necessary on an even flashier car.

Callum drops next to him when Laura's gone to the toilet.

"We need to keep an eye on her with those pain killers." He states seriously. "She might get the taste for them."

"She won't do anything stupid." Although she's a drug addict who admits to taking anything and everything and had a relapse a few months ago.

"She's her own worst enemy Ste it's nothing to do with being stupid. What she did to herself after Sean... Not that he was worth it."

"You didn't like him?" It's a stupid question but he hasn't heard anything from Callum on Sean before and he's curious about it. Laura was going to marry Sean and she won't even move in with Callum.

"I hated him… She left me for him of course I hated him… I hated her more." Callum states seriously. "Sean never knew the real Laura, he got the soft side... She became a junkie and nearly killed herself because of the guilt she felt for the death of a man who didn't even really know her."

"Sure about that?" He hadn't seen her come back and Callum looks like he would happily disappear for two seconds before relaxing his shoulders.

"Yes." Callum replies without looking at her.

"Ste would you like to share a taxi?" She asks her tone is neutral, she doesn't look angry either.

"Yeah." He agrees quickly grabbing his bag and his crutches.

Callum puts his head in his hands, looks up at him with a bitter smile.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He wants to get out of there.

He checks that SALLT is locked up through habit and as a distraction as he waits for the taxi to come. Laura stands leaning against the wall and her head down.

"What got him on about Sean?" She asks evenly.

"Callum was worried about the pain killers."

She nods and sighs heavily.

He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't think there's anything for him to say. He's half expecting Callum to follow them out but he can see he's back behind the bar.

"You get the taxi I'm going on a walk."

"You sure?" He'd rather she went home but she's walking away quickly, quick enough to that's clear she doesn't want company.

"See you later." She calls over her shoulder.

* * *

The return of Brendan is in next chapter...

Section 6 is a very long section as I've already said.

While it's already sort of plotted out, the key things that are going to happen, there was mention when I wrote Ste being so nasty (whether you thought it was justified or not) to Cheryl that there was hope of getting their friendship back or at least hearing Cheryl's side of the story... It'll be a while off but I'd rather know early so I can work it in... Would you like me to include that yes or no?


	68. Chapter 68

Thank you for reviewing and reading...

* * *

He wakes up late on Sunday, the Saturday night service had been manic, he'd spent the majority of the night on the line with the quick turnaround they'd needed to keep the orders flowing not allowing him to sit until well after half eleven. He'd barely been able to hobble to the cab by the time he had locked up his ankle was that sore.

He sits in the flat with his foot up on the sofa looking around at the peeling wall paper from the damp in the walls. Thinks of the boiler which keeps fucking up, the shower that barely works, the cupboards that are falling apart, even the fucking toasters stuck on high so that if he takes his eyes off it to get the kettle to work it burns the bread black in a blink of an eye, there's barely anything that works like it's meant to. The fridge which is empty. The cooker which he never uses and the washer which he had bought because the last one had given up the ghost.

What the fuck is he still doing here?

He's never there. He hasn't got time to fix it up. He doesn't even want to.

It's been his home for years but it's not a home, it hasn't been for a long time, it's a rotting shell.

He knows that because he's never there for anything length of time he's convinced himself that he doesn't care but honestly? The place is a shit hole. It always has been.

He'd stayed because of memories, convenience and hope.

Memories of his kids who he sees less than he wants but why would they want to stay with him? Leah hates the shower, hates the smell from the damp. Lucas hates the fact he can't plug in his computer and run video's through the TV because the sockets aren't all working. They may have friends to see but honestly if he was them he wouldn't want to be making the effort to stay over. He always takes them out anyway. He doesn't even want to be there when they're down.

Memories of Brendan living with him which have passed now. He doesn't need them to rely on. Brendan's not here right now but he knows where he is, he's seen him since their time together here. He doesn't need to live there to have those memories.

Convenience because it's a hassle to move.

Hope that he doesn't need because Brendan is out. He isn't in prison and he knows where to find him now. He doesn't need to be at the flat for Brendan to find him if he wants to…

He wants to move.

He wants a nice place to live where it doesn't just feel like survival. Where it actually feels like living. Where he can make a home for himself. The kind of home he wants.

He's got the money to put a deposit down on a house if he wants… That's a scary thought… He could get a mortgage… It always seemed like something he'd never be able to have. Something for other people, not him.

He grabs his laptop and starts searching… There are any number of flats and houses. He doesn't really know what he's looking for, he's not sure what kind of home he wants… He doesn't need a mansion, he doesn't need six bedrooms and a fireplace.

He does need a spare bedroom, maybe two for when Leah and Lucas do actually want to stay, he could always get a sofa bed in the living room… They aren't going to be down a lot however much he wishes he could kid himself that it would be true but they're getting to the stage where it's all mates and parties and better things to do…

As he searches through he gets more and more of an idea of what he doesn't want.

It takes all afternoon but he finally finds a few worth going to see and short lists them... A nice mid-range flat in Chester. And two flats that he's already seen because they belong to Tony. A small house on the edge of the village with two bedrooms which needs a tonne of work but it's cheap enough, it's within walking distance of Ill Nosh…

He doesn't need to be within walking distance, he can drive Jamie helped him pass his test, he could get himself a car… He had been using Jamie's and there had never been a need for two… Then he thinks of all the bills that came along with it, all the parts that Jamie had forked out for and since he had been able to fix it himself the labour wasn't included… He can get by without one for now…

He looks around. A home first.

He saves all the details he needs in his phone so he can arrange to go and see them between shifts during the week.

He lies in front of the TV and lets it lull him to sleep.

He wakes to his alarm blaring at him, he almost falls of the sofa reaching for it. He's still half asleep as he gets to Ill Nosh to open up.

It's unusually busy early but he has control of it, Harry arrives on time and they get past the rush.

"You eating?" Laura asks leaning against the hatch. She looks tired and her arm is held in the protective stance in at her ribs.

"Yeah why?" Although actually now that she mentions it he can't remember the last time he sat down to eat a proper meal… Possibly the Lakes. He's been picking while he's been working but he hasn't been hungry so he hasn't been bothered to make himself anything substantial...

"You've lost a bit of weight." She states before wondering through to the coffee machine, she holds up her money to Lori who nods and she leaves it on the till.

He doesn't think he's lost any weight, although now she mentions it his whites are a bit baggier than they were before they'd had to go away.

"You should look after yourself better." She states as she goes over to their table and sets her laptop up. Considering she had gotten herself stabbed a few days ago he can't help but want to tell her she's a hypocrite for pulling him on not looking after himself.

He watches her for a few minuets. She seems off.

It's quietened down enough that he can leave Harry to get on.

"Callum let you out this time?" He asks sitting down with a coffee. She flinches ever so slightly when he says Callum.

He hasn't heard anything from her or Callum since Friday night when she had gone on her walk. Callum had been at Stellarto Saturday night but he hadn't had chance to talk to him.

"I'm going to a lecture in two hours I need to get this done." She states evenly giving nothing away. Which he knows means that things aren't right between them.

"So you two haven't made up?" She hadn't been angry, she hadn't argued with Callum but still there was the makings of a pretty spectacular argument there from the look that had been on Callum's face.

"And what is there to make up?" She shrugs. "Not like we're actually together."

Back on the friends with benefits, using each other shit then.

"Don't be difficult."

"I'm not." She replies. "Right take yourself back to when you were nineteen, or twenty and look at these. Would they hold your attention?" She turns the laptop around to show him a number of slides.

She obviously doesn't want to talk about it. She'd let him off the other night, he'll let her off for now.

He turns his attention to the screen and frowns as he tries to work out just what the topic of her lecture is. He reads a few lines and it all seems to be about certain studies by whoever et al. She flicks through a few more.

"Boring?"

"I'm not exactly a good judge am I eh? If they want to learn it they'll pay attention." He wonders what she's like giving a lecture in front of an audience that actually want to hear what she has to say, he's heard plenty personally directed at him over the years most of them he hadn't wanted to hear even if he needed to. He's blanked a few of them out too.

"Sorry Ste, Harry needs you." Lori interrupts.

He makes his way to kitchen. They're out of bacon. He takes over while Harry hurries to the shop to buy an emergency supply.

"Who's that talking to Laura?" Lori asked as she picked up the plates for table three. "He's well fit."

Brendan Brady in Ill Nosh. He frowns. Brendan in his life… Like he could be sat waiting for his break so they could catch up, the way it could have been if Brendan hadn't decided to leave him. It aches... The way things could have been so clear in front of him.

Brendan sitting in the business which has been his salivation from all the shit he went through, and the stuff he could have done to himself all because of him... It has his insides warring. This is what it could be like now... He might not have been able to have it all those years but there's nothing to say he can't have it now, that this couldn't be them now... He bites at his lip.

Brendan's sat across from Laura with his suit jacket on the back of the chair in deep conversation.

"Harry take over." He states hobbling a little on his way over.

"By Christmas he won't have anything worth having. He'll be ruined." He catches the end of what Laura's saying.

"Who's this?" He asks.

Brendan looks directly at him.

"Ronnie." Laura replies.

"Laura was just outlining Robert's plans."

He frowns at Brendan being so forth coming. He doesn't really want to know what Robert's going to do to Ronnie. It's nothing to do with him. He doesn't want anything to do with it.

"Did you have a good time in London?" He asks to change the subject.

"You know I wouldn't have gone if…" Brendan starts on the defence.

"You had to go… I'm asking if it was alright." He sighs.

"Yeah. Got everything sorted."

"Good."

"I have to go. I'll see you later." Laura states clearing her laptop into her bag.

"I'm at SALLT. Marc's still off." He replies just to let her know.

She nods in understanding.

"Sit down Steven." Brendan states. And it riles him. "You're ankles still bothering you." He adds which quells the anger at being told what to do.

He sits.

"I haven't got long. I've already taken my break."

"Perk of being the boss, breaks when you like." Brendan says.

He has a point. It's not like he's going to sack himself for skiving. He glances around. It's quiet enough.

"You're eye looks better." He says. There's a slight discolouration but it's not as swollen or as vivid as it had been.

"So…" Brendan states drumming at the table.

"So?"

"You're angry at me for leaving." Brendan says.

He sighs and rubs his forehead...

"I told you to go. You had to. It's fine. It was work."

"But…"

"Brendan seriously I'm not angry." There are plenty of other things that's he's angry about. The fact that the reason Brendan had to go to London was for his drug lord boss when he has coppers asking questions about the Barnet's and what happened at the house in the Lakes... He knows that the coppers had to be looking at Brendan because they would know he was with Dean and yet he had still gone to sort something, a deal for Mr Arthur. There could have been a raid. There could have been a double cross. There could have been an undercover cop and Brendan could have been sent back to prison. Those things piss him off. Brendan working that he understood even if he doesn't like his job.

"You didn't ring me back." Brendan mutters.

"Because I've been busy."

"Were you busy or just avoiding me?"

"Are you ever going to get over yourself? Might have escaped you're notice but I have a life Brendan. I didn't have time and what were we going to talk about? Oh hi Brendan you know how at the hospital you good as admitted you wanted to die how about we have a nice chat about your day? Yeah didn't fancy it. Thanks."

"So you were avoiding talking to me."

"No. I just didn't see the point. You were busy doing whatever and I was busy."

"You too busy for me now?"

"I'm sitting here aren't I?"

Brendan flinches and sighs.

"I didn't want to leave it like that, but you told me to go."

He rakes his fingers through his hair. The frustration is buiding up.

"And I meant it."

"Alright Ste?" Tony asks. He glances at the clock. He'd asked Tony to come in early to help him with his house search. Go through what he should be looking at possibly ask him to come with him to see a couple of places given his experience in the housing market and estate agents.

"I need to talk to Tony." He states.

Brendan gives a tired half smile that reads as frustration and a nods.

"Dinner?"

"I'm working."

Brendan twitches.

"I'll see you then."

He sighs and grits his teeth.

"It's not because I don't want to Brendan right it's just that I'm busy."

"Too busy I heard you Steven."

"Do you have to be such a child about this?"

"Ste not here." Tony warns.

"I've got a life Brendan, I have to work. I can't just drop everything because you're back. I'm sorry that my life doesn't revolve around you but that's the way it is."

Brendan picks up his jacket, pulls it on.

"Ring me if you ever have time." He nods to him and to Tony and walks out.

The urge to throw something at him is only contained because Tony's shaking his head like he knows what he's thinking and is warning him against it, he still thinks he'd feel better if he did.

He smacks his hand into the table.

"He hates that I'm not at his beck and call doesn't he." He shakes his head. "It's not that I don't want to sort things out right it's not but he just doesn't get it."

"Ste what's going on?" Tony drops into the seat across from him. "Two weeks ago he was holding back his boyfriend now he's here asking you to dinner."

He hadn't told Tony anything. He hadn't said that Brendan was in the Lakes with him. Why he'd been in a car crash any of it. Last time they had talked about Brendan was the night Tony had stopped him winding Dean up further as Brendan held the bastard back in SALLT. It felt like an eternity had passed since then.

He can't come completely clean, not even close.

"Brendan and me we're…" He sighs. "I don't know, trying."

Tony nods slowly.

"I told you that you two will never be over. What about his boyfriend?"

He thinks about lying but it'll come out eventually anyway.

"He killed himself."

Tony sighs and shakes his head.

"When did we get so busy that you couldn't come to me?" Tony asks sadly. "You've been dealing with all this and you never said anything."

"It's messed up Tony. I don't even know… It's all happened so quickly. But Brendan came with us to the Lakes and we talked…" He shrugs and sighs. "It's really fucking messed up."

"He told you he still loves you and I know you still love him."

He nods.

"Then you'll get there…" Tony makes it sound so easy. "Maybe you should explain about work."

"He knows I told him." He told him the kind of hours he works.

"When Marc gets back it won't be so busy." Tony states. "You'll have more time." He's grateful Tony doesn't start talking about possibly trying to working the rota so he can have a night off because they both know that until Marc is back there is no way he can miss any service but breakfast at Ill Nosh and if he does that it's so he can sleep in.

He sighs and scrubs his face. Then changes the subject to moving out of the flat and asking Tony's advice.


	69. Chapter 69

Thanks you reviewing, reading and sticking with me.

Author's note: Just to let you all know that I'm having serious problems with this story at the moment... I've got so many sub plots to work out the sequence of it's causing me to re-write chapters multiple times, this chapter I've got six separate and very different versions of... The main problem is that because I've got so many decisions to make any of which I think could potentially wreck what I've already done that I'm starting to run a bit low on confidence and motivation. I'm tying myself in knots basically hence I'm being so very slow updating.

* * *

"You haven't rang him yet have you." Laura states as she wonders around his potential new flat.

"I haven't had time." He replies as he tries to work out if he can live in a flat where everything is pristine. It's immaculate, fresh and clean. It's open plan apart from the bed rooms to the side. There are massive windows giving a town view. It's everything he should want…

"Liar." Laura replies.

"I haven't." He snaps.

"You haven't made time, there's a difference." She says looking out of the window.

He knows he's had time. He knows he should have rang Brendan but it's all so complicated and he's working ridiculous shifts because Marc's gone on the sick and he's trying to find somewhere to live. There's so much going on in his life that Brendan seems like a complication too far… Even though he misses him. Even though he wants to pick up the phone and talk to him. He should take advantage of the fact he can do that now after so many year not being able to…

"When Marc comes back I'll have time."

"You've got time now."

He rolls his eyes. There's no winning this when he knows it's a flawed argument on his side. He knows he's got time.

"What am I meant to do? Ring him, arrange to see him? It's still going to be the same. He doesn't even want to stick around."

She frowns at him.

"He as good as admitted he's got a death wish." He sighs

"He wants to die or he doesn't care if he dies or is he not scared of death?" She asks.

"What does that matter?"

"There is massive difference between being suicidal, sacrifice, martyrdom and being aware of the mortal condition."

"Are you back on the coke?"

"Only for special occasions." She's joking, he thinks. "It's the difference between being active and being passive… Wanting to die therefore making it happen, dying to save someone or something else, standing by your principles and dying for them and knowing that we're all going to die at some point." She states.

"He went to kill Fred, he didn't care if he died trying and he said he was doing it for me."

She nods.

"You don't want him to die for you."

"No."

"And you think he's being a selfish bastard for even thinking it…"

"Yes."

"Well he is." She says. "But I'm sure that there are worse things that a man can do that die for the person he loves."

"Because you took it so well when Sean died." He shoots back.

"So? I didn't kill myself because he was dead, it wasn't Romeo and Juliet… I've got the life I've got now because he died."

"The guilt nearly killed you."

"It did but I got over it enough to live my life, eventually. He knows you would too if he died." She turns from the window. "You're torturing yourself for no reason. Brendan's back, you love him, he loves you." She shrugs. "I've said it before he could get hit by a bus tomorrow and you'll still be worrying about what might happen instead of appreciating what you've got the opportunity to have now."

"Like you appreciate Callum?"

She rolls her eyes at him.

"I told you to take it slow and the pair of you rushed things… You've given yourself no time at all to work out what you want, what you both want… You've been apart for years and all of a sudden you're fucking about under the threat of the Barnet's. Do you two ever give yourselves time to breath? You say you can't trust him which is understandable given how he betrayed you but you never give yourself anytime to work through that instead you're worried about him getting himself killed... He will die sooner or later it's what you make of the time you've got together that matters, if you want to spend that time together. You said what you two had was worth it, you love him and you want him so stop fucking avoiding him or you'll never get anything sorted out and you'll always be wondering what you could have."

"So I should just ring him after three weeks." It feels like he's left it too long. What if Brendan's found someone else despite what he said about belonging to him? What if he's decided that he wasn't going to ring and he better get on with his life?

"Yes for fucks sake."

"He didn't ring me." He hadn't received another phone call or even a text from Brendan since he had walks out of Ill Nosh.

She sighs heavily.

"Because he's waiting for you to ring him."

"Why should I be the one…" If Brendan was still interested he'd ring him even though he knows that it would have pissed him off, even though he knows it's an unreasonable argument to use after he had told Brendan that he would ring him when he wasn't busy, but he's looking for an excuse…

"Ste." She rolls her eyes. "Stop it and ring him."

"Now?"

"Well you're not going to buy this place so you're wasting time."

"How'd you know I'm not buying it?"

"You're not interested in it, you're looking around it like it's a visitors attraction not a home. Can you imagine living here?"

"Not really." He just can't picture himself living here. It's too… It just doesn't feel right.

"Then you're not buying it." She replies.

"What if he's busy?"

"Then he's busy. What if he doesn't pick up? Then he doesn't pick up but he has a missed call from you. What if he doesn't ring you back straight away? He's busy or tying himself in the same knots you are. What if he doesn't return you're call at all? Then he's a prick." She states. "But you will never know unless you ring him."

"What am I meant to say?" He doesn't know what to say. "Hi Brendan it's been three weeks but I've been avoiding talking to you but this bitch I know keeps banging on about calling you and it's pissing me off so I'm ring you under direct supervision so she fucking shuts up. How are you?"

"I'll ring him for you if you're going to be this pathetic." She replies not rising to it.

"I'm not being pathetic." He shoots back.

"Fine." She picks up her phone.

"You've got his number?" When did that happen?

"No, I've got Callum's number and I know he has Brendan's number. Indirect but effective."

"Alright." He scrolls through his phone. "See ringing him." Nerves jangle in his stomach, and she's right he's being pathetic. It's a phone call.

Brendan doesn't answer, it goes through to voice mail, he ends the call.

"Voice mail." Despite the nerves and not having a clue what to say he's actually disappointed.

She shrugs.

"Come on you're making me lunch." She states.

The estate agent is waiting outside against the wall.

"Sorry not for me." He states as he follows her to the lift.

He was technically late for his shift even though he was in time for service. There were a few customer's already inside.

Laura pulls out the stool which he still used on occasion, it had become part of the kitchen, first person on cutlery used it, it was like an incentive. Volunteer for cutlery and get a seat.

Lyndsay and Connor had everything prepped and had started serving the first few customers as Sam directed them.

He grabs a bowl and ladles a portion of soup into it. Grabbing a bread bun a handing them both to Laura. She nicks a spoon out of the washing up.

He gets changed into his whites by the time he's back Laura's finished and standing by the dishwasher talking to Vic about a psychology course that Vic's in the second year of. He ignores Laura distracting his staff since Vic's still washing dishes as she listens.

"I'm off to see Callum." Laura says on her way through the staff door to Stellarto. Sam shakes her head at her. She hates Laura using that door since she's not staff but he's not pointing out that technically Laura can do what she likes, other than the fact she already does because she now owns Callum's shares. Some things he doesn't want to explain and in this case doesn't need to. His employee's don't need to know.

"Ste there's a man asking for you said his name was Brendan." Sam states coming in to pick table four. "He ordered as well. Beef bourguignon."

He hadn't expected Brendan to show up at work, he thought that he. The prep is done, Lyndsay knows what she's doing and he'll be less than a minute away if they need him.

"I'll take it to him."

Sam looks shocked for a moment, he admits that it's out of character, he usually avoids having to go and see customers at least when he's at SALLT it's not the same atmosphere as Ill Nosh. He doesn't know just about everyone who comes in.

He blows out a breath and plates up a portion.

"Lyndsay run the pass. I'll be ten minutes." He says as he takes it through.

He can see the back of Brendan's head as he walks over, he places the plate down then sit's himself opposite.

"How are you?" He asks.

Brendan just stares at him for a moment then nods.

"I'm good, yourself?"

"Good. I've been busy that's why I didn't call." He shifts in his seat.

Brendan smiles a fraction.

"You didn't need to come in." He states.

"I was passing by besides last time you implied that talking over the phone wasn't what you wanted." Brendan replies before digging into his food and taking a mouthful.

"What are you doing tonight?" Brendan asks.

"Working in here."

"Time do you finish?"

"Around midnight, one maybe." He replies.

"Come for a drink at Cobra." Brendan states. "I'll put your name on the door."

He could argue that he's going to be too tired but sitting here with Brendan across from him, he realises that even though he thought he missed him he hadn't appreciated quite how much.

"Yeah ok."

"Shouldn't you be getting back?" Brendan states and it's a little bitter.

"Yeah." He should.

"Will you do something for me?"

"Depends what it is."

"If you're not coming ring me." Brendan states.

He frowns slightly. Why wouldn't he be coming? He said he would.

"Yeah, but I will be there."

The evening service flies by even though it's a little slow on the order front. He gets Laura to bring him a decent shirt, a pair of decent jeans and his shoes in since he can't go to Cobra dressed in what he went flat hunting in.

He comes back into the kitchen to check everything is alright before he leaves. Tommy is sweeping the floor and the others are clearing down.

There's a wolf whistle from Michael which he ignores. He checks that Sam's still okay to lock up which she is.

"Go, have a good night." She states. He's fairly sure that it's her way of pushing him out the door.

He walks up through the streets until he sees the queue for Cobra. He quite enjoys walking straight up to the bouncers while he gets evil glares from three women who are dressed to impress and have obviously been waiting ages to get in.

"Ste Hay, Brendan Brady's expecting me." He states.

"VIP bar." The bouncer states and he flashes a cheeky smile at the women.

He hasn't been here in a while and it's changed a bit, not much. Downstairs is still heaving. Upstairs in VIP there's a few more sofa's. It's packed though as he would expect. There's the drugs blatant on the tables. The barely clothed women. The powerful looking men.

Brendan's behind the bar but to the side talking to a young woman who must be a member of staff given how she's dressed. He steps up to the bar and waits to get served. Brendan spots him and holds up a finger, which he assumes means he'll be with him in a minuet.

He finally gets the attention of the barman only for Brendan to step in.

"What can I get you?"

He should get a beer but it's been a long night.

"House cocktail."

Brendan nods and goes to get his drink, he comes back around the side of the bar with two cocktails. He has a flash of Brendan drinking a ridiculous cocktail outside the Dog years ago when he was with… He shuts that line of thought down. He doesn't want to think about Rae.

He takes a sip of his drink and looks around a bit. Brendan touches his arm and he's follows as Brendan leads him through the crowd to a door which leads to a corridor then down the stairs and he knows where they're going…

Brendan must have Callum's old office. He wonders if Callum took his knives when he left…

It doesn't look quite the same as when he was in previously but it still unsettles him. He sits on the sofa to the side and Brendan drops down beside him. Close but not touching. He didn't know what to expect. He didn't know where they were really. In the Lakes it had been easier, far away from work and responsibilities, far away from the real world. Being up there it had been easier.

"I didn't think you'd show up." Brendan states.

"Why not? Said I would." Did Brendan really think he'd stand him up? Suppose he had every right to think that after not making the effort before today.

Brendan nods a little.

"I want to sort things Brendan but it's just been manic…" He sighs. "And with everything with Dean and the Barnet's and Mr Arthur I just… I need to be equal in this if you want this... I can't have you keeping things from me, disappearing off. I need you to be honest with me. I'm not going to be asking where you are every second of the day but I can't have you pissing off without telling me because I hate it and I worry about you."

"I can't promise not to fuck up." Brendan states. He's not expecting plain sailing between them. They're both volatile and quick to anger with violent tempers, he's more stubborn than Brendan in the long haul but Brendan's not exactly flexible.

"You said you were done with promises and I've had my fill of them anyway." He replies.

"Just…"

"I'm not going to chuck you at the first fuck up and I'm hoping that you're going to give me the same bit of lee way… I'm asking that you consider me, talk to me and treat me as equal... And I need you to do something for me." He's been thinking about it all day since the flat in the morning. It's a huge thing to ask, too much but he has to.

Brendan nods for him to continue.

"I need you to live for me. I need you alive right. You say you can't lose me well I can't lose you so…"

"I will." Brendan states firmly. "I'm not leaving you if I can help it."

The silence stretches a little.

"Will you come out on a date with me?" Brendan asks. "Proper date. You, me, dinner? A drive? I want to do things right." This time goes unsaid…

"Yeah." He nods.

"When?"

"Tomorrow? I'm not at work, it's my only day off at the minuet."

"Fine. Good." Brendan nods.

"I should go let you get on." He states finishing his drink.

"What time?"

"Twelve? Gives us both a lie in." He knows that Brendan's not going to be finished until four.

He gets to his feet and Brendan stands too. He's struck with indecision for a moment before stepping closer and does what he thinks he should have done the second he saw him, gently placing his hands around Brendan's neck and kissing him gently, Brendan barely moves his lips.

"I missed you." He states. He wants Brendan to know.

Brendan nods. Grips his waist then kisses his bottom lip slowly.

"I missed you too." Brendan says.

He lets Brendan lead him back through the corridors and into the club.

"I'll see you in… A couple of hours."


	70. Chapter 70

Thank you for sticking with this, for reading, for reviewing.

Possibly not what's expected but here goes...

* * *

He returned from Cobra and undressed falling into bed, he was knackered. He could feel it in his legs, the way his feet ached from being on his feet most of the day. He knew he was tired and yet he knew he wouldn't sleep… It was a date. A drive out, maybe a meal…

He sighs and turns over, thumps his pillow and tries to will himself to sleep. It's not happening. He sighs and sits up scrubbing his face. He grabs his dressing gown and wonders into the living room.

He looks around in the dim street lighting filtering through the windows. The pictures of his kids, he doesn't need the light to know which ones are where, he's got them imprinted on his brain.

The picture of Leah when she was eight, dressed up as little bow peep. Lucas at his first full match, covered in mud. Pink cheeks and a huge smile. Leah, Lucas, Amy and him at the beach. Leah's first day at school. Lucas' first school photo. Both of them as baby's.

Jamie and him with Leah and Lucas both pulling faces behind them at Alton Towers… It's the only picture he had ever put up of Jamie. Five years they were together and that's the only picture he ever put up. Five years that he had been relatively happy, it was one of the calmest periods of his life. It was all straight forward and easy, just living, being together… An itch to the side that wouldn't fade, that he couldn't erase, that would strike randomly while he was trying to enjoy what he had rather than what he could have had... Everything else had been good. But Jamie meant almost nothing in comparison with Brendan. Like Doug he had meant something, but not enough…

He's stuck with this love that's brutal, nothing is ever even, the highs are like nothing else he has ever experienced, the lows soul destroying.

He's putting himself back in the firing line. He putting himself back in danger. He knows better than to think that they're ever going to be as calm as Jamie and he had been. It wasn't in their natures. He needs to try though. He has to. He wants to… It's the only way he can have Brendan fully in his life. They can never be friends. He had thought it could be possible but what was between them could never be friendship alone. He couldn't go out for a drink with him as his mate and stand there while he eyes up other men, he wouldn't let himself even think about doing it... He cares and he loves but that love isn't calm or steady. It's passion, it's blood red and coiled within him, an uncontainable storm that he can't quell. He's had years of trying to.

It cost him a man who would have married him and a man who did marry him. It's cost him everything but his life at some point.

He's not an idiot, he knows that Brendan is never going to live for him, he'll say it but when it comes down to it, Brendan will always throw himself under that bus. He'll always sacrifice himself first… He kind of loves that about him, just as much as he hates him for it.

He's never going to be all out… He's always going to be in, it's whether he dares to be all in. He knows that he already is, already tempted, already back in the spell but that doesn't mean he's going to let himself be blind to the obvious there's a lot to sort out and he's not sure they'll ever get there.

He never trusted Jamie with all of him, he couldn't give all of himself to him, but he always hid himself to a certain extent. Jamie never understood him fully because he didn't want him to. He was always afraid that if he did show himself, show Jamie everything that he would shy away. He didn't understand, he couldn't so he didn't.

He doesn't have to hide with Brendan. There is nothing he feels ashamed of with Brendan because he does understand. Brendan gets what abusive parents do to a person, it's not the same what he went through isn't the same but it's a base, a bind… They've both been victim and abuser… Both tried to make people love them, control them… Brendan knows that darkness, knows it's within him too.

He walks back through to the bedroom, unable to sit there anymore… Unable to let himself get dragged into that darkness of their past…

He loves Brendan, he just needs to find a way to make it through the anger, betrayal and hurt that he's caused and learn to trust him… Going on a date. Starting like a proper couple would… It's not them but if Brendan wants to do things properly who is he to stop him… He doesn't want to stop him. Dating, getting to know each other again properly. Learn the ways they've both changed… It seems way too sensible but it could be the best thing for him. Giving himself time to adapt, to get used to it all again… To get used to having what he wants… To having everything he wants. Business' running well, his kids happy and Brendan…

He pushes the covers off a bit, it's too hot which is unusual in the flat but he shrugs it off and tries to get comfortable. He needs a decent night's sleep.

He wakes feeling nauseous, his guts feeling upside down and inside out. He finds himself running to the bathroom to throw up nothing but bile he hadn't eaten anything but a few chips since he had grabbed a sandwich on the way to SALLT the other day, he had been in a rush. It had tasted funny and he had only eaten half of it… But… He throws up nothing again. He's got food poisoning… He knew the symptoms, he'd had them before from a bad kebab. He couldn't believe he'd been so stupid. Being a chef he was overly aware of all food preparation, sell by dates, use by dates, something tasting off, cross contamination, he'd passed the courses… His stomach cramps. And he leans his head against his forearm across the toilet and pants trying to repress the sickness. He feels too hot, he groans miserably.

After a while the vomiting subsides but the nausea persists. He grabs some immodium from the kitchen to stop that problem before it even starts and manages to grab his dressing gown and a pillow before returning to the bathroom floor. It's cool in there and he isn't quite ready to leave the toilet.

He shivers and wraps the gown closer around him and lets his head rest on the cool floor. Let's himself wonder the last time he properly cleaned it, not that he cares but anything to take his mind off the roll of his stomach… He counts the bottles in the shower, the marks on the walls then tries to recall every one which he made and how he'd managed to make it…

He closes his eyes and hopes that when he wakes up he'll feel better.

There's knocking. He doesn't realise why straight away. His brain isn't quite up to speed on that yet. Knocking again. Not from inside the flat… The door. He forces himself up on wobbly legs only to get another wave of stomach cramps.

He realises who it is as he goes to open the door. Brendan. They're date. Fuck.

Brendan looks wonderful. Tight Jeans, white t-shirt, black leather jacket… Fuck's sake.

"Steven." Brendan smiles for half a second then frowns in concern.

"I've got food poisoning. I should have called. I know a chef with food poisoning, stupid." He states leaning against the door frame. It's not fair. Why didn't he just wait until he was at SALLT to make himself something instead of giving in to instant gratification and the thought of eating something that he hadn't had to make himself.

Brendan shakes his head at him and guides him back off the door frame.

"Bren? I'm sick I can't go out… I'm sorry." He expects Brendan to be leaving… He's sick, he must look terrible and he can't go on their date. Brendan should be leaving him to it.

"Shut up and sit yourself down." Brendan demands shutting the door behind them. "How long you been like this?"

"Couple of hours." He replies going to sit on the sofa then running for the toilet just in time to throw up nothing, it's killing his throat and bring tears to his eyes, he coughs and leans back against the wall wrapping his arms around his stomach.

Brendan appears in the doorway.

"Sorry. We can re-arrange." He mutters and draws his knees up dropping his head back closing his eyes. It should be mortifying letting Brendan see him like this but he feels so shit that he doesn't even care.

He opens his eyes as he feels a palm on his forehead. Brendan knelt down in front of him, looking seriously worried.

"I'll be fine in a bit." He states wanting to ease Brendan's concern. He's not dying, he's just ill and yet Brendan's looking at him like he might collapse at any second.

Brendan sighs,, stands and walks back out returning with a clean dish towel and without his jacket. He folds it up and runs it under the tap then presses it against his forehead.

"What am I going to do with you?" Brendan breaths offering a tiny smile before sitting next to him and wrapping an arm around his shoulders bringing his left hand up to keep pressing the towel to his forehead.

"What are you doing?" He asks even though he's leaning to Brendan's embrace.

"I'm not leaving you sitting on the bathroom floor." Brendan replies quietly.

He has another bout of wrenching and Brendan rubs gently up and down his back until he leans back.

"Done?" Brendan asks. He shrugs, he doesn't know, his stomach doesn't seem to know either. "Come on let's get you into bed."

He snorts a bit.

"What?" Brendan frowns.

"Kind of was hoping that we'd end up there today, not like this though." He states as Brendan laughs a bit and offers a hand to get him to his feet taking his, then steadies him by his waist.

He collapses down onto the bed, which spikes the nausea and curls up.

Brendan comes into the room with a glass of water which he puts on the bed side table.

"Need anything else?" Brendan asks.

He grunts no or something he means to sound like no into the pillow. He shivers and pulls at the covers which won't come loose from under him.

He hears Brendan sigh then finds himself being moved across the bed and the covers being wrapped around him. Brendan moves away and he wants him to come back… He frowns at himself…

"I've got to make a phone call. Okay?" Brendan states.

He hears Brendan cancelling a reservation, the tap running a bit and Brendan's feet as he walks around a bit.

"Where were you taking me?" He asks turning to face him.

"Doesn't matter we'll go another time… If you want to." Brendan replies as he gets on to the bed on top of the covers and pulls him to him so his head is on his stomach, arms around him, fingers running through his hair soothingly. It feels so good... Years of never getting any comfort when he was sick then years refusing comfort because those early years had taught him that being sick was never an excuse, that asking someone to make him feel better was met by abuse… He always reacted badly to being offered comfort when he was sick, always afraid that it would be thrown back at him the way Pauline had. She'd comfort him for a short while if she wasn't too drunk or if she was it depended then shout at him, call him names, push him away… It was better not to be comforted at all then risk it. Doug had offered, Jamie too but he couldn't take from them…

With Brendan though it's different. He wasn't sure why but it was. Maybe because he was giving without asking if he wanted it, staying until he was pushed away, forcefully pushed too Brendan's always been stubborn like that with him when he's upset. The others had expected to be pushed away so hesitated and gave him the chance to push them and could never get through the walls.

"You should take a couple of ibuprofen get your temperature down." Brendan murmurs quietly.

"I'll just throw them up." He replies. "Sorry for wrecking today."

"You're sick, it's nothing that can't wait besides… We're still spending the day together."

He doesn't think this is what Brendan had in mind. Fuck. It's not what he had in mind. It's not what he wanted to happen.

"Yeah I'm bet you're thrilled." He mutters bitterly. "I'm sure there's better things you can be doing." He can't help but need to push him away even though he doesn't want to. It's instinct. Even if Brendan's different he doesn't want to be a burden, like Pauline had told him he was. He hates that she still has so much influence on him but it's something to do with being sick.

"Can't think of any." Brendan replies. "Although I could do with some entertainment." He reaches over and picks up the remote flicking the TV on.

The stomach cramps reduce in frequency but don't go away fully, he finds himself tensing every so often… Brendan holds him a little tighter through them and insists that he drinks a bit of water. When he hasn't thrown up for an hour he presses some ibuprofen into his hand and helps him sit up a little to swallow them which takes effort with his throat so sore.

"You should eat something." Brendan states gently rolling him off him. "You're wasting away as it is."

"Dry toast." He doesn't think he can handle anything at the moment but he knows that Brendan's not going to take no for an answer.

Brendan returns from the kitchen too quickly.

"You haven't got any bread."

"Fuck." He groans.

Brendan shrugs on his jacket.

"Will you be alright while I go to the shops?"

He rolls his eyes.

"I'm not dying. There's some money…"

"Stop talking." Brendan states. "I'll be five minutes."

He gets another bout of retching which he tries to suppress as long as he can before giving in and going to the bathroom, he hacks a bit and spits. He just wants his body to realise there is nothing else left, there was nothing in his stomach to begin with…

"Can't leave you alone can I?" Brendan says as he helps him up.

He pushes him away. He feels terrible but that's not enough to have anger bubbling up at Brendan's flippancy.

"I was fine without you when you left me… I had to be." He snaps and nearly falls over but Brendan stop him holding him up a little while he gets his balance back.

"Not today… Not while you're sick." Brendan states firmly.

"What's being ill got to do with anything?"

Brendan grips his shoulders and looks him dead in the eye.

He breaks free of his grip and slams his fist back into the wall. Takes a couple of breaths then nods. He doesn't want an argument, he doesn't want to push Brendan away, but he can't stop himself sometimes. He doesn't have the energy to fight, or rehash things, not right now.

"Okay?" Brendan asks.

"Fine." He grumbles and makes his way back to bed.

Brendan brings him a single piece of toast and a plate which he nibbles at fearing that it will trigger another bout but it doesn't. He still doesn't push it too far.

"You can buy a new bed, but you can't buy a toaster or a kettle when they're both broken?" Brendan raises an eyebrow at him.

How does Brendan know he has a new bed? Well a different bed than he had…

"They're not broken." He replies into the pillow.

"Well the kettle isn't working."

He explains the trick to it. And Brendan grumbles under his breath. He comes back to the bed with a cup of coffee, the smell is overpowering but his stomach behaves. Brendan sits leaning against the headboard.

He hates the distance between them even though he's the one that put it there, his inability to let go of the past because he's scared and he's not ready to forgive him completely yet... Mostly he's scared that he could get used to this, Brendan taking care of him…

He sighs heavily and moves over until he's resting his head on Brendan's thigh, eyes glued to the TV because he doesn't want to see the look on Brendan's face. He half expects Brendan to push him off but he doesn't. Instead he pulls him up a bit and shimmies down the bed a bit until his shoulders are on the pillows his head is back on his chest listening to and feeling him breathe through the thin fabric... Fuck it, he feels terrible. He picks up Brendan's hand and places it back on his hair to get him to card through it again. Which he does with a small laugh.

He lets himself drift off.

He wakes alone to the sound of Brendan fighting with the kettle. He feels wiped out but the stomach cramps have gone and he doesn't feel nauseous anymore. He lies there listening until he here's the switch of the kettle being flicked so hard it could well be properly broken. He swings his legs over the bed waiting for his stomach to roll but it doesn't. Relieved, he slowly makes his way to the kitchen tapping at Brendan's side to make him step across so he can reach the kettle. He gets it to switch on at the first attempt.

"I'll get a new kettle when I move."

"You're moving?"

"Yeah, getting out of this place." He sighs. If he ever finds anywhere that he wants.

"Where you going?" There's anxiety in Brendan's tone.

"Don't know yet… Looked at a couple of flats, there's a house in the village I'm going to see this week some time…" He turns his heads to look at him. "Where'd you think I was going?"

Brendan shrugs but he can see him relax his shoulders a little as he leans against the sink. He thought he was leaving as in leaving Hollyoaks…

"Feeling better?"

"A bit." He not going to even try and suggest he's actually better not when he's voice is strained, his muscles ache and his hands tremble ever so slightly if he relaxes them.

"Up to eating something?" Brendan asks.

"Like you're going to cook." He snorts. "I've had food poisoning you want to try and finish me off?"

"I can make beans on toast, Steven."

"You burnt the toast before… You're hungry." He smiles. Brendan and food. He shakes his head a little. "Beans in the cupboard." He not eating. He's not ready for it. "Suppose I owe you lunch." He pulls a pan from the draw.

"Go back to bed."

"And leave you to burn down the kitchen not likely." He wanted to be up even though he felt wobbly and weak. He didn't want to lie in bed although the long he was on his feet the more tired he felt.

Brendan gripped his hips.

"I pick you up you going to throw up?"

He frowned.

"What…?"

Brendan lifted him gently and placed him on the counter top.

"Sit there."

"Yes boss."

Brendan raises an eyebrow at him. He knows that look and he knows what he said.

"Still got a thing for that do you?" He laughs dropping his head back against the top cupboard behind him.

Brendan smiles at him, shakes his head and puts the beans in the pan. He stirs while Brendan watches the toast.

He wrinkles his nose at the smell of warm butter and switches off the hob once the beans are warm. He feels slightly sick again.

"You eat that I'm going back to bed."

Brendan nods. He can feel Brendan's eyes on him as he makes his way back through.

He lies back down curling up slightly. He wishes he could ring Tony and rearrange the shifts but without Marc he's stuck. He has to go into work… Not first thing. It's Harry's morning alone but he still needs to get in around half eight, nine… He's going to need to sleep the rest of this off.

Brendan sits back down on the bed…

"You don't have to stay you know… I'm fine… Go do whatever…" He offers Brendan an out. He must be bored out of his mind having to deal with him being sick all day. Hardly what the day was meant to be about…

"You want me to go?" Brendan asks seriously.

"I'm just going to sleep. I'm not going to be up for anything."

"Steven." Brendan says sounding offended. "I'm not here for sex..."

"Then why are you here? You should have left as soon as I said I was ill. Not like I'm offering anything." He's pushing and he knows he is.

"You don't have to offer anything. Just being here is… I want to be here."

"With me looking like this?"

"You look fine." Brendan mumbles.

"That's crap and we both know it, no need to lie."

"Is honesty going to make you feel better?"

He shrugs. Properly not but he'd rather have that than a blatant lie.

"You look like a kitten could take a swipe and knock you flat on your arse." Brendan states.

"Cheers." He huffs.

Brendan snorts a laugh and gently runs his fingers over his hair.

"I want to be here… I've got nothing better to do."

"You certainly know how to make a bloke feel special." He mumbles.

"You're an aggravating little fucker." Brendan states with a definite fondness in his tone.

Brendan wants to stay. He'd given him the chance to go…

"If you're staying you may as well get comfortable." He says.


	71. Chapter 71

Thank you for reviewing. I really appreciate the feedback.

* * *

He wakes up slowly, takes in the light that's threatening if he opens his eyes, the feel of the dip in the bed behind him… He doesn't know how long he's got until his alarm goes off and he's got to get himself sorted for work.

He still feels washed out. Weak. He can feel it when he shifts a fraction. His leg feel heavy. Today is going to be shit. He's going to be next to useless and if he had any sense he would call in, but he can't and he knows he can't. Well he could… No. He thinks about how much hassle and stress it would be if Tony called in sick… He's not doing that to Tony.

He misses the days when it was just Ill Nosh and he could ring Tony for a favour when he was ill, or couldn't face it, or was in no fit shape to be there. The good old days when it had been so easy to arrange cover. Call Tony say he was ill and Tony would cover, when he felt better he'd then make it up to him. Now though it's two kitchens. Not with Marc still off.

The joys of running businesses. He loves it, right now though he'd rather not have the responsibility.

He needs a shower… If he waits for the alarm then it'll be a rush, he's better off just getting up.

He stretches out and turns away from the window to open his eyes.

Brendan's awake and on his phone, propped up against the headboard, he looks down at him.

"Morning."

The sound of his voice, rougher from lack of use, it never fails to make his skin tingle, like he can actually feel the sound waves on his skin…

"Mornin'." He yawns and stretches again. He catches Brendan watching. "I'm going for a shower. Then I'll have to get to work." He states although he's not really in that much of a hurry. He'd quite happily stay in bed.

"You going in?"

"Yeah." He replies lying back against the pillows. Trying to find the energy to actually do what he's meant to be doing. Shower.

"You should take the day off."

"Love to, but I can't."

"You are the boss." Brendan states.

"Yeah I'm the boss. And we've got two kitchens. I'm not in and Tony needs to be in two places at once." He sighs. He wants to go back to sleep, badly.

"Must be someone who can cover."

"Nope." He needs to get up or he'll go back to sleep. The alarm hasn't gone off yet. He curls up a bit and closes his eyes. Just a couple more minutes and he'll get up. He knows it's a bad idea. He should have gotten straight up, now he'll have to force himself to get up.

"Thanks for yesterday." He says. "You didn't have to stay."

Time was he couldn't imagine Brendan taking care of him like that. In fact he can't remember him ever being willing to. He'd killed for him, murdered a man for even threatening to hurt him… Checked his wounds, usually the ones Brendan himself had inflicted but he can't remember him ever taking this kind of care of him… It was fine then, it didn't matter, Brendan was there in his way then, gave him what he needed, looked after him in his way…

The closet memory he can come up with is from years and years ago when he had a hang over from hell. He and Brendan had been out for a couple of drinks which had turned into a lot of drinks which had turned into the worst hangover he had ever had then, he's had worse since. He remembered Brendan offering him a couple of pain killers, lying in bed with him but there had been distance, Brendan with sun glasses on because even though the curtains were shut he had insisted the light was too bright, grumbling that he was wriggling around too much, and moaning at him for talking when he claimed a splitting headache. They'd stayed in bed all day but it hadn't felt like this… Brendan had checked on him, made sure he was alright, told him to drink water, told him to eat but he'd never had gone as far as he had yesterday. He hadn't brought him the glass of water or brought him anything to eat…

It's something he hadn't expected. Genuine care. Personal care.

He sighs into the covers. It's the first very noticeable difference.

"You gone soft?" He asks. "Brendan Brady sitting on bathroom floors? Not the behaviour of a hard man."

Brendan grunts non- committed.

The alarm still hasn't gone off and he can feel that it's time to get up. He's got a routine and his body is saying that despite the lack of energy and motivation he should be up.

He reaches behind him for his phone to check the time. It's not on the bedside table. He must have left it in the kitchen, or the bathroom, or no because it was on the side the night before he can remember very clearly putting it on charge and he hadn't used it yesterday…

"You should go back to sleep." Brendan states.

"Time is it?" He turns over and looks to see if it's fallen on the floor. "Where's my phone?" He asks. He takes in for the first time just how light it is in the room. Too light.

"Haven't seen it." Liar.

"Seriously what time is it?"

Brendan doesn't reply straight away even though his phone display will have it on.

"You need another day in bed. Tony agreed."

"You rang Tony?" He takes a second. Grabs Brendan's phone half ten. He throws it back at him not much caring where it lands. "You…" The outrage chokes the words in his throat. "You..." He manages again, he gets up off the bed picks up Brendan's clothes and throws them at him. "I'm going in the shower, by the time I get back you'll be gone and my phone will be on the bed."

"Steven."

"Fuck off Brendan. You look after me for one day and you start making decisions for me… You weren't even going to tell me were you?" The manipulation is astounding but not surprising. This is the Brendan that he knows. He hasn't changed that much. This is the Brendan who searches for control in every aspect of people's lives. "You think I wouldn't work it out?" He was always going to work it out.

"I was trying to look after…"

"I know exactly what you were trying to do." Control.

"You were chucking your guts up most of yesterday..."

"And because you were nice to me and I let you stay you think that gives you the right to decide…"

"You're over reacting."

"Just… Fuck off yeah." He stomps through to the bathroom and sets the shower off, scrubs the stale smell of vomit from his body quickly. Drying himself roughly and brushing his teeth with more toothpaste than is strictly necessary.

His phone is on the bed and Brendan's gone. He leans against the wall and thumps it with his hand. He shakes his head and rings Tony who had been stressed trying to work out what to do but he hadn't sorted anything.

"I'm coming in."

"Brendan said…"

Brendan could say what he liked. It was his life, his choice and his fucking business.

"I'm fine. I'm doing my shifts." He tries to keep his tone light. He doesn't want Tony to know that he's pissed off because then he'd ask and he doesn't want to talk about it.

"We really need to know when Marc's coming back." He couldn't agree more. They've gone nearly a month. If Marc's coming back they need a date, if he's not then they need to get another chef, if he's staying on the sick they need a temp otherwise this could crop up again. It's the run in to Christmas and the start of the flu season, they can't afford to risk one of them getting ill and having no plan in place. "I'll ring him and try and get an answer."

It's fairly quite when he reaches Ill Nosh. Harry tells him it was busy early but Lori had helped him and Nat they're new waitress had helped him out with the simple orders.

He still can't believe Brendan dared to go behind his back and ring Tony… Actually he could believe it. It was exactly the kind of thing Brendan did.

He feels like utter complete trampled shit within an hour of being at work. He can barely concentrate. He keeps blanking in and out so much so he takes himself off into the far corner to do the ordering. Which he can't help but think is a bad idea. If he can't concentrate of prep he really can't concentrate on working out what they need.

He crosses his arm on the table and drops his head to them as he tries to summon up the focus to work out just how much chicken he needs this week given that there is a chicken special and the main menu. It's easy, well not that complicated but he's struggling every time he has the answer he doubts it's right then tries to work it out again, he gets a different answer and he can't work out just where he's made the mistake. Or if he has made a mistake. He groans a bit.

He shouldn't have come in. He knew this morning he shouldn't, he possibly would have considered dropping the lunch shift leaving Harry to run it since Jenny is in and he could have asked Connor a favour… He works for SALLT but it wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world to ask him to work in Ill Nosh. Not that Harry seems to need the help… Maybe he could have skipped the lunch shift and come in for evening service, that one was unavoidable but he could have had a few more hours in bed…

If Brendan hadn't gone behind his back, if he hadn't been fuelled with anger and stubbornness he would have thought about it harder… He maybe would have rang Tony and suggested that Harry work lunch alone… Or at least rang Harry to see what he thought…

He presses his forehead into his arms and pushes himself up. He's not fucking giving in. He gets Jenny to make him a strong coffee and sets back about the ordering. Double checks and since it's right twice phones the orders in.

He takes a five minuet break to go to price slice and buy a couple of cans of red bull, coffee is just not going to do this. He downs one on the way back. It upsets his stomach. It gurgles and twists at him. He should have eaten something.

It's quiet when he gets back, Harry's making his way through the prep at a decent pace, so he's got time to make himself a sandwich. It calms his stomach down and he really needs to sort this out.

He has lost weight and he knows that he's fallen into a bad habit and he needs to break it. He needs to take the time to sit down and eat instead of picking. Jamie used to come in at lunch and they'd sit and eat together most days and there would always be something left out for him to eat when he got back late, left over pizza or whatever, it didn't matter. Since they'd split up he had gotten out of the habit of meals.

He knows he's also busier than he had been then but the point stands he needs to look after himself better and then maybe people will stop trying to do it for him.

Another can of Red Bull during service and he manages to get through it.

Brendan doesn't text. He doesn't either.

He's not giving in. Brendan was the one in the wrong and he could be the one to apologise… But Brendan's not going to apologise for it is he? There's no way that he will.

And he's not, even if he'd over reacted a bit, maybe more than a bit… He had every right to be pissed off. He sighs.

He remembers Jamie had rang in for him loads, well not loads but plenty of times before and he had never reacted like that, but then Jamie had always woken him up, ask then rang… Brendan didn't ask.

He leans against the till. Head in hands, scrubbing back until they rest on his neck.

If Jamie hadn't asked, if he had done what Brendan had done, would he have reacted like that?

He knows he wouldn't. He would have been annoyed, maybe, possibly…

But it was different then. There wasn't as much stress if he called in sick. It wasn't as big of a problem…

He knows it's nothing to do with calling in, it's nothing to do with the problems. It's to do with Brendan.

It's to do with his fear that Brendan is going to control him, or try to… Because he had for a time, made him scared of him… Controlled him through that fear.

He knows that Brendan has changed but it's not straight in his head. He can see Brendan the loyal, generous, good man and right along side that he can see the dangerous, angry, murderer... The shell around the good man that lashed out made him bleed for control of him...

He knows Brendan wouldn't... But he doesn't know that because he doesn't know him anymore... He keeps telling himself that he's walking into this with his eyes open but is he really?

He presses his forehead to the cold counter top.

He has a bottle of vodka at home and he's pretty sure he's going to need it.


	72. Chapter 72

Thanks for reviewing.

Massive amount going on in this chapter... Properly a bit too much if I'm honest.

* * *

He sits in Stellarto after his triple shift and celebrates making it through a nightmare day with a couple of triple vodka and cokes.

The more he drinks the worse he feels about himself but it's not stopping him doing it. Being drunk and getting more and more miserable feels better than being just plain miserable and sober.

He's got a second chance, somehow, someway and he's fucking it up… He always fucks up.

He can't help himself. He has to take everything good in his life and ruin it… It's what he does. Destroy, wreck and ruin… He thought he was done with it. He thought he was back on the right path. He had been on the right path for so long… He hadn't though really. Living with Jamie, stringing him along for all the wrong reasons keeping him in his life because he didn't want to be alone. He was a selfish bastard...

He knew it would be hard, he knew that he would have to push through things but he hadn't expected to blow up quite like that, quite so soon. He thought that if they went slowly… But he hasn't been going slowly… Brendan's the one saying do things properly. Laura keeps telling him to slow down, take it slow, there's a lot of pain to get over… He had listened but he hadn't really listened properly.

Like he had heard, he had thought it was a good idea and yet still found himself getting ahead of himself…

He knows that Brendan wants to protect him and ringing Tony had been about looking after him… And he should have seen that. He shouldn't have seen control… He had though…

"Another?" Alex asks.

He nods and swirls the last of his drink before knocking it back. It burns all the way down his throat.

"Can't be that bad." Alex states as he places another drink in front of him.

"Worse." He replies. He wonders if one more is really what he needs, he downs it anyway.

He twirls his phone on the bar… He should text… He should call… He should go to see him…

"He stand you up?"

"What?"

"You've been sat in here for the best part of an hour twiddling your phone and looking miserable. Barman logic dictates someone stood you up."

"Wrong." He takes a drink. Being stood up would be better.

"I was going to say, he'd be a complete idiot to stand you up."

He twigs on that Alex is flirting with him, he'd been so wrapped up in thinking how to apologise for acting like a drama queen, without apologising because he's fear wasn't totally unfounded that he hadn't even noticed. If he should bother, if there's anything left, if he can get over it, if he can give himself this chance, if this was a blessing in disguises and he's saved himself from a world of pain, if he's just saved himself from being happy…

"I'm the idiot." He replies and finishing his drink.

"How about I get you the next one?" Alex asks.

He snorts.

"Buying me a drink won't get you in my pants."

"Worked before."

Yeah it had. But not now. He's already fucked things up enough without adding else to it. He doesn't want Alex... He's good looking, confident, and yeah he's his type but he's been there and done that, used him for what he needed that's it, he doesn't need a repeat. And he has someone else, something that meant something… Had something that meant something, had someone else…

"Not this time." He replies.

"Worth a try." Alex shrugs. "That your taxi?"

"Yeah." He gets up and almost falls down, he's out of practice… Time was he could have drank twice as much and still walked in a straight line, these days he's back to being a light weight. These days he can't even do that right.

He realises his phone's ringing.

"Yeah?"

"Ste." Laura. "Fred is back in the country."

"And?" It comes back to him why that would be important about half a second after speaking. He's pretty close to wasted and his mind is on other things.

"You drunk?"

"Yeah."

"Do I want to know?" She asks.

"Don't think so." He doesn't want to talk about it.

"Just thought you should know. I'll be back by the weekend." She ends the call.

He hasn't seen her since the day he went to visit the flat in Chester. Shifts at the clinic, lectures…

"Ste you're taxi's just left." Callum states. "Want me to order you another?"

He nods and looks at his empty glass.

"Another drink?" Alex asks.

"You won't find the answer at the bottom of a glass." Callum states giving Alex a sideways glance. He thought that Callum liked Alex but he can see a bit of a battle between them brewing which shouldn't be the case, Callum is the boss, end of. "And we are not serving you another." Callum states forcefully but he's looking at Alex not him. "If his boyfriend catches you with this act you'll wish you'd never been born. Go clear some glasses." Alex does as he's told.

"Brendan's not my boyfriend." He's not, they're not together, he made sure of it.

"Partner then."

"We're not together." He sighs, he wants another drink.

Callum snorts a laugh.

"You're together even when you're apart." Callum replies. "It's up here." Callum taps his index finger to his temple. "It's in there." He presses his finger to his chest. "It's all around every day, every night, it tears you apart, and it makes you whole in a way you never thought was possible… You put up with the shit and you live with it because it feels better than anything else in your life. So whatever has gone on between you two, it doesn't matter who's fault, who started it. You go, you argue, you fuck and you get on with it."

"It's not that simple." He wishes it was.

"It's as simple or as complicated as you make it." Callum replies. "You're taxi's here."

He pays up and walks along to the flat. He can see someone sitting on the front step.

"Dad?" Lucas.

"Hey what's going on?" He's too drunk to get sober quickly but it certainly cuts through him. His son sitting on his doorstep.

"Mum and Leah were fighting. I've had enough, can I stay here for a few days?"

"Course you can. Does your Mam know you're here?"

Lucas shakes his head.

"The way they were screaming I doubt they even noticed."

He turns the key and lets Lucas in.

"I thought you would be finished earlier…"

"Yeah." He could lie but it's not going to stand up. "I stayed for a few drinks." It's a little after one.

He needs to ring Amy make sure she knows where Lucas is.

She hadn't even noticed. She thought he was staying at a friends house as it's half term. She's upset that Lucas had technically run away. He tries to calm her down some. And tells her that Lucas wants to stay with him for a couple of days which she doesn't like but as soon as Lucas seems to click that Amy's arguing for him to come back up the look on his sons face makes him put his foot down with her.

"He'll be fine here. Night." He puts the phone down. "You hungry?"

"Dad it's one in the morning."

"So?"

"If you don't mind."

"There's not much choice…"

"Anything will do."

He finds a couple of packets of instant noodles and persuades the kettle to work. He sticks them in a couple of bowls and sits on the sofa with Lucas.

It takes a few minutes but then Lucas starts talking. He tells him how he had taken to hiding out in his room, or going to a friend's house but this row had been the last straw. He's tired of them being at each other's throats. He's sick of the house being a battle of wills all the time.

"Leah's such a princess about everything. She's always doing exactly the opposite of what Mum wants and then she always blames Mum for treating her like a child. I just wish they'd stop, you know."

He doesn't know what to say for the best. He knows that Leah's being difficult. He knows that Amy is just trying to look out for her but they're both stubborn. Amy's scared Leah's going to get herself in trouble, the kind of trouble that she had gotten into with him, mostly.

"And Simon and Mum are fighting loads every time he's back up from London they're arguing. And he's started bossing me around and laying the law down and it's not me that's causing trouble. It's completely unfair… I didn't know where else to go…"

"Lucas," he makes sure that he's looking at him, really listening, "you are welcome here anytime."

"Thanks Dad."

He somehow manages to get lost in the quilt cover as they set up the spare bed. Lucas laughs at him, it's one of the sweetest sounds he's heard in a long time.

"You working tomorrow?"

Shit.

"Yeah afternoon and night but if you want you can earn some cash while your down you can work in the kitchen…"

"There's a new Real Madrid top I want."

"You work for it and I'll buy it." He'd have bought it for him anyway.

"It's fifty quid."

"You better work hard then."

"Night Dad."

He wakes in the morning with a bit of a hangover to find Lucas still asleep, he rushes to price slice and buys a few essentials and by the time he's back Lucas is still not up. Teenagers. He remembers the days when he didn't need to get up all day so he didn't bother. Not that there was much to get up for.

He cooks a pack of bacon and the smell is obviously enough to wake Lucas who wonders through and sits at the table.

"It's quiet without Jamie."

"Yeah." He replies. He hadn't thought about it enough, he was massively busy and somewhere down the line he just got used to it. Still hates the flat being empty of anyone but him however it's not as bad as it used to feel.

"I've got a house to view this morning. I know it'll be boring for you…"

"Can I shot gun my room?"

They walk around to the little house on the edge of the village. It feels different to him. It's empty, has horrible décor, wallpaper so old that it's almost back in style. The carpets are thread bare where they are still present. Everything about it should be screaming at him to pick somewhere else but it feels right. It feels like he could make it his home.

A big living room leading into a decent kitchen which needs updating even compared to the flat, a utility room and a tiny downstairs toilet. Upstairs there is a big master bedroom and a small spare bedroom and a decent bathroom that badly needs redoing but it's big enough for a bath and a shower… It's a shell really but it's warm, not too big. He's not going to be rattling around it. It's defiantly one he wants to come back to.

"What do you think?" He asks.

"It's way nicer than the flat even with the horrible wall paper." Lucas replies then shrugs.

He takes that as the highest form of approval that he's going to get.

He introduces Lucas to everyone at SALLT before the shift starts. Lucas is shy and awkward as they all introduce themselves. Lucas has no real interest in working in a kitchen but as soon as Vic shows up he takes a keen interest in dish washing or at least helping her. And he talks football with Jay and Connor gradually getting louder and more into it.

On the changeover to evening service Jay makes Lucas a streak sandwich and some chips, they sit in the dining area and talk more football. He doesn't want to keep Lucas inside all day but it's all he can really do.

He gets Sam to lock up so he can take Lucas home earlier than a normal finish. He doesn't want him tired out.

"Hasn't been too boring?" He's desperate that Lucas has at least enjoyed a bit of the day. "You can say if you hate it."

"It alright working with you." He breathes a bit of a sigh of relief.

Marc hands his notice in to Tony. It's a relief in a way to finally have an answer but it's still sad to see him go despite the fact he didn't work with him that much. Marc helped them start SALLT off even if the last few weeks had left a bitter taste. Tony tells Harry and the Ill Nosh team. He tells the SALLT team and rings around everyone who isn't in to make sure they all hear it from him.

Lucas is set away on the dishes laughing and joking with Tommy when Jess pulls him to one side asking to speak to him in privet. She asks for the chance to take over Marc's role but take on more hours. She ambitious and hardworking but she's young, not that it ever stopped him which is what he reminds Tony when he rings him to let him know. Tony also questions her ability to command the kitchen where she had been one of the commie's not too long ago.

He suggests that she work predominantly Ill Nosh and bring the Stallarto food into the SALLT service as it was at lunch and had been at the beginning, before they had let Jess run it. Callum's not bothered as long as he has enough staff and the food is sorted.

Tony still wants to have a look around at other chef's on offer.

He makes it clear that he wants to drop down the number of shifts he's been working. He doesn't want to work the kinds of shifts he's been working and they're making enough money that they can afford to take on a couple of part time commie's.

"Hello stranger." Laura smiles as she walks in and see's Lucas who smiles back.

"So." She states sitting on the chair by the hatch to keep herself out of the way.

"So?" He hands off the plates for the order to Robert.

"Next Saturday is my Dad's birthday."

"And?"

"He has invited you to his party." She states.

"I'm working." He replies automatically.

"One drink is all that you are required to attend for." She says. He can see that she wants to say more but with Lucas in the kitchen she doesn't. "It's going to be going on all night. He, or rather Rory has bought a casino out for the night for him. Turn up after work, have a drink, show your face and Robert will be happy."

"You going?"

"After the trouble he's gone to recently of course I'm going." She says with mock offence.

"The real reason?"

"It's in a casino and I haven't been in ages." She smiles. That he believes.

She walks up to him.

"Look Ste Dad is protecting you it would do you no harm what so ever to be seen at his birthday especially with Fred back." She says quietly enough that he doesn't think anyone else can hear. "One drink."

"It's never one drink though is it?"

"No but it's a nice thought." She smiles then turns her attention to Lucas asking him about school. He gets caught up with what he's meant to be doing. It's the tail end of service anyway and they're about to start the prep for the evening service.

He makes Lucas and Laura lunch since she's still in the kitchen and they go off into the dining room to eat while the others grab what they want and follow them through. He rings the estate agent and arranges another viewing of the house and texts Tony to see when he can come with him for a second opinion.

He grabs a bowl of soup and eats it leaning against the sink as quick as he can as Lyndsay, Connor and Tommy come back through. Jay and Jess arrive for the evening shift and join in the prepping.

"Ste." Laura stands at the hatch. "Can I borrow you for a minuet?"

She looks serious. He nods and follows her to the table that Lucas was sat, eyes puffy, it looked like he had been crying.

"What is it?" He asks dropping into the seat next to him.

"Go on just tell him what you told me." Laura encourages Lucas then takes a couple of steps back so she's there but not there.

"I don't want to go back to Manchester." Lucas says quietly with his head down. "Can I stay here with you?"

He's speechless for a minute. He hadn't thought about Lucas not wanting to go back. Although given what he had said about what was going on maybe he shouldn't have been as surprised as he feels.

"We'll have to sort it with your Mam but if you want to live with me that's fine." It's more than fine. He'd love Lucas to live with him but he can imagine just how badly Amy is going to take it. "You know you'll have to move schools, and what about football?"

"There's teams down here."

He knows that it's just that the team he had been on was doing so well.

"Look I'll ring your Mam and see what she has to say and it might not be instant because you'll have to change schools."

Lucas nods sadly.

"There something else?"

Lucas shakes his head.

"Go and see if Jay needs some help."

"Thanks."

He summons Laura with his index finger.

"What isn't he telling me?"

"He told you about Leah, Amy and Simon all being at each throats?" He nods. "He's had some trouble at school, these lads in the years above are giving him a hard time because he's so good at football, and you know how shy he can be, they're praying on him. It's getting a bit nasty, not physical but it's getting to him. He really needs support at home but he's going from school and dealing with the bullying to going home to rows where no one pays him the least bit of attention. Look don't say anything about the bullying but I think he could just do with a bit of stability in at least one part of his life. And I know it's not ideal for you."

"He's my son and I'll do whatever I need to, I want him to be healthy and happy." He forgets that for all her insight into people that she's hasn't got a maternal bone in her body. She doesn't understand being a parent. He'd do anything for his kids, either of them and if Lucas wants to live with him then that's fine, he'll deal with it.

He goes out the back to ring Amy because he knows it's going to be an all-out argument and he doesn't want Lucas to hear and he certainly doesn't want his staff to hear.

"He's my son! He belongs with me!" Amy screeches at him.

"He's mine too. And he thinks you don't give a shit about him because you're so busy screaming at Leah." He's not backing down. "Look Ames he wants to live with me."

"He's not staying with you and that man!"

"Don't you fucking dare bring Brendan into this! Brendan doesn't even live with me for fuck sake. We're not together."

"But he's around and I don't want my son…"

"What? You think that Brendan's going to hurt him? Because you're the one that's been doing that."

That shoots her down a peg or two. He can hear her breathing on the line though. Can hear her trying to calm down. Then the hitch of her breath and he realises she's on the verge of crying.

"Look Ames he wants to be here and I said it's fine because it is. He wants to be here and I want him to be here. I just want him happy Ames."

They talk more calmly about the practicalities, changing school is first but at least she's agreed and he sits on the smokers seat that Michael and Tatiana had made and talks it all through with her.

"What she say?" Lucas ask immediately.

"You can stay with me if that's what you really want once we've sort out changing schools."

Lucas sighs with relief. He thought he'd be smiling, but he just looks totally and utterly relieved. He realises just how badly everything had been effecting him.

* * *

He can't believe he's standing here. He'd sent Lucas off with Laura and Callum to go shopping for the Real top he wanted while he knocks on the door of the house and reminds himself time and time and time again that this is for Lucas and he can't and shouldn't get riled.

"Ste." Doug looks shocked to see him, which is fair.

"Hi, John-Paul in?"

"Yeah, I'll go get him. Ah come in, I was just cooking lunch. You can stay…"

"No it's alright I just wanted to speak to…"

"Ste, surprised you even know where we live." John-Paul McQueen, vice- headmaster.

"Hi, sorry for coming around on a Sunday but I need some help." And Christ he knows it's ridiculous but he still wants to punch the smug bastard's face in. He doesn't think he'll ever get bored of doing it once he started either. Lucas he reminds himself.

"Lucas wants to live with me and I was wondering if there was any room for him at Hollyoaks High."

John-Paul looks like he's about to be incredibly unhelpful.

"Look I don't like you and you don't like me but this is about my son so please." He states, his finger nails bit into his palms.

John-Paul tells his that there is room but that it'd likely be really hard for Lucas to transfer in mid-term, but he could put in the request on Monday if he goes to the school and talks it through with the Head, which John-Paul says he'll arrange a meeting and let him know the time, he puts his number into John-Paul's phone.

He decides to make a Sunday dinner for everyone before he borrows Laura's car and takes Lucas back up to Manchester as Lucas had agreed. She had already put him on the insurance policy as a named driver, just in case. Lucas had to go back to Amy's until he had a school to go to.

Laura pulls him aside while Callum and Lucas watch an F1 race on the TV. She helps his wash up.

"So you and Brendan?"

He sighs and ignores her.

"The date went badly?"

"We didn't go." He replies.

"Really? Thought you were looking forward to it."

"I was." He gives in and explains briefly what happened. The food poisoning, Brendan looking after him and his blow up.

"I know he wasn't trying to control me but…"

"It was like alarm bells screaming in your head." She finishes for him. "It's not surprising." She shrugs. "Come on Ste a good deal of your early relationship was abusive, Brendan was controlling from what you told me he was."

"Yeah but…" He sighs.

"I don't think that his motivation for ringing Tony was sinister but it's his intention not his motivation that triggered you to lash out at him."

He frowns at her.

"Are you scared that he's going to try and control you?"

"No."

She doesn't say anything.

"A bit… Yes." He sighs and drops his head. "It's just… How I remember him… It's easy to remember the bad stuff the good stuff…" He doesn't know where the good stuff doesn't come as easily as it used to. "I know at the end… He punched me though, we'd been together, we were sorted talking about a future and then Kevin and his Dad and there's me lying on the floor bleeding all over again because he wanted me to shut up… I've forgiven him. I always forgive him but…"

"That doesn't actually matter." She says. "It doesn't matter that abuse leaves marks, the physical ones fade but psychological ones they remain. This hypersensitivity to control isn't uncommon, you don't like the feeling of not being in control of your own life, no one does. You don't want to be his puppet. You were angry about the very idea that he had been controlling you life even when he wasn't around..." That had been what had triggered him to hit her. "And you're not his to pull the strings on… Ste you're going to have to be practical and really honest, really talk to each other about what is and is not acceptable otherwise you'll never be comfortable and he'll never be sure what to expect. It's not fair on either of you to try without knowing the ground rules. You haven't spoken to him?"

He shakes his head.

"All this…" He sighs. "Life just gets in the way… I'm letting it get in the way." He knows he is. "It's like he doesn't belong in my life anymore, he's always been a part of it since we met but… It should be everything, it is everything I dreamed of, getting him back but… It doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel like I can have him back in my life. It feels like he's still in prison or still with Dean… And I'm borrowing him, that he's not really mine, that he can't be mine and if I let myself think that he's mine he'll turn around and be gone again."

"A dream isn't reality, reality isn't a dream." She says sighing. "I don't know how you feel, I don't know what you want to do but I do know you should be telling Brendan this because he's the one that needs to know… Write him another letter." She suggests.

"He's out now."

"Yeah but the point of writing it down rather than speaking is that you can really think about what you're trying to say."

"Dad you got any biscuits?" Lucas asks as he strides in essentially breaking up their talk.

He likes Laura's new car but he's careful with it. He and Lucas play fight about music all the way up the M6 until they hit Manchester and Lucas goes into his shell.

"I'm going to see the Head tomorrow and I'll text you when I've been then ring me between lesson or on a break. Ok?"

Lucas nods.

He doesn't stay long at all. There's a thick tension that's uncomfortable with. He hugs Lucas and tells him he can ring him anytime, he hopes that Lucas already knows that but he wants to be absolutely sure.

He doesn't say much to Amy, they've already had the slanging match there's no need to go over it all again.

Half ways back down he starts thinking about what he wants to say to Brendan. What he needs to explain… He has it right in his head by the time he's level with Liverpool but he doesn't think he can keep it right so he calls Brendan instead. It goes straight to voice mail like he thought it would, hoped it would.

He swallows a good lump of pride.

"I didn't mean to kick you out like that, I didn't really want to but I panicked. I got angry it's my best defence when I'm scared. I was scared that I'd get used to you being there to look after me again then you'd leave me…" The voice mail cuts him off. He dials again.

"I liked you looking after me alright, I missed it… Anytime you want a coffee or a meal you know where I work… I fucked up, I hope you can understand why… I…" The voice mail cut him off again.


	73. Chapter 73

Thank you for reviewing and for sticking with this even though I'm being slow updating and they aren't the most exciting chapters as I try and get things set up.

* * *

It's the feel of the place. The smell. It makes his skin crawl with insecurities of his teenage self all over again. He sits in the reception area next to the Headmaster's office. Years have past, the walls have changed colour, it doesn't even look the same but the same level of nerves rise in him like they had when he had been waiting to see the Head all the times he had been sent there by teachers. Preparing his 'I don't give a shit, so kick me out' persona. But he had cared. School was marginally better than being at home, at least if he was in the uniform he had hated, in the place where everyone gave him shit, looked down on him, it was better than Pauline and Terry.

"Mr Hay, I'm Mr Barton." The Head smiles and he shifts uncomfortably. He forces a smile onto his face. The Head isn't the same bloke that had been in charge when he was there and he doesn't know about how he was when he was a pupil, can't use that against him, against his son.

He explains the situation to Mr Barton, not all the detail. He brushes over most of the details. He doesn't want to bad mouth Amy. He doesn't want the Head thinking she's an unfit mother because she's not. She's doing her best it's just difficult because Leah is being so demanding and needing so much attention to keep her on the straight and narrow. He doesn't say anything about Amy or Leah or the problem's at home, brushes over them with a comment about how his son wants to live with him, he doesn't explain that. He focuses instead on the bullying and the Lucas' shyness, he skills as a footballer and ultimately that he wants to make it possible for his son to live with him.

"It will be extremely difficult for him. All the children have found their groups of friends and they're all settled into the routine after the summer, however there is a place for him and I am willing to offer it."

The Head tells him what he needs to do and he fills in the paperwork.

Mr Barton agrees that Lucas could start the following Monday, a lot faster than he though it would be, he asks for it to be in two weeks. He needs to get Lucas moved into the flat, sort his shifts out. A week isn't much time. He asks to ring later to confirm.

He texts Lucas as he promised he would as soon as he's off the ground and on his way back into the village.

"I want you to give it until after Christmas." Amy states as he rings her. "He won't want to leave his friends Ste whatever he says he wants to stay up here. It was a bad argument but I'm spending more time with him."

He sighs heavily.

"You can't force him to live with you." She adds.

"I'm not. He asked Amy."

"You should have asked me before agreeing."

"I don't need your permission."

"I'm his Mum and how are you even going to be able to look after him? You spend all your time at work. He's thirteen you can't just leave him by himself you know."

"I know that. I can fix my shifts."

"He'll get bored and want to be back up here in a week then he'll have to swap schools again. It'd be better for everyone if you just told him he can't live with you."

"He can though. There's no reason he can't." Amy decided that the kids should live with her, he was the one that had made such a mess that he hadn't been able to fight it then. He agreed they were better off with her then they were settled and he didn't want to upset their routine… Now though, there's no reason.

"He should be with his Mum and his sister."

"Amy…"

"He's too young to make this decision, he doesn't know what's best for him. We're the ones deciding that and I think that he's better off here with me and his family."

"I'm his family too."

"Only when it suits you."

"That's not fair. You were the one…"

"Don't you dare, you were the one on a kamikaze mission. I was the one looking after them while you went and got wasted."

"That was years ago."

"He's safer with me."

He takes a deep breath, counts to ten and backwards to zero.

"If he wants to live with me then he can, I'm not telling him he can't. I won't lie to him." He states. "I've got a house to see. I'll talk to you later."

Much later.

Lucas rings his as he's finishing the lunch service.

"Mum doesn't want me to live with you."

"It's up to you." He sighs. He doesn't want Lucas caught in a battle between himself and Amy but he's not lying to him. "It'll be hard starting a new school and making new friends, if you've changed you mind I'm not going to be angry..." Disappointed but as long as Lucas is happy.

"I want to live with you. I told her but she won't listen."

"I'll sort it."

"Thanks Dad."

He going to have to get Amy to agree. He rubs the back of his neck. How the fuck is he going to do that?

He meets Tony at the potential new house between lunch and evening service. Tony goes through all the reports. Structurally sound. Electrics replaced a couple of years ago. The heating system pretty much brand new. Tony says it should be on the market for more than it is, though he points out the work that needs doing as the reason why it's undervalued. With Tony assuring him that he's not going to end up having to have the place pulled down as soon as he's bought it and his advice to put a lower offer, a cheeky offer and see if he can get it even cheaper given that it's been on the market a while.

He'd like to have the house, or a house, a home before Lucas comes down but he's pretty sure that he'll have Lucas living with him before they have a home. The flat will do. Lucas won't be that bothered but it's still be nice.

"I'm going to have to swift my shifts around." He states as he and Tony sit down for a coffee in Ill Nosh, it was meant to be a meeting about a new head chef but he doesn't see the point in talking about that until he gets this side of his life sorted.

"Lucas is coming to live with me." It's still an if until Lucas is actually in his flat. "I can't be working all these nights during the week."

They have a serious look at the rota.

He wants to be at home as much as possible when Lucas won't be at school but he can't just drop Tony in it. He's a boss too and he has to put hours in. He's agrees that he'll have to work every lunch shift, the rest well they need another chef before that can be decided.

Tony agrees to give Jess a trail run at the job since the people he was getting inquiring about the job all wanted big wages.

There's a big lull after a quick burst of customers for lunch so he challenges Harry to come up with dishes with ingredients he lists off the top of his head to kill some time.

"Tuna, peppers, single cream, carrots, potatoes."

Harry scribbles at his note pad.

"Steven." Brendan.

He whips around and nearly falls over.

"Er hiya." He tries to recover himself.

"Can I trade carrots for beans?" Harry asks unaware.

"Busy?" Brendan asks a smirk badly hidden.

"Not really. And no you can't do that it's against the rules."

"Rules are meant to be broken." Brendan states.

"Coffee?"

Brendan nods slightly.

"I'll bring it over."

He takes his time, settles himself down, takes a deep breath and walks over. Brendan's picked the table Laura and himself usually sit at, the one as far away from the hatch as possible.

"I got your voice mails." Brendan states as he puts the coffee down and reaches for his chair.

He nods.

"Can I… Will you…" His phone starts ringing.

"Take it." Brendan states leaning back in his seat.

"Hello Mr Hay it's Ross Collins." The estate agent. "Just to let you know that you're offer on the property in Hollyoaks village has been accepted."

"Really?" He thought they'd laugh it out. It was a full thirty grand under the asking price.

"Yes, if you'd be able to come into the office the sellers ask for a thousand pound deposit."

"Yeah." Tony had warned him about that. "When?"

"Before the end of office hours."

"I'll come down straight away." He's got a house. He puts the phone down. "I've got a house." He mutters. It doesn't sink in. "I've got a house." He says more strongly.

"Congratulations."

"I've got a house." He smiles broadly, reaches across and kisses Brendan on the lips and beams at him.

Brendan shakes his head at him and smiles back.

"I've got a house." He repeats.

"Really? Don't think I caught that the first three times you said it."

He scrunches up his nose at him. His legs bounce of their own accord. He can't stop smiling.

Brendan sips at his coffee, laughing a bit at him.

"You should see it, loads of work to do on it but it's going to look proper mint when I get it done out. Lucas will get his own room…" He needs to go and put the deposit down.

It hits him why he was sitting here. Why Brendan was here. And it lowers his mood but not the excitement that's caused butterflies in his stomach.

He bites his tongue.

"I was a proper bastard to you and you didn't deserve it." He states. "Will you… Do you…" He struggles with the words.

"Spit it out."

"Not what you usually say." Completely inappropriate but Brendan laughs so it's worth the blush that creeps up his neck. "If I ask you out will you?"

"Will I what?"

Brendan's being awkward he knows what he's asking.

"Will you go out for a drink with me sometime?" He asks. "Try this doing things properly again? No drama's. No shouting. No food poisoning. Just you and me?"

Brendan doesn't give anything away. He can't tell what he's going to say so he pushes on.

"I want to get used to you being around, in my life again. If you want to be in it?"

"Fred's back." Brendan states.

He closes his eyes. Disappointment, fear and sadness settle in place of the butterflies.

"Laura told me. You're going after him…" He sighs.

"No." Brendan states firmly.

He frowns.

"Ronnie has a grip on him… I took Anthony's protection."

"You what? You wouldn't." Brendan would never. He was too proud…

"You asked me to live for you. Taking Anthony's protection is a step towards that."

Brendan did that for him. Swallowed his pride and asked for protection. Protection that he had every right to but had denied himself…

"When can I get my date with you then?" Brendan asks shifting in his seat.

"Bit manic…"

"I just caught you skiving."

"I'm the boss, it's not skiving when I'm still willing to pay myself."

Brendan shakes his head slightly.

"Lucas is coming to live with me alright." He states. "And there's a lot to sort out. Changing schools, getting Amy to actually listen."

Brendan frowns at him and he launches into an explanation of how it all came about.

"So she's trying to make me the bad guy and I won't do it." He finishes.

"He's your son." Brendan states.

"Tried that one and she brought up…"

"Me?"

"A bit…" He tenses. "It's not about you though… It's about me, and Leah and Simon… It's a load of things. I think she thinks that she's failed as a Mam if Lucas comes to live with me. I just wants what's best for Lucas. I'll have to ring her and have the third round later."

"Don't back down."

"I'm not going to."

"You have a history of doing just that."

"Yeah well that was then." He's stronger now, she's let him be stronger with her. The guilt is still there for what he did to her, he still regrets it more than just about anything but he doesn't let her use it as a weapon anymore, not that she ever did but he always thought she would. It was the guilt and fear of her using it that stopped him then. Since she hasn't ever used it he's realised that she won't. That she's forgiven him so she won't use it…

Amy's forgiven him. He says he's forgiven Brendan but he does use their past as a weapon… He needs to stop doing that because he knows how unfair it is. How much it would hurt him if Amy ever did that to him and yet he's doing that to Brendan… He's hurting him. He promised himself he wouldn't do that.

He see's Nat walk in and Jenny walk out. Shit the time.

"I need to get to the estate agent's."

"Need a lift?"

He contemplates fighting against the offer for a split second then stops himself.

"If you don't mind." Brendan wouldn't have offered if he couldn't.

He tells Harry he'll be back in an hour or so. It's still quiet.

He follows Brendan to his car and he talks about the house. How Tony's solicitor's going to do all the paperwork for him, how he'd managed to get the price so low that he doesn't need as much as he thought from the bank for the mortgage, he can nearly clear it himself but with all the work he needs to keep some cash available…

"Dead weird, me with a mortgage."

He tells him about the work that needs doing and that Tony knows loads of people that will do it for him.

"Going to paint it myself. Get Lucas and Laura to help." He wants to make it his own and painting is just about the only thing he thinks he's going to have time for. "You'll have to come and see when I get it all done out."

"Let me know if you need some muscle when you move in." Brendan offers. "Don't think you'll be able to lift much yourself."

"I've been doing weights." He had a while ago, but he hadn't really been to the gym since… Since he and Tony had bought SALLT and Stellarto. "Lift things no problem."

Brendan taps at the steering wheel and he realises that he's just blocked him offering to help him.

"But I'm sure I can find something for you to do." He adds.

Brendan insists on waiting for him while he goes in and pays. It's hard thinking about paying a grand. Even though he's got money, more money than he's ever had a thousand is still a bit sickening. He thinks he might have to take to his bed when he pays his saving over to actually buy the thing. He really can be a drama queen.

He signs a few papers and rings Tony to get him to call his solicitor and get things in motion.

"Sunday night." Brendan states as soon as he gets back in the car.

"Yeah alright."

"Good." Brendan nods.

Brendan drops him back off in the village and he rushes back into Ill Nosh to find there wasn't much need Harry has everything under control.

He rings Amy, she doesn't answer. He sends he a text to get her to ring him.

He meets Tony's solicitor a nice old bloke who tell him how everything should progress with the house. He goes to the back and gets his morteage confirmed.

Lucas rings and tells him about the bullying and that it had escalated, that this one kid, Max had punched him while he was walking down the corridor, split his lip so he hit him back broken his nose and got suspended because all of the kids mates had said that Lucas had started it. Max had got suspended too. He doesn't like Lucas fighting but at the same time he's proud that he had stood up for himself and hadn't been pushed around.

Of course Amy hadn't seen it like that.

She wouldn't.

Lucas still insists that he wants to live with him and that Amy had said that he could.

She rings him and tells Ste the same thing except that Lucas had been in floods of tears and she couldn't see him like that, so unhappy. They agree to leave it the extra week and that she'll bring Lucas down herself.

He gets Saturday night off. Jess is going to run her first Saturday service at Ill Nosh for her trial and Tony is at SALLT. He gets finished just before six after getting everything prepped and telling Jess that she'll be fine.

Laura agrees to have her and Callum's taxi pick him up on the way, he may as well go to the casino with them he said he'd go for a drink. He rushes to shower and get changed. He doesn't really know how much he needs to dress up until Callum comes to the door, in his top of the range designer suit and asks if they're ready.

"Grab a suit jacket and you'll be fine." Laura says in a brand new designer dress that looks like it cost a fortune and sky scrapper heels.

"But."

"Seriously. I've got to go glammed up as his daughter and Callum has to look decent enough to be on my arm you don't need to worry as soon as the formalities are done I'm getting changed. I've got another dress in my bag."

Still…

"Give me two minutes."

"No rush." Laura replies and Callum goes back to the taxi.

He rummages through his wardrobe and finds a designer suit that he had bought for Jamie's cousin's wedding and takes the Jacket. He finds he's newest darkest pair of jeans and a white shirt. He finds his dress shoes and gives them a quick wipe down.

"Better?" He asks grabbing his wallet, phone and keys. He feels better. He's not dressed up to the nine's but he feels more confident that he's not going to stick out like a sore thumb.

"Very nice." Laura replies.

He locks the door behind him and takes Laura's arm to help her balance in her ridiculous shoes on the uneven tarmac.


End file.
